I'll probably follow my own lead and be an idiot

Because after weeks, heck, over a month of the Jimmy (who I'd rather simply refer to as the adult crush), and I being friends legitimately and myself saying over and over that I like it that way (even if I do admit to still slightly crushing on him, outwardly we've been nothing but friends), he called me today in an attempt to be more than just friends. Not in so many words but I know what he's eluding to.

I did drunk call him Saturday night. And then called back with a lame excuse to come pick up my Dark Night DVD. Like I needed it at 2am. I just wanted to see him because I was tipsy. Nothing happened. I didn't want anything to happen. I just was tipsy and wanted to see him. I always call him when I'm drunk. He's who I want to talk to. He always entertains my silliness and talks to me on my ride home. I think he likes it just as much as I do.

He came by yesterday to borrow an iPod attachment from me. He's so freaking cute.

Today he asked if he could come over after his game and talk, maybe cuddle a little.

I'm such an asshole because I'm thinking about it. Jeez. Sheesh. Ugh!

I keep telling myself that his lease is up in 4 measly months and he's going to move. I know that once he moves I'll never see him again. I'm pretty darn sure of it. So what's the problem in entertaining seeing him here and there for the next 4 months. We've been friends for a while. I'd like to keep the friendship there and not go any further.

We'll see.

Ex-factor

The problem with hanging out with an ex, no matter how long it's been since the end, and no matter how much you've convinced yourself that you're over it all and you're now a new shiny person who is capable of a friendship, the problem is, you're wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

If you loved the person at any point in time then that love does not disappear. The relationship ended, and it ended for a reason. Probably a good one. At some point those reasons, no matter how far you've pushed them out of your mind, will resurface. Those unanswered questions will come back up. The questions you'll never truly have an answer for, except you do. You admitted them to yourself long ago, but the presence, well the presence has you being naive again. That closure you created for yourself because he just wasn't worth the time. It'll open up again. Frayed ends. You'll find yourself going through the same old motions. You'll feel that pang of hurt. It'll flood back in as though you never spent all those years building a wall. Fresh cuts as if they were carved the day before. Ouch.

Always, with that person, it will be there. No matter how much you want to prove to them that you've changed. Two years later you're different now. With them, you're not. You'll morph into that sad person. They'll get the best of you. Again. Over and over. You'll never escape it until you escape them.

La dee da dee da

I'm covering my ears and singing to block out the sounds of judging. No judgment, (please)?

Guess I'll start with the portion of my tale that's the most judge worthy. Jump right into the meat of it. Let me just first start out by saying, (well second since first I'd like to ask you kindly not to judge), that I am happy with my decisions (for the most part) and do not feel dreadful. Funny how looking at something with a different attitude, a new perspective, can change the entire outcome.

Ahem...

I hung out with Jimmy last night and yes we hooked up. Yes, after I said I was done, finished, finito exactly one week ago today. (Insert judgment here).

I have to say that rather than feeling dreadful today I feel liberated. I'm officially and proudly over the crush. I no longer want anything from him nor do I feel disappointed or dissed by him. I have to assume I got over the crush after deciding not to talk to him and not to care anymore. It worked. I don't know how we humans do it, (I assume it happens for us all), but I love how I can will a feeling into eventual reality. Sometimes it takes longer than other times, but ultimately I reach the emotional state of being I've set out for.

It all began when I ran into him while I was walking my dog after work. He was throwing the football with his roommate. He immediately got that ear-to-ear, adorably childish grin on his face when he saw me, yelled my name and then ran up to me. I was on my cell phone with James trying to persuade him to come up to my neck of the woods to watch some Monday night football. Of course Jimmy proceeded to act like the child he is and yell loudly (so as to be sure the person on the other end of the line would hear him), to get off of the phone, who am I talking to, and is it a guy?? He even grabbed the phone at one point and talked to James for a bit. Oy. Thank goodness it wasn't The Ex.

I hadn't seen him in over 2 weeks. Feelings: nada besides simply sheer physical attraction and the fact that he was playing football, hot. Oh, and the realization that we were wearing the same exact jersey. Presh. Still, all in all good.

He called me a couple times after the walk. I talked to him for a bit. Nothing big. It's funny how he seems to think I cease to exist when he hasn't seen me for a while and then once he does see me he is immediately shocked and consumed with my existence and can't get enough. As if he honestly forgot about me.

I went to watch Monday night football with James and The Ex. The plan was to just go with James, but once The Ex got wind that James and I were going together he insisted on tagging along. James was literally walking out the door when The Ex called him on his way home from work and insisted on coming along. James had to wait for him to shower, change, the whole deal. I don't mind that he comes but it changes the dynamic a wee bit. He still just doesn't seem comfortable with the two of us hanging out alone. Oh well. Such is life.

While I was out I got a few texts from Jimmy asking if we could hang out. Begging really. Outwardly begging. I knew what it was all about. The old feelings of "I shouldn't" were present, but something new was also. I wanted to. And I wanted to not for the same reasons that I used to want to. I wanted to because I felt totally in control. I'm not that pansy, what if this, what if that girl anymore when it comes to him. Yes, I still find him attractive (I didn't have a lobotomy), but I'm not searching for more than satisfying that physical attraction. I'm single. He's single. Part of me did want to show off my new improved self.

The Ex dropped me off (this is sorta why I say I don't feel badly "for the most part." It's The Exes involvement in the scenario, which there is more of that I will get to later on). So The Ex dropped me off and after a quick freshen up I went to see Jimmy. During the freshen up The Ex called (I think to see if I'd answer...curious as to whether I'd be involved in a late-night visit). He wanted to say good night and let me know he was almost home. Nice.

Shortly after hanging up with The Ex I headed for Jimmy's. Hanging out with him was fun. We talked, we laughed, etc. ETC. Lets just call it as it is, ya know? I had fun joking around with him and being the girl that is in control instead of the girl that wanted more. I talked to him about The Ex and he offered advice. He threw in the appropriate jealous annoyed comments, but also said I can't hold back and should just give him a chance. I didn't want to spend the night because, duh, I'll sleep better in my own bed and a girls' gotta work in the morning! HE seemed to be the girl that wanted more and I was eating it up. Isn't that how human nature works? We want what we can't have. As soon as we have it we don't want it anymore, but take it away, and by god we wanted that! Oh the tables, how they turn and there's nothing I like more than when they are a turnin' in my favor.

The truth is, it felt like we were friends and I like that feeling so much better than the previous feelings of the Jimmy and I saga. What this was, was the ultimate summer fling. Inappropriate, hot, and utterly convenient, lasting from May until September. Who could ask for more? And that's just it, no one should have ever asked for more. Yet that's just what I did; went ahead and killed it with the illusion of wanting more. Let me be straight with myself and say that I knew from the beginning I didn't want anything serious with him. I just got a little side-tracked. I blame the sex haze, which then caused my ego to be bruised and then I might as well have been Alice falling down the hole to Wonderland constantly seeking my ego to be repaired by him. Stepping back from him and alleviating the idea (or more like coming to my senses) that it couldn't and shouldn't be something more, allowed me to see it for how it is, how it was, and of course, how it should be. (Shout out to Salt 'N' Pepa for that one, didja catch it)?

