Disappointment

Why does it seem that everyone in my life, outside of my family members, manage to disappoint me at some point? I don't mean small disappointments like, bailing on a night out on the town, I mean, the realization that a friend is not the friend I once thought they were. I'm not swearing perfection here, exactly the opposite in fact. I'm terribly worried that it's me--me being the common denominator in this plaguing fact and all.

I've always gotten along better with guys as friends than with girls. Guys are so uncomplicated. You really do not have to worry about them judging you or talking behind your back. They're blunt. Everything is just out there. I operate that same exact way. I put it out there. I can't conceal a feeling if I tried. It hurts to try. I'm painfully honest with my friends. Sometimes I think they can't handle it.

My girlfriend relationships have always been a roller coaster. I have one solid friend that I've been friends with forever, but I swear the only reason why is because she's engaged and we live separate lives. The friends I spend time with day to day seem to change. It's as if I can only handle being "best" friends with one person at a time, but that friendship doesn't sustain. We drift and I don't know why. What is it I'm doing wrong?

Most recently, the latest drift has been plaguing me more than any other of the past. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and friendships aren't as easy to find. Not like you can chat up someone in the hallway or during a class. Those days are most certainly over (and they ain't making a comeback either). Yes, this may be true but mostly it's because I thought I had finally found a friendship I'd always wanted. Something rare. But it somehow slipped between my fingers. We're still friends, but it's not the same. We're more like acquaintances. We used to talk everyday, knew everything going on in one another0s' lives, and now I feel like a stranger. I'm not sure why the change happened. She doesn't seem to care. Which makes me think it must be me.

The worst part it is, I've felt this way in general for quite a while--this blaming of myself for dwindling friendships. I had never told anyone. Ever. Frankly, it's embarrassing. But, I told her. I told her how I feared it was me. I confided in her this embarrassing fact because I thought she'd always be there. I knew she'd be honest with me. She told me there was no way it was me.

I've tried to talk to her about this feeling quite a bit in the past 6 months but I've gotten no straight answer to speak of, and still nothing has changed. First, she came to me and said it was a birth control she was on that she found had side effects that put her in a nasty slump. She apologized. She blamed herself entirely. She said all of her relationships had suffered. She got off the birth control. That was in June. Since then she has always said she's so busy with work and freelance work. So busy. No time for friends. None. (All of this without my asking anything. I've given up making attempts). But I see she makes time for other friends somehow. I see it in hte updates on her facebook for Christ's sake. Honestly, I feel like she's been trying to break up with me but just keeps beating around the bush. It's hurtful. I wish I knew why.

Sometimes I think I'm too trusting of people. Too open. It makes me want to hole up and not trust anyone because inevitably, they'll let me down. I'm going to try to fight this feeling because I know it leads no where good. I'm going to try to just be carefree and act as if I'm not bothered. But it's hard work to suppress feelings of hurt.

A Divine 2009

I'm optimistic about this new year of 2009. Possibly this is simply because I am a relentlessly optimistic person by nature. Regardless, I am.

I am optimistic despite the fact that I've never felt more alone in my life. Alone in my social life, specifically, both sexes. Girlfriends, boyfriends; there's no discrimination.

I'm sure it goes without saying that I am in fact, single. My best friend and her long-time, fabulous boyfriend just got engaged on New Year's Eve. I am SO happy for them. Seriously. They're one of those amazing couples that compliment each other perfectly and have a wonderful, strong relationship. They're that couple you hang out with but never, not for one second, feel like a third wheel. Awesome in every sense. (Teensy bit depressed for little old me). Not showing it. Promise. The majority of my other friends, even my best guy friend most recently, are coupled up. I'm through with casual encounters. This feels good, but at times, baaaad. Painful even. The Ex is gone and gone for good this time. Restraining order boy is also done and done. Jimmy and I are friends, but strictly friends. Like I said, no casual encounters. New boy? Done.

So yep, that leaves me all by my lonesome. I stay in a lot lately. And I mean a lot. I stay in alone a lot. A lot. Except I go to the gym. Oh, an Target.

