September 30, 2008

Notable quotes

I'm a quote junky. I'm also a book junky. Put these two characteristics together and what you wind up with is a finished book with a whole lotta dog-eared pages.

As I read a book if I stumble on a quote or excerpt that is to my liking, be it that I relate or simply find it funny and/or enlightening, I dog ear that page so that later I will remember to write it down in my book of quotes. Yes, I am a nerd. Because of my insatiable appetite for books, (which I gotta admit has been suffering since Fall Television has kicked off), all of my books come from the library, i.e. even more reason to be sure to copy that ish down. It's not chilling on my bookshelf for easy access.

Every once in a while I'll read a book that has significant dog-ear potential and I'll feel the need to share. The latest, It's My F---ing Birthday by Merrill Markoe. Funny, witty and easy to read. Pretty darn easy to relate to too if you ask me. Below is a dump of notable quotes, in my humble opinion:

"I have high hopes that this will be the year the dumb girl in my finally dies. She is long overdue for a painless, or even a painful, death. I'm so sick of listening to her try to convince me of things I know don't make any sense: that the plots of romantic movies are plausible; that men who have cheated repeatedly might suddenly decide to turn over a new leaf; that guys who are assholes might turn out to be more considerate in time. I think I have been afraid to kill her completely because I'm worried that she' the only one of us who still has a little hope. I think I'm counting on her hope and her naivety to keep me from falling into the Hole."

"But even more important, from now on I must use my intuition. I must use my ever-growing knowledge of human behavior and all the things I have learned from therapy. When I think I might get involved with someone now I will not sleep with him unless I know for a fact that he loves me. I don't want to be with anyone who is out of touch with his feelings, someone who doesn't want to make a commitment."

"No more ridiculous affairs. Thirty-six years of stupid love is certainly more than enough. No more getting sexual with people I know are totally hopeless."

"No more voluntary participation in bad sex. Identify it quickly, ignite early warning system, get away. This is the nineties for God's sake."

"The only time (these guys) are truly comfortable is when a relationship is just beginning, because then there is pursuit but no commitment. Or at the very end. The middle part--the part that would contain the relationship--makes them feel like they're being suffocated."

"I have to trust my instincts. When I have started to lecture myself in order to bypass them is when I know I need to worry."

"It's ridiculous to always assume my friends know more about what is going on than I do, just because they have read a bunch of pop psychology. I love my friends, but it may be because they are as fucked up as I am."

"Be wary of men who love too much too soon for no reason."

"No more faking orgasms to help an inept guy have better self-esteem than I am exhibiting by faking orgasms in the first place."

"Don't make a big deal out of the fact that there were no guys this year. Perhaps that's a better thing than continuing to get involved with guys who exhibit behavior from the beginning that indicates the whole thing is completely hopeless. So try to remember the above as a coping strategy when I am so crazed with horniness that I want to throw myself off a building."

"Maybe the illusion of progress is as good as progress itself. Maybe I needed to take more risks. Maybe a checkered, goofy love life full of tragedy and strife, full of hideous lows and delusional highs, was better than a long blank period jam-packed with nothing. Maybe this was a message the universe was trying to give me. It was instructing me to stop worrying about trying to get things right and just do something, anything. Be vulnerable. Don't think so much. Live."

"Of course, the sex was awesome as advertised. It was like being part of a really good chemistry experiment. Everything was a turn-on. It felt like the sexual equivalent of a big, cool, chocolate shake. Delicious, with minimal nutritional value, consequences to come later."

"But so what? I would say to myself. I always knew what I was getting into. At least I am living my life on the edge. At least I am taking risks. Isn't this a better way to live then doing nothing? On the drive home I turned the radio up really loud in the hope that it would invade my body enough to change my DNA. Maybe there was some chance that it would help me convince myself I really didn't give a flying fuck. This detachment lasted about thirty-six hours. After that a wave of obsession came in like a tsunami to replace it. And with the obsession came a lot of counterproductive reasoning. The dumb girl's imagination was very sophisticated when it came to obsessing. It was the thing she did best. 'Maybe after a while, if you hang in there, he will get hooked on you the same way you are hooked on him,' she offered, as though she was from some alternate universe where this was a possibility. 'After all, he is only human. You guys are really hot together. And you can't be that hot with someone without feelings creeping in. It's not possible. Ask anyone.'"