Bottom line is there's a reason I crushed on him on the first place and it's because without all the pressure he is a funny, adorable, entertaining guy and definitely someone I can be friends with. Potential boyfriend material? Not so much. No news there. So I'm back and I'm walking on solid ground. Last night felt like closure and there's nothing this girl likes more than closure followed by some redemption, and topped with friendship so my relationships do not feel trashy and pointless. Make no mistake, no judgment coming from this direction for those relationships that don't.

Funny though, in a sort of sad way he asked if that would be the last time we would be together like that. I told him I didn't know, duh. And he asked that I let him know if I'm getting back with The Ex so we can be together one more time. He wants to know when it's going to be the last time. I'm not sure how to take that, but I feel like it's a little bit sort of, maybe in the realm of sweet. He told me he's probably moving. I'm thinking that will bring a close to our final chapter. We see each other now mostly in passing, coincidences and if it's planned then it's last minute and I only agree because of how close he really is. This is a shame considering I feel like I've just now discovered how to enjoy him in a new way, a way I could probably enjoy worry free indefinitely.

As a joke, because he gave me such a hard time for not calling or answering his calls after our last escapade, I sent him a text this afternoon that simply said, "So I'm texting you so you can't say you didn't hear from me the next day like you said last time ;)" He immediately called me. I mean a second later. So quickly that I thought possibly it was an incredible coincidence, but no, he had received the text and was calling. Calling because he wanted to know why I cared considering I had admitted last night that "it was just sex." I told him I had been kidding last night (though I wasn't), and he went on to tell me to stop lying and just be for real with him. He seemed serious so I settled with, how about we don't label it. He liked that. We chatted a bit. Nonsense really. I ended the convo so as to avoid wanting more. Perfect, and I still feel wonderful about the entire situation. It's obvious by my blogs that I was consumed with analyzing that situation and I'm happy to finally put it to rest.

So moving on to why I feel content with last night's decision but only, "for the most part." The part I don't feel good about is the proximity of its' timing to certain other events. Once again I'm going to ask for the ceasing of judgment at this point.

Ahem...

(I'm gonna ease into this one)

So I mentioned that I've been spending a bit of time with The Ex and by what I've said already I think it's clear that this little tidbit remains true. On Saturday I allowed him to come up to my parent's place with me for their end of summer shindig, as friends. I made it clear to all that we are just friends. What did my mother do when she saw him? Cried. Yup, she freakin' cried. She would not stop hugging him and was actually crying real tears. Get it together, Mom! Jeez, we're playing it cool and she was totally not helping. It was only a matter of time before my Dad had him out in the garage and they were discussing tools and work. I barely saw him the entire time we were there. They really had missed him, it was evident in how they talked his ear off all night.

We got back to my place around 11ish and I let him spend the night because the spending of the night was because of sheer exhaustion and not in the hopes of getting busy. He was so exhausted that he literally fell asleep on my couch mere minutes after our arrival. When I was ready I woke him and let him know I was going into bed and he could stay or join. Of course he joined. There was cuddling, but no funny business. Whelp, not until morning. Yea I went ahead and complicated the situation by having sex with The Ex. Damn it.

So if you're thinking backward in your head, doing the elementary math required, you'll see that Sunday morning I slept with The Ex, and Monday night I slept with Jimmy. Yup, call me what I am, a hoe. (Insert MORE judgment here).

Top that with I hung out with The Ex Monday night beforehand and allowed him to buy me dinner and drinks and then upon his dropping me off I skirted over to my new boy toy's and wow, there is no argument involved with the idea that I am a freakin' hoe.

And let me just back up a second. Actions that are starting to make me nervous when it comes to The Ex which I have no doubt stem from the complicating of things: while I'm on my cell phone Monday night, clearly texting, he tries to look over my shoulder and see who I'm texting/what I'm texting. This went on the entire night. At one point he literally stole my phone from me and proceeded to text back my friend Ryan with "Ur a fag." Thank god it had been Ryan I was texting back at the ime and not Jimmy. After he texted that he definitely tried to look through it more as I chased him around the pool table. I have no doubt that Jimmy was who he was looking for. That is the target he was most certainly wanted to hit. Times like that I am so thankful for my Palm Centro Smartphone that is so deliciously complicated that no one knows how to operate it. It wasn't the first time a guy's snooping had been blocked simply because he couldn't figure out how to work it. When I finally got my phone back and yelled at him then went outside with James, he rolled his eyes at me. I could tell he was annoyed that I cared that he had taken my phone. He wanted me to not give a shit about any other guys and any drama he may cause between us. Sorry but, you're not there. Throughout the night he continued to try to sneak my phone out of my purse. Calling me shortly after he dropped me off also worries me. He disguised it as saying good night, but I know he was checking on me. He didn't ask anything, but he didn't have to.

I justify my actions by thinking of it as security. Maybe the blow that will occur after The Ex effs up will be less of a tremor if I'm having a little fun on the side. If I have my own secrets, it won't be so hard to deal with the possibility that some of his may eventually come out should there be any. And by gosh, that boy hurt me badly. He owes me. What goes around comes around. (Got anymore cliches that work in my benefit)?

Technically, I'm single and not doing anything wrong. Immediately after the act I warned The Ex that I had wanted to avoid doing that because it complicates things. Okay, maybe it was a statement at the time but it turned into a warning when I went ahead and complicated them. He brushed my warning off by saying that this is us we're talking about, things won't get complicated. Problem is, the me that was involved in the us he's referring to no longer exists. He just hasn't realized that yet.

Relapse

So it seems I need to be a little more clear with myself. Okay, more like harsh.

Dating hiatus does not in any way mean that you should continue to have sex with a guy who has clearly shown he is lazy and has no interest in putting the effort into you that you so deserve.

I relapsed Sunday night and slept with Jimmy. It will be the final time. I'm sure of it because of how I felt afterward. Awful. Definite post depression sunk in immediately. I was so angry with myself. So much so, that I had to leave shortly after the act. I did a fabulous job of ignoring him all weekend which of course made him come on stronger. He's so predictable. Then I ended all of that hard work with giving up in the most extreme way. No more.

I actually left and called The Ex. I needed to talk to someone. At 1am he listened to me babble about what I did, what's wrong with me, why, why, why?? I was a wreck. He just listened and told me to just stop. I'm too good for it, and I know it. He said I am too hard on myself. Sometimes I am so incredibly thankful for him. I think he has grown to be a real friend to me. In some ways.

The next day, I felt even more foolish but immediately began the process of blocking the previous nights' events out of my mind completely. I am ending this nonsense. I know I've said this time and time again.

In other news, Ken has resurfaced and his new angle is that he'd like to be friends. I guess technically he never went away in order to resurface. I have heard from him at least once a week whether it's a text or a phone call. Regardless, this new proposal is coming from the same guy who hated the fact that I had so many guy friends, (I get along great with guys, it's just easy and I have fun with them. Period). He was always adamant about the fact that he did not have friends as girls. If he was hanging out with a girl it was because he was interested in her for other reasons. And last but not least, all my guy friends "just want to fuck" me. Ironic that he now would like to be my friend.

I of course mentioned his "theory." His response is that I could be his first friend as a girl. He just misses me and maybe it will be a disaster, but it could be a good thing too. He threw in how it has taken him a long time to get over me, that he wishes I hadn't closed up on him, i.e. all things that sound like he might not actually be over me. Hmm. Well, I am always up for remaining friends with people. I can do it. My experience is that guys usually can't. I'm skeptical because I think this may just be an angle. But, I rarely turn things down without giving it a shot, so I will. I am in full control of what does and does not happen. I'll keep ya posted on the progress of that one.

