August 17, 2008

Point of no return

July 11, 2008

It's probably because I have issues with getting close to someone. That has to be it. I am only open to a certain point. I can pretend for a short period of time but once it comes down to it, I clam up. I flake. I'm bluffing the entire time. I don't do it intentionally. I swear. But try too hard to see me, be with; talk to me, or even talk about being with me, and the fear is instantly magnified. I've learned it's hard to come back from that point once it's been reached. Ultimately the point of no return will be reached and it's just a matter of time before it is. I like it take a while to get there, but often I'm in the minority in my relationships when it comes to that issue. Nothing good comes from the "lets slow it down" talk. Nothing. I thought girls were the ones who were supposed to want these relationship things.

That's why I love beginnings. I don't have to worry about any of that messy stuff yet. I can be as charming and fun as I want to be. I can be anything and anyone that I want for a period of time. I like getting them hooked. I enjoy it. Shit, I expect them to. If they don't, I'm offended and damn it, I take it personally. As soon as they are though, I'm turned off. The second they want/expect things like time from me I can't find the door quick enough. Talking of my lack of priorities instantly triggers my planning of an exit strategy that could somehow still keep our relationship on good terms. The beginning only lasts for so long and there's no universal length for that term. It's definitely shorter with some people, case and point, Ken. I especially hate when that happens. I love to stretch the beginning out for as long as I can so as to avoid reaching the messy, difficult part where things start to get real. Why else would I have issues with bringing/letting guys come to my place? It’s the closeness of it. Allowing them to enter my world. Was I always this way or is it because of The Ex? It's hard to tell really since before The Ex I was only 20 and didn't date in the "real world." I dated in high school before him. I lived at home before him. Things are different when you're out on your own and an adult. So, maybe this is how I'd be regardless of the fact that my heart was broken.

Either way, take me to the seriousness too soon and I'll be sure to push you away. All the while acting like I want to hold on because I'm always afraid to let go because God forbid I could be giving up something that could potentially be good once I am in fact ready for something good. What happened to dating? Courting? Hello? Can't we just date for a while and have fun without settling down and spending every weekend night possibly week night together cooking out and cuddling on the couch watching movies? So what if I want to dress up and go out with you. So what if I want you to wine and dine me for a bit.

I act like these are things that I want when they are unattainable. The second there's a chance I could get "what I want," I find things wrong with it. I find reasons why it will not, cannot, work and why I have to begin to make my exit. I'd much rather be in the midst of disaster, heartache. Let me nestle with it longer. Can I stay in the pickle a bit longer, please? I'm not ready to be happy with a guy. I'm just not. So there in begins the conversations of how they don't see me enough, they're not a priority; I need to open up, what's going on in my head, why did I change? Ugh freaking UGH. And why does it always happen so quickly for me when there are plenty of girls out there who actually want all of that behavior? Give it to the girl who wants it guys!

Of course, simultaneously, here I am shamelessly hooked on a guy who isn't the way described above at all. This could be the basis of his appeal to me but I've given up on trying to find justification for the feelings that I feel for him. They are just there and they're not going anywhere anytime soon. I'm dealing with it. I am dealing with the fact that everything makes me think of him no matter where I am, whom I'm with, or what I'm doing. He affects my mood. It's been a long time since a guy has been able to affect my mood and that guy had been my boyfriend for years. This guy hasn't been or done anything significant for me. Yet I have this amazing crush on him. I refuse to describe it as anything more than a silly crush that I just cannot seem to shake. I freaking dream about him. I hate it. I do all the things I wouldn't normally do because I can't help it. There is absolutely no reason for this behavior! No justification. I can't think of one thing about him that makes me want him so much. Why is he so appealing to me? It drives me completely insane. He's seemingly unattainable. I could've had him at one point and I fucked it up. Its reminiscent of how I felt for John when we were younger. How I just wanted to keep him still for a while. Just the thought of being able to keep him for a little while appealed to me so much but at the same time seemed so impossible. He never gives me enough. I always want more. I wish I knew all of this back when he was all about me. When he called me his girl my only response was, I'm not your girl. I wish I could take that back. I wish I knew then that I should've cut off all of the stupid, silly guys that were texting me. I wish I could've done it then and been able to try being with him. Back when he cared. When he got upset and told me that he did. Back when he would call me baby and all he wanted was for me to stay with him. He'd beg me to just spend the night with him. He'd ask me over and over if we were together just because he couldn't believe it. I wish I could have those days and nights back. I was so cocky with it. He was just another guy who fell too hard and too fast that I had to quickly shake.

Now the real question is if I did have him back this way, would I push him away again like I did with him and like i do with all of the others? Do I only think I want all of that back because I don't have it? Hmm...I wonder.

All I know is that I'm fucked up.

"Right now, in this moment, we have love. It will leave, and it will come again, and when it does I'll give up everything and take it. Just like an addict. Like dry grass in new rain. It's not something I'm proud of, necessarily. Then again, maybe I am. That's it, I guess. That's all I know."

-Katie Crouch

No comments: