I hate orange cars

I've come to the unsettling, uncomfortable and altogether agonizing conclusion that this annoying crush will not disappear entirely until he does. No worries, I'm not contemplating offing him. I'm thinking more along the lines of his fast-approaching relocation. I'm thanking all things holy that he will be moving a fair distance away in just a couple short weeks. The fact that he'll no longer inhabit the same apartment complex as I fills me with priceless bliss. And most of that last sentence is a blatant lie. But I'm hopeful that eventually it will ring true.

I'm finding comfort in the notion that I'll no longer feel the pathetic urge to break my neck looking out my window when I hear an engine sounding similar to his fast, obnoxious sports car. Hopefully my stomach will stop dropping each time I see orange cars driving around the neighborhood. Every time I see a freaking orange taxi (because lucky for me we have those around these parts believe it or not), my stomach immediately reaches my feet. I am a pathetic excuse for a grown woman.

I'm pretty sure my drunken mind will still default to him. He will be who I want to dial and text. I'll still be reminded of him for no reason that makes any sense, and I'll still think of him. But I'm hoping (gosh I'm saying hoping a lot), that these things will no longer be magnified for days/weeks after I see him because I won't be seeing him.

Needless to say, I saw him yesterday for the first time in over a month. Oh hi, welcome back tongue-tied, gooey-legged, twelve-year-old girl self. I don't understand what it is. I can't figure it out and possibly that is the very reason that it plagues me so.

Oh, but it felt so good to hug him and I could tell the feeling was mutual as he continued to ask for more hugs, each time holding me closer and longer. He lifted me up even. He lingered. He didn't want me to go after the reason for the meet up was complete. He tried to keep the conversation going. Sometimes I think he's just like me in that he makes a conscious effort to act as if he doesn't care, as if he isn't into me. Other times I think I don't matter to him at all. And each time I feel those two polar opposite feelings, I feel them to be intensely true.

He asked me if I'd missed him. He asked me if I would stay with him one last night before he left. He drives me nuts. (And he literally just drove by as I'm typing this). FML.

I vow that I will never again date, hell, associate with a guy who writes their rent checks to the same place I do each month. I'll no longer confuse an adult crush as a fun, exciting thing to explore. This has been painful for close to a year. I'm incredibly embarrassed by it all.

I can't say enough how hopeful I am that the end is near.

In other news, last night I attended a bull roast with my brother and, for the lack of a better description due to my fuzzy brain, a large collection of married couples. This was clearly their big night out which consisted of an aged DJ who alternated been 70’s dance music, every line-dance song ever created, and Beyonce. They were taking full advantage of this “night on the town.” I on the other hand felt like a social leper. No one knew what to say to me so they asked me about work. Fun topic. Then, after that topic was thoroughly explored, they asked me for the update on the bar scene. Yup, pretty much sums up their opinion of my life. Work and bars. Simultaneously ultrasound photos circulated around the table. Oohs and ahhs percolated at the view of an alien-like, blurry, black and white photo that I couldn’t make out to be human but accepted it as so. I’m not knocking procreation and marriage it’s just a totally different world than the one I currently inhabit.

I wanted to leave mere minutes after arriving. My girlfriends were out having dinner and drinks just miles away. I was itching to join my own kind. I stayed for a courtesy three hours that felt like a lifetime. Then I high-tailed it to the bar to meet my ladies. Apparently my emotions were written all over my face, along with “buy me a shot” because that is exactly what ensued. One particular guy bought me shot after shot along with a drink every time he ordered one for himself. When he lagged, his friend filled in. At one point, a girl even bought my girlfriend and I shots from across the bar, and the bartender stepped up and passed around free shots as well. I did not buy one single drink. We shut the place down. Last to leave, and no one pushed us out the door. It was exactly what I needed. We danced, we drank, this outcast shook it like a polaroid picture. And the previous hellish three hours were erased from my memory.

We then proceeded to go back to my place where we polished off an entire bowl of chili con queso dip and Tostitos and I drunk texted.

