Mental prepration

At 10am this morning my mental preparation for the incredibly awkward position I will be putting myself in tomorrow began. Early, I know. I hadn't even had coffee. Already I was pacing the apartment. Finally, I was curled up on my sofa on the phone with my girlfriend unloading info. A pickle before noon on a Saturday, following a night that I didn't even go out. Unheard of for most, but not this girl.

The mental preparation is not complete. Let me explain.

Jimmy began calling me this morning at 9am. He called 2, 3 times. I was in bed. I knew him well enough to know that he wanted something. He calls for no other reason.

Let me stray from the topic for just a moment. I've finally realized that the only reason I've felt like I'm into Jimmy is because he doesn't seem into me. I blame my ego. I knew from the beginning he was all wrong for me and I still know this. I've simply been mystified as to why he stopped showering me with attention and chasing me. I've been consumed with trying to get him to figure out that he wants me again. It's the chase to get him to want to commit. If he did decide he wanted a commitment, I'd be willing to bet that I'd revert right back to being uninterested and pushing him away, as I did in May when he first came at me full force.

I'm happy to report that since this realization I've barely thought about him. Given, it's only been a day or two, but I rarely thought of him yesterday and never wondered if he'd call. When he did call at 10pm, I was surprised. I'd actually forgotten about him! I did answer though, he did ask me to come over, I declined. I told him I was tired. We got off of the phone. I'll admit, I did start to think about him after we got off the phone. Learning that he hadn't gone into work at his second job and had gone to play poker at his brother's just showed me that when he did have free time, he wasn't interested in spending it with me. He didn't even think to call me until he was on his way home. This still upsets me and bruises my ego, but I'm deciding to just get over that. He called me again a half hour later. We talked a little more. I'm not sure what his intention was. He didn't try to see me, we just talked. I probably shouldn't even answer his phone calls but I haven't gotten to that point yet. I'll get there. Baby steps. At this point I don't even plan on talking to him about it. I don't see the point and I'm not sure he'll even notice.

So back to this morning. He started calling me at 9am. Since this whole thing is now on my terms, I didn't give him a call back until I had woken up, washed my face, brushed my teeth, started the coffee, fed the boys, and taken the dog for a walk. Once I was ready, I called.

Jimmy: What are you doing? (yea, no hello, that's the first thing he said).
Me: Nothing.
Jimmy: I've been calling you all morning.
Me: You called me twice.
Jimmy: Well I'm taking (his dog) to the shelter this morning.
Me: What? No! Don't. Just wait a couple weeks. The Ex will take him if you just wait.
Jimmy: I can't wait, I can't do it anymore. I called 411, I got a place and I'm taking him.

We had a little more back and forth. Mostly me getting details. I'm not sure why he decided to call me all morning just to tell me he was doing it. Maybe he wanted to be talked out of it.

When we hung up I texted The Ex and told him the news. I texted him again. No response. I knew his crazy stripper ex girlfriend was staying with him to "take care of him" since he decided to go back to his own place, so I didn't want to call.

Another detour. Yea, he tells me Thursday that he's gonna give it a shot at home for the weekend and see how he does. His crazy stripper ex girlfriend is picking him up and taking him home that day. He says this like it's nothing, but I felt the pang. Her birthday is Sunday, he has to get her something. She wants to do something, blah blah blah. Why is he telling me all of this bullshit? I couldn't hold back any longer...

Me: Well, I'm glad I didn't stay with you like you were trying to get me to the other night since three days later you're with her.
The Ex: I wouldn't have her come get me if you had stayed. I'd probably asked you to.
(yeah right, it's still her birthday this weekend. He still clearly cares).
Me: Right.
The Ex: Besides, you'd probably be busy with Ken or Jimmy anyway.

Then I had flashes of how often I bitch and moan about Jimmy to him. How I was "out" with Ken the other night, and realized he's hearing stuff about me and other guys constantly. He's probably glad to have something to throw at me. Guess I can dish it but I can't take it.

So anyway, I couldn't take it anymore, this was about the dog so I called him. I told him. He actually said, let me talk to (my crazy stripper ex girlfriend). What, why her? Because, I need help. If she'll help me take care of him then I'll take the dog right now. Grrr...my insides were churning as I simultaneously thanked god that I didn't stay and "cuddle" with him that night this past week. What a fucker ya know? Ugh. Anyway. Focus. This is about the dog. He said he'd call me back in 1o.

I called Jimmy and told him to wait. Don't leave yet. I'm trying to talk The Ex into taking him now.

The Ex called back and said yes, he'd take him but not until tomorrow. He's having a big birthday cookout for his cousin at his house today and there will be just too many people there. If he could wait until tomorrow, he'd take him. She'd agreed to help. Ew. I don't want her crazy stripper hands all over that sweet, sweet puppy. Anger and jealousy was boiling inside of me. I did my best to ignore it because more than anything I didn't want the dog to wind up at the pound or worse, put to sleep. But wait, how are we going to do this odd transaction? Oy.

So I called Jimmy and told him. I could hear the relief in his voice. He didn't want to take the dog to the pound. He agreed to wait until tomorrow. I told him, you're going to have to come with me to take the dog.

Jimmy: What, why?
Me: Because, his crazy stripper ex girlfriend is staying with him now, taking care of him, and the only way he can take the dog right now is because she agreed to help since he's basically crippled. She's going to be there. She doesn't like that we talk. This has to be between you and The Ex not me and The Ex.
Jimmy: You've been there before?! I don't want to talk to him!
Me: Yea, well not when she's there, and why not?
Jimmy: I don't know him. I don't want to.
Me: Well, you have to. I'll go with you but you need to come.
Jimmy: Fine.

So, tomorrow, Jimmy and I are going to drive down to MY OLD house that I shared with The Ex and deliver Jimmy's dog to The Ex and his crazy stripper ex girlfriend. I've never seen her in person. I've never seen him with another girl. I've never seen another girl in MY OLD house. I was with The Ex this past Sunday, he's been trying to get back with me, I was with him this past Monday, he tried to get me to stay the night with him. Now he's playing house with her.

I have no idea how this situation is going to affect me but I don't think it is going to be in a positive way. Jimmy is my armor. Although we're not a couple, it will look like we are. I'm going there with someone. God knows I could never and I mean never go by myself. I hate to say it, but I may rather have the dog go to the pound then deliver the dog by myself. Selfish, maybe but I value my heart.

I'm not an overly religious person, but I do believe that things happen for a reason and I believe this is happening for a reason. I'm being put into this position, a position that will provide me with a picture that I'll more than likely never be able to forget. I will not be able to ignore the fact that he moved another girl into "our" house less than a month after I moved out. I'm going to see it first hand. No one should ever have to see what I'm going to see tomorrow, but I need to. It'll be something that will be a barricade that will never allow me to give The Ex a second chance. Something I know I should never do anyway.

This will be my last outing with Jimmy. Once this is over I'll be moving on.

Last one on the bandwagon

So I realize "He's Just Not That Into You" was a phenomenon oh, 2 years ago? Well, I was just lent the book yesterday by a co-worker, (hidden message there?), and devoured it last night.

All in all, an okay book. The question and answer format bugged me. The "workbook" portion at the end of every chapter annoyed the shit outta me. I breezed through what didn't apply to me. I gotta admit, parts of it depressed me. This guy, (the co-author), really thinks us women are this stupid? Are some of us? Jeez, I hope not. But peppered throughout I did find some good advice I fully intend to digest. There were definitely parts that I could relate to.

In my opinion, the authors should have just written the book in a normal format throughout. But hey, what do I know? I have no book deals under my belt.

I will say, this book found me at the perfect time. Jimmy is just not that into me. I get it. Below are quotes from the book that I found useful, jotted down, and plan to revisit. Consistently, until it sinks in. (I'm such a quote junky).

The movie is in fact coming out in 2009 with a seriously awesome cast. Check out the trailer.
http://www.imdb.com/rg/VIDEO_PLAY/LINK//video/screenplay/vi4024303897/.

And onto the quotes....

"Don't waste the pretty."

"The word 'busy' is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word 'busy' is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want."

"It's hard. We're taught in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, no the exception. It's intoxicatingly liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. Because this is what we do: We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go int hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they're behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation that's the truth: He's just not that into me."

