August 26, 2009

What a difference a talk makes

First and foremost, thank you to all who commented or emailed me about my previous post.

With that said, following my post I immediately started bickering with the boy. Fighting. Not realizing at the time why. After bickering with him Friday night so much so, that I told him I didn’t want to move anything at all I just wanted to chill at my place alone, I realized I was fighting with him out of fear. The fighting was making me more afraid. “I” being the common denominator in all of this. I am doing it all to myself and to him and I. I can’t continue to sabotage us or there will be no more us.

I went over there Saturday unannounced. I used my key. He was in the shower. I went in the bathroom and sat on the edge of the garden tub. I poured it all out. I told him what I was doing and why. How I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was sorry. He sat down in the shower and listened. He let me finish. Then he told me it would work. We will make it work. It’ll be hard at times. It’ll be bad sometimes. But he wants the bad with the good. He wants it all. And so do I. The second I started to cry he came out of the shower soaking wet, picked me up and hugged me. I was fully dressed and couldn’t have cared less. Then we made up.

I must say, time and time again I underestimate him. I forget that with him I don’t have to keep all of my feelings and fears inside. I don’t have to fight with him in order to give myself space to figure things out. I can tell him I want some “me” time and he’lll say “OK.” I can talk to him about what is on my mind and he will listen. More than listen he will help. He will make the fear go away. It is going to take me a while to get used to how easy this can be if I just open up instead of trying to face it all on my own. It’s not my nature to look to anyone for reassurance or help. But I’m learning…

August 13, 2009

First setback

I experienced my first freak out today. One that has postponed my planned move in date with the boy.

Today was the planned day for me to take Otis, my older dog, to my parent’s place to stay temporarily during the move and settling process.

SIDENOTE: Otie has never handled change well. He stresses, and when he stresses he gets sick. Poor guy. He’s always been my special boy…even at less than a year old. He grew up at my parent’s place with my parent’s dogs so it is like his second home. My parent’s place is sort of a hotel for animals (all walks—they have 13 acres) so he’ll be happy as a clam. Much happier than he’ll be with the chaos of moving. END SIDENOTE.

So the plan was to take Otis to the ‘rents place tonight so we could do the big, final move this weekend and settle. I’d have next weekend to clean my place and paint back the one accent wall I painted “Merlot” and the following weekend to tie up any loose ends and turn in my keys on Monday the 31st.Golden. Not so much.

Last night I found myself thinking, “This is the last time I’m going to sleep in this bed, alone, with Otis.” “This is the last late-night walk we’re going to go on in this neighborhood.” Can’t lie, at one point I laid on the floor talking to him, petting him and crying a little. Then today I thought, “This is the last time we’re going to go on these long after-work walks in this neighborhood” “This is the last time things will be simple, just me and my boy.”

Basically, I’ve felt like everything I’m doing is for the last time, as if him or I are dying tomorrow. Minutes after hanging up the phone with my mom telling her I’m on my way, I broke into tears, called her back, and said I wasn’t coming. I’m not ready, I’ll do it next weekend. I want to spend one more week with him. Here. Why so soon? Why am I rushing? I can move next weekend, and clean, and paint. Sure. Just one more week in my one bedroom apartment with my boy. Freak. Out.

With me, there’s always a deeper issue. Yes, I feel bad leaving my boy. Valid. I feel like I am abandoning him. But it’s temporary. Yes, he’ll have to adjust to the new diggs, new dogs, but he’s a dog. He’ll do it. So what’s really going on? Whelp, this is an ending for me, and and ending for me and Otis. It will no longer be just me and my boy. It has been him and I for the past 3 years (minus the past couple months since we’ve added Miss. Harlow to the mix). It took me a while to get used to it. Then even longer to imagine it any other way. He’s been with me through some tough times. He laid beside me on the nights I cried on the floor. He stuck his wet nose on me on the days I didn’t want to get out of bed. He has been my rock. I feel like we pulled through the break up of my past 5-year relationship together, we learned to live on our own together, (and now I feel like a retard for being so sentimental about my dog as if he’s a person, but it is what it is). My ex gave me Otis as a gift. We were Mommy and Daddy. But we moved on. Together.

I’m proud of myself for getting over the heartbreak and learning to live on my own. It was rough. Extreme ups and downs. At times it felt like hell and boy was it a learning experience. One I’d never trade. One I’d do all over again.

I guess I’m just a little afraid to let it all end. Up until this point I’ve been nothing but excited about this move. Now me, true to form, rethink everything. I know the boy is afraid I’m going to back out. I know he is. I’m not going to. But I am afraid. I’m sad to say goodbye to the life I’ve created for myself, alone. Is it OK to be happy for my future but sad to say goodbye to my past?

Ugh, I just don’t want to say goodbye to my boy. Even temporarily. In my eyes, he represents so much to me. More than just a wrinkly cuddle bug and a cold, wet nose.

So tonight was my first setback. Question is, will it be my last?

August 10, 2009

Crunch time

It has finally hit me.

This week is officially my last week in my apartment. More importantly, this is my last week living alone. Time to say goodbye to my quiet, calm routine. No more just me and the pups.

Oh my gosh…it’s all really settling in.

Can’t deny the fact that I’m freaking out just a wee bit over the loss of all my precious “me” time. I realize I’m gaining a lot in the trade and I still will have time to myself. It’s just the changes that will occur with going from having lived alone for 3 years to living with someone, (and that someone being a guy) makes me slightly nervous.

Breathe Laura. Just breathe.

In honor of this revelation, I've done what I do best. That's right, I've created a list.

Things that will not change just because I am moving in with my boyfriend and quite possibly fear his judgment:

  • Eating cereal at night and sometimes for dinner. And not just any cereal, sugary, bad-for-me cereal like my favs: Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Pebbles and Honey Nut Cheerios.
  • Watching cheesy movies on ABC Family on the weekends.
  • Having a window near me slightly open even though the air conditioning is on just because I like to feel a natural breeze.
  • Singing to the dogs. Most of which are songs I’ve made up.
  • Stopping at Target on the way home from work at least 2-3 times a week because I “need” something. I just do!
  • Listening to my “All time FAViPod mix which consists of embarrassing songs from the 80s, some Disney tunes and a lot of Dirty Dancing and Grease tracks.
  • Macaroni and Cheese and chicken fingers for dinner on nights I’m lazy and just want to eat what I want to eat.
  • Running in the AM - no boy will keep me in bed! (OK, sometimes).
  • Taking the dogs on daily walks even though I now would have the luxury of a fenced in yard. They need their walks.
  • Popping in old Sex and The City episodes and sometimes the movie whenever I see fit.
  • Listening to old school hip hop and ghetto rap while I get ready to go out. And if I’m being honest, dancing a bit in the process.
  • Visiting the library more than any normal person should and at times emailing with my librarian.
  • Having the TV on mute while I read on the couch and sometimes have my iPod playing. Just because I can.
  • And finally, not because he’ll judge me but for me, I do not want to change the amount of time I spend with my girlfriends and on things I do for myself. May sound easy but it’s always been my biggest obstacle. In the past I’ve allowed boyfriends to become my whole world. Now, I’d like him to be a large part of it and keep my other parts in tact.