Regardless, a blast was had by all and I was reminded that although it would be nice to have a hubby and a bun in the oven, it’s not for me, not now. It’s easy to look at those my age living another lifestyle and feel I’m missing out, before I stop myself and think about what I want. Me. Despite my age, there is nothing I should feel is expected of me at this stage in my life. I’m single. I’m happy. And that’s OK. Shit, that’s fabulous.

Falling in love.

Have I got your attention? I thought so.

Well, I'm a dirty little trickster.

Lately, I've noticed that I'm happy with my small, quiet, singular life. My routine, my dog, grocery shopping, decorating, reading. Making lists, setting goals, planning. All very boring I know. I go out, don't get me wrong but I gotta admit, I don't have nearly as much fun as I used to out in the bar scene. I guess that's expected.

But regardless, I've been finding fun in the un-fun. I've been attempting to make plans for myself. I've noticed lately that I feel happy doing the mundane but could not figure out why. I mean come on, these things are not exciting. Then, it hit me. I'm falling in love. I'm falling in love with myself; with who I am, who I’m trying to be and the life I'm creating for myself. I've got big plans for myself.

At the same time, I'm ready to share my life with someone. I'm ready for someone to join my routine. I want to come home to someone, cook for someone and have someone cook for me once in a while. I want to run and bike on the trail I've discovered with someone. I want to share all of what makes me happy by myself, with someone. In the past I wanted to be with someone as a distraction. A void needing to be filled. I think that's why they always turned into feeling like an obligation rather than something I enjoyed. I finally feel like I am content with my life, by my boring self, and I want someone to join my plan. And shit, help it out a bit. I don't want to do it alone forever. But even if they don't, I'm happy going at it alone.

All of this takes a lot for me to admit and put down in black and white. I've always wanted to be strong and act as if I am perfectly fine alone, always, in case that is what's in store for me.

Since The Ex, which I realized today is going on 4 years now (I realized I've been saying 2 years for the past 2 years), I've been broken. I've really tried to belittle the heartbreak he caused. How he broke more than just my heart but my spirit. I still think of him daily. I don't know if I'll ever have again what I had with him or if I'll ever love that way again, but I know that I want to. I want it. I want it all over again with someone who won't hurt me. I hope it's out there for me.

I'm no longer afraid of sounding pathetic and hopeless by saying these things. I no longer feel the need to have an attitude that says, I don't need a man. Because the truth is, I don't need a man. I'm happy without one. I'm already in love. But I'd like one.

A Divine 2009

I'm optimistic about this new year of 2009. Possibly this is simply because I am a relentlessly optimistic person by nature. Regardless, I am.

I am optimistic despite the fact that I've never felt more alone in my life. Alone in my social life, specifically, both sexes. Girlfriends, boyfriends; there's no discrimination.

I'm sure it goes without saying that I am in fact, single. My best friend and her long-time, fabulous boyfriend just got engaged on New Year's Eve. I am SO happy for them. Seriously. They're one of those amazing couples that compliment each other perfectly and have a wonderful, strong relationship. They're that couple you hang out with but never, not for one second, feel like a third wheel. Awesome in every sense. (Teensy bit depressed for little old me). Not showing it. Promise. The majority of my other friends, even my best guy friend most recently, are coupled up. I'm through with casual encounters. This feels good, but at times, baaaad. Painful even. The Ex is gone and gone for good this time. Restraining order boy is also done and done. Jimmy and I are friends, but strictly friends. Like I said, no casual encounters. New boy? Done.

So yep, that leaves me all by my lonesome. I stay in a lot lately. And I mean a lot. I stay in alone a lot. A lot. Except I go to the gym. Oh, an Target.

So why am I optimistic you ask? Well, there is no negativity in my life. There is no poison. The bad people are gone. The new people I choose to let into my life will be positive and I plan on being sure of that. As many of us do around this time, I feel as though I have a clean slate. The skeletons have been yanked, pulled, and drug out, (more times than necessary), and have been laid to a final rest. I've exhausted all opportunities that lie in my past. There are no unanswered questions left to explore in '09.

