Mom sitting

For the past 3 days I've been staying at my parent's place out in the middle of nowhere. I'm taking care of my Mom and the farm. The farm which consists of 5 horses (one of which is a baby), a miniature donkey, 2 dogs and a shit ton of geese and chickens. Yeah, I'm trudging it to the barn every morning at 8am and every evening rather then fighting traffic to and from my 9-5.

The reason? My Mom fell off one of those horses this past weekend and broke her shoulder. On Tuesday she had surgery to put a plate and some screws in there. That woman is scaring me these days. This is the 3rd time she's fallen in as many months and this is the first time she's been seriously hurt. She's a pistol that woman, 54 and running around like a 30-year-old, bless her heart. So I'm here on farm duty until the weekend when my Dad can take over. My boss at work is wonderful, not minding I take off for the week at the drop of the dime. I'm in my email, working from home as much as I can.

So I've been feeding the animals, feeding my parents, running on the trails, reading books and surfing the net. I brought my pooch with me, he loves it out here but boy am I missing my routine.

I didn't realize how much of my own world I'd created until I was taken out of it. My family is great, but I miss the life I've created for myself. I'm happy about this. Some people go "home" to their parent's and never want to leave. To me, home is MY home. My place. And I love that.

I love that, and with that love comes the want for a challenge. I'm ready to spread my wings even more and really vacate my comfort zone. This feeling has been bubbling for quite a while, and recently a solution has floated to the surface. I thought the answer was taking the step to buy a home because, well, that felt like the logical next step in my life. Then I realized it wasn't. A home would just keep me here. The challenge I really want and need is relocation.

I was born and raised in this same town. I didn't go away to college I stayed close to home. I've always stayed close. In my comfort zone. So all aspects came together. I hate the cold, I hibernated this winter. I want to move to the West Coast. San Diego specifically. I've been doing research on location and jobs. The more I learn the more I want it. I'm going to make it happen. It's the change I need. I can leave behind all this past that's been sticking with me and start new. There is no better time for me to do this. I have no obligations and nothing to hold me back. Nothing.

With that said I'm itching to get back to my life that is still here. I'm leaving the 'rent's place tomorrow and already have plans to meet some friends for a happy hour party downtown. So excited. My best guy friend is coming too, who...

Side note: did a little late-night confessing to me Saturday night when I went out with the boys. I often go out with the boys and when I do I AM one of the boys. Seriously. No holding back in front of this girl and damn it, I buy rounds too. We dance, we have fun. This time, me and 10 guys. Guys are so refreshing and easy. No drama, it is what it is. They just want to have a good time and that's just what goes down. Beer and shots. Dancing. Then pizza at the end of the night. Hella good time.

My best guy friend and I have been friends since middle school and we've been there through many boyfriends and girlfriends. He's The Ex's cousin for goodness sake. But we've remained great friends. We have a pact that if neither of us are married by 35, we'll marry each other. This has always been sort of a joke to me, but he confessed on Saturday night just how much it's not a joke to him. He basically wanted confirmation that should the time come, I would not say that I only thought of him as a friend and nothing else because he was counting on me. Pretty sure that was his way of discovering if right now, I only thought of him as a friend. Of course when he'd asked me I had just chased down my second shot of Grey Goose with my Miller Lite and pinkie shook that HELL NO, I would NEVER say that! Ah well. Ignoring that convo and moving right along. So far, so good. He has a girlfriend. He'll be fine. End Side note.

OH, and let me mention that Monday night as I'm packing up my car at 10pm to head to my parent's, who FLEW by? The freaking orange car! WTMF (what the mothafuck)?! The adult crush should have successfully moved this past Friday. NO reason to be cruising past my apartment at that hour. I was sort of saying goodbye to a male friend (nope, not getting into that now), so I'm sure he saw. I'm sure he did. What I'm not sure of, is WHY he was there. But what I do know, is that it BETTER not have been to check on me.

Okay, so I realize I've rambled in all directions. My apologies. Sometimes my brain just jumps from topic to topic and sometimes it feels good to roll with it. This is reality, and sometimes I just can't wrap my posts up and tie them with a bow. My bad.

A**hole factor

A conclusion has been made, and only after two hours of conversation with my closest friend, (aka my soul twin). Together we pushed, pulled, and trudged through our twisted psyches and a verdict was reached alas. Considering I've been dating for fifteen plus years, two hours ain't half bad. It is not uncommon that as her and I talk things out, one or both of us experience some sort of revelation. In fact, rarely does this fail to occur. Last night definite headway was made. It's like free therapy. Seriously.

The precursor to the convo was a toxic ex trying to claw his way back into my friend's life, (for the fourth time), and her illogical contemplation of it. Also, my simultaneous developing revelations that begged to be shared with a kindred spirit.

It hit me one day while driving, (as thoughts usually do), that I have never been in a relationship with a guy who treated me well. I've dated guys who have treated me well for periods of time, sure. Done nice things for me, yes. But I never kept these guys around for long. I jokingly refer to it as my three month itch. No matter how much I may be into someone in the beginning, how I feel after three months is the ultimate test. The make or break. The ones that make it, the ones I really get involved with, have been the ones who ultimately treated me badly. So I got to thinking about why this is. Why have I never been with someone who was good to me? Consistently good to me. Well, it hasn't happened by chance.

I realized that I've never allowed myself to be in a relationship where a man treated me well. I have let these men treat me poorly; welcomed it and went back countless times for more. Assholes don't just find me, I find them. Everyone meets them. The assholes. Most people discard them. Me? Well, I welcome them, allow them to pull up a chair, make themselves at home, and stay for a bit. In some cases, years. This may not be a conscious choice, but it is still a choice that I myself make. I'm not unlucky while the other girls are lucky to meet the guys that treat them well. I meet the nice guys too I just send them packing for some reason. Usually the reason is that something is missing, there's no connection, or there's not enough physical attraction. What's actually missing? The asshole factor.

I know what you're thinking, we're those girls who like assholes. It's not that cut and dry and it's not something we enjoy. It is so much more then that. Let me attempt to explain.

I'm sure you've heard the saying, "True love is the soul's recognition of it's counterpart in another" (I'm not talking love in all cases but you get the idea). Well that's just what we're dealing with. We recognize in them something that is also in us. We're assholes. Oh yes, we ourselves are proud owners of the asshole factor. We fuck up. A lot. We hurt people, we do things wrong. Some people are straight and narrow, we are not. Some people make normal mistakes, we make epic ones. We have a past speckled with indiscretions and the threat of more in the future, (though I think I'm growing out of it). I refer back to the quote I entered in a post just days ago, and am surprised I didn't realize it then:

"I pair up with these male versions of myself so that I don't have to acknowledge my own fear of making a serious commitment."

So while we're with these guys who wear their asshole status on their sleeves, we feel safe. Yes, it's twisted I agree. The one thing we can count on is that they will mess up. They will hurt us. Then, when we do the same, we won't feel as badly. But the nice guy? The good guy who treats us well? Oh God if we were to hurt him, we couldn't live with ourselves. We don't want to hurt them. We're still assholes and they deserve nice girls.

Armed with this recognition of myself and my part in this matter, I feel so much better. Admitting is the first step, right? Knowing is half the battle, is it not? I realize that the reason guys treat me badly is directly related to my choices (poor as they may be). I have control. I have the power to change this. I may have been saying I want a nice guy, but I don't. Even though I say I'm sick of guys, and wonder why I can't just find a guy like "this" or a guy like "that," I'm making my bed. Voluntarily, though not incredibly consciously (until now). It is valid, I'm sick of guys but what I'm sick of is guys with the asshole factor. I need to check myself.

