Ready, Set, WAIT!

I'm ready to buy a house. Mentally that is. Financially? Jury's still out on that one. But, first things first. Mentally, I'm ready to be a home-owner. I've been doing some research on the web and checking out prices. I'm sorta getting excited about it, but also getting totally afraid of things like: my credit score, finances, all of the steps, the commitment, can I even do it on my own?! Well, I want to. This is a big, first step for me. Let's see if I can make it happen.

I'm ready to date again. Of course since I'm ready I find no one worth dating.

The "new boy" that I mentioned in the past; let's just call him Insurance boy because he works for an Insurance company (why did I capitalize that)? Anyway, Insurance boy is trying to make a lame-ass come back. That's the thing about texting, makes it so easy for boys to produce lameness.

The cable guy that has been trying to date me since I broke up with The Ex (yes, that's 2-1/2 years for those keeping track), is still yes, trying to date me. Persistence award for him. (Recap: he's called the cable guy because he works for Comcast and hooked me up with free cable when I first moved out and was dirt poor. I now have a nicer place, digital cable that I pay for, and even a flat screen TV. WOO)! But yeah, trying to date even though he says he's not trying to date me, "it's just dinner." Bull.

My mail man is trying to date me. Now, my mail man is a guy I knew from middle school. Small effing world. I discovered he was my mail man a few months ago when he left one of those USPS slips that let you know you have a package at the post office in my mailbox with a cryptic note saying hi and who he was. Now let me just say, he did not include on that wee little note that he was my mailman so it creeped me out. It wasn't until he found me on facebook and told me that I felt slightly relieved. Since then, he's been trying to date me. I'm sorry, but just because I kissed you on a park bench when I was 12, doesn't mean I'm going to have lunch with you at the ripe age of 28. Over the holiday he went as far as holding my packages hostage so he could come by and drop them off himself. Ugh. I couldn't get out of that one, and had to let him stop by. Blah.

But no new boys and that's what I want.

I'm ready for more money, but don't foresee it coming from my current gig. I'm spending the weekends job hunting and tightening up my resume.

Guess I've got big plans for 2009. Who knew?!

In other, completely unrelated news, I'm going to a happy hour with a couple ladies after work tonight. So excited that it's Friday! Tomorrow the brother is coming into town and we're gonna meet some people and watch some playoff football. I got nada on Sunday and that's just how I like it. I do, in fact, have Housebunny on DVD (go ahead, judge). The weekend seems to be shaping up nicely. I'll be in touch!

Disappointment

Why does it seem that everyone in my life, outside of my family members, manage to disappoint me at some point? I don't mean small disappointments like, bailing on a night out on the town, I mean, the realization that a friend is not the friend I once thought they were. I'm not swearing perfection here, exactly the opposite in fact. I'm terribly worried that it's me--me being the common denominator in this plaguing fact and all.

I've always gotten along better with guys as friends than with girls. Guys are so uncomplicated. You really do not have to worry about them judging you or talking behind your back. They're blunt. Everything is just out there. I operate that same exact way. I put it out there. I can't conceal a feeling if I tried. It hurts to try. I'm painfully honest with my friends. Sometimes I think they can't handle it.

My girlfriend relationships have always been a roller coaster. I have one solid friend that I've been friends with forever, but I swear the only reason why is because she's engaged and we live separate lives. The friends I spend time with day to day seem to change. It's as if I can only handle being "best" friends with one person at a time, but that friendship doesn't sustain. We drift and I don't know why. What is it I'm doing wrong?

Most recently, the latest drift has been plaguing me more than any other of the past. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and friendships aren't as easy to find. Not like you can chat up someone in the hallway or during a class. Those days are most certainly over (and they ain't making a comeback either). Yes, this may be true but mostly it's because I thought I had finally found a friendship I'd always wanted. Something rare. But it somehow slipped between my fingers. We're still friends, but it's not the same. We're more like acquaintances. We used to talk everyday, knew everything going on in one another0s' lives, and now I feel like a stranger. I'm not sure why the change happened. She doesn't seem to care. Which makes me think it must be me.

The worst part it is, I've felt this way in general for quite a while--this blaming of myself for dwindling friendships. I had never told anyone. Ever. Frankly, it's embarrassing. But, I told her. I told her how I feared it was me. I confided in her this embarrassing fact because I thought she'd always be there. I knew she'd be honest with me. She told me there was no way it was me.

I've tried to talk to her about this feeling quite a bit in the past 6 months but I've gotten no straight answer to speak of, and still nothing has changed. First, she came to me and said it was a birth control she was on that she found had side effects that put her in a nasty slump. She apologized. She blamed herself entirely. She said all of her relationships had suffered. She got off the birth control. That was in June. Since then she has always said she's so busy with work and freelance work. So busy. No time for friends. None. (All of this without my asking anything. I've given up making attempts). But I see she makes time for other friends somehow. I see it in hte updates on her facebook for Christ's sake. Honestly, I feel like she's been trying to break up with me but just keeps beating around the bush. It's hurtful. I wish I knew why.

Sometimes I think I'm too trusting of people. Too open. It makes me want to hole up and not trust anyone because inevitably, they'll let me down. I'm going to try to fight this feeling because I know it leads no where good. I'm going to try to just be carefree and act as if I'm not bothered. But it's hard work to suppress feelings of hurt.

Self-inflicted torture

I tell everyone, including him, that we're friends simply because it's easier. I am not blind to the fact that we get along great as friends yet horribly as lovers. Even when he compliments me and compliments "us" I shake it off and say, "We are great as friends, I like it better this way." Even when he says he thinks we'd be great together. To him, I disagree. I disagree because I know he doesn't fully mean it. I know he can't give me what I'd want from him and I'd simply wind up let down. I'm sparing him, myself, and us that disappointment.

Today when he asked me to answer him honestly I lied. I lied when he asked, "Does any part of you still have a small crush on me?" I said no. When I asked him the same question, he said he did. I don't believe him. So I said what I always do, "we're great as friends."

Since he's dropped me off I've thought of him. I've checked my phone once or twice. I've debated calling him and telling him I lied. But then I stop myself because I know it will get me no where. I'd simply be putting my neck out there and in the past, doing that hasn't served me well with him. We're better this way. It's the only way we can continue to get along, or rather, the only way I can continue to get along with him.

On New Year's Eve he came over while I was getting ready for my party. He came over to give me a New Year's kiss since we wouldn't be together when midnight struck. We kissed. We hadn't kissed in months. We vowed not to kiss anyone else that night. When I came back home, slightly tipsy, I called him and went to his place. I cuddled into bed with him still in my cocktail dress. He held me. He didn't try to do anything other than keep me warm. He didn't try even though we'd slept together before. He didn't try even though I'm sure he knew he probably could. He even said, "I was going to try to have sex with you when you came over, but I'm gonna be the nice guy, and not." I'm glad he didn't. On New Year's Day when he came over (fainting an excuse to need to use my computer even though today he told me he had bought a new one and didn't need mine), he said he was trying to show me that he could be a good guy. I'm skeptical still. There had to have been another reason.

I'm glad he didn't try thought, because I wouldn't have been able to say no yet I would have been able to feel crappy about it. I'd feel crappy about it because it's not just sex with him. I care about him. Ah, the cliche of it all.

I do, truly, enjoy the friendship we have now. We have fun together, act silly together, and really talk to one another. Our relationship has grown considerably. Slowly, but surely, it has become more real.

What I'm wondering is if in fact this crush I have on him will ever go away? It's been going strong for 8 months now. Some of those months we were together, but most we were not. And even during the months we were together, our "together" wasn't much to speak of. It is right for me to deny my feelings, right? I'm sure it is. He's one of those guys that only seems to be interested when he is experiencing denial. The second I give in his interest will lack and the only reason he's popping these questions about me and us is because he's not getting anything from me. I'm sure of it. I think.Am I only experiencing these feelings because there is no one else of interest to speak of? Would another guy cause him to disappear from my mind?

Now if I could just will this crush to go away, I'd be golden.

Hiatus:

Ended.

Almost 3 months ago to the day I instituted a dating hiatus. If I'm being totally honest, (which I always am here if no where else), I thought it would be harder to keep than it was. Regardless, dating hiatus is coming to a close. This occurs simultaneously with my attempt to come out of hibernation....hmm, may be interesting.

