Company is comforting

Good to know there are others who feel as I do. I can't explain how I fell (well), but this person did, and apparently an entire tumblr. is dedicated to people like us. So there's an audience! I feel a teensy bit better about this. From: http://ilovehateyou.tumblr.com.

This is for the people that care too much. The people who want too much, and at the same time want nothing at all. At least we want to want that. We want to walk away, we want to say no, we want to forget everything, and we want to be detached and not care.

Unfortunately, we can’t walk away. We say yes, and we remember every single little fucking detail, more clearly, and more vividly than when it happened. We are attached.

And we couldn’t care more.

Other quotes that are speaking to me today:

"I pair up with these male versions of myself so that I don't have to acknowledge my own fear of making a serious commitment."

-Wendy Merrill.

Welcome to my brain, Wendy.

And:

“You have the idea that you should be mating for life, but that is not what you really want. You aren’t dealing with the fact that you don’t want more, or you wouldn’t have been with these guys to begin with. When you really want something more, you will have it. In the meantime, please be less hard on yourself, and try to enjoy it.”

-I copied this from a book I was reading, but failed to note the author. My bad.

p.s. Just in case you're missing the connection between the photo and title, these are my comfort foods. Mmmm.

Falling in love.

Have I got your attention? I thought so.

Well, I'm a dirty little trickster.

Lately, I've noticed that I'm happy with my small, quiet, singular life. My routine, my dog, grocery shopping, decorating, reading. Making lists, setting goals, planning. All very boring I know. I go out, don't get me wrong but I gotta admit, I don't have nearly as much fun as I used to out in the bar scene. I guess that's expected.

But regardless, I've been finding fun in the un-fun. I've been attempting to make plans for myself. I've noticed lately that I feel happy doing the mundane but could not figure out why. I mean come on, these things are not exciting. Then, it hit me. I'm falling in love. I'm falling in love with myself; with who I am, who I’m trying to be and the life I'm creating for myself. I've got big plans for myself.

At the same time, I'm ready to share my life with someone. I'm ready for someone to join my routine. I want to come home to someone, cook for someone and have someone cook for me once in a while. I want to run and bike on the trail I've discovered with someone. I want to share all of what makes me happy by myself, with someone. In the past I wanted to be with someone as a distraction. A void needing to be filled. I think that's why they always turned into feeling like an obligation rather than something I enjoyed. I finally feel like I am content with my life, by my boring self, and I want someone to join my plan. And shit, help it out a bit. I don't want to do it alone forever. But even if they don't, I'm happy going at it alone.

All of this takes a lot for me to admit and put down in black and white. I've always wanted to be strong and act as if I am perfectly fine alone, always, in case that is what's in store for me.

Since The Ex, which I realized today is going on 4 years now (I realized I've been saying 2 years for the past 2 years), I've been broken. I've really tried to belittle the heartbreak he caused. How he broke more than just my heart but my spirit. I still think of him daily. I don't know if I'll ever have again what I had with him or if I'll ever love that way again, but I know that I want to. I want it. I want it all over again with someone who won't hurt me. I hope it's out there for me.

I'm no longer afraid of sounding pathetic and hopeless by saying these things. I no longer feel the need to have an attitude that says, I don't need a man. Because the truth is, I don't need a man. I'm happy without one. I'm already in love. But I'd like one.

Wee bit o' background

I am a twenty-something single girl who loves to write. I write solely for myself. I find it incredibly therapeutic. I could be completely and utterly confused about a situation and just the simple act of sitting down and flushing out the randomness that is in my head leads me to my conclusion. Usually. I pay no attention to punctuation being used correctly, (so I apologize in advance if the lack of expertise annoys some readers), spelling, or tenses. I just write. Wow, I just assumed people will actually read this.

Once upon a time I used to write by hand. Journaling I always called it simply because I loathe the term diary. Ugh. I felt writing by hand was so much more personal than typing away at a keyboard. Well, I've since put that theory to rest and type all of my brain dumps onto my laptop. Honestly, if a thought hits me and I'm at work type it up in an email and send it to myself then transfer it over later. If I'm nowhere near a computer I pull out my Palm and type whatever I'm thinking into the memos section. It's weird, I know, but it's what I do.

So I've been journaling in Microsoft word for over a year now and I guess I'm ready to take the next step and put it all out there. Why not, ya know? The thing is, I thought I'd start where the document on my computer starts so the first entries I post are going to be old. I will bring it all up to date so I can eventually start blogging about present day. For a bit this blog will be a mix of journal entries, quotes, song lyrics, photos, etc. Anything that catches my eye really. Hence, sheer randomness.

Tiny tidbit, names of men have been changed in an attempt to remain anonymous. The Ex will always be referred to as such; The Ex. (I think this is my subconscious not wanting him to somehow telepathically feel pleasure/know that I am writing/thinking about him. I apologize in advance if this causes confusion but let's be serious, whose life isn't confusing?

"How can I know what I think unless I see what I write? My writing is the submarine or spaceship which takes me to the unknown worlds within my head. And the adventure is endless and inexhaustible. If I learn to build the right vehicle, then I can discover even more territories."
-Erica Jong