August 26, 2009

What a difference a talk makes

First and foremost, thank you to all who commented or emailed me about my previous post.

With that said, following my post I immediately started bickering with the boy. Fighting. Not realizing at the time why. After bickering with him Friday night so much so, that I told him I didn’t want to move anything at all I just wanted to chill at my place alone, I realized I was fighting with him out of fear. The fighting was making me more afraid. “I” being the common denominator in all of this. I am doing it all to myself and to him and I. I can’t continue to sabotage us or there will be no more us.

I went over there Saturday unannounced. I used my key. He was in the shower. I went in the bathroom and sat on the edge of the garden tub. I poured it all out. I told him what I was doing and why. How I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was sorry. He sat down in the shower and listened. He let me finish. Then he told me it would work. We will make it work. It’ll be hard at times. It’ll be bad sometimes. But he wants the bad with the good. He wants it all. And so do I. The second I started to cry he came out of the shower soaking wet, picked me up and hugged me. I was fully dressed and couldn’t have cared less. Then we made up.

I must say, time and time again I underestimate him. I forget that with him I don’t have to keep all of my feelings and fears inside. I don’t have to fight with him in order to give myself space to figure things out. I can tell him I want some “me” time and he’lll say “OK.” I can talk to him about what is on my mind and he will listen. More than listen he will help. He will make the fear go away. It is going to take me a while to get used to how easy this can be if I just open up instead of trying to face it all on my own. It’s not my nature to look to anyone for reassurance or help. But I’m learning…

August 13, 2009

First setback

I experienced my first freak out today. One that has postponed my planned move in date with the boy.

Today was the planned day for me to take Otis, my older dog, to my parent’s place to stay temporarily during the move and settling process.

SIDENOTE: Otie has never handled change well. He stresses, and when he stresses he gets sick. Poor guy. He’s always been my special boy…even at less than a year old. He grew up at my parent’s place with my parent’s dogs so it is like his second home. My parent’s place is sort of a hotel for animals (all walks—they have 13 acres) so he’ll be happy as a clam. Much happier than he’ll be with the chaos of moving. END SIDENOTE.

So the plan was to take Otis to the ‘rents place tonight so we could do the big, final move this weekend and settle. I’d have next weekend to clean my place and paint back the one accent wall I painted “Merlot” and the following weekend to tie up any loose ends and turn in my keys on Monday the 31st.Golden. Not so much.

Last night I found myself thinking, “This is the last time I’m going to sleep in this bed, alone, with Otis.” “This is the last late-night walk we’re going to go on in this neighborhood.” Can’t lie, at one point I laid on the floor talking to him, petting him and crying a little. Then today I thought, “This is the last time we’re going to go on these long after-work walks in this neighborhood” “This is the last time things will be simple, just me and my boy.”

Basically, I’ve felt like everything I’m doing is for the last time, as if him or I are dying tomorrow. Minutes after hanging up the phone with my mom telling her I’m on my way, I broke into tears, called her back, and said I wasn’t coming. I’m not ready, I’ll do it next weekend. I want to spend one more week with him. Here. Why so soon? Why am I rushing? I can move next weekend, and clean, and paint. Sure. Just one more week in my one bedroom apartment with my boy. Freak. Out.

With me, there’s always a deeper issue. Yes, I feel bad leaving my boy. Valid. I feel like I am abandoning him. But it’s temporary. Yes, he’ll have to adjust to the new diggs, new dogs, but he’s a dog. He’ll do it. So what’s really going on? Whelp, this is an ending for me, and and ending for me and Otis. It will no longer be just me and my boy. It has been him and I for the past 3 years (minus the past couple months since we’ve added Miss. Harlow to the mix). It took me a while to get used to it. Then even longer to imagine it any other way. He’s been with me through some tough times. He laid beside me on the nights I cried on the floor. He stuck his wet nose on me on the days I didn’t want to get out of bed. He has been my rock. I feel like we pulled through the break up of my past 5-year relationship together, we learned to live on our own together, (and now I feel like a retard for being so sentimental about my dog as if he’s a person, but it is what it is). My ex gave me Otis as a gift. We were Mommy and Daddy. But we moved on. Together.

I’m proud of myself for getting over the heartbreak and learning to live on my own. It was rough. Extreme ups and downs. At times it felt like hell and boy was it a learning experience. One I’d never trade. One I’d do all over again.

I guess I’m just a little afraid to let it all end. Up until this point I’ve been nothing but excited about this move. Now me, true to form, rethink everything. I know the boy is afraid I’m going to back out. I know he is. I’m not going to. But I am afraid. I’m sad to say goodbye to the life I’ve created for myself, alone. Is it OK to be happy for my future but sad to say goodbye to my past?

Ugh, I just don’t want to say goodbye to my boy. Even temporarily. In my eyes, he represents so much to me. More than just a wrinkly cuddle bug and a cold, wet nose.

So tonight was my first setback. Question is, will it be my last?

August 10, 2009

Crunch time

It has finally hit me.

This week is officially my last week in my apartment. More importantly, this is my last week living alone. Time to say goodbye to my quiet, calm routine. No more just me and the pups.

Oh my gosh…it’s all really settling in.

Can’t deny the fact that I’m freaking out just a wee bit over the loss of all my precious “me” time. I realize I’m gaining a lot in the trade and I still will have time to myself. It’s just the changes that will occur with going from having lived alone for 3 years to living with someone, (and that someone being a guy) makes me slightly nervous.

Breathe Laura. Just breathe.

In honor of this revelation, I've done what I do best. That's right, I've created a list.

Things that will not change just because I am moving in with my boyfriend and quite possibly fear his judgment:

  • Eating cereal at night and sometimes for dinner. And not just any cereal, sugary, bad-for-me cereal like my favs: Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Pebbles and Honey Nut Cheerios.
  • Watching cheesy movies on ABC Family on the weekends.
  • Having a window near me slightly open even though the air conditioning is on just because I like to feel a natural breeze.
  • Singing to the dogs. Most of which are songs I’ve made up.
  • Stopping at Target on the way home from work at least 2-3 times a week because I “need” something. I just do!
  • Listening to my “All time FAViPod mix which consists of embarrassing songs from the 80s, some Disney tunes and a lot of Dirty Dancing and Grease tracks.
  • Macaroni and Cheese and chicken fingers for dinner on nights I’m lazy and just want to eat what I want to eat.
  • Running in the AM - no boy will keep me in bed! (OK, sometimes).
  • Taking the dogs on daily walks even though I now would have the luxury of a fenced in yard. They need their walks.
  • Popping in old Sex and The City episodes and sometimes the movie whenever I see fit.
  • Listening to old school hip hop and ghetto rap while I get ready to go out. And if I’m being honest, dancing a bit in the process.
  • Visiting the library more than any normal person should and at times emailing with my librarian.
  • Having the TV on mute while I read on the couch and sometimes have my iPod playing. Just because I can.
  • And finally, not because he’ll judge me but for me, I do not want to change the amount of time I spend with my girlfriends and on things I do for myself. May sound easy but it’s always been my biggest obstacle. In the past I’ve allowed boyfriends to become my whole world. Now, I’d like him to be a large part of it and keep my other parts in tact.

July 17, 2009

These are my confessions

I must confess, I’ve been keeping something from you my friends. This is probably already clear considering my cryptic previous post. Whelp, I'm here to shed a wee bit of light.

I’ve been seeing someone during my one-month hiatus and it just got serious. We’ve decided to move in together. We almost made the leap this time a year ago but I freaked out and renewed my lease at the last minute. Now, I’m so ready and so excited.

(My fear came from having lived with The Ex once before and it obviously not working out. Three years later, I’m over that fear. Not to mention, over The Ex ruling my life's decisions).