Mental prepration

At 10am this morning my mental preparation for the incredibly awkward position I will be putting myself in tomorrow began. Early, I know. I hadn't even had coffee. Already I was pacing the apartment. Finally, I was curled up on my sofa on the phone with my girlfriend unloading info. A pickle before noon on a Saturday, following a night that I didn't even go out. Unheard of for most, but not this girl.

The mental preparation is not complete. Let me explain.

Jimmy began calling me this morning at 9am. He called 2, 3 times. I was in bed. I knew him well enough to know that he wanted something. He calls for no other reason.

Let me stray from the topic for just a moment. I've finally realized that the only reason I've felt like I'm into Jimmy is because he doesn't seem into me. I blame my ego. I knew from the beginning he was all wrong for me and I still know this. I've simply been mystified as to why he stopped showering me with attention and chasing me. I've been consumed with trying to get him to figure out that he wants me again. It's the chase to get him to want to commit. If he did decide he wanted a commitment, I'd be willing to bet that I'd revert right back to being uninterested and pushing him away, as I did in May when he first came at me full force.

I'm happy to report that since this realization I've barely thought about him. Given, it's only been a day or two, but I rarely thought of him yesterday and never wondered if he'd call. When he did call at 10pm, I was surprised. I'd actually forgotten about him! I did answer though, he did ask me to come over, I declined. I told him I was tired. We got off of the phone. I'll admit, I did start to think about him after we got off the phone. Learning that he hadn't gone into work at his second job and had gone to play poker at his brother's just showed me that when he did have free time, he wasn't interested in spending it with me. He didn't even think to call me until he was on his way home. This still upsets me and bruises my ego, but I'm deciding to just get over that. He called me again a half hour later. We talked a little more. I'm not sure what his intention was. He didn't try to see me, we just talked. I probably shouldn't even answer his phone calls but I haven't gotten to that point yet. I'll get there. Baby steps. At this point I don't even plan on talking to him about it. I don't see the point and I'm not sure he'll even notice.

So back to this morning. He started calling me at 9am. Since this whole thing is now on my terms, I didn't give him a call back until I had woken up, washed my face, brushed my teeth, started the coffee, fed the boys, and taken the dog for a walk. Once I was ready, I called.

Jimmy: What are you doing? (yea, no hello, that's the first thing he said).
Me: Nothing.
Jimmy: I've been calling you all morning.
Me: You called me twice.
Jimmy: Well I'm taking (his dog) to the shelter this morning.
Me: What? No! Don't. Just wait a couple weeks. The Ex will take him if you just wait.
Jimmy: I can't wait, I can't do it anymore. I called 411, I got a place and I'm taking him.

We had a little more back and forth. Mostly me getting details. I'm not sure why he decided to call me all morning just to tell me he was doing it. Maybe he wanted to be talked out of it.

When we hung up I texted The Ex and told him the news. I texted him again. No response. I knew his crazy stripper ex girlfriend was staying with him to "take care of him" since he decided to go back to his own place, so I didn't want to call.

Another detour. Yea, he tells me Thursday that he's gonna give it a shot at home for the weekend and see how he does. His crazy stripper ex girlfriend is picking him up and taking him home that day. He says this like it's nothing, but I felt the pang. Her birthday is Sunday, he has to get her something. She wants to do something, blah blah blah. Why is he telling me all of this bullshit? I couldn't hold back any longer...

Me: Well, I'm glad I didn't stay with you like you were trying to get me to the other night since three days later you're with her.
The Ex: I wouldn't have her come get me if you had stayed. I'd probably asked you to.
(yeah right, it's still her birthday this weekend. He still clearly cares).
Me: Right.
The Ex: Besides, you'd probably be busy with Ken or Jimmy anyway.

Then I had flashes of how often I bitch and moan about Jimmy to him. How I was "out" with Ken the other night, and realized he's hearing stuff about me and other guys constantly. He's probably glad to have something to throw at me. Guess I can dish it but I can't take it.

So anyway, I couldn't take it anymore, this was about the dog so I called him. I told him. He actually said, let me talk to (my crazy stripper ex girlfriend). What, why her? Because, I need help. If she'll help me take care of him then I'll take the dog right now. Grrr...my insides were churning as I simultaneously thanked god that I didn't stay and "cuddle" with him that night this past week. What a fucker ya know? Ugh. Anyway. Focus. This is about the dog. He said he'd call me back in 1o.

I called Jimmy and told him to wait. Don't leave yet. I'm trying to talk The Ex into taking him now.

The Ex called back and said yes, he'd take him but not until tomorrow. He's having a big birthday cookout for his cousin at his house today and there will be just too many people there. If he could wait until tomorrow, he'd take him. She'd agreed to help. Ew. I don't want her crazy stripper hands all over that sweet, sweet puppy. Anger and jealousy was boiling inside of me. I did my best to ignore it because more than anything I didn't want the dog to wind up at the pound or worse, put to sleep. But wait, how are we going to do this odd transaction? Oy.

So I called Jimmy and told him. I could hear the relief in his voice. He didn't want to take the dog to the pound. He agreed to wait until tomorrow. I told him, you're going to have to come with me to take the dog.

Jimmy: What, why?
Me: Because, his crazy stripper ex girlfriend is staying with him now, taking care of him, and the only way he can take the dog right now is because she agreed to help since he's basically crippled. She's going to be there. She doesn't like that we talk. This has to be between you and The Ex not me and The Ex.
Jimmy: You've been there before?! I don't want to talk to him!
Me: Yea, well not when she's there, and why not?
Jimmy: I don't know him. I don't want to.
Me: Well, you have to. I'll go with you but you need to come.
Jimmy: Fine.

So, tomorrow, Jimmy and I are going to drive down to MY OLD house that I shared with The Ex and deliver Jimmy's dog to The Ex and his crazy stripper ex girlfriend. I've never seen her in person. I've never seen him with another girl. I've never seen another girl in MY OLD house. I was with The Ex this past Sunday, he's been trying to get back with me, I was with him this past Monday, he tried to get me to stay the night with him. Now he's playing house with her.

I have no idea how this situation is going to affect me but I don't think it is going to be in a positive way. Jimmy is my armor. Although we're not a couple, it will look like we are. I'm going there with someone. God knows I could never and I mean never go by myself. I hate to say it, but I may rather have the dog go to the pound then deliver the dog by myself. Selfish, maybe but I value my heart.

I'm not an overly religious person, but I do believe that things happen for a reason and I believe this is happening for a reason. I'm being put into this position, a position that will provide me with a picture that I'll more than likely never be able to forget. I will not be able to ignore the fact that he moved another girl into "our" house less than a month after I moved out. I'm going to see it first hand. No one should ever have to see what I'm going to see tomorrow, but I need to. It'll be something that will be a barricade that will never allow me to give The Ex a second chance. Something I know I should never do anyway.

This will be my last outing with Jimmy. Once this is over I'll be moving on.

Off track

In the beginning of the month I mentioned the drawing of a line. I mentioned being fed up with the guys that were in my life. I was ready for something real, I was letting them know, and then I was letting them go. Movin' on and movin' up.

