Halle-freakin'-lujah

Maybe I’m the last one on God's green Earth to figure this out, but I don’t care because I just did. I’ve finally discovered how to hide people from your news feed on Facebook and I'm thanking the almighty Lord for this discovery of bountiful proportions.

Finally, no more infestations on my homepage of The Ex and his new girlfriend at a wedding or on a lovely trip. I’ve officially hidden all the people who could do this to me, including his sisters.

Yes, I understand I could just not accept their friendship but these people are/were mutual friends of ours. I’m too nice to reject people.

So alas, our friendship is intact yet I never have to see what you do, what you post, what you say.

Hallelujah.

*This discovery occurred after yet another, facebook attack today. Different friend, different event, same feeling of sickness in my stomach and anger everywhere else. God, I need to get over this anger.

Escapism

I deleted my myspace account the VERY second I saw my ex's new girlfriend (who he denied he was even interested in as he made feeble attempts to get back with me), posted a picture of them two on her page. Her page wasn't private and I know myself. Me, being the emotional masochist that I am, would check back for new, updated, cute pictures of the happy couple and make myself feel like shit. This was back in November. I did not even think twice. Delete account. Delete. Confirm, delete. Myspace makes it so freaking hard to delete your account it's ridiculous. You need a secret code AND handshake before they'll let you out the door. Well this girl followed through.

I kept my facebook account because I had different circles of friends on there and those I was worried would possibly allow me to catch a glimpse of something I wouldn't want to see, weren't on there. Until now. God knows you can't eat a sandwich while logged in without facebook alerting every friend you have.

Now, everyone and their great uncle are joining facebook and I'm not liking it. I'm getting worried. It was just now, today, that on my lovely 3-year stretch of ex-free, unblemished homepage was broken when a new friend of mine, a new joiner of facebook, posted a collection of pictures that included The Ex's latest trip to Vegas with the girlfriend. Now going on 5 months. Of course I looked. More than once. God fucking damnit. I don't want to delete my facebook account, but I'm thinking I may have to. If I want to live a semi-normal life. I thought about just deleting those specific friends, or not accepting their friendship when they requested. But I just couldn't, even though I knew what doors it would force open.

I'd say, how do guys get over things so quickly? Except it's been 3 years this July since we broke up. I'm just a fucking ridiculous retard.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't been pining for him daily for the past 3 years. But God, I'm not taking trips with guys and this is his second girlfriend since me that he's been this serious with. I'm pathetic. This is not news.

In other, totally unrelated news, if you have yet to check out futureme.org, you should do it. It's a very cool site where you can write an email to yourself that will be sent to you in the future. I did this, apparently exactly one year ago today because I got an email from past me today. Past me made present me cry. I highly recommend giving it a shot and then forgetting that you did. Check out mine.

Subject line: Eternally Hopeful.

Dear FutureMe,

Hey girl. So I hope this email finds you well...also, I hope you completely forgot that you wrote it and it catches you by total and utter surprise.

I guess what I'm feeling for you right now is a lot of hope. I know that I, present day you, am the one who needs to make the moves in order for you (future you), to have accomplished all that I hope for you, so I just hope that I freaking do it! Before I get carried away, let me be more specific about what exactly I'm hopeful for.

I am hopeful for you. And just you. Not anyone in your life, but you. I hope you stopped coasting and are doing something that is challenging you. I hope you're happy doing it, but more so, I hope you're learning, advancing in your career. I hope you've scratched some more things off of that list of things to do by the time you're 30 cause girl, you're seriously close now! I hope that whatever is going on with Josh has been figured out, be it good or bad, and you've either moved forward together or moved on. I don't care if you're single or not. You're fabulous either way and it does not matter. I'm sure that if you are single that you're happy that way. If you're not single, I hope you've learned how to keep yourself in tact while being a part of a couple. It's rough for you, I know that. Just don't forget how important you and what you want are. I hope you've gotten over some of the hurt and betrayal that's been sticking with you the past couple years and trusting isn't so difficult for you.

I hope Otis is happy and doing well! He loves you, you are his world, you know? I hope you're happy with you're living situation! I would love it if you'd bought a house but understand if you haven't yet. You've done some great things in regard to housekeeping your finances but you're not ideal just yet. I hope you've been able to keep saving though! I hope the Cruiser is still running well for you :) I hope you've tried some new things and hopefully been able to take a vacation. At least one. I hope you have realized that you are blessed and you are pretty....I can't say beautiful, but you are definitely pretty. I hope you've been able to see yourself that way.

Wow, so I realize that's a lot to expect! I just want the best for you. I hope I haven't let you down. All in all I want happiness for you. I hope your days of hurting are over and you won't have to experience that again. Good luck girly!!!

xoxoxo, love you,
Past Me

Weekend pleasantries

I mentioned once before that I've recently found fun in the un-fun and today is no different. Despite the dreary weather, I've been having a lovely Saturday and plan to have an even better Saturday night...maybe even get into a little trouble. I'm just sayin'...

I went to get my nails done today. It's been so long since I've done that. I get that the economy is in the crapper and now is the time I should be cutting out this type of frivolous spending but that $30 has made me feel fabulous. I'm a nail-biter and try as I might, I can't get these stubs to grow before they're attacked. It wasn't until Thursday at work when a co-worker told me he was surprised I didn't have long nails; that I look like the type that would have longer nails. My other co-worker (and friend so it's okay) chimed in with, "Yea, not mechanic hands." Well that sealed the deal. Time to visit the salon. It's the end of winter, hands are dry, cuticles disgusting, it was warranted.

I then went to the grocery store and stocked up on lots of healthy, fresh foods. Salmon filets, fruits, veggies, and the yummy avocado you see pictured (aka my addiction).

So despite the rain I'm going to take the pup for a walk before putting in a load of laundry, drinking some tea, and then scanning my closet for tonight's outfit. I have two new tops that have yet to be worn out so it shouldn't be tough. Tonight the plan is simply to go out with a girlfriend, maybe two or three. I'm feeling good about it.

Netflix movie of the week is Secret Life of Bees so I plan on spending my Sunday relaxing and watching that.

All of the above may sound incredibly lame and boring but they bring this girl pure bliss. It's the little things.

p.s. I'm consciously choosing to not mention the negative things that continue to try to jump into the forefront of my brain while I continue to push them to the back:

-I would have love to do/have done all of the above things with someone. I am slightly lonely and ready for a plus one.

-Yesterday was The Ex's sister's wedding. I wasn't there. She was (and I'm not referring to his sister). The reception was right across the street from where I live.

-I'm pretty sure the adult crush has got to be moving out this weekend. He said he needed to be out by the 31st (Tues). I haven't heard from him and refuse to call him but can't stop thinking about the fact that this could be it.

p.p.s (I never know if it's supposed to be p.p.s or p.s.s) I did not and will not be calling the fireman to "explain" myself. I thought about it. There's nothing I hate more than someone having an incorrect view regarding me. Although I'm not interested in him, I did not however say that he didn't try hard enough. Everyone around us (his friends and mine) go on record having said that and for some reason it was put into my mouth. Insert bad guy. Moi. But, I decided that letting it go would serve me much better. For one, the more I think about it the more pissed I am that he thinks I actually owe him an explanation, and two, calling him and discussing it would force me to have to be honest, therefore only fanning the he-said she-said fire. Subject closed.

Falling in love.

Have I got your attention? I thought so.

Well, I'm a dirty little trickster.

Lately, I've noticed that I'm happy with my small, quiet, singular life. My routine, my dog, grocery shopping, decorating, reading. Making lists, setting goals, planning. All very boring I know. I go out, don't get me wrong but I gotta admit, I don't have nearly as much fun as I used to out in the bar scene. I guess that's expected.

But regardless, I've been finding fun in the un-fun. I've been attempting to make plans for myself. I've noticed lately that I feel happy doing the mundane but could not figure out why. I mean come on, these things are not exciting. Then, it hit me. I'm falling in love. I'm falling in love with myself; with who I am, who I’m trying to be and the life I'm creating for myself. I've got big plans for myself.

At the same time, I'm ready to share my life with someone. I'm ready for someone to join my routine. I want to come home to someone, cook for someone and have someone cook for me once in a while. I want to run and bike on the trail I've discovered with someone. I want to share all of what makes me happy by myself, with someone. In the past I wanted to be with someone as a distraction. A void needing to be filled. I think that's why they always turned into feeling like an obligation rather than something I enjoyed. I finally feel like I am content with my life, by my boring self, and I want someone to join my plan. And shit, help it out a bit. I don't want to do it alone forever. But even if they don't, I'm happy going at it alone.

All of this takes a lot for me to admit and put down in black and white. I've always wanted to be strong and act as if I am perfectly fine alone, always, in case that is what's in store for me.