I’ve been living by myself for three years and I’ve loved it but I gotta admit, I’m excited to come home to someone, go grocery shopping with someone and just do nothing with someone. Guess that means I’m finally ready! Wish me luck!

July 15, 2009

When the Santa Ana winds blow

I once heard from a critically-acclaimed, timeless, classic movie that when the Santa Ana winds blow, anything can happen.

OK, maybe it was the star-studded cast of The Holiday, but hey, I love that movie and in my DVD library, it's a classic.

My point? I may be on the East Coast, but I'm willing to bet those winds are whipping up a storm over there. Pure clarity has entered my life and replaced the hoards of doubt. Drastic changes are occurring and I could not be happier about them.

Winds, just keep on blowing.

June 10, 2009


I'm not sure what's wrong with me, hell, I'm not sure if there is anything wrong with me. What I am sure of is the fact that I suck at relationships. If you can even call them that. Anything I'm involved in rarely makes it far enough to warrant the use of the label "relationship" because the second they start to resemble one I internally freak out and crawl into a hole until the other person, after much probing, is forced to retreat.

It wasn't always this way. I used to be that girl that was never single. Up until three years ago I was always in a relationship. Once upon a time I had to put in actual work to remain single and I never succeeded. Always I fell into another relationship.

OK, I've had "boyfriends" in the past three years, but they only acquired that label after I tired of fighting to apply it. I gave in. And even then those boyfriends were guys that came to me. That I just gave a shot because I felt like it was what I should've been doing. What the hell, why not, you know? People (and by people I mean friends, family, etc) would find comfort in the fact that I was moving on. I had someone. I wasn't just alone. I wasn't just stuck on him. On the ending of us. But the truth is, as much as I've dated and as many guys as I've been involved with, I've never been all in with any of them in the past three years. I've never been all about anyone. I haven't gotten excited about anyone. No one.

At times this upsets me because I feel like time is just flying by and I've been single for so long (though as I mentioned I haven't technically been single that long, but seriously, in my eyes I feel as though I have. I guess because the relationship I had three years ago lasted for five, we lived together, it was serious. I don't consider something a relationship unless it's serious). At times I worry I should be meeting people, be involved. At times I feel life is passing me by. At times I want to do all of those couple things.

The problem is, I have no interest in doing them with just anyone. I want to have high standards and high hopes from now on. No more settling for who happens to come to me.

Hence, the drought.

May 15, 2009

Stars align?

I love the house I grew up in. I lived there for 17 years before my parents moved and every memory of my childhood occured within those walls, among those trees, around that neighborhood. I had a great childhood, needless to say. I still, still to this day, am disappointed that my parents ever sold that house and moved. It broke my heart then and still pinches it a wee bit today. I've always said that if it went on the market, I’d buy it (somehow). The current owners were at my old neighbor's wedding and I even told them let me know if they ever plan to sell. Well, that day has officially arrived.

I discovered last night that the house I grew up in just went on the market. As in this week. I had no idea it would happen seemingly so soon (though it has in fact been 10 years). I did not find out because the owners contacted me. I found out because the guy who has been in my life on and off for 13 years is house shopping and came across this gem. He knows how much I love that house (he knew me when I lived there) and how much I would love to own it.

So he wanted to let me know that today he was going to look into purchasing it in the hopes that I would live there with him and finally just settle down with him. This guy is a no nonsense guy so I know he’s doing it. Sure enough, I looked up the address myself this morning and there it was. For Sale.

In a strange way, or maybe an obvious way I’m not sure yet, I find it kind of romantic. I seem to be contemplating it.

Theeen the old me steps in and freaks the eff out. I’m just so intrigued to see how this unfolds…

May 14, 2009

Tool bag

So one of my exes from almost 9 years ago STILL randomly emails me. Get over it guy, right?

He’s one of those bad exes. The one that you learned the most from and by learn I mean you learned what you DON’T want. He’s the one you look back at and wonder why the eff you stayed with him for so long and then remember it was because you were young. You move on swearing to never do that again. You move on, but they never do.

So, I’m convinced he tracked down my email by first finding out where I work and then learning that our email addresses are simply our first and last names. You can find this ish out on the world wide web my friends. Easily.

He’s been sending me two-liner emails to my work address for the past 5 years. Once, he even invited me to Cancun, all expense paid. Please note, I lived with my then boyfriend of 4 years at the time. To that he said, “I can help you figure out something to tell what’s-his-name.” Yeah, he’s that guy.

So my last email from him was in February to which I did not respond. More often than not, I don’t. But this time I responded for my own selfish reasons.

See the thing is, he was an ass. And every time he was an ass he bought me something nice in an attempt to make up for it. You know his kind. His mom is/was the Vice President of a pretty big jewelry store around here so he got the hook up. For real. As did I. I have a piece of jewelry, watch, you name it for every time this tool effed up. And now? Whelp, the stuff is just no good to me. I don’t want it. (Well, most of it. I’m keeping the Movado watch, diamond stud earrings and diamond pendant because they never go outta style). But the rest? I’m trying to sell it for some cash.

When I ask around about where I should go to get the most bang for my buck (this stuff is good stuff and I’m not trying to get ripped off by one of those Cash 4 Gold joints), everyone names his mom’s jewelry store. I know that’s the best place to go but I’m not trying to stroll in there with stuff to sell, run into her and have to explain how I’m selling back all the stuff her son bought me. That’s just awkward.

Sooo, I nonchalantly responded to the message he sent me today asking if she still worked there and made up some story about how I had been needing to go in there and wanted to know if I should ask for her and say hello.

SCORE! She doesn’t. He just responded saying she was laid off 2 months ago. Damn. Then of course ended his note, in true fashion, “What do you need to go to a jewelry store for, a wedding ring?


May 7, 2009

I'm convinced: Johnny Castle cursed my love life.

I'm a child of the 80s so I grew up on this movie. Along with every other starry-eyed, optimistic, love-filled girl my age, (and I'm sure some boys), Dirty Dancing was my favorite movie.

My parents never bought VHS tapes when I was a kid but we were fully stocked with blank tapes and took full advantage of that record button on the VCR; scrambling to pop a tape in when a good movie started and then threatening the lives of anyone in the household should they even THINK about touching the clicker for at LEAST two hours. This particular VHS tape got a lot of air time. My friends and I reenacted the dance scenes. Or tried to. Who didn't try the lifts every summer in the pool? To this day I tear up when "She's Like the Wind" starts to play and Johnny pulls away, gravel flying. I still get giddy with goosebumps when he comes back and him and Baby show Kellerman's how it's done. Then I smile when Dr. Houseman apologizes to Johnny. OK, enough. We all know this is a timeless classic.

Then it hit me this weekend when my favorite station on TV, ABC Family, (don't judge) aired Dirty Dancing. I still have a huge crush on Johnny Castle. And he, my friends, is the culprit.

Johnny is the root of all my bad boy tendencies. I'm convinced. Growing up, Prince Charming did nothing for this girl. But Johnny, oh Johnny. He fights for Baby and even for Penny. Nobody talks smack about his girls and we all know nobody puts Baby in a corner. He breaks car windows with poles when he can't find his keys and drives too fast in the rain. He has interesting stories of how unfortunate he was as a kid and how he works so hard just to make ends meet. He's got depth. And he can move, oh man can he move. His body isn't so bad either.

Falling for Johnny Castle at the tender age of 7 or 8 really set me up for a lifetime of disappointment when it comes to guys and love. All throughout life the good guys have always bored me. They never held my attention for very long. I've always enjoyed a guy who's a little rough around the edges, who's got a story to tell and is willing to fight for me..sometimes literally. I can't help it, I like it. I need a little bit of edge to keep me interested. And you know who I blame? Johnny Castle.