Yet here I am once again perplexed and somewhat annoyed with these two guys.

Jimmy is obviously still around because he said he wanted a chance at something real. I always give a second chance. Especially when I'm the one who caused the damage that ended the first chance anyway. And I really like him and that's reason enough. But let me be real with myself, I've had my doubts about that boy since day one. I've doubted his sincerity and his intentions.

Ken? No excuses. He should have long since been shipped off to the land of the lost boys because I'm just not that into him.

Chalk it up to the fact that I'm frustrated with Jimmy and I, but when Ken called yesterday to see how I had been and asked if I'd meet him for a drink, I said yes. We agreed to meet at 8pm at a place between us both. Oh, why the hell not. Well, apparently, good reason.

He had wanted to meet at 8:30, I felt that was late so he suggested 7:30. He called me as he was leaving the gym around 5:30, I was leaving work. He said he'd try not to be late. I got a hunch that he had things to do. I told him we could do it another time if he couldn't make it that early, I just didn't want to make it a late night. He insisted that he wanted to see me that night so he'd make it work.

He texted me every hour after that to "see how I was making out." Is this some kinda progress report? I joked, since he's a teacher. But seriously, how are we on time? How are you making out? At 6pm, then 7pm, I mean, come on bud. Anxious much?

Sure enough The Ex's radar went off and he called while I was getting ready. I told him what I was doing. He didn't like it, I could tell. He told me to be careful and not to do anything stupid. As if I was in some sort of danger.

I hadn't heard from Jimmy all day so I called him en route in an attempt to avoid receiving a phone call while I was with Ken that I would have to ignore. He didn't answer. Oy vey.

I then shot a text over to Ken to let him know I was on my way. Basically, I hate waiting, plan accordingly. I got to our meeting place at about ten minutes to eight, and called Ken. No answer. I waited. At five after eight I got a text, "On my way." Are you kidding me? He lives at least 20 minutes away. WTF. I'm not even that into this guy, could care less that I hadn't talked to him in a week, and now here I am sitting in a parking lot waiting for his ass. I could've been home curled up in bed with the boys finishing my book that's getting seriously good. I texted him back, "Jeez, guess you really meant 8:30, huh." At 8:20 he called.

Ken: You're gonna kill me
Me: Oh god, why.
Ken: I was fighting with my brother so I left late, then I ran outta gas and had to push my car to the gas station. I think I left my wallet at the gym, (this guy is the most forgetful person I've ever met, seriously. He does this shit all the time). I put $4 in my tank.
Me: Where are you now?
Ken: 695 (which I knew meant he just got on the road to meet me).

I immediately started my car and started backing out of the parking spot. Eff this.

Me: Well, let's just do this another time. All signs are pointing to the fact that that's the best idea. (I barely am interested. You forgot your wallet, i.e. you have no money. I'm not picking up the tab, bub).
Ken: But you're already there. I'm on my way. I really want to see you.
Me: We can do it another time. (Psh, maybe).
Ken: I'm so sorry. I'm so mad at myself. You're mad aren't you? I'd be mad. Ugh, grr, blah.
Me: It's cool, another time.
Ken: Well come to my place!
Me: Nah, not tonight.
Ken: Why not?
Me: Because I'm already on my way home.
Ken: I could come to yours!
Me: Nah, another time. Meeting for a drink to catch up would've been okay but I'm not trying to hang out late or anything. Maybe another time. (Stress maybe).

He tried to linger on the phone. I wasn't up for small talk. I told him I had to go, and I drove home. Pissed.

The reality hit me that Jimmy hadn't even called me back. I felt so alone. I wanted to cry but couldn't. I wanted to drive around and listen to sappy music and smoke cigarettes but I had no cigarettes and didn't want to waste my gas. So I just drove home. Pissed. Mostly at myself.

I took off my freshly applied makeup, replaced my changed outfit for sweats, got a glass of water, and headed to my bed to read while America's Funniest Videos played in the background. I gave the boys lots of lovin' because they never let me down.

The Ex sent me a text:

The Ex: If you're not home you should be thinking about wrapping it up soon, tomorrow is gonna come quick. Be careful and don't do anything dumb. xoxox
Me: Thanks, Dad.

I didn't want to let him know that the plans fell through. It would've given him too much satisfaction.

The Ex: Anytime, when are you going home?
Me: Soon.
The Ex: How soon?
Me: Soon, goof! What's with all the questions, writing a book?
The Ex: Maybe, where are you at?
The Ex: How long are you going to be there?

Okay, this was getting ridiculous. I'm not sending a good message if I respond to every one of his texts while I'm supposed to be out with another guy. Plus, I started thinking that he was probably sending me all of these texts full of nonsense just to have me reaching for my phone continuously, therefore, annoying the shit out of Ken. (Which it would've had I been out with him).

Me: Now you're just being a brat. I see what you're doing slick.
The Ex: I miss you, can't you tell? What am I doing?
The Ex: I'll leave you alone. Have fun, be careful. I was just thinking about you. xoxoxoxoxox

I couldn't fight it any longer so I called Jimmy again. He didn't answer. But this time, he called me right back. He's been studying so much he said. The EMT test at the academy is kicking his ass. He hates test, books, studying. He's nervous he's not going to pass. All he's been doing is studying. I could hear in his voice how exhausted he was. The sound was familiar. "You miss me?" he said.

Me: I do, and I think you may have been right long ago when you said you didn't think you had the time to be talking to someone. (I hadn't planned on bringing this up at this time but it just came out).
Jimmy: Whatever, I'll talk to you later.
Me: What do you mean you'll talk to me later? No.
Jimmy: You say it like there's somebody else!
Me: How in the world did I say it like there's somebody else?? (Seriously, where in the world did that come from)?
Jimmy: That's not fair, you know I've been trying so hard at the academy, it's been so hard and I'm so tired.

I cut him off

Me: I know, I know, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. I'm just saying, I know you're busy and tired and maybe you just don't have the time. It's okay.
Jimmy: Let me study some more and I'll call you back in a little bit.

I thought for sure he wouldn't call me back but an hour later he did. We just talked. He told me about his tests. He told me how hard it all was for him. I told him about work and my friends. I didn't bring up the other subject again. I thought we'd just talk for a bit, and we did.

After we got off the phone I couldn't stop thinking about our short conversation on the subject I've spent almost a week thinking about. What did his reaction mean? Did he call back just to talk because he was trying to show me he wanted to make an effort to make time? Is he just worried I'm going to see someone else so he's stringing me along? I texted him. "Good night, I do miss you...just not sure you have the time to be talking to someone. If that's the case you can tell me, I'll understand. No hard feelings..." I'm sure he was sleeping by then so no response.

After I got out of the shower this morning I grabbed my phone to turn on the internet radio I like to listen to while I get ready for work and saw that I had three missed calls. Hmm, odd. They were all Jimmy. Yay! He saw my text and wanted to talk! He had left a voice mail, so I listened.
Negative. Nothing about the text. Apparently he had a bad morning with his dog that he's been thinking about giving away now that he just doesn't have the time for him.

Can you believe The Ex wants to take the dog? It could just be one of his sneaky ways to get close. Who can decipher the inner workings of The Ex's brain, not I. Jimmy was 100% against giving the dog to The Ex. He looked at me like I had five heads when I brought it up. Guess he's desperate. So he was calling because he wanted me to find out of my ex was serious about taking the dog because he just has had enough. Text him and let him know because he's going into class. Hmph.

