Bad, bad blogger

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. All for good reason! Swear it'll all be worth it once I finally find the time to divulge. I just wanna be able to have a decent amount of time (and a non-cloudy head), to truly devote to the telling and give that post the justice it so deserves. And whelp, now is not the time considering my current condition. (Wow, I'm pretty serious...possibly still a wee bit drunk).

I will say, things are going fabulously. I have had an amazing weekend. Even more so, an amazing past two weeks. I'm looking forward to relaxing on the couch today and recouping from all of the amazing-ness. Yes, my ears are ringing, throat is scratchy, and thighs are burning from an all-night dance party last night. Ah, the good burn that comes from seeing an awesome band play until last call. Though I seriously can't hear the television (sorry neighbors for the unusually loud volume). Then a Netflix movie later with the fireman. Gosh, I love Sundays. And did you catch that? Yes, the fireman and I are doing wonderfully. There's so much to tell so I can't even sum it up. I won't even try!

I plan to update this week. Ugh, I need another cup of coffee.....

Today is a good day.

President Obama's Inaugural Speech:

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents.
So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.
These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land - a nagging fear that America’s decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America - they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.
We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted - for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things - some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.
Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions - that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.
For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act - not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.
Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions - who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them - that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works - whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public’s dollars will be held to account - to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day - because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control - and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart - not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience’s sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.
Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort - even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society’s ills on the West - know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment - a moment that will define a generation - it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter’s courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent’s willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends - hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism - these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility - a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.
This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence - the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed - why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America’s birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:
“Let it be told to the future world…that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive…that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it].”

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Double the pleasure

I am currently overflowing with excitement. I am fighting the urge to put exclamation points after all of my sentences (because it's just annoying and feels like the writer is screaming at you). I just wanna jump up and down and shriek! (Let me have one).

Professionally, I'm movin' on up. Just had an awesome, low-key coffee meeting with the managing director of my agency; i.e. the big guy, to discuss my "professional development." It was actually part 2 of a discussion we had before the holiday. He is awesome. I'm so excited to learn more and gain more marketable skills. Not to mention, it's great to hear positive feedback from anyone, not to mention, management. Hell yes!

Personally, I have date number 2 with the fireman tonight. He called me last night. (Perfect timing if you ask me. Our last date was Sunday then he worked 7am-7am Mon to yesterday). I was in the gym so I called him after I was finished. We had a good little convo. I slipped in there that I didn't think the Sat wedding would work out. He was totally cool about it which I was sure he would be. I have a super busy weekend ahead of me, so he asked me out to dinner for tonight.

Is it possible that the love life and the professional life can BOTH be going well at the same time?! I thought that was completely unheard of!

Ah well, early days, early days. But exciting nonetheless!

P.S. I apologize for how many times I just said "awesome" and the use of exclamation points. Trust me, I toned it down as much as I could.

I keep my promises

Ah yes, elaborate I shall. It can probably go without saying that the fireman did in fact show last night.

Fast forward fact: I know there's chemistry when I get in my car and I have to shriek. Not scream, just a high pitched shriek. It took all I had to wait till I got outta that parking lot to shriek behind the wheel. Then I smiled to myself a bit. I was still smiling a little even by the time I walked into my apartment. (Go ahead, throw up in your mouth a little. I know you want to. Sorry).

So anyway, as odd as the whole concept was, it held my interest, kept me intrigued, and in hindsight I recognize it's probably just what this girl needed (to feel all that oddness). I am a strange creature at times--especially on the heels of my hibernation where I'd tell even some of my closest friends I'd do something with them and then bail. I couldn't really bail on this. More importantly, I never felt the desire to. Instead of texting with him and talking about plans, it was sort of a game. Texting as a form of dating really gets on my nerves. It feels like such a cop-out. Minimal effort for maximum results. Yes, time spent with me is considered maximum, my friends. You as well ladies (and fellas).

Now let me just add that if the fireman wasn't a friend of a friends boyfriend, I would not have participated. My closest friend vouched for him so it was OK. If I'd gone missing, people would know who to look for. This girl does not recommend doing this sort of thing with a perfect stranger. At least not without some pepper spray on-hand.