But the problem is, Johnny is a bad boy with a good heart. He fights the bad guys for the right reasons. He wants to do good and he knows how to be respectful when he needs to be. Most importantly, he recognizes a good thing when he sees it and he isn't afraid. He doesn't let his ego get in his own way. And whelp, bad boys like him just don't exist in the real world.

Bad boys in the real world are just bad.

April 29, 2009

Free time = trouble

Fortunately for me there was an unfortunate water main break yesterday right by my building in the city in which I work. I got the call to turn around and go home when I was just halfway there. Our building was shutting down. It was a glorious day so needless to say I was pretty pumped for an unexpected day off. This white girl could use some sun and by a stroke of luck I scored a pretty sweet patch of afternoon sunlight right on my very own balcony. Visions of my beach chair, a glass of iced tea, a book and the pooch immediately flooded my mind. Ah.

How sweet it would be if these things could be planned though. I had gone to a baseball game after work the night before and stayed out pretty late. Sure would've been nice to sleep in. The game in itself was fabulous. I'm not a big baseball fan per say. Never do I catch a game on TV. But being there, the environment and all things-baseball related, I adore. Monday's game was picture perfect. Glorious weather, a hot dog and a beer, some peanuts, and front row seats at the third base line. No better way to watch a game...even if our team did lose.

In a perfect world the universe would have alerted me to my day off just prior to the moment I set my alarm to wake up the next morning. Oh well, we may not be able to have it all but I did have the day off and there are certain perks to having my butt up early and out the door before 9am. This girl can't nap so I was up. Period. Plenty of time to get things done.

Or plenty of free time to get myself into trouble?

First things first, I went home and changed then high-tailed it to the gym. During the day is my favorite time to hit up the gym...there's hardly anyone there. I had a great workout then went next door to Trader Joe's for some groceries including sushi for lunch. Love TJ's. Love.

So I went home and did a bunch of stuff around the apartment before making my fantasy into a reality by putting on my bathing suit and laying out in the afternoon sun with my book. Then, my phone rings. Adult crush.

Adult crush who I've talked to here and there since the ESP visit. Adult crush who had his first day at the police academy that day, also in the city, also let out early. What to do with our newly found free time? Well, it.

Yes, it. He came over and we stopped being friends who hung out and chatted. It had been 7 months since that had gone down between us. Yes, we've kissed since then but that's it. I'm not sure why it happened but I know that the second I told him he could come over, I knew it was going to.

I have no feelings of regret (yet). And maybe it's because the worst is over and I'm not looking for anything more from him. I have a very "whatever" attitude about it all. I'm single! Maybe it was the warm summer-like air. Or maybe, just maybe, this girl can't afford to have any unexpected day offs that equal free time to misbehave. Sure was fun though....

April 21, 2009

Everyone has ESP but me

I hadn't thought of you since you moved. Well, barely. OK, I've thought of you, but I definitely hadn't thought of calling you or talking to you. I simply thought of you fondly as being a part of my past. Finally.

So why do you bring yourself to my present JUST as I've finally accomplished this? You sense this little fact don't you?! You sense and must destroy.

I can't say no so I agree to get together to catch up. I let you come over after you get off work. You still work down the street even though you live much further away. I'm on your way home. All we do is talk and catch up. I thought for sure you'd mention how I hadn't attempted to keep in touch since you moved. I thought for sure you'd ask me about other guys like you always do. But you didn't. You just wanted to talk about what's been going on in each of our lives since you left. You were genuine. You've missed doing this with me, I can tell. We had one of those talks where it felt like so much time had gone by and so much had happened.

Then you stretch it into the next day...always trying to linger. You ask if you can stop by to take a shower after work before heading to the's on the way. Is that necessary? A shower before the gym? Probably not.


And I always allow you to.

April 15, 2009


Maybe I’m the last one on God's green Earth to figure this out, but I don’t care because I just did. I’ve finally discovered how to hide people from your news feed on Facebook and I'm thanking the almighty Lord for this discovery of bountiful proportions.

Finally, no more infestations on my homepage of The Ex and his new girlfriend at a wedding or on a lovely trip. I’ve officially hidden all the people who could do this to me, including his sisters.

Yes, I understand I could just not accept their friendship but these people are/were mutual friends of ours. I’m too nice to reject people.

So alas, our friendship is intact yet I never have to see what you do, what you post, what you say.


*This discovery occurred after yet another, facebook attack today. Different friend, different event, same feeling of sickness in my stomach and anger everywhere else. God, I need to get over this anger.

April 14, 2009

Tuesday shmoozday

I'm so excited for the weekend. Which is bad, because it's only Tuesday. But good because the anticipation for it is keeping me in a good mood despite the horrid "spring" weather outside. It's rainy and all around icky out there but I don't care. The weekend is going to be glorious. Weather and company that is.

My younger cousin is recently single and I'm so happy for her new-found independence. She needed to go out there and get it. I never told her this, mind you, but I'm basking in her happiness and totally excited for her. And whelp, I'm ready to do my part and take her out so we can get into some serious trouble together; old school style. Well, maybe new school. Oh, back in the day I would stuff her bra and do her make up so she could get into the 18 and up clubs. She was 12. Those were the days.

So she's packing a bag and coming to my place Friday and I'm just downright giddy about it. I'm thinking dinner and drinks...lotsa drinks...and dancing. Not to mention some 70 degree weather. Love.

This Sunday I have another 5K race. Reach Out and Run (ROAR) to benefit Hopewell Cancer Support. I'm pretty excited and totally ready.

So Saturday I'll be sure to fully recoup via brunch with my cuz, some DVD watching (I plan to have Vicky Christina Barcelona in my possession), picking up my race pack, hitting up Loehmanns for some new jeans (I have a $25 reward certificate) and relaxing with the pooch.

Oh weekend, just get here please. Now what to wear....?

April 11, 2009

Top night

I had a great night last night. As suspected, on nights I'm incredibly excited to go out, I get considerably drunk significantly early. Sooo, needless to say, by roughly 11pm I was chugging ice waters in an attempt to sober up. I love, love, love going out with the boys but BOY do they go hard with the shots. Shot of choice? The Goose. Grey Goose that is. I've developed an affinity for it. But the Goose lives up to it's rep and gets this girl loose. Fun times.

So it was my turn to need to be taken care of last night. Someone had to sober me up, drive my car, check on me. Once I was home, I was on my own. What did I do with my alone time? I had a friend over, duh.

Nothing shady, no worries. Just a little cuddling and kissing on the couch. Lotsa talking till 4am. And it was an oldie...a guy I used to date roughly, oh, 2+ years ago for about 6-8 months. We remain in constant contact and always have. His doing really. He's a good guy. Always sorta on the back burner trying to get back in for another shot. It was a fun little make-out session to top off the top night.

Now I have sooo much to do today since I've been away so long but I can't get my butt off the couch. It's raining, so basically the weather is screaming "Stay inside and do nothing!"

Ah, well.

April 10, 2009

Home sweet home

Well, almost. I'm headed back home today...just after I feed the horses for the evening. I love spending time with my mother, she's great, really. I made her watch Twilight with me today. She liked it. Pretty sure another has been converted (stop judging).

Oh, I'm just oh so ready to get back. I keep thinking of all I need to do when I get there. Check on the cat (obviously), I know he misses us like crazy. Laundry. Lotsa laundry. Grocery shop, get my nails done, return my library books, get new books, ugh. Because Sunday I'm turning right back around and heading up this way for Easter.

But, rather then do all of those things when I get home, I'm hopping in the shower and getting dressed up to go out tonight. I've spent the last 3 1/2 days in sweats, barn clothes and boots with my hair tied back in pony tail and I'm ready for some lip gloss, heels and couple of drinks. I'm even contemplating gold peep toes and a gold clutch tonight...ooh, with a new deep purple top, skinny jeans and a cropped black jacket. Can you tell I'm itching?

