Mom sitting

For the past 3 days I've been staying at my parent's place out in the middle of nowhere. I'm taking care of my Mom and the farm. The farm which consists of 5 horses (one of which is a baby), a miniature donkey, 2 dogs and a shit ton of geese and chickens. Yeah, I'm trudging it to the barn every morning at 8am and every evening rather then fighting traffic to and from my 9-5.

The reason? My Mom fell off one of those horses this past weekend and broke her shoulder. On Tuesday she had surgery to put a plate and some screws in there. That woman is scaring me these days. This is the 3rd time she's fallen in as many months and this is the first time she's been seriously hurt. She's a pistol that woman, 54 and running around like a 30-year-old, bless her heart. So I'm here on farm duty until the weekend when my Dad can take over. My boss at work is wonderful, not minding I take off for the week at the drop of the dime. I'm in my email, working from home as much as I can.

So I've been feeding the animals, feeding my parents, running on the trails, reading books and surfing the net. I brought my pooch with me, he loves it out here but boy am I missing my routine.

I didn't realize how much of my own world I'd created until I was taken out of it. My family is great, but I miss the life I've created for myself. I'm happy about this. Some people go "home" to their parent's and never want to leave. To me, home is MY home. My place. And I love that.

I love that, and with that love comes the want for a challenge. I'm ready to spread my wings even more and really vacate my comfort zone. This feeling has been bubbling for quite a while, and recently a solution has floated to the surface. I thought the answer was taking the step to buy a home because, well, that felt like the logical next step in my life. Then I realized it wasn't. A home would just keep me here. The challenge I really want and need is relocation.

I was born and raised in this same town. I didn't go away to college I stayed close to home. I've always stayed close. In my comfort zone. So all aspects came together. I hate the cold, I hibernated this winter. I want to move to the West Coast. San Diego specifically. I've been doing research on location and jobs. The more I learn the more I want it. I'm going to make it happen. It's the change I need. I can leave behind all this past that's been sticking with me and start new. There is no better time for me to do this. I have no obligations and nothing to hold me back. Nothing.

With that said I'm itching to get back to my life that is still here. I'm leaving the 'rent's place tomorrow and already have plans to meet some friends for a happy hour party downtown. So excited. My best guy friend is coming too, who...

Side note: did a little late-night confessing to me Saturday night when I went out with the boys. I often go out with the boys and when I do I AM one of the boys. Seriously. No holding back in front of this girl and damn it, I buy rounds too. We dance, we have fun. This time, me and 10 guys. Guys are so refreshing and easy. No drama, it is what it is. They just want to have a good time and that's just what goes down. Beer and shots. Dancing. Then pizza at the end of the night. Hella good time.

My best guy friend and I have been friends since middle school and we've been there through many boyfriends and girlfriends. He's The Ex's cousin for goodness sake. But we've remained great friends. We have a pact that if neither of us are married by 35, we'll marry each other. This has always been sort of a joke to me, but he confessed on Saturday night just how much it's not a joke to him. He basically wanted confirmation that should the time come, I would not say that I only thought of him as a friend and nothing else because he was counting on me. Pretty sure that was his way of discovering if right now, I only thought of him as a friend. Of course when he'd asked me I had just chased down my second shot of Grey Goose with my Miller Lite and pinkie shook that HELL NO, I would NEVER say that! Ah well. Ignoring that convo and moving right along. So far, so good. He has a girlfriend. He'll be fine. End Side note.

OH, and let me mention that Monday night as I'm packing up my car at 10pm to head to my parent's, who FLEW by? The freaking orange car! WTMF (what the mothafuck)?! The adult crush should have successfully moved this past Friday. NO reason to be cruising past my apartment at that hour. I was sort of saying goodbye to a male friend (nope, not getting into that now), so I'm sure he saw. I'm sure he did. What I'm not sure of, is WHY he was there. But what I do know, is that it BETTER not have been to check on me.

Okay, so I realize I've rambled in all directions. My apologies. Sometimes my brain just jumps from topic to topic and sometimes it feels good to roll with it. This is reality, and sometimes I just can't wrap my posts up and tie them with a bow. My bad.