"Bad boys are bad because they're troubled, as in having little self-respect, lots of pent-up anger, loads of self-loathing, complete lack of faith in any kind of loving relationship."

"Bad boys are actually bad."

"If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start 'figuring him out' please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is."

"Cut your losses and don't waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it? Fine. Here's the answer you're looking for, 'Hang in there, baby. He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!' But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship."

"Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just THAT crazy! Bullshit. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing it is almost impossible NOT to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. We ma try to make you think differently, but we men are just like you. We like taking a break from our generally mundane day to talk to someone we like. It makes us happy. And we like to be happy, just like you. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you."

"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life."

"Don't let the 'honeys' and the 'babys' fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than 'I'm just not that into you.' Remember, actions speak louder than, 'There's no cell reception where I am right now.'"

"Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside."

"I don't want to be 'sort of dating' someone. I don't want to be 'kinda hanging out' with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me."

"Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted. And when you do move on and find your right person, believe me, you're not going to wish you had gotten to spend more time with Stinky the Time-Waster or Freddy Can't -Remember-to-Call."

"Love cures commitment-phobia."

I'm resting my hat on this last one. Regarding me, myself, and I.

Off track

In the beginning of the month I mentioned the drawing of a line. I mentioned being fed up with the guys that were in my life. I was ready for something real, I was letting them know, and then I was letting them go. Movin' on and movin' up.

Yet here I am once again perplexed and somewhat annoyed with these two guys.

Jimmy is obviously still around because he said he wanted a chance at something real. I always give a second chance. Especially when I'm the one who caused the damage that ended the first chance anyway. And I really like him and that's reason enough. But let me be real with myself, I've had my doubts about that boy since day one. I've doubted his sincerity and his intentions.

Ken? No excuses. He should have long since been shipped off to the land of the lost boys because I'm just not that into him.

Chalk it up to the fact that I'm frustrated with Jimmy and I, but when Ken called yesterday to see how I had been and asked if I'd meet him for a drink, I said yes. We agreed to meet at 8pm at a place between us both. Oh, why the hell not. Well, apparently, good reason.

He had wanted to meet at 8:30, I felt that was late so he suggested 7:30. He called me as he was leaving the gym around 5:30, I was leaving work. He said he'd try not to be late. I got a hunch that he had things to do. I told him we could do it another time if he couldn't make it that early, I just didn't want to make it a late night. He insisted that he wanted to see me that night so he'd make it work.

He texted me every hour after that to "see how I was making out." Is this some kinda progress report? I joked, since he's a teacher. But seriously, how are we on time? How are you making out? At 6pm, then 7pm, I mean, come on bud. Anxious much?

Sure enough The Ex's radar went off and he called while I was getting ready. I told him what I was doing. He didn't like it, I could tell. He told me to be careful and not to do anything stupid. As if I was in some sort of danger.

I hadn't heard from Jimmy all day so I called him en route in an attempt to avoid receiving a phone call while I was with Ken that I would have to ignore. He didn't answer. Oy vey.

I then shot a text over to Ken to let him know I was on my way. Basically, I hate waiting, plan accordingly. I got to our meeting place at about ten minutes to eight, and called Ken. No answer. I waited. At five after eight I got a text, "On my way." Are you kidding me? He lives at least 20 minutes away. WTF. I'm not even that into this guy, could care less that I hadn't talked to him in a week, and now here I am sitting in a parking lot waiting for his ass. I could've been home curled up in bed with the boys finishing my book that's getting seriously good. I texted him back, "Jeez, guess you really meant 8:30, huh." At 8:20 he called.

Ken: You're gonna kill me
Me: Oh god, why.
Ken: I was fighting with my brother so I left late, then I ran outta gas and had to push my car to the gas station. I think I left my wallet at the gym, (this guy is the most forgetful person I've ever met, seriously. He does this shit all the time). I put $4 in my tank.
Me: Where are you now?
Ken: 695 (which I knew meant he just got on the road to meet me).

I immediately started my car and started backing out of the parking spot. Eff this.

Me: Well, let's just do this another time. All signs are pointing to the fact that that's the best idea. (I barely am interested. You forgot your wallet, i.e. you have no money. I'm not picking up the tab, bub).
Ken: But you're already there. I'm on my way. I really want to see you.
Me: We can do it another time. (Psh, maybe).
Ken: I'm so sorry. I'm so mad at myself. You're mad aren't you? I'd be mad. Ugh, grr, blah.
Me: It's cool, another time.
Ken: Well come to my place!
Me: Nah, not tonight.
Ken: Why not?
Me: Because I'm already on my way home.
Ken: I could come to yours!
Me: Nah, another time. Meeting for a drink to catch up would've been okay but I'm not trying to hang out late or anything. Maybe another time. (Stress maybe).

He tried to linger on the phone. I wasn't up for small talk. I told him I had to go, and I drove home. Pissed.

The reality hit me that Jimmy hadn't even called me back. I felt so alone. I wanted to cry but couldn't. I wanted to drive around and listen to sappy music and smoke cigarettes but I had no cigarettes and didn't want to waste my gas. So I just drove home. Pissed. Mostly at myself.

I took off my freshly applied makeup, replaced my changed outfit for sweats, got a glass of water, and headed to my bed to read while America's Funniest Videos played in the background. I gave the boys lots of lovin' because they never let me down.

The Ex sent me a text:

The Ex: If you're not home you should be thinking about wrapping it up soon, tomorrow is gonna come quick. Be careful and don't do anything dumb. xoxox
Me: Thanks, Dad.

I didn't want to let him know that the plans fell through. It would've given him too much satisfaction.

The Ex: Anytime, when are you going home?
Me: Soon.
The Ex: How soon?
Me: Soon, goof! What's with all the questions, writing a book?
The Ex: Maybe, where are you at?
The Ex: How long are you going to be there?

Okay, this was getting ridiculous. I'm not sending a good message if I respond to every one of his texts while I'm supposed to be out with another guy. Plus, I started thinking that he was probably sending me all of these texts full of nonsense just to have me reaching for my phone continuously, therefore, annoying the shit out of Ken. (Which it would've had I been out with him).

Me: Now you're just being a brat. I see what you're doing slick.
The Ex: I miss you, can't you tell? What am I doing?
The Ex: I'll leave you alone. Have fun, be careful. I was just thinking about you. xoxoxoxoxox

I couldn't fight it any longer so I called Jimmy again. He didn't answer. But this time, he called me right back. He's been studying so much he said. The EMT test at the academy is kicking his ass. He hates test, books, studying. He's nervous he's not going to pass. All he's been doing is studying. I could hear in his voice how exhausted he was. The sound was familiar. "You miss me?" he said.

Me: I do, and I think you may have been right long ago when you said you didn't think you had the time to be talking to someone. (I hadn't planned on bringing this up at this time but it just came out).
Jimmy: Whatever, I'll talk to you later.
Me: What do you mean you'll talk to me later? No.
Jimmy: You say it like there's somebody else!
Me: How in the world did I say it like there's somebody else?? (Seriously, where in the world did that come from)?
Jimmy: That's not fair, you know I've been trying so hard at the academy, it's been so hard and I'm so tired.

I cut him off

Me: I know, I know, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. I'm just saying, I know you're busy and tired and maybe you just don't have the time. It's okay.
Jimmy: Let me study some more and I'll call you back in a little bit.

I thought for sure he wouldn't call me back but an hour later he did. We just talked. He told me about his tests. He told me how hard it all was for him. I told him about work and my friends. I didn't bring up the other subject again. I thought we'd just talk for a bit, and we did.

After we got off the phone I couldn't stop thinking about our short conversation on the subject I've spent almost a week thinking about. What did his reaction mean? Did he call back just to talk because he was trying to show me he wanted to make an effort to make time? Is he just worried I'm going to see someone else so he's stringing me along? I texted him. "Good night, I do miss you...just not sure you have the time to be talking to someone. If that's the case you can tell me, I'll understand. No hard feelings..." I'm sure he was sleeping by then so no response.

After I got out of the shower this morning I grabbed my phone to turn on the internet radio I like to listen to while I get ready for work and saw that I had three missed calls. Hmm, odd. They were all Jimmy. Yay! He saw my text and wanted to talk! He had left a voice mail, so I listened.
Negative. Nothing about the text. Apparently he had a bad morning with his dog that he's been thinking about giving away now that he just doesn't have the time for him.