Yeah, I'll get to all those obligatory things on Saturday. That's what the weekends are for, right? Right.

Happy Easter everyone!

April 9, 2009

Mom sitting

For the past 3 days I've been staying at my parent's place out in the middle of nowhere. I'm taking care of my Mom and the farm. The farm which consists of 5 horses (one of which is a baby), a miniature donkey, 2 dogs and a shit ton of geese and chickens. Yeah, I'm trudging it to the barn every morning at 8am and every evening rather then fighting traffic to and from my 9-5.

The reason? My Mom fell off one of those horses this past weekend and broke her shoulder. On Tuesday she had surgery to put a plate and some screws in there. That woman is scaring me these days. This is the 3rd time she's fallen in as many months and this is the first time she's been seriously hurt. She's a pistol that woman, 54 and running around like a 30-year-old, bless her heart. So I'm here on farm duty until the weekend when my Dad can take over. My boss at work is wonderful, not minding I take off for the week at the drop of the dime. I'm in my email, working from home as much as I can.

So I've been feeding the animals, feeding my parents, running on the trails, reading books and surfing the net. I brought my pooch with me, he loves it out here but boy am I missing my routine.

I didn't realize how much of my own world I'd created until I was taken out of it. My family is great, but I miss the life I've created for myself. I'm happy about this. Some people go "home" to their parent's and never want to leave. To me, home is MY home. My place. And I love that.

I love that, and with that love comes the want for a challenge. I'm ready to spread my wings even more and really vacate my comfort zone. This feeling has been bubbling for quite a while, and recently a solution has floated to the surface. I thought the answer was taking the step to buy a home because, well, that felt like the logical next step in my life. Then I realized it wasn't. A home would just keep me here. The challenge I really want and need is relocation.

I was born and raised in this same town. I didn't go away to college I stayed close to home. I've always stayed close. In my comfort zone. So all aspects came together. I hate the cold, I hibernated this winter. I want to move to the West Coast. San Diego specifically. I've been doing research on location and jobs. The more I learn the more I want it. I'm going to make it happen. It's the change I need. I can leave behind all this past that's been sticking with me and start new. There is no better time for me to do this. I have no obligations and nothing to hold me back. Nothing.

With that said I'm itching to get back to my life that is still here. I'm leaving the 'rent's place tomorrow and already have plans to meet some friends for a happy hour party downtown. So excited. My best guy friend is coming too, who...

Side note: did a little late-night confessing to me Saturday night when I went out with the boys. I often go out with the boys and when I do I AM one of the boys. Seriously. No holding back in front of this girl and damn it, I buy rounds too. We dance, we have fun. This time, me and 10 guys. Guys are so refreshing and easy. No drama, it is what it is. They just want to have a good time and that's just what goes down. Beer and shots. Dancing. Then pizza at the end of the night. Hella good time.

My best guy friend and I have been friends since middle school and we've been there through many boyfriends and girlfriends. He's The Ex's cousin for goodness sake. But we've remained great friends. We have a pact that if neither of us are married by 35, we'll marry each other. This has always been sort of a joke to me, but he confessed on Saturday night just how much it's not a joke to him. He basically wanted confirmation that should the time come, I would not say that I only thought of him as a friend and nothing else because he was counting on me. Pretty sure that was his way of discovering if right now, I only thought of him as a friend. Of course when he'd asked me I had just chased down my second shot of Grey Goose with my Miller Lite and pinkie shook that HELL NO, I would NEVER say that! Ah well. Ignoring that convo and moving right along. So far, so good. He has a girlfriend. He'll be fine. End Side note.

OH, and let me mention that Monday night as I'm packing up my car at 10pm to head to my parent's, who FLEW by? The freaking orange car! WTMF (what the mothafuck)?! The adult crush should have successfully moved this past Friday. NO reason to be cruising past my apartment at that hour. I was sort of saying goodbye to a male friend (nope, not getting into that now), so I'm sure he saw. I'm sure he did. What I'm not sure of, is WHY he was there. But what I do know, is that it BETTER not have been to check on me.

Okay, so I realize I've rambled in all directions. My apologies. Sometimes my brain just jumps from topic to topic and sometimes it feels good to roll with it. This is reality, and sometimes I just can't wrap my posts up and tie them with a bow. My bad.

April 8, 2009


I deleted my myspace account the VERY second I saw my ex's new girlfriend (who he denied he was even interested in as he made feeble attempts to get back with me), posted a picture of them two on her page. Her page wasn't private and I know myself. Me, being the emotional masochist that I am, would check back for new, updated, cute pictures of the happy couple and make myself feel like shit. This was back in November. I did not even think twice. Delete account. Delete. Confirm, delete. Myspace makes it so freaking hard to delete your account it's ridiculous. You need a secret code AND handshake before they'll let you out the door. Well this girl followed through.

I kept my facebook account because I had different circles of friends on there and those I was worried would possibly allow me to catch a glimpse of something I wouldn't want to see, weren't on there. Until now. God knows you can't eat a sandwich while logged in without facebook alerting every friend you have.

Now, everyone and their great uncle are joining facebook and I'm not liking it. I'm getting worried. It was just now, today, that on my lovely 3-year stretch of ex-free, unblemished homepage was broken when a new friend of mine, a new joiner of facebook, posted a collection of pictures that included The Ex's latest trip to Vegas with the girlfriend. Now going on 5 months. Of course I looked. More than once. God fucking damnit. I don't want to delete my facebook account, but I'm thinking I may have to. If I want to live a semi-normal life. I thought about just deleting those specific friends, or not accepting their friendship when they requested. But I just couldn't, even though I knew what doors it would force open.

I'd say, how do guys get over things so quickly? Except it's been 3 years this July since we broke up. I'm just a fucking ridiculous retard.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't been pining for him daily for the past 3 years. But God, I'm not taking trips with guys and this is his second girlfriend since me that he's been this serious with. I'm pathetic. This is not news.

In other, totally unrelated news, if you have yet to check out, you should do it. It's a very cool site where you can write an email to yourself that will be sent to you in the future. I did this, apparently exactly one year ago today because I got an email from past me today. Past me made present me cry. I highly recommend giving it a shot and then forgetting that you did. Check out mine.

Subject line: Eternally Hopeful.

Dear FutureMe,

Hey girl. So I hope this email finds you well...also, I hope you completely forgot that you wrote it and it catches you by total and utter surprise.

I guess what I'm feeling for you right now is a lot of hope. I know that I, present day you, am the one who needs to make the moves in order for you (future you), to have accomplished all that I hope for you, so I just hope that I freaking do it! Before I get carried away, let me be more specific about what exactly I'm hopeful for.

I am hopeful for you. And just you. Not anyone in your life, but you. I hope you stopped coasting and are doing something that is challenging you. I hope you're happy doing it, but more so, I hope you're learning, advancing in your career. I hope you've scratched some more things off of that list of things to do by the time you're 30 cause girl, you're seriously close now! I hope that whatever is going on with Josh has been figured out, be it good or bad, and you've either moved forward together or moved on. I don't care if you're single or not. You're fabulous either way and it does not matter. I'm sure that if you are single that you're happy that way. If you're not single, I hope you've learned how to keep yourself in tact while being a part of a couple. It's rough for you, I know that. Just don't forget how important you and what you want are. I hope you've gotten over some of the hurt and betrayal that's been sticking with you the past couple years and trusting isn't so difficult for you.

I hope Otis is happy and doing well! He loves you, you are his world, you know? I hope you're happy with you're living situation! I would love it if you'd bought a house but understand if you haven't yet. You've done some great things in regard to housekeeping your finances but you're not ideal just yet. I hope you've been able to keep saving though! I hope the Cruiser is still running well for you :) I hope you've tried some new things and hopefully been able to take a vacation. At least one. I hope you have realized that you are blessed and you are pretty....I can't say beautiful, but you are definitely pretty. I hope you've been able to see yourself that way.

