Rainy Saturday

Today is one of those days when I feel the negative impacts of my dating hiatus. I'm alone and lonely. For me, there's a difference. I spend a lot of my time, I'd say the majority of my time (that I'm not at work), alone yet I do not feel lonely. Today, no such case. I'm lonely.

It's been raining all day. It's cloudy and cold. I want to curl up on the sofa with someone, order dinner and watch a movie. I want someone to want to be with me. To call me and say they want to see me, let's chill and relax. To spoon in bed with. To wake up on Sunday morning and cook breakfast with then get back into bed.

Lately I've had no desire to get all fancied up and go out. Shit, I've had no desire to go out period. So I chill. Alone. Normally I'm okay with that, but today and tonight, I'm lonely.

In other news, I spent a wee bit of time with Jimmy last night and this morning. It's not what you think and I don't think this event is linked to my feeling of loneliness though it very well may be. You be the judge. And judge you probably will. Rightfully so. The time was dog-centric. His dog. Allow me to disclose...

He called me yesterday morning to let me know that he was being evicted from his apartment unless he got rid of his dog by 5pm that day. He called me because at one point in time The Ex was willing to take him. The Ex still was. To make a long story short, I wound up meeting a woman that was keeping the dog for Jimmy last night while Jimmy coached a high school football game. I brought the dog, who I love to pieces, back to my place to keep and cuddle with for the night. Luckily, a coworker of mine who recently (sadly) put his 14-year-old dog down last week wanted to take the dog for him and his family. Fabulous set up for this dog who will bask in the attention he'll receive by being the families only dog.

So after Jimmy was finished with his game he came over to see the dog and hung out at my place for a bit. We didn't mess around. We talked. We laid on the sofa with the dog a bit. It's the oddest thing, but it's clear how content the dog is when Jimmy and I are together. When we hug, he's right in there with us. When we're sitting next to each other on the sofa, he's sure to have part of his furry body on me and the other part on Jimmy. I noticed this fact quite a while ago, but never said anything. Jimmy was actually the one to say it. Even the dog is smart enough to see what Jimmy doesn't.

I spent the night spooning with the great dane. Love him. This morning Jimmy and I drove to my coworker's place to drop off the dog. We hung out for a bit. I'm confident it's a good fit and couldn't be happier for all parties.

Though I found myself smiling while watching Jimmy interact with my coworker, a guy I've worked with for over 4 years who I love and respect like family. I wanted to lean on him or touch him while he talked with them. I wanted to be in a couple with him. I liked traveling with him. I liked being with him. I dreaded seeing our exit coming, knowing it meant our time together would be over and who knows when I'd see him again.

I think I'll always have a soft spot for him. I like him and I can't have him. I play it off while with him that I'm fine and moving on with my Ex. It's a lot less fabulous than I allow him to assume. At one point last night while we sat on opposite sides of the sofa with the dog between us he asked me if I'd missed him. I responded, "I missed Rocky." "Seriously," he said. "I missed you as much as you missed me," I said in a mocking tone. He looked down and said, "I think about you a lot." "Psh," is all I could muster. But that comment combined with that look shot right to my heart and pinched it. He jumped up and planted one little peck on my lips, then went back to his seat.

A minor setback

December 7, 2007

Maybe it's because of the holidays. Maybe it's because I'm getting closer to someone else. Maybe it's because all of a sudden I've realized how much we have been communicating. Maybe it's all of these things simultaneously working together to bring me to this place...this place I thought I'd left far behind me long, long ago. Maybe I’m just not over him the way that I thought I was.

Regardless, those old feelings have resurfaced. I feel melancholy. I feel the need to replay those “certain” songs on my iPod...over and over. Shamelessly. Allowing myself to take in all of the pain and just sit in it. Stew. As if I've gotten nowhere.