A**hole factor

A conclusion has been made, and only after two hours of conversation with my closest friend, (aka my soul twin). Together we pushed, pulled, and trudged through our twisted psyches and a verdict was reached alas. Considering I've been dating for fifteen plus years, two hours ain't half bad. It is not uncommon that as her and I talk things out, one or both of us experience some sort of revelation. In fact, rarely does this fail to occur. Last night definite headway was made. It's like free therapy. Seriously.

The precursor to the convo was a toxic ex trying to claw his way back into my friend's life, (for the fourth time), and her illogical contemplation of it. Also, my simultaneous developing revelations that begged to be shared with a kindred spirit.

It hit me one day while driving, (as thoughts usually do), that I have never been in a relationship with a guy who treated me well. I've dated guys who have treated me well for periods of time, sure. Done nice things for me, yes. But I never kept these guys around for long. I jokingly refer to it as my three month itch. No matter how much I may be into someone in the beginning, how I feel after three months is the ultimate test. The make or break. The ones that make it, the ones I really get involved with, have been the ones who ultimately treated me badly. So I got to thinking about why this is. Why have I never been with someone who was good to me? Consistently good to me. Well, it hasn't happened by chance.

I realized that I've never allowed myself to be in a relationship where a man treated me well. I have let these men treat me poorly; welcomed it and went back countless times for more. Assholes don't just find me, I find them. Everyone meets them. The assholes. Most people discard them. Me? Well, I welcome them, allow them to pull up a chair, make themselves at home, and stay for a bit. In some cases, years. This may not be a conscious choice, but it is still a choice that I myself make. I'm not unlucky while the other girls are lucky to meet the guys that treat them well. I meet the nice guys too I just send them packing for some reason. Usually the reason is that something is missing, there's no connection, or there's not enough physical attraction. What's actually missing? The asshole factor.

I know what you're thinking, we're those girls who like assholes. It's not that cut and dry and it's not something we enjoy. It is so much more then that. Let me attempt to explain.

I'm sure you've heard the saying, "True love is the soul's recognition of it's counterpart in another" (I'm not talking love in all cases but you get the idea). Well that's just what we're dealing with. We recognize in them something that is also in us. We're assholes. Oh yes, we ourselves are proud owners of the asshole factor. We fuck up. A lot. We hurt people, we do things wrong. Some people are straight and narrow, we are not. Some people make normal mistakes, we make epic ones. We have a past speckled with indiscretions and the threat of more in the future, (though I think I'm growing out of it). I refer back to the quote I entered in a post just days ago, and am surprised I didn't realize it then:

"I pair up with these male versions of myself so that I don't have to acknowledge my own fear of making a serious commitment."

So while we're with these guys who wear their asshole status on their sleeves, we feel safe. Yes, it's twisted I agree. The one thing we can count on is that they will mess up. They will hurt us. Then, when we do the same, we won't feel as badly. But the nice guy? The good guy who treats us well? Oh God if we were to hurt him, we couldn't live with ourselves. We don't want to hurt them. We're still assholes and they deserve nice girls.

Armed with this recognition of myself and my part in this matter, I feel so much better. Admitting is the first step, right? Knowing is half the battle, is it not? I realize that the reason guys treat me badly is directly related to my choices (poor as they may be). I have control. I have the power to change this. I may have been saying I want a nice guy, but I don't. Even though I say I'm sick of guys, and wonder why I can't just find a guy like "this" or a guy like "that," I'm making my bed. Voluntarily, though not incredibly consciously (until now). It is valid, I'm sick of guys but what I'm sick of is guys with the asshole factor. I need to check myself.

I had mentioned that I'm raising my standards, and I am. All of these factors are in conjunction with one another and all of them will work together to help me grow out of this stage of my life with guys and be happy, with someone. Because until the asshole factor within myself dies, I won't be ready to take on the nice guy. Here's hoping it jumps off a cliff some time soon.