I had mentioned that I'm raising my standards, and I am. All of these factors are in conjunction with one another and all of them will work together to help me grow out of this stage of my life with guys and be happy, with someone. Because until the asshole factor within myself dies, I won't be ready to take on the nice guy. Here's hoping it jumps off a cliff some time soon.

Ready, Set, WAIT!

I'm ready to buy a house. Mentally that is. Financially? Jury's still out on that one. But, first things first. Mentally, I'm ready to be a home-owner. I've been doing some research on the web and checking out prices. I'm sorta getting excited about it, but also getting totally afraid of things like: my credit score, finances, all of the steps, the commitment, can I even do it on my own?! Well, I want to. This is a big, first step for me. Let's see if I can make it happen.

I'm ready to date again. Of course since I'm ready I find no one worth dating.

The "new boy" that I mentioned in the past; let's just call him Insurance boy because he works for an Insurance company (why did I capitalize that)? Anyway, Insurance boy is trying to make a lame-ass come back. That's the thing about texting, makes it so easy for boys to produce lameness.

The cable guy that has been trying to date me since I broke up with The Ex (yes, that's 2-1/2 years for those keeping track), is still yes, trying to date me. Persistence award for him. (Recap: he's called the cable guy because he works for Comcast and hooked me up with free cable when I first moved out and was dirt poor. I now have a nicer place, digital cable that I pay for, and even a flat screen TV. WOO)! But yeah, trying to date even though he says he's not trying to date me, "it's just dinner." Bull.

My mail man is trying to date me. Now, my mail man is a guy I knew from middle school. Small effing world. I discovered he was my mail man a few months ago when he left one of those USPS slips that let you know you have a package at the post office in my mailbox with a cryptic note saying hi and who he was. Now let me just say, he did not include on that wee little note that he was my mailman so it creeped me out. It wasn't until he found me on facebook and told me that I felt slightly relieved. Since then, he's been trying to date me. I'm sorry, but just because I kissed you on a park bench when I was 12, doesn't mean I'm going to have lunch with you at the ripe age of 28. Over the holiday he went as far as holding my packages hostage so he could come by and drop them off himself. Ugh. I couldn't get out of that one, and had to let him stop by. Blah.

But no new boys and that's what I want.

I'm ready for more money, but don't foresee it coming from my current gig. I'm spending the weekends job hunting and tightening up my resume.

Guess I've got big plans for 2009. Who knew?!

In other, completely unrelated news, I'm going to a happy hour with a couple ladies after work tonight. So excited that it's Friday! Tomorrow the brother is coming into town and we're gonna meet some people and watch some playoff football. I got nada on Sunday and that's just how I like it. I do, in fact, have Housebunny on DVD (go ahead, judge). The weekend seems to be shaping up nicely. I'll be in touch!

A Divine 2009

I'm optimistic about this new year of 2009. Possibly this is simply because I am a relentlessly optimistic person by nature. Regardless, I am.

I am optimistic despite the fact that I've never felt more alone in my life. Alone in my social life, specifically, both sexes. Girlfriends, boyfriends; there's no discrimination.

I'm sure it goes without saying that I am in fact, single. My best friend and her long-time, fabulous boyfriend just got engaged on New Year's Eve. I am SO happy for them. Seriously. They're one of those amazing couples that compliment each other perfectly and have a wonderful, strong relationship. They're that couple you hang out with but never, not for one second, feel like a third wheel. Awesome in every sense. (Teensy bit depressed for little old me). Not showing it. Promise. The majority of my other friends, even my best guy friend most recently, are coupled up. I'm through with casual encounters. This feels good, but at times, baaaad. Painful even. The Ex is gone and gone for good this time. Restraining order boy is also done and done. Jimmy and I are friends, but strictly friends. Like I said, no casual encounters. New boy? Done.

So yep, that leaves me all by my lonesome. I stay in a lot lately. And I mean a lot. I stay in alone a lot. A lot. Except I go to the gym. Oh, an Target.

So why am I optimistic you ask? Well, there is no negativity in my life. There is no poison. The bad people are gone. The new people I choose to let into my life will be positive and I plan on being sure of that. As many of us do around this time, I feel as though I have a clean slate. The skeletons have been yanked, pulled, and drug out, (more times than necessary), and have been laid to a final rest. I've exhausted all opportunities that lie in my past. There are no unanswered questions left to explore in '09.

I've had my heart broken. But it's over. I've been betrayed, disappointed, let down. I plan to live smarter in the coming year. I rang in 2009 with new friends. Yes, it was awkward to get all dressed up in a cocktail dress, drive to the city, park, and walk to a house I'd never been, to a party that housed only one person I knew well and one other I'd met only once before, completely alone. Yes, it was odd. But I had a fabulous time. Everyone was so incredibly fun and friendly. (I realize alcohol was involved, but still). I accepted an invitation that I'm sure I would not have this same time last year.

They say the way you spend your New Year's Eve celebration is a reflection of how you will spend that new coming year, and I'd like to believe that I will spend 2009 stepping outside of my comfort zone, meeting new positive people, therefore allowing myself and my experiences to change. From new things comes change, and I've been stuck in a holding pattern expecting to find something new in the old. I stumbled upon a yearly horoscope for "the year ahead: 2009" and found this:

"Ditch your ideas about the way things ‘should’ be, because these will only stand in your way. It’s time to let go and experiment. Sometimes control isn’t possible."

And that's just what I plan to do. Call it my, I don't know, New Year's Resolution? Original, I know.

Happy New Year, all. Cheers.

Hiatus:

Ended.

Almost 3 months ago to the day I instituted a dating hiatus. If I'm being totally honest, (which I always am here if no where else), I thought it would be harder to keep than it was. Regardless, dating hiatus is coming to a close. This occurs simultaneously with my attempt to come out of hibernation....hmm, may be interesting.

I'm in no way on the prowl. I'm simply open to dating whereas I was closed before. And, whelp, I actually have a drink date tomorrow night. Just drinks. Ease myself back into the pool. The eager dater has already asked for a dinner date for Friday night, but whoa, let's see how drinks go first, buddy. (I actually said that in a joking manner. Totally serious though). Luckily my friends birthday is today so I told him I wasn't sure if she'd want to do something over the weekend since her birthday is during the week. That will be my out if tomorrow's drinks are a bust.

I'll be sure to report here. Who knows, I may be the groundhog again. One date and I'm back in the hole! We'll see :)

Ex-factor

The problem with hanging out with an ex, no matter how long it's been since the end, and no matter how much you've convinced yourself that you're over it all and you're now a new shiny person who is capable of a friendship, the problem is, you're wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

If you loved the person at any point in time then that love does not disappear. The relationship ended, and it ended for a reason. Probably a good one. At some point those reasons, no matter how far you've pushed them out of your mind, will resurface. Those unanswered questions will come back up. The questions you'll never truly have an answer for, except you do. You admitted them to yourself long ago, but the presence, well the presence has you being naive again. That closure you created for yourself because he just wasn't worth the time. It'll open up again. Frayed ends. You'll find yourself going through the same old motions. You'll feel that pang of hurt. It'll flood back in as though you never spent all those years building a wall. Fresh cuts as if they were carved the day before. Ouch.

Always, with that person, it will be there. No matter how much you want to prove to them that you've changed. Two years later you're different now. With them, you're not. You'll morph into that sad person. They'll get the best of you. Again. Over and over. You'll never escape it until you escape them.