Still, I was anxious as shit. It didn't help that while facebook chatting with my old college friend Nick, just hours before date time, he planted a seed that my wandering mind watered like hell. He expressed his unsettling thoughts: maybe the guys' married or living with someone and that's why he "didn't want to talk all day." Thanks a bunch, man. Sheesh. I usually go through a small fit of paranoia right before a first date so I briefly entertained that thought as a genuine possibility. It was vetoed by my friend while on speaker phone as I did my make up, which is always my prime freak-out time. I think it's because once I've carefully applied a full face of fresh make-up there's no turning back. I'm going out that door.

So I rolled up at about five minutes till 7:30. I sat in my car for a bit. What if he was there and saw me pull up? I frantically searched passenger seats of the cars in the parking lot, careful to not be too obvious. What if he saw me looking for him? I saw no one. Suddenly the thought of him watching me walk to the door freaked me out. I didn't want to get there first so I sat there for a bit. I'd watch him walk in and then I'd follow. Yeah, I'll just stroll in a couple minutes after. But then the horror of the thought that he watched me pull up, saw me look around and then saw me sit and wait in my car for a while overcame all other worries and I just got out and headed for the door.

I walked into the bar. Of course the playoff game was still on so the bar was packed. With guys. Everyone turned to see me walk in. Alone. Shit. (I understand people may do this all the time but lil' ole me was like a fish outta water). I figured I'd walk around the bar, swoop the scene and then hit the bathroom which was conveniently located on the other end of the bar and around the corner. If I don't see him on my way out, I'll bounce. I saw him no where. Fuck. What the hell was I doing?? I officially walked the entire length of the bar. No fireman to be found. I turned the corner and there he was, sitting all alone on a bench by the other door. The door to the restaurant. Not the bar. He immediately jumped up, walked over to me and gave me a hug. Shew. bomb dodged. Ego in tact.

He said he couldn't remember if he had said 7 or 7:30 so he'd been there since 6:45 just in case. That warmed my heart a little bit. I told him he could've just called or texted me, but oh, wait, that's right there was a rule against that. :) I definitely probed his reasoning behind the concept. He laughed, said it felt like a really good idea last night. I told him it was memorable, if nothing else. And that it was.

So we opted to grab a cozy booth in the bar portion of the restaurant. More casual which I prefer for a first date. We had a couple drinks, some food, and a lot of easy, fun talking. He was all smiles. As was I. Nothing short of adorable. I liked him more that night than I did the entire day before. He was great. A real great guy. I know it's great when we're constantly smiling at each other. (OK I just said great in one paragraph more than I have on the rest of this entire blog). There was definitely some consistent cheesing going on in that booth. And I'm not talking about the loaded cheese fries we devoured. Though they were equally fabulous.

It wasn't a late night. We left by 9:30 at the latest. We both had work in the morning, him much earlier than I. He walked me to my car, a hug, and small peck on the cheek and we said our goodbyes.

The date didn't end without him asking me out again. But, (always a but) he asked me to go to a small, very low-key wedding on Saturday. It's brief, noon to 3ish and apparently no big deal if I attend or not. My initial reaction is it is too soon for something like that. Combine that with the fact that I have a hair appointment at 9:45am and then a birthday party in the city at 7 and I just don't think it would work. I told him I thought it might be cutting it a little close, but I'd let him know. The problem is I don't want him to think that I'm turning him down because I don't want to see him again. I definitely do. I haven't heard from him yet, which is absolutely fine. In fact, he had to work a 24-hour shift starting at 7am so technically he's still working. I think I'm just going to let him down easy, but let him know I'd like to see him another time that would work better. A girl should never be too available anyway, right? Right.

I talked to my friend after the date. Told her it was awesome. She says it's good to hear friends go on successful first dates, gives us hope that they're still out there and possible. Even if nothing comes from it. That high from a good first date is fabulous. She said the fireman called his friend (our other friend's boyfriend) after our date and said I was a 10 out of 10. Presh.

So it's possible there may be more of this fireman to come. I just can't get enough of calling him a fireman. Mmm, hot.

First date = Awesome

I'll elaborate later. But just know, it is still possible to have an amazing first date. (I was beginning to lose hope).

Ask and you shall receive

Well, sorta.

I sort of have a date with a new boy tonight. I'm hesitant to document this because the whole thing has the potential to be extremely awkward, embarrassing, and ego-bashing. The deal is, we're supposed to meet at 7:30pm at a restaurant. The catch is that we're not supposed to talk/text all day today. I met him last night, and we're just supposed to show up today. Or, not show up of course.

This guy is a friend of my friend's boyfriend. I met him last Saturday when a group of us went out to watch the NFL Playoffs. He's a fireman. Of course, last night was the same and he came again. Apparently, the fireman has been smitten with me since we met last Saturday. We barely talked besides being introduced. Yesterday we talked a lot. We exchanged numbers but are not supposed to talk, just meet.