Company is comforting

Good to know there are others who feel as I do. I can't explain how I fell (well), but this person did, and apparently an entire tumblr. is dedicated to people like us. So there's an audience! I feel a teensy bit better about this. From: http://ilovehateyou.tumblr.com.

This is for the people that care too much. The people who want too much, and at the same time want nothing at all. At least we want to want that. We want to walk away, we want to say no, we want to forget everything, and we want to be detached and not care.

Unfortunately, we can’t walk away. We say yes, and we remember every single little fucking detail, more clearly, and more vividly than when it happened. We are attached.

And we couldn’t care more.

Other quotes that are speaking to me today:

"I pair up with these male versions of myself so that I don't have to acknowledge my own fear of making a serious commitment."

-Wendy Merrill.

Welcome to my brain, Wendy.

And:

“You have the idea that you should be mating for life, but that is not what you really want. You aren’t dealing with the fact that you don’t want more, or you wouldn’t have been with these guys to begin with. When you really want something more, you will have it. In the meantime, please be less hard on yourself, and try to enjoy it.”

-I copied this from a book I was reading, but failed to note the author. My bad.

p.s. Just in case you're missing the connection between the photo and title, these are my comfort foods. Mmmm.

Falling in love.

Have I got your attention? I thought so.

Well, I'm a dirty little trickster.

Lately, I've noticed that I'm happy with my small, quiet, singular life. My routine, my dog, grocery shopping, decorating, reading. Making lists, setting goals, planning. All very boring I know. I go out, don't get me wrong but I gotta admit, I don't have nearly as much fun as I used to out in the bar scene. I guess that's expected.

But regardless, I've been finding fun in the un-fun. I've been attempting to make plans for myself. I've noticed lately that I feel happy doing the mundane but could not figure out why. I mean come on, these things are not exciting. Then, it hit me. I'm falling in love. I'm falling in love with myself; with who I am, who I’m trying to be and the life I'm creating for myself. I've got big plans for myself.

At the same time, I'm ready to share my life with someone. I'm ready for someone to join my routine. I want to come home to someone, cook for someone and have someone cook for me once in a while. I want to run and bike on the trail I've discovered with someone. I want to share all of what makes me happy by myself, with someone. In the past I wanted to be with someone as a distraction. A void needing to be filled. I think that's why they always turned into feeling like an obligation rather than something I enjoyed. I finally feel like I am content with my life, by my boring self, and I want someone to join my plan. And shit, help it out a bit. I don't want to do it alone forever. But even if they don't, I'm happy going at it alone.

All of this takes a lot for me to admit and put down in black and white. I've always wanted to be strong and act as if I am perfectly fine alone, always, in case that is what's in store for me.

Since The Ex, which I realized today is going on 4 years now (I realized I've been saying 2 years for the past 2 years), I've been broken. I've really tried to belittle the heartbreak he caused. How he broke more than just my heart but my spirit. I still think of him daily. I don't know if I'll ever have again what I had with him or if I'll ever love that way again, but I know that I want to. I want it. I want it all over again with someone who won't hurt me. I hope it's out there for me.

I'm no longer afraid of sounding pathetic and hopeless by saying these things. I no longer feel the need to have an attitude that says, I don't need a man. Because the truth is, I don't need a man. I'm happy without one. I'm already in love. But I'd like one.

I'm in love with today...

Having a snow day is like that bonus day to get things done. Yes, in theory it’s a nice idea to get things done over the weekend but let’s be serious. You wanna have a little fun and then you feel like you deserve to relax before Monday arrives and it’s back to the grind.

But having that extra day, wow. Not only do I get to watch the shows I always miss like Rachel Ray and Ellen, but so far today I’ve done 2 loads of laundry, swept and swiffered the kitchen floor, bathroom floor and entryway, dusted all furniture, cleaned all mirrors/TVs and vacuumed. I finished up a book I started just yesterday. Holler.

And it just started snowing again, love.