"A checkered, goofy love life filled with tragedy and strife is not better than a long blank period. Whoever said is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all did not mean repeatedly, exclusively, and after the age of thirty-five."

"When you have never loved at all, at least you have enough attention span left to get some reading done."

"Just because there is heat in a kiss does not mean there is anything else in that kiss besides heat. And you're a fucking idiot if you think it does."

"But Mike taught me an important lesson about how the whole feeling of falling in love can be a really false read. What you think you feel about a person can change over time. It takes quite a while to be able to see it."

"When I read her quote, 'The first time I looked in his eyes I saw something that I didn't expect to see, ' I immediately thought about how many times I had noticed that something in someone's eyes and been confused by it. It reminded me of the millions of times the dumb girl tried to convince me that every moment of chemistry with a new guy was a crescendo in a symphonic love overture. I think it took me until this year to finally realize that when you see too much in his eyes in the very beginning, you're not looking at the early stages of love, you're looking at the early stages of trouble."

"No more trying to decipher the secret code of others. From now on, take everyone at face value, period. If it seems like there is something complex that I suspect may be in code, remember that the person who is making me feel that way is being an asshole. If I can't understand what they're saying, too bad for them. I can't do all the work. My brain pathways are in exile."

La dee da dee da

I'm covering my ears and singing to block out the sounds of judging. No judgment, (please)?

Guess I'll start with the portion of my tale that's the most judge worthy. Jump right into the meat of it. Let me just first start out by saying, (well second since first I'd like to ask you kindly not to judge), that I am happy with my decisions (for the most part) and do not feel dreadful. Funny how looking at something with a different attitude, a new perspective, can change the entire outcome.


I hung out with Jimmy last night and yes we hooked up. Yes, after I said I was done, finished, finito exactly one week ago today. (Insert judgment here).

I have to say that rather than feeling dreadful today I feel liberated. I'm officially and proudly over the crush. I no longer want anything from him nor do I feel disappointed or dissed by him. I have to assume I got over the crush after deciding not to talk to him and not to care anymore. It worked. I don't know how we humans do it, (I assume it happens for us all), but I love how I can will a feeling into eventual reality. Sometimes it takes longer than other times, but ultimately I reach the emotional state of being I've set out for.

It all began when I ran into him while I was walking my dog after work. He was throwing the football with his roommate. He immediately got that ear-to-ear, adorably childish grin on his face when he saw me, yelled my name and then ran up to me. I was on my cell phone with James trying to persuade him to come up to my neck of the woods to watch some Monday night football. Of course Jimmy proceeded to act like the child he is and yell loudly (so as to be sure the person on the other end of the line would hear him), to get off of the phone, who am I talking to, and is it a guy?? He even grabbed the phone at one point and talked to James for a bit. Oy. Thank goodness it wasn't The Ex.

I hadn't seen him in over 2 weeks. Feelings: nada besides simply sheer physical attraction and the fact that he was playing football, hot. Oh, and the realization that we were wearing the same exact jersey. Presh. Still, all in all good.

He called me a couple times after the walk. I talked to him for a bit. Nothing big. It's funny how he seems to think I cease to exist when he hasn't seen me for a while and then once he does see me he is immediately shocked and consumed with my existence and can't get enough. As if he honestly forgot about me.

I went to watch Monday night football with James and The Ex. The plan was to just go with James, but once The Ex got wind that James and I were going together he insisted on tagging along. James was literally walking out the door when The Ex called him on his way home from work and insisted on coming along. James had to wait for him to shower, change, the whole deal. I don't mind that he comes but it changes the dynamic a wee bit. He still just doesn't seem comfortable with the two of us hanging out alone. Oh well. Such is life.

While I was out I got a few texts from Jimmy asking if we could hang out. Begging really. Outwardly begging. I knew what it was all about. The old feelings of "I shouldn't" were present, but something new was also. I wanted to. And I wanted to not for the same reasons that I used to want to. I wanted to because I felt totally in control. I'm not that pansy, what if this, what if that girl anymore when it comes to him. Yes, I still find him attractive (I didn't have a lobotomy), but I'm not searching for more than satisfying that physical attraction. I'm single. He's single. Part of me did want to show off my new improved self.

