Ex-factor

The problem with hanging out with an ex, no matter how long it's been since the end, and no matter how much you've convinced yourself that you're over it all and you're now a new shiny person who is capable of a friendship, the problem is, you're wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

If you loved the person at any point in time then that love does not disappear. The relationship ended, and it ended for a reason. Probably a good one. At some point those reasons, no matter how far you've pushed them out of your mind, will resurface. Those unanswered questions will come back up. The questions you'll never truly have an answer for, except you do. You admitted them to yourself long ago, but the presence, well the presence has you being naive again. That closure you created for yourself because he just wasn't worth the time. It'll open up again. Frayed ends. You'll find yourself going through the same old motions. You'll feel that pang of hurt. It'll flood back in as though you never spent all those years building a wall. Fresh cuts as if they were carved the day before. Ouch.

Always, with that person, it will be there. No matter how much you want to prove to them that you've changed. Two years later you're different now. With them, you're not. You'll morph into that sad person. They'll get the best of you. Again. Over and over. You'll never escape it until you escape them.

Mental prepration

At 10am this morning my mental preparation for the incredibly awkward position I will be putting myself in tomorrow began. Early, I know. I hadn't even had coffee. Already I was pacing the apartment. Finally, I was curled up on my sofa on the phone with my girlfriend unloading info. A pickle before noon on a Saturday, following a night that I didn't even go out. Unheard of for most, but not this girl.

The mental preparation is not complete. Let me explain.

Jimmy began calling me this morning at 9am. He called 2, 3 times. I was in bed. I knew him well enough to know that he wanted something. He calls for no other reason.

Let me stray from the topic for just a moment. I've finally realized that the only reason I've felt like I'm into Jimmy is because he doesn't seem into me. I blame my ego. I knew from the beginning he was all wrong for me and I still know this. I've simply been mystified as to why he stopped showering me with attention and chasing me. I've been consumed with trying to get him to figure out that he wants me again. It's the chase to get him to want to commit. If he did decide he wanted a commitment, I'd be willing to bet that I'd revert right back to being uninterested and pushing him away, as I did in May when he first came at me full force.

I'm happy to report that since this realization I've barely thought about him. Given, it's only been a day or two, but I rarely thought of him yesterday and never wondered if he'd call. When he did call at 10pm, I was surprised. I'd actually forgotten about him! I did answer though, he did ask me to come over, I declined. I told him I was tired. We got off of the phone. I'll admit, I did start to think about him after we got off the phone. Learning that he hadn't gone into work at his second job and had gone to play poker at his brother's just showed me that when he did have free time, he wasn't interested in spending it with me. He didn't even think to call me until he was on his way home. This still upsets me and bruises my ego, but I'm deciding to just get over that. He called me again a half hour later. We talked a little more. I'm not sure what his intention was. He didn't try to see me, we just talked. I probably shouldn't even answer his phone calls but I haven't gotten to that point yet. I'll get there. Baby steps. At this point I don't even plan on talking to him about it. I don't see the point and I'm not sure he'll even notice.

So back to this morning. He started calling me at 9am. Since this whole thing is now on my terms, I didn't give him a call back until I had woken up, washed my face, brushed my teeth, started the coffee, fed the boys, and taken the dog for a walk. Once I was ready, I called.

Jimmy: What are you doing? (yea, no hello, that's the first thing he said).
Me: Nothing.
Jimmy: I've been calling you all morning.
Me: You called me twice.
Jimmy: Well I'm taking (his dog) to the shelter this morning.
Me: What? No! Don't. Just wait a couple weeks. The Ex will take him if you just wait.
Jimmy: I can't wait, I can't do it anymore. I called 411, I got a place and I'm taking him.

We had a little more back and forth. Mostly me getting details. I'm not sure why he decided to call me all morning just to tell me he was doing it. Maybe he wanted to be talked out of it.

When we hung up I texted The Ex and told him the news. I texted him again. No response. I knew his crazy stripper ex girlfriend was staying with him to "take care of him" since he decided to go back to his own place, so I didn't want to call.

Another detour. Yea, he tells me Thursday that he's gonna give it a shot at home for the weekend and see how he does. His crazy stripper ex girlfriend is picking him up and taking him home that day. He says this like it's nothing, but I felt the pang. Her birthday is Sunday, he has to get her something. She wants to do something, blah blah blah. Why is he telling me all of this bullshit? I couldn't hold back any longer...