P.S. It has not gone unnoticed that I owe this blog a serious update. I really am going to go into detail about the fireman and all of those events. I really do promise I will. I want to. For reals. I'm weird though. I can't force myself to write about certain things...it'll hit me that I gotta get it out and then watch the eff out. Total uninhibited brain dump. Be prepared. It should be coming soon.

randomness...let it happen...

This morning while driving into work, I was thinking. I do a lot of my thinking while in the car. For some reason I thought to myself, if I found out I was going to die in a week I would not be happy with my current life. Then I got to thinking why? What is it about my life that I am unhappy with? The only person that can change it would be me.

I am still thinking about this (well, plan to revisit it because right now I'm at work), but I did come to the conclusion that I feel as if I'm in a constant state of waiting. Waiting for things to happen. I'm almost in a place where I'll be happy. I'm on hold. For some reason I feel like I can only be happy with time. I can only get the thing I want that will make me happy, with time. And all of this is just temporary. All of this day-to-day passing the time is simply a temporary state.

One day I'll buy a house. One day I'll travel to Italy. All of these things take time. They take money. Money, takes time. Simultaneously the world keeps moving. People get married, have babies, buy houses, get diagnosed with life-threatening diseases. And here I am. On hold. Waiting. Not cool.

This just happened...

Currently, it's Saturday morning. I'm lounging on my love seat with my lap top on my lap, scanning through the many pages of my tumblr dashboard while watching The Goonies and drinking Cinnamon Spice Dunkin Donuts coffee (God, I love Saturdays). I'm sitting here thinking about how I want to buy a house. Daydreaming about all aspects of it. As I'm sitting here, I glance out my sliding glass door windows.

I'm on the second floor of my apartment building. Behind my building is a very steep, large hill. At the top of the hill the ground levels off to a parking lot that backs up to the next set of apartment buildings. I can see cars driving through the circle up there.

Well, I glance out the sliding glass door windows to see a large Uhaul-looking truck make the turn in the parking lot. Except the truck is not a moving truck, it's a piano moving company truck. Who knew there were moving companies specific to pianos?

Why is this significant to me, you ask? It is significant, especially at the very moment that I'm thinking of my potential new home, because I remember that I have a piano! My piano is an old upright player piano (the kind that you can set to play by itself). The piano used to belong to my grandparents. I took lessons for many years while growing up, and always when I went to my grandparent's house I would play their piano with my Pop. I would play and my younger cousin would dance on the circular braided rug behind me and play with my long hair. When my Pop died, I begged my grandmother to let me have it. She did.

That piano has been sitting in The Exe's parent's basement for four long years. I've never lived in the same place as it. We moved the piano there when we bought the house together, but hadn't finished our basement yet. That was where it was going to go. Obviously that plan went to shit and the piano is still sitting there.

As I'm sitting here I am reminded that when I buy my very own home I'll be able to bring that piano that means so much. I'm officially excited.

A Divine 2009

I'm optimistic about this new year of 2009. Possibly this is simply because I am a relentlessly optimistic person by nature. Regardless, I am.

I am optimistic despite the fact that I've never felt more alone in my life. Alone in my social life, specifically, both sexes. Girlfriends, boyfriends; there's no discrimination.

I'm sure it goes without saying that I am in fact, single. My best friend and her long-time, fabulous boyfriend just got engaged on New Year's Eve. I am SO happy for them. Seriously. They're one of those amazing couples that compliment each other perfectly and have a wonderful, strong relationship. They're that couple you hang out with but never, not for one second, feel like a third wheel. Awesome in every sense. (Teensy bit depressed for little old me). Not showing it. Promise. The majority of my other friends, even my best guy friend most recently, are coupled up. I'm through with casual encounters. This feels good, but at times, baaaad. Painful even. The Ex is gone and gone for good this time. Restraining order boy is also done and done. Jimmy and I are friends, but strictly friends. Like I said, no casual encounters. New boy? Done.

So yep, that leaves me all by my lonesome. I stay in a lot lately. And I mean a lot. I stay in alone a lot. A lot. Except I go to the gym. Oh, an Target.