So like I said, this has the potential to be totally awkward. 1. One of us might not show up. 2. He is friends with my friend's boyfriend so there are ties. 3. Well, those two are enough aren't they?

So I'm going to show up. He says it'll be awesome. I said unless one of us doesn't show. Not gonna lie, I'm slightly intrigued. Unless of course, he doesn't show. Then I'll hate him forever for making me feel like shit.

This just happened...

Currently, it's Saturday morning. I'm lounging on my love seat with my lap top on my lap, scanning through the many pages of my tumblr dashboard while watching The Goonies and drinking Cinnamon Spice Dunkin Donuts coffee (God, I love Saturdays). I'm sitting here thinking about how I want to buy a house. Daydreaming about all aspects of it. As I'm sitting here, I glance out my sliding glass door windows.

I'm on the second floor of my apartment building. Behind my building is a very steep, large hill. At the top of the hill the ground levels off to a parking lot that backs up to the next set of apartment buildings. I can see cars driving through the circle up there.

Well, I glance out the sliding glass door windows to see a large Uhaul-looking truck make the turn in the parking lot. Except the truck is not a moving truck, it's a piano moving company truck. Who knew there were moving companies specific to pianos?

Why is this significant to me, you ask? It is significant, especially at the very moment that I'm thinking of my potential new home, because I remember that I have a piano! My piano is an old upright player piano (the kind that you can set to play by itself). The piano used to belong to my grandparents. I took lessons for many years while growing up, and always when I went to my grandparent's house I would play their piano with my Pop. I would play and my younger cousin would dance on the circular braided rug behind me and play with my long hair. When my Pop died, I begged my grandmother to let me have it. She did.

That piano has been sitting in The Exe's parent's basement for four long years. I've never lived in the same place as it. We moved the piano there when we bought the house together, but hadn't finished our basement yet. That was where it was going to go. Obviously that plan went to shit and the piano is still sitting there.

As I'm sitting here I am reminded that when I buy my very own home I'll be able to bring that piano that means so much. I'm officially excited.

Ready, Set, WAIT!

I'm ready to buy a house. Mentally that is. Financially? Jury's still out on that one. But, first things first. Mentally, I'm ready to be a home-owner. I've been doing some research on the web and checking out prices. I'm sorta getting excited about it, but also getting totally afraid of things like: my credit score, finances, all of the steps, the commitment, can I even do it on my own?! Well, I want to. This is a big, first step for me. Let's see if I can make it happen.

I'm ready to date again. Of course since I'm ready I find no one worth dating.

The "new boy" that I mentioned in the past; let's just call him Insurance boy because he works for an Insurance company (why did I capitalize that)? Anyway, Insurance boy is trying to make a lame-ass come back. That's the thing about texting, makes it so easy for boys to produce lameness.

The cable guy that has been trying to date me since I broke up with The Ex (yes, that's 2-1/2 years for those keeping track), is still yes, trying to date me. Persistence award for him. (Recap: he's called the cable guy because he works for Comcast and hooked me up with free cable when I first moved out and was dirt poor. I now have a nicer place, digital cable that I pay for, and even a flat screen TV. WOO)! But yeah, trying to date even though he says he's not trying to date me, "it's just dinner." Bull.

My mail man is trying to date me. Now, my mail man is a guy I knew from middle school. Small effing world. I discovered he was my mail man a few months ago when he left one of those USPS slips that let you know you have a package at the post office in my mailbox with a cryptic note saying hi and who he was. Now let me just say, he did not include on that wee little note that he was my mailman so it creeped me out. It wasn't until he found me on facebook and told me that I felt slightly relieved. Since then, he's been trying to date me. I'm sorry, but just because I kissed you on a park bench when I was 12, doesn't mean I'm going to have lunch with you at the ripe age of 28. Over the holiday he went as far as holding my packages hostage so he could come by and drop them off himself. Ugh. I couldn't get out of that one, and had to let him stop by. Blah.

But no new boys and that's what I want.

I'm ready for more money, but don't foresee it coming from my current gig. I'm spending the weekends job hunting and tightening up my resume.

Guess I've got big plans for 2009. Who knew?!

In other, completely unrelated news, I'm going to a happy hour with a couple ladies after work tonight. So excited that it's Friday! Tomorrow the brother is coming into town and we're gonna meet some people and watch some playoff football. I got nada on Sunday and that's just how I like it. I do, in fact, have Housebunny on DVD (go ahead, judge). The weekend seems to be shaping up nicely. I'll be in touch!

