January 4, 2009
Why does it seem that everyone in my life, outside of my family members, manage to disappoint me at some point? I don't mean small disappointments like, bailing on a night out on the town, I mean, the realization that a friend is not the friend I once thought they were. I'm not swearing perfection here, exactly the opposite in fact. I'm terribly worried that it's me--me being the common denominator in this plaguing fact and all.
I've always gotten along better with guys as friends than with girls. Guys are so uncomplicated. You really do not have to worry about them judging you or talking behind your back. They're blunt. Everything is just out there. I operate that same exact way. I put it out there. I can't conceal a feeling if I tried. It hurts to try. I'm painfully honest with my friends. Sometimes I think they can't handle it.
My girlfriend relationships have always been a roller coaster. I have one solid friend that I've been friends with forever, but I swear the only reason why is because she's engaged and we live separate lives. The friends I spend time with day to day seem to change. It's as if I can only handle being "best" friends with one person at a time, but that friendship doesn't sustain. We drift and I don't know why. What is it I'm doing wrong?
Most recently, the latest drift has been plaguing me more than any other of the past. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and friendships aren't as easy to find. Not like you can chat up someone in the hallway or during a class. Those days are most certainly over (and they ain't making a comeback either). Yes, this may be true but mostly it's because I thought I had finally found a friendship I'd always wanted. Something rare. But it somehow slipped between my fingers. We're still friends, but it's not the same. We're more like acquaintances. We used to talk everyday, knew everything going on in one another0s' lives, and now I feel like a stranger. I'm not sure why the change happened. She doesn't seem to care. Which makes me think it must be me.
The worst part it is, I've felt this way in general for quite a while--this blaming of myself for dwindling friendships. I had never told anyone. Ever. Frankly, it's embarrassing. But, I told her. I told her how I feared it was me. I confided in her this embarrassing fact because I thought she'd always be there. I knew she'd be honest with me. She told me there was no way it was me.
I've tried to talk to her about this feeling quite a bit in the past 6 months but I've gotten no straight answer to speak of, and still nothing has changed. First, she came to me and said it was a birth control she was on that she found had side effects that put her in a nasty slump. She apologized. She blamed herself entirely. She said all of her relationships had suffered. She got off the birth control. That was in June. Since then she has always said she's so busy with work and freelance work. So busy. No time for friends. None. (All of this without my asking anything. I've given up making attempts). But I see she makes time for other friends somehow. I see it in hte updates on her facebook for Christ's sake. Honestly, I feel like she's been trying to break up with me but just keeps beating around the bush. It's hurtful. I wish I knew why.
Sometimes I think I'm too trusting of people. Too open. It makes me want to hole up and not trust anyone because inevitably, they'll let me down. I'm going to try to fight this feeling because I know it leads no where good. I'm going to try to just be carefree and act as if I'm not bothered. But it's hard work to suppress feelings of hurt.