Relapse

So it seems I need to be a little more clear with myself. Okay, more like harsh.

Dating hiatus does not in any way mean that you should continue to have sex with a guy who has clearly shown he is lazy and has no interest in putting the effort into you that you so deserve.

I relapsed Sunday night and slept with Jimmy. It will be the final time. I'm sure of it because of how I felt afterward. Awful. Definite post depression sunk in immediately. I was so angry with myself. So much so, that I had to leave shortly after the act. I did a fabulous job of ignoring him all weekend which of course made him come on stronger. He's so predictable. Then I ended all of that hard work with giving up in the most extreme way. No more.

I actually left and called The Ex. I needed to talk to someone. At 1am he listened to me babble about what I did, what's wrong with me, why, why, why?? I was a wreck. He just listened and told me to just stop. I'm too good for it, and I know it. He said I am too hard on myself. Sometimes I am so incredibly thankful for him. I think he has grown to be a real friend to me. In some ways.

The next day, I felt even more foolish but immediately began the process of blocking the previous nights' events out of my mind completely. I am ending this nonsense. I know I've said this time and time again.

In other news, Ken has resurfaced and his new angle is that he'd like to be friends. I guess technically he never went away in order to resurface. I have heard from him at least once a week whether it's a text or a phone call. Regardless, this new proposal is coming from the same guy who hated the fact that I had so many guy friends, (I get along great with guys, it's just easy and I have fun with them. Period). He was always adamant about the fact that he did not have friends as girls. If he was hanging out with a girl it was because he was interested in her for other reasons. And last but not least, all my guy friends "just want to fuck" me. Ironic that he now would like to be my friend.

I of course mentioned his "theory." His response is that I could be his first friend as a girl. He just misses me and maybe it will be a disaster, but it could be a good thing too. He threw in how it has taken him a long time to get over me, that he wishes I hadn't closed up on him, i.e. all things that sound like he might not actually be over me. Hmm. Well, I am always up for remaining friends with people. I can do it. My experience is that guys usually can't. I'm skeptical because I think this may just be an angle. But, I rarely turn things down without giving it a shot, so I will. I am in full control of what does and does not happen. I'll keep ya posted on the progress of that one.

Dating hiatus

You heard it here first (as if you'd hear it anywhere else). I'm going on a bit of a dating hiatus, which basically means that I'm going to be spending a lot of time with myself. If I have mentally prepared myself for this it won't feel quite as pathetic while I'm spending the majority of my Friday and Saturday nights chilling in with the boys, reading, watching movies, organizing my closets and other various nooks and crannies of my apartment. This may sound like a death sentence to some but it is pure bliss for me. I could occupy myself with busy things around the apartment for quite a while and be perfectly satisfied. I'll be sure to make dinner/drink plans with the girls throughout as well. Armed with my library card, my Netflix subscription, and a treasure in my nightstand, I should be good (at least for a bit).

This hiatus does not mean that I will turn down a guy that I feel has potential. No, not at all. It just means that my mind and goals are elsewhere and dating is not my concern. I'm not looking.

One of the elsewhere goals is to end the cycle of mediocre men and seriously bid adue to the exes hanging around. Another goal is to save some serious money so I can start making some changes in my life: redecorate my apartment, one day get out of my one bedroom apartment, have a bit of nest egg.

I understand that this may lead to a completely boring blog, so because of that, I will leave you with an entertaining story that will surely have you rolling your eyes and possibly give you a bit of a chuckle.

First, let me say that I have stuck to my guns when it came to ending the cycle with Jimmy. (Backtrack: he wound up keeping the dog. Yes, after he refused to go to The Ex's with me that fateful morning, had me in tears thinking I'd have to go alone because I couldn't stand the thought of the dog in the pound, had me calling my girlfriend who offered to temporarily take him, drove all the way to her place with the dog, he called and had changed his mind...while he was at his second job...just 3 hours later. He wouldn' t be off work until 2am so I was to keep the dog until then. I couldn't leave him in my apartment so I had to cancel the plans I had to go out with friends. My Sunday before Labor Day was ruined).

I've talked to him twice since that day. Once to return the dog's food and bowls, and the other for him to bitch and complain because one of his friends saw me out at a boxing match with a table full of guys. Yes, I was there. Yes, I was the only girl. And yes, I had a fabulous time. Call me a tom girl but I love some serious full contact sports. Sexy.

So, he calls me last night after I haven't heard from him in 3 days (which was only for him to bitch about me being with guys), asking if he had left his diamond stud earrings at my place. I knew he hadn't. He then asked if I had any cheap earrings he could borrow. Ugh, of course he wanted something. I did. He asked if I could bring them up to him. Come get them yourself if you want them, I said! He begged I just bring them up, he had just gotten out of the shower. Me being the nice person I am, agreed.

I get to his apartment and he opens the door but is hiding his body behind it. Just his head is poking around. My first reaction is that he doesn't want to let me in and just wants me to hand him the earrings. I hesitate for a second before he tells me to come in. I see behind him that the place is completely dark except for a couple of candles lit. I walk past him. "What, are you getting romantic with yourself or something?" I say. Before turning around to see that he is completely naked. Yes, naked and coming at me. Dancing toward me really. OMG, seriously? Wow. I laugh at him. What else could I do? He went on to hug and kiss me and baby this, baby that talk to me, trying to get me to do this and that, and whelp, it just wasn't happening. He realized quickly that I wasn't that easy but didn't put on his clothes. Nope, he was clearly comfy naked. He danced around like a goof ball. It was really pretty comical!

But lets be serious, I've barely talked to you and you coax me to your place under false pretenses and expect me to give it up. Sorry bud, I'm not and never will be your booty call. I'm not that girl.

He realized it wasn't happening and went and got dressed. I played with the dog who I'm hopelessly in love with for a bit before leaving.

He later called me 3 times at 1:30am. I didn't answer.

Dating hiatus has officially begun.

Be free to be afraid

I am happy to report that I had a successful first date last night. I met the guy a couple Saturday's ago at a hot spot downtown. We talked a bit, we know some of the same people, he lives and works in DC (not too far), but is in town often to visit friends.

He was in town yesterday, his birthday, to have dinner with his family. He asked if I'd like to meet for a drink after. I rarely go out on a school night, but I work in the city, coincidentally, in the building next door to where he and his fam were having dinner. So I figured why the hell not. Not to mention, I've gotta loosen up a bit. If I want change then I have to change the way I act and react. So I said yes. We decided we'd work out the details yesterday afternoon.

So on schedule I got a text from him saying he expected to be finished with dinner around 9:30ish, would that be okay? Then immediately, my cell phone died. Fab.

That's a wee bit late for me to make the trip back into the city (I love about 20 minutes north). I wasn't too keen on driving home from the city then back down hours later, only to make the trip again in the morning. I made up my mind while still at work that we'd reschedule but I'd have to wait until I got home to do so. My co-worker informed me that I'd have to call because otherwise it just sounded like an excuse. "Sorry it took a while for me to respond, my phone died right when I got your text, and oh, by the way, tonight's not going to work after all. Too late for me." Well I wasn't ready for voice-on-voice. I'm such a scaredy cat. Plus, he was having dinner with his fam....so not trying to interrupt that. So although I told her, of course I'll call, I texted. A whole hour later canceling, but I'd like to do it another time. He wrote write back.

He said he understood, thought I lived closer and well, didn't mind coming coming to get me (an extra 20 minutes north out of his way for heading home), and grabbing a drink close by. Wow, impressive.