I'm in no way on the prowl. I'm simply open to dating whereas I was closed before. And, whelp, I actually have a drink date tomorrow night. Just drinks. Ease myself back into the pool. The eager dater has already asked for a dinner date for Friday night, but whoa, let's see how drinks go first, buddy. (I actually said that in a joking manner. Totally serious though). Luckily my friends birthday is today so I told him I wasn't sure if she'd want to do something over the weekend since her birthday is during the week. That will be my out if tomorrow's drinks are a bust.

I'll be sure to report here. Who knows, I may be the groundhog again. One date and I'm back in the hole! We'll see :)

Hibernating

I'm still in hibernation. I keep thinking the end is near, but then it f's around and snows on the night I made plans to go out. It's like Groundhog Day and I'm the groundhog. Just when I think I'm ready to come out of hiding, the temperature drops, a flake falls and I scurry back inside and throw on my slippers. Shew, that was a close one. One more weekend of movies and sweats.

I'd like to say I feel like a loser, but I'm incredibly content. In the back of my mind I worry. That nagging voice says, "How are you ever going to meet anyone if you don't get out there?" Then I remember that maybe I don't really want to meet someone? Who knows. There is certainly no shortage of guys texting me all weekend to see what I'm doing. Old guys. Guys I've test driven and left at the lot.

Anyway. It's frigid outside so I'm inside. I decorated me wee little tree last night and it looks adorably precious I must say. I've discovered a new addiction, tumblr.com. OMGSH, I'm hooked. I post an obnoxious amount of things. Sorry tumblr world for my spamming.

http://overflowing.tumblr.com

I'll probably follow my own lead and be an idiot

Because after weeks, heck, over a month of the Jimmy (who I'd rather simply refer to as the adult crush), and I being friends legitimately and myself saying over and over that I like it that way (even if I do admit to still slightly crushing on him, outwardly we've been nothing but friends), he called me today in an attempt to be more than just friends. Not in so many words but I know what he's eluding to.

I did drunk call him Saturday night. And then called back with a lame excuse to come pick up my Dark Night DVD. Like I needed it at 2am. I just wanted to see him because I was tipsy. Nothing happened. I didn't want anything to happen. I just was tipsy and wanted to see him. I always call him when I'm drunk. He's who I want to talk to. He always entertains my silliness and talks to me on my ride home. I think he likes it just as much as I do.

He came by yesterday to borrow an iPod attachment from me. He's so freaking cute.

Today he asked if he could come over after his game and talk, maybe cuddle a little.

I'm such an asshole because I'm thinking about it. Jeez. Sheesh. Ugh!

I keep telling myself that his lease is up in 4 measly months and he's going to move. I know that once he moves I'll never see him again. I'm pretty darn sure of it. So what's the problem in entertaining seeing him here and there for the next 4 months. We've been friends for a while. I'd like to keep the friendship there and not go any further.

We'll see.

Tell me you love me...

Are these five words grouped together some sort of new phenomenon among men? Is saying this to girls all the rage? Or perhaps, is it just the guys that I entertain?

As The Ex said these words to me this weekend before we got off the phone, "Tell me you love me" I realized that was it. It's final. Every guy is saying these words to me. Granted, I was with The Ex for 5+ years and said those words to him more times than I could count with incredible feeling behind it. But he had never said those words to me. "Tell me you love me."

When Jimmy first said it me I was in a compromising position. A position where it would be considered bad form to start rattling off questions and insecurities regarding those words. After a slight stumble, I just went with it. Eff it. He knew it wasn't true. Come on. Throughout our dating time he continued to say that to me while on the phone, together, whatever. I chalked it up to his age and immaturity. Even Ken said that to me at one point. Hinting around the "L" word.

Guy friends of mine say it to me all the time. I flat out tell my guy friends that I love them. I have one guy friend who says I love you every time we hang up. I'm okay with it.

But "Tell me you love me" from guys I've been or are involved with seems to be a pattern. Is this normal? Aren't guys typically supposed to be the ones who avoid that word like the plague? Has anyone else noticed this odd phenomenon or is it really just me?

Regardless, I don't like it. I don't like being told to express a feeling and I'm too nice to say no. After a couple stalling, "What? No! You're an idiot! Why's" I give in and say it. And it always sounds awful coming out of my mouth. I hear myself and cringe. Then they say, I love you too. Or Jimmy's priceless, "No you don't, you liar!" Well, duh. I fought sayin' the three little words tooth and nail before only saying them because you told me to. If you want the truth then wait for me to give it up willingly.

Rainy Saturday

Today is one of those days when I feel the negative impacts of my dating hiatus. I'm alone and lonely. For me, there's a difference. I spend a lot of my time, I'd say the majority of my time (that I'm not at work), alone yet I do not feel lonely. Today, no such case. I'm lonely.

It's been raining all day. It's cloudy and cold. I want to curl up on the sofa with someone, order dinner and watch a movie. I want someone to want to be with me. To call me and say they want to see me, let's chill and relax. To spoon in bed with. To wake up on Sunday morning and cook breakfast with then get back into bed.

Lately I've had no desire to get all fancied up and go out. Shit, I've had no desire to go out period. So I chill. Alone. Normally I'm okay with that, but today and tonight, I'm lonely.

In other news, I spent a wee bit of time with Jimmy last night and this morning. It's not what you think and I don't think this event is linked to my feeling of loneliness though it very well may be. You be the judge. And judge you probably will. Rightfully so. The time was dog-centric. His dog. Allow me to disclose...

He called me yesterday morning to let me know that he was being evicted from his apartment unless he got rid of his dog by 5pm that day. He called me because at one point in time The Ex was willing to take him. The Ex still was. To make a long story short, I wound up meeting a woman that was keeping the dog for Jimmy last night while Jimmy coached a high school football game. I brought the dog, who I love to pieces, back to my place to keep and cuddle with for the night. Luckily, a coworker of mine who recently (sadly) put his 14-year-old dog down last week wanted to take the dog for him and his family. Fabulous set up for this dog who will bask in the attention he'll receive by being the families only dog.

So after Jimmy was finished with his game he came over to see the dog and hung out at my place for a bit. We didn't mess around. We talked. We laid on the sofa with the dog a bit. It's the oddest thing, but it's clear how content the dog is when Jimmy and I are together. When we hug, he's right in there with us. When we're sitting next to each other on the sofa, he's sure to have part of his furry body on me and the other part on Jimmy. I noticed this fact quite a while ago, but never said anything. Jimmy was actually the one to say it. Even the dog is smart enough to see what Jimmy doesn't.

I spent the night spooning with the great dane. Love him. This morning Jimmy and I drove to my coworker's place to drop off the dog. We hung out for a bit. I'm confident it's a good fit and couldn't be happier for all parties.

Though I found myself smiling while watching Jimmy interact with my coworker, a guy I've worked with for over 4 years who I love and respect like family. I wanted to lean on him or touch him while he talked with them. I wanted to be in a couple with him. I liked traveling with him. I liked being with him. I dreaded seeing our exit coming, knowing it meant our time together would be over and who knows when I'd see him again.

I think I'll always have a soft spot for him. I like him and I can't have him. I play it off while with him that I'm fine and moving on with my Ex. It's a lot less fabulous than I allow him to assume. At one point last night while we sat on opposite sides of the sofa with the dog between us he asked me if I'd missed him. I responded, "I missed Rocky." "Seriously," he said. "I missed you as much as you missed me," I said in a mocking tone. He looked down and said, "I think about you a lot." "Psh," is all I could muster. But that comment combined with that look shot right to my heart and pinched it. He jumped up and planted one little peck on my lips, then went back to his seat.

La dee da dee da

I'm covering my ears and singing to block out the sounds of judging. No judgment, (please)?

Guess I'll start with the portion of my tale that's the most judge worthy. Jump right into the meat of it. Let me just first start out by saying, (well second since first I'd like to ask you kindly not to judge), that I am happy with my decisions (for the most part) and do not feel dreadful. Funny how looking at something with a different attitude, a new perspective, can change the entire outcome.

Ahem...

I hung out with Jimmy last night and yes we hooked up. Yes, after I said I was done, finished, finito exactly one week ago today. (Insert judgment here).