Can you believe The Ex wants to take the dog? It could just be one of his sneaky ways to get close. Who can decipher the inner workings of The Ex's brain, not I. Jimmy was 100% against giving the dog to The Ex. He looked at me like I had five heads when I brought it up. Guess he's desperate. So he was calling because he wanted me to find out of my ex was serious about taking the dog because he just has had enough. Text him and let him know because he's going into class. Hmph.

Cherry on the sundae

Because I traded sleep for tossing and turning over the status of Jimmy and I Sunday night, I was exhausted all day yesterday at work. So much so that I skipped the gym. (Though skipping the gym might have been slightly more appealing than normal considering I was also side-stepping any confrontation with the ex-hair cutting personal trainer. I hoped he'd call me yesterday since he didn't see me at the gym and I could let him down over the phone rather than in person. No such luck. Looks like tonight's the night. Ugh).

I had decided in my head that I would mention something to Jimmy when the time was right, hopefully that night. Then, he threw a wrench in my plan.

He called me when he got out of work to tell me how things were going, say hi, say he missed me. Then, he told me how some guy he didn't know came up to him at work the night before asking him if he knew me. Jimmy said yes, and then the guy went on to say things like, yea, I heard you two were dating, and other invasive questions, blah, blah, mother effing blah. Jimmy said the guy kept fishing for information so in turn, he just played if off saying we were cool and lived in the same development. (As if we were nothing!)

Immediately I knew who "the guy" was. It was The Ex's cousin James. James had called while I was at The Ex's visiting the day before and had said he was going to the place where Jimmy worked that night. I told Jimmy who the guy was, that it was The Ex's cousin. He knew it was someone attached to me in a way like that, someone I had dated or was trying to date me, something, that's why he played if off. I agreed. As in, well played.

It wasn't until after we hung up that I thought about it some more. Then I was upset. Why wouldn't you just say yes, we're dating? Why act like it's nothing? I felt embarrassed. I've told The Ex how I like this guy and now his cousin is going to report back to him that the guy acted like I was nothing. My mind switched to being consumed with why he had reacted in that way and I couldn't stop thinking about it. If it were for a negative reason he wouldn't have told me about the exchange at all, right? I felt wretched. And that turned into what I was going to ask him when I talked to him next.

So, I skipped the gym and planned on going home, making dinner, and then finishing my most recent book so as to avoid any late charges at the library. I had gone online yesterday to renew two books I hadn't gotten to yet, and attempted to renew the third I was currently reading since I still had a little over 200 pages left and only two days until it was due back. Can you believe that they wouldn't let me renew it because of the number of holds people had put on it? Immediately I felt the pressure to finish, and asap. How could I return a book without finishing it? Not to be heard of. No worries, I finished it yesterday with time to spare. I work so well under pressure.

Just as I finished putting honey mustard marinade on my chicken breasts and popped 'em onto my Foreman grill (love the Foreman), The Ex called. I answered, prepared to hear the dirt on his cousin's side of the confrontation. I swear, that family.

The Ex: What are you doing?
Me: Just making dinner.
The Ex: Well, stop! Come down to Tony's (his other cousin) we just got some steaks and we're gonna cook out, Jess (Tony's wife) will be there too.

No mention of Jimmy and the exchange. Regardless, I wasn't feeling up for it. I was tired and on top of that, newly depressed. It was an all around blah day. Socializing was the furthest thing from my mind. But, in true form, The Ex used his powers of persuasion to change my mind.

When I'm upset my initial reaction is to hole up in my apartment and feel sorry for myself. Jimmy had soccer, he'd be out most of the night, I was just going to sit there and stew. Probably better to get out. Plus, he offered to fill up my gas tank if I'd drive him back to his mom's after dinner and let's be serious, gas is freaking expensive. So I finished cooking my chicken, put it in tupperware to take to lunch the next day, and went.

Jimmy called me while I was en route. I told him I was going to a cook out, (so true), and crossed my fingers in the hopes he wouldn't ask whose so I wouldn't have to lie, and he didn't. So I just came out with it and asked why he had acted like him and I weren't talking when he was asked.

Jimmy: What do you mean? (Classic stalling answer).

I rephrased the question.

Jimmy: It was none of his business. I didn't know him. He just comes up to me and asks me if I know you and I could tell that he was digging for info. He was either a guy that was trying to talk to you, an ex, or knew an ex and I didn't want to tell him anything. It was none of his business.

Hmmm....

There was nothing much I could say to that. That was his answer, so I said okay and closed the subject. I didn't feel any better. He was heading to soccer, had three chapters to read that night for the academy the next day. He asked me to call him later. We hung up. My eyes actually teared up a bit. Yea, I know.

Dinner was delicious. Worth the trip. We ate out on the deck, drank a few, and caught up. It was nice, not gonna lie. The Ex and I left around 10pm. On the drive, I told him about the recent events with Jimmy. He says he knows guys like that. In that environment (a bar) his initial reaction is to act unattached. Why wouldn't he have just said yes? He doesn't trust the kid. I take into account the source, but at the same time, I knew he was right.

I had to help The Ex into the house, crutches an' all, so it was a given that I'd come in. We hung out for a bit. I played with his dog. I'm a sucker for dogs. He tried to get me to spend the night. He tried to kiss me. I let him cuddle with me a bit, but nothing more. "Wow, you really like this guy," he said. And I do, but it was more than that. There was no part of me that wanted to stay with him. That wanted to cuddle with him that night. I wanted to go home. Even at 12:30am when I would've gotten more sleep had I just stayed, I wanted to drive the 25 minutes south to my apartment. And I did.

I didn't call Jimmy that night. I texted him while I was at The Ex's cousin's house (shortly after we had talked), Basically saying that I felt as though he made it seem like we were friends because he didn't want anyone to know he was talking to someone. He didn't respond. There are times he says he doesn't get my texts, but I don't think this was the case this time. Shit, it may never be the case. I'm starting to think this kid is all excuses. So obviously, I didn't call him.

He called me this morning at 7am. On his way to the academy. I didn't answer. I didn't call back. I don't plan on it. I'm hoping he's calling because he wants to talk about the text I sent, but I'm pretty sure he just wants to know what time I got in last night. If I got home last night. All he seems to want is to keep tabs on me.

It's definitely time for a talk.

Left wanting more

I woke up at around 3am last night and for the life of me, I couldn't go back to sleep. My mind just kept going. Could I not sleep because my mind wouldn't stop or would my mind not stop because I couldn't sleep? I'm not sure. I know that it was thoughts of Jimmy that were occupying my mind. He's the first thing I think of every time I wake up, whether it be in the middle of the night or the morning. He is who I'm thinking of when I check my phone to see if I have any missed calls or texts, always hopeful.

What monopolized my mind were thoughts of talking to him about us. What should I say, should I say anything, is it too soon, should I wait a little longer?

It's been a week and a couple days since he said he was grown, ready, and asked if I'd be willing to give him another shot. Not that long, I know. Factor in that Monday was his first day in the fire fighter's academy, and there's no mystery as to why he's been exhausted working two jobs. The academy has been a major adjustment. I know working until 2am Fri, Sat, and Sun at his second job takes a toll on top of that. I guess I've just wanted this for what feels like forever and having him say he wanted the same thing had me wanting it even more. And wanting it right away.

I'll give it to him, the spare time that he does have that isn't spent sleeping, seems to be time he tries to spend with me. He's not going out with his friends. He's not just hanging out anywhere. He calls me everyday. When something major happens that makes him upset or worried, he calls me. I'm that call.

This weekend was the first weekend since we've decided to "see what happens." On Friday he worked from 7am-4pm at the academy then had to go directly to his second job where he worked from 4pm until 2am. He texted me while working his second job and said that he missed me and hopes I know that and he couldn't wait to see me soon. He called me on his way home from his second job but it was 2am, I was in bed, and didn't really talk to him.