The Ex dropped me off (this is sorta why I say I don't feel badly "for the most part." It's The Exes involvement in the scenario, which there is more of that I will get to later on). So The Ex dropped me off and after a quick freshen up I went to see Jimmy. During the freshen up The Ex called (I think to see if I'd answer...curious as to whether I'd be involved in a late-night visit). He wanted to say good night and let me know he was almost home. Nice.

Shortly after hanging up with The Ex I headed for Jimmy's. Hanging out with him was fun. We talked, we laughed, etc. ETC. Lets just call it as it is, ya know? I had fun joking around with him and being the girl that is in control instead of the girl that wanted more. I talked to him about The Ex and he offered advice. He threw in the appropriate jealous annoyed comments, but also said I can't hold back and should just give him a chance. I didn't want to spend the night because, duh, I'll sleep better in my own bed and a girls' gotta work in the morning! HE seemed to be the girl that wanted more and I was eating it up. Isn't that how human nature works? We want what we can't have. As soon as we have it we don't want it anymore, but take it away, and by god we wanted that! Oh the tables, how they turn and there's nothing I like more than when they are a turnin' in my favor.

The truth is, it felt like we were friends and I like that feeling so much better than the previous feelings of the Jimmy and I saga. What this was, was the ultimate summer fling. Inappropriate, hot, and utterly convenient, lasting from May until September. Who could ask for more? And that's just it, no one should have ever asked for more. Yet that's just what I did; went ahead and killed it with the illusion of wanting more. Let me be straight with myself and say that I knew from the beginning I didn't want anything serious with him. I just got a little side-tracked. I blame the sex haze, which then caused my ego to be bruised and then I might as well have been Alice falling down the hole to Wonderland constantly seeking my ego to be repaired by him. Stepping back from him and alleviating the idea (or more like coming to my senses) that it couldn't and shouldn't be something more, allowed me to see it for how it is, how it was, and of course, how it should be. (Shout out to Salt 'N' Pepa for that one, didja catch it)?

Bottom line is there's a reason I crushed on him on the first place and it's because without all the pressure he is a funny, adorable, entertaining guy and definitely someone I can be friends with. Potential boyfriend material? Not so much. No news there. So I'm back and I'm walking on solid ground. Last night felt like closure and there's nothing this girl likes more than closure followed by some redemption, and topped with friendship so my relationships do not feel trashy and pointless. Make no mistake, no judgment coming from this direction for those relationships that don't.

Funny though, in a sort of sad way he asked if that would be the last time we would be together like that. I told him I didn't know, duh. And he asked that I let him know if I'm getting back with The Ex so we can be together one more time. He wants to know when it's going to be the last time. I'm not sure how to take that, but I feel like it's a little bit sort of, maybe in the realm of sweet. He told me he's probably moving. I'm thinking that will bring a close to our final chapter. We see each other now mostly in passing, coincidences and if it's planned then it's last minute and I only agree because of how close he really is. This is a shame considering I feel like I've just now discovered how to enjoy him in a new way, a way I could probably enjoy worry free indefinitely.

As a joke, because he gave me such a hard time for not calling or answering his calls after our last escapade, I sent him a text this afternoon that simply said, "So I'm texting you so you can't say you didn't hear from me the next day like you said last time ;)" He immediately called me. I mean a second later. So quickly that I thought possibly it was an incredible coincidence, but no, he had received the text and was calling. Calling because he wanted to know why I cared considering I had admitted last night that "it was just sex." I told him I had been kidding last night (though I wasn't), and he went on to tell me to stop lying and just be for real with him. He seemed serious so I settled with, how about we don't label it. He liked that. We chatted a bit. Nonsense really. I ended the convo so as to avoid wanting more. Perfect, and I still feel wonderful about the entire situation. It's obvious by my blogs that I was consumed with analyzing that situation and I'm happy to finally put it to rest.

So moving on to why I feel content with last night's decision but only, "for the most part." The part I don't feel good about is the proximity of its' timing to certain other events. Once again I'm going to ask for the ceasing of judgment at this point.