Me: Well, I'm glad I didn't stay with you like you were trying to get me to the other night since three days later you're with her.
The Ex: I wouldn't have her come get me if you had stayed. I'd probably asked you to.
(yeah right, it's still her birthday this weekend. He still clearly cares).
Me: Right.
The Ex: Besides, you'd probably be busy with Ken or Jimmy anyway.

Then I had flashes of how often I bitch and moan about Jimmy to him. How I was "out" with Ken the other night, and realized he's hearing stuff about me and other guys constantly. He's probably glad to have something to throw at me. Guess I can dish it but I can't take it.

So anyway, I couldn't take it anymore, this was about the dog so I called him. I told him. He actually said, let me talk to (my crazy stripper ex girlfriend). What, why her? Because, I need help. If she'll help me take care of him then I'll take the dog right now. Grrr...my insides were churning as I simultaneously thanked god that I didn't stay and "cuddle" with him that night this past week. What a fucker ya know? Ugh. Anyway. Focus. This is about the dog. He said he'd call me back in 1o.

I called Jimmy and told him to wait. Don't leave yet. I'm trying to talk The Ex into taking him now.

The Ex called back and said yes, he'd take him but not until tomorrow. He's having a big birthday cookout for his cousin at his house today and there will be just too many people there. If he could wait until tomorrow, he'd take him. She'd agreed to help. Ew. I don't want her crazy stripper hands all over that sweet, sweet puppy. Anger and jealousy was boiling inside of me. I did my best to ignore it because more than anything I didn't want the dog to wind up at the pound or worse, put to sleep. But wait, how are we going to do this odd transaction? Oy.

So I called Jimmy and told him. I could hear the relief in his voice. He didn't want to take the dog to the pound. He agreed to wait until tomorrow. I told him, you're going to have to come with me to take the dog.

Jimmy: What, why?
Me: Because, his crazy stripper ex girlfriend is staying with him now, taking care of him, and the only way he can take the dog right now is because she agreed to help since he's basically crippled. She's going to be there. She doesn't like that we talk. This has to be between you and The Ex not me and The Ex.
Jimmy: You've been there before?! I don't want to talk to him!
Me: Yea, well not when she's there, and why not?
Jimmy: I don't know him. I don't want to.
Me: Well, you have to. I'll go with you but you need to come.
Jimmy: Fine.

So, tomorrow, Jimmy and I are going to drive down to MY OLD house that I shared with The Ex and deliver Jimmy's dog to The Ex and his crazy stripper ex girlfriend. I've never seen her in person. I've never seen him with another girl. I've never seen another girl in MY OLD house. I was with The Ex this past Sunday, he's been trying to get back with me, I was with him this past Monday, he tried to get me to stay the night with him. Now he's playing house with her.

I have no idea how this situation is going to affect me but I don't think it is going to be in a positive way. Jimmy is my armor. Although we're not a couple, it will look like we are. I'm going there with someone. God knows I could never and I mean never go by myself. I hate to say it, but I may rather have the dog go to the pound then deliver the dog by myself. Selfish, maybe but I value my heart.

I'm not an overly religious person, but I do believe that things happen for a reason and I believe this is happening for a reason. I'm being put into this position, a position that will provide me with a picture that I'll more than likely never be able to forget. I will not be able to ignore the fact that he moved another girl into "our" house less than a month after I moved out. I'm going to see it first hand. No one should ever have to see what I'm going to see tomorrow, but I need to. It'll be something that will be a barricade that will never allow me to give The Ex a second chance. Something I know I should never do anyway.

This will be my last outing with Jimmy. Once this is over I'll be moving on.

Off track

In the beginning of the month I mentioned the drawing of a line. I mentioned being fed up with the guys that were in my life. I was ready for something real, I was letting them know, and then I was letting them go. Movin' on and movin' up.

Yet here I am once again perplexed and somewhat annoyed with these two guys.

Jimmy is obviously still around because he said he wanted a chance at something real. I always give a second chance. Especially when I'm the one who caused the damage that ended the first chance anyway. And I really like him and that's reason enough. But let me be real with myself, I've had my doubts about that boy since day one. I've doubted his sincerity and his intentions.