Disappointment

Why does it seem that everyone in my life, outside of my family members, manage to disappoint me at some point? I don't mean small disappointments like, bailing on a night out on the town, I mean, the realization that a friend is not the friend I once thought they were. I'm not swearing perfection here, exactly the opposite in fact. I'm terribly worried that it's me--me being the common denominator in this plaguing fact and all.

I've always gotten along better with guys as friends than with girls. Guys are so uncomplicated. You really do not have to worry about them judging you or talking behind your back. They're blunt. Everything is just out there. I operate that same exact way. I put it out there. I can't conceal a feeling if I tried. It hurts to try. I'm painfully honest with my friends. Sometimes I think they can't handle it.

My girlfriend relationships have always been a roller coaster. I have one solid friend that I've been friends with forever, but I swear the only reason why is because she's engaged and we live separate lives. The friends I spend time with day to day seem to change. It's as if I can only handle being "best" friends with one person at a time, but that friendship doesn't sustain. We drift and I don't know why. What is it I'm doing wrong?

Most recently, the latest drift has been plaguing me more than any other of the past. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and friendships aren't as easy to find. Not like you can chat up someone in the hallway or during a class. Those days are most certainly over (and they ain't making a comeback either). Yes, this may be true but mostly it's because I thought I had finally found a friendship I'd always wanted. Something rare. But it somehow slipped between my fingers. We're still friends, but it's not the same. We're more like acquaintances. We used to talk everyday, knew everything going on in one another0s' lives, and now I feel like a stranger. I'm not sure why the change happened. She doesn't seem to care. Which makes me think it must be me.

The worst part it is, I've felt this way in general for quite a while--this blaming of myself for dwindling friendships. I had never told anyone. Ever. Frankly, it's embarrassing. But, I told her. I told her how I feared it was me. I confided in her this embarrassing fact because I thought she'd always be there. I knew she'd be honest with me. She told me there was no way it was me.

I've tried to talk to her about this feeling quite a bit in the past 6 months but I've gotten no straight answer to speak of, and still nothing has changed. First, she came to me and said it was a birth control she was on that she found had side effects that put her in a nasty slump. She apologized. She blamed herself entirely. She said all of her relationships had suffered. She got off the birth control. That was in June. Since then she has always said she's so busy with work and freelance work. So busy. No time for friends. None. (All of this without my asking anything. I've given up making attempts). But I see she makes time for other friends somehow. I see it in hte updates on her facebook for Christ's sake. Honestly, I feel like she's been trying to break up with me but just keeps beating around the bush. It's hurtful. I wish I knew why.

Sometimes I think I'm too trusting of people. Too open. It makes me want to hole up and not trust anyone because inevitably, they'll let me down. I'm going to try to fight this feeling because I know it leads no where good. I'm going to try to just be carefree and act as if I'm not bothered. But it's hard work to suppress feelings of hurt.

Self-inflicted torture

I tell everyone, including him, that we're friends simply because it's easier. I am not blind to the fact that we get along great as friends yet horribly as lovers. Even when he compliments me and compliments "us" I shake it off and say, "We are great as friends, I like it better this way." Even when he says he thinks we'd be great together. To him, I disagree. I disagree because I know he doesn't fully mean it. I know he can't give me what I'd want from him and I'd simply wind up let down. I'm sparing him, myself, and us that disappointment.

Today when he asked me to answer him honestly I lied. I lied when he asked, "Does any part of you still have a small crush on me?" I said no. When I asked him the same question, he said he did. I don't believe him. So I said what I always do, "we're great as friends."

Since he's dropped me off I've thought of him. I've checked my phone once or twice. I've debated calling him and telling him I lied. But then I stop myself because I know it will get me no where. I'd simply be putting my neck out there and in the past, doing that hasn't served me well with him. We're better this way. It's the only way we can continue to get along, or rather, the only way I can continue to get along with him.

On New Year's Eve he came over while I was getting ready for my party. He came over to give me a New Year's kiss since we wouldn't be together when midnight struck. We kissed. We hadn't kissed in months. We vowed not to kiss anyone else that night. When I came back home, slightly tipsy, I called him and went to his place. I cuddled into bed with him still in my cocktail dress. He held me. He didn't try to do anything other than keep me warm. He didn't try even though we'd slept together before. He didn't try even though I'm sure he knew he probably could. He even said, "I was going to try to have sex with you when you came over, but I'm gonna be the nice guy, and not." I'm glad he didn't. On New Year's Day when he came over (fainting an excuse to need to use my computer even though today he told me he had bought a new one and didn't need mine), he said he was trying to show me that he could be a good guy. I'm skeptical still. There had to have been another reason.

