August 17, 2008

Adult crushing like whoa

June 30, 2008

I like this guy a ridiculous amount. It’s excessive really. There is no explanation I can make sense of. I can’t tell you what it IS that I like about him that isn’t mostly physical. I find myself saying things to him that I would never say to any other guy. Doing things and allowing things to be done that I would never allow! Putting myself out there.

Last night was pure torture. You would think that it would be more awkward and annoying for him to see me with another guy…kissing, hugging, touching. But no, I was the one feeling awkward and almost miserable. Constantly looking around for where he was. It was embarrassing! Why do I care so much? I wanted to know where he was at all times, then I wanted him to see me with Ken in order to make him jealous and I’m not even sure that it worked. I was the one to call him today, and yes, he said he was pissed at me because of how I was acting but I can’t even tell if its true or if he’s just playing games. I feel like he is always playing games. He says I am playing games. Am I? I want him to be serious but one second he acts like he cares and the next he acts like he doesn’t give a shit. The worst part is that all night I could not get his face out of my head. I kept seeing him. Him everywhere. In bed with Ken I was seeing him. Having sex with Ken, I was seeing him. And Ken is good! There is no reason I should be thinking of Jimmy. He undresses me slowly, pays attention to all that he should and wow, it was all I could stand to stop myself from coming while he went down on me just because I wanted to come while we had sex…which I did. And I have come every time. He is so good so why the fuck and I picturing Jimmy's face? I thought about that kid so much that I dreamt about him while sleeping next to Ken. I dreamt that he told me that he loved me and I remember the exact feeling I felt when he said it. It was a feeling of relief. Like, shew, he loves me, good. What the fuck is that. I mean really? I am not in love with this kid that is absolutely preposterous. I am infatuated with him, adult-crushing on him. It’s lethal. I seriously want it to go away! I hope the three-month itch applies to crushes/infatuations because if that’s the case I should be done with all of the shenanigans after next month. Here’s hoping.

As long as he keeps me wanting more and continues to hold back I’m willing to bet the three-month itch will elude me. Ah well, time to listen to thought-provoking R&B slow jams on the iPod while I pack for the beach. Damn it all to muthafuckin’ hell.

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