I thought on the idea for a minute. I was all set to cancel and do nothing. Once I get in that state of mind it's hard to get out. Another one of my stupid qualities I need to change. But then, the fear crept him. Having him come to my place? Ugh, I'm such a wierdo when it comes to that stuff. I get all uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing for a bit. I grabbed the leash and took the dog for a walk.

I wracked my brain. If I say no it would require me to come up with a lame excuse, i.e. lie. I'd be mad at myself later for still effing with the immature, selfish guys in my life with no one to blame but myself for the lack of new. I'd do nothing but read and watch bad TV if I stayed in. Why do I put myself through so much mental turmoil over such trivial things? Woudn't normal people just say, okay, sounds good! I'm a mess.

So when I got back to my apartment I texted him saying that sounded good (in my most normal text voice). I was not normal on the inside.

He called me from the restaurant just before dessert and we had a good little convo. Laughing is always good. It was presh. I texted him my address and just 20 minutes later he let me know he was on his way. So far he was doing it all right.

He arrived and we headed to a local martini bar. We stayed for a few hours and talked a lot. It was good, it was nice. We'll see how it goes.

I'm just proud of myself for getting over the hump. What seemed like nothing, was big for me. The past two years has certainly been a process. I've barely put myself out there and somehow have expected change.

I've chosen guys that were not good enough for me because they were safe. I could leave them when the reality of their inadequacy became something I couldn't ignore any longer. They never left me because I was the best they could do. What's there to be afraid of if I know I'm superior and in control? Well, I can't be happy that way either. It's time to be scared.

Last one on the bandwagon

So I realize "He's Just Not That Into You" was a phenomenon oh, 2 years ago? Well, I was just lent the book yesterday by a co-worker, (hidden message there?), and devoured it last night.

All in all, an okay book. The question and answer format bugged me. The "workbook" portion at the end of every chapter annoyed the shit outta me. I breezed through what didn't apply to me. I gotta admit, parts of it depressed me. This guy, (the co-author), really thinks us women are this stupid? Are some of us? Jeez, I hope not. But peppered throughout I did find some good advice I fully intend to digest. There were definitely parts that I could relate to.

In my opinion, the authors should have just written the book in a normal format throughout. But hey, what do I know? I have no book deals under my belt.

I will say, this book found me at the perfect time. Jimmy is just not that into me. I get it. Below are quotes from the book that I found useful, jotted down, and plan to revisit. Consistently, until it sinks in. (I'm such a quote junky).

The movie is in fact coming out in 2009 with a seriously awesome cast. Check out the trailer.
http://www.imdb.com/rg/VIDEO_PLAY/LINK//video/screenplay/vi4024303897/.

And onto the quotes....

"Don't waste the pretty."

"The word 'busy' is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word 'busy' is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want."

"It's hard. We're taught in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, no the exception. It's intoxicatingly liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. Because this is what we do: We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go int hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they're behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation that's the truth: He's just not that into me."

"Bad boys are bad because they're troubled, as in having little self-respect, lots of pent-up anger, loads of self-loathing, complete lack of faith in any kind of loving relationship."

"Bad boys are actually bad."

"If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start 'figuring him out' please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is."

"Cut your losses and don't waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it? Fine. Here's the answer you're looking for, 'Hang in there, baby. He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!' But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship."

"Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just THAT crazy! Bullshit. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing it is almost impossible NOT to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. We ma try to make you think differently, but we men are just like you. We like taking a break from our generally mundane day to talk to someone we like. It makes us happy. And we like to be happy, just like you. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you."

"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life."

"Don't let the 'honeys' and the 'babys' fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than 'I'm just not that into you.' Remember, actions speak louder than, 'There's no cell reception where I am right now.'"

"Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside."

"I don't want to be 'sort of dating' someone. I don't want to be 'kinda hanging out' with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me."

"Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted. And when you do move on and find your right person, believe me, you're not going to wish you had gotten to spend more time with Stinky the Time-Waster or Freddy Can't -Remember-to-Call."

"Love cures commitment-phobia."

I'm resting my hat on this last one. Regarding me, myself, and I.

Off track

In the beginning of the month I mentioned the drawing of a line. I mentioned being fed up with the guys that were in my life. I was ready for something real, I was letting them know, and then I was letting them go. Movin' on and movin' up.

Yet here I am once again perplexed and somewhat annoyed with these two guys.

Jimmy is obviously still around because he said he wanted a chance at something real. I always give a second chance. Especially when I'm the one who caused the damage that ended the first chance anyway. And I really like him and that's reason enough. But let me be real with myself, I've had my doubts about that boy since day one. I've doubted his sincerity and his intentions.

Ken? No excuses. He should have long since been shipped off to the land of the lost boys because I'm just not that into him.

Chalk it up to the fact that I'm frustrated with Jimmy and I, but when Ken called yesterday to see how I had been and asked if I'd meet him for a drink, I said yes. We agreed to meet at 8pm at a place between us both. Oh, why the hell not. Well, apparently, good reason.

He had wanted to meet at 8:30, I felt that was late so he suggested 7:30. He called me as he was leaving the gym around 5:30, I was leaving work. He said he'd try not to be late. I got a hunch that he had things to do. I told him we could do it another time if he couldn't make it that early, I just didn't want to make it a late night. He insisted that he wanted to see me that night so he'd make it work.

He texted me every hour after that to "see how I was making out." Is this some kinda progress report? I joked, since he's a teacher. But seriously, how are we on time? How are you making out? At 6pm, then 7pm, I mean, come on bud. Anxious much?

Sure enough The Ex's radar went off and he called while I was getting ready. I told him what I was doing. He didn't like it, I could tell. He told me to be careful and not to do anything stupid. As if I was in some sort of danger.

I hadn't heard from Jimmy all day so I called him en route in an attempt to avoid receiving a phone call while I was with Ken that I would have to ignore. He didn't answer. Oy vey.

I then shot a text over to Ken to let him know I was on my way. Basically, I hate waiting, plan accordingly. I got to our meeting place at about ten minutes to eight, and called Ken. No answer. I waited. At five after eight I got a text, "On my way." Are you kidding me? He lives at least 20 minutes away. WTF. I'm not even that into this guy, could care less that I hadn't talked to him in a week, and now here I am sitting in a parking lot waiting for his ass. I could've been home curled up in bed with the boys finishing my book that's getting seriously good. I texted him back, "Jeez, guess you really meant 8:30, huh." At 8:20 he called.

Ken: You're gonna kill me
Me: Oh god, why.
Ken: I was fighting with my brother so I left late, then I ran outta gas and had to push my car to the gas station. I think I left my wallet at the gym, (this guy is the most forgetful person I've ever met, seriously. He does this shit all the time). I put $4 in my tank.
Me: Where are you now?
Ken: 695 (which I knew meant he just got on the road to meet me).

I immediately started my car and started backing out of the parking spot. Eff this.

Me: Well, let's just do this another time. All signs are pointing to the fact that that's the best idea. (I barely am interested. You forgot your wallet, i.e. you have no money. I'm not picking up the tab, bub).
Ken: But you're already there. I'm on my way. I really want to see you.
Me: We can do it another time. (Psh, maybe).
Ken: I'm so sorry. I'm so mad at myself. You're mad aren't you? I'd be mad. Ugh, grr, blah.
Me: It's cool, another time.
Ken: Well come to my place!
Me: Nah, not tonight.
Ken: Why not?
Me: Because I'm already on my way home.
Ken: I could come to yours!
Me: Nah, another time. Meeting for a drink to catch up would've been okay but I'm not trying to hang out late or anything. Maybe another time. (Stress maybe).