I have to say that rather than feeling dreadful today I feel liberated. I'm officially and proudly over the crush. I no longer want anything from him nor do I feel disappointed or dissed by him. I have to assume I got over the crush after deciding not to talk to him and not to care anymore. It worked. I don't know how we humans do it, (I assume it happens for us all), but I love how I can will a feeling into eventual reality. Sometimes it takes longer than other times, but ultimately I reach the emotional state of being I've set out for.

It all began when I ran into him while I was walking my dog after work. He was throwing the football with his roommate. He immediately got that ear-to-ear, adorably childish grin on his face when he saw me, yelled my name and then ran up to me. I was on my cell phone with James trying to persuade him to come up to my neck of the woods to watch some Monday night football. Of course Jimmy proceeded to act like the child he is and yell loudly (so as to be sure the person on the other end of the line would hear him), to get off of the phone, who am I talking to, and is it a guy?? He even grabbed the phone at one point and talked to James for a bit. Oy. Thank goodness it wasn't The Ex.

I hadn't seen him in over 2 weeks. Feelings: nada besides simply sheer physical attraction and the fact that he was playing football, hot. Oh, and the realization that we were wearing the same exact jersey. Presh. Still, all in all good.

He called me a couple times after the walk. I talked to him for a bit. Nothing big. It's funny how he seems to think I cease to exist when he hasn't seen me for a while and then once he does see me he is immediately shocked and consumed with my existence and can't get enough. As if he honestly forgot about me.

I went to watch Monday night football with James and The Ex. The plan was to just go with James, but once The Ex got wind that James and I were going together he insisted on tagging along. James was literally walking out the door when The Ex called him on his way home from work and insisted on coming along. James had to wait for him to shower, change, the whole deal. I don't mind that he comes but it changes the dynamic a wee bit. He still just doesn't seem comfortable with the two of us hanging out alone. Oh well. Such is life.

While I was out I got a few texts from Jimmy asking if we could hang out. Begging really. Outwardly begging. I knew what it was all about. The old feelings of "I shouldn't" were present, but something new was also. I wanted to. And I wanted to not for the same reasons that I used to want to. I wanted to because I felt totally in control. I'm not that pansy, what if this, what if that girl anymore when it comes to him. Yes, I still find him attractive (I didn't have a lobotomy), but I'm not searching for more than satisfying that physical attraction. I'm single. He's single. Part of me did want to show off my new improved self.

The Ex dropped me off (this is sorta why I say I don't feel badly "for the most part." It's The Exes involvement in the scenario, which there is more of that I will get to later on). So The Ex dropped me off and after a quick freshen up I went to see Jimmy. During the freshen up The Ex called (I think to see if I'd answer...curious as to whether I'd be involved in a late-night visit). He wanted to say good night and let me know he was almost home. Nice.

Shortly after hanging up with The Ex I headed for Jimmy's. Hanging out with him was fun. We talked, we laughed, etc. ETC. Lets just call it as it is, ya know? I had fun joking around with him and being the girl that is in control instead of the girl that wanted more. I talked to him about The Ex and he offered advice. He threw in the appropriate jealous annoyed comments, but also said I can't hold back and should just give him a chance. I didn't want to spend the night because, duh, I'll sleep better in my own bed and a girls' gotta work in the morning! HE seemed to be the girl that wanted more and I was eating it up. Isn't that how human nature works? We want what we can't have. As soon as we have it we don't want it anymore, but take it away, and by god we wanted that! Oh the tables, how they turn and there's nothing I like more than when they are a turnin' in my favor.

The truth is, it felt like we were friends and I like that feeling so much better than the previous feelings of the Jimmy and I saga. What this was, was the ultimate summer fling. Inappropriate, hot, and utterly convenient, lasting from May until September. Who could ask for more? And that's just it, no one should have ever asked for more. Yet that's just what I did; went ahead and killed it with the illusion of wanting more. Let me be straight with myself and say that I knew from the beginning I didn't want anything serious with him. I just got a little side-tracked. I blame the sex haze, which then caused my ego to be bruised and then I might as well have been Alice falling down the hole to Wonderland constantly seeking my ego to be repaired by him. Stepping back from him and alleviating the idea (or more like coming to my senses) that it couldn't and shouldn't be something more, allowed me to see it for how it is, how it was, and of course, how it should be. (Shout out to Salt 'N' Pepa for that one, didja catch it)?

Bottom line is there's a reason I crushed on him on the first place and it's because without all the pressure he is a funny, adorable, entertaining guy and definitely someone I can be friends with. Potential boyfriend material? Not so much. No news there. So I'm back and I'm walking on solid ground. Last night felt like closure and there's nothing this girl likes more than closure followed by some redemption, and topped with friendship so my relationships do not feel trashy and pointless. Make no mistake, no judgment coming from this direction for those relationships that don't.

Funny though, in a sort of sad way he asked if that would be the last time we would be together like that. I told him I didn't know, duh. And he asked that I let him know if I'm getting back with The Ex so we can be together one more time. He wants to know when it's going to be the last time. I'm not sure how to take that, but I feel like it's a little bit sort of, maybe in the realm of sweet. He told me he's probably moving. I'm thinking that will bring a close to our final chapter. We see each other now mostly in passing, coincidences and if it's planned then it's last minute and I only agree because of how close he really is. This is a shame considering I feel like I've just now discovered how to enjoy him in a new way, a way I could probably enjoy worry free indefinitely.

As a joke, because he gave me such a hard time for not calling or answering his calls after our last escapade, I sent him a text this afternoon that simply said, "So I'm texting you so you can't say you didn't hear from me the next day like you said last time ;)" He immediately called me. I mean a second later. So quickly that I thought possibly it was an incredible coincidence, but no, he had received the text and was calling. Calling because he wanted to know why I cared considering I had admitted last night that "it was just sex." I told him I had been kidding last night (though I wasn't), and he went on to tell me to stop lying and just be for real with him. He seemed serious so I settled with, how about we don't label it. He liked that. We chatted a bit. Nonsense really. I ended the convo so as to avoid wanting more. Perfect, and I still feel wonderful about the entire situation. It's obvious by my blogs that I was consumed with analyzing that situation and I'm happy to finally put it to rest.

So moving on to why I feel content with last night's decision but only, "for the most part." The part I don't feel good about is the proximity of its' timing to certain other events. Once again I'm going to ask for the ceasing of judgment at this point.

Ahem...

(I'm gonna ease into this one)

So I mentioned that I've been spending a bit of time with The Ex and by what I've said already I think it's clear that this little tidbit remains true. On Saturday I allowed him to come up to my parent's place with me for their end of summer shindig, as friends. I made it clear to all that we are just friends. What did my mother do when she saw him? Cried. Yup, she freakin' cried. She would not stop hugging him and was actually crying real tears. Get it together, Mom! Jeez, we're playing it cool and she was totally not helping. It was only a matter of time before my Dad had him out in the garage and they were discussing tools and work. I barely saw him the entire time we were there. They really had missed him, it was evident in how they talked his ear off all night.

We got back to my place around 11ish and I let him spend the night because the spending of the night was because of sheer exhaustion and not in the hopes of getting busy. He was so exhausted that he literally fell asleep on my couch mere minutes after our arrival. When I was ready I woke him and let him know I was going into bed and he could stay or join. Of course he joined. There was cuddling, but no funny business. Whelp, not until morning. Yea I went ahead and complicated the situation by having sex with The Ex. Damn it.

So if you're thinking backward in your head, doing the elementary math required, you'll see that Sunday morning I slept with The Ex, and Monday night I slept with Jimmy. Yup, call me what I am, a hoe. (Insert MORE judgment here).

Top that with I hung out with The Ex Monday night beforehand and allowed him to buy me dinner and drinks and then upon his dropping me off I skirted over to my new boy toy's and wow, there is no argument involved with the idea that I am a freakin' hoe.