Left wanting more

I woke up at around 3am last night and for the life of me, I couldn't go back to sleep. My mind just kept going. Could I not sleep because my mind wouldn't stop or would my mind not stop because I couldn't sleep? I'm not sure. I know that it was thoughts of Jimmy that were occupying my mind. He's the first thing I think of every time I wake up, whether it be in the middle of the night or the morning. He is who I'm thinking of when I check my phone to see if I have any missed calls or texts, always hopeful.

What monopolized my mind were thoughts of talking to him about us. What should I say, should I say anything, is it too soon, should I wait a little longer?

It's been a week and a couple days since he said he was grown, ready, and asked if I'd be willing to give him another shot. Not that long, I know. Factor in that Monday was his first day in the fire fighter's academy, and there's no mystery as to why he's been exhausted working two jobs. The academy has been a major adjustment. I know working until 2am Fri, Sat, and Sun at his second job takes a toll on top of that. I guess I've just wanted this for what feels like forever and having him say he wanted the same thing had me wanting it even more. And wanting it right away.

I'll give it to him, the spare time that he does have that isn't spent sleeping, seems to be time he tries to spend with me. He's not going out with his friends. He's not just hanging out anywhere. He calls me everyday. When something major happens that makes him upset or worried, he calls me. I'm that call.

This weekend was the first weekend since we've decided to "see what happens." On Friday he worked from 7am-4pm at the academy then had to go directly to his second job where he worked from 4pm until 2am. He texted me while working his second job and said that he missed me and hopes I know that and he couldn't wait to see me soon. He called me on his way home from his second job but it was 2am, I was in bed, and didn't really talk to him.

On Saturday after going to the gym he came to the pool with me. How he even woke up at a decent hour after a Friday like that, I have no idea. I'm tired just thinking of his schedule. He had to leave to go to his second job at 3:30. Not much time. We went back to his place, took a shower (and stuff), and then took a nap together with his phone alarm set so he could get up and go to work. I had dinner plans with my friend and needed to head home to get ready anyway. He called me at 8pm from work to see what I was doing and let me know how great earlier was and he couldn't stop thinking about it. Then again around 10ish when he's not supposed to talk on the phone at all. I put it out there and said I'd like to stay with him that night. He said if he wasn't too tired. Not the answer I wanted. And he did call me when he got home, but he didn't mention my coming over or him coming to me, so neither did I.

So I understand he's so busy and tired, but that was the gist of the time we spent together this weekend. And that's not enough for me.

I'm contemplating giving him an out (one I hope he does not take). Just asking if he felt he was right long ago when he said he was so busy and didn't have the extra time to be seeing someone. Is it too quick to jump to that? Should I wait a while and let him get used to the academy? I don't want to be an added pressure. That's why I rarely call him. I let him call me. For the most part I don't ask to see him, I let him come to me. But it's difficult. I feel myself holding back and biting my tongue because I want more. I just remember how I felt when Ken would tell me he wanted more. Ugh, it was a pain in the ass. It pushed me away. I don't want to do that. I would never go about it the way Ken did, but I also don't want to go about it in a way that makes it sound like I don't care (which I always manage to do with guys). I also don't want him to be feeling for me what I felt for Ken.

It all comes down to the fact that I really like him. I don't want his answer to be yes, it seems I just don't have the time, sorry. I don't want that. Should I really ask a question on the basis that I'm only hoping to receive one answer? If I'm going to get a different answer then I don't want to say anything. I'm just torn. I feel like a stupid schoolgirl. Pathetic. Hmph.

In other news, the ex-haircutting personal trainer at my gym called yesterday in an attempt to make our dinner plans. My strategy was to answer when he called and just tell him that I had been seeing someone and recently has gotten serious, sorry, bad timing. This is strictly because I'm not interested in him, it has nothing to do with Jimmy. Swear. Unfortunately, I missed his call. He left me the longest voice mail in the history of voice mails, but ended saying he'd be at the gym tonight. Great. Now I've got to do it in person. I hate confrontation.

I would've called him a back last night, but I went to visit The Ex at his mother's since he recently had surgery and has been and will be laid up for quite a while, and I was there when he had called. Again, there is no emotion attached to seeing him but I still get jealous when he tells me that his ex came up and visited him the night before and spent the night. Why do I get jealous if I don't have feelings for him? I say nothing by the way, I just feel it internally and curse myself for it. I have love for him but it feels like a family-type love. It's all very odd. It was nice to hang out with him and his mom. Mostly his mom. I miss his family. She still has a picture of him and I in a frame in the living room on the bookshelf where all of her children and their significant others are framed. Why not the most recent ex? I like that it was me, not gonna lie. Bad picture, one of us I took myself while we were in Punta Cana, but it was us so I was happy. I win! I commented on it to him, he said he had to turn it around when his ex came over the night before. I got jealous again. I stayed for dinner and that was it. No biggie.

As soon as I got in my car to leave I thought of Jimmy again.

Why can't there be guarantees in life?

Sweet, sweet pickle

So as mentioned in my last post, I've made my realization that I am ready for something real. The BBD (Bigger, Better Deal).

I'm ready to take something and someone seriously. It is due time to clear out the bullshit and make room for the realness. No more, eh, why not go out with him? From now on, I'm not going out with someone unless I significantly want to. Unless I actually see myself with this person down the road, at least in a dating sense. The, "a girls' gotta eat" motto I've been living by for the past 2 years is officially going out the window. And with that, once I've realized I don't see myself with said person, I will be moving on leaving them behind. No more worries about remaining friends, cordial, etc. No more baggage. Traveling light is the goal.

This comes on the heels of being sick and tired, tired and sick, time and time again with the guys I've been dealing with lately. Hanging out with my very best, oldest friend and her boyfriend who have a great relationship has also helped me see that I'm ready for something like what they have. Pepper in the fact that this past Friday, August 15, was my official 2-year Independent Anniversary. Yup, it had been 2 years to the day since I moved out of the house I had shared with The Ex. It hit me that I've been fucking around for the past 2 years. I'm putting my big girl pants on.

So that brings me to the events of this past weekend. Saturday my best and oldest friend and I decide to go out to dinner and drinks, something that has been long overdue. I rarely get that girl outta house, so armed with my new and improved attitude and her by my side, I was pretty darn excited. I had $100 to expense at any restaurant, a gift given to me by my company for putting in 3 years, and if we couldn't eat that $100 then by god we were gonna drink it. I bought a hot new top that would definitely go with my favorite gold heels. Perfect outfit in mind I was set.

So the best place to eat (and drink) and easily rack up $100 is the lovely hot spot that Jimmy just so happens to work weekends at. She hadn't been out in forever and this hot summer spot wouldn't be open much longer with the season quickly coming to an end, so that is where we set off. Can't lie, I was excited to strut around in front of Jimmy because, gotta say, I looked hot.

It was a gorgeous summer night so clearly we weren't alone in thinking it would be a great idea to sit outside by the water and have dinner. Needless to say, we had to wait for an outside table. We went to the outdoor deck to get a drink or two while we waited. As we casually walked onto the deck, there was Jimmy who reached out and grabbed me as I walked by and pulled me in for a big hug. It was all over his face what he thought when he saw me. How easy men are to read sometimes, I swear. Well, I was completely casual. He was all over it, introducing me to the guys he works with (obviously trying to show off that he knew me), asking when I was going to come see his dog who "misses me terribly," and complimenting how great I looked. (I had even laid out at the pool for a couple hours earlier that day so I'd have a fresh brown tan...I was wearing white shorts and a cream top with gold accessories. Glowing).