He tried to linger on the phone. I wasn't up for small talk. I told him I had to go, and I drove home. Pissed.

The reality hit me that Jimmy hadn't even called me back. I felt so alone. I wanted to cry but couldn't. I wanted to drive around and listen to sappy music and smoke cigarettes but I had no cigarettes and didn't want to waste my gas. So I just drove home. Pissed. Mostly at myself.

I took off my freshly applied makeup, replaced my changed outfit for sweats, got a glass of water, and headed to my bed to read while America's Funniest Videos played in the background. I gave the boys lots of lovin' because they never let me down.

The Ex sent me a text:

The Ex: If you're not home you should be thinking about wrapping it up soon, tomorrow is gonna come quick. Be careful and don't do anything dumb. xoxox
Me: Thanks, Dad.

I didn't want to let him know that the plans fell through. It would've given him too much satisfaction.

The Ex: Anytime, when are you going home?
Me: Soon.
The Ex: How soon?
Me: Soon, goof! What's with all the questions, writing a book?
The Ex: Maybe, where are you at?
The Ex: How long are you going to be there?

Okay, this was getting ridiculous. I'm not sending a good message if I respond to every one of his texts while I'm supposed to be out with another guy. Plus, I started thinking that he was probably sending me all of these texts full of nonsense just to have me reaching for my phone continuously, therefore, annoying the shit out of Ken. (Which it would've had I been out with him).

Me: Now you're just being a brat. I see what you're doing slick.
The Ex: I miss you, can't you tell? What am I doing?
The Ex: I'll leave you alone. Have fun, be careful. I was just thinking about you. xoxoxoxoxox

I couldn't fight it any longer so I called Jimmy again. He didn't answer. But this time, he called me right back. He's been studying so much he said. The EMT test at the academy is kicking his ass. He hates test, books, studying. He's nervous he's not going to pass. All he's been doing is studying. I could hear in his voice how exhausted he was. The sound was familiar. "You miss me?" he said.

Me: I do, and I think you may have been right long ago when you said you didn't think you had the time to be talking to someone. (I hadn't planned on bringing this up at this time but it just came out).
Jimmy: Whatever, I'll talk to you later.
Me: What do you mean you'll talk to me later? No.
Jimmy: You say it like there's somebody else!
Me: How in the world did I say it like there's somebody else?? (Seriously, where in the world did that come from)?
Jimmy: That's not fair, you know I've been trying so hard at the academy, it's been so hard and I'm so tired.

I cut him off

Me: I know, I know, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. I'm just saying, I know you're busy and tired and maybe you just don't have the time. It's okay.
Jimmy: Let me study some more and I'll call you back in a little bit.

I thought for sure he wouldn't call me back but an hour later he did. We just talked. He told me about his tests. He told me how hard it all was for him. I told him about work and my friends. I didn't bring up the other subject again. I thought we'd just talk for a bit, and we did.

After we got off the phone I couldn't stop thinking about our short conversation on the subject I've spent almost a week thinking about. What did his reaction mean? Did he call back just to talk because he was trying to show me he wanted to make an effort to make time? Is he just worried I'm going to see someone else so he's stringing me along? I texted him. "Good night, I do miss you...just not sure you have the time to be talking to someone. If that's the case you can tell me, I'll understand. No hard feelings..." I'm sure he was sleeping by then so no response.

After I got out of the shower this morning I grabbed my phone to turn on the internet radio I like to listen to while I get ready for work and saw that I had three missed calls. Hmm, odd. They were all Jimmy. Yay! He saw my text and wanted to talk! He had left a voice mail, so I listened.
Negative. Nothing about the text. Apparently he had a bad morning with his dog that he's been thinking about giving away now that he just doesn't have the time for him.

Can you believe The Ex wants to take the dog? It could just be one of his sneaky ways to get close. Who can decipher the inner workings of The Ex's brain, not I. Jimmy was 100% against giving the dog to The Ex. He looked at me like I had five heads when I brought it up. Guess he's desperate. So he was calling because he wanted me to find out of my ex was serious about taking the dog because he just has had enough. Text him and let him know because he's going into class. Hmph.

Just letting it happen...

Follow your heart. Don't worry about what other's think or say. What's meant to be will be. Dont' be afraid to take a chance. It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. So many cliches, so little time.

Is there truth to any of them? Is there something to be said for making spontaneous decisions rather than carefully thought out "smart" ones? Should everything be done in a respectable sequence? Do following the unspoken relationship rules equal pure and utter bliss while coloring outside the lines will surely lead to disaster and regret?

I'm pretty sure no one knows the answer to these questions but more than likely have asked them to themselves, their girlfriends, and/or their significant others. None of which have ever had the answer. Time is the only answer. Oh, how time will tell.

For the past two years I've been the careful, cautious, calculating one. The 3Cs. Wow.

I've been living in hiding. Tiptoeing around relationships. Testing the water but ultimately deciding I'd rather hang back and stay dry. I've been following quite the script. A routine I've got down for sure and what's more boring then a one woman routine?

Maybe it's time to throw all caution to the wind. Be spontaneous. Take a chance. Live a little. Let things get a bit messy, remind myself I'm really living.

Jimmy has suggested moving in together. Crazy, I know. Sudden, quick, yes. Possible disaster? Definitely. I feel crazy just writing this. I feel the judgment. Sitting alone at my computer typing, I feel myself being judged.

My initial reaction is no. Duh. Crazy, psycho babble this boy is talking. He is not serious. He's serious though. He looks hurt when I bring up all of the worries, what ifs, and assumptions. His eyes start to roll. Leave it up to me to muck up an exciting idea with worries. He doesn't care. He doesn't agree. We're together anyway, right? Is his reaction. You said you wanted something real, something serious. Just sleep on it, he says.

Maybe I need to take a chance. Maybe it's time I go out on the wire and go after something I keep saying I want. Time to follow up some of this talking with some action. It doesn't have to be permanent. If it doesn't work, he can move it. Yes, he can be the one to move out. I know this isn't the attitude you should have going into something like this, but it's true.

The more I think about it the more I like the idea. I understand how crazy it seems but I'm not sure I care. I worried more about moving in with John who I'd known for 12+ years. Ken asked me to move in with him and I didn't even entertain the thought. What's with guys being so quick to co-habitate these days anyway? Seriously.

Well, it's not a definite. It's a possibility. It may not ever happen. But I realize, I'd be okay with it. We'll see how this thing plays out.

The B.B.D.

August 11, 2008

The Bigger, Better Deal. Bring it on. I'm ready for it. I'm ready to get excited about someone. I'm ready to fall for someone instead of being excited that someone is falling for me. I'm through with being flattered, I want to be swept away.

I guess it's natural for me to want to relay this info to the two guys that are currently inhabiting my life (and my cell phone) because 1. When I meet Mr. Right I don't want him to peace out once he looks around and sees all these Mr. Wrongs hanging around and 2. I might just want one of them to step up and fill the shoes of Mr. Right.

I've been waiting for the opportune moment to tell Jimmy, actually, not even the opportune moment, just a moment in general. I want to make it a point to tell him I've discovered what I want as if he is going to want anything to do with it. What do I think he is going to do, change? Act differently? Suddenly realize he wants the same thing and we'll proceed to ride off into the sunset? (Yes). I'm pretty sure he wants one thing and it's not the same thing I want. I need to face that. I need to keep telling myself this until myself allows it to sink in for a decent length of time. I need it to stick.