Since The Ex, which I realized today is going on 4 years now (I realized I've been saying 2 years for the past 2 years), I've been broken. I've really tried to belittle the heartbreak he caused. How he broke more than just my heart but my spirit. I still think of him daily. I don't know if I'll ever have again what I had with him or if I'll ever love that way again, but I know that I want to. I want it. I want it all over again with someone who won't hurt me. I hope it's out there for me.

I'm no longer afraid of sounding pathetic and hopeless by saying these things. I no longer feel the need to have an attitude that says, I don't need a man. Because the truth is, I don't need a man. I'm happy without one. I'm already in love. But I'd like one.

A Divine 2009

I'm optimistic about this new year of 2009. Possibly this is simply because I am a relentlessly optimistic person by nature. Regardless, I am.

I am optimistic despite the fact that I've never felt more alone in my life. Alone in my social life, specifically, both sexes. Girlfriends, boyfriends; there's no discrimination.

I'm sure it goes without saying that I am in fact, single. My best friend and her long-time, fabulous boyfriend just got engaged on New Year's Eve. I am SO happy for them. Seriously. They're one of those amazing couples that compliment each other perfectly and have a wonderful, strong relationship. They're that couple you hang out with but never, not for one second, feel like a third wheel. Awesome in every sense. (Teensy bit depressed for little old me). Not showing it. Promise. The majority of my other friends, even my best guy friend most recently, are coupled up. I'm through with casual encounters. This feels good, but at times, baaaad. Painful even. The Ex is gone and gone for good this time. Restraining order boy is also done and done. Jimmy and I are friends, but strictly friends. Like I said, no casual encounters. New boy? Done.

So yep, that leaves me all by my lonesome. I stay in a lot lately. And I mean a lot. I stay in alone a lot. A lot. Except I go to the gym. Oh, an Target.

So why am I optimistic you ask? Well, there is no negativity in my life. There is no poison. The bad people are gone. The new people I choose to let into my life will be positive and I plan on being sure of that. As many of us do around this time, I feel as though I have a clean slate. The skeletons have been yanked, pulled, and drug out, (more times than necessary), and have been laid to a final rest. I've exhausted all opportunities that lie in my past. There are no unanswered questions left to explore in '09.

I've had my heart broken. But it's over. I've been betrayed, disappointed, let down. I plan to live smarter in the coming year. I rang in 2009 with new friends. Yes, it was awkward to get all dressed up in a cocktail dress, drive to the city, park, and walk to a house I'd never been, to a party that housed only one person I knew well and one other I'd met only once before, completely alone. Yes, it was odd. But I had a fabulous time. Everyone was so incredibly fun and friendly. (I realize alcohol was involved, but still). I accepted an invitation that I'm sure I would not have this same time last year.

They say the way you spend your New Year's Eve celebration is a reflection of how you will spend that new coming year, and I'd like to believe that I will spend 2009 stepping outside of my comfort zone, meeting new positive people, therefore allowing myself and my experiences to change. From new things comes change, and I've been stuck in a holding pattern expecting to find something new in the old. I stumbled upon a yearly horoscope for "the year ahead: 2009" and found this:

"Ditch your ideas about the way things ‘should’ be, because these will only stand in your way. It’s time to let go and experiment. Sometimes control isn’t possible."

And that's just what I plan to do. Call it my, I don't know, New Year's Resolution? Original, I know.

Happy New Year, all. Cheers.

Tell me you love me...

Are these five words grouped together some sort of new phenomenon among men? Is saying this to girls all the rage? Or perhaps, is it just the guys that I entertain?

As The Ex said these words to me this weekend before we got off the phone, "Tell me you love me" I realized that was it. It's final. Every guy is saying these words to me. Granted, I was with The Ex for 5+ years and said those words to him more times than I could count with incredible feeling behind it. But he had never said those words to me. "Tell me you love me."

When Jimmy first said it me I was in a compromising position. A position where it would be considered bad form to start rattling off questions and insecurities regarding those words. After a slight stumble, I just went with it. Eff it. He knew it wasn't true. Come on. Throughout our dating time he continued to say that to me while on the phone, together, whatever. I chalked it up to his age and immaturity. Even Ken said that to me at one point. Hinting around the "L" word.

Guy friends of mine say it to me all the time. I flat out tell my guy friends that I love them. I have one guy friend who says I love you every time we hang up. I'm okay with it.

But "Tell me you love me" from guys I've been or are involved with seems to be a pattern. Is this normal? Aren't guys typically supposed to be the ones who avoid that word like the plague? Has anyone else noticed this odd phenomenon or is it really just me?

Regardless, I don't like it. I don't like being told to express a feeling and I'm too nice to say no. After a couple stalling, "What? No! You're an idiot! Why's" I give in and say it. And it always sounds awful coming out of my mouth. I hear myself and cringe. Then they say, I love you too. Or Jimmy's priceless, "No you don't, you liar!" Well, duh. I fought sayin' the three little words tooth and nail before only saying them because you told me to. If you want the truth then wait for me to give it up willingly.

Ex-factor

The problem with hanging out with an ex, no matter how long it's been since the end, and no matter how much you've convinced yourself that you're over it all and you're now a new shiny person who is capable of a friendship, the problem is, you're wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

If you loved the person at any point in time then that love does not disappear. The relationship ended, and it ended for a reason. Probably a good one. At some point those reasons, no matter how far you've pushed them out of your mind, will resurface. Those unanswered questions will come back up. The questions you'll never truly have an answer for, except you do. You admitted them to yourself long ago, but the presence, well the presence has you being naive again. That closure you created for yourself because he just wasn't worth the time. It'll open up again. Frayed ends. You'll find yourself going through the same old motions. You'll feel that pang of hurt. It'll flood back in as though you never spent all those years building a wall. Fresh cuts as if they were carved the day before. Ouch.

Always, with that person, it will be there. No matter how much you want to prove to them that you've changed. Two years later you're different now. With them, you're not. You'll morph into that sad person. They'll get the best of you. Again. Over and over. You'll never escape it until you escape them.

Weekend recap

In the name of all things random I'm offering up a complete recap of my not so eventful weekend. I'm at that spot on the roller coaster of life that you may call a down point. Or maybe just a steady, even point is more accurate. No screaming or clutching for dear life going on where I'm currently at. Regardless of what quirky name it is given, I'm feeling like simply lying back, relaxing, and doing a whole lotta nada with my very own self. I get that way from time to time. I'm pretty sure if I paid close enough attention I could get it down to a science, as in, the reassurance of this feeling about every say, 36 days or something. Then I could say thing like, oh, don't think I'm gonna want to go to dinner that night, my "me time" is due to start. Kinda like my period, another thing I've never bothered to pay enough attention to find out if it's regular. It's regular in that I get it every month...how many days in between? You got me.

So Friday, even though a nice guy who I have yet to go out with asked me out for drinks at a place nearby, I declined. No better plans, no reason, just not in the mood. Going home sounded better. And that's just what I did. I went home and hung out with my boys. Dating hiatus: full effect. I chatted with my best friend Melis. I watched some shows On Demand. I swapped the clothes and shoes in my closets. I have two walk in closets (ahh) and one of them is easier to get to than the other (due to the opening and closing of my bedroom door). For this reason I keep the current season's clothing in the more accessible closet and switch them each season. It's also an excuse for me to see what I'm working with each season and discard anything I haven't worn. I chilled and enjoyed the new crisp fall weather.

On Saturday I headed to a family party with The Ex (his family). It was a good time. Great to see everyone, especially his little niece who is not so little these days. Going on 8, she clung to me for a lot of the evening saying things like, "I never want to stop hugging you!" When I left she clutched my waist and pleaded, "Am I going to see you again??" I'm sure you will, Em, is all I could say.

Funny anecdote: For years, I'd say at least 5 if not more, The Exe's sisters and I have participated in this strange thing just between us four, where at each fam event we pass this old beat up green matchbox truck between us by dropping it in each other's purses lined up somewhere in the house. Whoever has it slips it into someone else's purse at some time throughout the night and you never know you have it until you get home. It's an unspoken thing we've just always done. I'm not even sure how it started. Well, when I got home Saturday night, the green matchbox truck was in my purse. Almost brought a tear to my eye. Then I was immediately worried because, when am I going to see them again? I can't lose this thing! And why did they give it to me?! Oy vey. I totally got the message though.

The Ex and I didn't hang out late night. He dropped me off and went out. I acted as if I was going to go out, but I stayed in. He wanted to go out together but I sensed that he really didn't even though he kept asking and saying he did. I felt like I kinda gave him the easy way out and declined. I'm just not sure about him sometimes. Things seem to be getting slightly awkward between us.