So why am I optimistic you ask? Well, there is no negativity in my life. There is no poison. The bad people are gone. The new people I choose to let into my life will be positive and I plan on being sure of that. As many of us do around this time, I feel as though I have a clean slate. The skeletons have been yanked, pulled, and drug out, (more times than necessary), and have been laid to a final rest. I've exhausted all opportunities that lie in my past. There are no unanswered questions left to explore in '09.

I've had my heart broken. But it's over. I've been betrayed, disappointed, let down. I plan to live smarter in the coming year. I rang in 2009 with new friends. Yes, it was awkward to get all dressed up in a cocktail dress, drive to the city, park, and walk to a house I'd never been, to a party that housed only one person I knew well and one other I'd met only once before, completely alone. Yes, it was odd. But I had a fabulous time. Everyone was so incredibly fun and friendly. (I realize alcohol was involved, but still). I accepted an invitation that I'm sure I would not have this same time last year.

They say the way you spend your New Year's Eve celebration is a reflection of how you will spend that new coming year, and I'd like to believe that I will spend 2009 stepping outside of my comfort zone, meeting new positive people, therefore allowing myself and my experiences to change. From new things comes change, and I've been stuck in a holding pattern expecting to find something new in the old. I stumbled upon a yearly horoscope for "the year ahead: 2009" and found this:

"Ditch your ideas about the way things ‘should’ be, because these will only stand in your way. It’s time to let go and experiment. Sometimes control isn’t possible."

And that's just what I plan to do. Call it my, I don't know, New Year's Resolution? Original, I know.

Happy New Year, all. Cheers.

Fab fall

Days like today make me want to go buy pumpkins and apple cider. Hang out at a pumpkin patch and drink hot chocolate. Then I remember that I live in an apartment and it doesn't make much sense to have pumpkins. Yes, I could put them on my balcony but it's just not the same effect I'm going for. I want to pick up the colorful leaves I see lying around but what will I do with them? I know they'll just wind up in the trash. Anyway, I love this weather. And I love that it's Saturday and I can enjoy it.

Tonight I'm heading to a haunted house with a bunch of friends and I'm super excited. My best girlfriend and I have been going to haunted houses a couple weeks before Halloween for the past 10 years. We bring whatever guy we're dating at the time. The Ex is coming tonight. It's a great tradition. Sometimes we'll just drive up north until we find one. Tonight, we're going to one I saw featured on the Travel Channel. That's right, the Travel Channel, as one of the scariest haunted houses and it's only an hour away. I'm pumped.

Hope everyone is enjoying their Saturday. I'm going to run a couple miles. Training for the Turkey Trot 5K. My first official attempt at running and organized race. :)

Eff it, I'm going to buy some apple cider. And maybe a little gord or two.

Weekend recap

In the name of all things random I'm offering up a complete recap of my not so eventful weekend. I'm at that spot on the roller coaster of life that you may call a down point. Or maybe just a steady, even point is more accurate. No screaming or clutching for dear life going on where I'm currently at. Regardless of what quirky name it is given, I'm feeling like simply lying back, relaxing, and doing a whole lotta nada with my very own self. I get that way from time to time. I'm pretty sure if I paid close enough attention I could get it down to a science, as in, the reassurance of this feeling about every say, 36 days or something. Then I could say thing like, oh, don't think I'm gonna want to go to dinner that night, my "me time" is due to start. Kinda like my period, another thing I've never bothered to pay enough attention to find out if it's regular. It's regular in that I get it every month...how many days in between? You got me.

So Friday, even though a nice guy who I have yet to go out with asked me out for drinks at a place nearby, I declined. No better plans, no reason, just not in the mood. Going home sounded better. And that's just what I did. I went home and hung out with my boys. Dating hiatus: full effect. I chatted with my best friend Melis. I watched some shows On Demand. I swapped the clothes and shoes in my closets. I have two walk in closets (ahh) and one of them is easier to get to than the other (due to the opening and closing of my bedroom door). For this reason I keep the current season's clothing in the more accessible closet and switch them each season. It's also an excuse for me to see what I'm working with each season and discard anything I haven't worn. I chilled and enjoyed the new crisp fall weather.