Ken? No excuses. He should have long since been shipped off to the land of the lost boys because I'm just not that into him.

Chalk it up to the fact that I'm frustrated with Jimmy and I, but when Ken called yesterday to see how I had been and asked if I'd meet him for a drink, I said yes. We agreed to meet at 8pm at a place between us both. Oh, why the hell not. Well, apparently, good reason.

He had wanted to meet at 8:30, I felt that was late so he suggested 7:30. He called me as he was leaving the gym around 5:30, I was leaving work. He said he'd try not to be late. I got a hunch that he had things to do. I told him we could do it another time if he couldn't make it that early, I just didn't want to make it a late night. He insisted that he wanted to see me that night so he'd make it work.

He texted me every hour after that to "see how I was making out." Is this some kinda progress report? I joked, since he's a teacher. But seriously, how are we on time? How are you making out? At 6pm, then 7pm, I mean, come on bud. Anxious much?

Sure enough The Ex's radar went off and he called while I was getting ready. I told him what I was doing. He didn't like it, I could tell. He told me to be careful and not to do anything stupid. As if I was in some sort of danger.

I hadn't heard from Jimmy all day so I called him en route in an attempt to avoid receiving a phone call while I was with Ken that I would have to ignore. He didn't answer. Oy vey.

I then shot a text over to Ken to let him know I was on my way. Basically, I hate waiting, plan accordingly. I got to our meeting place at about ten minutes to eight, and called Ken. No answer. I waited. At five after eight I got a text, "On my way." Are you kidding me? He lives at least 20 minutes away. WTF. I'm not even that into this guy, could care less that I hadn't talked to him in a week, and now here I am sitting in a parking lot waiting for his ass. I could've been home curled up in bed with the boys finishing my book that's getting seriously good. I texted him back, "Jeez, guess you really meant 8:30, huh." At 8:20 he called.

Ken: You're gonna kill me
Me: Oh god, why.
Ken: I was fighting with my brother so I left late, then I ran outta gas and had to push my car to the gas station. I think I left my wallet at the gym, (this guy is the most forgetful person I've ever met, seriously. He does this shit all the time). I put $4 in my tank.
Me: Where are you now?
Ken: 695 (which I knew meant he just got on the road to meet me).

I immediately started my car and started backing out of the parking spot. Eff this.

Me: Well, let's just do this another time. All signs are pointing to the fact that that's the best idea. (I barely am interested. You forgot your wallet, i.e. you have no money. I'm not picking up the tab, bub).
Ken: But you're already there. I'm on my way. I really want to see you.
Me: We can do it another time. (Psh, maybe).
Ken: I'm so sorry. I'm so mad at myself. You're mad aren't you? I'd be mad. Ugh, grr, blah.
Me: It's cool, another time.
Ken: Well come to my place!
Me: Nah, not tonight.
Ken: Why not?
Me: Because I'm already on my way home.
Ken: I could come to yours!
Me: Nah, another time. Meeting for a drink to catch up would've been okay but I'm not trying to hang out late or anything. Maybe another time. (Stress maybe).

He tried to linger on the phone. I wasn't up for small talk. I told him I had to go, and I drove home. Pissed.

The reality hit me that Jimmy hadn't even called me back. I felt so alone. I wanted to cry but couldn't. I wanted to drive around and listen to sappy music and smoke cigarettes but I had no cigarettes and didn't want to waste my gas. So I just drove home. Pissed. Mostly at myself.

I took off my freshly applied makeup, replaced my changed outfit for sweats, got a glass of water, and headed to my bed to read while America's Funniest Videos played in the background. I gave the boys lots of lovin' because they never let me down.

The Ex sent me a text:

The Ex: If you're not home you should be thinking about wrapping it up soon, tomorrow is gonna come quick. Be careful and don't do anything dumb. xoxox
Me: Thanks, Dad.

I didn't want to let him know that the plans fell through. It would've given him too much satisfaction.

The Ex: Anytime, when are you going home?
Me: Soon.
The Ex: How soon?
Me: Soon, goof! What's with all the questions, writing a book?
The Ex: Maybe, where are you at?
The Ex: How long are you going to be there?

