September 30, 2008
La dee da dee da
I'm covering my ears and singing to block out the sounds of judging. No judgment, (please)?
Guess I'll start with the portion of my tale that's the most judge worthy. Jump right into the meat of it. Let me just first start out by saying, (well second since first I'd like to ask you kindly not to judge), that I am happy with my decisions (for the most part) and do not feel dreadful. Funny how looking at something with a different attitude, a new perspective, can change the entire outcome.
I hung out with Jimmy last night and yes we hooked up. Yes, after I said I was done, finished, finito exactly one week ago today. (Insert judgment here).
I have to say that rather than feeling dreadful today I feel liberated. I'm officially and proudly over the crush. I no longer want anything from him nor do I feel disappointed or dissed by him. I have to assume I got over the crush after deciding not to talk to him and not to care anymore. It worked. I don't know how we humans do it, (I assume it happens for us all), but I love how I can will a feeling into eventual reality. Sometimes it takes longer than other times, but ultimately I reach the emotional state of being I've set out for.
It all began when I ran into him while I was walking my dog after work. He was throwing the football with his roommate. He immediately got that ear-to-ear, adorably childish grin on his face when he saw me, yelled my name and then ran up to me. I was on my cell phone with James trying to persuade him to come up to my neck of the woods to watch some Monday night football. Of course Jimmy proceeded to act like the child he is and yell loudly (so as to be sure the person on the other end of the line would hear him), to get off of the phone, who am I talking to, and is it a guy?? He even grabbed the phone at one point and talked to James for a bit. Oy. Thank goodness it wasn't The Ex.
I hadn't seen him in over 2 weeks. Feelings: nada besides simply sheer physical attraction and the fact that he was playing football, hot. Oh, and the realization that we were wearing the same exact jersey. Presh. Still, all in all good.
He called me a couple times after the walk. I talked to him for a bit. Nothing big. It's funny how he seems to think I cease to exist when he hasn't seen me for a while and then once he does see me he is immediately shocked and consumed with my existence and can't get enough. As if he honestly forgot about me.
I went to watch Monday night football with James and The Ex. The plan was to just go with James, but once The Ex got wind that James and I were going together he insisted on tagging along. James was literally walking out the door when The Ex called him on his way home from work and insisted on coming along. James had to wait for him to shower, change, the whole deal. I don't mind that he comes but it changes the dynamic a wee bit. He still just doesn't seem comfortable with the two of us hanging out alone. Oh well. Such is life.
While I was out I got a few texts from Jimmy asking if we could hang out. Begging really. Outwardly begging. I knew what it was all about. The old feelings of "I shouldn't" were present, but something new was also. I wanted to. And I wanted to not for the same reasons that I used to want to. I wanted to because I felt totally in control. I'm not that pansy, what if this, what if that girl anymore when it comes to him. Yes, I still find him attractive (I didn't have a lobotomy), but I'm not searching for more than satisfying that physical attraction. I'm single. He's single. Part of me did want to show off my new improved self.
The Ex dropped me off (this is sorta why I say I don't feel badly "for the most part." It's The Exes involvement in the scenario, which there is more of that I will get to later on). So The Ex dropped me off and after a quick freshen up I went to see Jimmy. During the freshen up The Ex called (I think to see if I'd answer...curious as to whether I'd be involved in a late-night visit). He wanted to say good night and let me know he was almost home. Nice.
Shortly after hanging up with The Ex I headed for Jimmy's. Hanging out with him was fun. We talked, we laughed, etc. ETC. Lets just call it as it is, ya know? I had fun joking around with him and being the girl that is in control instead of the girl that wanted more. I talked to him about The Ex and he offered advice. He threw in the appropriate jealous annoyed comments, but also said I can't hold back and should just give him a chance. I didn't want to spend the night because, duh, I'll sleep better in my own bed and a girls' gotta work in the morning! HE seemed to be the girl that wanted more and I was eating it up. Isn't that how human nature works? We want what we can't have. As soon as we have it we don't want it anymore, but take it away, and by god we wanted that! Oh the tables, how they turn and there's nothing I like more than when they are a turnin' in my favor.
The truth is, it felt like we were friends and I like that feeling so much better than the previous feelings of the Jimmy and I saga. What this was, was the ultimate summer fling. Inappropriate, hot, and utterly convenient, lasting from May until September. Who could ask for more? And that's just it, no one should have ever asked for more. Yet that's just what I did; went ahead and killed it with the illusion of wanting more. Let me be straight with myself and say that I knew from the beginning I didn't want anything serious with him. I just got a little side-tracked. I blame the sex haze, which then caused my ego to be bruised and then I might as well have been Alice falling down the hole to Wonderland constantly seeking my ego to be repaired by him. Stepping back from him and alleviating the idea (or more like coming to my senses) that it couldn't and shouldn't be something more, allowed me to see it for how it is, how it was, and of course, how it should be. (Shout out to Salt 'N' Pepa for that one, didja catch it)?
Bottom line is there's a reason I crushed on him on the first place and it's because without all the pressure he is a funny, adorable, entertaining guy and definitely someone I can be friends with. Potential boyfriend material? Not so much. No news there. So I'm back and I'm walking on solid ground. Last night felt like closure and there's nothing this girl likes more than closure followed by some redemption, and topped with friendship so my relationships do not feel trashy and pointless. Make no mistake, no judgment coming from this direction for those relationships that don't.
