August 25, 2008

Left wanting more

I woke up at around 3am last night and for the life of me, I couldn't go back to sleep. My mind just kept going. Could I not sleep because my mind wouldn't stop or would my mind not stop because I couldn't sleep? I'm not sure. I know that it was thoughts of Jimmy that were occupying my mind. He's the first thing I think of every time I wake up, whether it be in the middle of the night or the morning. He is who I'm thinking of when I check my phone to see if I have any missed calls or texts, always hopeful.

What monopolized my mind were thoughts of talking to him about us. What should I say, should I say anything, is it too soon, should I wait a little longer?

It's been a week and a couple days since he said he was grown, ready, and asked if I'd be willing to give him another shot. Not that long, I know. Factor in that Monday was his first day in the fire fighter's academy, and there's no mystery as to why he's been exhausted working two jobs. The academy has been a major adjustment. I know working until 2am Fri, Sat, and Sun at his second job takes a toll on top of that. I guess I've just wanted this for what feels like forever and having him say he wanted the same thing had me wanting it even more. And wanting it right away.

I'll give it to him, the spare time that he does have that isn't spent sleeping, seems to be time he tries to spend with me. He's not going out with his friends. He's not just hanging out anywhere. He calls me everyday. When something major happens that makes him upset or worried, he calls me. I'm that call.

This weekend was the first weekend since we've decided to "see what happens." On Friday he worked from 7am-4pm at the academy then had to go directly to his second job where he worked from 4pm until 2am. He texted me while working his second job and said that he missed me and hopes I know that and he couldn't wait to see me soon. He called me on his way home from his second job but it was 2am, I was in bed, and didn't really talk to him.

On Saturday after going to the gym he came to the pool with me. How he even woke up at a decent hour after a Friday like that, I have no idea. I'm tired just thinking of his schedule. He had to leave to go to his second job at 3:30. Not much time. We went back to his place, took a shower (and stuff), and then took a nap together with his phone alarm set so he could get up and go to work. I had dinner plans with my friend and needed to head home to get ready anyway. He called me at 8pm from work to see what I was doing and let me know how great earlier was and he couldn't stop thinking about it. Then again around 10ish when he's not supposed to talk on the phone at all. I put it out there and said I'd like to stay with him that night. He said if he wasn't too tired. Not the answer I wanted. And he did call me when he got home, but he didn't mention my coming over or him coming to me, so neither did I.

So I understand he's so busy and tired, but that was the gist of the time we spent together this weekend. And that's not enough for me.

I'm contemplating giving him an out (one I hope he does not take). Just asking if he felt he was right long ago when he said he was so busy and didn't have the extra time to be seeing someone. Is it too quick to jump to that? Should I wait a while and let him get used to the academy? I don't want to be an added pressure. That's why I rarely call him. I let him call me. For the most part I don't ask to see him, I let him come to me. But it's difficult. I feel myself holding back and biting my tongue because I want more. I just remember how I felt when Ken would tell me he wanted more. Ugh, it was a pain in the ass. It pushed me away. I don't want to do that. I would never go about it the way Ken did, but I also don't want to go about it in a way that makes it sound like I don't care (which I always manage to do with guys). I also don't want him to be feeling for me what I felt for Ken.

It all comes down to the fact that I really like him. I don't want his answer to be yes, it seems I just don't have the time, sorry. I don't want that. Should I really ask a question on the basis that I'm only hoping to receive one answer? If I'm going to get a different answer then I don't want to say anything. I'm just torn. I feel like a stupid schoolgirl. Pathetic. Hmph.

In other news, the ex-haircutting personal trainer at my gym called yesterday in an attempt to make our dinner plans. My strategy was to answer when he called and just tell him that I had been seeing someone and recently has gotten serious, sorry, bad timing. This is strictly because I'm not interested in him, it has nothing to do with Jimmy. Swear. Unfortunately, I missed his call. He left me the longest voice mail in the history of voice mails, but ended saying he'd be at the gym tonight. Great. Now I've got to do it in person. I hate confrontation.

I would've called him a back last night, but I went to visit The Ex at his mother's since he recently had surgery and has been and will be laid up for quite a while, and I was there when he had called. Again, there is no emotion attached to seeing him but I still get jealous when he tells me that his ex came up and visited him the night before and spent the night. Why do I get jealous if I don't have feelings for him? I say nothing by the way, I just feel it internally and curse myself for it. I have love for him but it feels like a family-type love. It's all very odd. It was nice to hang out with him and his mom. Mostly his mom. I miss his family. She still has a picture of him and I in a frame in the living room on the bookshelf where all of her children and their significant others are framed. Why not the most recent ex? I like that it was me, not gonna lie. Bad picture, one of us I took myself while we were in Punta Cana, but it was us so I was happy. I win! I commented on it to him, he said he had to turn it around when his ex came over the night before. I got jealous again. I stayed for dinner and that was it. No biggie.

As soon as I got in my car to leave I thought of Jimmy again.

Why can't there be guarantees in life?

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