On Saturday I headed to a family party with The Ex (his family). It was a good time. Great to see everyone, especially his little niece who is not so little these days. Going on 8, she clung to me for a lot of the evening saying things like, "I never want to stop hugging you!" When I left she clutched my waist and pleaded, "Am I going to see you again??" I'm sure you will, Em, is all I could say.

Funny anecdote: For years, I'd say at least 5 if not more, The Exe's sisters and I have participated in this strange thing just between us four, where at each fam event we pass this old beat up green matchbox truck between us by dropping it in each other's purses lined up somewhere in the house. Whoever has it slips it into someone else's purse at some time throughout the night and you never know you have it until you get home. It's an unspoken thing we've just always done. I'm not even sure how it started. Well, when I got home Saturday night, the green matchbox truck was in my purse. Almost brought a tear to my eye. Then I was immediately worried because, when am I going to see them again? I can't lose this thing! And why did they give it to me?! Oy vey. I totally got the message though.

The Ex and I didn't hang out late night. He dropped me off and went out. I acted as if I was going to go out, but I stayed in. He wanted to go out together but I sensed that he really didn't even though he kept asking and saying he did. I felt like I kinda gave him the easy way out and declined. I'm just not sure about him sometimes. Things seem to be getting slightly awkward between us.

The night was fun but left me feeling sad. His family have all changed so much. All in positive ways. Having babies, gotten married, engaged to be married, buying houses. Growing up. making plans. And here I am, going backward. I'm happy for them, I am. I'm envious. Why didn't all of those things happen for him and I? Every single sibling of his has progressed forward. What's wrong with him? His oldest sister who loves to speak her mind gave me a serious rundown on his stripper ex-girlfriend. They all hate her. Good to know. But it just made it all the more real. He brought her and her kids around his family. She replaced me. Here I am now, two years later. Paranoid in bringing a guy home. Practically allergic to interacting with another guy and members of my family. He's had a whole other serious relationship since me. One where he cohabitated and shared his world. Ugh. Another reason I was happy to go home to my apartment and be by myself.

Sunday I headed to James's to watch the football game. The Ex came too. Jimmy called me while I was there. I ran outside to talk to him while The Ex came out and was being obnoxiously loud (sorta like Jimmy does when I'm on the phone). Then he got pissed and locked me outside. Idiot. They went out after the game but I headed up to my parent's place to go to dinner to celebrate my Mom's birthday. All in all, the weekend left me feeling sort of sad and the feeling seems to be sticking with me. I'm just not sure I'm happy with the direction my life is going. I'm trying to not be worried about it and simply concentrate on myself. But it's hard. Ah, well.

P.S. I realize this "weekend recap" is being posted as the next weekend is here, i.e. late. I drafted this post and never got around to finishing it, but wanted to. So here it is. My bad. (Nobody really reads this ish but me anyway!)

Who knows? Not I.

I don't even know where to start so I'm just going to start.

Ken and I got together as "friends" last week. Drinks and appetizers after work. Long story short, the conclusion is that we cannot be just friends. Too many times he told me he misses me (even though I was sitting directly across from him). Too many times he talked about us; what went wrong, what he wishes, oh how sad. We did have a good time together as we always have had. Drinking margaritas and martinis and laughing. Things are just easy and comfortable between us. It's the oddest thing. I am incapable of being seriously into him even though he is seriously into me, yet I find him ridiculously attractive. When I'm around him I like him but as soon as he leaves my vision I have forgotten him. Be it that I'm afraid or just not that into him, I have no idea. One of the worlds' many unsolved mysteries. There are certainly more important ones, so moving on.

The night ended with us kissing, yet another sign that we will not be "just friends." I'm too attracted to him not to allow him to kiss me. I can see us going out on a weekend night and my allowing him to have sex with me. In no way am I in need of a fuck buddy.

