January 2, 2007
I have come to the unsettling conclusion that I have no idea what I want. Not exactly, not indefinitely. I know what I want at any given, specific moment but inevitably that want will change to something directly opposing. My wants are constantly evolving. At times I want contradictory things. Like Erica Jong, I constantly battle with the two halves of myself that require different needs and have different wants. One half is fulfilled only at the expense of other while that other is merely suppressed—only to resurface and want its needs met with time. My wants change almost daily, but definitely weekly. This is a definite problem when others are involved in my life. Guys specifically because this is the change that is always occurring; what I want in the realm of the opposite sex. The only conclusion I can rest on is that I just do not know what it is that I want right now.
This would be okay if I weren’t taking other people along in the wake of my ever-changing mind—if actual people’s feelings weren’t being affected.
Will I ever settle? Will there come a time that I’ll know what I want and remain content or will I always be evolving and changing, restless? Right now I’d give my right arm to know what I want and stick with it.
“I've become a real believer in not defining every single thing. Seems like every time you think you've figured out what something is, it just becomes something else. Just live.”