Funny though, in a sort of sad way he asked if that would be the last time we would be together like that. I told him I didn't know, duh. And he asked that I let him know if I'm getting back with The Ex so we can be together one more time. He wants to know when it's going to be the last time. I'm not sure how to take that, but I feel like it's a little bit sort of, maybe in the realm of sweet. He told me he's probably moving. I'm thinking that will bring a close to our final chapter. We see each other now mostly in passing, coincidences and if it's planned then it's last minute and I only agree because of how close he really is. This is a shame considering I feel like I've just now discovered how to enjoy him in a new way, a way I could probably enjoy worry free indefinitely.
As a joke, because he gave me such a hard time for not calling or answering his calls after our last escapade, I sent him a text this afternoon that simply said, "So I'm texting you so you can't say you didn't hear from me the next day like you said last time ;)" He immediately called me. I mean a second later. So quickly that I thought possibly it was an incredible coincidence, but no, he had received the text and was calling. Calling because he wanted to know why I cared considering I had admitted last night that "it was just sex." I told him I had been kidding last night (though I wasn't), and he went on to tell me to stop lying and just be for real with him. He seemed serious so I settled with, how about we don't label it. He liked that. We chatted a bit. Nonsense really. I ended the convo so as to avoid wanting more. Perfect, and I still feel wonderful about the entire situation. It's obvious by my blogs that I was consumed with analyzing that situation and I'm happy to finally put it to rest.
So moving on to why I feel content with last night's decision but only, "for the most part." The part I don't feel good about is the proximity of its' timing to certain other events. Once again I'm going to ask for the ceasing of judgment at this point.
(I'm gonna ease into this one)
So I mentioned that I've been spending a bit of time with The Ex and by what I've said already I think it's clear that this little tidbit remains true. On Saturday I allowed him to come up to my parent's place with me for their end of summer shindig, as friends. I made it clear to all that we are just friends. What did my mother do when she saw him? Cried. Yup, she freakin' cried. She would not stop hugging him and was actually crying real tears. Get it together, Mom! Jeez, we're playing it cool and she was totally not helping. It was only a matter of time before my Dad had him out in the garage and they were discussing tools and work. I barely saw him the entire time we were there. They really had missed him, it was evident in how they talked his ear off all night.
We got back to my place around 11ish and I let him spend the night because the spending of the night was because of sheer exhaustion and not in the hopes of getting busy. He was so exhausted that he literally fell asleep on my couch mere minutes after our arrival. When I was ready I woke him and let him know I was going into bed and he could stay or join. Of course he joined. There was cuddling, but no funny business. Whelp, not until morning. Yea I went ahead and complicated the situation by having sex with The Ex. Damn it.
So if you're thinking backward in your head, doing the elementary math required, you'll see that Sunday morning I slept with The Ex, and Monday night I slept with Jimmy. Yup, call me what I am, a hoe. (Insert MORE judgment here).
Top that with I hung out with The Ex Monday night beforehand and allowed him to buy me dinner and drinks and then upon his dropping me off I skirted over to my new boy toy's and wow, there is no argument involved with the idea that I am a freakin' hoe.
And let me just back up a second. Actions that are starting to make me nervous when it comes to The Ex which I have no doubt stem from the complicating of things: while I'm on my cell phone Monday night, clearly texting, he tries to look over my shoulder and see who I'm texting/what I'm texting. This went on the entire night. At one point he literally stole my phone from me and proceeded to text back my friend Ryan with "Ur a fag." Thank god it had been Ryan I was texting back at the ime and not Jimmy. After he texted that he definitely tried to look through it more as I chased him around the pool table. I have no doubt that Jimmy was who he was looking for. That is the target he was most certainly wanted to hit. Times like that I am so thankful for my Palm Centro Smartphone that is so deliciously complicated that no one knows how to operate it. It wasn't the first time a guy's snooping had been blocked simply because he couldn't figure out how to work it. When I finally got my phone back and yelled at him then went outside with James, he rolled his eyes at me. I could tell he was annoyed that I cared that he had taken my phone. He wanted me to not give a shit about any other guys and any drama he may cause between us. Sorry but, you're not there. Throughout the night he continued to try to sneak my phone out of my purse. Calling me shortly after he dropped me off also worries me. He disguised it as saying good night, but I know he was checking on me. He didn't ask anything, but he didn't have to.
I justify my actions by thinking of it as security. Maybe the blow that will occur after The Ex effs up will be less of a tremor if I'm having a little fun on the side. If I have my own secrets, it won't be so hard to deal with the possibility that some of his may eventually come out should there be any. And by gosh, that boy hurt me badly. He owes me. What goes around comes around. (Got anymore cliches that work in my benefit)?
Technically, I'm single and not doing anything wrong. Immediately after the act I warned The Ex that I had wanted to avoid doing that because it complicates things. Okay, maybe it was a statement at the time but it turned into a warning when I went ahead and complicated them. He brushed my warning off by saying that this is us we're talking about, things won't get complicated. Problem is, the me that was involved in the us he's referring to no longer exists. He just hasn't realized that yet.