I was definitely enjoying waltzing around looking good in a see-what-you-gave-up way, and totally expected him to have that reaction. What I didn't expect was the extent of his reaction. After we were seated at our table, about to order, a guy with a basket of roses came over and handed me a red rose and my friend a pink rose. I looked at him stumped. The man then motioned behind him (clearly he didn't speak a lick of English), and as I followed his look I saw Jimmy on the other side of the bar waving. Presh. I then received a text.

Jimmy: "Oh my God you look really good tonight. I just don't know why I wouldn't try with
you, but I do like you. I think it's that I really don't think you like me, you just say you do."
Me: "Thanks, and thanks for the roses. I did like you, I tried remember? Bad timing I guess. It's cool though.
Jimmy: Well, would you be willing to talk to me again?

I had no idea what to say. My friend had hundreds of ideas, all complete with hurdles and hoops he must jump through before he'd be worthy. I knew I'd never make him do any of those things. Shortly after the last text he came over to our table to talk for a bit, bringing yet another friend to introduce me to. Funny. He asked if I got his text and I said that I had. I was totally playing it cool. He then left us to our appetizer. Finally I responded.

Me: I would but I'm not going to be the one trying. You were acting like a jerk for a while. Why the sudden change of mind?
Jimmy: I am grown up and ready now to start.
Me: Well, we can see what happens.

He went on texting me throughout the night saying things like how he has missed me and more about how good I looked. I loved it. I really did. Did I finally get what I had wanted for so long? All it took is for me to stop, give up, and then put myself in his vision? The thought was definitely running through my mind that this kid is an out of sight out of mind type guy and hadn't thought about me at all until I showed up at his work looking fabulous and so he decided he wanted me. Of course once I was no longer there he wouldn't. That he meant it then but didn't mean it indefinitely.

I can't help that I still like him so much, so I put that thought out of my mind temporarily. I decided I'd just go with it. I owe it to myself considering the feelings I have for him that clearly I just can't kick. I stand by the fact that I will not be the one trying anymore. But how fabulous would it be if were finally on the same page? Part of me thinks he has just been afraid all along. Maybe he really is ready, maybe.

My friend and I finished our dinner and stayed for a few hours after before we moved onto another bar around 11:30 to do some serious, much overdue dancing. He wanted me to come to his place and "cuddle" once I got home. He'd be getting off early and would stay up and wait for me. He texted and called me while I was out and I just told him to go to sleep. He was tired. I wasn't going home early, I was having a blast with my girlfriend. I didn't want it to be that easy for him anyway.

Another friend of mine and I headed back there on Sunday for lunch. She's much younger (I actually used to babysit her!), and she was heading to college the next day. It was our going away lunch. I was taking her to an "adult" place I knew she'd love. I know, I was not oblivious to the fact that I was going there twice in one weekend but I swear it had nothing to do with him. These were two things planned out way in advance and just so happened to fall on the same weekend. Trust me, I was embarrassed by this. But still, I did see him again. He was sweet as anything again.

My friend wound up spending the night that night so we couldn't see each other later. He had asked. I'm kind of glad I was unavailable. I don't want to be available to him at the drop of a hat, simply because he decided to change his mind and was ready. (Though I did just 3 days earlier tell him I was ready). But he did walk his dog to my apartment and ask me to come outside to see him for a minute. I did, we talked, we kissed. He asked if I was his baby. Instantly I turn to mush once again. I couldn't be happier to say yes. I asked if he meant all the things he had said the night before. He said of course he did, he wouldn't have said them if he didn't. We kissed more. Mmmm. He came back around past my place on his way home and I went out. We kissed more. Oh, crushing so badly. Shamelessly crushing.

That night I dreamed of him. I kept waking up and asking myself if the things he had said had really happened or not, and then was happy to think that it really had. This is how freaking seriously I like him. Sheer craziness. I could barely sleep just so I could wake myself up to remind myself that it is real. Disgusting, I know.

Yesterday was his first day in the academy (he just got accepted into the fire department, could he GET any hotter?). He called me at his lunch break to let me know how it was going. Again, warms my heart. He asked if we could cuddle that night, I said maybe. I called him when I got out of work, he didn't answer, and then I headed into the gym. I worked out for a little over an hour. He called me twice while I was in the gym. I called him once I got out and immediately he did the, "Where are you?" The gym! "Meeting guys at the gym?" Ugh. I hate that he assumes that I meet guys at the gym, (although, his thoughts are warranted because guys do hit on me at the gym and I had even given my number out that day to a personal trainer. I'll get to that shortly). He wanted to come by. How long would it be until I was home? I told him I had to walk the dog, make dinner, all of that but he could come by after. I called him around 8:30 when I was done walking the dog, no answer. I never heard from him again last night. Did he just fall asleep? Doubt it at 8:30.

I'm just always left feeling confused. Maybe I was right and he only said the things he said because he thought I looked good that night. Otherwise, it's out of sight out of mind for that kid. Or, was he pissed that I didn't answer when I was at the gym and was getting me back? He's so spiteful like that. Hate it. I really just don't know. I dreamed of him last night too. This time though, I dreamed that he came into my bedroom on his way into work and hugged me to say he was sorry for not calling me back last night. I dreamed that when I woke I had an apology text and a phone call. In reality, I woke to nothing. And still nothing. It's noon, lunchtime break for him, and nothing. I feel wretched. I want him to call. I want to hear from him and have him give me a reason that makes it all better.

In other news, The Ex has freaking radar. He called me last night to say hi (also while I was in the gym). I had wanted to let him know about the changes with Jimmy and I anyway. The Ex broke his ankle. He needs to have surgery. He wants me to take care of him. I told him about Jimmy and how his timing couldn't be worse. I've gotta shape up just in case this thing is for real. I'm not trying to do anything to fuck it up. At least for a certain grace period to wait this thing out. Sorry bud, you can't stay here. I'm not taking care of you.

After telling him about Jimmy, he told me to be careful. As if he should be providing advice to me regarding my love life. He knows how bad I have it for Jimmy, he can tell. After we got off the phone he texted me just to tell me how much he loves me. Jeez. I just laugh off these comments. I said, "Wow, you really want someone to take care of you, huh!" He went on to say how he wants me to, I know how much he loves me and when are we going to give it another try? I just told him, again, with the bad timing. He says that he thinks it is going to happen naturally with time. He can think that all he wants but honestly, I have no desire to profess any type of love to him. I think it's officially gone in that way. I couldn't be happier about that.

On another totally separate note (sorta). The personal trainer at the gym who complimented me my hair cut because "he used to cut hair" that I've been chatting without a care with because, duh, he has to be gay, apparently is not. Nope, definitely straight. How do I know? Whelp, he asked me out to dinner last night while I was working on my lats. Fabulous. I have an inability to turn people down, even when I know I ultimately, will do just that. I just feel so bad. I've been talking to him for days just casually, being nice, thinking he wasn't interested. Totally wrong. Damn it. How am I so naive, time and time again? Didn't I learn anything from Ken who always told me that guys aren't my friends, they just want to fuck me? (Harsh right? That's seriously how he put it.)

