John

January 31, 2008

John. Since I met him at the age of 16 there has always been something about John and I. Do I love him? I’d know it if I did right—because I wouldn’t have to even ask that question, right? Sometimes I’m not so sure. The unsureness usually occurs right around the time that being with him opens up be a real option. Yet when I have the option to be with him, I don’t take it. Shit, I’m terrified of it.

When I’m with him, eliminating the prospect of other guys, I feel like he’s not enough. Am I terrified to be with him because of the heartbreak from the ex? Am I not sure that it’s love because it’s not like the love I felt for the ex? He loves me. He cries for me. He wants to rearrange his life for me. Those are all things that I want a man to do for me. I’m afraid I won’t fall in love and find someone before I’m too old. Am I throwing away someone who loves me that I may even love? A love that is merely different than the first love I experienced? That’s another issue that I’m afraid I will always deal with. I fell head over heels in true love with the ex. I’m sure I’ll never love anyone that way again. No two loves are ever the same anyway. Am I always going to compare every feeling I have for a man to the crazy, ridiculous, consuming, head over heels love I felt for the ex? If so, I can’t imagine how anything will ever add up.