I've had my heart broken. But it's over. I've been betrayed, disappointed, let down. I plan to live smarter in the coming year. I rang in 2009 with new friends. Yes, it was awkward to get all dressed up in a cocktail dress, drive to the city, park, and walk to a house I'd never been, to a party that housed only one person I knew well and one other I'd met only once before, completely alone. Yes, it was odd. But I had a fabulous time. Everyone was so incredibly fun and friendly. (I realize alcohol was involved, but still). I accepted an invitation that I'm sure I would not have this same time last year.

They say the way you spend your New Year's Eve celebration is a reflection of how you will spend that new coming year, and I'd like to believe that I will spend 2009 stepping outside of my comfort zone, meeting new positive people, therefore allowing myself and my experiences to change. From new things comes change, and I've been stuck in a holding pattern expecting to find something new in the old. I stumbled upon a yearly horoscope for "the year ahead: 2009" and found this:

"Ditch your ideas about the way things ‘should’ be, because these will only stand in your way. It’s time to let go and experiment. Sometimes control isn’t possible."

And that's just what I plan to do. Call it my, I don't know, New Year's Resolution? Original, I know.

Happy New Year, all. Cheers.

Hiatus:

Ended.

Almost 3 months ago to the day I instituted a dating hiatus. If I'm being totally honest, (which I always am here if no where else), I thought it would be harder to keep than it was. Regardless, dating hiatus is coming to a close. This occurs simultaneously with my attempt to come out of hibernation....hmm, may be interesting.

I'm in no way on the prowl. I'm simply open to dating whereas I was closed before. And, whelp, I actually have a drink date tomorrow night. Just drinks. Ease myself back into the pool. The eager dater has already asked for a dinner date for Friday night, but whoa, let's see how drinks go first, buddy. (I actually said that in a joking manner. Totally serious though). Luckily my friends birthday is today so I told him I wasn't sure if she'd want to do something over the weekend since her birthday is during the week. That will be my out if tomorrow's drinks are a bust.

I'll be sure to report here. Who knows, I may be the groundhog again. One date and I'm back in the hole! We'll see :)

Counting Benjis

In this crazy economy, and by crazy what I really mean is awful, frustrating and depressing, I am trying to save money. It is not an easy feat. I'm sure I'm probably preaching to the choir.

Being a single girl in this economy is rough. (Even more so now that I've instituted this little dating hiatus). I envy my co workers and friends that can go shopping for the new season's clothes. I miss living in a home with someone and having dual incomes. I realize this is all a part of growing up and boy have I done a lot of growing in the past two years. I've made sacrifices and I keep on making them. I'm counting on them all paying off at one point. It's got to. I've gone back to my natural hair color and color it myself to ward off high priced salon color treatments. I get my hair cut at the Hair Cuttery for christ's sake! No more manis and pedis. My indulgements are Netflix and my gym membership. The occasional lunch trip to Chipotle. No shopping. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I stepped foot into a mall.

I must say I am proud of myself for at least being able to support myself while paying all of my bills, and still surviving. I joke that once my direct deposit hits my bank account I gotta hurry up and get rid of all of my money to pay rent, bills and loans, but thank god I have the money to pay all of those bills. To be able to live by myself without a roommate and support my two furry four-legged friends. Those two count on me doggone it! (Ignore that bad pun). But I'm doing it.

This dating hiatus has been a blessing. After getting over the initial bout of lonliness that I'm sure will resurface from time to time. But this is the first time in my life I've spent a significant amount of time by myself. I'm realizing this is me, this is it. At least for now. And that's okay. I am capable. I need to live like this is how it could always be. It's amazing to me how much I continue to learn and grow. I've realized that I have no idea what I want. I cannot committ to anything when it comes to guys. Not even dinner. Even if I manage to committ to dinner I can't committ to a time, a place. I have issues. And that's okay. I've been dating as if I want something more, but I don't. Then I wind up ditching these guys once they start to talk about exclusivitey. I like the possibility of a guy, but once I have him the possibility is gone and therefore so is my interest. So dating hiatus has been a great idea and it is a plan I'm sticking with for a while. And I'm not going to decide to get off of the hiatus because I meet a guy. I need to be off of it because I'm ready to be and if I meet a guy AFTER that, fab.

So now here I am focused on saving. I'd like to get out of my one-bedroom apartment and buy a house. How awesome would it be if I could do that on my own? I'm gonna try. Who says I can't?