(I'm gonna ease into this one)

So I mentioned that I've been spending a bit of time with The Ex and by what I've said already I think it's clear that this little tidbit remains true. On Saturday I allowed him to come up to my parent's place with me for their end of summer shindig, as friends. I made it clear to all that we are just friends. What did my mother do when she saw him? Cried. Yup, she freakin' cried. She would not stop hugging him and was actually crying real tears. Get it together, Mom! Jeez, we're playing it cool and she was totally not helping. It was only a matter of time before my Dad had him out in the garage and they were discussing tools and work. I barely saw him the entire time we were there. They really had missed him, it was evident in how they talked his ear off all night.

We got back to my place around 11ish and I let him spend the night because the spending of the night was because of sheer exhaustion and not in the hopes of getting busy. He was so exhausted that he literally fell asleep on my couch mere minutes after our arrival. When I was ready I woke him and let him know I was going into bed and he could stay or join. Of course he joined. There was cuddling, but no funny business. Whelp, not until morning. Yea I went ahead and complicated the situation by having sex with The Ex. Damn it.

So if you're thinking backward in your head, doing the elementary math required, you'll see that Sunday morning I slept with The Ex, and Monday night I slept with Jimmy. Yup, call me what I am, a hoe. (Insert MORE judgment here).

Top that with I hung out with The Ex Monday night beforehand and allowed him to buy me dinner and drinks and then upon his dropping me off I skirted over to my new boy toy's and wow, there is no argument involved with the idea that I am a freakin' hoe.

And let me just back up a second. Actions that are starting to make me nervous when it comes to The Ex which I have no doubt stem from the complicating of things: while I'm on my cell phone Monday night, clearly texting, he tries to look over my shoulder and see who I'm texting/what I'm texting. This went on the entire night. At one point he literally stole my phone from me and proceeded to text back my friend Ryan with "Ur a fag." Thank god it had been Ryan I was texting back at the ime and not Jimmy. After he texted that he definitely tried to look through it more as I chased him around the pool table. I have no doubt that Jimmy was who he was looking for. That is the target he was most certainly wanted to hit. Times like that I am so thankful for my Palm Centro Smartphone that is so deliciously complicated that no one knows how to operate it. It wasn't the first time a guy's snooping had been blocked simply because he couldn't figure out how to work it. When I finally got my phone back and yelled at him then went outside with James, he rolled his eyes at me. I could tell he was annoyed that I cared that he had taken my phone. He wanted me to not give a shit about any other guys and any drama he may cause between us. Sorry but, you're not there. Throughout the night he continued to try to sneak my phone out of my purse. Calling me shortly after he dropped me off also worries me. He disguised it as saying good night, but I know he was checking on me. He didn't ask anything, but he didn't have to.

I justify my actions by thinking of it as security. Maybe the blow that will occur after The Ex effs up will be less of a tremor if I'm having a little fun on the side. If I have my own secrets, it won't be so hard to deal with the possibility that some of his may eventually come out should there be any. And by gosh, that boy hurt me badly. He owes me. What goes around comes around. (Got anymore cliches that work in my benefit)?

Technically, I'm single and not doing anything wrong. Immediately after the act I warned The Ex that I had wanted to avoid doing that because it complicates things. Okay, maybe it was a statement at the time but it turned into a warning when I went ahead and complicated them. He brushed my warning off by saying that this is us we're talking about, things won't get complicated. Problem is, the me that was involved in the us he's referring to no longer exists. He just hasn't realized that yet.

September 18, 2008

Who knows? Not I.

I don't even know where to start so I'm just going to start.

Ken and I got together as "friends" last week. Drinks and appetizers after work. Long story short, the conclusion is that we cannot be just friends. Too many times he told me he misses me (even though I was sitting directly across from him). Too many times he talked about us; what went wrong, what he wishes, oh how sad. We did have a good time together as we always have had. Drinking margaritas and martinis and laughing. Things are just easy and comfortable between us. It's the oddest thing. I am incapable of being seriously into him even though he is seriously into me, yet I find him ridiculously attractive. When I'm around him I like him but as soon as he leaves my vision I have forgotten him. Be it that I'm afraid or just not that into him, I have no idea. One of the worlds' many unsolved mysteries. There are certainly more important ones, so moving on.

