August 19, 2008
I'm so quick to assume the worst these days. He's gonna fuck it up, he's fucking it up, that's it, he has gone and fucked it all up. It's over. I knew it. Geeze. I think I need to cut him just a wee bit of slack. Bring back the good old benefit of the doubt.
Just one night that he didn't call me (after his very first day in the fireman's academy when he had to get up at an ungodly hour), and I assume he's bullshit. Harsh, even for me. I even sent him a "Whatever, you're acting the same" text last night before I went to sleep. Nailing that coffin. He called me today at 4:13pm (he gets out of the academy at 4 so right away) asking why I was so mad at him. Poor guy. It warmed my heart when he said, "I fell asleep, babe!" Aw. Hearing him call me babe and I'm immediately mush. Forgiven.
I'm just so afraid that it's all going to go away and even before it's really begun. That he's going to realize he didn't really mean what he had said and pull away again. That it's not real. That he's not real. I put myself out there and tried with him for at least a couple of weeks. I know this sounds like no time at all, but considering it was my first time chasing a guy, it means a lot to me. Now that he's come back around I'm just so happy to have it and at the same time so afraid to lose it. I think I'm falling in love with this kid. Seriously, what am I getting myself into? I don't care. I'm not going to think about it, analyze it (more than I already have), I'm just going to let it happen. I am thankful to have this feeling for him. It feels so damn good. I'm going with it.