June 10, 2009


I'm not sure what's wrong with me, hell, I'm not sure if there is anything wrong with me. What I am sure of is the fact that I suck at relationships. If you can even call them that. Anything I'm involved in rarely makes it far enough to warrant the use of the label "relationship" because the second they start to resemble one I internally freak out and crawl into a hole until the other person, after much probing, is forced to retreat.

It wasn't always this way. I used to be that girl that was never single. Up until three years ago I was always in a relationship. Once upon a time I had to put in actual work to remain single and I never succeeded. Always I fell into another relationship.

OK, I've had "boyfriends" in the past three years, but they only acquired that label after I tired of fighting to apply it. I gave in. And even then those boyfriends were guys that came to me. That I just gave a shot because I felt like it was what I should've been doing. What the hell, why not, you know? People (and by people I mean friends, family, etc) would find comfort in the fact that I was moving on. I had someone. I wasn't just alone. I wasn't just stuck on him. On the ending of us. But the truth is, as much as I've dated and as many guys as I've been involved with, I've never been all in with any of them in the past three years. I've never been all about anyone. I haven't gotten excited about anyone. No one.

At times this upsets me because I feel like time is just flying by and I've been single for so long (though as I mentioned I haven't technically been single that long, but seriously, in my eyes I feel as though I have. I guess because the relationship I had three years ago lasted for five, we lived together, it was serious. I don't consider something a relationship unless it's serious). At times I worry I should be meeting people, be involved. At times I feel life is passing me by. At times I want to do all of those couple things.

The problem is, I have no interest in doing them with just anyone. I want to have high standards and high hopes from now on. No more settling for who happens to come to me.

Hence, the drought.

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