Wow, so I realize that's a lot to expect! I just want the best for you. I hope I haven't let you down. All in all I want happiness for you. I hope your days of hurting are over and you won't have to experience that again. Good luck girly!!!

xoxoxo, love you,
Past Me

April 1, 2009

Morning mayhem

DISCLAIMER: if you are eating right now--stop reading. If you have a weak stomach--stop reading. This is not going to be pretty.

You can count on your day being a rocky one when it starts like this:

You're in your bathroom doing your morning routine--brushing your teeth, putting on make up, the ushz. It's not one of those mornings you have GMA on in the background, not even your Internet radio. It's basically quite in your one bedroom apartment. Until you hear a sound out of the ordinary. You know the sound of the dog drinking, the dog eating, the cat in the litter box, the cat running around like a maniac, etc. All things that normally go down in the morning. This sound is none of the above. Curiosity gets the best of you, and you walk down the hallway, through the living room and before you make the turn into the kitchen you discover the source. The dog. The dog you kiss every morning on the mouth, eating a pile of cat poo your cat was nice enough to leave OUTSIDE of the litter box (his little announcement that the box is a wee bit too full for his liking).

Completely grossed out you yell his name, and "NO!" The dog, not used to being yelled at, startles, spitting out a piece of half eaten poo while continuing to chew and swallow what he managed to keep intact. Gag reflux commence. You reach for some paper towels and pick up the remnants, all the while gagging as the dog continues to lick his chops, snort and snarl (he's a slobbery, wrinkly shar-pei, he can't help it). For the remainder of the morning, you cannot look at him without gagging, let alone, even think of kissing him ever again. Ugh.

Ah yes, that indeed is how my glamorous day began. All I can say about the rest of the day is that it didn't get worse. Can't say it got any better though. The highlight? Chipotle for lunch. A girls' gotta do what a girls' gotta do.

March 31, 2009


(Future Boyfriend List)
  1. Must be able to make me laugh.
  2. Passionate about something/has some drive.
  3. Good job/career.
  4. Low key/easy going but still knows how to have fun.
  5. Likes to do stuff/make plans (or goes along with my plans).
  6. Adventurous.
  7. Has a little edge (reformed bad boys welcome)
  8. People person - I can bring him out with my friends/fam and not worry about him.
Is that asking for too much? Hell to the no.

March 29, 2009

A**hole factor

A conclusion has been made, and only after two hours of conversation with my closest friend, (aka my soul twin). Together we pushed, pulled, and trudged through our twisted psyches and a verdict was reached alas. Considering I've been dating for fifteen plus years, two hours ain't half bad. It is not uncommon that as her and I talk things out, one or both of us experience some sort of revelation. In fact, rarely does this fail to occur. Last night definite headway was made. It's like free therapy. Seriously.

The precursor to the convo was a toxic ex trying to claw his way back into my friend's life, (for the fourth time), and her illogical contemplation of it. Also, my simultaneous developing revelations that begged to be shared with a kindred spirit.

It hit me one day while driving, (as thoughts usually do), that I have never been in a relationship with a guy who treated me well. I've dated guys who have treated me well for periods of time, sure. Done nice things for me, yes. But I never kept these guys around for long. I jokingly refer to it as my three month itch. No matter how much I may be into someone in the beginning, how I feel after three months is the ultimate test. The make or break. The ones that make it, the ones I really get involved with, have been the ones who ultimately treated me badly. So I got to thinking about why this is. Why have I never been with someone who was good to me? Consistently good to me. Well, it hasn't happened by chance.

I realized that I've never allowed myself to be in a relationship where a man treated me well. I have let these men treat me poorly; welcomed it and went back countless times for more. Assholes don't just find me, I find them. Everyone meets them. The assholes. Most people discard them. Me? Well, I welcome them, allow them to pull up a chair, make themselves at home, and stay for a bit. In some cases, years. This may not be a conscious choice, but it is still a choice that I myself make. I'm not unlucky while the other girls are lucky to meet the guys that treat them well. I meet the nice guys too I just send them packing for some reason. Usually the reason is that something is missing, there's no connection, or there's not enough physical attraction. What's actually missing? The asshole factor.

I know what you're thinking, we're those girls who like assholes. It's not that cut and dry and it's not something we enjoy. It is so much more then that. Let me attempt to explain.

I'm sure you've heard the saying, "True love is the soul's recognition of it's counterpart in another" (I'm not talking love in all cases but you get the idea). Well that's just what we're dealing with. We recognize in them something that is also in us. We're assholes. Oh yes, we ourselves are proud owners of the asshole factor. We fuck up. A lot. We hurt people, we do things wrong. Some people are straight and narrow, we are not. Some people make normal mistakes, we make epic ones. We have a past speckled with indiscretions and the threat of more in the future, (though I think I'm growing out of it). I refer back to the quote I entered in a post just days ago, and am surprised I didn't realize it then:

"I pair up with these male versions of myself so that I don't have to acknowledge my own fear of making a serious commitment."

So while we're with these guys who wear their asshole status on their sleeves, we feel safe. Yes, it's twisted I agree. The one thing we can count on is that they will mess up. They will hurt us. Then, when we do the same, we won't feel as badly. But the nice guy? The good guy who treats us well? Oh God if we were to hurt him, we couldn't live with ourselves. We don't want to hurt them. We're still assholes and they deserve nice girls.

Armed with this recognition of myself and my part in this matter, I feel so much better. Admitting is the first step, right? Knowing is half the battle, is it not? I realize that the reason guys treat me badly is directly related to my choices (poor as they may be). I have control. I have the power to change this. I may have been saying I want a nice guy, but I don't. Even though I say I'm sick of guys, and wonder why I can't just find a guy like "this" or a guy like "that," I'm making my bed. Voluntarily, though not incredibly consciously (until now). It is valid, I'm sick of guys but what I'm sick of is guys with the asshole factor. I need to check myself.

I had mentioned that I'm raising my standards, and I am. All of these factors are in conjunction with one another and all of them will work together to help me grow out of this stage of my life with guys and be happy, with someone. Because until the asshole factor within myself dies, I won't be ready to take on the nice guy. Here's hoping it jumps off a cliff some time soon.

March 28, 2009

Weekend pleasantries

I mentioned once before that I've recently found fun in the un-fun and today is no different. Despite the dreary weather, I've been having a lovely Saturday and plan to have an even better Saturday night...maybe even get into a little trouble. I'm just sayin'...

I went to get my nails done today. It's been so long since I've done that. I get that the economy is in the crapper and now is the time I should be cutting out this type of frivolous spending but that $30 has made me feel fabulous. I'm a nail-biter and try as I might, I can't get these stubs to grow before they're attacked. It wasn't until Thursday at work when a co-worker told me he was surprised I didn't have long nails; that I look like the type that would have longer nails. My other co-worker (and friend so it's okay) chimed in with, "Yea, not mechanic hands." Well that sealed the deal. Time to visit the salon. It's the end of winter, hands are dry, cuticles disgusting, it was warranted.

I then went to the grocery store and stocked up on lots of healthy, fresh foods. Salmon filets, fruits, veggies, and the yummy avocado you see pictured (aka my addiction).

So despite the rain I'm going to take the pup for a walk before putting in a load of laundry, drinking some tea, and then scanning my closet for tonight's outfit. I have two new tops that have yet to be worn out so it shouldn't be tough. Tonight the plan is simply to go out with a girlfriend, maybe two or three. I'm feeling good about it.

Netflix movie of the week is Secret Life of Bees so I plan on spending my Sunday relaxing and watching that.

