Trust

April 6, 2008

I have trust issues. Wait, let me be more specific, I have trust issues with men. I believe it hasn’t always been this way, (even though it seems that as long as I have been dating it has been there). Still, I can remember the day the seed was planted. First let me say that I am naturally an incredibly trusting person and have a very resilient character. But, I will never forget the moment and how I felt in the moment that I found out that my boyfriend of 2 years had cheated on me and many people had seen him parading around with hickies on his neck that did not come from yours truly. I remember crying into my pillow and feeling completely and utterly alone and betrayed. I would have never in my wildest dreams thought he would have done that to me. But he did. He was undeserving of my trust. At 18-years-old it was the first time I’d been crushed that way. When I was unsuspecting, the unexpected happened. All in all, bad experience. The next guy wound up doing much of the same but to the nth degree considering it was 5 years together, we lived together, and it wasn’t until after that I realized how blind I had been. I believe all of these events (and I’m leaving out much of the gory details), contribute to my trust issues with men. Definitely not something that was inflicted upon me during childhood…these are from my personal fabulous choices and lack of better judgment. I once read a quote that said, "Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment." Sounds like vicious cycle if I've ever heard one.

So, here I am having serious trust issues with my new boyfriend. It’s hitting me now how serious these issues that I have are, now that we’re involved and I care. I do not, cannot, experience that feeling of betrayal and hurt all over again. I can’t. I refuse to let myself be blind to reality yet again. I vow to keep my eyes open. I’d like to think I’ve learned something. But how do I know if I’m acting smart as if I’ve learned something or if I’m being unfair to him because of another man’s mistakes? Is it my intuition telling me that I should keep my guard up and that I cannot trust him and therefore I should listen, or is it paranoia? I can’t tell. My eyes are open but my vision is blurry. I’m scared, terrified, angry, frustrated and altogether, technically, unhappy. Am I inflicting this unhappiness on myself? It seems as if I seriously am more content when I am alone and no one can hurt me. Well, not alone. I like to have someone there but someone there that I don’t care enough about that he can hurt me. All the while I long for someone that I can really care about. Once I get the person I really care about I turn into this terrified mush of paranoia and I can’t tell if I am sabotaging my own happiness. Do I not allow myself to be happy? Just go with the flow? Is that what I should do? I’m afraid that if I do that then all of these things will be happening that I’m not aware of because I’m just coasting along thinking thinks are a-ok. Guess that comes around full circle to the fact that I’ve got some serious trust issues. I’m not sure what I need to make them go away. I’m not sure if the feelings I have are warranted. I wish I could tell. I wish I knew.