And let me just back up a second. Actions that are starting to make me nervous when it comes to The Ex which I have no doubt stem from the complicating of things: while I'm on my cell phone Monday night, clearly texting, he tries to look over my shoulder and see who I'm texting/what I'm texting. This went on the entire night. At one point he literally stole my phone from me and proceeded to text back my friend Ryan with "Ur a fag." Thank god it had been Ryan I was texting back at the ime and not Jimmy. After he texted that he definitely tried to look through it more as I chased him around the pool table. I have no doubt that Jimmy was who he was looking for. That is the target he was most certainly wanted to hit. Times like that I am so thankful for my Palm Centro Smartphone that is so deliciously complicated that no one knows how to operate it. It wasn't the first time a guy's snooping had been blocked simply because he couldn't figure out how to work it. When I finally got my phone back and yelled at him then went outside with James, he rolled his eyes at me. I could tell he was annoyed that I cared that he had taken my phone. He wanted me to not give a shit about any other guys and any drama he may cause between us. Sorry but, you're not there. Throughout the night he continued to try to sneak my phone out of my purse. Calling me shortly after he dropped me off also worries me. He disguised it as saying good night, but I know he was checking on me. He didn't ask anything, but he didn't have to.

I justify my actions by thinking of it as security. Maybe the blow that will occur after The Ex effs up will be less of a tremor if I'm having a little fun on the side. If I have my own secrets, it won't be so hard to deal with the possibility that some of his may eventually come out should there be any. And by gosh, that boy hurt me badly. He owes me. What goes around comes around. (Got anymore cliches that work in my benefit)?

Technically, I'm single and not doing anything wrong. Immediately after the act I warned The Ex that I had wanted to avoid doing that because it complicates things. Okay, maybe it was a statement at the time but it turned into a warning when I went ahead and complicated them. He brushed my warning off by saying that this is us we're talking about, things won't get complicated. Problem is, the me that was involved in the us he's referring to no longer exists. He just hasn't realized that yet.

Who knows? Not I.

I don't even know where to start so I'm just going to start.

Ken and I got together as "friends" last week. Drinks and appetizers after work. Long story short, the conclusion is that we cannot be just friends. Too many times he told me he misses me (even though I was sitting directly across from him). Too many times he talked about us; what went wrong, what he wishes, oh how sad. We did have a good time together as we always have had. Drinking margaritas and martinis and laughing. Things are just easy and comfortable between us. It's the oddest thing. I am incapable of being seriously into him even though he is seriously into me, yet I find him ridiculously attractive. When I'm around him I like him but as soon as he leaves my vision I have forgotten him. Be it that I'm afraid or just not that into him, I have no idea. One of the worlds' many unsolved mysteries. There are certainly more important ones, so moving on.

The night ended with us kissing, yet another sign that we will not be "just friends." I'm too attracted to him not to allow him to kiss me. I can see us going out on a weekend night and my allowing him to have sex with me. In no way am I in need of a fuck buddy.

This week I received texts from him saying he can't stop thinking about me and he misses the fun we had. Feeling not mutual. Damn it, sometimes I wish it were.

So here's the doozy, I've been spending a bit of time with The Ex. Yup, The Ex. Friday night he actually opened up to me and by opening up I mean in the largest way. He tore down the wall and poured out everything inside. I don't know where it came from or why. It was incredibly random. We were out for a bit and the second we got into the car the flood gates opened. I dated him for five years. I've been with him through the loss of loved ones, parent's surgeries and scares, and never have I seen him cry. We've been broken up for two years and never tears. Something happened to him and the tears just wouldn't stop. It is indescribable even now to say what it felt like to see this person I've known for 7 years, lived with, known inside and out, act in a way I never had before. His tears made me cry so we proceeded to cry together like a couple of fools. I offered no words. But told him it was okay as he apologized profusely for everything that ever happened. He kept telling me that it wasn't okay and to stop saying it was.

I've been quite when it comes to voicing my feelings and/or opinions to him about him, us and the future possible potential for an us. He wants to get back together. I'm the love of his life. He's asked that I just think about it, so I guess I am. I went to a football game with him on Sunday and we had a blast as well. No funny business, no talking of us unless it comes from him. My wall is still firmly in place and will remain that way for a while I assume. I'm not sure what I'm doing. I guess I'm just allowing time to be the ultimate decision maker. If he's going to fuck up then it will only take time.

People tell me I should just give him another chance, if I love him it's worth it, I can't hold back, blah, blah, blah. I can't listen to that psycho babble. This is my heart we're talking about and I'm not ready to put it back on the table for him to possibly crush again. This is dangerous waters we're dealing with. I know what it felt like to be broken by him. I know how long it took me to breathe normally and not feel socially retarded in public. No one else can know that but me. I don't feel like I'm the one who needs to do anything. So I'm not. Period.

Jimmy has been calling quite a bit; because I'm showing no interest of course. He called and bitched me out for coming over there, sleeping with him, leaving when I said I'd stay, and then not talking to him after, "as if sex is all it was to me." I explained that I was just following his lead. He so confuses me. He says I play games and he's afraid to seriously date me because he is afraid I will hurt him. I think that sounds like an excuse. Still, I think of him. I haven't seen him since that last night and I don't plan to, but I can't deny that I think of him. I even miss him.

For now, it's Friday and almost the weekend. Plans for tonight are simply walking to a little happy hour at a bar my guy friend Ryan works at with a couple friends from work. James is meeting us over there. I'll probably only stay for an hour or two so I can get home to my boys. I've been holding onto a Netflix movie for far too long, Smart People, so I plan on viewing that while lying in bed. Tomorrow my parents are having a little end of summer shindig. And Sunday, whelp, who knows!

Have a fab weekend friends!

Relapse

So it seems I need to be a little more clear with myself. Okay, more like harsh.

Dating hiatus does not in any way mean that you should continue to have sex with a guy who has clearly shown he is lazy and has no interest in putting the effort into you that you so deserve.

I relapsed Sunday night and slept with Jimmy. It will be the final time. I'm sure of it because of how I felt afterward. Awful. Definite post depression sunk in immediately. I was so angry with myself. So much so, that I had to leave shortly after the act. I did a fabulous job of ignoring him all weekend which of course made him come on stronger. He's so predictable. Then I ended all of that hard work with giving up in the most extreme way. No more.

I actually left and called The Ex. I needed to talk to someone. At 1am he listened to me babble about what I did, what's wrong with me, why, why, why?? I was a wreck. He just listened and told me to just stop. I'm too good for it, and I know it. He said I am too hard on myself. Sometimes I am so incredibly thankful for him. I think he has grown to be a real friend to me. In some ways.

The next day, I felt even more foolish but immediately began the process of blocking the previous nights' events out of my mind completely. I am ending this nonsense. I know I've said this time and time again.

In other news, Ken has resurfaced and his new angle is that he'd like to be friends. I guess technically he never went away in order to resurface. I have heard from him at least once a week whether it's a text or a phone call. Regardless, this new proposal is coming from the same guy who hated the fact that I had so many guy friends, (I get along great with guys, it's just easy and I have fun with them. Period). He was always adamant about the fact that he did not have friends as girls. If he was hanging out with a girl it was because he was interested in her for other reasons. And last but not least, all my guy friends "just want to fuck" me. Ironic that he now would like to be my friend.

I of course mentioned his "theory." His response is that I could be his first friend as a girl. He just misses me and maybe it will be a disaster, but it could be a good thing too. He threw in how it has taken him a long time to get over me, that he wishes I hadn't closed up on him, i.e. all things that sound like he might not actually be over me. Hmm. Well, I am always up for remaining friends with people. I can do it. My experience is that guys usually can't. I'm skeptical because I think this may just be an angle. But, I rarely turn things down without giving it a shot, so I will. I am in full control of what does and does not happen. I'll keep ya posted on the progress of that one.

Dating hiatus

You heard it here first (as if you'd hear it anywhere else). I'm going on a bit of a dating hiatus, which basically means that I'm going to be spending a lot of time with myself. If I have mentally prepared myself for this it won't feel quite as pathetic while I'm spending the majority of my Friday and Saturday nights chilling in with the boys, reading, watching movies, organizing my closets and other various nooks and crannies of my apartment. This may sound like a death sentence to some but it is pure bliss for me. I could occupy myself with busy things around the apartment for quite a while and be perfectly satisfied. I'll be sure to make dinner/drink plans with the girls throughout as well. Armed with my library card, my Netflix subscription, and a treasure in my nightstand, I should be good (at least for a bit).