Okay, this was getting ridiculous. I'm not sending a good message if I respond to every one of his texts while I'm supposed to be out with another guy. Plus, I started thinking that he was probably sending me all of these texts full of nonsense just to have me reaching for my phone continuously, therefore, annoying the shit out of Ken. (Which it would've had I been out with him).

Me: Now you're just being a brat. I see what you're doing slick.
The Ex: I miss you, can't you tell? What am I doing?
The Ex: I'll leave you alone. Have fun, be careful. I was just thinking about you. xoxoxoxoxox

I couldn't fight it any longer so I called Jimmy again. He didn't answer. But this time, he called me right back. He's been studying so much he said. The EMT test at the academy is kicking his ass. He hates test, books, studying. He's nervous he's not going to pass. All he's been doing is studying. I could hear in his voice how exhausted he was. The sound was familiar. "You miss me?" he said.

Me: I do, and I think you may have been right long ago when you said you didn't think you had the time to be talking to someone. (I hadn't planned on bringing this up at this time but it just came out).
Jimmy: Whatever, I'll talk to you later.
Me: What do you mean you'll talk to me later? No.
Jimmy: You say it like there's somebody else!
Me: How in the world did I say it like there's somebody else?? (Seriously, where in the world did that come from)?
Jimmy: That's not fair, you know I've been trying so hard at the academy, it's been so hard and I'm so tired.

I cut him off

Me: I know, I know, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. I'm just saying, I know you're busy and tired and maybe you just don't have the time. It's okay.
Jimmy: Let me study some more and I'll call you back in a little bit.

I thought for sure he wouldn't call me back but an hour later he did. We just talked. He told me about his tests. He told me how hard it all was for him. I told him about work and my friends. I didn't bring up the other subject again. I thought we'd just talk for a bit, and we did.

After we got off the phone I couldn't stop thinking about our short conversation on the subject I've spent almost a week thinking about. What did his reaction mean? Did he call back just to talk because he was trying to show me he wanted to make an effort to make time? Is he just worried I'm going to see someone else so he's stringing me along? I texted him. "Good night, I do miss you...just not sure you have the time to be talking to someone. If that's the case you can tell me, I'll understand. No hard feelings..." I'm sure he was sleeping by then so no response.

After I got out of the shower this morning I grabbed my phone to turn on the internet radio I like to listen to while I get ready for work and saw that I had three missed calls. Hmm, odd. They were all Jimmy. Yay! He saw my text and wanted to talk! He had left a voice mail, so I listened.
Negative. Nothing about the text. Apparently he had a bad morning with his dog that he's been thinking about giving away now that he just doesn't have the time for him.

Can you believe The Ex wants to take the dog? It could just be one of his sneaky ways to get close. Who can decipher the inner workings of The Ex's brain, not I. Jimmy was 100% against giving the dog to The Ex. He looked at me like I had five heads when I brought it up. Guess he's desperate. So he was calling because he wanted me to find out of my ex was serious about taking the dog because he just has had enough. Text him and let him know because he's going into class. Hmph.

Timing is golden

The Ex is making another official attempt to get back together. He never actually stopped trying, he just stopped being vocal about it. He alternates back and forth between inserting himself into my life to remain present, asking me to do things we'd only do if we were a couple, telling me straight up how he feels, and lying back and giving me space. I know he's been trying even when it seems he's not for quite a while. I know he had no idea how to approach me in the beginning of it all. I know because he told me, and I know because I know him.

In my opinion, two recent developments have driven this particular vocalization:

1. He broke his ankle. He is a 6'2" 220lb. baby. Surgery was yesterday. He's staying at his mom's who is taking care of him. He wants me to take care of him. Not gonna happen, bud.

2. I told him about Jimmy and the possible move in. I told him of the first serious attempt we're making. Mainly because it's the reason I used for not being able to take care of him, but also because I wanted him to know. He's terrified. I don't have to tell him how I've got it bad for that kid, he knows me and he can tell. I can tell he's worried.

So, with these two factors coming into play The Ex is coming at me full force. It started Monday, but last night for once in his adult life he actually put into words, in clear sentences without any, "ya knows" how he feels. He came out and asked if we could give it another try.