The night ended with us kissing, yet another sign that we will not be "just friends." I'm too attracted to him not to allow him to kiss me. I can see us going out on a weekend night and my allowing him to have sex with me. In no way am I in need of a fuck buddy.

This week I received texts from him saying he can't stop thinking about me and he misses the fun we had. Feeling not mutual. Damn it, sometimes I wish it were.

So here's the doozy, I've been spending a bit of time with The Ex. Yup, The Ex. Friday night he actually opened up to me and by opening up I mean in the largest way. He tore down the wall and poured out everything inside. I don't know where it came from or why. It was incredibly random. We were out for a bit and the second we got into the car the flood gates opened. I dated him for five years. I've been with him through the loss of loved ones, parent's surgeries and scares, and never have I seen him cry. We've been broken up for two years and never tears. Something happened to him and the tears just wouldn't stop. It is indescribable even now to say what it felt like to see this person I've known for 7 years, lived with, known inside and out, act in a way I never had before. His tears made me cry so we proceeded to cry together like a couple of fools. I offered no words. But told him it was okay as he apologized profusely for everything that ever happened. He kept telling me that it wasn't okay and to stop saying it was.

I've been quite when it comes to voicing my feelings and/or opinions to him about him, us and the future possible potential for an us. He wants to get back together. I'm the love of his life. He's asked that I just think about it, so I guess I am. I went to a football game with him on Sunday and we had a blast as well. No funny business, no talking of us unless it comes from him. My wall is still firmly in place and will remain that way for a while I assume. I'm not sure what I'm doing. I guess I'm just allowing time to be the ultimate decision maker. If he's going to fuck up then it will only take time.

People tell me I should just give him another chance, if I love him it's worth it, I can't hold back, blah, blah, blah. I can't listen to that psycho babble. This is my heart we're talking about and I'm not ready to put it back on the table for him to possibly crush again. This is dangerous waters we're dealing with. I know what it felt like to be broken by him. I know how long it took me to breathe normally and not feel socially retarded in public. No one else can know that but me. I don't feel like I'm the one who needs to do anything. So I'm not. Period.

Jimmy has been calling quite a bit; because I'm showing no interest of course. He called and bitched me out for coming over there, sleeping with him, leaving when I said I'd stay, and then not talking to him after, "as if sex is all it was to me." I explained that I was just following his lead. He so confuses me. He says I play games and he's afraid to seriously date me because he is afraid I will hurt him. I think that sounds like an excuse. Still, I think of him. I haven't seen him since that last night and I don't plan to, but I can't deny that I think of him. I even miss him.

For now, it's Friday and almost the weekend. Plans for tonight are simply walking to a little happy hour at a bar my guy friend Ryan works at with a couple friends from work. James is meeting us over there. I'll probably only stay for an hour or two so I can get home to my boys. I've been holding onto a Netflix movie for far too long, Smart People, so I plan on viewing that while lying in bed. Tomorrow my parents are having a little end of summer shindig. And Sunday, whelp, who knows!

Have a fab weekend friends!

September 16, 2008


So it seems I need to be a little more clear with myself. Okay, more like harsh.

Dating hiatus does not in any way mean that you should continue to have sex with a guy who has clearly shown he is lazy and has no interest in putting the effort into you that you so deserve.

I relapsed Sunday night and slept with Jimmy. It will be the final time. I'm sure of it because of how I felt afterward. Awful. Definite post depression sunk in immediately. I was so angry with myself. So much so, that I had to leave shortly after the act. I did a fabulous job of ignoring him all weekend which of course made him come on stronger. He's so predictable. Then I ended all of that hard work with giving up in the most extreme way. No more.

I actually left and called The Ex. I needed to talk to someone. At 1am he listened to me babble about what I did, what's wrong with me, why, why, why?? I was a wreck. He just listened and told me to just stop. I'm too good for it, and I know it. He said I am too hard on myself. Sometimes I am so incredibly thankful for him. I think he has grown to be a real friend to me. In some ways.

The next day, I felt even more foolish but immediately began the process of blocking the previous nights' events out of my mind completely. I am ending this nonsense. I know I've said this time and time again.

