August 16, 2008

A minor setback

December 7, 2007

Maybe it's because of the holidays. Maybe it's because I'm getting closer to someone else. Maybe it's because all of a sudden I've realized how much we have been communicating. Maybe it's all of these things simultaneously working together to bring me to this place...this place I thought I'd left far behind me long, long ago. Maybe I’m just not over him the way that I thought I was.

Regardless, those old feelings have resurfaced. I feel melancholy. I feel the need to replay those “certain” songs on my iPod...over and over. Shamelessly. Allowing myself to take in all of the pain and just sit in it. Stew. As if I've gotten nowhere.

At one point, the beginning of “this,” I felt perfectly okay. Honestly, I felt 100%, utterly okay with him and with us as we were. I was so proud of myself. More like over-confident. I still stand by the fact that at that point I really was okay. But then what did I go and do? I got all cocky with my new found okay-ness. I was warned by those close to me to be careful and I just disregarded the warnings because "I was fine." I actually got annoyed with the comments. Psh. Who did I think I was? Saying to myself that no one can know how I feel better than me. I should have listened when they said, "don't make this a habit."

The truth is I was okay until all of a sudden, without the slightest warning, I wasn't. It hit me as it always did in the past...blindsided. There’s that familiar feeling. Classic. I got cocky with it. Every time he called I answered because I was fine. Why not? I was sooo over him. I felt okay so I went with it full force. Assuming that I'd always be okay. As if I were cured. As if there were no remnants of him in my heart. But the truth is that he's still there. He'll always be there. Who am I kidding?! Guess I should just face that; face that I can't be in steady contact with him. I can only handle a telephone conversation, perhaps a lunch every few months. He sure has a way of just pushing himself forcefully back in. I know what he's doing the whole time, I'm conscious of it, yet still, BAM...there he is…success for him. The ex 1,001: Me 0.

So here he is trying. Here he is calling and asking me to do so many things. Lunches, dinners, Raven’s games, fight nights…always with the extra tickets. Here he is caring about the things I wish he cared about a year ago. Here he is getting jealous. And I'm not naive as to why. I know what he's doing and I can't let him. He's trying to get back in for all the wrong reasons. Nothing about what he is doing sincere but that in no way means it will affect me any less then in an incredibly sincere way. I've let myself get in too deep. Now I just need him to stop. I need him to stay gone. I need him to back off and he's not going to...especially not now. The man can smell my vulnerability and he’s picked up my scent.

So now I have someone else to consider. This isn't John. I can't explain to this someone else what I'm feeling. I can't put it all out there like I could with John. I can't bother him with this nonsense. It’s supposed to be rooted in my past. I can't clutter what we are building. So I have to proceed without a speed bump…except I'm feeling distant. Here comes that feeling of wanting to push him away. Take back some of the closeness I've given up. Why do I let myself get carried away all the time? Then I can't get myself back without hurting someone. I really let this one take off. I thought I was so done and over with all of these feelings. Will I ever be?

They say that we belong forever to people who have hurt us badly, or been badly hurt by us. Will I always at some point in a relationship put men up against John and the ex and the closeness and openness that I had with the two of them? The one I hurt badly and the one who badly hurt me? It didn't used to be so hard for me to be close to someone. I'm so hesitant now. And when the process begins in the slightest, I begin mourning the ex all over again. I get into this funk that I can't pull myself out of. Of course it could be the holidays. It could be the frequent communication. It could be a lot of things. A lot of things other then what I’m resisting it to be.

The bottom line is where I’m at I do not want to be. And even worse, I have his physical presence added to the mix. Previously most of this nonsense was just in my head (as it still is), but I didn’t have him actually calling and being so forthcoming. Having to profusely turn him down. Telling me things like I’m hurting his feelings. Why the hell do I care if his feelings are hurt anyway? I should revel in that. Asking me to do things. I can only deal with so much. I’m naturally weak and vulnerable when it comes to him. I can feel the vulnerability making a come back. I hope he can’t sense it. I think I’m doing a pretty good job at keeping up the farce. What’s funny is he has decided to throw it all, along with his pride, out the window all for the cause. So not like him…or at least the him I thought I knew.

Maybe what it all boils down to is that he is, thus far, my first and only love. Of course nothing will compare to him at this point in my life. It is expected that there will be period of time where the transition of letting him go will be difficult. It is true that you may fall in love in an instant, but it takes much longer to fall out of love. It’s true what they say about first loves; they’re the hardest. You fall the hardest and when it doesn’t work out, they’re the hardest to forget…

"We must be willing to let go of the life we've planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

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