I keep my promises

Ah yes, elaborate I shall. It can probably go without saying that the fireman did in fact show last night.

Fast forward fact: I know there's chemistry when I get in my car and I have to shriek. Not scream, just a high pitched shriek. It took all I had to wait till I got outta that parking lot to shriek behind the wheel. Then I smiled to myself a bit. I was still smiling a little even by the time I walked into my apartment. (Go ahead, throw up in your mouth a little. I know you want to. Sorry).

So anyway, as odd as the whole concept was, it held my interest, kept me intrigued, and in hindsight I recognize it's probably just what this girl needed (to feel all that oddness). I am a strange creature at times--especially on the heels of my hibernation where I'd tell even some of my closest friends I'd do something with them and then bail. I couldn't really bail on this. More importantly, I never felt the desire to. Instead of texting with him and talking about plans, it was sort of a game. Texting as a form of dating really gets on my nerves. It feels like such a cop-out. Minimal effort for maximum results. Yes, time spent with me is considered maximum, my friends. You as well ladies (and fellas).

Now let me just add that if the fireman wasn't a friend of a friends boyfriend, I would not have participated. My closest friend vouched for him so it was OK. If I'd gone missing, people would know who to look for. This girl does not recommend doing this sort of thing with a perfect stranger. At least not without some pepper spray on-hand.

Still, I was anxious as shit. It didn't help that while facebook chatting with my old college friend Nick, just hours before date time, he planted a seed that my wandering mind watered like hell. He expressed his unsettling thoughts: maybe the guys' married or living with someone and that's why he "didn't want to talk all day." Thanks a bunch, man. Sheesh. I usually go through a small fit of paranoia right before a first date so I briefly entertained that thought as a genuine possibility. It was vetoed by my friend while on speaker phone as I did my make up, which is always my prime freak-out time. I think it's because once I've carefully applied a full face of fresh make-up there's no turning back. I'm going out that door.

So I rolled up at about five minutes till 7:30. I sat in my car for a bit. What if he was there and saw me pull up? I frantically searched passenger seats of the cars in the parking lot, careful to not be too obvious. What if he saw me looking for him? I saw no one. Suddenly the thought of him watching me walk to the door freaked me out. I didn't want to get there first so I sat there for a bit. I'd watch him walk in and then I'd follow. Yeah, I'll just stroll in a couple minutes after. But then the horror of the thought that he watched me pull up, saw me look around and then saw me sit and wait in my car for a while overcame all other worries and I just got out and headed for the door.

I walked into the bar. Of course the playoff game was still on so the bar was packed. With guys. Everyone turned to see me walk in. Alone. Shit. (I understand people may do this all the time but lil' ole me was like a fish outta water). I figured I'd walk around the bar, swoop the scene and then hit the bathroom which was conveniently located on the other end of the bar and around the corner. If I don't see him on my way out, I'll bounce. I saw him no where. Fuck. What the hell was I doing?? I officially walked the entire length of the bar. No fireman to be found. I turned the corner and there he was, sitting all alone on a bench by the other door. The door to the restaurant. Not the bar. He immediately jumped up, walked over to me and gave me a hug. Shew. bomb dodged. Ego in tact.

He said he couldn't remember if he had said 7 or 7:30 so he'd been there since 6:45 just in case. That warmed my heart a little bit. I told him he could've just called or texted me, but oh, wait, that's right there was a rule against that. :) I definitely probed his reasoning behind the concept. He laughed, said it felt like a really good idea last night. I told him it was memorable, if nothing else. And that it was.

So we opted to grab a cozy booth in the bar portion of the restaurant. More casual which I prefer for a first date. We had a couple drinks, some food, and a lot of easy, fun talking. He was all smiles. As was I. Nothing short of adorable. I liked him more that night than I did the entire day before. He was great. A real great guy. I know it's great when we're constantly smiling at each other. (OK I just said great in one paragraph more than I have on the rest of this entire blog). There was definitely some consistent cheesing going on in that booth. And I'm not talking about the loaded cheese fries we devoured. Though they were equally fabulous.