This week I received texts from him saying he can't stop thinking about me and he misses the fun we had. Feeling not mutual. Damn it, sometimes I wish it were.

So here's the doozy, I've been spending a bit of time with The Ex. Yup, The Ex. Friday night he actually opened up to me and by opening up I mean in the largest way. He tore down the wall and poured out everything inside. I don't know where it came from or why. It was incredibly random. We were out for a bit and the second we got into the car the flood gates opened. I dated him for five years. I've been with him through the loss of loved ones, parent's surgeries and scares, and never have I seen him cry. We've been broken up for two years and never tears. Something happened to him and the tears just wouldn't stop. It is indescribable even now to say what it felt like to see this person I've known for 7 years, lived with, known inside and out, act in a way I never had before. His tears made me cry so we proceeded to cry together like a couple of fools. I offered no words. But told him it was okay as he apologized profusely for everything that ever happened. He kept telling me that it wasn't okay and to stop saying it was.

I've been quite when it comes to voicing my feelings and/or opinions to him about him, us and the future possible potential for an us. He wants to get back together. I'm the love of his life. He's asked that I just think about it, so I guess I am. I went to a football game with him on Sunday and we had a blast as well. No funny business, no talking of us unless it comes from him. My wall is still firmly in place and will remain that way for a while I assume. I'm not sure what I'm doing. I guess I'm just allowing time to be the ultimate decision maker. If he's going to fuck up then it will only take time.

People tell me I should just give him another chance, if I love him it's worth it, I can't hold back, blah, blah, blah. I can't listen to that psycho babble. This is my heart we're talking about and I'm not ready to put it back on the table for him to possibly crush again. This is dangerous waters we're dealing with. I know what it felt like to be broken by him. I know how long it took me to breathe normally and not feel socially retarded in public. No one else can know that but me. I don't feel like I'm the one who needs to do anything. So I'm not. Period.

Jimmy has been calling quite a bit; because I'm showing no interest of course. He called and bitched me out for coming over there, sleeping with him, leaving when I said I'd stay, and then not talking to him after, "as if sex is all it was to me." I explained that I was just following his lead. He so confuses me. He says I play games and he's afraid to seriously date me because he is afraid I will hurt him. I think that sounds like an excuse. Still, I think of him. I haven't seen him since that last night and I don't plan to, but I can't deny that I think of him. I even miss him.

For now, it's Friday and almost the weekend. Plans for tonight are simply walking to a little happy hour at a bar my guy friend Ryan works at with a couple friends from work. James is meeting us over there. I'll probably only stay for an hour or two so I can get home to my boys. I've been holding onto a Netflix movie for far too long, Smart People, so I plan on viewing that while lying in bed. Tomorrow my parents are having a little end of summer shindig. And Sunday, whelp, who knows!

Have a fab weekend friends!

Random update

July 25, 2008

So I was supposed to be taking a fabulous, leisurely vacation to the Outer Banks (somewhere I've always heard wonderful things about but never been), with my friend Jen and her family. Oh, why I'm not going is quite the long story. Anyway, I'm not going. Instead I will be taking a leisurely stay-cation. Staying at home.

In other news, I've talked to Ken here and there. He's all "depressed" and "upset" he says. He's left me songs on my voice mail (yes, songs on my voice mail), and keeps saying how much he misses me. He asked me to dinner this Wednesday, I said yes but then canceled. He asked me to come out last night too and I said no. I don't know about him. Figuring it out.

Finally heard from Jimmy yesterday after not speaking for about five days. That may not sound like a long time but it is the longest we have gone without speaking or seeing each other. This happened after I confronted him after hearing that he had been dating some girl named "Jez." Given, this is perfectly allowed but he loved to give me a hard time about guys, all the while it seems he was doing his own thing anyway. Typical double standard.