So why am I optimistic you ask? Well, there is no negativity in my life. There is no poison. The bad people are gone. The new people I choose to let into my life will be positive and I plan on being sure of that. As many of us do around this time, I feel as though I have a clean slate. The skeletons have been yanked, pulled, and drug out, (more times than necessary), and have been laid to a final rest. I've exhausted all opportunities that lie in my past. There are no unanswered questions left to explore in '09.

I've had my heart broken. But it's over. I've been betrayed, disappointed, let down. I plan to live smarter in the coming year. I rang in 2009 with new friends. Yes, it was awkward to get all dressed up in a cocktail dress, drive to the city, park, and walk to a house I'd never been, to a party that housed only one person I knew well and one other I'd met only once before, completely alone. Yes, it was odd. But I had a fabulous time. Everyone was so incredibly fun and friendly. (I realize alcohol was involved, but still). I accepted an invitation that I'm sure I would not have this same time last year.

They say the way you spend your New Year's Eve celebration is a reflection of how you will spend that new coming year, and I'd like to believe that I will spend 2009 stepping outside of my comfort zone, meeting new positive people, therefore allowing myself and my experiences to change. From new things comes change, and I've been stuck in a holding pattern expecting to find something new in the old. I stumbled upon a yearly horoscope for "the year ahead: 2009" and found this:

"Ditch your ideas about the way things ‘should’ be, because these will only stand in your way. It’s time to let go and experiment. Sometimes control isn’t possible."

And that's just what I plan to do. Call it my, I don't know, New Year's Resolution? Original, I know.

Happy New Year, all. Cheers.

Hiatus:

Ended.

Almost 3 months ago to the day I instituted a dating hiatus. If I'm being totally honest, (which I always am here if no where else), I thought it would be harder to keep than it was. Regardless, dating hiatus is coming to a close. This occurs simultaneously with my attempt to come out of hibernation....hmm, may be interesting.

I'm in no way on the prowl. I'm simply open to dating whereas I was closed before. And, whelp, I actually have a drink date tomorrow night. Just drinks. Ease myself back into the pool. The eager dater has already asked for a dinner date for Friday night, but whoa, let's see how drinks go first, buddy. (I actually said that in a joking manner. Totally serious though). Luckily my friends birthday is today so I told him I wasn't sure if she'd want to do something over the weekend since her birthday is during the week. That will be my out if tomorrow's drinks are a bust.

I'll be sure to report here. Who knows, I may be the groundhog again. One date and I'm back in the hole! We'll see :)

Hibernating

I'm still in hibernation. I keep thinking the end is near, but then it f's around and snows on the night I made plans to go out. It's like Groundhog Day and I'm the groundhog. Just when I think I'm ready to come out of hiding, the temperature drops, a flake falls and I scurry back inside and throw on my slippers. Shew, that was a close one. One more weekend of movies and sweats.

I'd like to say I feel like a loser, but I'm incredibly content. In the back of my mind I worry. That nagging voice says, "How are you ever going to meet anyone if you don't get out there?" Then I remember that maybe I don't really want to meet someone? Who knows. There is certainly no shortage of guys texting me all weekend to see what I'm doing. Old guys. Guys I've test driven and left at the lot.

Anyway. It's frigid outside so I'm inside. I decorated me wee little tree last night and it looks adorably precious I must say. I've discovered a new addiction, tumblr.com. OMGSH, I'm hooked. I post an obnoxious amount of things. Sorry tumblr world for my spamming.

http://overflowing.tumblr.com

Rainy Saturday

Today is one of those days when I feel the negative impacts of my dating hiatus. I'm alone and lonely. For me, there's a difference. I spend a lot of my time, I'd say the majority of my time (that I'm not at work), alone yet I do not feel lonely. Today, no such case. I'm lonely.

It's been raining all day. It's cloudy and cold. I want to curl up on the sofa with someone, order dinner and watch a movie. I want someone to want to be with me. To call me and say they want to see me, let's chill and relax. To spoon in bed with. To wake up on Sunday morning and cook breakfast with then get back into bed.