Ugh, I gave the ex-hair-cutting personal trainer my number. While I'm giving it to him I'm literally thinking of how I'm going to get out of this. I can't stop going to this gym, no way. I can't stop coming. I can't ignore his calls because I'll see him at the gym. I'm going to have to actually come up with a legitimate excuse. I'll just tell him I had been dating someone and it just got serious. Sorry, bad timing. I'll let it down easy. The only other issue I have is there is a trainer at the gym I had been eying for weeks. Pretty sure once it gets out that I gave my number to Larry the ex-hair cutter, I'll never have a chace with the hot trainer. And if that fact doesn't do it, my fake reason surely will. Jeez. Leave it to me. A pickle for sure. Sweet.

Effed up.

July 28, 2008

Jimmy and I were cool for all of five minutes. We didn't talk or text anymore after the last marathon text message session, but he did text me on Friday to let me know that he didn't lose his job. Shew, was so worried let me tell ya. We texted back and forth a bit but all neutral. Then Friday night when he got off of work, early, he called me to see what I was doing. He was surprised that I was home and “didn’t go out like I always do.” I could tell he was pleasantly surprised. Then there I go saying something that triggers his amazing jealousy, something that I inexplicably underestimate time and time again. I told him of how HIS friend who HE introduced me to found me on myspace somehow and requesting me as a friend. I was just mentioning it. (Or do I know this will make him jealous so I purposely tell him just to pay him back for treating me badly, talking to me badly, not wanting me the way I want him to; yeah, maybe). Anyway. I never want the consequences that follow. He flipped out. “How did he find you? You gonna hook up with him now?” "You will, you will. I bet you do.”

Well, that turned into a hang up followed by nasty text saying to never call/text/talk to him again. In fact, don’t even say speak to him should I see him. Fine. So I decided to hang out with Ken the next night. He was having a cook out and he had invited me. I wasn't planning on going but I had nothing else to do and no reason not to see him (anymore). Ken has been asking me, he wants to be with me. Shit, the kid asked me to move in with him! WTF? I hadn’t had sex in a while and I was itching. I know Ken can deliver. Man, he’s good. I’ll get into that shortly.

So while at Ken's house, of course Jimmy resurfaces. First in the form of my work friend who goes to the bar he works security at, and as one of her friends is talking to a bouncer she asks his name and my work friend over hears, "Jimmy.” She of course has heard all of my ravings of the elusive kindergarten crush turned adult crush and knew just who he was. She then talks to him about me, telling him that she knows me. She had to call me to tell me that he is precious and she can see how I got myself into trouble with him. Great. The seed had been planted.

Next, as I casually check my phone on the sly throughout the night in an attempt to avoid any harassment from Ken, I see that Jimmy had called me at midnight, of course. Of course he’ll tell me he never wants to talk to me again but then will call me. Of course during this time I will be with Ken, once again proving to him that I am nothing but a player who cannot be trusted and is not in any way serious about him. In his eyes, this is what he sees. So I just texted him.

Me: “What’s up, you called?”
Jimmy: “Yea, I called because I want to talk to you, not text you, call me back.”

Well, in the event that at that particular moment no one was in the house, coupled with the fact I’d had a few glasses of wine and had moved onto beer, I decided it would be prime time to make a quick phone call. Duh.

“Where are you?”

The first thing I hear from him as if I have no right to be out of the house on a Saturday night, am I crazy? Of course on his way home from work he sees my car isn’t parked outside of my apartment so he needs to know where I am. I tell him I’m at a friend’s cookout (totally true). Whose cookout? A friend! Gosh. Then he goes on to bullshit me in true middle school fashion about how “he heard I was out with a bunch of guys.” Whatever, Jimmy. Why does he care? Why does he care! Seriously. I don’t get why he’s so concerned with me hanging out with guys.

Well it's only a matter of time before Ken comes into the house. What did I think I was doing? He immediately proceeds to give me a hard time about being on the phone talking loudly so whoever I'm talking to can hear, about drama, you and your drama! He's kidding (acting like it). I know what he is doing. Jimmy quiets down surely so he can hear what's going on in the background before he says he’ll talk to me later. And we hang up. I haven’t heard from him since.

Ken definitely created a big fuss about me talking to Jimmy while at his house which I was able to get him to eventually let go. I wish I were crazy about him like I had been about Jimmy. He’s a good-looking guy, he wants to do things for me and with me, and he gives fabulous head. Seriously, not many guys know they’re way around a woman and I am always incredibly impressed when I find a gem that is. I always wonder if he was born a natural or did some girl along the way tell him what to do? That thought is fleeting though because the head is just so god damn good. Last night, he actually went down on other places as well. Yeah, I am so shocked by a guy who is just so into a girl that he doesn’t care to just stick his face, mouth, and tongue everywhere…even places that aren’t pleasant ya know? I'd never reciprocate, that's for sure. I'm not sure I enjoy it, but hey, it's different. I realized shortly after that the guy had ulterior motives. He was just prepping that area up for something larger. I have concerns about up the ass. Am I a hoe if I just let it happen? Do guys think of you differently if you take it up the ass without complaint? I started to let him. I mean, I felt like I owed him an attempt since he’d just spent a significant amount of time face down, down there. I am in fact a team player. It started to go in surprisingly easy, shockingly, disturbingly easy. Yes, my friends, the man is just that good (and its not because he’s small). The man just knows what he’s doing. So unlike when I’m getting head and the questions arise of where the talents originated but it feels so good that I forget them and just enjoy the ride, this wasn’t quite as comfortable so the reason quickly overtook the act and I had to make him stop. I'm just not that girl. I don't like it, don't want it and I'm just not doing it! I can't help it.

“Don’t trust anyone who is offering too much or give into an infatuation that will only lead to trouble.”

Random update

July 25, 2008

So I was supposed to be taking a fabulous, leisurely vacation to the Outer Banks (somewhere I've always heard wonderful things about but never been), with my friend Jen and her family. Oh, why I'm not going is quite the long story. Anyway, I'm not going. Instead I will be taking a leisurely stay-cation. Staying at home.

In other news, I've talked to Ken here and there. He's all "depressed" and "upset" he says. He's left me songs on my voice mail (yes, songs on my voice mail), and keeps saying how much he misses me. He asked me to dinner this Wednesday, I said yes but then canceled. He asked me to come out last night too and I said no. I don't know about him. Figuring it out.

Finally heard from Jimmy yesterday after not speaking for about five days. That may not sound like a long time but it is the longest we have gone without speaking or seeing each other. This happened after I confronted him after hearing that he had been dating some girl named "Jez." Given, this is perfectly allowed but he loved to give me a hard time about guys, all the while it seems he was doing his own thing anyway. Typical double standard.

