First and foremost, thank you to all who commented or emailed me about my previous post.
With that said, following my post I immediately started bickering with the boy. Fighting. Not realizing at the time why. After bickering with him Friday night so much so, that I told him I didn’t want to move anything at all I just wanted to chill at my place alone, I realized I was fighting with him out of fear. The fighting was making me more afraid. “I” being the common denominator in all of this. I am doing it all to myself and to him and I. I can’t continue to sabotage us or there will be no more us.
I went over there Saturday unannounced. I used my key. He was in the shower. I went in the bathroom and sat on the edge of the garden tub. I poured it all out. I told him what I was doing and why. How I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was sorry. He sat down in the shower and listened. He let me finish. Then he told me it would work. We will make it work. It’ll be hard at times. It’ll be bad sometimes. But he wants the bad with the good. He wants it all. And so do I. The second I started to cry he came out of the shower soaking wet, picked me up and hugged me. I was fully dressed and couldn’t have cared less. Then we made up.
I must say, time and time again I underestimate him. I forget that with him I don’t have to keep all of my feelings and fears inside. I don’t have to fight with him in order to give myself space to figure things out. I can tell him I want some “me” time and he’lll say “OK.” I can talk to him about what is on my mind and he will listen. More than listen he will help. He will make the fear go away. It is going to take me a while to get used to how easy this can be if I just open up instead of trying to face it all on my own. It’s not my nature to look to anyone for reassurance or help. But I’m learning…