Pickle jar

July 16, 2008

I always manage to get myself into pickles. Pickles of all shapes and sizes. I basically live in a pickle jar. One might say I do this to myself or that I like it, thrive on it, whatever. I don't really know. I also don't really mind so maybe that translates to my liking it. I just don't like life to be boring. Is that so crazy? I think not.

The current pickle has me pulled in a number of directions. The Ex has recently proposed marriage. That's right, marriage. The big "I do." Ring an' all. Now, after two years, he is officially trying to get back with me, and hardcore this time. He tried a few months back and its debatable that he's tried even before that. Of course his timing is impeccable because I've finally become comfortable with him in my life as a friend and nothing more. But then there's that love...is it still there or has too much time gone by? I don't know. I'm ignoring that one. He deserves to be on the back burner. I've got issues with today's men. Oh, and another one from yesterday.

Ex number two will be arrested this week. John. Violating that peace order the fucker. I was nice as can be during the past month while he violated the order over and over with emails, letters, and hundreds of text messages. How could I get someone arrested who was crying about how depressed they were and how they wanted me back? It just seemed cruel. Until he went completely delusional on me and in his head manifested the story that I lied in court and deserve no peace order, he has appealed it, and I’ll be seeing him in court. Oh hell no. There is nothing I hate more than domestic violence court. Having only experienced it once, was more than enough in my lifetime. I could feel the white trash seeping into my pores. I'm not trying to pick any of that up. It's just not in my DNA. So here we are again, except this time he's caught himself a criminal charge. I feel badly, I do. But I know he's done this to himself. All he had to do was forget my number for six months. He couldn't do it. I need him to leave me alone. My foot is officially down.

Then there's the face off between the other two blond-haired, blue-eyed boys in my life, (seriously, what’s up with all these guys being blond-haired and blue-eyed?) Ken, 35. Jimmy, 22. Whaaat? Yeah, couldn't be more opposite. I'm seriously crushing on the 22-year-old. The 35-year-old is seriously crushing on me. Isn't that always how it goes down? Ken is probably the smartest option for me and I was definitely all about him at first. And he's freaking hot! I mean the guy has a great body and he's gorgeous. He wants to take me here, take me there, and spend all this time with me. He tells me all the things a girl wants to hear. And the boy knows his way around the hoo-ha if you know what I mean. There's nothing I love more than a guy who knows what's going on down there. Priceless. Mr. Ken has got it down pat. I mean, he should teach that shit he does down there. All of woman kind would benefit from the knowledge being spread. Problem? He wants me to be his freaking girlfriend. Brakes. That's about the point that yours truly starts to shut down, back up, and look for the exit. There is nothing worse than having the lets-just-be-together talk too soon. And he did it. Shot a torpedo right through our fabulous courtship. Immediate halt. Now the "baby" talk and "my girl" stuff is being thrown around in his attempt to throw out there that "I'm still his." Ugh, hate it.

Jimmy, oy vey. Hot boy. Everything about him says bad and oh so damn good. He couldn't be more wrong for me if he tried thus the basis of his appeal. Mmm, he's scrumptious. He's not good in bed. No, in that arena he's your typical 22-year-old guy. It's a shame. I feel like I could teach him if he were willing. Its a challenge, and once I'm presented with a challenge I rarely lose interest. Of course meeting him while I was still with John and hanging out with him during the gray period of our break up, didn't exactly give us the best jumping off point; nah, not at all. We started seeing each other immediately after John and I broke up. It was adorable. He was so excited that we were "talking." Presh. Then he got insanely jealous, but came right out with it. He doesn't try to hide it or cover it up with other issues (like Ken). It is what it is and he's vocal about it. Surprisingly mature (unlike the 35-year-old). But, it led to our demise. I play games. I'm used to guys falling head over heels right away and wanting me for them. Jimmy fell right in line with that. The only thing he didn't fall in line with is hanging around as I messed around in cutting the other guys off. He bounced! Totally peaced out on me. He couldn’t' do it, didn't want to deal with it, so he bailed and rightfully so.

During the weekend that Jimmy was expecting me to "get my priorities in order" and "figure out what I wanted" I met Ken. Meeting Ken during THIS gray period distracted me for a bit, all the while confirming Jimmy's decision that I was nothing but a lying little player. I wanted Jimmy to be nothing anyway so I was happy for the distraction of Ken. I felt like he was what I "should" be interested in. Yet slowly but surely Jimmy crept back into my head. Now I can't get the fucker out and now that Ken is being so lame and disappointing, I really want Jimmy back.

So I've been working overtime to try to get back in good with him. Well, maybe not overtime but the fact that I’m working at all is out of character for me. I'm doing it though. It seems to be working too! I love every little moment that I feel like he's giving in. Like yesterday when he was working downtown and stopped at my work. Just stood outside my building and called and asked me to come down. We just hung out for about a half hour. It was adorable. I love how he starts to call me before and after his games to let me know how his teams did. I love when he calls me on the way to work and on the way home. I love it all. There are some things I'm missing still. And I'm not completely sure that he wants me for anything other than sex yet, but I have an inkling that it may be more than that. He's definitely making me pay a little. Reveling in it all just a little even. But I think he likes me the way I like him. He's definitely extremely cautious when it comes to me. There's a huge wall. I feel it almost all the time. There are brief (and I mean brief, as in mere seconds) that it comes down and he'll say a couple true things. All of that just adds to his appeal to me. I find it challenging and intriguing. If it comes too easy I lose interest. Even when HE came too easy I lost interest! But here I am, trying to set the pride aside for someone that I can't get out of my head, and I'm ashamed to say, my dreams sometimes too. Yes, its that bad. An adult crush at its absolute worst.