All of the above may sound incredibly lame and boring but they bring this girl pure bliss. It's the little things.

p.s. I'm consciously choosing to not mention the negative things that continue to try to jump into the forefront of my brain while I continue to push them to the back:

-I would have love to do/have done all of the above things with someone. I am slightly lonely and ready for a plus one.

-Yesterday was The Ex's sister's wedding. I wasn't there. She was (and I'm not referring to his sister). The reception was right across the street from where I live.

-I'm pretty sure the adult crush has got to be moving out this weekend. He said he needed to be out by the 31st (Tues). I haven't heard from him and refuse to call him but can't stop thinking about the fact that this could be it.

p.p.s (I never know if it's supposed to be p.p.s or p.s.s) I did not and will not be calling the fireman to "explain" myself. I thought about it. There's nothing I hate more than someone having an incorrect view regarding me. Although I'm not interested in him, I did not however say that he didn't try hard enough. Everyone around us (his friends and mine) go on record having said that and for some reason it was put into my mouth. Insert bad guy. Moi. But, I decided that letting it go would serve me much better. For one, the more I think about it the more pissed I am that he thinks I actually owe him an explanation, and two, calling him and discussing it would force me to have to be honest, therefore only fanning the he-said she-said fire. Subject closed.

March 27, 2009

New layout

So I found a new layout today. I googled. I like it, except for one small (but very important) thing. The date of the post won't show up. I can't figure out how to change it. The "undefined, undefined, undefined" is driving me nuts. What's a girl to do? So if anyone can provide any insight, comments are welcomed.

In the meantime, remind me to add "tech savvy" to my future boyfriend list (which apparently I've just started). Now that I think about it, a future boyfriend characteristic list is not a bad idea considering I've decided today that I am officially raising my standards.

So as I add characteristics to my FBL (future boyfriend list), I'll update the list totally random-like. Oooh, nothing I like more than a new list!

  • tech savvy (not a must, but def a plus)
Side note: with this new layout comes a "labels" section and what is at the top of my label list? As in, what do I blog about most? Right up there with dating (for obvious reasons). Adult crush. 31 posts. Damn it. 32. Hmph.

Really? Wait, really??

Last night, well to be accurate, early this morning my cell phone starts ringing. Really? I was in the middle of a dream. It's a Thursday night. I look at my clock then my phone. 2:11am. Who is it? The fireman. Really?? I am immediately angry. You are calling me at 2 in the morning when you know full well that I work in the morning? Really??

Begin tangent: I failed to note that on Saturday 3/14 I ran into the fireman downtown at a bar while partaking in some St. Paddy festivity celebrating. This was the first time I'd seen him since my last courtesy phone call regarding the health of his grandmother, and my decision to leave well enough alone; that I'd done enough in the ending of all of this. (See 3/1 post). I saw him from afar and immediately attempted the duck and hide. I went off to the ladies room so of course as I'm leaving the restroom and heading back to my people who should I unavoidably pass? The fireman. To be blunt, he was a dick. Clearly his ego had experienced some major bruising because he tried to act like he was too good to say hello or chat. When people do that to me, I kill them with kindness. Those people want you to be a bitch to them so that they can go around and say you're a bitch while armed with validation. If you're nice it just makes them feel worse about the fact that a great person rejected them and they still can't have you. So that's just what I did. I made sure I said hello. He tried to act as if he didn't see me, then that he didn't have time to talk, and I'm pretty sure he even tried to be nasty but didn't have the balls to follow through. All of this not only made me feel better about not seeing him anymore, but cleared up any guilt I may have felt for ending it or the need to supply any additional closure to the situation. Done and done. Dickhead. I later heard he went home with a random girl and did the walk of shame back to his car without even saying goodbye to said girl. Oh the small benefits of him being friends with my friends' boyfriend. End tangent.

So needless to say, I was irritated that he called me at such an inconsiderate hour and then proceeded to leave me a lengthy voicemail so that I was awoken minutes later by the message alert. But back to sleep I went.

This morning after I got out of the shower I listened to the message. Basically, he was demanding an explanation (yes, he actually said he wanted an explanation) for the fact that although I told him I did not want to see him anymore because something was missing between us, he heard that I had said that I didn't think he tried hard enough. Wait, really?!? So let me get this has been weeks since you acted like a dick when I saw you in public and even weeks before that when I actually ended it with you, but you're still going to proceed to call me at 2am demanding explanations as to why it ended? You heard this little fact? You're almost 30 years old. I learned to stop paying attention to he-said, she-said in middle school. OMFG.

He went on to say how he would've treated me "like a woman" (as opposed to?) and he cares about me and really wanted to be with me, but wants an explanation as to why I said this. Oh, and he hopes I'm doing well.

He followed up this retarded voicemail with a text this morning that read:

Douchebag: I'm sorry about the late call last night. I have no excuse for that.

Oh yes you do, you're a dick.

Note to self: Never again date a guy who is friends with a friend's boyfriend. This only ends with gossip and someone trying to make you out to be the bad guy. Clearly, someone wants me to be the bad guy in this situation when it is obvious that he simply failed. Deal with it. Move on. I owe you nothing.

It's official, the aftermath of this "thing" has lasted longer than the actual dating did.

And now that I have successfully vented, I'm moving on to enjoy this lovely Friday.

March 24, 2009

Company is comforting

Good to know there are others who feel as I do. I can't explain how I fell (well), but this person did, and apparently an entire tumblr. is dedicated to people like us. So there's an audience! I feel a teensy bit better about this. From:

This is for the people that care too much. The people who want too much, and at the same time want nothing at all. At least we want to want that. We want to walk away, we want to say no, we want to forget everything, and we want to be detached and not care.

Unfortunately, we can’t walk away. We say yes, and we remember every single little fucking detail, more clearly, and more vividly than when it happened. We are attached.

And we couldn’t care more.

Other quotes that are speaking to me today:

"I pair up with these male versions of myself so that I don't have to acknowledge my own fear of making a serious commitment."

-Wendy Merrill.

Welcome to my brain, Wendy.


You have the idea that you should be mating for life, but that is not what you really want. You aren’t dealing with the fact that you don’t want more, or you wouldn’t have been with these guys to begin with. When you really want something more, you will have it. In the meantime, please be less hard on yourself, and try to enjoy it.

-I copied this from a book I was reading, but failed to note the author. My bad.

p.s. Just in case you're missing the connection between the photo and title, these are my comfort foods. Mmmm.

March 22, 2009

Emotional masochism

So not long after clicking "publish post" on my last entry, he called and asked if I wanted to take the dog to the park with him. And I said? What every emotional masochist says, duh. Yes.

Why not throw some salt in that wound? Hey, lets extend the rehabilitation process of our last meeting by a few weeks. Why not? Oh and hey, bring your camera so you can document it all and pour over it later when you're really in the throws of feeling miserable for yourself. Atta girl.

As always I had so much fun with him and the time spent was too short. Again he asked me to come in at the end and again I said no. Again he asked me to stay with him and again I said no out loud while inside I was screaming yes.

Though I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy, it is comforting to know that one of my close friends is also experiencing an adult crush. Or waves an old one, whatever, I'm not picky. The symptoms are equally deadly. She had this to say:

"I guess some people just get under our skin and stay there. But God, what I wouldn't give to make those butterflies go away."

Amen to that.

I hate orange cars

I've come to the unsettling, uncomfortable and altogether agonizing conclusion that this annoying crush will not disappear entirely until he does. No worries, I'm not contemplating offing him. I'm thinking more along the lines of his fast-approaching relocation. I'm thanking all things holy that he will be moving a fair distance away in just a couple short weeks. The fact that he'll no longer inhabit the same apartment complex as I fills me with priceless bliss. And most of that last sentence is a blatant lie. But I'm hopeful that eventually it will ring true.