Lately I've had no desire to get all fancied up and go out. Shit, I've had no desire to go out period. So I chill. Alone. Normally I'm okay with that, but today and tonight, I'm lonely.

In other news, I spent a wee bit of time with Jimmy last night and this morning. It's not what you think and I don't think this event is linked to my feeling of loneliness though it very well may be. You be the judge. And judge you probably will. Rightfully so. The time was dog-centric. His dog. Allow me to disclose...

He called me yesterday morning to let me know that he was being evicted from his apartment unless he got rid of his dog by 5pm that day. He called me because at one point in time The Ex was willing to take him. The Ex still was. To make a long story short, I wound up meeting a woman that was keeping the dog for Jimmy last night while Jimmy coached a high school football game. I brought the dog, who I love to pieces, back to my place to keep and cuddle with for the night. Luckily, a coworker of mine who recently (sadly) put his 14-year-old dog down last week wanted to take the dog for him and his family. Fabulous set up for this dog who will bask in the attention he'll receive by being the families only dog.

So after Jimmy was finished with his game he came over to see the dog and hung out at my place for a bit. We didn't mess around. We talked. We laid on the sofa with the dog a bit. It's the oddest thing, but it's clear how content the dog is when Jimmy and I are together. When we hug, he's right in there with us. When we're sitting next to each other on the sofa, he's sure to have part of his furry body on me and the other part on Jimmy. I noticed this fact quite a while ago, but never said anything. Jimmy was actually the one to say it. Even the dog is smart enough to see what Jimmy doesn't.

I spent the night spooning with the great dane. Love him. This morning Jimmy and I drove to my coworker's place to drop off the dog. We hung out for a bit. I'm confident it's a good fit and couldn't be happier for all parties.

Though I found myself smiling while watching Jimmy interact with my coworker, a guy I've worked with for over 4 years who I love and respect like family. I wanted to lean on him or touch him while he talked with them. I wanted to be in a couple with him. I liked traveling with him. I liked being with him. I dreaded seeing our exit coming, knowing it meant our time together would be over and who knows when I'd see him again.

I think I'll always have a soft spot for him. I like him and I can't have him. I play it off while with him that I'm fine and moving on with my Ex. It's a lot less fabulous than I allow him to assume. At one point last night while we sat on opposite sides of the sofa with the dog between us he asked me if I'd missed him. I responded, "I missed Rocky." "Seriously," he said. "I missed you as much as you missed me," I said in a mocking tone. He looked down and said, "I think about you a lot." "Psh," is all I could muster. But that comment combined with that look shot right to my heart and pinched it. He jumped up and planted one little peck on my lips, then went back to his seat.

Ex-factor

The problem with hanging out with an ex, no matter how long it's been since the end, and no matter how much you've convinced yourself that you're over it all and you're now a new shiny person who is capable of a friendship, the problem is, you're wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

If you loved the person at any point in time then that love does not disappear. The relationship ended, and it ended for a reason. Probably a good one. At some point those reasons, no matter how far you've pushed them out of your mind, will resurface. Those unanswered questions will come back up. The questions you'll never truly have an answer for, except you do. You admitted them to yourself long ago, but the presence, well the presence has you being naive again. That closure you created for yourself because he just wasn't worth the time. It'll open up again. Frayed ends. You'll find yourself going through the same old motions. You'll feel that pang of hurt. It'll flood back in as though you never spent all those years building a wall. Fresh cuts as if they were carved the day before. Ouch.

Always, with that person, it will be there. No matter how much you want to prove to them that you've changed. Two years later you're different now. With them, you're not. You'll morph into that sad person. They'll get the best of you. Again. Over and over. You'll never escape it until you escape them.

Counting Benjis

In this crazy economy, and by crazy what I really mean is awful, frustrating and depressing, I am trying to save money. It is not an easy feat. I'm sure I'm probably preaching to the choir.