It wasn't a late night. We left by 9:30 at the latest. We both had work in the morning, him much earlier than I. He walked me to my car, a hug, and small peck on the cheek and we said our goodbyes.

The date didn't end without him asking me out again. But, (always a but) he asked me to go to a small, very low-key wedding on Saturday. It's brief, noon to 3ish and apparently no big deal if I attend or not. My initial reaction is it is too soon for something like that. Combine that with the fact that I have a hair appointment at 9:45am and then a birthday party in the city at 7 and I just don't think it would work. I told him I thought it might be cutting it a little close, but I'd let him know. The problem is I don't want him to think that I'm turning him down because I don't want to see him again. I definitely do. I haven't heard from him yet, which is absolutely fine. In fact, he had to work a 24-hour shift starting at 7am so technically he's still working. I think I'm just going to let him down easy, but let him know I'd like to see him another time that would work better. A girl should never be too available anyway, right? Right.

I talked to my friend after the date. Told her it was awesome. She says it's good to hear friends go on successful first dates, gives us hope that they're still out there and possible. Even if nothing comes from it. That high from a good first date is fabulous. She said the fireman called his friend (our other friend's boyfriend) after our date and said I was a 10 out of 10. Presh.

So it's possible there may be more of this fireman to come. I just can't get enough of calling him a fireman. Mmm, hot.

First date = Awesome

I'll elaborate later. But just know, it is still possible to have an amazing first date. (I was beginning to lose hope).

Point of no return

July 11, 2008

It's probably because I have issues with getting close to someone. That has to be it. I am only open to a certain point. I can pretend for a short period of time but once it comes down to it, I clam up. I flake. I'm bluffing the entire time. I don't do it intentionally. I swear. But try too hard to see me, be with; talk to me, or even talk about being with me, and the fear is instantly magnified. I've learned it's hard to come back from that point once it's been reached. Ultimately the point of no return will be reached and it's just a matter of time before it is. I like it take a while to get there, but often I'm in the minority in my relationships when it comes to that issue. Nothing good comes from the "lets slow it down" talk. Nothing. I thought girls were the ones who were supposed to want these relationship things.

That's why I love beginnings. I don't have to worry about any of that messy stuff yet. I can be as charming and fun as I want to be. I can be anything and anyone that I want for a period of time. I like getting them hooked. I enjoy it. Shit, I expect them to. If they don't, I'm offended and damn it, I take it personally. As soon as they are though, I'm turned off. The second they want/expect things like time from me I can't find the door quick enough. Talking of my lack of priorities instantly triggers my planning of an exit strategy that could somehow still keep our relationship on good terms. The beginning only lasts for so long and there's no universal length for that term. It's definitely shorter with some people, case and point, Ken. I especially hate when that happens. I love to stretch the beginning out for as long as I can so as to avoid reaching the messy, difficult part where things start to get real. Why else would I have issues with bringing/letting guys come to my place? It’s the closeness of it. Allowing them to enter my world. Was I always this way or is it because of The Ex? It's hard to tell really since before The Ex I was only 20 and didn't date in the "real world." I dated in high school before him. I lived at home before him. Things are different when you're out on your own and an adult. So, maybe this is how I'd be regardless of the fact that my heart was broken.

Either way, take me to the seriousness too soon and I'll be sure to push you away. All the while acting like I want to hold on because I'm always afraid to let go because God forbid I could be giving up something that could potentially be good once I am in fact ready for something good. What happened to dating? Courting? Hello? Can't we just date for a while and have fun without settling down and spending every weekend night possibly week night together cooking out and cuddling on the couch watching movies? So what if I want to dress up and go out with you. So what if I want you to wine and dine me for a bit.

I act like these are things that I want when they are unattainable. The second there's a chance I could get "what I want," I find things wrong with it. I find reasons why it will not, cannot, work and why I have to begin to make my exit. I'd much rather be in the midst of disaster, heartache. Let me nestle with it longer. Can I stay in the pickle a bit longer, please? I'm not ready to be happy with a guy. I'm just not. So there in begins the conversations of how they don't see me enough, they're not a priority; I need to open up, what's going on in my head, why did I change? Ugh freaking UGH. And why does it always happen so quickly for me when there are plenty of girls out there who actually want all of that behavior? Give it to the girl who wants it guys!

