August 16, 2008

Bittersweet revelations

February 17, 2008

A minor setback taught me what I already knew. God knows I usually need to be taught more than once—especially when it comes to The Ex. After much resistance (and I swear I resisted), I agreed to go out with The Ex on Valentine’s Day. And I didn’t even agree until the day of. It was Valentine’s Day; I am a sort of natural, hopeless romantic, so the day made me do it. I agreed. God the boy tried for at least a month!

Whelp, in true form he stood me up. I mean, basically he stood me up. In pure "The Ex" style he just had to take a nap before and just had to have me call and wake him up. That kid takes more naps than a two year old. As usual when I called him he didn’t answer and then seemingly turned his phone off, and from what I can assume, continued to sleep. Luckily I was smart enough to stop getting ready at that point. Luckily all I managed to do was all of my makeup and my hair before I stopped and proceeded to clean my bathroom sink and mirror both of which were long overdue. Not until 8:30 (an hour and half after he was supposed to wake up, a half hour after he was supposed to have picked me up and one hour before our reservation), did I call Jen to report the utter embarrassment. Of course I was praised for not going (she had literally yelled at me when I told her I was considering going which in my terms means “I’m going”), before I told her that I could not accept any of the credit for not having gone.

Of course he called while I was on the phone with Jen and line for line delivered what I told Jen he would. He overslept, he accidentally turned off his phone, he’s so sorry, we can still go, he’s on his way, he'll be here in 20, blah, blah, blah. But I stood firm and did not give in. I did not go. It wasn’t until I hung up the phone with him that I began to cry, immediately. And there I sat. On Valentine’s Day, a year and half after the brake up, sitting alone on the phone with my girlfriend crying over his sorry ass, on Valentine's Day, all the while knowing he would just take someone else to that dinner because he had reservations and another couple was going. He couldn’t just not show up with someone because that would look bad. Fucker.

I am mad at myself letting him in as little as I did. I know better and I’ve come a long way; I deserve much better. I allowed myself to have faith in him for a second and I am angry with myself for it. But a higher power—a divine intervention intervened. Thankfully The Ex showed that he had not changed before I had the chance to do anything stupid – before I even saw him. Done and done. No more friendly conversations. We’re not friends.

I am not going to be too hard on myself because all of this was new. This was the first time that I had ever dealt with him trying to get back with me. Putting the words out there that I had wanted to hear for over a year. I am learning as I’m going and sometimes I take the long way in getting where I need to be. As I am faced with new things I am learning how to respond. Things have always been difficult for me when it comes to him. So I took in what he said since it was all so new to me because I loved him, but when he proved to be just slightly similar to who I remember, I’m done. Sometimes we need to make the wrong decisions before we make the right ones. But it could’ve been so much worse. If I weren’t as strong as I was, worse things could have definitely happened. I handled it all with class.

The only positive thing that comes from all of this is the realization that I have a huge, unconditionally loving, resilient heart. I am incredibly forgiving, and my faith in people can be shaken but doesn't deteriorate. I can’t imagine how fabulous those things will be when I apply them to the right person.

So I’m letting go. And not just of The Ex, although that is completely overdue, I am letting go of all the men of my past. John is gone and I miss him, but it’s for the better. The Ex is gone and needs to be. Even Brandon. After going to dinner with him last Saturday I realized how immature he is and how pointless it is for me to hang out with him. He has no idea how to treat a woman. I am done with thinking I made a mistake giving up on Alan. I know that it would never work out between him and I; we are too different. But I am happy to have experienced him. Although intense, he is a mature man who knows how to communicate how he feels and how to treat a woman the way she deserves to be treated. He is the first guy I’ve dated since The Ex, and dare I say as an adult woman, who did so. Technically I’ve only dated two new guys since The Ex– Brandon and Alan. Brandon was a 23-year-old baby. I met The Ex when I was 20. So he at least showed me what I should be experiencing and I won’t be wasting any more time with anything else. I will continue to hang out with him as it is understood that we are simply friends. As long as that remains true, we can remain friends.

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