August 18, 2008

The line has been drawn


August 3, 2008

I give him so much while he gives the bare minimum. He really makes no effort at all yet I fall to his feet. I never act this way. Never have I acted that way, even in my immature youth when I should’ve been and most girls were. They all wised up and here I am making up for lost time. I’ve always had guys respect me and want more from me than sex. I always made them work for the sex and even if I gave it up early, they always came back for more. I would’ve never given it up early if I didn’t know that they respected me and wanted more than to get laid. Yet here I am at 27 allowing a 23 year old to take advantage of me and use me for sex, basically. I need to stop avoiding what is clearly going on. It makes me so angry. I want to yell at him. I want to scream at him. I want to tell him how great of a girl I am and how much I have going for me, but it wouldn’t matter. He doesn’t care. He calls me when he has something to tell me but doesn’t care about me or what’s may be going on with me. Never has he shown an interest my life. He is completely and entirely self-serving. Why is that okay? He is working me and I’m allowing him to, telling myself that I’m just letting it happen because I’m single and its not hurting anyone. What I realize is that it is hurting someone because it’s hurting me. I am not and never will be the girl who is okay with casual sex unless I am the party that feels casual about it. I have to at least know that the guy wants more from me. This shit eats me up and pisses me off. How dare he. And what the fuck am I doing taking what I can get from this boy. Acting as if he’s god’s gift and has a lot to offer me. He has nothing to offer me, because he’s not offering anything. I think it began as an ego thing and it’s been a game to me in the fact that he hasn’t been hooked and I’ve wanted to get him hooked. I want the tables to turn to my favor again. It’s a power/control thing that I’m used to, and want to always have. I’ve been trying to get it back. I’ve been trying to win. I’m hurting myself in the process and allowing myself to feel used. Its not worth “winning.” I just wanted to prove to myself that if I turned this around and he was trying and hooked on me again, that it wouldn’t have just been sex. He would’ve wanted more. Yes, he’s attractive but he’s no the best looking guy in the world. Yes, he’s funny but he’s also exhausting. Yes, he has a lot going for him but he’s in no way shown that he wants to share any of that with me. Nor do I want to share any of mine with him. The times that its just him and I and there’s nothing to say, either on the phone or together, it’s awkward. You’ve humored yourself saying that it is a crush and foolish, that you’re making up for the lost time of inappropriate dating in your 20s, those are excuses, face it, this is not you. Let it go.

Stop. You have nothing to prove to that boy, or to yourself. You know your worth even if he doesn’t. You never allowed a man to treat you this way in the past, so why start now? The more that you play into this game in an attempt to feel as though you’ve won, the further you go down in the battle and the worse you will then feel in the end. It’s not worth it. It is not about him. It happened. Learn from it and move on. So what if it happened now and so what if it was him and you’re mad. Would it have been better if it were an older guy? Would it have been easier if it had happened when you were younger? You were out of the dating pool for years. You were out of it when this sort of thing should have been occurring. Of course you’re na├»ve to its signs. You were in relationships from 17-25. You recognize what it is so stop ignoring it. You are an attractive, smart, college-educated woman with her own career that allows her to stand on her own two feet and take care of herself all by herself. You are not dependent on anyone. You are so much better than this, and what he is doing so stop giving yourself away for free. Stop feeling bad about the lack of attention and minor effort that he makes. You can’t change it and you can’t change him, all you can do is decide what you will and will not accept. Be real with yourself for one second, do you really want to change him? Do you really, and I mean really, want to be with him like that? It is time to stop being accepting of it. It’s time to demand more or nothing at all. You are too damn good for this shit!

I’m not saying I can’t talk to him. I can talk to him. But I will not be allowing the behavior anymore. I’m bringing the real me back because for some reason she has been being suppressed for him with no good reason to speak of. Done and done with all of that nonsense, and not done as in its time to start playing the game done, (where its not really done its simply another route in an attempt to get the best of him), just done period. Seriously.

On another note, I’m not sure if its just because I’ve been off for the past week and spent a lot of time with myself, but I feel like I’m missing the closeness of a relationship. I understand that it could be because of the stay-cation, but I also recognize that I haven’t felt this longing in quite a while. Its not for a specific person, in fact, its for a person that I don’t currently know. That’s what I want, someone I don’t know who doesn’t know me who doesn’t know who I know. Maybe I feel that way because it seems less attainable, i.e. can remain an unrequited longing that I can simply rest on rather than something I can make a reality because I know I could if I wanted to. Ken, The Ex, John. Yea, I could have a relationship if I wanted one, with one of them. I don’t want one with one of them, but I feel like I want one. I miss the closeness, the cuddling and watching movies in bed, breakfast on Sundays followed by more cuddling in bed. I want that. I’m ready for that. I’m not going to go looking for that or start it up with someone who I clearly have already discovered I don’t want it with, but if it happens I’m open to it.

In the meantime, I’m going to continue to work at work and work at the gym. I need to cut any physical relationship with guys that don’t meet the criteria I want (Jimmy). Do I tell him I want more? Probably not, he’ll assume I want it with him when I’m pretty sure I don’t. If he was different and wanted it, I might, but that’s all hypothetical.

The odd thing is that I have found myself thinking about John while I’ve been off this week. This is the first time since the incident two months ago that I’ve found myself thinking about him and missing him. Maybe it’s because I want what him and I had, but with someone else. I miss what him and I had. I found myself charging my old cell phone just so I could go through it and see all the sweet text messages that he used to send me. I’m thankful to still have had them because they helped with the Jimmy realization. John really loved me. John, at one point, was really very sweet to me. It warmed my heart to read the things he had written to me. I feel bad for blowing so much of it off. I feel bad for being bothered by it all. It was all too much for me. I can’t help my feelings about it but I do feel bad for them. He put all of his pride aside to try to get me back and love me. All he really wanted was to love me and for me to love him back. I am not disregarding his short comings and I’m not thinking of being with him (ever) again, I’m just, for the first time in over two months, remembering that there was more than negative things attached to him. Reminds me why I put up with all the bullshit for so many years. There is a good side buried there. I’m grateful that those messages helped me to realize my worth.

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