Of course, simultaneously, here I am shamelessly hooked on a guy who isn't the way described above at all. This could be the basis of his appeal to me but I've given up on trying to find justification for the feelings that I feel for him. They are just there and they're not going anywhere anytime soon. I'm dealing with it. I am dealing with the fact that everything makes me think of him no matter where I am, whom I'm with, or what I'm doing. He affects my mood. It's been a long time since a guy has been able to affect my mood and that guy had been my boyfriend for years. This guy hasn't been or done anything significant for me. Yet I have this amazing crush on him. I refuse to describe it as anything more than a silly crush that I just cannot seem to shake. I freaking dream about him. I hate it. I do all the things I wouldn't normally do because I can't help it. There is absolutely no reason for this behavior! No justification. I can't think of one thing about him that makes me want him so much. Why is he so appealing to me? It drives me completely insane. He's seemingly unattainable. I could've had him at one point and I fucked it up. Its reminiscent of how I felt for John when we were younger. How I just wanted to keep him still for a while. Just the thought of being able to keep him for a little while appealed to me so much but at the same time seemed so impossible. He never gives me enough. I always want more. I wish I knew all of this back when he was all about me. When he called me his girl my only response was, I'm not your girl. I wish I could take that back. I wish I knew then that I should've cut off all of the stupid, silly guys that were texting me. I wish I could've done it then and been able to try being with him. Back when he cared. When he got upset and told me that he did. Back when he would call me baby and all he wanted was for me to stay with him. He'd beg me to just spend the night with him. He'd ask me over and over if we were together just because he couldn't believe it. I wish I could have those days and nights back. I was so cocky with it. He was just another guy who fell too hard and too fast that I had to quickly shake.

Now the real question is if I did have him back this way, would I push him away again like I did with him and like i do with all of the others? Do I only think I want all of that back because I don't have it? Hmm...I wonder.

All I know is that I'm fucked up.

"Right now, in this moment, we have love. It will leave, and it will come again, and when it does I'll give up everything and take it. Just like an addict. Like dry grass in new rain. It's not something I'm proud of, necessarily. Then again, maybe I am. That's it, I guess. That's all I know."

-Katie Crouch

The beginning

I started all of this writing after a long relationship ended badly (as if there's any other way for a relationship to end). We met when we were 20. Being young and foolish we fell head over heels in love. I don't regret that part, it was fabulous. Somewhere along the line things changed, he changed, I changed, we changed, whatever and at 25 (just 3 months before my 26th birthday, it ended). It ended way before that probably, but that was when I gained the strength to pack my things and a hope for our future and move out. We had been living together for 2 years.

I went from living with my parents to living with him and needless to say I was naive and sheltered. I had never lived alone and had no idea what I was doing. But I had to get out. So I did what I had to do and started to do a lot of writing....

November 26,2007

It has now been three months and ten days since I have been on my absolute own. Well, to be exact, I guess it hasn’t been quite that long but that’s how long its’ been since I signed my lovely lease to my one-bedroom apartment encompassing just my shar-pei, my crazy cat, and myself. I have made my third attempt at cutting off all communication with the ex and this time I think it’s going to stick. However, I had also thought the other two attempts would have. I was wrong. I'm sure you're thinking it's me turning back on my decision but that is not at all the case. It’s simply me giving into his tireless attempts at contacting me. He just hasn’t been holding up his end of the bargain. The thing I hate most about it is that he’s perfectly comfortable and okay with talking to me and then just hanging up and going on with his life. I don’t have that ability. He sure knows how to widdle me down to finally giving into his umpteenth phone call. Though let me say that I am pretty damn proud of the fact that that’s all I've given into. Well, to be exact (yet again), I have given into more than that in the past three months and ten days but “more than that” has only happened twice.

I’ve had enough and I know now that I am done. I know what I need to do so now I just have to implement it. I can feel that I’m still weak. I can feel I’d still give in if I continued to communicate with him. All can do is hope that I was mean enough during our last phone call and really sounded convincing when I said I did not, by any means, want him to call or text me again. I don’t care that the holidays are right around the corner.