I'm glad he didn't try thought, because I wouldn't have been able to say no yet I would have been able to feel crappy about it. I'd feel crappy about it because it's not just sex with him. I care about him. Ah, the cliche of it all.

I do, truly, enjoy the friendship we have now. We have fun together, act silly together, and really talk to one another. Our relationship has grown considerably. Slowly, but surely, it has become more real.

What I'm wondering is if in fact this crush I have on him will ever go away? It's been going strong for 8 months now. Some of those months we were together, but most we were not. And even during the months we were together, our "together" wasn't much to speak of. It is right for me to deny my feelings, right? I'm sure it is. He's one of those guys that only seems to be interested when he is experiencing denial. The second I give in his interest will lack and the only reason he's popping these questions about me and us is because he's not getting anything from me. I'm sure of it. I think.Am I only experiencing these feelings because there is no one else of interest to speak of? Would another guy cause him to disappear from my mind?

Now if I could just will this crush to go away, I'd be golden.

Things to do before you turn 30

Reblogged from http://kari-shma.blogspot.com

Bold the ones you’ve done. (Original post found here)

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain (does it count if it was while in a car)?
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula (in the wild, in Cali)
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris (I've visited Paris in Vegas)!
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theatre
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on a television news program as an “expert”
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking with the windows open
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Conclusion: I have a lot to do in two short years.

A Divine 2009

I'm optimistic about this new year of 2009. Possibly this is simply because I am a relentlessly optimistic person by nature. Regardless, I am.

I am optimistic despite the fact that I've never felt more alone in my life. Alone in my social life, specifically, both sexes. Girlfriends, boyfriends; there's no discrimination.

I'm sure it goes without saying that I am in fact, single. My best friend and her long-time, fabulous boyfriend just got engaged on New Year's Eve. I am SO happy for them. Seriously. They're one of those amazing couples that compliment each other perfectly and have a wonderful, strong relationship. They're that couple you hang out with but never, not for one second, feel like a third wheel. Awesome in every sense. (Teensy bit depressed for little old me). Not showing it. Promise. The majority of my other friends, even my best guy friend most recently, are coupled up. I'm through with casual encounters. This feels good, but at times, baaaad. Painful even. The Ex is gone and gone for good this time. Restraining order boy is also done and done. Jimmy and I are friends, but strictly friends. Like I said, no casual encounters. New boy? Done.

So yep, that leaves me all by my lonesome. I stay in a lot lately. And I mean a lot. I stay in alone a lot. A lot. Except I go to the gym. Oh, an Target.

So why am I optimistic you ask? Well, there is no negativity in my life. There is no poison. The bad people are gone. The new people I choose to let into my life will be positive and I plan on being sure of that. As many of us do around this time, I feel as though I have a clean slate. The skeletons have been yanked, pulled, and drug out, (more times than necessary), and have been laid to a final rest. I've exhausted all opportunities that lie in my past. There are no unanswered questions left to explore in '09.

I've had my heart broken. But it's over. I've been betrayed, disappointed, let down. I plan to live smarter in the coming year. I rang in 2009 with new friends. Yes, it was awkward to get all dressed up in a cocktail dress, drive to the city, park, and walk to a house I'd never been, to a party that housed only one person I knew well and one other I'd met only once before, completely alone. Yes, it was odd. But I had a fabulous time. Everyone was so incredibly fun and friendly. (I realize alcohol was involved, but still). I accepted an invitation that I'm sure I would not have this same time last year.

They say the way you spend your New Year's Eve celebration is a reflection of how you will spend that new coming year, and I'd like to believe that I will spend 2009 stepping outside of my comfort zone, meeting new positive people, therefore allowing myself and my experiences to change. From new things comes change, and I've been stuck in a holding pattern expecting to find something new in the old. I stumbled upon a yearly horoscope for "the year ahead: 2009" and found this:

"Ditch your ideas about the way things ‘should’ be, because these will only stand in your way. It’s time to let go and experiment. Sometimes control isn’t possible."

And that's just what I plan to do. Call it my, I don't know, New Year's Resolution? Original, I know.

Happy New Year, all. Cheers.