August 14, 2008

The beginning

I started all of this writing after a long relationship ended badly (as if there's any other way for a relationship to end). We met when we were 20. Being young and foolish we fell head over heels in love. I don't regret that part, it was fabulous. Somewhere along the line things changed, he changed, I changed, we changed, whatever and at 25 (just 3 months before my 26th birthday, it ended). It ended way before that probably, but that was when I gained the strength to pack my things and a hope for our future and move out. We had been living together for 2 years.

I went from living with my parents to living with him and needless to say I was naive and sheltered. I had never lived alone and had no idea what I was doing. But I had to get out. So I did what I had to do and started to do a lot of writing....

November 26,2007

It has now been three months and ten days since I have been on my absolute own. Well, to be exact, I guess it hasn’t been quite that long but that’s how long its’ been since I signed my lovely lease to my one-bedroom apartment encompassing just my shar-pei, my crazy cat, and myself. I have made my third attempt at cutting off all communication with the ex and this time I think it’s going to stick. However, I had also thought the other two attempts would have. I was wrong. I'm sure you're thinking it's me turning back on my decision but that is not at all the case. It’s simply me giving into his tireless attempts at contacting me. He just hasn’t been holding up his end of the bargain. The thing I hate most about it is that he’s perfectly comfortable and okay with talking to me and then just hanging up and going on with his life. I don’t have that ability. He sure knows how to widdle me down to finally giving into his umpteenth phone call. Though let me say that I am pretty damn proud of the fact that that’s all I've given into. Well, to be exact (yet again), I have given into more than that in the past three months and ten days but “more than that” has only happened twice.

I’ve had enough and I know now that I am done. I know what I need to do so now I just have to implement it. I can feel that I’m still weak. I can feel I’d still give in if I continued to communicate with him. All can do is hope that I was mean enough during our last phone call and really sounded convincing when I said I did not, by any means, want him to call or text me again. I don’t care that the holidays are right around the corner.

I’m pretty sure I haven’t felt the full intensity of the realization that the person I fell in love with and thought I’d spend the rest of my life with, let me go. Pushed me even. I think I’m feeling it in small doses. New layers are revealed continuously as I feel comfortable with the one before. Bring on the next! Some doses are larger than others. Feeling it all at once would certainly break me.

Everyone around me tells me how proud they are of me, my strength, and my newfound independence. Envy my freedom even. I’m proud though I’m not sure why I’m strong. I’m worried I’m not dealing the way that I should. I’m worried that subconsciously I’m suppressing feelings that are going to come out in other ways or worse, months from now. I’m scared. I am learning to be on my own and take care of myself building my life as an individual.

Luckily I have a career that is finally moving forward instead of standing still, good friends (even if most of them have boyfriends, for five years I did too). A dog and cat to keep me company, (sad I know but true), and the means to have a place of my very own to make a home. I even have John. Someone who wants to be with me and although I’m nowhere near ready, he’s someone I know. He is someone who I am comfortable with that I can spend time with and be friends with. Friends with benefits of course to keep me from sleeping with random guys to ease the pain and fill a void. Funny how the rolls have reversed for the two of us. Finally after ten years. I still can’t believe that I can now have the one guy I so badly wanted to hold onto for so long, yet I don’t want him. Talk about bad timing. But he's back in my life for a reason so maybe it's to help me through this.

Although all of this is new and liberating I can’t help but hope that it's not permanent. I cringe as I admit that, but it’s true. I’m okay with it now. I need it dare I say. I can’t help but think in the back of my mind that I am 26 and I don’t want to be here at 30. I’m an attractive girl, I won’t stay single for four years. Shit, I could be in another relationship right now if I wanted to. I don't want to. I don't know how long I'm not going to want to. The thing is, I’m not going to with just anyone anymore. I’m not even going to waste my time. I’ve wasted enough! But as I cringe at admitting I want this only temporarily, I also cringe at the thought of being in another relationship. Hopefully that will fade with time as well.

So since I feel this is a turning point in my life, one I’d like to look back on and remember, I will try to document it. Hopefully in a few years it will all be very different.

"I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me. I have accepted fear as a part of life--specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in my heart that says: turn back."
-Erica Jong

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