August 20, 2008

Just letting it happen...

Follow your heart. Don't worry about what other's think or say. What's meant to be will be. Dont' be afraid to take a chance. It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. So many cliches, so little time.

Is there truth to any of them? Is there something to be said for making spontaneous decisions rather than carefully thought out "smart" ones? Should everything be done in a respectable sequence? Do following the unspoken relationship rules equal pure and utter bliss while coloring outside the lines will surely lead to disaster and regret?

I'm pretty sure no one knows the answer to these questions but more than likely have asked them to themselves, their girlfriends, and/or their significant others. None of which have ever had the answer. Time is the only answer. Oh, how time will tell.

For the past two years I've been the careful, cautious, calculating one. The 3Cs. Wow.

I've been living in hiding. Tiptoeing around relationships. Testing the water but ultimately deciding I'd rather hang back and stay dry. I've been following quite the script. A routine I've got down for sure and what's more boring then a one woman routine?

Maybe it's time to throw all caution to the wind. Be spontaneous. Take a chance. Live a little. Let things get a bit messy, remind myself I'm really living.

Jimmy has suggested moving in together. Crazy, I know. Sudden, quick, yes. Possible disaster? Definitely. I feel crazy just writing this. I feel the judgment. Sitting alone at my computer typing, I feel myself being judged.

My initial reaction is no. Duh. Crazy, psycho babble this boy is talking. He is not serious. He's serious though. He looks hurt when I bring up all of the worries, what ifs, and assumptions. His eyes start to roll. Leave it up to me to muck up an exciting idea with worries. He doesn't care. He doesn't agree. We're together anyway, right? Is his reaction. You said you wanted something real, something serious. Just sleep on it, he says.

Maybe I need to take a chance. Maybe it's time I go out on the wire and go after something I keep saying I want. Time to follow up some of this talking with some action. It doesn't have to be permanent. If it doesn't work, he can move it. Yes, he can be the one to move out. I know this isn't the attitude you should have going into something like this, but it's true.

The more I think about it the more I like the idea. I understand how crazy it seems but I'm not sure I care. I worried more about moving in with John who I'd known for 12+ years. Ken asked me to move in with him and I didn't even entertain the thought. What's with guys being so quick to co-habitate these days anyway? Seriously.

Well, it's not a definite. It's a possibility. It may not ever happen. But I realize, I'd be okay with it. We'll see how this thing plays out.

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