In other news, Ken has resurfaced and his new angle is that he'd like to be friends. I guess technically he never went away in order to resurface. I have heard from him at least once a week whether it's a text or a phone call. Regardless, this new proposal is coming from the same guy who hated the fact that I had so many guy friends, (I get along great with guys, it's just easy and I have fun with them. Period). He was always adamant about the fact that he did not have friends as girls. If he was hanging out with a girl it was because he was interested in her for other reasons. And last but not least, all my guy friends "just want to fuck" me. Ironic that he now would like to be my friend.

I of course mentioned his "theory." His response is that I could be his first friend as a girl. He just misses me and maybe it will be a disaster, but it could be a good thing too. He threw in how it has taken him a long time to get over me, that he wishes I hadn't closed up on him, i.e. all things that sound like he might not actually be over me. Hmm. Well, I am always up for remaining friends with people. I can do it. My experience is that guys usually can't. I'm skeptical because I think this may just be an angle. But, I rarely turn things down without giving it a shot, so I will. I am in full control of what does and does not happen. I'll keep ya posted on the progress of that one.

September 12, 2008

Selfish me

It's Friday, gloomy, and I couldn't be happier. What better way to start the first weekend of my dating hiatus then with a cloudy night that just begs me to get in my sweats, hop on the couch, and curl up with a blanket, my boys and a movie. Even if I had plans to go out a night like this would tempt me to cancel. I've got a fresh Netflix movie and two cuddly boys at home that are ready for a good night in. Smart People is what we'll be watching tonight. Yay!

Happy Friday to those that will be out and about, and to the recluses like myself, enjoy!

September 11, 2008

Dating hiatus

You heard it here first (as if you'd hear it anywhere else). I'm going on a bit of a dating hiatus, which basically means that I'm going to be spending a lot of time with myself. If I have mentally prepared myself for this it won't feel quite as pathetic while I'm spending the majority of my Friday and Saturday nights chilling in with the boys, reading, watching movies, organizing my closets and other various nooks and crannies of my apartment. This may sound like a death sentence to some but it is pure bliss for me. I could occupy myself with busy things around the apartment for quite a while and be perfectly satisfied. I'll be sure to make dinner/drink plans with the girls throughout as well. Armed with my library card, my Netflix subscription, and a treasure in my nightstand, I should be good (at least for a bit).

This hiatus does not mean that I will turn down a guy that I feel has potential. No, not at all. It just means that my mind and goals are elsewhere and dating is not my concern. I'm not looking.

One of the elsewhere goals is to end the cycle of mediocre men and seriously bid adue to the exes hanging around. Another goal is to save some serious money so I can start making some changes in my life: redecorate my apartment, one day get out of my one bedroom apartment, have a bit of nest egg.

I understand that this may lead to a completely boring blog, so because of that, I will leave you with an entertaining story that will surely have you rolling your eyes and possibly give you a bit of a chuckle.

First, let me say that I have stuck to my guns when it came to ending the cycle with Jimmy. (Backtrack: he wound up keeping the dog. Yes, after he refused to go to The Ex's with me that fateful morning, had me in tears thinking I'd have to go alone because I couldn't stand the thought of the dog in the pound, had me calling my girlfriend who offered to temporarily take him, drove all the way to her place with the dog, he called and had changed his mind...while he was at his second job...just 3 hours later. He wouldn' t be off work until 2am so I was to keep the dog until then. I couldn't leave him in my apartment so I had to cancel the plans I had to go out with friends. My Sunday before Labor Day was ruined).

I've talked to him twice since that day. Once to return the dog's food and bowls, and the other for him to bitch and complain because one of his friends saw me out at a boxing match with a table full of guys. Yes, I was there. Yes, I was the only girl. And yes, I had a fabulous time. Call me a tom girl but I love some serious full contact sports. Sexy.

So, he calls me last night after I haven't heard from him in 3 days (which was only for him to bitch about me being with guys), asking if he had left his diamond stud earrings at my place. I knew he hadn't. He then asked if I had any cheap earrings he could borrow. Ugh, of course he wanted something. I did. He asked if I could bring them up to him. Come get them yourself if you want them, I said! He begged I just bring them up, he had just gotten out of the shower. Me being the nice person I am, agreed.