The night was fun but left me feeling sad. His family have all changed so much. All in positive ways. Having babies, gotten married, engaged to be married, buying houses. Growing up. making plans. And here I am, going backward. I'm happy for them, I am. I'm envious. Why didn't all of those things happen for him and I? Every single sibling of his has progressed forward. What's wrong with him? His oldest sister who loves to speak her mind gave me a serious rundown on his stripper ex-girlfriend. They all hate her. Good to know. But it just made it all the more real. He brought her and her kids around his family. She replaced me. Here I am now, two years later. Paranoid in bringing a guy home. Practically allergic to interacting with another guy and members of my family. He's had a whole other serious relationship since me. One where he cohabitated and shared his world. Ugh. Another reason I was happy to go home to my apartment and be by myself.

Sunday I headed to James's to watch the football game. The Ex came too. Jimmy called me while I was there. I ran outside to talk to him while The Ex came out and was being obnoxiously loud (sorta like Jimmy does when I'm on the phone). Then he got pissed and locked me outside. Idiot. They went out after the game but I headed up to my parent's place to go to dinner to celebrate my Mom's birthday. All in all, the weekend left me feeling sort of sad and the feeling seems to be sticking with me. I'm just not sure I'm happy with the direction my life is going. I'm trying to not be worried about it and simply concentrate on myself. But it's hard. Ah, well.

P.S. I realize this "weekend recap" is being posted as the next weekend is here, i.e. late. I drafted this post and never got around to finishing it, but wanted to. So here it is. My bad. (Nobody really reads this ish but me anyway!)

La dee da dee da

I'm covering my ears and singing to block out the sounds of judging. No judgment, (please)?

Guess I'll start with the portion of my tale that's the most judge worthy. Jump right into the meat of it. Let me just first start out by saying, (well second since first I'd like to ask you kindly not to judge), that I am happy with my decisions (for the most part) and do not feel dreadful. Funny how looking at something with a different attitude, a new perspective, can change the entire outcome.

Ahem...

I hung out with Jimmy last night and yes we hooked up. Yes, after I said I was done, finished, finito exactly one week ago today. (Insert judgment here).

I have to say that rather than feeling dreadful today I feel liberated. I'm officially and proudly over the crush. I no longer want anything from him nor do I feel disappointed or dissed by him. I have to assume I got over the crush after deciding not to talk to him and not to care anymore. It worked. I don't know how we humans do it, (I assume it happens for us all), but I love how I can will a feeling into eventual reality. Sometimes it takes longer than other times, but ultimately I reach the emotional state of being I've set out for.

It all began when I ran into him while I was walking my dog after work. He was throwing the football with his roommate. He immediately got that ear-to-ear, adorably childish grin on his face when he saw me, yelled my name and then ran up to me. I was on my cell phone with James trying to persuade him to come up to my neck of the woods to watch some Monday night football. Of course Jimmy proceeded to act like the child he is and yell loudly (so as to be sure the person on the other end of the line would hear him), to get off of the phone, who am I talking to, and is it a guy?? He even grabbed the phone at one point and talked to James for a bit. Oy. Thank goodness it wasn't The Ex.

I hadn't seen him in over 2 weeks. Feelings: nada besides simply sheer physical attraction and the fact that he was playing football, hot. Oh, and the realization that we were wearing the same exact jersey. Presh. Still, all in all good.

He called me a couple times after the walk. I talked to him for a bit. Nothing big. It's funny how he seems to think I cease to exist when he hasn't seen me for a while and then once he does see me he is immediately shocked and consumed with my existence and can't get enough. As if he honestly forgot about me.

I went to watch Monday night football with James and The Ex. The plan was to just go with James, but once The Ex got wind that James and I were going together he insisted on tagging along. James was literally walking out the door when The Ex called him on his way home from work and insisted on coming along. James had to wait for him to shower, change, the whole deal. I don't mind that he comes but it changes the dynamic a wee bit. He still just doesn't seem comfortable with the two of us hanging out alone. Oh well. Such is life.

While I was out I got a few texts from Jimmy asking if we could hang out. Begging really. Outwardly begging. I knew what it was all about. The old feelings of "I shouldn't" were present, but something new was also. I wanted to. And I wanted to not for the same reasons that I used to want to. I wanted to because I felt totally in control. I'm not that pansy, what if this, what if that girl anymore when it comes to him. Yes, I still find him attractive (I didn't have a lobotomy), but I'm not searching for more than satisfying that physical attraction. I'm single. He's single. Part of me did want to show off my new improved self.

The Ex dropped me off (this is sorta why I say I don't feel badly "for the most part." It's The Exes involvement in the scenario, which there is more of that I will get to later on). So The Ex dropped me off and after a quick freshen up I went to see Jimmy. During the freshen up The Ex called (I think to see if I'd answer...curious as to whether I'd be involved in a late-night visit). He wanted to say good night and let me know he was almost home. Nice.

Shortly after hanging up with The Ex I headed for Jimmy's. Hanging out with him was fun. We talked, we laughed, etc. ETC. Lets just call it as it is, ya know? I had fun joking around with him and being the girl that is in control instead of the girl that wanted more. I talked to him about The Ex and he offered advice. He threw in the appropriate jealous annoyed comments, but also said I can't hold back and should just give him a chance. I didn't want to spend the night because, duh, I'll sleep better in my own bed and a girls' gotta work in the morning! HE seemed to be the girl that wanted more and I was eating it up. Isn't that how human nature works? We want what we can't have. As soon as we have it we don't want it anymore, but take it away, and by god we wanted that! Oh the tables, how they turn and there's nothing I like more than when they are a turnin' in my favor.

The truth is, it felt like we were friends and I like that feeling so much better than the previous feelings of the Jimmy and I saga. What this was, was the ultimate summer fling. Inappropriate, hot, and utterly convenient, lasting from May until September. Who could ask for more? And that's just it, no one should have ever asked for more. Yet that's just what I did; went ahead and killed it with the illusion of wanting more. Let me be straight with myself and say that I knew from the beginning I didn't want anything serious with him. I just got a little side-tracked. I blame the sex haze, which then caused my ego to be bruised and then I might as well have been Alice falling down the hole to Wonderland constantly seeking my ego to be repaired by him. Stepping back from him and alleviating the idea (or more like coming to my senses) that it couldn't and shouldn't be something more, allowed me to see it for how it is, how it was, and of course, how it should be. (Shout out to Salt 'N' Pepa for that one, didja catch it)?

Bottom line is there's a reason I crushed on him on the first place and it's because without all the pressure he is a funny, adorable, entertaining guy and definitely someone I can be friends with. Potential boyfriend material? Not so much. No news there. So I'm back and I'm walking on solid ground. Last night felt like closure and there's nothing this girl likes more than closure followed by some redemption, and topped with friendship so my relationships do not feel trashy and pointless. Make no mistake, no judgment coming from this direction for those relationships that don't.

Funny though, in a sort of sad way he asked if that would be the last time we would be together like that. I told him I didn't know, duh. And he asked that I let him know if I'm getting back with The Ex so we can be together one more time. He wants to know when it's going to be the last time. I'm not sure how to take that, but I feel like it's a little bit sort of, maybe in the realm of sweet. He told me he's probably moving. I'm thinking that will bring a close to our final chapter. We see each other now mostly in passing, coincidences and if it's planned then it's last minute and I only agree because of how close he really is. This is a shame considering I feel like I've just now discovered how to enjoy him in a new way, a way I could probably enjoy worry free indefinitely.

As a joke, because he gave me such a hard time for not calling or answering his calls after our last escapade, I sent him a text this afternoon that simply said, "So I'm texting you so you can't say you didn't hear from me the next day like you said last time ;)" He immediately called me. I mean a second later. So quickly that I thought possibly it was an incredible coincidence, but no, he had received the text and was calling. Calling because he wanted to know why I cared considering I had admitted last night that "it was just sex." I told him I had been kidding last night (though I wasn't), and he went on to tell me to stop lying and just be for real with him. He seemed serious so I settled with, how about we don't label it. He liked that. We chatted a bit. Nonsense really. I ended the convo so as to avoid wanting more. Perfect, and I still feel wonderful about the entire situation. It's obvious by my blogs that I was consumed with analyzing that situation and I'm happy to finally put it to rest.

So moving on to why I feel content with last night's decision but only, "for the most part." The part I don't feel good about is the proximity of its' timing to certain other events. Once again I'm going to ask for the ceasing of judgment at this point.

Ahem...

(I'm gonna ease into this one)

So I mentioned that I've been spending a bit of time with The Ex and by what I've said already I think it's clear that this little tidbit remains true. On Saturday I allowed him to come up to my parent's place with me for their end of summer shindig, as friends. I made it clear to all that we are just friends. What did my mother do when she saw him? Cried. Yup, she freakin' cried. She would not stop hugging him and was actually crying real tears. Get it together, Mom! Jeez, we're playing it cool and she was totally not helping. It was only a matter of time before my Dad had him out in the garage and they were discussing tools and work. I barely saw him the entire time we were there. They really had missed him, it was evident in how they talked his ear off all night.