Being a single girl in this economy is rough. (Even more so now that I've instituted this little dating hiatus). I envy my co workers and friends that can go shopping for the new season's clothes. I miss living in a home with someone and having dual incomes. I realize this is all a part of growing up and boy have I done a lot of growing in the past two years. I've made sacrifices and I keep on making them. I'm counting on them all paying off at one point. It's got to. I've gone back to my natural hair color and color it myself to ward off high priced salon color treatments. I get my hair cut at the Hair Cuttery for christ's sake! No more manis and pedis. My indulgements are Netflix and my gym membership. The occasional lunch trip to Chipotle. No shopping. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I stepped foot into a mall.

I must say I am proud of myself for at least being able to support myself while paying all of my bills, and still surviving. I joke that once my direct deposit hits my bank account I gotta hurry up and get rid of all of my money to pay rent, bills and loans, but thank god I have the money to pay all of those bills. To be able to live by myself without a roommate and support my two furry four-legged friends. Those two count on me doggone it! (Ignore that bad pun). But I'm doing it.

This dating hiatus has been a blessing. After getting over the initial bout of lonliness that I'm sure will resurface from time to time. But this is the first time in my life I've spent a significant amount of time by myself. I'm realizing this is me, this is it. At least for now. And that's okay. I am capable. I need to live like this is how it could always be. It's amazing to me how much I continue to learn and grow. I've realized that I have no idea what I want. I cannot committ to anything when it comes to guys. Not even dinner. Even if I manage to committ to dinner I can't committ to a time, a place. I have issues. And that's okay. I've been dating as if I want something more, but I don't. Then I wind up ditching these guys once they start to talk about exclusivitey. I like the possibility of a guy, but once I have him the possibility is gone and therefore so is my interest. So dating hiatus has been a great idea and it is a plan I'm sticking with for a while. And I'm not going to decide to get off of the hiatus because I meet a guy. I need to be off of it because I'm ready to be and if I meet a guy AFTER that, fab.

So now here I am focused on saving. I'd like to get out of my one-bedroom apartment and buy a house. How awesome would it be if I could do that on my own? I'm gonna try. Who says I can't?

Weekend recap

In the name of all things random I'm offering up a complete recap of my not so eventful weekend. I'm at that spot on the roller coaster of life that you may call a down point. Or maybe just a steady, even point is more accurate. No screaming or clutching for dear life going on where I'm currently at. Regardless of what quirky name it is given, I'm feeling like simply lying back, relaxing, and doing a whole lotta nada with my very own self. I get that way from time to time. I'm pretty sure if I paid close enough attention I could get it down to a science, as in, the reassurance of this feeling about every say, 36 days or something. Then I could say thing like, oh, don't think I'm gonna want to go to dinner that night, my "me time" is due to start. Kinda like my period, another thing I've never bothered to pay enough attention to find out if it's regular. It's regular in that I get it every month...how many days in between? You got me.

So Friday, even though a nice guy who I have yet to go out with asked me out for drinks at a place nearby, I declined. No better plans, no reason, just not in the mood. Going home sounded better. And that's just what I did. I went home and hung out with my boys. Dating hiatus: full effect. I chatted with my best friend Melis. I watched some shows On Demand. I swapped the clothes and shoes in my closets. I have two walk in closets (ahh) and one of them is easier to get to than the other (due to the opening and closing of my bedroom door). For this reason I keep the current season's clothing in the more accessible closet and switch them each season. It's also an excuse for me to see what I'm working with each season and discard anything I haven't worn. I chilled and enjoyed the new crisp fall weather.

On Saturday I headed to a family party with The Ex (his family). It was a good time. Great to see everyone, especially his little niece who is not so little these days. Going on 8, she clung to me for a lot of the evening saying things like, "I never want to stop hugging you!" When I left she clutched my waist and pleaded, "Am I going to see you again??" I'm sure you will, Em, is all I could say.

Funny anecdote: For years, I'd say at least 5 if not more, The Exe's sisters and I have participated in this strange thing just between us four, where at each fam event we pass this old beat up green matchbox truck between us by dropping it in each other's purses lined up somewhere in the house. Whoever has it slips it into someone else's purse at some time throughout the night and you never know you have it until you get home. It's an unspoken thing we've just always done. I'm not even sure how it started. Well, when I got home Saturday night, the green matchbox truck was in my purse. Almost brought a tear to my eye. Then I was immediately worried because, when am I going to see them again? I can't lose this thing! And why did they give it to me?! Oy vey. I totally got the message though.

