August 17, 2008

Me, myself, and I

June 1, 2008

So much has changed that I am not even going to attempt to play catch up. I’m just going to pick up with the most recent events, with as little detail as possible, that affect the present day. Just the facts my friends. John is gone. Typical three months and he is gone never to resurface. I’m done with him completely. I had sex with The Ex last week, if you can even call it that. Neither of us really got anything out of the event except for an incredibly awkward experience. I'm still mystified. I’ve been dating an incredibly inappropriate guy for me, shocking I know. This time I've truly outdone myself with a 22-year-old boy who has more testosterone than he knows what to do with. Seriously, he can’t concentrate on one thing for longer than five minutes let alone sit still. I have no idea what I’m doing besides having some sort of sex with him and admiring his incredible body. I am incredibly attracted to him.

To make an long story short, I am one hot mess. I am just as immature as Jimmy, the 22-year-old boy I’ve been spending the night with. Except now I have no one person (outside of my family) that I feel like I can trust. I don’t even feel a bond with Jen anymore. She’s like a different person, or maybe she just doesn’t have the patience for my reckless ways any longer. Guess I couldn't blamer her. I'm sick of me. It’s as if she’s decided to grow up at 23 and although I’m 27 I’m still way behind. Hot mess. Me. That’s what I am.

I’m staying in this one bedroom apartment obviously not moving in with John. I don’t make nearly enough money and I have no one. I am officially no one’s number 1. I’ll be okay because I know that I definitely need this, but fuck. Really? I don’t know if I actually like this kid Jimmy or if I just want someone to like. If its just that there is no one else. I don’t even have a friend I can count on to hang out with like I used to have in Jen. Not to mention I barely have the money for a social life as it is. I’m sick of this merry-go-round of life. I’m sick of always feeling like my world revolves around my relationship status or lack thereof. I’m sick and disgusted with it all. I feel so naïve for thinking for even one second that people care, that people can be trusted, and that people are ever who I think that they are. No one is good that I think is good. I’m always wrong. Why do I always believe that everyone has good intentions with me? I thought The Ex was good. I thought John was real. I thought Jen would never judge me or talk about what I tell her to her other friends EVEN THOUGH she told me all the dirt about everyone else. I actually thought that a 22-year-old boy who tried to be with me knowing I had a boyfriend really liked me and would continue to like me after my boyfriend and I broke up. I really am the gullible naïve person that people say I am. I’m easy. I’m stupid. Apparently I need to be protected because I’m just too nice. I’m sick of believing that deep down all people are good. I’m sick of trusting. There is no one to trust and no one in this world worth opening up to. Everyone is the same with no exceptions. I can’t believe I’ve been blind to this for so long. All this time I’ve been taken for a ride. How have I managed to come out alive? I’m tap dancing through life like no one is judging me, a sorry excuse for a person. FUCK EVERYONE. I’m on my mother fucking own.

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