September 4, 2008

Be free to be afraid

I am happy to report that I had a successful first date last night. I met the guy a couple Saturday's ago at a hot spot downtown. We talked a bit, we know some of the same people, he lives and works in DC (not too far), but is in town often to visit friends.

He was in town yesterday, his birthday, to have dinner with his family. He asked if I'd like to meet for a drink after. I rarely go out on a school night, but I work in the city, coincidentally, in the building next door to where he and his fam were having dinner. So I figured why the hell not. Not to mention, I've gotta loosen up a bit. If I want change then I have to change the way I act and react. So I said yes. We decided we'd work out the details yesterday afternoon.

So on schedule I got a text from him saying he expected to be finished with dinner around 9:30ish, would that be okay? Then immediately, my cell phone died. Fab.

That's a wee bit late for me to make the trip back into the city (I love about 20 minutes north). I wasn't too keen on driving home from the city then back down hours later, only to make the trip again in the morning. I made up my mind while still at work that we'd reschedule but I'd have to wait until I got home to do so. My co-worker informed me that I'd have to call because otherwise it just sounded like an excuse. "Sorry it took a while for me to respond, my phone died right when I got your text, and oh, by the way, tonight's not going to work after all. Too late for me." Well I wasn't ready for voice-on-voice. I'm such a scaredy cat. Plus, he was having dinner with his not trying to interrupt that. So although I told her, of course I'll call, I texted. A whole hour later canceling, but I'd like to do it another time. He wrote write back.

He said he understood, thought I lived closer and well, didn't mind coming coming to get me (an extra 20 minutes north out of his way for heading home), and grabbing a drink close by. Wow, impressive.

I thought on the idea for a minute. I was all set to cancel and do nothing. Once I get in that state of mind it's hard to get out. Another one of my stupid qualities I need to change. But then, the fear crept him. Having him come to my place? Ugh, I'm such a wierdo when it comes to that stuff. I get all uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing for a bit. I grabbed the leash and took the dog for a walk.

I wracked my brain. If I say no it would require me to come up with a lame excuse, i.e. lie. I'd be mad at myself later for still effing with the immature, selfish guys in my life with no one to blame but myself for the lack of new. I'd do nothing but read and watch bad TV if I stayed in. Why do I put myself through so much mental turmoil over such trivial things? Woudn't normal people just say, okay, sounds good! I'm a mess.

So when I got back to my apartment I texted him saying that sounded good (in my most normal text voice). I was not normal on the inside.

He called me from the restaurant just before dessert and we had a good little convo. Laughing is always good. It was presh. I texted him my address and just 20 minutes later he let me know he was on his way. So far he was doing it all right.

He arrived and we headed to a local martini bar. We stayed for a few hours and talked a lot. It was good, it was nice. We'll see how it goes.

I'm just proud of myself for getting over the hump. What seemed like nothing, was big for me. The past two years has certainly been a process. I've barely put myself out there and somehow have expected change.

I've chosen guys that were not good enough for me because they were safe. I could leave them when the reality of their inadequacy became something I couldn't ignore any longer. They never left me because I was the best they could do. What's there to be afraid of if I know I'm superior and in control? Well, I can't be happy that way either. It's time to be scared.

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