Of course I tell Ken my revelation and immediately he is ready to fill the shoes. He wants to be that guy. He believes he is that guy. Such confidence. And what does he do? Ask me if I'll come over so he can make me dinner and we can talk. What did Jimmy do when I started to tell him? I say started because I didn't even finish before he cut me off and said he had to go. Seriously. That was a blow. That hurt. I felt it through me.

I know I'm feeling restless emotionally when I write a lot (mostly about nothing) and search for comfort in quotes, i.e. someone much smarter than I saying things I can relate to. I try to hold onto the quotes like, "Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you." And it just makes me wonder what is it about me that makes him not remain interested. Reading quotes about just make me think of him. I can't possibly love him. The feelings I have for him are so reminiscent of the feelings I had for John when I was 16, 17, 18. He's the John of 2008. And you know how good that turned out.

I hate how my hands start to shake when I know I'm going to see him. My whole body shakes sometimes but my hands are the worst. I get a nauseous feeling in my stomach. I'd call them butterflies but butterflies sound too sweet and nice. There's nothing sweet and nice about these things. I think about him almost all the time. Definitely at least once a day. Even more so I hate that I have no concrete reason as to why I have these feelings. None. And all I want is to forget about him. All I want is something good and something real and I just don't think I will find it within him.

Mother Theresa once said, "If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive." Does that mean that before I love another I must forgive The Ex or does that just mean that if I ever wanted to love The Ex again I'd need to forgive him? Hmm.

Other's that have got me thinking are...

"Don't seek the because--in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions."
And that makes me feel wretched. It can't be love.

"I didn't want it to mean that much to me." The simplest quote that embodies exactly how I feel and have been feeling for longer than I'm willing to admit.

"I want to be free of you...the way you, obviously, are free of me." I couldn't want that more.

"They say our loves are shaped not by those who love us but by those who refuse to love us." Hello? Yea, my life for the past 2 months has definitely been shaped by this bullshit.

"Maybe I'm not supposed to be over him. I mean, look at how many times I've tried. Maybe there's a reason it's not working." I hate quotes like these because they make me feel like I'm doing the right thing by holding on and need to keep on when my whole being wants to stop. I can't pinpoint that part that won't stop but something is holding on, disagreeing and that part is the bigger more influential part because it is governing all.

"She will chase you around for a while; but there's going to be a day when she's going t stop running in circles around you. She's going to get over you and at that very moment you're going to wish you had let her catch you." This one I fear the most. I hate when it happens and inevitably it does. I have said to myself and three others at least that I'm ready for something real, something good. I've been taking nothing and no one seriously for the past two years, and I do not regret this fact, I needed it. But I am finished with it. I'm ready to be serious. I'm ready to fall for someone who is also falling for me. I want something real. I want something good. I will probably find that and then have Jimmy come cruising back in.

"What appears to be the end is really a new beginning." That's what I need to focus on. This new beginning that I've decided that I want. I'm in no rush for it to happen, I'm just ready and open for it. The B.B.D.

Then I see things like, "If it didn't really matter you wouldn't spend so much time thinking about it." I spend more time thinking about that boy than anything else.

"Ask me why I keep loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you." I hate the word love being sprinkled in there, I'd rather say "like." But that's true to how I feel now regardless.

And then random things happen. I think to myself, if only he knew how good it could be...how he's selling himself short. And then, immediately after, I see a quote that says, "If he only knew how much I need him." And yesterday while sitting at my desk at work I'm thinking about him (as always) a friend sends me a funny video to watch which turns out to be The Muppets singing a song entitled, "Jimmy Boy." Yea, no joke.

The almost comical thing is that it seems Ken feels for me what I feel for Jimmy and in turn I feel for Ken what Jimmy feels for me. Isn't that how it's supposed to go down in middle school? Haven't we graduated and such? Oy vey.

The line has been drawn

August 3, 2008

I give him so much while he gives the bare minimum. He really makes no effort at all yet I fall to his feet. I never act this way. Never have I acted that way, even in my immature youth when I should’ve been and most girls were. They all wised up and here I am making up for lost time. I’ve always had guys respect me and want more from me than sex. I always made them work for the sex and even if I gave it up early, they always came back for more. I would’ve never given it up early if I didn’t know that they respected me and wanted more than to get laid. Yet here I am at 27 allowing a 23 year old to take advantage of me and use me for sex, basically. I need to stop avoiding what is clearly going on. It makes me so angry. I want to yell at him. I want to scream at him. I want to tell him how great of a girl I am and how much I have going for me, but it wouldn’t matter. He doesn’t care. He calls me when he has something to tell me but doesn’t care about me or what’s may be going on with me. Never has he shown an interest my life. He is completely and entirely self-serving. Why is that okay? He is working me and I’m allowing him to, telling myself that I’m just letting it happen because I’m single and its not hurting anyone. What I realize is that it is hurting someone because it’s hurting me. I am not and never will be the girl who is okay with casual sex unless I am the party that feels casual about it. I have to at least know that the guy wants more from me. This shit eats me up and pisses me off. How dare he. And what the fuck am I doing taking what I can get from this boy. Acting as if he’s god’s gift and has a lot to offer me. He has nothing to offer me, because he’s not offering anything. I think it began as an ego thing and it’s been a game to me in the fact that he hasn’t been hooked and I’ve wanted to get him hooked. I want the tables to turn to my favor again. It’s a power/control thing that I’m used to, and want to always have. I’ve been trying to get it back. I’ve been trying to win. I’m hurting myself in the process and allowing myself to feel used. Its not worth “winning.” I just wanted to prove to myself that if I turned this around and he was trying and hooked on me again, that it wouldn’t have just been sex. He would’ve wanted more. Yes, he’s attractive but he’s no the best looking guy in the world. Yes, he’s funny but he’s also exhausting. Yes, he has a lot going for him but he’s in no way shown that he wants to share any of that with me. Nor do I want to share any of mine with him. The times that its just him and I and there’s nothing to say, either on the phone or together, it’s awkward. You’ve humored yourself saying that it is a crush and foolish, that you’re making up for the lost time of inappropriate dating in your 20s, those are excuses, face it, this is not you. Let it go.

Stop. You have nothing to prove to that boy, or to yourself. You know your worth even if he doesn’t. You never allowed a man to treat you this way in the past, so why start now? The more that you play into this game in an attempt to feel as though you’ve won, the further you go down in the battle and the worse you will then feel in the end. It’s not worth it. It is not about him. It happened. Learn from it and move on. So what if it happened now and so what if it was him and you’re mad. Would it have been better if it were an older guy? Would it have been easier if it had happened when you were younger? You were out of the dating pool for years. You were out of it when this sort of thing should have been occurring. Of course you’re naïve to its signs. You were in relationships from 17-25. You recognize what it is so stop ignoring it. You are an attractive, smart, college-educated woman with her own career that allows her to stand on her own two feet and take care of herself all by herself. You are not dependent on anyone. You are so much better than this, and what he is doing so stop giving yourself away for free. Stop feeling bad about the lack of attention and minor effort that he makes. You can’t change it and you can’t change him, all you can do is decide what you will and will not accept. Be real with yourself for one second, do you really want to change him? Do you really, and I mean really, want to be with him like that? It is time to stop being accepting of it. It’s time to demand more or nothing at all. You are too damn good for this shit!

I’m not saying I can’t talk to him. I can talk to him. But I will not be allowing the behavior anymore. I’m bringing the real me back because for some reason she has been being suppressed for him with no good reason to speak of. Done and done with all of that nonsense, and not done as in its time to start playing the game done, (where its not really done its simply another route in an attempt to get the best of him), just done period. Seriously.