On Saturday after going to the gym he came to the pool with me. How he even woke up at a decent hour after a Friday like that, I have no idea. I'm tired just thinking of his schedule. He had to leave to go to his second job at 3:30. Not much time. We went back to his place, took a shower (and stuff), and then took a nap together with his phone alarm set so he could get up and go to work. I had dinner plans with my friend and needed to head home to get ready anyway. He called me at 8pm from work to see what I was doing and let me know how great earlier was and he couldn't stop thinking about it. Then again around 10ish when he's not supposed to talk on the phone at all. I put it out there and said I'd like to stay with him that night. He said if he wasn't too tired. Not the answer I wanted. And he did call me when he got home, but he didn't mention my coming over or him coming to me, so neither did I.

So I understand he's so busy and tired, but that was the gist of the time we spent together this weekend. And that's not enough for me.

I'm contemplating giving him an out (one I hope he does not take). Just asking if he felt he was right long ago when he said he was so busy and didn't have the extra time to be seeing someone. Is it too quick to jump to that? Should I wait a while and let him get used to the academy? I don't want to be an added pressure. That's why I rarely call him. I let him call me. For the most part I don't ask to see him, I let him come to me. But it's difficult. I feel myself holding back and biting my tongue because I want more. I just remember how I felt when Ken would tell me he wanted more. Ugh, it was a pain in the ass. It pushed me away. I don't want to do that. I would never go about it the way Ken did, but I also don't want to go about it in a way that makes it sound like I don't care (which I always manage to do with guys). I also don't want him to be feeling for me what I felt for Ken.

It all comes down to the fact that I really like him. I don't want his answer to be yes, it seems I just don't have the time, sorry. I don't want that. Should I really ask a question on the basis that I'm only hoping to receive one answer? If I'm going to get a different answer then I don't want to say anything. I'm just torn. I feel like a stupid schoolgirl. Pathetic. Hmph.

In other news, the ex-haircutting personal trainer at my gym called yesterday in an attempt to make our dinner plans. My strategy was to answer when he called and just tell him that I had been seeing someone and recently has gotten serious, sorry, bad timing. This is strictly because I'm not interested in him, it has nothing to do with Jimmy. Swear. Unfortunately, I missed his call. He left me the longest voice mail in the history of voice mails, but ended saying he'd be at the gym tonight. Great. Now I've got to do it in person. I hate confrontation.

I would've called him a back last night, but I went to visit The Ex at his mother's since he recently had surgery and has been and will be laid up for quite a while, and I was there when he had called. Again, there is no emotion attached to seeing him but I still get jealous when he tells me that his ex came up and visited him the night before and spent the night. Why do I get jealous if I don't have feelings for him? I say nothing by the way, I just feel it internally and curse myself for it. I have love for him but it feels like a family-type love. It's all very odd. It was nice to hang out with him and his mom. Mostly his mom. I miss his family. She still has a picture of him and I in a frame in the living room on the bookshelf where all of her children and their significant others are framed. Why not the most recent ex? I like that it was me, not gonna lie. Bad picture, one of us I took myself while we were in Punta Cana, but it was us so I was happy. I win! I commented on it to him, he said he had to turn it around when his ex came over the night before. I got jealous again. I stayed for dinner and that was it. No biggie.

As soon as I got in my car to leave I thought of Jimmy again.

Why can't there be guarantees in life?

Friday Favs :)

Weekend time! I don't know about you but this week flew by for me. Still, so happy it's the weekend.

Thought I'd make a habit of posting a few favorite tidbits I stumble upon on Fridays. Literally, stumble upon. If you haven't tried Stumble Upon, you should. Warning: it's addicting.

Moving on to the collection of mindless entertainment, (I apologize in advance if my sense of humor seems a tad bit juvenile).

http://braingoodbye.com/omfg-look-out-behind-you-30-examples

This is an oldie, but definitely a classic....



And finally, the quote of the day:

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."
-Gilda Radner

Author crush

Despite the obvious daily rants you read on my blog, I am interested in things other than my relationship status and men. I love to read and clearly, I love to write. I gave up on buying books that I see at Barnes & Noble or Target long ago. Which is not to say I don't still enjoy a good jaunt down the isles for hours on end looking at the covers and peeking at the backs. Writing down a few titles to the ever-growing list of books I want to read in my notebook as I go along. I simply realized I want to read too many books too quickly so the local library is the more feasible and financially friendly route for me. Because of the plethora of books on my list, in which I'm not sure I'll live long enough to conquer, I've never been a fan of re-reading books as some of my friends do. With just one exception.

"An Italian Affair" by Laura Fraser. I am hopelessly in love with this travel memoir. Read it.

I check up on the author from time to time to see if she's written or in the process of writing another book (i.e. I stalk her). www.laurafraser.com

She hasn't. She isn't. I'm disappointed. During my research today I came across an article she'd written recently, that again, reminded me why I love her so much. Her and I, we're a lot alike. I read a lot of myself in that article, specifically the last two paragraphs. Thought I'd share. Maybe, just maybe, you'll join me in stalking Ms. Fraser.

My Not-So-Funny Love Life

Timing is golden

The Ex is making another official attempt to get back together. He never actually stopped trying, he just stopped being vocal about it. He alternates back and forth between inserting himself into my life to remain present, asking me to do things we'd only do if we were a couple, telling me straight up how he feels, and lying back and giving me space. I know he's been trying even when it seems he's not for quite a while. I know he had no idea how to approach me in the beginning of it all. I know because he told me, and I know because I know him.

In my opinion, two recent developments have driven this particular vocalization:

1. He broke his ankle. He is a 6'2" 220lb. baby. Surgery was yesterday. He's staying at his mom's who is taking care of him. He wants me to take care of him. Not gonna happen, bud.

2. I told him about Jimmy and the possible move in. I told him of the first serious attempt we're making. Mainly because it's the reason I used for not being able to take care of him, but also because I wanted him to know. He's terrified. I don't have to tell him how I've got it bad for that kid, he knows me and he can tell. I can tell he's worried.

So, with these two factors coming into play The Ex is coming at me full force. It started Monday, but last night for once in his adult life he actually put into words, in clear sentences without any, "ya knows" how he feels. He came out and asked if we could give it another try.

I finally took the time and effort to explain to him that each time I contemplate letting him back in slightly, he reminds me of how he used to be. I let him know how the Valentine's Day debacle upset me. I let him know how last Sunday when I didn't hear from him, he let me down. I let him know that because he is no longer my boyfriend I don't have to deal with that sorta thing and I'm just not going to. Period. He said he was disappointed in himself as well and that he is going to make the change. That he loves me so much still and has never stopped. I'm his best friend. He sees him and I getting married and having babies. He knows it's going to happen. It has to happen. Hmm...

I haven't given him an inch. I told him how I'm not sure I could ever trust him again nor do I know if I even have the desire to try. I told him how when we broke up, I dealt with the hurt and the pain by myself and got over it by myself. No closure supplied by him. I haven't forgiven him and as long as we are friendly on the surface, I do not hold it against him. I can deal. Taking down the wall and letting him in again though? Not sure that's possible without drudging up the unfinished business. Not sure I even want to try.

Of course he still sees me as the person he wants to marry and have children with, I didn't hurt him. I didn't betray him and let him down. I just left. I decided I wanted and deserved more and I was never going to get it from him. So I let go. I moved on. Right?

However, despite knowing all of this, hearing him say the things he says does send my mind reeling, (obviously or I wouldn't be writing about it today). I can't say his words do not affect me. There is definitely still a part of me that wants to believe in him. I do believe he wants the things he says he does, what I don't believe is he will put the effort it requires into getting any of it.

The bottom line is I have no desire to give him/us another shot right now. I have feelings for Jimmy and I'm exploring that first. I need to. I want to. Sorry bud, but you've put yourself on the back burner and you're not getting bumped up simply because you've successfully expressed emotion. He asked if after Jimmy, could we give it another shot. I still feel like I don't know, which is what I told him. Time and time again I put a glimmer of faith into him. Time and time again he proves he did not deserve it. It's going to stop. He'd have to seriously prove himself. So to sum it up, I'm not thinking about giving him another chance right now, at all.

"When it comes to men that are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do."
-Randy Paush

Smart man.

Just letting it happen...

Follow your heart. Don't worry about what other's think or say. What's meant to be will be. Dont' be afraid to take a chance. It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. So many cliches, so little time.