This hiatus does not mean that I will turn down a guy that I feel has potential. No, not at all. It just means that my mind and goals are elsewhere and dating is not my concern. I'm not looking.

One of the elsewhere goals is to end the cycle of mediocre men and seriously bid adue to the exes hanging around. Another goal is to save some serious money so I can start making some changes in my life: redecorate my apartment, one day get out of my one bedroom apartment, have a bit of nest egg.

I understand that this may lead to a completely boring blog, so because of that, I will leave you with an entertaining story that will surely have you rolling your eyes and possibly give you a bit of a chuckle.

First, let me say that I have stuck to my guns when it came to ending the cycle with Jimmy. (Backtrack: he wound up keeping the dog. Yes, after he refused to go to The Ex's with me that fateful morning, had me in tears thinking I'd have to go alone because I couldn't stand the thought of the dog in the pound, had me calling my girlfriend who offered to temporarily take him, drove all the way to her place with the dog, he called and had changed his mind...while he was at his second job...just 3 hours later. He wouldn' t be off work until 2am so I was to keep the dog until then. I couldn't leave him in my apartment so I had to cancel the plans I had to go out with friends. My Sunday before Labor Day was ruined).

I've talked to him twice since that day. Once to return the dog's food and bowls, and the other for him to bitch and complain because one of his friends saw me out at a boxing match with a table full of guys. Yes, I was there. Yes, I was the only girl. And yes, I had a fabulous time. Call me a tom girl but I love some serious full contact sports. Sexy.

So, he calls me last night after I haven't heard from him in 3 days (which was only for him to bitch about me being with guys), asking if he had left his diamond stud earrings at my place. I knew he hadn't. He then asked if I had any cheap earrings he could borrow. Ugh, of course he wanted something. I did. He asked if I could bring them up to him. Come get them yourself if you want them, I said! He begged I just bring them up, he had just gotten out of the shower. Me being the nice person I am, agreed.

I get to his apartment and he opens the door but is hiding his body behind it. Just his head is poking around. My first reaction is that he doesn't want to let me in and just wants me to hand him the earrings. I hesitate for a second before he tells me to come in. I see behind him that the place is completely dark except for a couple of candles lit. I walk past him. "What, are you getting romantic with yourself or something?" I say. Before turning around to see that he is completely naked. Yes, naked and coming at me. Dancing toward me really. OMG, seriously? Wow. I laugh at him. What else could I do? He went on to hug and kiss me and baby this, baby that talk to me, trying to get me to do this and that, and whelp, it just wasn't happening. He realized quickly that I wasn't that easy but didn't put on his clothes. Nope, he was clearly comfy naked. He danced around like a goof ball. It was really pretty comical!

But lets be serious, I've barely talked to you and you coax me to your place under false pretenses and expect me to give it up. Sorry bud, I'm not and never will be your booty call. I'm not that girl.

He realized it wasn't happening and went and got dressed. I played with the dog who I'm hopelessly in love with for a bit before leaving.

He later called me 3 times at 1:30am. I didn't answer.

Dating hiatus has officially begun.

Be free to be afraid

I am happy to report that I had a successful first date last night. I met the guy a couple Saturday's ago at a hot spot downtown. We talked a bit, we know some of the same people, he lives and works in DC (not too far), but is in town often to visit friends.

He was in town yesterday, his birthday, to have dinner with his family. He asked if I'd like to meet for a drink after. I rarely go out on a school night, but I work in the city, coincidentally, in the building next door to where he and his fam were having dinner. So I figured why the hell not. Not to mention, I've gotta loosen up a bit. If I want change then I have to change the way I act and react. So I said yes. We decided we'd work out the details yesterday afternoon.

So on schedule I got a text from him saying he expected to be finished with dinner around 9:30ish, would that be okay? Then immediately, my cell phone died. Fab.

That's a wee bit late for me to make the trip back into the city (I love about 20 minutes north). I wasn't too keen on driving home from the city then back down hours later, only to make the trip again in the morning. I made up my mind while still at work that we'd reschedule but I'd have to wait until I got home to do so. My co-worker informed me that I'd have to call because otherwise it just sounded like an excuse. "Sorry it took a while for me to respond, my phone died right when I got your text, and oh, by the way, tonight's not going to work after all. Too late for me." Well I wasn't ready for voice-on-voice. I'm such a scaredy cat. Plus, he was having dinner with his fam....so not trying to interrupt that. So although I told her, of course I'll call, I texted. A whole hour later canceling, but I'd like to do it another time. He wrote write back.

He said he understood, thought I lived closer and well, didn't mind coming coming to get me (an extra 20 minutes north out of his way for heading home), and grabbing a drink close by. Wow, impressive.

I thought on the idea for a minute. I was all set to cancel and do nothing. Once I get in that state of mind it's hard to get out. Another one of my stupid qualities I need to change. But then, the fear crept him. Having him come to my place? Ugh, I'm such a wierdo when it comes to that stuff. I get all uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing for a bit. I grabbed the leash and took the dog for a walk.

I wracked my brain. If I say no it would require me to come up with a lame excuse, i.e. lie. I'd be mad at myself later for still effing with the immature, selfish guys in my life with no one to blame but myself for the lack of new. I'd do nothing but read and watch bad TV if I stayed in. Why do I put myself through so much mental turmoil over such trivial things? Woudn't normal people just say, okay, sounds good! I'm a mess.

So when I got back to my apartment I texted him saying that sounded good (in my most normal text voice). I was not normal on the inside.

He called me from the restaurant just before dessert and we had a good little convo. Laughing is always good. It was presh. I texted him my address and just 20 minutes later he let me know he was on his way. So far he was doing it all right.

He arrived and we headed to a local martini bar. We stayed for a few hours and talked a lot. It was good, it was nice. We'll see how it goes.

I'm just proud of myself for getting over the hump. What seemed like nothing, was big for me. The past two years has certainly been a process. I've barely put myself out there and somehow have expected change.

I've chosen guys that were not good enough for me because they were safe. I could leave them when the reality of their inadequacy became something I couldn't ignore any longer. They never left me because I was the best they could do. What's there to be afraid of if I know I'm superior and in control? Well, I can't be happy that way either. It's time to be scared.

Mental prepration

At 10am this morning my mental preparation for the incredibly awkward position I will be putting myself in tomorrow began. Early, I know. I hadn't even had coffee. Already I was pacing the apartment. Finally, I was curled up on my sofa on the phone with my girlfriend unloading info. A pickle before noon on a Saturday, following a night that I didn't even go out. Unheard of for most, but not this girl.

The mental preparation is not complete. Let me explain.

Jimmy began calling me this morning at 9am. He called 2, 3 times. I was in bed. I knew him well enough to know that he wanted something. He calls for no other reason.

Let me stray from the topic for just a moment. I've finally realized that the only reason I've felt like I'm into Jimmy is because he doesn't seem into me. I blame my ego. I knew from the beginning he was all wrong for me and I still know this. I've simply been mystified as to why he stopped showering me with attention and chasing me. I've been consumed with trying to get him to figure out that he wants me again. It's the chase to get him to want to commit. If he did decide he wanted a commitment, I'd be willing to bet that I'd revert right back to being uninterested and pushing him away, as I did in May when he first came at me full force.

I'm happy to report that since this realization I've barely thought about him. Given, it's only been a day or two, but I rarely thought of him yesterday and never wondered if he'd call. When he did call at 10pm, I was surprised. I'd actually forgotten about him! I did answer though, he did ask me to come over, I declined. I told him I was tired. We got off of the phone. I'll admit, I did start to think about him after we got off the phone. Learning that he hadn't gone into work at his second job and had gone to play poker at his brother's just showed me that when he did have free time, he wasn't interested in spending it with me. He didn't even think to call me until he was on his way home. This still upsets me and bruises my ego, but I'm deciding to just get over that. He called me again a half hour later. We talked a little more. I'm not sure what his intention was. He didn't try to see me, we just talked. I probably shouldn't even answer his phone calls but I haven't gotten to that point yet. I'll get there. Baby steps. At this point I don't even plan on talking to him about it. I don't see the point and I'm not sure he'll even notice.