On another note, I’m not sure if its just because I’ve been off for the past week and spent a lot of time with myself, but I feel like I’m missing the closeness of a relationship. I understand that it could be because of the stay-cation, but I also recognize that I haven’t felt this longing in quite a while. Its not for a specific person, in fact, its for a person that I don’t currently know. That’s what I want, someone I don’t know who doesn’t know me who doesn’t know who I know. Maybe I feel that way because it seems less attainable, i.e. can remain an unrequited longing that I can simply rest on rather than something I can make a reality because I know I could if I wanted to. Ken, The Ex, John. Yea, I could have a relationship if I wanted one, with one of them. I don’t want one with one of them, but I feel like I want one. I miss the closeness, the cuddling and watching movies in bed, breakfast on Sundays followed by more cuddling in bed. I want that. I’m ready for that. I’m not going to go looking for that or start it up with someone who I clearly have already discovered I don’t want it with, but if it happens I’m open to it.

In the meantime, I’m going to continue to work at work and work at the gym. I need to cut any physical relationship with guys that don’t meet the criteria I want (Jimmy). Do I tell him I want more? Probably not, he’ll assume I want it with him when I’m pretty sure I don’t. If he was different and wanted it, I might, but that’s all hypothetical.

The odd thing is that I have found myself thinking about John while I’ve been off this week. This is the first time since the incident two months ago that I’ve found myself thinking about him and missing him. Maybe it’s because I want what him and I had, but with someone else. I miss what him and I had. I found myself charging my old cell phone just so I could go through it and see all the sweet text messages that he used to send me. I’m thankful to still have had them because they helped with the Jimmy realization. John really loved me. John, at one point, was really very sweet to me. It warmed my heart to read the things he had written to me. I feel bad for blowing so much of it off. I feel bad for being bothered by it all. It was all too much for me. I can’t help my feelings about it but I do feel bad for them. He put all of his pride aside to try to get me back and love me. All he really wanted was to love me and for me to love him back. I am not disregarding his short comings and I’m not thinking of being with him (ever) again, I’m just, for the first time in over two months, remembering that there was more than negative things attached to him. Reminds me why I put up with all the bullshit for so many years. There is a good side buried there. I’m grateful that those messages helped me to realize my worth.

New layers

March 22, 2008

It seems letting everything, (and by everything I mean everyone), go was just what I needed in order to allow myself to realize what it was I really wanted; a feeling I’ve been waiting impatiently to make an appearance for the past two years. The realization did not take long. Well, let me clarify. From the moment I decided to "let it all go," it did not take long for me to realize what I wanted. In turn, when thinking in terms of after the wake of the break up with The Ex, the revelation took significantly long. But that's to be expected, right?

Anyway, with this said revelation I’ve discovered the answers to many of the questions that have been plaguing me. I understand much of what had been going on in my head these past months and have decided that although thus far 2008, (in it’s few short months), has been a year of trials and tribulations, it will also be one of clarity and action.

Although I hate to do it I attribute some of the clarity to Alan. I think he came into my life to smack me awake and make me realize what I’ve been doing to men and my relationships with them. Something no friend or family member had the ability to do. He helped me realize that the feelings of hesitation and fear I had been feeling were not natural and not me. Not the me I usually was. I kept resting on the fact that I had simply changed and this was the new me, the new bitter, cynical, terrified me. I don't want to be that. Yes, I'm changed by the hurt I experienced but not that much. He could see the me I used to be and he wanted it. It was not for him and him not for me, but he made me see how cynical I was being because of my past experience and he made me see that it wasn’t something that should remain permanent. He put me on the road to getting over it and seriously moving on, just not with him. I specifically remember him telling me that you don't just get over the hurt once, you get over it every day. Until the pain is less and you get over it weekly, monthly. It's just not a one time deal. It's something that stays with you.

But it had to be Alan, John could never have had the capacity to see what was going on right in front of his face. He could never have begun to understand why I was acting the way I was but Alan could. And not only could he see it, he put it in my face and I needed that. This was his purpose and he served it. I needed to move on from him and I did. I let him go. I let Brandon go. Letting go sounds so elementary but to me it has always been a big thing. It has always been something that is difficult for me to do. The Valentine’s Day debacle of 2008 (as it will be forever be remembered), put the idea of reigniting anything with The Ex to rest before it was ever able to hurt me. And thank God for the divine intervention that put that silly idea to a swift halt. A true blessing in disguise and The Ex is done (yet again).

With all that on the shelf and me left with me, I was able to think about me and allow myself to develop the space for someone new. It wasn’t something I did it just happened. That realization was a shocker and of course it made me look right to John. Luckily, he came to me before I ever had to go to him…

One text from John, which turned into an entire text-message conversation, made me realize that I was ready, but more importantly, I was ready to be with him. It just hit me while driving as revelations often do, that I was ready. That I missed him and he missed me so what the hell had we been doing. All the “ick” feelings of being in a relationship dissolved just like that. All of a sudden I knew what I wanted and thank God for that feeling. Now it was just a matter of whether or not he would forgive me, believe me, and take me back after all I'd put him through. And he did. He didn’t waste a second coming to talk to me about it and it was just that simple. As it should be I guess. We actually managed to make up, lay out exactly what we both wanted, and arrange seeing each other all via text messaging…up until he showed up at my door, picked me up, and kissed me.

I realize now that all those insecure issues I had when it came to John existed because I was nowhere near ready for a relationship, not one in the magnitude of what he wanted. I was foolish to think I could be in a relationship. Looking back I can see that. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if there’s one thing I’ve successfully learned this year it’s that hindsight is most definitely 20/20. I hated it then because this is the type of person I typically am and want to be. I wanted to be that way then. I wanted to WANT to be with him but I couldn’t make myself. I needed the time to go by.

So here we are one month later together. Together and I couldn’t be happier. Everything seems to have fallen into place for the moment. Crazy how it has happened. I just hope it lasts. We’re talking about moving in together when my lease is up…in just four months…we’ll see how it goes. I haven’t told my parents anything about it, but I’m 27 years old, I can make my own decisions.

And that’s just what I decided to do this time around with John. I decided not to care about what anyone would think or say, not to be concerned with it in the least. I know that John is far from perfect and I know he has his issues. He’s a little rough around the edges. But God he makes me happy. I love the way I feel when I’m around him and I’ve loved that feeling since I was 16. When I sit and think about it I get nervous assuming that this may be it. That him and I may just work out for the long run. I’m just sick and tired of games and dating. I’m ready to just settle down and be with someone, for real with someone.

Guess this is as good a segway as any to go ahead and state that here we are a month later and I’m having doubts about his sincerity/commitment/honesty. Typical doubts? Maybe. We all begin to doubt (or so I’d like to think we all do), once the commitment is stated and final. After the initial honeymoon period when you don’t give a shit about anything but being together 24/7, eff the “are we spending too much time together” thoughts, cheesing at each other, talking on the phone until ungodly hours, and having sex two, three times a night and a couple in the morning too, of course. Getting up for breakfast and then getting back into bed. Ah, love it. Yea, after the excitement of all that dies down there seems to be the classic “power struggle.” Who has more power? Who wears the pants? Who’s running things? Ugh, hate that…especially when I start to feel like it’s not me, which I inevitably do when I really like someone and decide I don’t’ want to play that game. If I don’t like them that much I’m happy to strut around in the pants. So I guess it’s possibly that the doubts I’m having are normal fears present at the beginning of any relationship. But in my case, I’d like to think that after The Ex I’m pretty intuitive when it comes to recognizing the red flags of insincerity and I’m afraid I’m starting to see them coming from him. Any other time, having not experienced what I have, I would’ve kept going on blind and happy only to be hit with the actual disappointment much later once it’s impossible to ignore. Since this is not my first rodeo I see subtle changes, the power shift, him strutting around in the pants, and I don’t like it. I’m terrified. Of course voicing the fear only sends me ten steps further down the power stairs…so that’s outta the question.