Is there truth to any of them? Is there something to be said for making spontaneous decisions rather than carefully thought out "smart" ones? Should everything be done in a respectable sequence? Do following the unspoken relationship rules equal pure and utter bliss while coloring outside the lines will surely lead to disaster and regret?

I'm pretty sure no one knows the answer to these questions but more than likely have asked them to themselves, their girlfriends, and/or their significant others. None of which have ever had the answer. Time is the only answer. Oh, how time will tell.

For the past two years I've been the careful, cautious, calculating one. The 3Cs. Wow.

I've been living in hiding. Tiptoeing around relationships. Testing the water but ultimately deciding I'd rather hang back and stay dry. I've been following quite the script. A routine I've got down for sure and what's more boring then a one woman routine?

Maybe it's time to throw all caution to the wind. Be spontaneous. Take a chance. Live a little. Let things get a bit messy, remind myself I'm really living.

Jimmy has suggested moving in together. Crazy, I know. Sudden, quick, yes. Possible disaster? Definitely. I feel crazy just writing this. I feel the judgment. Sitting alone at my computer typing, I feel myself being judged.

My initial reaction is no. Duh. Crazy, psycho babble this boy is talking. He is not serious. He's serious though. He looks hurt when I bring up all of the worries, what ifs, and assumptions. His eyes start to roll. Leave it up to me to muck up an exciting idea with worries. He doesn't care. He doesn't agree. We're together anyway, right? Is his reaction. You said you wanted something real, something serious. Just sleep on it, he says.

Maybe I need to take a chance. Maybe it's time I go out on the wire and go after something I keep saying I want. Time to follow up some of this talking with some action. It doesn't have to be permanent. If it doesn't work, he can move it. Yes, he can be the one to move out. I know this isn't the attitude you should have going into something like this, but it's true.

The more I think about it the more I like the idea. I understand how crazy it seems but I'm not sure I care. I worried more about moving in with John who I'd known for 12+ years. Ken asked me to move in with him and I didn't even entertain the thought. What's with guys being so quick to co-habitate these days anyway? Seriously.

Well, it's not a definite. It's a possibility. It may not ever happen. But I realize, I'd be okay with it. We'll see how this thing plays out.

Foolish me

I'm so quick to assume the worst these days. He's gonna fuck it up, he's fucking it up, that's it, he has gone and fucked it all up. It's over. I knew it. Geeze. I think I need to cut him just a wee bit of slack. Bring back the good old benefit of the doubt.

Just one night that he didn't call me (after his very first day in the fireman's academy when he had to get up at an ungodly hour), and I assume he's bullshit. Harsh, even for me. I even sent him a "Whatever, you're acting the same" text last night before I went to sleep. Nailing that coffin. He called me today at 4:13pm (he gets out of the academy at 4 so right away) asking why I was so mad at him. Poor guy. It warmed my heart when he said, "I fell asleep, babe!" Aw. Hearing him call me babe and I'm immediately mush. Forgiven.

I'm just so afraid that it's all going to go away and even before it's really begun. That he's going to realize he didn't really mean what he had said and pull away again. That it's not real. That he's not real. I put myself out there and tried with him for at least a couple of weeks. I know this sounds like no time at all, but considering it was my first time chasing a guy, it means a lot to me. Now that he's come back around I'm just so happy to have it and at the same time so afraid to lose it. I think I'm falling in love with this kid. Seriously, what am I getting myself into? I don't care. I'm not going to think about it, analyze it (more than I already have), I'm just going to let it happen. I am thankful to have this feeling for him. It feels so damn good. I'm going with it.

Sweet, sweet pickle

So as mentioned in my last post, I've made my realization that I am ready for something real. The BBD (Bigger, Better Deal).

I'm ready to take something and someone seriously. It is due time to clear out the bullshit and make room for the realness. No more, eh, why not go out with him? From now on, I'm not going out with someone unless I significantly want to. Unless I actually see myself with this person down the road, at least in a dating sense. The, "a girls' gotta eat" motto I've been living by for the past 2 years is officially going out the window. And with that, once I've realized I don't see myself with said person, I will be moving on leaving them behind. No more worries about remaining friends, cordial, etc. No more baggage. Traveling light is the goal.

This comes on the heels of being sick and tired, tired and sick, time and time again with the guys I've been dealing with lately. Hanging out with my very best, oldest friend and her boyfriend who have a great relationship has also helped me see that I'm ready for something like what they have. Pepper in the fact that this past Friday, August 15, was my official 2-year Independent Anniversary. Yup, it had been 2 years to the day since I moved out of the house I had shared with The Ex. It hit me that I've been fucking around for the past 2 years. I'm putting my big girl pants on.

So that brings me to the events of this past weekend. Saturday my best and oldest friend and I decide to go out to dinner and drinks, something that has been long overdue. I rarely get that girl outta house, so armed with my new and improved attitude and her by my side, I was pretty darn excited. I had $100 to expense at any restaurant, a gift given to me by my company for putting in 3 years, and if we couldn't eat that $100 then by god we were gonna drink it. I bought a hot new top that would definitely go with my favorite gold heels. Perfect outfit in mind I was set.

So the best place to eat (and drink) and easily rack up $100 is the lovely hot spot that Jimmy just so happens to work weekends at. She hadn't been out in forever and this hot summer spot wouldn't be open much longer with the season quickly coming to an end, so that is where we set off. Can't lie, I was excited to strut around in front of Jimmy because, gotta say, I looked hot.

It was a gorgeous summer night so clearly we weren't alone in thinking it would be a great idea to sit outside by the water and have dinner. Needless to say, we had to wait for an outside table. We went to the outdoor deck to get a drink or two while we waited. As we casually walked onto the deck, there was Jimmy who reached out and grabbed me as I walked by and pulled me in for a big hug. It was all over his face what he thought when he saw me. How easy men are to read sometimes, I swear. Well, I was completely casual. He was all over it, introducing me to the guys he works with (obviously trying to show off that he knew me), asking when I was going to come see his dog who "misses me terribly," and complimenting how great I looked. (I had even laid out at the pool for a couple hours earlier that day so I'd have a fresh brown tan...I was wearing white shorts and a cream top with gold accessories. Glowing).

I was definitely enjoying waltzing around looking good in a see-what-you-gave-up way, and totally expected him to have that reaction. What I didn't expect was the extent of his reaction. After we were seated at our table, about to order, a guy with a basket of roses came over and handed me a red rose and my friend a pink rose. I looked at him stumped. The man then motioned behind him (clearly he didn't speak a lick of English), and as I followed his look I saw Jimmy on the other side of the bar waving. Presh. I then received a text.

Jimmy: "Oh my God you look really good tonight. I just don't know why I wouldn't try with
you, but I do like you. I think it's that I really don't think you like me, you just say you do."
Me: "Thanks, and thanks for the roses. I did like you, I tried remember? Bad timing I guess. It's cool though.
Jimmy: Well, would you be willing to talk to me again?

I had no idea what to say. My friend had hundreds of ideas, all complete with hurdles and hoops he must jump through before he'd be worthy. I knew I'd never make him do any of those things. Shortly after the last text he came over to our table to talk for a bit, bringing yet another friend to introduce me to. Funny. He asked if I got his text and I said that I had. I was totally playing it cool. He then left us to our appetizer. Finally I responded.

Me: I would but I'm not going to be the one trying. You were acting like a jerk for a while. Why the sudden change of mind?
Jimmy: I am grown up and ready now to start.
Me: Well, we can see what happens.

He went on texting me throughout the night saying things like how he has missed me and more about how good I looked. I loved it. I really did. Did I finally get what I had wanted for so long? All it took is for me to stop, give up, and then put myself in his vision? The thought was definitely running through my mind that this kid is an out of sight out of mind type guy and hadn't thought about me at all until I showed up at his work looking fabulous and so he decided he wanted me. Of course once I was no longer there he wouldn't. That he meant it then but didn't mean it indefinitely.

I can't help that I still like him so much, so I put that thought out of my mind temporarily. I decided I'd just go with it. I owe it to myself considering the feelings I have for him that clearly I just can't kick. I stand by the fact that I will not be the one trying anymore. But how fabulous would it be if were finally on the same page? Part of me thinks he has just been afraid all along. Maybe he really is ready, maybe.