The Ex and I didn't hang out late night. He dropped me off and went out. I acted as if I was going to go out, but I stayed in. He wanted to go out together but I sensed that he really didn't even though he kept asking and saying he did. I felt like I kinda gave him the easy way out and declined. I'm just not sure about him sometimes. Things seem to be getting slightly awkward between us.

The night was fun but left me feeling sad. His family have all changed so much. All in positive ways. Having babies, gotten married, engaged to be married, buying houses. Growing up. making plans. And here I am, going backward. I'm happy for them, I am. I'm envious. Why didn't all of those things happen for him and I? Every single sibling of his has progressed forward. What's wrong with him? His oldest sister who loves to speak her mind gave me a serious rundown on his stripper ex-girlfriend. They all hate her. Good to know. But it just made it all the more real. He brought her and her kids around his family. She replaced me. Here I am now, two years later. Paranoid in bringing a guy home. Practically allergic to interacting with another guy and members of my family. He's had a whole other serious relationship since me. One where he cohabitated and shared his world. Ugh. Another reason I was happy to go home to my apartment and be by myself.

Sunday I headed to James's to watch the football game. The Ex came too. Jimmy called me while I was there. I ran outside to talk to him while The Ex came out and was being obnoxiously loud (sorta like Jimmy does when I'm on the phone). Then he got pissed and locked me outside. Idiot. They went out after the game but I headed up to my parent's place to go to dinner to celebrate my Mom's birthday. All in all, the weekend left me feeling sort of sad and the feeling seems to be sticking with me. I'm just not sure I'm happy with the direction my life is going. I'm trying to not be worried about it and simply concentrate on myself. But it's hard. Ah, well.

P.S. I realize this "weekend recap" is being posted as the next weekend is here, i.e. late. I drafted this post and never got around to finishing it, but wanted to. So here it is. My bad. (Nobody really reads this ish but me anyway!)

Wee bit o' background

I am a twenty-something single girl who loves to write. I write solely for myself. I find it incredibly therapeutic. I could be completely and utterly confused about a situation and just the simple act of sitting down and flushing out the randomness that is in my head leads me to my conclusion. Usually. I pay no attention to punctuation being used correctly, (so I apologize in advance if the lack of expertise annoys some readers), spelling, or tenses. I just write. Wow, I just assumed people will actually read this.

Once upon a time I used to write by hand. Journaling I always called it simply because I loathe the term diary. Ugh. I felt writing by hand was so much more personal than typing away at a keyboard. Well, I've since put that theory to rest and type all of my brain dumps onto my laptop. Honestly, if a thought hits me and I'm at work type it up in an email and send it to myself then transfer it over later. If I'm nowhere near a computer I pull out my Palm and type whatever I'm thinking into the memos section. It's weird, I know, but it's what I do.

So I've been journaling in Microsoft word for over a year now and I guess I'm ready to take the next step and put it all out there. Why not, ya know? The thing is, I thought I'd start where the document on my computer starts so the first entries I post are going to be old. I will bring it all up to date so I can eventually start blogging about present day. For a bit this blog will be a mix of journal entries, quotes, song lyrics, photos, etc. Anything that catches my eye really. Hence, sheer randomness.

Tiny tidbit, names of men have been changed in an attempt to remain anonymous. The Ex will always be referred to as such; The Ex. (I think this is my subconscious not wanting him to somehow telepathically feel pleasure/know that I am writing/thinking about him. I apologize in advance if this causes confusion but let's be serious, whose life isn't confusing?

"How can I know what I think unless I see what I write? My writing is the submarine or spaceship which takes me to the unknown worlds within my head. And the adventure is endless and inexhaustible. If I learn to build the right vehicle, then I can discover even more territories."
-Erica Jong