So back to this morning. He started calling me at 9am. Since this whole thing is now on my terms, I didn't give him a call back until I had woken up, washed my face, brushed my teeth, started the coffee, fed the boys, and taken the dog for a walk. Once I was ready, I called.

Jimmy: What are you doing? (yea, no hello, that's the first thing he said).
Me: Nothing.
Jimmy: I've been calling you all morning.
Me: You called me twice.
Jimmy: Well I'm taking (his dog) to the shelter this morning.
Me: What? No! Don't. Just wait a couple weeks. The Ex will take him if you just wait.
Jimmy: I can't wait, I can't do it anymore. I called 411, I got a place and I'm taking him.

We had a little more back and forth. Mostly me getting details. I'm not sure why he decided to call me all morning just to tell me he was doing it. Maybe he wanted to be talked out of it.

When we hung up I texted The Ex and told him the news. I texted him again. No response. I knew his crazy stripper ex girlfriend was staying with him to "take care of him" since he decided to go back to his own place, so I didn't want to call.

Another detour. Yea, he tells me Thursday that he's gonna give it a shot at home for the weekend and see how he does. His crazy stripper ex girlfriend is picking him up and taking him home that day. He says this like it's nothing, but I felt the pang. Her birthday is Sunday, he has to get her something. She wants to do something, blah blah blah. Why is he telling me all of this bullshit? I couldn't hold back any longer...

Me: Well, I'm glad I didn't stay with you like you were trying to get me to the other night since three days later you're with her.
The Ex: I wouldn't have her come get me if you had stayed. I'd probably asked you to.
(yeah right, it's still her birthday this weekend. He still clearly cares).
Me: Right.
The Ex: Besides, you'd probably be busy with Ken or Jimmy anyway.

Then I had flashes of how often I bitch and moan about Jimmy to him. How I was "out" with Ken the other night, and realized he's hearing stuff about me and other guys constantly. He's probably glad to have something to throw at me. Guess I can dish it but I can't take it.

So anyway, I couldn't take it anymore, this was about the dog so I called him. I told him. He actually said, let me talk to (my crazy stripper ex girlfriend). What, why her? Because, I need help. If she'll help me take care of him then I'll take the dog right now. Grrr...my insides were churning as I simultaneously thanked god that I didn't stay and "cuddle" with him that night this past week. What a fucker ya know? Ugh. Anyway. Focus. This is about the dog. He said he'd call me back in 1o.

I called Jimmy and told him to wait. Don't leave yet. I'm trying to talk The Ex into taking him now.

The Ex called back and said yes, he'd take him but not until tomorrow. He's having a big birthday cookout for his cousin at his house today and there will be just too many people there. If he could wait until tomorrow, he'd take him. She'd agreed to help. Ew. I don't want her crazy stripper hands all over that sweet, sweet puppy. Anger and jealousy was boiling inside of me. I did my best to ignore it because more than anything I didn't want the dog to wind up at the pound or worse, put to sleep. But wait, how are we going to do this odd transaction? Oy.

So I called Jimmy and told him. I could hear the relief in his voice. He didn't want to take the dog to the pound. He agreed to wait until tomorrow. I told him, you're going to have to come with me to take the dog.

Jimmy: What, why?
Me: Because, his crazy stripper ex girlfriend is staying with him now, taking care of him, and the only way he can take the dog right now is because she agreed to help since he's basically crippled. She's going to be there. She doesn't like that we talk. This has to be between you and The Ex not me and The Ex.
Jimmy: You've been there before?! I don't want to talk to him!
Me: Yea, well not when she's there, and why not?
Jimmy: I don't know him. I don't want to.
Me: Well, you have to. I'll go with you but you need to come.
Jimmy: Fine.

So, tomorrow, Jimmy and I are going to drive down to MY OLD house that I shared with The Ex and deliver Jimmy's dog to The Ex and his crazy stripper ex girlfriend. I've never seen her in person. I've never seen him with another girl. I've never seen another girl in MY OLD house. I was with The Ex this past Sunday, he's been trying to get back with me, I was with him this past Monday, he tried to get me to stay the night with him. Now he's playing house with her.

I have no idea how this situation is going to affect me but I don't think it is going to be in a positive way. Jimmy is my armor. Although we're not a couple, it will look like we are. I'm going there with someone. God knows I could never and I mean never go by myself. I hate to say it, but I may rather have the dog go to the pound then deliver the dog by myself. Selfish, maybe but I value my heart.

I'm not an overly religious person, but I do believe that things happen for a reason and I believe this is happening for a reason. I'm being put into this position, a position that will provide me with a picture that I'll more than likely never be able to forget. I will not be able to ignore the fact that he moved another girl into "our" house less than a month after I moved out. I'm going to see it first hand. No one should ever have to see what I'm going to see tomorrow, but I need to. It'll be something that will be a barricade that will never allow me to give The Ex a second chance. Something I know I should never do anyway.

This will be my last outing with Jimmy. Once this is over I'll be moving on.

Last one on the bandwagon

So I realize "He's Just Not That Into You" was a phenomenon oh, 2 years ago? Well, I was just lent the book yesterday by a co-worker, (hidden message there?), and devoured it last night.

All in all, an okay book. The question and answer format bugged me. The "workbook" portion at the end of every chapter annoyed the shit outta me. I breezed through what didn't apply to me. I gotta admit, parts of it depressed me. This guy, (the co-author), really thinks us women are this stupid? Are some of us? Jeez, I hope not. But peppered throughout I did find some good advice I fully intend to digest. There were definitely parts that I could relate to.

In my opinion, the authors should have just written the book in a normal format throughout. But hey, what do I know? I have no book deals under my belt.

I will say, this book found me at the perfect time. Jimmy is just not that into me. I get it. Below are quotes from the book that I found useful, jotted down, and plan to revisit. Consistently, until it sinks in. (I'm such a quote junky).

The movie is in fact coming out in 2009 with a seriously awesome cast. Check out the trailer.
http://www.imdb.com/rg/VIDEO_PLAY/LINK//video/screenplay/vi4024303897/.

And onto the quotes....

"Don't waste the pretty."

"The word 'busy' is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word 'busy' is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want."

"It's hard. We're taught in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, no the exception. It's intoxicatingly liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. Because this is what we do: We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go int hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they're behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation that's the truth: He's just not that into me."

"Bad boys are bad because they're troubled, as in having little self-respect, lots of pent-up anger, loads of self-loathing, complete lack of faith in any kind of loving relationship."

"Bad boys are actually bad."

"If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start 'figuring him out' please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is."

"Cut your losses and don't waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it? Fine. Here's the answer you're looking for, 'Hang in there, baby. He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!' But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship."

"Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just THAT crazy! Bullshit. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing it is almost impossible NOT to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. We ma try to make you think differently, but we men are just like you. We like taking a break from our generally mundane day to talk to someone we like. It makes us happy. And we like to be happy, just like you. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you."

"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life."

"Don't let the 'honeys' and the 'babys' fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than 'I'm just not that into you.' Remember, actions speak louder than, 'There's no cell reception where I am right now.'"

"Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside."

"I don't want to be 'sort of dating' someone. I don't want to be 'kinda hanging out' with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me."

"Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted. And when you do move on and find your right person, believe me, you're not going to wish you had gotten to spend more time with Stinky the Time-Waster or Freddy Can't -Remember-to-Call."

"Love cures commitment-phobia."

I'm resting my hat on this last one. Regarding me, myself, and I.

Off track

In the beginning of the month I mentioned the drawing of a line. I mentioned being fed up with the guys that were in my life. I was ready for something real, I was letting them know, and then I was letting them go. Movin' on and movin' up.

Yet here I am once again perplexed and somewhat annoyed with these two guys.

Jimmy is obviously still around because he said he wanted a chance at something real. I always give a second chance. Especially when I'm the one who caused the damage that ended the first chance anyway. And I really like him and that's reason enough. But let me be real with myself, I've had my doubts about that boy since day one. I've doubted his sincerity and his intentions.

Ken? No excuses. He should have long since been shipped off to the land of the lost boys because I'm just not that into him.

Chalk it up to the fact that I'm frustrated with Jimmy and I, but when Ken called yesterday to see how I had been and asked if I'd meet him for a drink, I said yes. We agreed to meet at 8pm at a place between us both. Oh, why the hell not. Well, apparently, good reason.