My friend and I finished our dinner and stayed for a few hours after before we moved onto another bar around 11:30 to do some serious, much overdue dancing. He wanted me to come to his place and "cuddle" once I got home. He'd be getting off early and would stay up and wait for me. He texted and called me while I was out and I just told him to go to sleep. He was tired. I wasn't going home early, I was having a blast with my girlfriend. I didn't want it to be that easy for him anyway.

Another friend of mine and I headed back there on Sunday for lunch. She's much younger (I actually used to babysit her!), and she was heading to college the next day. It was our going away lunch. I was taking her to an "adult" place I knew she'd love. I know, I was not oblivious to the fact that I was going there twice in one weekend but I swear it had nothing to do with him. These were two things planned out way in advance and just so happened to fall on the same weekend. Trust me, I was embarrassed by this. But still, I did see him again. He was sweet as anything again.

My friend wound up spending the night that night so we couldn't see each other later. He had asked. I'm kind of glad I was unavailable. I don't want to be available to him at the drop of a hat, simply because he decided to change his mind and was ready. (Though I did just 3 days earlier tell him I was ready). But he did walk his dog to my apartment and ask me to come outside to see him for a minute. I did, we talked, we kissed. He asked if I was his baby. Instantly I turn to mush once again. I couldn't be happier to say yes. I asked if he meant all the things he had said the night before. He said of course he did, he wouldn't have said them if he didn't. We kissed more. Mmmm. He came back around past my place on his way home and I went out. We kissed more. Oh, crushing so badly. Shamelessly crushing.

That night I dreamed of him. I kept waking up and asking myself if the things he had said had really happened or not, and then was happy to think that it really had. This is how freaking seriously I like him. Sheer craziness. I could barely sleep just so I could wake myself up to remind myself that it is real. Disgusting, I know.

Yesterday was his first day in the academy (he just got accepted into the fire department, could he GET any hotter?). He called me at his lunch break to let me know how it was going. Again, warms my heart. He asked if we could cuddle that night, I said maybe. I called him when I got out of work, he didn't answer, and then I headed into the gym. I worked out for a little over an hour. He called me twice while I was in the gym. I called him once I got out and immediately he did the, "Where are you?" The gym! "Meeting guys at the gym?" Ugh. I hate that he assumes that I meet guys at the gym, (although, his thoughts are warranted because guys do hit on me at the gym and I had even given my number out that day to a personal trainer. I'll get to that shortly). He wanted to come by. How long would it be until I was home? I told him I had to walk the dog, make dinner, all of that but he could come by after. I called him around 8:30 when I was done walking the dog, no answer. I never heard from him again last night. Did he just fall asleep? Doubt it at 8:30.

I'm just always left feeling confused. Maybe I was right and he only said the things he said because he thought I looked good that night. Otherwise, it's out of sight out of mind for that kid. Or, was he pissed that I didn't answer when I was at the gym and was getting me back? He's so spiteful like that. Hate it. I really just don't know. I dreamed of him last night too. This time though, I dreamed that he came into my bedroom on his way into work and hugged me to say he was sorry for not calling me back last night. I dreamed that when I woke I had an apology text and a phone call. In reality, I woke to nothing. And still nothing. It's noon, lunchtime break for him, and nothing. I feel wretched. I want him to call. I want to hear from him and have him give me a reason that makes it all better.

In other news, The Ex has freaking radar. He called me last night to say hi (also while I was in the gym). I had wanted to let him know about the changes with Jimmy and I anyway. The Ex broke his ankle. He needs to have surgery. He wants me to take care of him. I told him about Jimmy and how his timing couldn't be worse. I've gotta shape up just in case this thing is for real. I'm not trying to do anything to fuck it up. At least for a certain grace period to wait this thing out. Sorry bud, you can't stay here. I'm not taking care of you.

After telling him about Jimmy, he told me to be careful. As if he should be providing advice to me regarding my love life. He knows how bad I have it for Jimmy, he can tell. After we got off the phone he texted me just to tell me how much he loves me. Jeez. I just laugh off these comments. I said, "Wow, you really want someone to take care of you, huh!" He went on to say how he wants me to, I know how much he loves me and when are we going to give it another try? I just told him, again, with the bad timing. He says that he thinks it is going to happen naturally with time. He can think that all he wants but honestly, I have no desire to profess any type of love to him. I think it's officially gone in that way. I couldn't be happier about that.

On another totally separate note (sorta). The personal trainer at the gym who complimented me my hair cut because "he used to cut hair" that I've been chatting without a care with because, duh, he has to be gay, apparently is not. Nope, definitely straight. How do I know? Whelp, he asked me out to dinner last night while I was working on my lats. Fabulous. I have an inability to turn people down, even when I know I ultimately, will do just that. I just feel so bad. I've been talking to him for days just casually, being nice, thinking he wasn't interested. Totally wrong. Damn it. How am I so naive, time and time again? Didn't I learn anything from Ken who always told me that guys aren't my friends, they just want to fuck me? (Harsh right? That's seriously how he put it.)

Ugh, I gave the ex-hair-cutting personal trainer my number. While I'm giving it to him I'm literally thinking of how I'm going to get out of this. I can't stop going to this gym, no way. I can't stop coming. I can't ignore his calls because I'll see him at the gym. I'm going to have to actually come up with a legitimate excuse. I'll just tell him I had been dating someone and it just got serious. Sorry, bad timing. I'll let it down easy. The only other issue I have is there is a trainer at the gym I had been eying for weeks. Pretty sure once it gets out that I gave my number to Larry the ex-hair cutter, I'll never have a chace with the hot trainer. And if that fact doesn't do it, my fake reason surely will. Jeez. Leave it to me. A pickle for sure. Sweet.

The B.B.D.

August 11, 2008

The Bigger, Better Deal. Bring it on. I'm ready for it. I'm ready to get excited about someone. I'm ready to fall for someone instead of being excited that someone is falling for me. I'm through with being flattered, I want to be swept away.

I guess it's natural for me to want to relay this info to the two guys that are currently inhabiting my life (and my cell phone) because 1. When I meet Mr. Right I don't want him to peace out once he looks around and sees all these Mr. Wrongs hanging around and 2. I might just want one of them to step up and fill the shoes of Mr. Right.

I've been waiting for the opportune moment to tell Jimmy, actually, not even the opportune moment, just a moment in general. I want to make it a point to tell him I've discovered what I want as if he is going to want anything to do with it. What do I think he is going to do, change? Act differently? Suddenly realize he wants the same thing and we'll proceed to ride off into the sunset? (Yes). I'm pretty sure he wants one thing and it's not the same thing I want. I need to face that. I need to keep telling myself this until myself allows it to sink in for a decent length of time. I need it to stick.

Of course I tell Ken my revelation and immediately he is ready to fill the shoes. He wants to be that guy. He believes he is that guy. Such confidence. And what does he do? Ask me if I'll come over so he can make me dinner and we can talk. What did Jimmy do when I started to tell him? I say started because I didn't even finish before he cut me off and said he had to go. Seriously. That was a blow. That hurt. I felt it through me.

I know I'm feeling restless emotionally when I write a lot (mostly about nothing) and search for comfort in quotes, i.e. someone much smarter than I saying things I can relate to. I try to hold onto the quotes like, "Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you." And it just makes me wonder what is it about me that makes him not remain interested. Reading quotes about just make me think of him. I can't possibly love him. The feelings I have for him are so reminiscent of the feelings I had for John when I was 16, 17, 18. He's the John of 2008. And you know how good that turned out.

I hate how my hands start to shake when I know I'm going to see him. My whole body shakes sometimes but my hands are the worst. I get a nauseous feeling in my stomach. I'd call them butterflies but butterflies sound too sweet and nice. There's nothing sweet and nice about these things. I think about him almost all the time. Definitely at least once a day. Even more so I hate that I have no concrete reason as to why I have these feelings. None. And all I want is to forget about him. All I want is something good and something real and I just don't think I will find it within him.

Mother Theresa once said, "If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive." Does that mean that before I love another I must forgive The Ex or does that just mean that if I ever wanted to love The Ex again I'd need to forgive him? Hmm.

Other's that have got me thinking are...