The extremely frustrating part of all of this is how badly John has wanted to be with me for the past two years. How I’ve worn the pants loyally and faithfully that entire time. Now that I want to be for real and be with him, what he’s said he has wanted more than anything, he’s switching up on me, (possibly).

So I’m fearful that this is the classic “thrill of the chase” scenario gone badly. He wanted me when he thought he couldn’t have me. So of course he wanted me REALLY badly. The fact that he couldn’t have me made him want me all that much more, you know the drill. Well, now that he has me…eh, it’s ok. I hate that. It builds up a certain expectation that is not lived up to.

THEN comes the possibility that I could just still be afraid because of my last experience. I’m so terrified that The Ex is going to happen all over again that I think it is. I think he’s going to do what The Ex did. How do I know if I’ve learned from a past experience so I’m smarter this time and can spot the red flags before they hurt me, or if I’m making the next guy pay for The Exes mistakes?

Let me just refer back to a previous entry from this past January, 2 months ago, when I was just beginning to feel the early stages of “readiness,” only while with the wrong guy….

“Because the truth about me is that though I am cautious, guarded, and hesitant; once I decide to let that go I am incredibly serious and loyal. And whelp, I am certainly that way with every guy because rarely does a guy make the cut. I take pride in preserving that part of myself. My worry, (among many), is that guys go along saying things without anything serious attached to the words, nothing emotionally backing it up. But after holding out I decide to give in only to find that while I’m feeling something real they have what they tried so hard for which they no longer want it. They were consumed in the chase, the mystery of me. And didn’t realize that once they broke my walls down all that is left is me.

Maybe it’s because I’m such a mystery and so hard to read that they guys just want to crack my code.

Either way, I have yet to open up. I still have myself in tact. He’s knocking on that wall (sometimes kicking it). I can see myself taking it down; I feel it coming. I feel that I am falling for him. I feel that I’m about to throw all caution to the wind. The cynicism that has recently taken up residence within me this past year is subsiding. The softhearted, trusting romantic is beginning to return and she just doesn’t want to get burned again. Not after the last wild fire that took so long to put out.

Crazy how I just woke up one day and everything had changed. I have to say, I am grateful for the change. I missed the romantic part of myself.

So now I just have some ghosts from the past to work through. I’ll do that. I will.

I just feel like I’m ready. Where love, couples, and all things mushy took a back seat in my mind and world for so long, I’m finally open to the idea of it—with him.”

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

-Sex and the City

I go back and forth between feeling like I’m overacting and being stupid, to feeling like I need to do something before it’s too late and I wind up back in the same situation I previously was in. I just can’t stand this feeling and I don’t know what to do about it. This is precisely why I sometimes feel as though it’s better to be alone, because at least I don’t have to deal with these feelings of disappointment and possible paranoia. I decide how I feel all the time and it’s usually pretty good. I dictate my mood at all times and no one else has a say. When I’m not in a relationship all I have are people in my life who want me in one with them. I mean, the past two weekends we’ve already gone without seeing each other on two separate nights (last weekend Fri this weekend Sat), and he hasn’t cared. This being the same guy who got upset when I didn't want to see him during the week as well as on the weekends. This being the same guy who specifically asked me in the beginning of all of this if we could see each other during the week and I said, yes, of course we can. And we did for a minute there, but now we don’t. And not only do we not see each other during the week, we actually go weekend nights without seeing each other and he is OK with it! WTF? Tell me that is not a change…please. Seriously.

I am a strong believer in sex being the barometer of a relationship and last night when at his house, he had me do ALL the work both times that we did it. Given, I’m ok with taking the reigns once in a while. But again, I know John. John likes to do his thing and make me feel good. He didn’t seem concerned in putting it on me at all last night. As if he doesn’t need to anymore. Ugh.

I guess I just thought that I wouldn’t have to go through this stuff with him. He put everything out there all the time and I thought we were going to avoid playing these games. I thought we were being up front and for real to each other, that we were going to be on the same team all the time. I should’ve known that men and women could never be that way all the time no matter what they may say. And I should definitely know better than to think that John is going to go through with something that he says he will.

Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe all of this is nothing. But this going noted. I am documenting the fact that I feel this way when I did and I’m not going to forget it. I am going into this with my eyes open and my head clear. I am not going to allow things to cloud over like I did in the past. I am going to use what I learned that’s for damn sure. In addition, what I’m regretfully going to do is start playing the game, the power tug of war. I am going to make myself not incredibly available, make him work for it. I was prepared to throw all of that out of the window, but John hasn’t done this before. He might not be tired of it the way that I am. I guess I can’t blame him for strutting in the pants considering he had been skirting it with me for quite some time. So fine, he has had his moment. But if we’re gonna do this, and someone is going to wear the pants, well then it’s going to be me damn it. Cause shit, I’m good at the game.

I tell ya, hindsight may definitely be 20/20 and I’m a regular Dr. Phil after the fact in deciphering why I felt the way I felt and did what I did…but sometimes I’d give anything to know while in the moment. Anything.

Coasting

January 26, 2008

He brings me to attention. He takes my flaws and he puts them in my face. It isn't easy. It is far from pleasant, but at the same time I think it's what I need. It causes me dissonance; but it might just force me to change. If there's one thing I've realized in life it's that I am a coaster. Unless pushed, I will coast. I need someone, something to push me. A swift kick in the ass. This is prevalent in my career as it is in relationships and all other aspects of life. I need to be challenged in order to make a move. Is it possible that he is what I need? Or possibly he has just come into my life to serve this exact purpose and then move on. John has always allowed me to coast because he doesn't see my real flaws, what I'm terrified of, and what I'm avoiding, which is why he is refreshingly easy and comfortable for me. The Ex, same thing. Alan sees right through my charade and is sure to call me out on it. I think I do the same for him though because despite what he may believe he is NOT always right. Is it possible we could grow together? Is it time for me to move away from what is easy
and comfortable. Do I need to do away with my safety net? Stupid question. Of course I do. And I need to do that whether it’s for Alan or not. It needs to be for myself. But could he be right for me?

Changing my mind like I change my underwear

January 2, 2007

I have come to the unsettling conclusion that I have no idea what I want. Not exactly, not indefinitely. I know what I want at any given, specific moment but inevitably that want will change to something directly opposing. My wants are constantly evolving. At times I want contradictory things. Like Erica Jong, I constantly battle with the two halves of myself that require different needs and have different wants. One half is fulfilled only at the expense of other while that other is merely suppressed—only to resurface and want its needs met with time. My wants change almost daily, but definitely weekly. This is a definite problem when others are involved in my life. Guys specifically because this is the change that is always occurring; what I want in the realm of the opposite sex. The only conclusion I can rest on is that I just do not know what it is that I want right now.

This would be okay if I weren’t taking other people along in the wake of my ever-changing mind—if actual people’s feelings weren’t being affected.

Will I ever settle? Will there come a time that I’ll know what I want and remain content or will I always be evolving and changing, restless? Right now I’d give my right arm to know what I want and stick with it.

“I've become a real believer in not defining every single thing. Seems like every time you think you've figured out what something is, it just becomes something else. Just live.”