I’m pretty sure I haven’t felt the full intensity of the realization that the person I fell in love with and thought I’d spend the rest of my life with, let me go. Pushed me even. I think I’m feeling it in small doses. New layers are revealed continuously as I feel comfortable with the one before. Bring on the next! Some doses are larger than others. Feeling it all at once would certainly break me.

Everyone around me tells me how proud they are of me, my strength, and my newfound independence. Envy my freedom even. I’m proud though I’m not sure why I’m strong. I’m worried I’m not dealing the way that I should. I’m worried that subconsciously I’m suppressing feelings that are going to come out in other ways or worse, months from now. I’m scared. I am learning to be on my own and take care of myself building my life as an individual.

Luckily I have a career that is finally moving forward instead of standing still, good friends (even if most of them have boyfriends, for five years I did too). A dog and cat to keep me company, (sad I know but true), and the means to have a place of my very own to make a home. I even have John. Someone who wants to be with me and although I’m nowhere near ready, he’s someone I know. He is someone who I am comfortable with that I can spend time with and be friends with. Friends with benefits of course to keep me from sleeping with random guys to ease the pain and fill a void. Funny how the rolls have reversed for the two of us. Finally after ten years. I still can’t believe that I can now have the one guy I so badly wanted to hold onto for so long, yet I don’t want him. Talk about bad timing. But he's back in my life for a reason so maybe it's to help me through this.

Although all of this is new and liberating I can’t help but hope that it's not permanent. I cringe as I admit that, but it’s true. I’m okay with it now. I need it dare I say. I can’t help but think in the back of my mind that I am 26 and I don’t want to be here at 30. I’m an attractive girl, I won’t stay single for four years. Shit, I could be in another relationship right now if I wanted to. I don't want to. I don't know how long I'm not going to want to. The thing is, I’m not going to with just anyone anymore. I’m not even going to waste my time. I’ve wasted enough! But as I cringe at admitting I want this only temporarily, I also cringe at the thought of being in another relationship. Hopefully that will fade with time as well.

So since I feel this is a turning point in my life, one I’d like to look back on and remember, I will try to document it. Hopefully in a few years it will all be very different.

"I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me. I have accepted fear as a part of life--specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in my heart that says: turn back."
-Erica Jong

Wee bit o' background

I am a twenty-something single girl who loves to write. I write solely for myself. I find it incredibly therapeutic. I could be completely and utterly confused about a situation and just the simple act of sitting down and flushing out the randomness that is in my head leads me to my conclusion. Usually. I pay no attention to punctuation being used correctly, (so I apologize in advance if the lack of expertise annoys some readers), spelling, or tenses. I just write. Wow, I just assumed people will actually read this.

Once upon a time I used to write by hand. Journaling I always called it simply because I loathe the term diary. Ugh. I felt writing by hand was so much more personal than typing away at a keyboard. Well, I've since put that theory to rest and type all of my brain dumps onto my laptop. Honestly, if a thought hits me and I'm at work type it up in an email and send it to myself then transfer it over later. If I'm nowhere near a computer I pull out my Palm and type whatever I'm thinking into the memos section. It's weird, I know, but it's what I do.

So I've been journaling in Microsoft word for over a year now and I guess I'm ready to take the next step and put it all out there. Why not, ya know? The thing is, I thought I'd start where the document on my computer starts so the first entries I post are going to be old. I will bring it all up to date so I can eventually start blogging about present day. For a bit this blog will be a mix of journal entries, quotes, song lyrics, photos, etc. Anything that catches my eye really. Hence, sheer randomness.

Tiny tidbit, names of men have been changed in an attempt to remain anonymous. The Ex will always be referred to as such; The Ex. (I think this is my subconscious not wanting him to somehow telepathically feel pleasure/know that I am writing/thinking about him. I apologize in advance if this causes confusion but let's be serious, whose life isn't confusing?

"How can I know what I think unless I see what I write? My writing is the submarine or spaceship which takes me to the unknown worlds within my head. And the adventure is endless and inexhaustible. If I learn to build the right vehicle, then I can discover even more territories."
-Erica Jong