I finally took the time and effort to explain to him that each time I contemplate letting him back in slightly, he reminds me of how he used to be. I let him know how the Valentine's Day debacle upset me. I let him know how last Sunday when I didn't hear from him, he let me down. I let him know that because he is no longer my boyfriend I don't have to deal with that sorta thing and I'm just not going to. Period. He said he was disappointed in himself as well and that he is going to make the change. That he loves me so much still and has never stopped. I'm his best friend. He sees him and I getting married and having babies. He knows it's going to happen. It has to happen. Hmm...

I haven't given him an inch. I told him how I'm not sure I could ever trust him again nor do I know if I even have the desire to try. I told him how when we broke up, I dealt with the hurt and the pain by myself and got over it by myself. No closure supplied by him. I haven't forgiven him and as long as we are friendly on the surface, I do not hold it against him. I can deal. Taking down the wall and letting him in again though? Not sure that's possible without drudging up the unfinished business. Not sure I even want to try.

Of course he still sees me as the person he wants to marry and have children with, I didn't hurt him. I didn't betray him and let him down. I just left. I decided I wanted and deserved more and I was never going to get it from him. So I let go. I moved on. Right?

However, despite knowing all of this, hearing him say the things he says does send my mind reeling, (obviously or I wouldn't be writing about it today). I can't say his words do not affect me. There is definitely still a part of me that wants to believe in him. I do believe he wants the things he says he does, what I don't believe is he will put the effort it requires into getting any of it.

The bottom line is I have no desire to give him/us another shot right now. I have feelings for Jimmy and I'm exploring that first. I need to. I want to. Sorry bud, but you've put yourself on the back burner and you're not getting bumped up simply because you've successfully expressed emotion. He asked if after Jimmy, could we give it another shot. I still feel like I don't know, which is what I told him. Time and time again I put a glimmer of faith into him. Time and time again he proves he did not deserve it. It's going to stop. He'd have to seriously prove himself. So to sum it up, I'm not thinking about giving him another chance right now, at all.

"When it comes to men that are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do."
-Randy Paush

Smart man.

New layers

March 22, 2008

It seems letting everything, (and by everything I mean everyone), go was just what I needed in order to allow myself to realize what it was I really wanted; a feeling I’ve been waiting impatiently to make an appearance for the past two years. The realization did not take long. Well, let me clarify. From the moment I decided to "let it all go," it did not take long for me to realize what I wanted. In turn, when thinking in terms of after the wake of the break up with The Ex, the revelation took significantly long. But that's to be expected, right?

Anyway, with this said revelation I’ve discovered the answers to many of the questions that have been plaguing me. I understand much of what had been going on in my head these past months and have decided that although thus far 2008, (in it’s few short months), has been a year of trials and tribulations, it will also be one of clarity and action.

Although I hate to do it I attribute some of the clarity to Alan. I think he came into my life to smack me awake and make me realize what I’ve been doing to men and my relationships with them. Something no friend or family member had the ability to do. He helped me realize that the feelings of hesitation and fear I had been feeling were not natural and not me. Not the me I usually was. I kept resting on the fact that I had simply changed and this was the new me, the new bitter, cynical, terrified me. I don't want to be that. Yes, I'm changed by the hurt I experienced but not that much. He could see the me I used to be and he wanted it. It was not for him and him not for me, but he made me see how cynical I was being because of my past experience and he made me see that it wasn’t something that should remain permanent. He put me on the road to getting over it and seriously moving on, just not with him. I specifically remember him telling me that you don't just get over the hurt once, you get over it every day. Until the pain is less and you get over it weekly, monthly. It's just not a one time deal. It's something that stays with you.

But it had to be Alan, John could never have had the capacity to see what was going on right in front of his face. He could never have begun to understand why I was acting the way I was but Alan could. And not only could he see it, he put it in my face and I needed that. This was his purpose and he served it. I needed to move on from him and I did. I let him go. I let Brandon go. Letting go sounds so elementary but to me it has always been a big thing. It has always been something that is difficult for me to do. The Valentine’s Day debacle of 2008 (as it will be forever be remembered), put the idea of reigniting anything with The Ex to rest before it was ever able to hurt me. And thank God for the divine intervention that put that silly idea to a swift halt. A true blessing in disguise and The Ex is done (yet again).

