August 18, 2008

Ready for the realness

August 10, 2008

I am completely and utterly sick of guys, at least the guys that are currently in my life. I believe the idea that we meet certain people in our lives for a reason. Each person has something to teach or show us. Sometimes they reveal something about ourselves to us. Mirrors. They are all lessons and once the lesson is learned, once they’ve taught or shown us what they are intended to teach or show, we move on; wiser. Until we find the person who is supposed to remain.

Victor taught me not to put up with certain abusive actions. He taught me that a person can be abusive without physically harming you. He showed me the warning signs and he made me realize I should not put up with being treated poorly and should bounce quickly. I learned that lesson the hard way.

The Ex showed me that not all people can live up to there full potential. He showed me that you cannot will someone to change and you cannot help him or her from him or herself. He also taught me that sometimes you have to put you and your happiness first, and that although there was the dream of something and the hope of a future, that future can change and when it has you have to pack up and leave. He taught me how to let go. That was the hardest lesson thus far. A lesson I’m still dealing with.

John taught me that even when there’s passion, there must be something more. He showed me that love sometimes love is not enough and that you cannot settle.

Alan showed me my demons. He helped me see that I hold onto my past like a badge and allow it to hold me back. I lean on it and use it as an excuse when I should never. He let me know that getting over being hurt is a daily struggle, something that you don’t do just once and then move on. It’s something you deal with over and over and you have to do just that. He was the first step in putting my past in the past.

Ken showed me that I have been extremely naïve when it comes to men and their intentions. I believe that all of them just want to be loved, but the truth is, some of them just want me for my body. Some of them are just after one thing and will do/say anything to get it. Ken showed me that body parts govern some men. Yes, I've heard this and known this, but I always believe the good in people and some people just don't have it. He taught me that something things just are what they are, plain and simple. This is something that is difficult to deal with.

Jimmy showed me that, shit, no matter how old you are, you can still get played. I was stupid enough to believe that that was a thing of the past, but no, some guys still think its cool and do it. Every guy I ever dated or slept with always wanted more from me and I was cocky with that assumption. He showed me that although up until this point in my 27 years I may not have been played, does not mean a guy won’t come along and do it and whelp, he did it. He got the best of me and I wont’ be stupid enough to let that happen again.

I guess I’m fed up with guys right now because the most recent lessons I’ve learned from Ken and Jimmy are the most despicable ones. Maybe I’ve always been gullible and naïve and everyone has known this about me but me. Lately I feel like I am being used by all of these guys.

Jimmy calls me when it is convenient for him. It is all about him. I hear from him only if he needs something or has something to tell me. I am here for him. Does he ever ask me about me, my day, my work? No. If I call him at any other time he is completely uninterested.

The Ex is trying to come back into my life but he is lost. He knows that he is lost and I think he thinks that if he were with me than he would find himself. I am now the answer. The Ex is always seeking the answer in another person when the truth is that he needs to find it within himself. If I were to get back with him he would only eventually feel lost and seek to be found in someone else. I am safe though. I am something he knows, something good, and since he doesn’t have me he thinks I am the answer. I’m not. Only he has the answer within himself and until he finds it he will never be happy. Truth be told, I can see him searching for his entire life. Constantly moving on and on through women and circles of friends, never looking within.

I am so disgusted by the awful truth that Ken has shown me that although I know this may be a universal truth, I associate him with that truth. I probably always will and therefore, will never be able to trust him. There's no chance I'll be able to say, "he's different," even if it's just something I chose to tell myself.

The question is, have I learned all the lessons I've needed to learn? Am I officially schooled now? Is there a reason why I’m being faced with all of these trials when it comes to relationships? Is there some sort of plan laid out for me that require me to learn all of these things? I’d like to think so. I know I’m nowhere near perfect and I feel like I did need to learn these lessons. As each layer is revealed I feel the sensation that I have been sheltered. I can’t help but wonder if I could have been perfectly happy meeting someone good without having to learn all of these truths though. I’m sure I needed to, mainly because I am attracted to, and typically go for the bad guy. This is an unhealthy pattern of mine, I know. Something that I need to grow out of and possibly this is the message I’ve been intended to learn all along. Well, I’ve got it. I’ve got it, okay?

I’m tired of the lessons; I’m tired of the bad guys. Haven’t I done my time? I’m a good person.

So with all of these lessons coming full circle, I’ve realized that I’m ready for something real. I’m ready to start something good. I’m tired of this dating game and these awful guys. I’m ready to fall for someone and I’m ready for that someone to be good. My wish at this point, is that someone, somewhere has learned a lesson or two from mine. God knows we can’t live long enough to make all of the mistakes so we’ve got to learn from others. Maybe my mistakes, my trials, my lessons, can save someone a little heartache from learning them for themselves.

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