He texted me. Be prepared, I am now going to document our text message conversation after he had no defense about seeing someone else, possibly while we were together. He simply said, "What’s up." I said, "Nothing." Then he said, again, "What’s up, I'm with my boss and can't really talk. You miss me?" (Gag me). I said, "Can't miss you because I’m pissed at you" And he said, "Why! I told you I get even. And you do miss me." (GAG ME). And I said, "EW, you're a jerk. Guess you got even then. Whatever. I'm done." (YEA!) So then he shaped up and was like "I promise I didn't do it to be mean, you were talking to Ken. I still miss you." And I was not backing down so I said "You get mad at me for the same shit you do and talk about how honest you are and I'M the liar but that's not true. And if you missed me, you would’ve called earlier." And he wrote, "Wow you are mad at me! You never talk to me like this!" And I said, "Well, I tried with you and cut people off, but I'm done now" And then he was like, "No you didn't now you're lying, that’s bullshit, you even told me you didn't so why are you lying to me right now" And I was just like, "Whoa, I never said I didn't, I said I did and I did. But it's all whatever." And then he called me. Ugh. He said he talked to that girl while I was talking to Ken and did tell me about her. He had told me about a girl that he had met but he also said that they were just friends. I'm not stupid, so I knew it was probably more than that. Whatever, I don't know. I told him whatever. Then he started talking about work because he was all upset thinking he was going to get fired. He got in a fight with his boss and all. I have no idea what's going on there, but I'm done trying. I'm done calling him or starting anything.

The Ex is The Ex and I need to ease up in talking to him. Seriously. He's a mess still talking to that psycho ex of his and some other girl too. The other girl who he "doesn't even really like" recently told him she loved him and he said it back while drunk, but he doesn't mean it. Right. Whatever. He's a hot mess and he'll always be a hot mess. No progress to speak of so I got to bow out of that.

I have my very own Domestic Violence police officer lady who calls me and checks in on me about the John situation. Classy. She checks to see if he's been picked up and said I can call her 24hrs, anytime. They even have a car drive by my street routinely, very nice. I heard from John Sunday and his dad emailed me Monday. He still hasn't been arrested.

And wow, that's my life in a nutshell.

Pickle jar

July 16, 2008

I always manage to get myself into pickles. Pickles of all shapes and sizes. I basically live in a pickle jar. One might say I do this to myself or that I like it, thrive on it, whatever. I don't really know. I also don't really mind so maybe that translates to my liking it. I just don't like life to be boring. Is that so crazy? I think not.

The current pickle has me pulled in a number of directions. The Ex has recently proposed marriage. That's right, marriage. The big "I do." Ring an' all. Now, after two years, he is officially trying to get back with me, and hardcore this time. He tried a few months back and its debatable that he's tried even before that. Of course his timing is impeccable because I've finally become comfortable with him in my life as a friend and nothing more. But then there's that love...is it still there or has too much time gone by? I don't know. I'm ignoring that one. He deserves to be on the back burner. I've got issues with today's men. Oh, and another one from yesterday.

Ex number two will be arrested this week. John. Violating that peace order the fucker. I was nice as can be during the past month while he violated the order over and over with emails, letters, and hundreds of text messages. How could I get someone arrested who was crying about how depressed they were and how they wanted me back? It just seemed cruel. Until he went completely delusional on me and in his head manifested the story that I lied in court and deserve no peace order, he has appealed it, and I’ll be seeing him in court. Oh hell no. There is nothing I hate more than domestic violence court. Having only experienced it once, was more than enough in my lifetime. I could feel the white trash seeping into my pores. I'm not trying to pick any of that up. It's just not in my DNA. So here we are again, except this time he's caught himself a criminal charge. I feel badly, I do. But I know he's done this to himself. All he had to do was forget my number for six months. He couldn't do it. I need him to leave me alone. My foot is officially down.

Then there's the face off between the other two blond-haired, blue-eyed boys in my life, (seriously, what’s up with all these guys being blond-haired and blue-eyed?) Ken, 35. Jimmy, 22. Whaaat? Yeah, couldn't be more opposite. I'm seriously crushing on the 22-year-old. The 35-year-old is seriously crushing on me. Isn't that always how it goes down? Ken is probably the smartest option for me and I was definitely all about him at first. And he's freaking hot! I mean the guy has a great body and he's gorgeous. He wants to take me here, take me there, and spend all this time with me. He tells me all the things a girl wants to hear. And the boy knows his way around the hoo-ha if you know what I mean. There's nothing I love more than a guy who knows what's going on down there. Priceless. Mr. Ken has got it down pat. I mean, he should teach that shit he does down there. All of woman kind would benefit from the knowledge being spread. Problem? He wants me to be his freaking girlfriend. Brakes. That's about the point that yours truly starts to shut down, back up, and look for the exit. There is nothing worse than having the lets-just-be-together talk too soon. And he did it. Shot a torpedo right through our fabulous courtship. Immediate halt. Now the "baby" talk and "my girl" stuff is being thrown around in his attempt to throw out there that "I'm still his." Ugh, hate it.

Jimmy, oy vey. Hot boy. Everything about him says bad and oh so damn good. He couldn't be more wrong for me if he tried thus the basis of his appeal. Mmm, he's scrumptious. He's not good in bed. No, in that arena he's your typical 22-year-old guy. It's a shame. I feel like I could teach him if he were willing. Its a challenge, and once I'm presented with a challenge I rarely lose interest. Of course meeting him while I was still with John and hanging out with him during the gray period of our break up, didn't exactly give us the best jumping off point; nah, not at all. We started seeing each other immediately after John and I broke up. It was adorable. He was so excited that we were "talking." Presh. Then he got insanely jealous, but came right out with it. He doesn't try to hide it or cover it up with other issues (like Ken). It is what it is and he's vocal about it. Surprisingly mature (unlike the 35-year-old). But, it led to our demise. I play games. I'm used to guys falling head over heels right away and wanting me for them. Jimmy fell right in line with that. The only thing he didn't fall in line with is hanging around as I messed around in cutting the other guys off. He bounced! Totally peaced out on me. He couldn’t' do it, didn't want to deal with it, so he bailed and rightfully so.

During the weekend that Jimmy was expecting me to "get my priorities in order" and "figure out what I wanted" I met Ken. Meeting Ken during THIS gray period distracted me for a bit, all the while confirming Jimmy's decision that I was nothing but a lying little player. I wanted Jimmy to be nothing anyway so I was happy for the distraction of Ken. I felt like he was what I "should" be interested in. Yet slowly but surely Jimmy crept back into my head. Now I can't get the fucker out and now that Ken is being so lame and disappointing, I really want Jimmy back.

So I've been working overtime to try to get back in good with him. Well, maybe not overtime but the fact that I’m working at all is out of character for me. I'm doing it though. It seems to be working too! I love every little moment that I feel like he's giving in. Like yesterday when he was working downtown and stopped at my work. Just stood outside my building and called and asked me to come down. We just hung out for about a half hour. It was adorable. I love how he starts to call me before and after his games to let me know how his teams did. I love when he calls me on the way to work and on the way home. I love it all. There are some things I'm missing still. And I'm not completely sure that he wants me for anything other than sex yet, but I have an inkling that it may be more than that. He's definitely making me pay a little. Reveling in it all just a little even. But I think he likes me the way I like him. He's definitely extremely cautious when it comes to me. There's a huge wall. I feel it almost all the time. There are brief (and I mean brief, as in mere seconds) that it comes down and he'll say a couple true things. All of that just adds to his appeal to me. I find it challenging and intriguing. If it comes too easy I lose interest. Even when HE came too easy I lost interest! But here I am, trying to set the pride aside for someone that I can't get out of my head, and I'm ashamed to say, my dreams sometimes too. Yes, its that bad. An adult crush at its absolute worst.