With all that on the shelf and me left with me, I was able to think about me and allow myself to develop the space for someone new. It wasn’t something I did it just happened. That realization was a shocker and of course it made me look right to John. Luckily, he came to me before I ever had to go to him…

One text from John, which turned into an entire text-message conversation, made me realize that I was ready, but more importantly, I was ready to be with him. It just hit me while driving as revelations often do, that I was ready. That I missed him and he missed me so what the hell had we been doing. All the “ick” feelings of being in a relationship dissolved just like that. All of a sudden I knew what I wanted and thank God for that feeling. Now it was just a matter of whether or not he would forgive me, believe me, and take me back after all I'd put him through. And he did. He didn’t waste a second coming to talk to me about it and it was just that simple. As it should be I guess. We actually managed to make up, lay out exactly what we both wanted, and arrange seeing each other all via text messaging…up until he showed up at my door, picked me up, and kissed me.

I realize now that all those insecure issues I had when it came to John existed because I was nowhere near ready for a relationship, not one in the magnitude of what he wanted. I was foolish to think I could be in a relationship. Looking back I can see that. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if there’s one thing I’ve successfully learned this year it’s that hindsight is most definitely 20/20. I hated it then because this is the type of person I typically am and want to be. I wanted to be that way then. I wanted to WANT to be with him but I couldn’t make myself. I needed the time to go by.

So here we are one month later together. Together and I couldn’t be happier. Everything seems to have fallen into place for the moment. Crazy how it has happened. I just hope it lasts. We’re talking about moving in together when my lease is up…in just four months…we’ll see how it goes. I haven’t told my parents anything about it, but I’m 27 years old, I can make my own decisions.

And that’s just what I decided to do this time around with John. I decided not to care about what anyone would think or say, not to be concerned with it in the least. I know that John is far from perfect and I know he has his issues. He’s a little rough around the edges. But God he makes me happy. I love the way I feel when I’m around him and I’ve loved that feeling since I was 16. When I sit and think about it I get nervous assuming that this may be it. That him and I may just work out for the long run. I’m just sick and tired of games and dating. I’m ready to just settle down and be with someone, for real with someone.

Guess this is as good a segway as any to go ahead and state that here we are a month later and I’m having doubts about his sincerity/commitment/honesty. Typical doubts? Maybe. We all begin to doubt (or so I’d like to think we all do), once the commitment is stated and final. After the initial honeymoon period when you don’t give a shit about anything but being together 24/7, eff the “are we spending too much time together” thoughts, cheesing at each other, talking on the phone until ungodly hours, and having sex two, three times a night and a couple in the morning too, of course. Getting up for breakfast and then getting back into bed. Ah, love it. Yea, after the excitement of all that dies down there seems to be the classic “power struggle.” Who has more power? Who wears the pants? Who’s running things? Ugh, hate that…especially when I start to feel like it’s not me, which I inevitably do when I really like someone and decide I don’t’ want to play that game. If I don’t like them that much I’m happy to strut around in the pants. So I guess it’s possibly that the doubts I’m having are normal fears present at the beginning of any relationship. But in my case, I’d like to think that after The Ex I’m pretty intuitive when it comes to recognizing the red flags of insincerity and I’m afraid I’m starting to see them coming from him. Any other time, having not experienced what I have, I would’ve kept going on blind and happy only to be hit with the actual disappointment much later once it’s impossible to ignore. Since this is not my first rodeo I see subtle changes, the power shift, him strutting around in the pants, and I don’t like it. I’m terrified. Of course voicing the fear only sends me ten steps further down the power stairs…so that’s outta the question.

The extremely frustrating part of all of this is how badly John has wanted to be with me for the past two years. How I’ve worn the pants loyally and faithfully that entire time. Now that I want to be for real and be with him, what he’s said he has wanted more than anything, he’s switching up on me, (possibly).

So I’m fearful that this is the classic “thrill of the chase” scenario gone badly. He wanted me when he thought he couldn’t have me. So of course he wanted me REALLY badly. The fact that he couldn’t have me made him want me all that much more, you know the drill. Well, now that he has me…eh, it’s ok. I hate that. It builds up a certain expectation that is not lived up to.

THEN comes the possibility that I could just still be afraid because of my last experience. I’m so terrified that The Ex is going to happen all over again that I think it is. I think he’s going to do what The Ex did. How do I know if I’ve learned from a past experience so I’m smarter this time and can spot the red flags before they hurt me, or if I’m making the next guy pay for The Exes mistakes?