I'm finding comfort in the notion that I'll no longer feel the pathetic urge to break my neck looking out my window when I hear an engine sounding similar to his fast, obnoxious sports car. Hopefully my stomach will stop dropping each time I see orange cars driving around the neighborhood. Every time I see a freaking orange taxi (because lucky for me we have those around these parts believe it or not), my stomach immediately reaches my feet. I am a pathetic excuse for a grown woman.

I'm pretty sure my drunken mind will still default to him. He will be who I want to dial and text. I'll still be reminded of him for no reason that makes any sense, and I'll still think of him. But I'm hoping (gosh I'm saying hoping a lot), that these things will no longer be magnified for days/weeks after I see him because I won't be seeing him.

Needless to say, I saw him yesterday for the first time in over a month. Oh hi, welcome back tongue-tied, gooey-legged, twelve-year-old girl self. I don't understand what it is. I can't figure it out and possibly that is the very reason that it plagues me so.

Oh, but it felt so good to hug him and I could tell the feeling was mutual as he continued to ask for more hugs, each time holding me closer and longer. He lifted me up even. He lingered. He didn't want me to go after the reason for the meet up was complete. He tried to keep the conversation going. Sometimes I think he's just like me in that he makes a conscious effort to act as if he doesn't care, as if he isn't into me. Other times I think I don't matter to him at all. And each time I feel those two polar opposite feelings, I feel them to be intensely true.

He asked me if I'd missed him. He asked me if I would stay with him one last night before he left. He drives me nuts. (And he literally just drove by as I'm typing this). FML.

I vow that I will never again date, hell, associate with a guy who writes their rent checks to the same place I do each month. I'll no longer confuse an adult crush as a fun, exciting thing to explore. This has been painful for close to a year. I'm incredibly embarrassed by it all.

I can't say enough how hopeful I am that the end is near.

In other news, last night I attended a bull roast with my brother and, for the lack of a better description due to my fuzzy brain, a large collection of married couples. This was clearly their big night out which consisted of an aged DJ who alternated been 70’s dance music, every line-dance song ever created, and Beyonce. They were taking full advantage of this “night on the town.” I on the other hand felt like a social leper. No one knew what to say to me so they asked me about work. Fun topic. Then, after that topic was thoroughly explored, they asked me for the update on the bar scene. Yup, pretty much sums up their opinion of my life. Work and bars. Simultaneously ultrasound photos circulated around the table. Oohs and ahhs percolated at the view of an alien-like, blurry, black and white photo that I couldn’t make out to be human but accepted it as so. I’m not knocking procreation and marriage it’s just a totally different world than the one I currently inhabit.

I wanted to leave mere minutes after arriving. My girlfriends were out having dinner and drinks just miles away. I was itching to join my own kind. I stayed for a courtesy three hours that felt like a lifetime. Then I high-tailed it to the bar to meet my ladies. Apparently my emotions were written all over my face, along with “buy me a shot” because that is exactly what ensued. One particular guy bought me shot after shot along with a drink every time he ordered one for himself. When he lagged, his friend filled in. At one point, a girl even bought my girlfriend and I shots from across the bar, and the bartender stepped up and passed around free shots as well. I did not buy one single drink. We shut the place down. Last to leave, and no one pushed us out the door. It was exactly what I needed. We danced, we drank, this outcast shook it like a polaroid picture. And the previous hellish three hours were erased from my memory.

We then proceeded to go back to my place where we polished off an entire bowl of chili con queso dip and Tostitos and I drunk texted.

Regardless, a blast was had by all and I was reminded that although it would be nice to have a hubby and a bun in the oven, it’s not for me, not now. It’s easy to look at those my age living another lifestyle and feel I’m missing out, before I stop myself and think about what I want. Me. Despite my age, there is nothing I should feel is expected of me at this stage in my life. I’m single. I’m happy. And that’s OK. Shit, that’s fabulous.

March 10, 2009

Falling in love.

Have I got your attention? I thought so.

Well, I'm a dirty little trickster.

Lately, I've noticed that I'm happy with my small, quiet, singular life. My routine, my dog, grocery shopping, decorating, reading. Making lists, setting goals, planning. All very boring I know. I go out, don't get me wrong but I gotta admit, I don't have nearly as much fun as I used to out in the bar scene. I guess that's expected.

But regardless, I've been finding fun in the un-fun. I've been attempting to make plans for myself. I've noticed lately that I feel happy doing the mundane but could not figure out why. I mean come on, these things are not exciting. Then, it hit me. I'm falling in love. I'm falling in love with myself; with who I am, who I’m trying to be and the life I'm creating for myself. I've got big plans for myself.

At the same time, I'm ready to share my life with someone. I'm ready for someone to join my routine. I want to come home to someone, cook for someone and have someone cook for me once in a while. I want to run and bike on the trail I've discovered with someone. I want to share all of what makes me happy by myself, with someone. In the past I wanted to be with someone as a distraction. A void needing to be filled. I think that's why they always turned into feeling like an obligation rather than something I enjoyed. I finally feel like I am content with my life, by my boring self, and I want someone to join my plan. And shit, help it out a bit. I don't want to do it alone forever. But even if they don't, I'm happy going at it alone.

All of this takes a lot for me to admit and put down in black and white. I've always wanted to be strong and act as if I am perfectly fine alone, always, in case that is what's in store for me.

Since The Ex, which I realized today is going on 4 years now (I realized I've been saying 2 years for the past 2 years), I've been broken. I've really tried to belittle the heartbreak he caused. How he broke more than just my heart but my spirit. I still think of him daily. I don't know if I'll ever have again what I had with him or if I'll ever love that way again, but I know that I want to. I want it. I want it all over again with someone who won't hurt me. I hope it's out there for me.

I'm no longer afraid of sounding pathetic and hopeless by saying these things. I no longer feel the need to have an attitude that says, I don't need a man. Because the truth is, I don't need a man. I'm happy without one. I'm already in love. But I'd like one.

March 2, 2009

I'm in love with today...

Having a snow day is like that bonus day to get things done. Yes, in theory it’s a nice idea to get things done over the weekend but let’s be serious. You wanna have a little fun and then you feel like you deserve to relax before Monday arrives and it’s back to the grind.

But having that extra day, wow. Not only do I get to watch the shows I always miss like Rachel Ray and Ellen, but so far today I’ve done 2 loads of laundry, swept and swiffered the kitchen floor, bathroom floor and entryway, dusted all furniture, cleaned all mirrors/TVs and vacuumed. I finished up a book I started just yesterday. Holler.

And it just started snowing again, love.

P.S. It has not gone unnoticed that I owe this blog a serious update. I really am going to go into detail about the fireman and all of those events. I really do promise I will. I want to. For reals. I'm weird though. I can't force myself to write about certain'll hit me that I gotta get it out and then watch the eff out. Total uninhibited brain dump. Be prepared. It should be coming soon.

March 1, 2009

Fire extinguished

So the beginning went well, as I've come to learn during my short stint in the adult dating world, most dating beginnings usually do. I've also learned it does not serve you will to slap an opinion on a guy/relationship too soon because once the few weeks it takes for the freak flag to rise fully ensue, you'll simply wind up biting your tongue and doing some explaining to your girlfriends as to why the fabulous guy has turned into a douche seemingly overnight. It also helps you to seem a little less like a bipolar freak. I'm sure my poor mother has her doubts concerning her only daughter.

So anyway, it went well before it didn't. I first felt as though the fact that he was very laid back, casual and whatever-like in regard to making plans and such was a plus. No worry about being pressured into dinner/drinks/movies/blah during the week when I'd rather go to the gym, watch Grey's or do nothing at all. Score. Until of course, that casualness turned into total non-plan making. Period. Oh, he still wanted to do things. He wanted a commitment from me as to when we'd see each other next before he left my presence the last time. What would we do? Who knows. Who cares. Equals? Nada. Yeah, as much as I don't want to date a drill sergeant (Ken), I need a guy to make a plan. I don't want to be forced into the plan, but I want a guy to take the reigns. I have no problem with taking them once in a while, but I stress, once in a while. I'm old fashioned. It's just how I roll.