He texted me. Be prepared, I am now going to document our text message conversation after he had no defense about seeing someone else, possibly while we were together. He simply said, "What’s up." I said, "Nothing." Then he said, again, "What’s up, I'm with my boss and can't really talk. You miss me?" (Gag me). I said, "Can't miss you because I’m pissed at you" And he said, "Why! I told you I get even. And you do miss me." (GAG ME). And I said, "EW, you're a jerk. Guess you got even then. Whatever. I'm done." (YEA!) So then he shaped up and was like "I promise I didn't do it to be mean, you were talking to Ken. I still miss you." And I was not backing down so I said "You get mad at me for the same shit you do and talk about how honest you are and I'M the liar but that's not true. And if you missed me, you would’ve called earlier." And he wrote, "Wow you are mad at me! You never talk to me like this!" And I said, "Well, I tried with you and cut people off, but I'm done now" And then he was like, "No you didn't now you're lying, that’s bullshit, you even told me you didn't so why are you lying to me right now" And I was just like, "Whoa, I never said I didn't, I said I did and I did. But it's all whatever." And then he called me. Ugh. He said he talked to that girl while I was talking to Ken and did tell me about her. He had told me about a girl that he had met but he also said that they were just friends. I'm not stupid, so I knew it was probably more than that. Whatever, I don't know. I told him whatever. Then he started talking about work because he was all upset thinking he was going to get fired. He got in a fight with his boss and all. I have no idea what's going on there, but I'm done trying. I'm done calling him or starting anything.

The Ex is The Ex and I need to ease up in talking to him. Seriously. He's a mess still talking to that psycho ex of his and some other girl too. The other girl who he "doesn't even really like" recently told him she loved him and he said it back while drunk, but he doesn't mean it. Right. Whatever. He's a hot mess and he'll always be a hot mess. No progress to speak of so I got to bow out of that.

I have my very own Domestic Violence police officer lady who calls me and checks in on me about the John situation. Classy. She checks to see if he's been picked up and said I can call her 24hrs, anytime. They even have a car drive by my street routinely, very nice. I heard from John Sunday and his dad emailed me Monday. He still hasn't been arrested.

And wow, that's my life in a nutshell.

Second guessing, a.k.a. freaking the eff out

December 12, 2007

It's hard for me to do those sweet little thoughtful things for him. I naturally would want to give my all to the someone I am involved with. The problem is I already gave my all to someone else in the past. I'm pretty sure I haven't gotten all of myself back yet. Or if I have I'm not ready to give it away again, not for someone new. Those things were always reserved for “him.” He is the one I did those things for. I wanted to do those things for. I'm not ready to give someone else that same treatment. Of course I don't want to give it to him anymore, but that part of me seems to still be reserved for him. I'm getting better. I've gotten a lot back. I don't think I have gotten it all yet. Baby steps.

I'm just not sure and I'm just a little bit scared of how quickly things are moving or have the potential of moving slowly out of my control. I'm afraid of how far I've already let it go. I'm afraid of being afraid. Has it already gone too far? I'm not sure. I'm a little bit freaking out. I want to press the rewind button and slow it down, or better yet, the hold button. I'm getting hit from all different directions...Kevin, Brandon, the ex, John, Alan.... all at once. What do I want? What about my girl friends? I miss them. I miss the time that Jen and I always spent together. I miss her and the company of the girls. I feel like I'm getting caught up in quick sand. As conscious as I am of not wanting to get carried away it’s as if I am regardless. As if it is just naturally happening and is beyond my control.

I want to get back to me and to my friends. I want to get back into the driver's seat. I need to regain control. I don't want to feel obligated to make that phone call, spend that time, do this and do that. I want to do what I want when I want without the slightest feeling of regret or obligation. Some how I feel like I may have surpassed that opportunity a long time ago. I feel envious of women who can remain happy in relationships. Why aren’t they flipping out? Can you go back to being more casual after letting things get a little bit serious? Can you put on the brakes without crashing? I hope so because that's sorta what I want to do.

When I'm feeling distressed I often seek comforting words from other writers. It makes me feel as if I'm not alone.

"I restore myself when I'm alone."