"Don't seek the because--in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions."
And that makes me feel wretched. It can't be love.

"I didn't want it to mean that much to me." The simplest quote that embodies exactly how I feel and have been feeling for longer than I'm willing to admit.

"I want to be free of you...the way you, obviously, are free of me." I couldn't want that more.

"They say our loves are shaped not by those who love us but by those who refuse to love us." Hello? Yea, my life for the past 2 months has definitely been shaped by this bullshit.

"Maybe I'm not supposed to be over him. I mean, look at how many times I've tried. Maybe there's a reason it's not working." I hate quotes like these because they make me feel like I'm doing the right thing by holding on and need to keep on when my whole being wants to stop. I can't pinpoint that part that won't stop but something is holding on, disagreeing and that part is the bigger more influential part because it is governing all.

"She will chase you around for a while; but there's going to be a day when she's going t stop running in circles around you. She's going to get over you and at that very moment you're going to wish you had let her catch you." This one I fear the most. I hate when it happens and inevitably it does. I have said to myself and three others at least that I'm ready for something real, something good. I've been taking nothing and no one seriously for the past two years, and I do not regret this fact, I needed it. But I am finished with it. I'm ready to be serious. I'm ready to fall for someone who is also falling for me. I want something real. I want something good. I will probably find that and then have Jimmy come cruising back in.

"What appears to be the end is really a new beginning." That's what I need to focus on. This new beginning that I've decided that I want. I'm in no rush for it to happen, I'm just ready and open for it. The B.B.D.

Then I see things like, "If it didn't really matter you wouldn't spend so much time thinking about it." I spend more time thinking about that boy than anything else.

"Ask me why I keep loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you." I hate the word love being sprinkled in there, I'd rather say "like." But that's true to how I feel now regardless.

And then random things happen. I think to myself, if only he knew how good it could be...how he's selling himself short. And then, immediately after, I see a quote that says, "If he only knew how much I need him." And yesterday while sitting at my desk at work I'm thinking about him (as always) a friend sends me a funny video to watch which turns out to be The Muppets singing a song entitled, "Jimmy Boy." Yea, no joke.

The almost comical thing is that it seems Ken feels for me what I feel for Jimmy and in turn I feel for Ken what Jimmy feels for me. Isn't that how it's supposed to go down in middle school? Haven't we graduated and such? Oy vey.

Ready for the realness

August 10, 2008

I am completely and utterly sick of guys, at least the guys that are currently in my life. I believe the idea that we meet certain people in our lives for a reason. Each person has something to teach or show us. Sometimes they reveal something about ourselves to us. Mirrors. They are all lessons and once the lesson is learned, once they’ve taught or shown us what they are intended to teach or show, we move on; wiser. Until we find the person who is supposed to remain.

Victor taught me not to put up with certain abusive actions. He taught me that a person can be abusive without physically harming you. He showed me the warning signs and he made me realize I should not put up with being treated poorly and should bounce quickly. I learned that lesson the hard way.

The Ex showed me that not all people can live up to there full potential. He showed me that you cannot will someone to change and you cannot help him or her from him or herself. He also taught me that sometimes you have to put you and your happiness first, and that although there was the dream of something and the hope of a future, that future can change and when it has you have to pack up and leave. He taught me how to let go. That was the hardest lesson thus far. A lesson I’m still dealing with.

John taught me that even when there’s passion, there must be something more. He showed me that love sometimes love is not enough and that you cannot settle.

Alan showed me my demons. He helped me see that I hold onto my past like a badge and allow it to hold me back. I lean on it and use it as an excuse when I should never. He let me know that getting over being hurt is a daily struggle, something that you don’t do just once and then move on. It’s something you deal with over and over and you have to do just that. He was the first step in putting my past in the past.

Ken showed me that I have been extremely naïve when it comes to men and their intentions. I believe that all of them just want to be loved, but the truth is, some of them just want me for my body. Some of them are just after one thing and will do/say anything to get it. Ken showed me that body parts govern some men. Yes, I've heard this and known this, but I always believe the good in people and some people just don't have it. He taught me that something things just are what they are, plain and simple. This is something that is difficult to deal with.

Jimmy showed me that, shit, no matter how old you are, you can still get played. I was stupid enough to believe that that was a thing of the past, but no, some guys still think its cool and do it. Every guy I ever dated or slept with always wanted more from me and I was cocky with that assumption. He showed me that although up until this point in my 27 years I may not have been played, does not mean a guy won’t come along and do it and whelp, he did it. He got the best of me and I wont’ be stupid enough to let that happen again.

I guess I’m fed up with guys right now because the most recent lessons I’ve learned from Ken and Jimmy are the most despicable ones. Maybe I’ve always been gullible and naïve and everyone has known this about me but me. Lately I feel like I am being used by all of these guys.

Jimmy calls me when it is convenient for him. It is all about him. I hear from him only if he needs something or has something to tell me. I am here for him. Does he ever ask me about me, my day, my work? No. If I call him at any other time he is completely uninterested.

The Ex is trying to come back into my life but he is lost. He knows that he is lost and I think he thinks that if he were with me than he would find himself. I am now the answer. The Ex is always seeking the answer in another person when the truth is that he needs to find it within himself. If I were to get back with him he would only eventually feel lost and seek to be found in someone else. I am safe though. I am something he knows, something good, and since he doesn’t have me he thinks I am the answer. I’m not. Only he has the answer within himself and until he finds it he will never be happy. Truth be told, I can see him searching for his entire life. Constantly moving on and on through women and circles of friends, never looking within.

I am so disgusted by the awful truth that Ken has shown me that although I know this may be a universal truth, I associate him with that truth. I probably always will and therefore, will never be able to trust him. There's no chance I'll be able to say, "he's different," even if it's just something I chose to tell myself.

The question is, have I learned all the lessons I've needed to learn? Am I officially schooled now? Is there a reason why I’m being faced with all of these trials when it comes to relationships? Is there some sort of plan laid out for me that require me to learn all of these things? I’d like to think so. I know I’m nowhere near perfect and I feel like I did need to learn these lessons. As each layer is revealed I feel the sensation that I have been sheltered. I can’t help but wonder if I could have been perfectly happy meeting someone good without having to learn all of these truths though. I’m sure I needed to, mainly because I am attracted to, and typically go for the bad guy. This is an unhealthy pattern of mine, I know. Something that I need to grow out of and possibly this is the message I’ve been intended to learn all along. Well, I’ve got it. I’ve got it, okay?

I’m tired of the lessons; I’m tired of the bad guys. Haven’t I done my time? I’m a good person.

So with all of these lessons coming full circle, I’ve realized that I’m ready for something real. I’m ready to start something good. I’m tired of this dating game and these awful guys. I’m ready to fall for someone and I’m ready for that someone to be good. My wish at this point, is that someone, somewhere has learned a lesson or two from mine. God knows we can’t live long enough to make all of the mistakes so we’ve got to learn from others. Maybe my mistakes, my trials, my lessons, can save someone a little heartache from learning them for themselves.

Insecurity

August 4, 2008

I feel as though I am insecure, but only under certain circumstances. It’s odd, I know. Insecurity with an asterisk. I think I am attractive and I notice that guys check me out. As self-absorbed as it sounds, I expect guys to pay attention to me and to hit on me. I actually expect the guys I decide to date to fall for me and want to be with me. When I decide to hook up with a guy, it never enters my mind to wonder if I'll hear from them the next day. I assume I will and thus far, I always have.

I am confident in these ways so how could I be insecure? The insecurity comes in when it's time to get personal. All the elements mentioned above are mostly the beginning stages. The firsts.

I get incredibly insecure once the firsts fade away and we start to get to know each other, as in substance. Spending the night with them, bringing them to my apartment, allowing them into my life, these things terrify me. I put if off as long as humanly possible. I don’t want them to see me wake up in the morning or without makeup on. I don’t want them to see me casual or see my apartment, the way that I live. I worry they won’t like me anymore once they know me.

Then there’s the point where we have to start talking about serious things, about getting closer and spending lots of time together. It stops me from being spontaneous with them. Just up and doing things with them. Movie nights in, ugh. I’m not sure where this insecurity comes from. I’m not sure what my hesitation is in getting close to someone. Do I feel like I need to keep men at a distance in order for me to remain interested? I love having my own place to go to away from them. I need to feel separate from them. The less they know, the less they’ve seen, the easier it is for me to remain separate.