At one point, the beginning of “this,” I felt perfectly okay. Honestly, I felt 100%, utterly okay with him and with us as we were. I was so proud of myself. More like over-confident. I still stand by the fact that at that point I really was okay. But then what did I go and do? I got all cocky with my new found okay-ness. I was warned by those close to me to be careful and I just disregarded the warnings because "I was fine." I actually got annoyed with the comments. Psh. Who did I think I was? Saying to myself that no one can know how I feel better than me. I should have listened when they said, "don't make this a habit."

The truth is I was okay until all of a sudden, without the slightest warning, I wasn't. It hit me as it always did in the past...blindsided. There’s that familiar feeling. Classic. I got cocky with it. Every time he called I answered because I was fine. Why not? I was sooo over him. I felt okay so I went with it full force. Assuming that I'd always be okay. As if I were cured. As if there were no remnants of him in my heart. But the truth is that he's still there. He'll always be there. Who am I kidding?! Guess I should just face that; face that I can't be in steady contact with him. I can only handle a telephone conversation, perhaps a lunch every few months. He sure has a way of just pushing himself forcefully back in. I know what he's doing the whole time, I'm conscious of it, yet still, BAM...there he is…success for him. The ex 1,001: Me 0.

So here he is trying. Here he is calling and asking me to do so many things. Lunches, dinners, Raven’s games, fight nights…always with the extra tickets. Here he is caring about the things I wish he cared about a year ago. Here he is getting jealous. And I'm not naive as to why. I know what he's doing and I can't let him. He's trying to get back in for all the wrong reasons. Nothing about what he is doing sincere but that in no way means it will affect me any less then in an incredibly sincere way. I've let myself get in too deep. Now I just need him to stop. I need him to stay gone. I need him to back off and he's not going to...especially not now. The man can smell my vulnerability and he’s picked up my scent.

So now I have someone else to consider. This isn't John. I can't explain to this someone else what I'm feeling. I can't put it all out there like I could with John. I can't bother him with this nonsense. It’s supposed to be rooted in my past. I can't clutter what we are building. So I have to proceed without a speed bump…except I'm feeling distant. Here comes that feeling of wanting to push him away. Take back some of the closeness I've given up. Why do I let myself get carried away all the time? Then I can't get myself back without hurting someone. I really let this one take off. I thought I was so done and over with all of these feelings. Will I ever be?

They say that we belong forever to people who have hurt us badly, or been badly hurt by us. Will I always at some point in a relationship put men up against John and the ex and the closeness and openness that I had with the two of them? The one I hurt badly and the one who badly hurt me? It didn't used to be so hard for me to be close to someone. I'm so hesitant now. And when the process begins in the slightest, I begin mourning the ex all over again. I get into this funk that I can't pull myself out of. Of course it could be the holidays. It could be the frequent communication. It could be a lot of things. A lot of things other then what I’m resisting it to be.

The bottom line is where I’m at I do not want to be. And even worse, I have his physical presence added to the mix. Previously most of this nonsense was just in my head (as it still is), but I didn’t have him actually calling and being so forthcoming. Having to profusely turn him down. Telling me things like I’m hurting his feelings. Why the hell do I care if his feelings are hurt anyway? I should revel in that. Asking me to do things. I can only deal with so much. I’m naturally weak and vulnerable when it comes to him. I can feel the vulnerability making a come back. I hope he can’t sense it. I think I’m doing a pretty good job at keeping up the farce. What’s funny is he has decided to throw it all, along with his pride, out the window all for the cause. So not like him…or at least the him I thought I knew.

Maybe what it all boils down to is that he is, thus far, my first and only love. Of course nothing will compare to him at this point in my life. It is expected that there will be period of time where the transition of letting him go will be difficult. It is true that you may fall in love in an instant, but it takes much longer to fall out of love. It’s true what they say about first loves; they’re the hardest. You fall the hardest and when it doesn’t work out, they’re the hardest to forget…

"We must be willing to let go of the life we've planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."