We got back to my place around 11ish and I let him spend the night because the spending of the night was because of sheer exhaustion and not in the hopes of getting busy. He was so exhausted that he literally fell asleep on my couch mere minutes after our arrival. When I was ready I woke him and let him know I was going into bed and he could stay or join. Of course he joined. There was cuddling, but no funny business. Whelp, not until morning. Yea I went ahead and complicated the situation by having sex with The Ex. Damn it.

So if you're thinking backward in your head, doing the elementary math required, you'll see that Sunday morning I slept with The Ex, and Monday night I slept with Jimmy. Yup, call me what I am, a hoe. (Insert MORE judgment here).

Top that with I hung out with The Ex Monday night beforehand and allowed him to buy me dinner and drinks and then upon his dropping me off I skirted over to my new boy toy's and wow, there is no argument involved with the idea that I am a freakin' hoe.

And let me just back up a second. Actions that are starting to make me nervous when it comes to The Ex which I have no doubt stem from the complicating of things: while I'm on my cell phone Monday night, clearly texting, he tries to look over my shoulder and see who I'm texting/what I'm texting. This went on the entire night. At one point he literally stole my phone from me and proceeded to text back my friend Ryan with "Ur a fag." Thank god it had been Ryan I was texting back at the ime and not Jimmy. After he texted that he definitely tried to look through it more as I chased him around the pool table. I have no doubt that Jimmy was who he was looking for. That is the target he was most certainly wanted to hit. Times like that I am so thankful for my Palm Centro Smartphone that is so deliciously complicated that no one knows how to operate it. It wasn't the first time a guy's snooping had been blocked simply because he couldn't figure out how to work it. When I finally got my phone back and yelled at him then went outside with James, he rolled his eyes at me. I could tell he was annoyed that I cared that he had taken my phone. He wanted me to not give a shit about any other guys and any drama he may cause between us. Sorry but, you're not there. Throughout the night he continued to try to sneak my phone out of my purse. Calling me shortly after he dropped me off also worries me. He disguised it as saying good night, but I know he was checking on me. He didn't ask anything, but he didn't have to.

I justify my actions by thinking of it as security. Maybe the blow that will occur after The Ex effs up will be less of a tremor if I'm having a little fun on the side. If I have my own secrets, it won't be so hard to deal with the possibility that some of his may eventually come out should there be any. And by gosh, that boy hurt me badly. He owes me. What goes around comes around. (Got anymore cliches that work in my benefit)?

Technically, I'm single and not doing anything wrong. Immediately after the act I warned The Ex that I had wanted to avoid doing that because it complicates things. Okay, maybe it was a statement at the time but it turned into a warning when I went ahead and complicated them. He brushed my warning off by saying that this is us we're talking about, things won't get complicated. Problem is, the me that was involved in the us he's referring to no longer exists. He just hasn't realized that yet.

Who knows? Not I.

I don't even know where to start so I'm just going to start.

Ken and I got together as "friends" last week. Drinks and appetizers after work. Long story short, the conclusion is that we cannot be just friends. Too many times he told me he misses me (even though I was sitting directly across from him). Too many times he talked about us; what went wrong, what he wishes, oh how sad. We did have a good time together as we always have had. Drinking margaritas and martinis and laughing. Things are just easy and comfortable between us. It's the oddest thing. I am incapable of being seriously into him even though he is seriously into me, yet I find him ridiculously attractive. When I'm around him I like him but as soon as he leaves my vision I have forgotten him. Be it that I'm afraid or just not that into him, I have no idea. One of the worlds' many unsolved mysteries. There are certainly more important ones, so moving on.

The night ended with us kissing, yet another sign that we will not be "just friends." I'm too attracted to him not to allow him to kiss me. I can see us going out on a weekend night and my allowing him to have sex with me. In no way am I in need of a fuck buddy.

This week I received texts from him saying he can't stop thinking about me and he misses the fun we had. Feeling not mutual. Damn it, sometimes I wish it were.

So here's the doozy, I've been spending a bit of time with The Ex. Yup, The Ex. Friday night he actually opened up to me and by opening up I mean in the largest way. He tore down the wall and poured out everything inside. I don't know where it came from or why. It was incredibly random. We were out for a bit and the second we got into the car the flood gates opened. I dated him for five years. I've been with him through the loss of loved ones, parent's surgeries and scares, and never have I seen him cry. We've been broken up for two years and never tears. Something happened to him and the tears just wouldn't stop. It is indescribable even now to say what it felt like to see this person I've known for 7 years, lived with, known inside and out, act in a way I never had before. His tears made me cry so we proceeded to cry together like a couple of fools. I offered no words. But told him it was okay as he apologized profusely for everything that ever happened. He kept telling me that it wasn't okay and to stop saying it was.

I've been quite when it comes to voicing my feelings and/or opinions to him about him, us and the future possible potential for an us. He wants to get back together. I'm the love of his life. He's asked that I just think about it, so I guess I am. I went to a football game with him on Sunday and we had a blast as well. No funny business, no talking of us unless it comes from him. My wall is still firmly in place and will remain that way for a while I assume. I'm not sure what I'm doing. I guess I'm just allowing time to be the ultimate decision maker. If he's going to fuck up then it will only take time.

People tell me I should just give him another chance, if I love him it's worth it, I can't hold back, blah, blah, blah. I can't listen to that psycho babble. This is my heart we're talking about and I'm not ready to put it back on the table for him to possibly crush again. This is dangerous waters we're dealing with. I know what it felt like to be broken by him. I know how long it took me to breathe normally and not feel socially retarded in public. No one else can know that but me. I don't feel like I'm the one who needs to do anything. So I'm not. Period.

Jimmy has been calling quite a bit; because I'm showing no interest of course. He called and bitched me out for coming over there, sleeping with him, leaving when I said I'd stay, and then not talking to him after, "as if sex is all it was to me." I explained that I was just following his lead. He so confuses me. He says I play games and he's afraid to seriously date me because he is afraid I will hurt him. I think that sounds like an excuse. Still, I think of him. I haven't seen him since that last night and I don't plan to, but I can't deny that I think of him. I even miss him.

For now, it's Friday and almost the weekend. Plans for tonight are simply walking to a little happy hour at a bar my guy friend Ryan works at with a couple friends from work. James is meeting us over there. I'll probably only stay for an hour or two so I can get home to my boys. I've been holding onto a Netflix movie for far too long, Smart People, so I plan on viewing that while lying in bed. Tomorrow my parents are having a little end of summer shindig. And Sunday, whelp, who knows!

Have a fab weekend friends!

Mental prepration

At 10am this morning my mental preparation for the incredibly awkward position I will be putting myself in tomorrow began. Early, I know. I hadn't even had coffee. Already I was pacing the apartment. Finally, I was curled up on my sofa on the phone with my girlfriend unloading info. A pickle before noon on a Saturday, following a night that I didn't even go out. Unheard of for most, but not this girl.

The mental preparation is not complete. Let me explain.

Jimmy began calling me this morning at 9am. He called 2, 3 times. I was in bed. I knew him well enough to know that he wanted something. He calls for no other reason.

Let me stray from the topic for just a moment. I've finally realized that the only reason I've felt like I'm into Jimmy is because he doesn't seem into me. I blame my ego. I knew from the beginning he was all wrong for me and I still know this. I've simply been mystified as to why he stopped showering me with attention and chasing me. I've been consumed with trying to get him to figure out that he wants me again. It's the chase to get him to want to commit. If he did decide he wanted a commitment, I'd be willing to bet that I'd revert right back to being uninterested and pushing him away, as I did in May when he first came at me full force.

I'm happy to report that since this realization I've barely thought about him. Given, it's only been a day or two, but I rarely thought of him yesterday and never wondered if he'd call. When he did call at 10pm, I was surprised. I'd actually forgotten about him! I did answer though, he did ask me to come over, I declined. I told him I was tired. We got off of the phone. I'll admit, I did start to think about him after we got off the phone. Learning that he hadn't gone into work at his second job and had gone to play poker at his brother's just showed me that when he did have free time, he wasn't interested in spending it with me. He didn't even think to call me until he was on his way home. This still upsets me and bruises my ego, but I'm deciding to just get over that. He called me again a half hour later. We talked a little more. I'm not sure what his intention was. He didn't try to see me, we just talked. I probably shouldn't even answer his phone calls but I haven't gotten to that point yet. I'll get there. Baby steps. At this point I don't even plan on talking to him about it. I don't see the point and I'm not sure he'll even notice.

So back to this morning. He started calling me at 9am. Since this whole thing is now on my terms, I didn't give him a call back until I had woken up, washed my face, brushed my teeth, started the coffee, fed the boys, and taken the dog for a walk. Once I was ready, I called.