I’m at odds with myself because I feel as though I’m want more, that I’m ready for someone. Once I get someone and it reachs that "serious" point, I push them away. Am I always going to push people away or is it just not the right person? It isn’t crazy to assume that at 27 after a long-term, committed relationship (or two dare I say), that I now know what I want and more importantly, what I don’t want and I simply recognize it? Therefore I know right away when it's not there and feel the need to move on?

I’m afraid to put myself out there because I feel like I want something until I get it and I then I have to duck out. I don’t want to make a habit of showing every guy I date how fucked up I am. Then comes the question of whether not I am in fact fucked up or if they’re just the wrong guys? Will I not be fucked up when the right guy comes along? I’d like to think that’s the case.

(Shortly after writing this entry I found an incredible article that I think, illustrates my issue. Possibly, like a guy who chases after a woman with the intention to get her in bed and then once he is successful he loses interest, I as a woman chase after a man with the intention of wanting them to commit and once they do I lose interest. Apparently it is common but easily goes under the radar.) Here's a link to the article. Fab.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Bad-Girls:-Lets-Be-Honest-Ladies,-Arent-You-Only-Into-Him-Because-Hes-Not-Into-You?&id=87022

In other news, I am back and forth over the idea of whether I should say something to Jimmy or not. Should I ignore his phone calls or tell him exactly how I feel? I feel like no matter what I say it won’t come across how I want it and the truth is, I’m not exactly sure what it is that I want from him. Makes it kind of hard to tell him exactly how I feel when I’m not totally sure. Well, I guess that’s not entirely true but the truth just sounds kind of shallow, ego-like.

The truth is I’m upset that he doesn’t want me even though I’m not sure I want him. Regardless, I want him to want me. I want him to be calling me. I want him to want to see me and spend time with me, especially after I just had sex with him. I want him to want to be with me. If I say this in some way it just sounds like I want to be with him. Like I want a relationship or some sort of commitment from him and I’m pretty sure I don’t want that. Yea, I think it’s my ego that wants to be stroked.

The line has been drawn

August 3, 2008

I give him so much while he gives the bare minimum. He really makes no effort at all yet I fall to his feet. I never act this way. Never have I acted that way, even in my immature youth when I should’ve been and most girls were. They all wised up and here I am making up for lost time. I’ve always had guys respect me and want more from me than sex. I always made them work for the sex and even if I gave it up early, they always came back for more. I would’ve never given it up early if I didn’t know that they respected me and wanted more than to get laid. Yet here I am at 27 allowing a 23 year old to take advantage of me and use me for sex, basically. I need to stop avoiding what is clearly going on. It makes me so angry. I want to yell at him. I want to scream at him. I want to tell him how great of a girl I am and how much I have going for me, but it wouldn’t matter. He doesn’t care. He calls me when he has something to tell me but doesn’t care about me or what’s may be going on with me. Never has he shown an interest my life. He is completely and entirely self-serving. Why is that okay? He is working me and I’m allowing him to, telling myself that I’m just letting it happen because I’m single and its not hurting anyone. What I realize is that it is hurting someone because it’s hurting me. I am not and never will be the girl who is okay with casual sex unless I am the party that feels casual about it. I have to at least know that the guy wants more from me. This shit eats me up and pisses me off. How dare he. And what the fuck am I doing taking what I can get from this boy. Acting as if he’s god’s gift and has a lot to offer me. He has nothing to offer me, because he’s not offering anything. I think it began as an ego thing and it’s been a game to me in the fact that he hasn’t been hooked and I’ve wanted to get him hooked. I want the tables to turn to my favor again. It’s a power/control thing that I’m used to, and want to always have. I’ve been trying to get it back. I’ve been trying to win. I’m hurting myself in the process and allowing myself to feel used. Its not worth “winning.” I just wanted to prove to myself that if I turned this around and he was trying and hooked on me again, that it wouldn’t have just been sex. He would’ve wanted more. Yes, he’s attractive but he’s no the best looking guy in the world. Yes, he’s funny but he’s also exhausting. Yes, he has a lot going for him but he’s in no way shown that he wants to share any of that with me. Nor do I want to share any of mine with him. The times that its just him and I and there’s nothing to say, either on the phone or together, it’s awkward. You’ve humored yourself saying that it is a crush and foolish, that you’re making up for the lost time of inappropriate dating in your 20s, those are excuses, face it, this is not you. Let it go.

Stop. You have nothing to prove to that boy, or to yourself. You know your worth even if he doesn’t. You never allowed a man to treat you this way in the past, so why start now? The more that you play into this game in an attempt to feel as though you’ve won, the further you go down in the battle and the worse you will then feel in the end. It’s not worth it. It is not about him. It happened. Learn from it and move on. So what if it happened now and so what if it was him and you’re mad. Would it have been better if it were an older guy? Would it have been easier if it had happened when you were younger? You were out of the dating pool for years. You were out of it when this sort of thing should have been occurring. Of course you’re naïve to its signs. You were in relationships from 17-25. You recognize what it is so stop ignoring it. You are an attractive, smart, college-educated woman with her own career that allows her to stand on her own two feet and take care of herself all by herself. You are not dependent on anyone. You are so much better than this, and what he is doing so stop giving yourself away for free. Stop feeling bad about the lack of attention and minor effort that he makes. You can’t change it and you can’t change him, all you can do is decide what you will and will not accept. Be real with yourself for one second, do you really want to change him? Do you really, and I mean really, want to be with him like that? It is time to stop being accepting of it. It’s time to demand more or nothing at all. You are too damn good for this shit!

I’m not saying I can’t talk to him. I can talk to him. But I will not be allowing the behavior anymore. I’m bringing the real me back because for some reason she has been being suppressed for him with no good reason to speak of. Done and done with all of that nonsense, and not done as in its time to start playing the game done, (where its not really done its simply another route in an attempt to get the best of him), just done period. Seriously.

On another note, I’m not sure if its just because I’ve been off for the past week and spent a lot of time with myself, but I feel like I’m missing the closeness of a relationship. I understand that it could be because of the stay-cation, but I also recognize that I haven’t felt this longing in quite a while. Its not for a specific person, in fact, its for a person that I don’t currently know. That’s what I want, someone I don’t know who doesn’t know me who doesn’t know who I know. Maybe I feel that way because it seems less attainable, i.e. can remain an unrequited longing that I can simply rest on rather than something I can make a reality because I know I could if I wanted to. Ken, The Ex, John. Yea, I could have a relationship if I wanted one, with one of them. I don’t want one with one of them, but I feel like I want one. I miss the closeness, the cuddling and watching movies in bed, breakfast on Sundays followed by more cuddling in bed. I want that. I’m ready for that. I’m not going to go looking for that or start it up with someone who I clearly have already discovered I don’t want it with, but if it happens I’m open to it.

In the meantime, I’m going to continue to work at work and work at the gym. I need to cut any physical relationship with guys that don’t meet the criteria I want (Jimmy). Do I tell him I want more? Probably not, he’ll assume I want it with him when I’m pretty sure I don’t. If he was different and wanted it, I might, but that’s all hypothetical.

The odd thing is that I have found myself thinking about John while I’ve been off this week. This is the first time since the incident two months ago that I’ve found myself thinking about him and missing him. Maybe it’s because I want what him and I had, but with someone else. I miss what him and I had. I found myself charging my old cell phone just so I could go through it and see all the sweet text messages that he used to send me. I’m thankful to still have had them because they helped with the Jimmy realization. John really loved me. John, at one point, was really very sweet to me. It warmed my heart to read the things he had written to me. I feel bad for blowing so much of it off. I feel bad for being bothered by it all. It was all too much for me. I can’t help my feelings about it but I do feel bad for them. He put all of his pride aside to try to get me back and love me. All he really wanted was to love me and for me to love him back. I am not disregarding his short comings and I’m not thinking of being with him (ever) again, I’m just, for the first time in over two months, remembering that there was more than negative things attached to him. Reminds me why I put up with all the bullshit for so many years. There is a good side buried there. I’m grateful that those messages helped me to realize my worth.