Let me just refer back to a previous entry from this past January, 2 months ago, when I was just beginning to feel the early stages of “readiness,” only while with the wrong guy….

“Because the truth about me is that though I am cautious, guarded, and hesitant; once I decide to let that go I am incredibly serious and loyal. And whelp, I am certainly that way with every guy because rarely does a guy make the cut. I take pride in preserving that part of myself. My worry, (among many), is that guys go along saying things without anything serious attached to the words, nothing emotionally backing it up. But after holding out I decide to give in only to find that while I’m feeling something real they have what they tried so hard for which they no longer want it. They were consumed in the chase, the mystery of me. And didn’t realize that once they broke my walls down all that is left is me.

Maybe it’s because I’m such a mystery and so hard to read that they guys just want to crack my code.

Either way, I have yet to open up. I still have myself in tact. He’s knocking on that wall (sometimes kicking it). I can see myself taking it down; I feel it coming. I feel that I am falling for him. I feel that I’m about to throw all caution to the wind. The cynicism that has recently taken up residence within me this past year is subsiding. The softhearted, trusting romantic is beginning to return and she just doesn’t want to get burned again. Not after the last wild fire that took so long to put out.

Crazy how I just woke up one day and everything had changed. I have to say, I am grateful for the change. I missed the romantic part of myself.

So now I just have some ghosts from the past to work through. I’ll do that. I will.

I just feel like I’m ready. Where love, couples, and all things mushy took a back seat in my mind and world for so long, I’m finally open to the idea of it—with him.”

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

-Sex and the City

I go back and forth between feeling like I’m overacting and being stupid, to feeling like I need to do something before it’s too late and I wind up back in the same situation I previously was in. I just can’t stand this feeling and I don’t know what to do about it. This is precisely why I sometimes feel as though it’s better to be alone, because at least I don’t have to deal with these feelings of disappointment and possible paranoia. I decide how I feel all the time and it’s usually pretty good. I dictate my mood at all times and no one else has a say. When I’m not in a relationship all I have are people in my life who want me in one with them. I mean, the past two weekends we’ve already gone without seeing each other on two separate nights (last weekend Fri this weekend Sat), and he hasn’t cared. This being the same guy who got upset when I didn't want to see him during the week as well as on the weekends. This being the same guy who specifically asked me in the beginning of all of this if we could see each other during the week and I said, yes, of course we can. And we did for a minute there, but now we don’t. And not only do we not see each other during the week, we actually go weekend nights without seeing each other and he is OK with it! WTF? Tell me that is not a change…please. Seriously.

I am a strong believer in sex being the barometer of a relationship and last night when at his house, he had me do ALL the work both times that we did it. Given, I’m ok with taking the reigns once in a while. But again, I know John. John likes to do his thing and make me feel good. He didn’t seem concerned in putting it on me at all last night. As if he doesn’t need to anymore. Ugh.

I guess I just thought that I wouldn’t have to go through this stuff with him. He put everything out there all the time and I thought we were going to avoid playing these games. I thought we were being up front and for real to each other, that we were going to be on the same team all the time. I should’ve known that men and women could never be that way all the time no matter what they may say. And I should definitely know better than to think that John is going to go through with something that he says he will.

Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe all of this is nothing. But this going noted. I am documenting the fact that I feel this way when I did and I’m not going to forget it. I am going into this with my eyes open and my head clear. I am not going to allow things to cloud over like I did in the past. I am going to use what I learned that’s for damn sure. In addition, what I’m regretfully going to do is start playing the game, the power tug of war. I am going to make myself not incredibly available, make him work for it. I was prepared to throw all of that out of the window, but John hasn’t done this before. He might not be tired of it the way that I am. I guess I can’t blame him for strutting in the pants considering he had been skirting it with me for quite some time. So fine, he has had his moment. But if we’re gonna do this, and someone is going to wear the pants, well then it’s going to be me damn it. Cause shit, I’m good at the game.

I tell ya, hindsight may definitely be 20/20 and I’m a regular Dr. Phil after the fact in deciphering why I felt the way I felt and did what I did…but sometimes I’d give anything to know while in the moment. Anything.