He had wanted to meet at 8:30, I felt that was late so he suggested 7:30. He called me as he was leaving the gym around 5:30, I was leaving work. He said he'd try not to be late. I got a hunch that he had things to do. I told him we could do it another time if he couldn't make it that early, I just didn't want to make it a late night. He insisted that he wanted to see me that night so he'd make it work.

He texted me every hour after that to "see how I was making out." Is this some kinda progress report? I joked, since he's a teacher. But seriously, how are we on time? How are you making out? At 6pm, then 7pm, I mean, come on bud. Anxious much?

Sure enough The Ex's radar went off and he called while I was getting ready. I told him what I was doing. He didn't like it, I could tell. He told me to be careful and not to do anything stupid. As if I was in some sort of danger.

I hadn't heard from Jimmy all day so I called him en route in an attempt to avoid receiving a phone call while I was with Ken that I would have to ignore. He didn't answer. Oy vey.

I then shot a text over to Ken to let him know I was on my way. Basically, I hate waiting, plan accordingly. I got to our meeting place at about ten minutes to eight, and called Ken. No answer. I waited. At five after eight I got a text, "On my way." Are you kidding me? He lives at least 20 minutes away. WTF. I'm not even that into this guy, could care less that I hadn't talked to him in a week, and now here I am sitting in a parking lot waiting for his ass. I could've been home curled up in bed with the boys finishing my book that's getting seriously good. I texted him back, "Jeez, guess you really meant 8:30, huh." At 8:20 he called.

Ken: You're gonna kill me
Me: Oh god, why.
Ken: I was fighting with my brother so I left late, then I ran outta gas and had to push my car to the gas station. I think I left my wallet at the gym, (this guy is the most forgetful person I've ever met, seriously. He does this shit all the time). I put $4 in my tank.
Me: Where are you now?
Ken: 695 (which I knew meant he just got on the road to meet me).

I immediately started my car and started backing out of the parking spot. Eff this.

Me: Well, let's just do this another time. All signs are pointing to the fact that that's the best idea. (I barely am interested. You forgot your wallet, i.e. you have no money. I'm not picking up the tab, bub).
Ken: But you're already there. I'm on my way. I really want to see you.
Me: We can do it another time. (Psh, maybe).
Ken: I'm so sorry. I'm so mad at myself. You're mad aren't you? I'd be mad. Ugh, grr, blah.
Me: It's cool, another time.
Ken: Well come to my place!
Me: Nah, not tonight.
Ken: Why not?
Me: Because I'm already on my way home.
Ken: I could come to yours!
Me: Nah, another time. Meeting for a drink to catch up would've been okay but I'm not trying to hang out late or anything. Maybe another time. (Stress maybe).

He tried to linger on the phone. I wasn't up for small talk. I told him I had to go, and I drove home. Pissed.

The reality hit me that Jimmy hadn't even called me back. I felt so alone. I wanted to cry but couldn't. I wanted to drive around and listen to sappy music and smoke cigarettes but I had no cigarettes and didn't want to waste my gas. So I just drove home. Pissed. Mostly at myself.

I took off my freshly applied makeup, replaced my changed outfit for sweats, got a glass of water, and headed to my bed to read while America's Funniest Videos played in the background. I gave the boys lots of lovin' because they never let me down.

The Ex sent me a text:

The Ex: If you're not home you should be thinking about wrapping it up soon, tomorrow is gonna come quick. Be careful and don't do anything dumb. xoxox
Me: Thanks, Dad.

I didn't want to let him know that the plans fell through. It would've given him too much satisfaction.

The Ex: Anytime, when are you going home?
Me: Soon.
The Ex: How soon?
Me: Soon, goof! What's with all the questions, writing a book?
The Ex: Maybe, where are you at?
The Ex: How long are you going to be there?

Okay, this was getting ridiculous. I'm not sending a good message if I respond to every one of his texts while I'm supposed to be out with another guy. Plus, I started thinking that he was probably sending me all of these texts full of nonsense just to have me reaching for my phone continuously, therefore, annoying the shit out of Ken. (Which it would've had I been out with him).

Me: Now you're just being a brat. I see what you're doing slick.
The Ex: I miss you, can't you tell? What am I doing?
The Ex: I'll leave you alone. Have fun, be careful. I was just thinking about you. xoxoxoxoxox

I couldn't fight it any longer so I called Jimmy again. He didn't answer. But this time, he called me right back. He's been studying so much he said. The EMT test at the academy is kicking his ass. He hates test, books, studying. He's nervous he's not going to pass. All he's been doing is studying. I could hear in his voice how exhausted he was. The sound was familiar. "You miss me?" he said.

Me: I do, and I think you may have been right long ago when you said you didn't think you had the time to be talking to someone. (I hadn't planned on bringing this up at this time but it just came out).
Jimmy: Whatever, I'll talk to you later.
Me: What do you mean you'll talk to me later? No.
Jimmy: You say it like there's somebody else!
Me: How in the world did I say it like there's somebody else?? (Seriously, where in the world did that come from)?
Jimmy: That's not fair, you know I've been trying so hard at the academy, it's been so hard and I'm so tired.

I cut him off

Me: I know, I know, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. I'm just saying, I know you're busy and tired and maybe you just don't have the time. It's okay.
Jimmy: Let me study some more and I'll call you back in a little bit.

I thought for sure he wouldn't call me back but an hour later he did. We just talked. He told me about his tests. He told me how hard it all was for him. I told him about work and my friends. I didn't bring up the other subject again. I thought we'd just talk for a bit, and we did.

After we got off the phone I couldn't stop thinking about our short conversation on the subject I've spent almost a week thinking about. What did his reaction mean? Did he call back just to talk because he was trying to show me he wanted to make an effort to make time? Is he just worried I'm going to see someone else so he's stringing me along? I texted him. "Good night, I do miss you...just not sure you have the time to be talking to someone. If that's the case you can tell me, I'll understand. No hard feelings..." I'm sure he was sleeping by then so no response.

After I got out of the shower this morning I grabbed my phone to turn on the internet radio I like to listen to while I get ready for work and saw that I had three missed calls. Hmm, odd. They were all Jimmy. Yay! He saw my text and wanted to talk! He had left a voice mail, so I listened.
Negative. Nothing about the text. Apparently he had a bad morning with his dog that he's been thinking about giving away now that he just doesn't have the time for him.

Can you believe The Ex wants to take the dog? It could just be one of his sneaky ways to get close. Who can decipher the inner workings of The Ex's brain, not I. Jimmy was 100% against giving the dog to The Ex. He looked at me like I had five heads when I brought it up. Guess he's desperate. So he was calling because he wanted me to find out of my ex was serious about taking the dog because he just has had enough. Text him and let him know because he's going into class. Hmph.

Cherry on the sundae

Because I traded sleep for tossing and turning over the status of Jimmy and I Sunday night, I was exhausted all day yesterday at work. So much so that I skipped the gym. (Though skipping the gym might have been slightly more appealing than normal considering I was also side-stepping any confrontation with the ex-hair cutting personal trainer. I hoped he'd call me yesterday since he didn't see me at the gym and I could let him down over the phone rather than in person. No such luck. Looks like tonight's the night. Ugh).

I had decided in my head that I would mention something to Jimmy when the time was right, hopefully that night. Then, he threw a wrench in my plan.

He called me when he got out of work to tell me how things were going, say hi, say he missed me. Then, he told me how some guy he didn't know came up to him at work the night before asking him if he knew me. Jimmy said yes, and then the guy went on to say things like, yea, I heard you two were dating, and other invasive questions, blah, blah, mother effing blah. Jimmy said the guy kept fishing for information so in turn, he just played if off saying we were cool and lived in the same development. (As if we were nothing!)

Immediately I knew who "the guy" was. It was The Ex's cousin James. James had called while I was at The Ex's visiting the day before and had said he was going to the place where Jimmy worked that night. I told Jimmy who the guy was, that it was The Ex's cousin. He knew it was someone attached to me in a way like that, someone I had dated or was trying to date me, something, that's why he played if off. I agreed. As in, well played.