Jimmy: What are you doing? (yea, no hello, that's the first thing he said).
Me: Nothing.
Jimmy: I've been calling you all morning.
Me: You called me twice.
Jimmy: Well I'm taking (his dog) to the shelter this morning.
Me: What? No! Don't. Just wait a couple weeks. The Ex will take him if you just wait.
Jimmy: I can't wait, I can't do it anymore. I called 411, I got a place and I'm taking him.

We had a little more back and forth. Mostly me getting details. I'm not sure why he decided to call me all morning just to tell me he was doing it. Maybe he wanted to be talked out of it.

When we hung up I texted The Ex and told him the news. I texted him again. No response. I knew his crazy stripper ex girlfriend was staying with him to "take care of him" since he decided to go back to his own place, so I didn't want to call.

Another detour. Yea, he tells me Thursday that he's gonna give it a shot at home for the weekend and see how he does. His crazy stripper ex girlfriend is picking him up and taking him home that day. He says this like it's nothing, but I felt the pang. Her birthday is Sunday, he has to get her something. She wants to do something, blah blah blah. Why is he telling me all of this bullshit? I couldn't hold back any longer...

Me: Well, I'm glad I didn't stay with you like you were trying to get me to the other night since three days later you're with her.
The Ex: I wouldn't have her come get me if you had stayed. I'd probably asked you to.
(yeah right, it's still her birthday this weekend. He still clearly cares).
Me: Right.
The Ex: Besides, you'd probably be busy with Ken or Jimmy anyway.

Then I had flashes of how often I bitch and moan about Jimmy to him. How I was "out" with Ken the other night, and realized he's hearing stuff about me and other guys constantly. He's probably glad to have something to throw at me. Guess I can dish it but I can't take it.

So anyway, I couldn't take it anymore, this was about the dog so I called him. I told him. He actually said, let me talk to (my crazy stripper ex girlfriend). What, why her? Because, I need help. If she'll help me take care of him then I'll take the dog right now. Grrr...my insides were churning as I simultaneously thanked god that I didn't stay and "cuddle" with him that night this past week. What a fucker ya know? Ugh. Anyway. Focus. This is about the dog. He said he'd call me back in 1o.

I called Jimmy and told him to wait. Don't leave yet. I'm trying to talk The Ex into taking him now.

The Ex called back and said yes, he'd take him but not until tomorrow. He's having a big birthday cookout for his cousin at his house today and there will be just too many people there. If he could wait until tomorrow, he'd take him. She'd agreed to help. Ew. I don't want her crazy stripper hands all over that sweet, sweet puppy. Anger and jealousy was boiling inside of me. I did my best to ignore it because more than anything I didn't want the dog to wind up at the pound or worse, put to sleep. But wait, how are we going to do this odd transaction? Oy.

So I called Jimmy and told him. I could hear the relief in his voice. He didn't want to take the dog to the pound. He agreed to wait until tomorrow. I told him, you're going to have to come with me to take the dog.

Jimmy: What, why?
Me: Because, his crazy stripper ex girlfriend is staying with him now, taking care of him, and the only way he can take the dog right now is because she agreed to help since he's basically crippled. She's going to be there. She doesn't like that we talk. This has to be between you and The Ex not me and The Ex.
Jimmy: You've been there before?! I don't want to talk to him!
Me: Yea, well not when she's there, and why not?
Jimmy: I don't know him. I don't want to.
Me: Well, you have to. I'll go with you but you need to come.
Jimmy: Fine.

So, tomorrow, Jimmy and I are going to drive down to MY OLD house that I shared with The Ex and deliver Jimmy's dog to The Ex and his crazy stripper ex girlfriend. I've never seen her in person. I've never seen him with another girl. I've never seen another girl in MY OLD house. I was with The Ex this past Sunday, he's been trying to get back with me, I was with him this past Monday, he tried to get me to stay the night with him. Now he's playing house with her.

I have no idea how this situation is going to affect me but I don't think it is going to be in a positive way. Jimmy is my armor. Although we're not a couple, it will look like we are. I'm going there with someone. God knows I could never and I mean never go by myself. I hate to say it, but I may rather have the dog go to the pound then deliver the dog by myself. Selfish, maybe but I value my heart.

I'm not an overly religious person, but I do believe that things happen for a reason and I believe this is happening for a reason. I'm being put into this position, a position that will provide me with a picture that I'll more than likely never be able to forget. I will not be able to ignore the fact that he moved another girl into "our" house less than a month after I moved out. I'm going to see it first hand. No one should ever have to see what I'm going to see tomorrow, but I need to. It'll be something that will be a barricade that will never allow me to give The Ex a second chance. Something I know I should never do anyway.

This will be my last outing with Jimmy. Once this is over I'll be moving on.

Off track

In the beginning of the month I mentioned the drawing of a line. I mentioned being fed up with the guys that were in my life. I was ready for something real, I was letting them know, and then I was letting them go. Movin' on and movin' up.

Yet here I am once again perplexed and somewhat annoyed with these two guys.

Jimmy is obviously still around because he said he wanted a chance at something real. I always give a second chance. Especially when I'm the one who caused the damage that ended the first chance anyway. And I really like him and that's reason enough. But let me be real with myself, I've had my doubts about that boy since day one. I've doubted his sincerity and his intentions.

Ken? No excuses. He should have long since been shipped off to the land of the lost boys because I'm just not that into him.

Chalk it up to the fact that I'm frustrated with Jimmy and I, but when Ken called yesterday to see how I had been and asked if I'd meet him for a drink, I said yes. We agreed to meet at 8pm at a place between us both. Oh, why the hell not. Well, apparently, good reason.

He had wanted to meet at 8:30, I felt that was late so he suggested 7:30. He called me as he was leaving the gym around 5:30, I was leaving work. He said he'd try not to be late. I got a hunch that he had things to do. I told him we could do it another time if he couldn't make it that early, I just didn't want to make it a late night. He insisted that he wanted to see me that night so he'd make it work.

He texted me every hour after that to "see how I was making out." Is this some kinda progress report? I joked, since he's a teacher. But seriously, how are we on time? How are you making out? At 6pm, then 7pm, I mean, come on bud. Anxious much?

Sure enough The Ex's radar went off and he called while I was getting ready. I told him what I was doing. He didn't like it, I could tell. He told me to be careful and not to do anything stupid. As if I was in some sort of danger.

I hadn't heard from Jimmy all day so I called him en route in an attempt to avoid receiving a phone call while I was with Ken that I would have to ignore. He didn't answer. Oy vey.

I then shot a text over to Ken to let him know I was on my way. Basically, I hate waiting, plan accordingly. I got to our meeting place at about ten minutes to eight, and called Ken. No answer. I waited. At five after eight I got a text, "On my way." Are you kidding me? He lives at least 20 minutes away. WTF. I'm not even that into this guy, could care less that I hadn't talked to him in a week, and now here I am sitting in a parking lot waiting for his ass. I could've been home curled up in bed with the boys finishing my book that's getting seriously good. I texted him back, "Jeez, guess you really meant 8:30, huh." At 8:20 he called.

Ken: You're gonna kill me
Me: Oh god, why.
Ken: I was fighting with my brother so I left late, then I ran outta gas and had to push my car to the gas station. I think I left my wallet at the gym, (this guy is the most forgetful person I've ever met, seriously. He does this shit all the time). I put $4 in my tank.
Me: Where are you now?
Ken: 695 (which I knew meant he just got on the road to meet me).

I immediately started my car and started backing out of the parking spot. Eff this.

Me: Well, let's just do this another time. All signs are pointing to the fact that that's the best idea. (I barely am interested. You forgot your wallet, i.e. you have no money. I'm not picking up the tab, bub).
Ken: But you're already there. I'm on my way. I really want to see you.
Me: We can do it another time. (Psh, maybe).
Ken: I'm so sorry. I'm so mad at myself. You're mad aren't you? I'd be mad. Ugh, grr, blah.
Me: It's cool, another time.
Ken: Well come to my place!
Me: Nah, not tonight.
Ken: Why not?
Me: Because I'm already on my way home.
Ken: I could come to yours!
Me: Nah, another time. Meeting for a drink to catch up would've been okay but I'm not trying to hang out late or anything. Maybe another time. (Stress maybe).

He tried to linger on the phone. I wasn't up for small talk. I told him I had to go, and I drove home. Pissed.

The reality hit me that Jimmy hadn't even called me back. I felt so alone. I wanted to cry but couldn't. I wanted to drive around and listen to sappy music and smoke cigarettes but I had no cigarettes and didn't want to waste my gas. So I just drove home. Pissed. Mostly at myself.

I took off my freshly applied makeup, replaced my changed outfit for sweats, got a glass of water, and headed to my bed to read while America's Funniest Videos played in the background. I gave the boys lots of lovin' because they never let me down.