-Marilyn Monroe

Below is an excerpt from author Stephanie Klein's blog (Straight up and Dirty, Moose). I think I'm feeling her pain.

From Greek Tragedy – Stephanie Klein – Sabotage (Is that what I do to myself? More specifically, is that what I did to Alan and I? Did I sabotage out of fear?)

“I’m getting worried. I’m too used to being alone. I like taking over the entire bed. As soon as I find someone I like, I approach the intersection of insecurity and anxious. I’m happy in my own private world, with my small life and circle of friends. I’ve been so afraid of alone, for so long, that I’ve forced myself into it. Here was my take on anything painful: get it over with. Face the worst, so you won’t hate it anymore. I faced the worst of it, and eventually, I became okay at it. I became comfortable with it. It’s happening now. I’m running my life, in such a safe, meticulous way, having learned from everything, playing it safe. And the problem is, I’ve left her behind. The passionate one, the one who’s messy and full of heart, the one who doesn’t run. I miss the me who dives, who’s messy. And lately, I’ve been reaching out to her.

Today, in a hair salon, I checked the horoscopes (which I never do—no really, I don’t. It’s all crap). I still don’t believe in any of it. The point is, I didn’t just check mine. I found myself checking his horoscope. I found myself leaving and finding refuge in Victoria’s Secret for something that matched. Who am I? I’m all of a sudden this girl, some teenage girl with gum and a locker, with shin guards. Fuck. How did I get back to this juvenile place? It’s enervating.

Here’s the thing: I genuinely believe blessings come to our lives when we’re open to receive them. And being open, means being vulnerable. A good home is an open vulnerable one, open to strangers and stories, and to the uncertainty of life. It’s hard when we live in such a cautious time, when we don’t just bolt, we slide chains over our lives. We’re very worried. My heart has a chain-lock door, the kind you can only release from the inside. And, I’m trying it now. But I’ve gotten so used to things, the way they are, set in my ways, in my safe one bedroom life. But, shit, do I really want to get comfortable here? I mean, I was terrified of alone for a long time, but now that I’ve faced it, it’s become more comfortable than “together.” See “together” becomes ‘tragic.’ It becomes, “Shit, I’m sorry. Are you okay?” And I don’t need that anxiety or heartbreak again. It’s easier being me and the dog and the bad dates. It’s easier when things are light, and nothing is at risk. But, I’ll tell you one thing, from a girl who has been on both sides of that… there’s nothing like a messy life. There’s nothing like passion and feeling alive. Sometimes it’s reckless; other times it’s the timing is bad. But when it lasts, it is what will keep you from ever really enjoying “safe.”

Life, I imagine, is filled with struggles over more than who hogs the covers. It’s bloodshed, in-laws, heartbreak, embarrassment, lust, guilt, and The Gypsy Kings. It’s Pina Coladas, extra towels, sex in the middle of the afternoon, flip-flops and calluses you wish you didn’t have.

Just as I became comfortable with running, with the one thing I hated more than tuna fish out of a can, I became more comfortable with alone than with “us.” And whenever “us” is a possibility, I sabotage it. I’m afraid of the one thing I want more than well-done fries. I’m afraid of the one thing I actually want more than anything. It makes me sad.

It’s all about balance, I suppose. Three quarters of the battle is knowing you can’t control anything but your reactions to things. The other bit is timing. Magic and fate is a sprinkle in there somewhere, at a bar where they make your Caesar salad in front of you in a wooden bowl with some Mexicans serenading you with their guitars and Guantanamera renditions. Man, that’s life, with your hair braided, flip-flops, and drunk with the people who make you smile just from thinking of them. I want that life again. It’s worth the vulnerable heartbreak; worth the, “I can’t get up to shower” type of depression. Mostly because I rarely shower anyway.

Today, three years later, I realize what really scared me then: losing myself. Compromise, (something I still HATE to do). Giving in too often or too much. I'm still working on that one. It isn't only an open, vulnerable home, that allows us to lead rich lives. It's an open mind to change, without sabotaging it all with a "that's just who I am, so deal."