So once I allowed the fireman to enter my cozy apartment, it was love at first sight. For him. He loved my cozy comfy couches, my big plasma TV. I get it. I love them too. That's why I live here. But you my friend, do not. And you are not my boyfriend. Therefore, you still need to date me. And as we've all learned from He's Just Not That Into You, "hanging out is not dating." Basically, somewhere along the line the fireman simply attempted to nail down a date where we'd "do something" with no plan as to what that something would be. I'd bring up places to eat, etc and he was always uninterested. He even went as far as to ask me to lunch on a Saturday afternoon and then show up at my place "not hungry." I'm serious. He said he wasn't really hungry. Considering our plan was to physically eat lunch, I freaking was. I'm not one of those girls who doesn't eat. I eat and this girl was hungry. I told him this. He had no real reaction.

The final straw was on a different Saturday night about 3 weeks ago. We were both going out in the city with our own separate groups of friends. I was already feeling uninterested by this point, but agreed to us meeting up at some point for a drink. He'd be with his friends, I'd be with mine, no harm done. No one-on-one time. We texted on and off throughout the night and I let him know which neighborhood I was in around 11pm. But, it turned into a serious girl night. One of those good dance nights/one friend gets beligerently drunk nights. You know the kind.

Well the fireman kept calling and I finally was able to answer and actually hear him. He asked if he should come over my way, he was getting into a cab, his friends were staying, he was coming alone. Wtf?! So wait, it's 12:30 am, you're going to come to where I am alone without a car i.e. leach yourself onto me for the night? Ew, no thanks. Not the dynamic I was going for. I told him it probably wasn't a good idea, my friends were pretty drunk and I'd be doing some serious babysitting, another time. It was almost 1am anyway, sorta pointless when last call is at 1:30 and it would take him at least that long to get over to where I was anyway. What was the point?

After that phone call he continued to call and call and call. I'm talking about 15-20 times. I didn't answer. I told him not to come, period end of story. By that time my friend and I were in a late night pizza joint enjoying some greasy food, watching the drunks walk by, and talking to other drunk pizza patrons. I just looked at my phone as he called and called. Totally turned me off. I mean, come on man. Then he started texting me. "Where are you?" "Where are you, babe?" Ugh, babe? Really? Loathe when that comes from guys who have no business using it. Then, "I'm around the corner, where are you?" "I'm here, where are you?" Phone call, phone call, phone call. You get the point. It's after 2am by now. I was so annoyed that he was there but still planned to ignore. I told you not to come, not my problem. So then my friend and I walk out of the pizza place, turn the corner, and who is standing on the corner ON THE FREAKIN' PHONE? You guessed it. The fireman. I wanted to throw up in my mouth.

Long story short, he shows up, no car, no where to stay, too drunk to drive (so he said) and couldn't go home (so he said). We tried to get him to stay at my friend's place in the city but he was just so damn persistent and I am too damn nice. I wound up bringing him home with me with the promise he'd have someone bring him to his car in the morning. On the car ride home I explained how I just wasn't that into him anymore. It was awkward, but it was needed. Especially after that awkward spectacle. Shit, he forced it. He slept on my couch, as he always did. I never let that boy into my bed. In the morning he made no attempts to "call a friend" and my dumb ass drove him to his car. We parted with my agreeing to one more date to see if something might still be there. Damn my niceness. Never fails to be taken advantage of. Why can't I be a cold-hearted bitch when necessary?!

So he went to FL for a week and said he wouldn't call me, I should call him. So of course I didn't. The more time that went by, the more disgusted and turned off I was with his behavior. His lack of effort in an attempt to gain maximum benefits. I mean really. So I decided I'd have yet another talk with him to let him know it was done. I have to. Finalize the deal. Why put myself through anymore? He failed. He's friends with my good friends' boyfriend. There's no sweeping this one under the rug. Believe me, I contemplated it.

So I finally called him last week. The day I call him to break the news is the same day his grandmother has a stroke and he spends the day in the hospital. Fabulous. Totally bad form if I broke the news then. So I listened for about 45 minutes, wished my best, and told him we'd talk later. I figured I should at least wait until his grandmother is OK and out of the hospital. I called him over the weekend--g-mom is still hospitalized and I am still an ass allowing this thing to drag on. I still, have yet, to break the news. But, I've called twice so I feel good about myself. I'm not calling anymore. I don't owe this guy all of that. Done.

So I just spent way much more time than I would have preferred discussing the fireman. Sorry about that.

In other news I just got over the stomach flu. (Wow, aren't I a barrel of fun--failed relationships, stomach flu, fabulous).

P.S. I lied. You know what sealed the deal? As I was explaining to him how there was simply something missing between the two of us, he said, "Why are you playing so hard to get?" I felt like saying (and wish I would have because it's true):

I'm not playing hard to get, I am hard to get.

Quote me on that ish.

February 26, 2009

I said it before

And I'll say it again. I'm sorry for not updating. Lame. No excuse other then lameness.

I pinky promise to try to update this weekend. Yes, folks, pinky.

February 4, 2009

randomness...let it happen...

This morning while driving into work, I was thinking. I do a lot of my thinking while in the car. For some reason I thought to myself, if I found out I was going to die in a week I would not be happy with my current life. Then I got to thinking why? What is it about my life that I am unhappy with? The only person that can change it would be me.

I am still thinking about this (well, plan to revisit it because right now I'm at work), but I did come to the conclusion that I feel as if I'm in a constant state of waiting. Waiting for things to happen. I'm almost in a place where I'll be happy. I'm on hold. For some reason I feel like I can only be happy with time. I can only get the thing I want that will make me happy, with time. And all of this is just temporary. All of this day-to-day passing the time is simply a temporary state.

One day I'll buy a house. One day I'll travel to Italy. All of these things take time. They take money. Money, takes time. Simultaneously the world keeps moving. People get married, have babies, buy houses, get diagnosed with life-threatening diseases. And here I am. On hold. Waiting. Not cool.

January 25, 2009

Bad, bad blogger

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. All for good reason! Swear it'll all be worth it once I finally find the time to divulge. I just wanna be able to have a decent amount of time (and a non-cloudy head), to truly devote to the telling and give that post the justice it so deserves. And whelp, now is not the time considering my current condition. (Wow, I'm pretty serious...possibly still a wee bit drunk).

I will say, things are going fabulously. I have had an amazing weekend. Even more so, an amazing past two weeks. I'm looking forward to relaxing on the couch today and recouping from all of the amazing-ness. Yes, my ears are ringing, throat is scratchy, and thighs are burning from an all-night dance party last night. Ah, the good burn that comes from seeing an awesome band play until last call. Though I seriously can't hear the television (sorry neighbors for the unusually loud volume). Then a Netflix movie later with the fireman. Gosh, I love Sundays. And did you catch that? Yes, the fireman and I are doing wonderfully. There's so much to tell so I can't even sum it up. I won't even try!

I plan to update this week. Ugh, I need another cup of coffee.....

January 20, 2009

Today is a good day.

President Obama's Inaugural Speech:

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents.
So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.
These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land - a nagging fear that America’s decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America - they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.
We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted - for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things - some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.
Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions - that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.
For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act - not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.
Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions - who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them - that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works - whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public’s dollars will be held to account - to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day - because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control - and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart - not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience’s sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.
Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort - even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society’s ills on the West - know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment - a moment that will define a generation - it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter’s courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent’s willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends - hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism - these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility - a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.
This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence - the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed - why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America’s birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:
“Let it be told to the future world…that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive…that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it].”

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.