I get to his apartment and he opens the door but is hiding his body behind it. Just his head is poking around. My first reaction is that he doesn't want to let me in and just wants me to hand him the earrings. I hesitate for a second before he tells me to come in. I see behind him that the place is completely dark except for a couple of candles lit. I walk past him. "What, are you getting romantic with yourself or something?" I say. Before turning around to see that he is completely naked. Yes, naked and coming at me. Dancing toward me really. OMG, seriously? Wow. I laugh at him. What else could I do? He went on to hug and kiss me and baby this, baby that talk to me, trying to get me to do this and that, and whelp, it just wasn't happening. He realized quickly that I wasn't that easy but didn't put on his clothes. Nope, he was clearly comfy naked. He danced around like a goof ball. It was really pretty comical!

But lets be serious, I've barely talked to you and you coax me to your place under false pretenses and expect me to give it up. Sorry bud, I'm not and never will be your booty call. I'm not that girl.

He realized it wasn't happening and went and got dressed. I played with the dog who I'm hopelessly in love with for a bit before leaving.

He later called me 3 times at 1:30am. I didn't answer.

Dating hiatus has officially begun.

September 4, 2008

Be free to be afraid

I am happy to report that I had a successful first date last night. I met the guy a couple Saturday's ago at a hot spot downtown. We talked a bit, we know some of the same people, he lives and works in DC (not too far), but is in town often to visit friends.

He was in town yesterday, his birthday, to have dinner with his family. He asked if I'd like to meet for a drink after. I rarely go out on a school night, but I work in the city, coincidentally, in the building next door to where he and his fam were having dinner. So I figured why the hell not. Not to mention, I've gotta loosen up a bit. If I want change then I have to change the way I act and react. So I said yes. We decided we'd work out the details yesterday afternoon.

So on schedule I got a text from him saying he expected to be finished with dinner around 9:30ish, would that be okay? Then immediately, my cell phone died. Fab.

That's a wee bit late for me to make the trip back into the city (I love about 20 minutes north). I wasn't too keen on driving home from the city then back down hours later, only to make the trip again in the morning. I made up my mind while still at work that we'd reschedule but I'd have to wait until I got home to do so. My co-worker informed me that I'd have to call because otherwise it just sounded like an excuse. "Sorry it took a while for me to respond, my phone died right when I got your text, and oh, by the way, tonight's not going to work after all. Too late for me." Well I wasn't ready for voice-on-voice. I'm such a scaredy cat. Plus, he was having dinner with his not trying to interrupt that. So although I told her, of course I'll call, I texted. A whole hour later canceling, but I'd like to do it another time. He wrote write back.

He said he understood, thought I lived closer and well, didn't mind coming coming to get me (an extra 20 minutes north out of his way for heading home), and grabbing a drink close by. Wow, impressive.

I thought on the idea for a minute. I was all set to cancel and do nothing. Once I get in that state of mind it's hard to get out. Another one of my stupid qualities I need to change. But then, the fear crept him. Having him come to my place? Ugh, I'm such a wierdo when it comes to that stuff. I get all uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing for a bit. I grabbed the leash and took the dog for a walk.

I wracked my brain. If I say no it would require me to come up with a lame excuse, i.e. lie. I'd be mad at myself later for still effing with the immature, selfish guys in my life with no one to blame but myself for the lack of new. I'd do nothing but read and watch bad TV if I stayed in. Why do I put myself through so much mental turmoil over such trivial things? Woudn't normal people just say, okay, sounds good! I'm a mess.

So when I got back to my apartment I texted him saying that sounded good (in my most normal text voice). I was not normal on the inside.

He called me from the restaurant just before dessert and we had a good little convo. Laughing is always good. It was presh. I texted him my address and just 20 minutes later he let me know he was on his way. So far he was doing it all right.

He arrived and we headed to a local martini bar. We stayed for a few hours and talked a lot. It was good, it was nice. We'll see how it goes.

I'm just proud of myself for getting over the hump. What seemed like nothing, was big for me. The past two years has certainly been a process. I've barely put myself out there and somehow have expected change.

I've chosen guys that were not good enough for me because they were safe. I could leave them when the reality of their inadequacy became something I couldn't ignore any longer. They never left me because I was the best they could do. What's there to be afraid of if I know I'm superior and in control? Well, I can't be happy that way either. It's time to be scared.