The Ex sent me a text:

The Ex: If you're not home you should be thinking about wrapping it up soon, tomorrow is gonna come quick. Be careful and don't do anything dumb. xoxox
Me: Thanks, Dad.

I didn't want to let him know that the plans fell through. It would've given him too much satisfaction.

The Ex: Anytime, when are you going home?
Me: Soon.
The Ex: How soon?
Me: Soon, goof! What's with all the questions, writing a book?
The Ex: Maybe, where are you at?
The Ex: How long are you going to be there?

Okay, this was getting ridiculous. I'm not sending a good message if I respond to every one of his texts while I'm supposed to be out with another guy. Plus, I started thinking that he was probably sending me all of these texts full of nonsense just to have me reaching for my phone continuously, therefore, annoying the shit out of Ken. (Which it would've had I been out with him).

Me: Now you're just being a brat. I see what you're doing slick.
The Ex: I miss you, can't you tell? What am I doing?
The Ex: I'll leave you alone. Have fun, be careful. I was just thinking about you. xoxoxoxoxox

I couldn't fight it any longer so I called Jimmy again. He didn't answer. But this time, he called me right back. He's been studying so much he said. The EMT test at the academy is kicking his ass. He hates test, books, studying. He's nervous he's not going to pass. All he's been doing is studying. I could hear in his voice how exhausted he was. The sound was familiar. "You miss me?" he said.

Me: I do, and I think you may have been right long ago when you said you didn't think you had the time to be talking to someone. (I hadn't planned on bringing this up at this time but it just came out).
Jimmy: Whatever, I'll talk to you later.
Me: What do you mean you'll talk to me later? No.
Jimmy: You say it like there's somebody else!
Me: How in the world did I say it like there's somebody else?? (Seriously, where in the world did that come from)?
Jimmy: That's not fair, you know I've been trying so hard at the academy, it's been so hard and I'm so tired.

I cut him off

Me: I know, I know, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. I'm just saying, I know you're busy and tired and maybe you just don't have the time. It's okay.
Jimmy: Let me study some more and I'll call you back in a little bit.

I thought for sure he wouldn't call me back but an hour later he did. We just talked. He told me about his tests. He told me how hard it all was for him. I told him about work and my friends. I didn't bring up the other subject again. I thought we'd just talk for a bit, and we did.

After we got off the phone I couldn't stop thinking about our short conversation on the subject I've spent almost a week thinking about. What did his reaction mean? Did he call back just to talk because he was trying to show me he wanted to make an effort to make time? Is he just worried I'm going to see someone else so he's stringing me along? I texted him. "Good night, I do miss you...just not sure you have the time to be talking to someone. If that's the case you can tell me, I'll understand. No hard feelings..." I'm sure he was sleeping by then so no response.

After I got out of the shower this morning I grabbed my phone to turn on the internet radio I like to listen to while I get ready for work and saw that I had three missed calls. Hmm, odd. They were all Jimmy. Yay! He saw my text and wanted to talk! He had left a voice mail, so I listened.
Negative. Nothing about the text. Apparently he had a bad morning with his dog that he's been thinking about giving away now that he just doesn't have the time for him.

Can you believe The Ex wants to take the dog? It could just be one of his sneaky ways to get close. Who can decipher the inner workings of The Ex's brain, not I. Jimmy was 100% against giving the dog to The Ex. He looked at me like I had five heads when I brought it up. Guess he's desperate. So he was calling because he wanted me to find out of my ex was serious about taking the dog because he just has had enough. Text him and let him know because he's going into class. Hmph.

Cherry on the sundae

Because I traded sleep for tossing and turning over the status of Jimmy and I Sunday night, I was exhausted all day yesterday at work. So much so that I skipped the gym. (Though skipping the gym might have been slightly more appealing than normal considering I was also side-stepping any confrontation with the ex-hair cutting personal trainer. I hoped he'd call me yesterday since he didn't see me at the gym and I could let him down over the phone rather than in person. No such luck. Looks like tonight's the night. Ugh).

I had decided in my head that I would mention something to Jimmy when the time was right, hopefully that night. Then, he threw a wrench in my plan.

He called me when he got out of work to tell me how things were going, say hi, say he missed me. Then, he told me how some guy he didn't know came up to him at work the night before asking him if he knew me. Jimmy said yes, and then the guy went on to say things like, yea, I heard you two were dating, and other invasive questions, blah, blah, mother effing blah. Jimmy said the guy kept fishing for information so in turn, he just played if off saying we were cool and lived in the same development. (As if we were nothing!)

Immediately I knew who "the guy" was. It was The Ex's cousin James. James had called while I was at The Ex's visiting the day before and had said he was going to the place where Jimmy worked that night. I told Jimmy who the guy was, that it was The Ex's cousin. He knew it was someone attached to me in a way like that, someone I had dated or was trying to date me, something, that's why he played if off. I agreed. As in, well played.

It wasn't until after we hung up that I thought about it some more. Then I was upset. Why wouldn't you just say yes, we're dating? Why act like it's nothing? I felt embarrassed. I've told The Ex how I like this guy and now his cousin is going to report back to him that the guy acted like I was nothing. My mind switched to being consumed with why he had reacted in that way and I couldn't stop thinking about it. If it were for a negative reason he wouldn't have told me about the exchange at all, right? I felt wretched. And that turned into what I was going to ask him when I talked to him next.

So, I skipped the gym and planned on going home, making dinner, and then finishing my most recent book so as to avoid any late charges at the library. I had gone online yesterday to renew two books I hadn't gotten to yet, and attempted to renew the third I was currently reading since I still had a little over 200 pages left and only two days until it was due back. Can you believe that they wouldn't let me renew it because of the number of holds people had put on it? Immediately I felt the pressure to finish, and asap. How could I return a book without finishing it? Not to be heard of. No worries, I finished it yesterday with time to spare. I work so well under pressure.

Just as I finished putting honey mustard marinade on my chicken breasts and popped 'em onto my Foreman grill (love the Foreman), The Ex called. I answered, prepared to hear the dirt on his cousin's side of the confrontation. I swear, that family.

The Ex: What are you doing?
Me: Just making dinner.
The Ex: Well, stop! Come down to Tony's (his other cousin) we just got some steaks and we're gonna cook out, Jess (Tony's wife) will be there too.

No mention of Jimmy and the exchange. Regardless, I wasn't feeling up for it. I was tired and on top of that, newly depressed. It was an all around blah day. Socializing was the furthest thing from my mind. But, in true form, The Ex used his powers of persuasion to change my mind.

When I'm upset my initial reaction is to hole up in my apartment and feel sorry for myself. Jimmy had soccer, he'd be out most of the night, I was just going to sit there and stew. Probably better to get out. Plus, he offered to fill up my gas tank if I'd drive him back to his mom's after dinner and let's be serious, gas is freaking expensive. So I finished cooking my chicken, put it in tupperware to take to lunch the next day, and went.

Jimmy called me while I was en route. I told him I was going to a cook out, (so true), and crossed my fingers in the hopes he wouldn't ask whose so I wouldn't have to lie, and he didn't. So I just came out with it and asked why he had acted like him and I weren't talking when he was asked.

Jimmy: What do you mean? (Classic stalling answer).

I rephrased the question.

Jimmy: It was none of his business. I didn't know him. He just comes up to me and asks me if I know you and I could tell that he was digging for info. He was either a guy that was trying to talk to you, an ex, or knew an ex and I didn't want to tell him anything. It was none of his business.

Hmmm....

There was nothing much I could say to that. That was his answer, so I said okay and closed the subject. I didn't feel any better. He was heading to soccer, had three chapters to read that night for the academy the next day. He asked me to call him later. We hung up. My eyes actually teared up a bit. Yea, I know.

Dinner was delicious. Worth the trip. We ate out on the deck, drank a few, and caught up. It was nice, not gonna lie. The Ex and I left around 10pm. On the drive, I told him about the recent events with Jimmy. He says he knows guys like that. In that environment (a bar) his initial reaction is to act unattached. Why wouldn't he have just said yes? He doesn't trust the kid. I take into account the source, but at the same time, I knew he was right.

I had to help The Ex into the house, crutches an' all, so it was a given that I'd come in. We hung out for a bit. I played with his dog. I'm a sucker for dogs. He tried to get me to spend the night. He tried to kiss me. I let him cuddle with me a bit, but nothing more. "Wow, you really like this guy," he said. And I do, but it was more than that. There was no part of me that wanted to stay with him. That wanted to cuddle with him that night. I wanted to go home. Even at 12:30am when I would've gotten more sleep had I just stayed, I wanted to drive the 25 minutes south to my apartment. And I did.

I didn't call Jimmy that night. I texted him while I was at The Ex's cousin's house (shortly after we had talked), Basically saying that I felt as though he made it seem like we were friends because he didn't want anyone to know he was talking to someone. He didn't respond. There are times he says he doesn't get my texts, but I don't think this was the case this time. Shit, it may never be the case. I'm starting to think this kid is all excuses. So obviously, I didn't call him.

