September 18, 2008

Who knows? Not I.

I don't even know where to start so I'm just going to start.

Ken and I got together as "friends" last week. Drinks and appetizers after work. Long story short, the conclusion is that we cannot be just friends. Too many times he told me he misses me (even though I was sitting directly across from him). Too many times he talked about us; what went wrong, what he wishes, oh how sad. We did have a good time together as we always have had. Drinking margaritas and martinis and laughing. Things are just easy and comfortable between us. It's the oddest thing. I am incapable of being seriously into him even though he is seriously into me, yet I find him ridiculously attractive. When I'm around him I like him but as soon as he leaves my vision I have forgotten him. Be it that I'm afraid or just not that into him, I have no idea. One of the worlds' many unsolved mysteries. There are certainly more important ones, so moving on.

The night ended with us kissing, yet another sign that we will not be "just friends." I'm too attracted to him not to allow him to kiss me. I can see us going out on a weekend night and my allowing him to have sex with me. In no way am I in need of a fuck buddy.

This week I received texts from him saying he can't stop thinking about me and he misses the fun we had. Feeling not mutual. Damn it, sometimes I wish it were.

So here's the doozy, I've been spending a bit of time with The Ex. Yup, The Ex. Friday night he actually opened up to me and by opening up I mean in the largest way. He tore down the wall and poured out everything inside. I don't know where it came from or why. It was incredibly random. We were out for a bit and the second we got into the car the flood gates opened. I dated him for five years. I've been with him through the loss of loved ones, parent's surgeries and scares, and never have I seen him cry. We've been broken up for two years and never tears. Something happened to him and the tears just wouldn't stop. It is indescribable even now to say what it felt like to see this person I've known for 7 years, lived with, known inside and out, act in a way I never had before. His tears made me cry so we proceeded to cry together like a couple of fools. I offered no words. But told him it was okay as he apologized profusely for everything that ever happened. He kept telling me that it wasn't okay and to stop saying it was.

I've been quite when it comes to voicing my feelings and/or opinions to him about him, us and the future possible potential for an us. He wants to get back together. I'm the love of his life. He's asked that I just think about it, so I guess I am. I went to a football game with him on Sunday and we had a blast as well. No funny business, no talking of us unless it comes from him. My wall is still firmly in place and will remain that way for a while I assume. I'm not sure what I'm doing. I guess I'm just allowing time to be the ultimate decision maker. If he's going to fuck up then it will only take time.

People tell me I should just give him another chance, if I love him it's worth it, I can't hold back, blah, blah, blah. I can't listen to that psycho babble. This is my heart we're talking about and I'm not ready to put it back on the table for him to possibly crush again. This is dangerous waters we're dealing with. I know what it felt like to be broken by him. I know how long it took me to breathe normally and not feel socially retarded in public. No one else can know that but me. I don't feel like I'm the one who needs to do anything. So I'm not. Period.

Jimmy has been calling quite a bit; because I'm showing no interest of course. He called and bitched me out for coming over there, sleeping with him, leaving when I said I'd stay, and then not talking to him after, "as if sex is all it was to me." I explained that I was just following his lead. He so confuses me. He says I play games and he's afraid to seriously date me because he is afraid I will hurt him. I think that sounds like an excuse. Still, I think of him. I haven't seen him since that last night and I don't plan to, but I can't deny that I think of him. I even miss him.

For now, it's Friday and almost the weekend. Plans for tonight are simply walking to a little happy hour at a bar my guy friend Ryan works at with a couple friends from work. James is meeting us over there. I'll probably only stay for an hour or two so I can get home to my boys. I've been holding onto a Netflix movie for far too long, Smart People, so I plan on viewing that while lying in bed. Tomorrow my parents are having a little end of summer shindig. And Sunday, whelp, who knows!

Have a fab weekend friends!

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