He called me this morning at 7am. On his way to the academy. I didn't answer. I didn't call back. I don't plan on it. I'm hoping he's calling because he wants to talk about the text I sent, but I'm pretty sure he just wants to know what time I got in last night. If I got home last night. All he seems to want is to keep tabs on me.

It's definitely time for a talk.

Timing is golden

The Ex is making another official attempt to get back together. He never actually stopped trying, he just stopped being vocal about it. He alternates back and forth between inserting himself into my life to remain present, asking me to do things we'd only do if we were a couple, telling me straight up how he feels, and lying back and giving me space. I know he's been trying even when it seems he's not for quite a while. I know he had no idea how to approach me in the beginning of it all. I know because he told me, and I know because I know him.

In my opinion, two recent developments have driven this particular vocalization:

1. He broke his ankle. He is a 6'2" 220lb. baby. Surgery was yesterday. He's staying at his mom's who is taking care of him. He wants me to take care of him. Not gonna happen, bud.

2. I told him about Jimmy and the possible move in. I told him of the first serious attempt we're making. Mainly because it's the reason I used for not being able to take care of him, but also because I wanted him to know. He's terrified. I don't have to tell him how I've got it bad for that kid, he knows me and he can tell. I can tell he's worried.

So, with these two factors coming into play The Ex is coming at me full force. It started Monday, but last night for once in his adult life he actually put into words, in clear sentences without any, "ya knows" how he feels. He came out and asked if we could give it another try.

I finally took the time and effort to explain to him that each time I contemplate letting him back in slightly, he reminds me of how he used to be. I let him know how the Valentine's Day debacle upset me. I let him know how last Sunday when I didn't hear from him, he let me down. I let him know that because he is no longer my boyfriend I don't have to deal with that sorta thing and I'm just not going to. Period. He said he was disappointed in himself as well and that he is going to make the change. That he loves me so much still and has never stopped. I'm his best friend. He sees him and I getting married and having babies. He knows it's going to happen. It has to happen. Hmm...

I haven't given him an inch. I told him how I'm not sure I could ever trust him again nor do I know if I even have the desire to try. I told him how when we broke up, I dealt with the hurt and the pain by myself and got over it by myself. No closure supplied by him. I haven't forgiven him and as long as we are friendly on the surface, I do not hold it against him. I can deal. Taking down the wall and letting him in again though? Not sure that's possible without drudging up the unfinished business. Not sure I even want to try.

Of course he still sees me as the person he wants to marry and have children with, I didn't hurt him. I didn't betray him and let him down. I just left. I decided I wanted and deserved more and I was never going to get it from him. So I let go. I moved on. Right?

However, despite knowing all of this, hearing him say the things he says does send my mind reeling, (obviously or I wouldn't be writing about it today). I can't say his words do not affect me. There is definitely still a part of me that wants to believe in him. I do believe he wants the things he says he does, what I don't believe is he will put the effort it requires into getting any of it.

The bottom line is I have no desire to give him/us another shot right now. I have feelings for Jimmy and I'm exploring that first. I need to. I want to. Sorry bud, but you've put yourself on the back burner and you're not getting bumped up simply because you've successfully expressed emotion. He asked if after Jimmy, could we give it another shot. I still feel like I don't know, which is what I told him. Time and time again I put a glimmer of faith into him. Time and time again he proves he did not deserve it. It's going to stop. He'd have to seriously prove himself. So to sum it up, I'm not thinking about giving him another chance right now, at all.

"When it comes to men that are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do."
-Randy Paush

Smart man.

Random update

July 25, 2008

So I was supposed to be taking a fabulous, leisurely vacation to the Outer Banks (somewhere I've always heard wonderful things about but never been), with my friend Jen and her family. Oh, why I'm not going is quite the long story. Anyway, I'm not going. Instead I will be taking a leisurely stay-cation. Staying at home.

In other news, I've talked to Ken here and there. He's all "depressed" and "upset" he says. He's left me songs on my voice mail (yes, songs on my voice mail), and keeps saying how much he misses me. He asked me to dinner this Wednesday, I said yes but then canceled. He asked me to come out last night too and I said no. I don't know about him. Figuring it out.

Finally heard from Jimmy yesterday after not speaking for about five days. That may not sound like a long time but it is the longest we have gone without speaking or seeing each other. This happened after I confronted him after hearing that he had been dating some girl named "Jez." Given, this is perfectly allowed but he loved to give me a hard time about guys, all the while it seems he was doing his own thing anyway. Typical double standard.

He texted me. Be prepared, I am now going to document our text message conversation after he had no defense about seeing someone else, possibly while we were together. He simply said, "What’s up." I said, "Nothing." Then he said, again, "What’s up, I'm with my boss and can't really talk. You miss me?" (Gag me). I said, "Can't miss you because I’m pissed at you" And he said, "Why! I told you I get even. And you do miss me." (GAG ME). And I said, "EW, you're a jerk. Guess you got even then. Whatever. I'm done." (YEA!) So then he shaped up and was like "I promise I didn't do it to be mean, you were talking to Ken. I still miss you." And I was not backing down so I said "You get mad at me for the same shit you do and talk about how honest you are and I'M the liar but that's not true. And if you missed me, you would’ve called earlier." And he wrote, "Wow you are mad at me! You never talk to me like this!" And I said, "Well, I tried with you and cut people off, but I'm done now" And then he was like, "No you didn't now you're lying, that’s bullshit, you even told me you didn't so why are you lying to me right now" And I was just like, "Whoa, I never said I didn't, I said I did and I did. But it's all whatever." And then he called me. Ugh. He said he talked to that girl while I was talking to Ken and did tell me about her. He had told me about a girl that he had met but he also said that they were just friends. I'm not stupid, so I knew it was probably more than that. Whatever, I don't know. I told him whatever. Then he started talking about work because he was all upset thinking he was going to get fired. He got in a fight with his boss and all. I have no idea what's going on there, but I'm done trying. I'm done calling him or starting anything.

The Ex is The Ex and I need to ease up in talking to him. Seriously. He's a mess still talking to that psycho ex of his and some other girl too. The other girl who he "doesn't even really like" recently told him she loved him and he said it back while drunk, but he doesn't mean it. Right. Whatever. He's a hot mess and he'll always be a hot mess. No progress to speak of so I got to bow out of that.

I have my very own Domestic Violence police officer lady who calls me and checks in on me about the John situation. Classy. She checks to see if he's been picked up and said I can call her 24hrs, anytime. They even have a car drive by my street routinely, very nice. I heard from John Sunday and his dad emailed me Monday. He still hasn't been arrested.

And wow, that's my life in a nutshell.

Pickle jar

July 16, 2008

I always manage to get myself into pickles. Pickles of all shapes and sizes. I basically live in a pickle jar. One might say I do this to myself or that I like it, thrive on it, whatever. I don't really know. I also don't really mind so maybe that translates to my liking it. I just don't like life to be boring. Is that so crazy? I think not.

The current pickle has me pulled in a number of directions. The Ex has recently proposed marriage. That's right, marriage. The big "I do." Ring an' all. Now, after two years, he is officially trying to get back with me, and hardcore this time. He tried a few months back and its debatable that he's tried even before that. Of course his timing is impeccable because I've finally become comfortable with him in my life as a friend and nothing more. But then there's that love...is it still there or has too much time gone by? I don't know. I'm ignoring that one. He deserves to be on the back burner. I've got issues with today's men. Oh, and another one from yesterday.

Ex number two will be arrested this week. John. Violating that peace order the fucker. I was nice as can be during the past month while he violated the order over and over with emails, letters, and hundreds of text messages. How could I get someone arrested who was crying about how depressed they were and how they wanted me back? It just seemed cruel. Until he went completely delusional on me and in his head manifested the story that I lied in court and deserve no peace order, he has appealed it, and I’ll be seeing him in court. Oh hell no. There is nothing I hate more than domestic violence court. Having only experienced it once, was more than enough in my lifetime. I could feel the white trash seeping into my pores. I'm not trying to pick any of that up. It's just not in my DNA. So here we are again, except this time he's caught himself a criminal charge. I feel badly, I do. But I know he's done this to himself. All he had to do was forget my number for six months. He couldn't do it. I need him to leave me alone. My foot is officially down.

Then there's the face off between the other two blond-haired, blue-eyed boys in my life, (seriously, what’s up with all these guys being blond-haired and blue-eyed?) Ken, 35. Jimmy, 22. Whaaat? Yeah, couldn't be more opposite. I'm seriously crushing on the 22-year-old. The 35-year-old is seriously crushing on me. Isn't that always how it goes down? Ken is probably the smartest option for me and I was definitely all about him at first. And he's freaking hot! I mean the guy has a great body and he's gorgeous. He wants to take me here, take me there, and spend all this time with me. He tells me all the things a girl wants to hear. And the boy knows his way around the hoo-ha if you know what I mean. There's nothing I love more than a guy who knows what's going on down there. Priceless. Mr. Ken has got it down pat. I mean, he should teach that shit he does down there. All of woman kind would benefit from the knowledge being spread. Problem? He wants me to be his freaking girlfriend. Brakes. That's about the point that yours truly starts to shut down, back up, and look for the exit. There is nothing worse than having the lets-just-be-together talk too soon. And he did it. Shot a torpedo right through our fabulous courtship. Immediate halt. Now the "baby" talk and "my girl" stuff is being thrown around in his attempt to throw out there that "I'm still his." Ugh, hate it.

Jimmy, oy vey. Hot boy. Everything about him says bad and oh so damn good. He couldn't be more wrong for me if he tried thus the basis of his appeal. Mmm, he's scrumptious. He's not good in bed. No, in that arena he's your typical 22-year-old guy. It's a shame. I feel like I could teach him if he were willing. Its a challenge, and once I'm presented with a challenge I rarely lose interest. Of course meeting him while I was still with John and hanging out with him during the gray period of our break up, didn't exactly give us the best jumping off point; nah, not at all. We started seeing each other immediately after John and I broke up. It was adorable. He was so excited that we were "talking." Presh. Then he got insanely jealous, but came right out with it. He doesn't try to hide it or cover it up with other issues (like Ken). It is what it is and he's vocal about it. Surprisingly mature (unlike the 35-year-old). But, it led to our demise. I play games. I'm used to guys falling head over heels right away and wanting me for them. Jimmy fell right in line with that. The only thing he didn't fall in line with is hanging around as I messed around in cutting the other guys off. He bounced! Totally peaced out on me. He couldn’t' do it, didn't want to deal with it, so he bailed and rightfully so.

During the weekend that Jimmy was expecting me to "get my priorities in order" and "figure out what I wanted" I met Ken. Meeting Ken during THIS gray period distracted me for a bit, all the while confirming Jimmy's decision that I was nothing but a lying little player. I wanted Jimmy to be nothing anyway so I was happy for the distraction of Ken. I felt like he was what I "should" be interested in. Yet slowly but surely Jimmy crept back into my head. Now I can't get the fucker out and now that Ken is being so lame and disappointing, I really want Jimmy back.

So I've been working overtime to try to get back in good with him. Well, maybe not overtime but the fact that I’m working at all is out of character for me. I'm doing it though. It seems to be working too! I love every little moment that I feel like he's giving in. Like yesterday when he was working downtown and stopped at my work. Just stood outside my building and called and asked me to come down. We just hung out for about a half hour. It was adorable. I love how he starts to call me before and after his games to let me know how his teams did. I love when he calls me on the way to work and on the way home. I love it all. There are some things I'm missing still. And I'm not completely sure that he wants me for anything other than sex yet, but I have an inkling that it may be more than that. He's definitely making me pay a little. Reveling in it all just a little even. But I think he likes me the way I like him. He's definitely extremely cautious when it comes to me. There's a huge wall. I feel it almost all the time. There are brief (and I mean brief, as in mere seconds) that it comes down and he'll say a couple true things. All of that just adds to his appeal to me. I find it challenging and intriguing. If it comes too easy I lose interest. Even when HE came too easy I lost interest! But here I am, trying to set the pride aside for someone that I can't get out of my head, and I'm ashamed to say, my dreams sometimes too. Yes, its that bad. An adult crush at its absolute worst.

Keeping the peace, please

June 22, 2008

I have a protective peace order against John. I can’t believe that it came to that but at the same time I am somehow relieved. I never thought that would be my reaction to it. It feels good to finally have a definitive end. Going to court and facing him was so hard, incredibly mortifying, and difficult. The Ex came with me. He also sat at the commissioner's office until 11pm the night that John flipped out on me. Guess I can count on him to be there when I really need him.

I’ve recently realized that I am an incredibly nice, good-hearted, laid back individual. I have a difficult time hurting people even the people who have hurt me. I’ve realized that guys are relentless. They are ruthless and determined when they want something. I could go on and on describing events that have recently happened but I have no desire to. I am leaving a lot of holes but I just don’t want to go there. It is what it is.

I am finally in a place where I feel confident with who I am, what I am, and where I am going. More important than where I’m going, I love where I am. I have sorted through things that have been a part of my life for far too long. I’ve let go and it feels fabulous. I was “rejected” or set aside by a guy that I had a thing for. I needed that. It was minor (thank goodness), but I needed it. A 22-year-old boy got the best of me and blew me off. I developed a kindergarten crush on him that kept him running through my mind for days. I still think of him. He drives me nuts. He’s unattainable now. It’s a good thing. I needed that experience. I’m dating a 35-year-old guy, a.k.a. opposite side of the spectrum, and that is fabulous too.

Next chapter, please. Thanks.

Bittersweet revelations

February 17, 2008

A minor setback taught me what I already knew. God knows I usually need to be taught more than once—especially when it comes to The Ex. After much resistance (and I swear I resisted), I agreed to go out with The Ex on Valentine’s Day. And I didn’t even agree until the day of. It was Valentine’s Day; I am a sort of natural, hopeless romantic, so the day made me do it. I agreed. God the boy tried for at least a month!

Whelp, in true form he stood me up. I mean, basically he stood me up. In pure "The Ex" style he just had to take a nap before and just had to have me call and wake him up. That kid takes more naps than a two year old. As usual when I called him he didn’t answer and then seemingly turned his phone off, and from what I can assume, continued to sleep. Luckily I was smart enough to stop getting ready at that point. Luckily all I managed to do was all of my makeup and my hair before I stopped and proceeded to clean my bathroom sink and mirror both of which were long overdue. Not until 8:30 (an hour and half after he was supposed to wake up, a half hour after he was supposed to have picked me up and one hour before our reservation), did I call Jen to report the utter embarrassment. Of course I was praised for not going (she had literally yelled at me when I told her I was considering going which in my terms means “I’m going”), before I told her that I could not accept any of the credit for not having gone.

Of course he called while I was on the phone with Jen and line for line delivered what I told Jen he would. He overslept, he accidentally turned off his phone, he’s so sorry, we can still go, he’s on his way, he'll be here in 20, blah, blah, blah. But I stood firm and did not give in. I did not go. It wasn’t until I hung up the phone with him that I began to cry, immediately. And there I sat. On Valentine’s Day, a year and half after the brake up, sitting alone on the phone with my girlfriend crying over his sorry ass, on Valentine's Day, all the while knowing he would just take someone else to that dinner because he had reservations and another couple was going. He couldn’t just not show up with someone because that would look bad. Fucker.

I am mad at myself letting him in as little as I did. I know better and I’ve come a long way; I deserve much better. I allowed myself to have faith in him for a second and I am angry with myself for it. But a higher power—a divine intervention intervened. Thankfully The Ex showed that he had not changed before I had the chance to do anything stupid – before I even saw him. Done and done. No more friendly conversations. We’re not friends.

I am not going to be too hard on myself because all of this was new. This was the first time that I had ever dealt with him trying to get back with me. Putting the words out there that I had wanted to hear for over a year. I am learning as I’m going and sometimes I take the long way in getting where I need to be. As I am faced with new things I am learning how to respond. Things have always been difficult for me when it comes to him. So I took in what he said since it was all so new to me because I loved him, but when he proved to be just slightly similar to who I remember, I’m done. Sometimes we need to make the wrong decisions before we make the right ones. But it could’ve been so much worse. If I weren’t as strong as I was, worse things could have definitely happened. I handled it all with class.

The only positive thing that comes from all of this is the realization that I have a huge, unconditionally loving, resilient heart. I am incredibly forgiving, and my faith in people can be shaken but doesn't deteriorate. I can’t imagine how fabulous those things will be when I apply them to the right person.

So I’m letting go. And not just of The Ex, although that is completely overdue, I am letting go of all the men of my past. John is gone and I miss him, but it’s for the better. The Ex is gone and needs to be. Even Brandon. After going to dinner with him last Saturday I realized how immature he is and how pointless it is for me to hang out with him. He has no idea how to treat a woman. I am done with thinking I made a mistake giving up on Alan. I know that it would never work out between him and I; we are too different. But I am happy to have experienced him. Although intense, he is a mature man who knows how to communicate how he feels and how to treat a woman the way she deserves to be treated. He is the first guy I’ve dated since The Ex, and dare I say as an adult woman, who did so. Technically I’ve only dated two new guys since The Ex– Brandon and Alan. Brandon was a 23-year-old baby. I met The Ex when I was 20. So he at least showed me what I should be experiencing and I won’t be wasting any more time with anything else. I will continue to hang out with him as it is understood that we are simply friends. As long as that remains true, we can remain friends.