It wasn't until after we hung up that I thought about it some more. Then I was upset. Why wouldn't you just say yes, we're dating? Why act like it's nothing? I felt embarrassed. I've told The Ex how I like this guy and now his cousin is going to report back to him that the guy acted like I was nothing. My mind switched to being consumed with why he had reacted in that way and I couldn't stop thinking about it. If it were for a negative reason he wouldn't have told me about the exchange at all, right? I felt wretched. And that turned into what I was going to ask him when I talked to him next.

So, I skipped the gym and planned on going home, making dinner, and then finishing my most recent book so as to avoid any late charges at the library. I had gone online yesterday to renew two books I hadn't gotten to yet, and attempted to renew the third I was currently reading since I still had a little over 200 pages left and only two days until it was due back. Can you believe that they wouldn't let me renew it because of the number of holds people had put on it? Immediately I felt the pressure to finish, and asap. How could I return a book without finishing it? Not to be heard of. No worries, I finished it yesterday with time to spare. I work so well under pressure.

Just as I finished putting honey mustard marinade on my chicken breasts and popped 'em onto my Foreman grill (love the Foreman), The Ex called. I answered, prepared to hear the dirt on his cousin's side of the confrontation. I swear, that family.

The Ex: What are you doing?
Me: Just making dinner.
The Ex: Well, stop! Come down to Tony's (his other cousin) we just got some steaks and we're gonna cook out, Jess (Tony's wife) will be there too.

No mention of Jimmy and the exchange. Regardless, I wasn't feeling up for it. I was tired and on top of that, newly depressed. It was an all around blah day. Socializing was the furthest thing from my mind. But, in true form, The Ex used his powers of persuasion to change my mind.

When I'm upset my initial reaction is to hole up in my apartment and feel sorry for myself. Jimmy had soccer, he'd be out most of the night, I was just going to sit there and stew. Probably better to get out. Plus, he offered to fill up my gas tank if I'd drive him back to his mom's after dinner and let's be serious, gas is freaking expensive. So I finished cooking my chicken, put it in tupperware to take to lunch the next day, and went.

Jimmy called me while I was en route. I told him I was going to a cook out, (so true), and crossed my fingers in the hopes he wouldn't ask whose so I wouldn't have to lie, and he didn't. So I just came out with it and asked why he had acted like him and I weren't talking when he was asked.

Jimmy: What do you mean? (Classic stalling answer).

I rephrased the question.

Jimmy: It was none of his business. I didn't know him. He just comes up to me and asks me if I know you and I could tell that he was digging for info. He was either a guy that was trying to talk to you, an ex, or knew an ex and I didn't want to tell him anything. It was none of his business.

Hmmm....

There was nothing much I could say to that. That was his answer, so I said okay and closed the subject. I didn't feel any better. He was heading to soccer, had three chapters to read that night for the academy the next day. He asked me to call him later. We hung up. My eyes actually teared up a bit. Yea, I know.

Dinner was delicious. Worth the trip. We ate out on the deck, drank a few, and caught up. It was nice, not gonna lie. The Ex and I left around 10pm. On the drive, I told him about the recent events with Jimmy. He says he knows guys like that. In that environment (a bar) his initial reaction is to act unattached. Why wouldn't he have just said yes? He doesn't trust the kid. I take into account the source, but at the same time, I knew he was right.

I had to help The Ex into the house, crutches an' all, so it was a given that I'd come in. We hung out for a bit. I played with his dog. I'm a sucker for dogs. He tried to get me to spend the night. He tried to kiss me. I let him cuddle with me a bit, but nothing more. "Wow, you really like this guy," he said. And I do, but it was more than that. There was no part of me that wanted to stay with him. That wanted to cuddle with him that night. I wanted to go home. Even at 12:30am when I would've gotten more sleep had I just stayed, I wanted to drive the 25 minutes south to my apartment. And I did.

I didn't call Jimmy that night. I texted him while I was at The Ex's cousin's house (shortly after we had talked), Basically saying that I felt as though he made it seem like we were friends because he didn't want anyone to know he was talking to someone. He didn't respond. There are times he says he doesn't get my texts, but I don't think this was the case this time. Shit, it may never be the case. I'm starting to think this kid is all excuses. So obviously, I didn't call him.

He called me this morning at 7am. On his way to the academy. I didn't answer. I didn't call back. I don't plan on it. I'm hoping he's calling because he wants to talk about the text I sent, but I'm pretty sure he just wants to know what time I got in last night. If I got home last night. All he seems to want is to keep tabs on me.

It's definitely time for a talk.

Left wanting more

I woke up at around 3am last night and for the life of me, I couldn't go back to sleep. My mind just kept going. Could I not sleep because my mind wouldn't stop or would my mind not stop because I couldn't sleep? I'm not sure. I know that it was thoughts of Jimmy that were occupying my mind. He's the first thing I think of every time I wake up, whether it be in the middle of the night or the morning. He is who I'm thinking of when I check my phone to see if I have any missed calls or texts, always hopeful.

What monopolized my mind were thoughts of talking to him about us. What should I say, should I say anything, is it too soon, should I wait a little longer?

It's been a week and a couple days since he said he was grown, ready, and asked if I'd be willing to give him another shot. Not that long, I know. Factor in that Monday was his first day in the fire fighter's academy, and there's no mystery as to why he's been exhausted working two jobs. The academy has been a major adjustment. I know working until 2am Fri, Sat, and Sun at his second job takes a toll on top of that. I guess I've just wanted this for what feels like forever and having him say he wanted the same thing had me wanting it even more. And wanting it right away.

I'll give it to him, the spare time that he does have that isn't spent sleeping, seems to be time he tries to spend with me. He's not going out with his friends. He's not just hanging out anywhere. He calls me everyday. When something major happens that makes him upset or worried, he calls me. I'm that call.

This weekend was the first weekend since we've decided to "see what happens." On Friday he worked from 7am-4pm at the academy then had to go directly to his second job where he worked from 4pm until 2am. He texted me while working his second job and said that he missed me and hopes I know that and he couldn't wait to see me soon. He called me on his way home from his second job but it was 2am, I was in bed, and didn't really talk to him.

On Saturday after going to the gym he came to the pool with me. How he even woke up at a decent hour after a Friday like that, I have no idea. I'm tired just thinking of his schedule. He had to leave to go to his second job at 3:30. Not much time. We went back to his place, took a shower (and stuff), and then took a nap together with his phone alarm set so he could get up and go to work. I had dinner plans with my friend and needed to head home to get ready anyway. He called me at 8pm from work to see what I was doing and let me know how great earlier was and he couldn't stop thinking about it. Then again around 10ish when he's not supposed to talk on the phone at all. I put it out there and said I'd like to stay with him that night. He said if he wasn't too tired. Not the answer I wanted. And he did call me when he got home, but he didn't mention my coming over or him coming to me, so neither did I.

So I understand he's so busy and tired, but that was the gist of the time we spent together this weekend. And that's not enough for me.

I'm contemplating giving him an out (one I hope he does not take). Just asking if he felt he was right long ago when he said he was so busy and didn't have the extra time to be seeing someone. Is it too quick to jump to that? Should I wait a while and let him get used to the academy? I don't want to be an added pressure. That's why I rarely call him. I let him call me. For the most part I don't ask to see him, I let him come to me. But it's difficult. I feel myself holding back and biting my tongue because I want more. I just remember how I felt when Ken would tell me he wanted more. Ugh, it was a pain in the ass. It pushed me away. I don't want to do that. I would never go about it the way Ken did, but I also don't want to go about it in a way that makes it sound like I don't care (which I always manage to do with guys). I also don't want him to be feeling for me what I felt for Ken.

It all comes down to the fact that I really like him. I don't want his answer to be yes, it seems I just don't have the time, sorry. I don't want that. Should I really ask a question on the basis that I'm only hoping to receive one answer? If I'm going to get a different answer then I don't want to say anything. I'm just torn. I feel like a stupid schoolgirl. Pathetic. Hmph.

In other news, the ex-haircutting personal trainer at my gym called yesterday in an attempt to make our dinner plans. My strategy was to answer when he called and just tell him that I had been seeing someone and recently has gotten serious, sorry, bad timing. This is strictly because I'm not interested in him, it has nothing to do with Jimmy. Swear. Unfortunately, I missed his call. He left me the longest voice mail in the history of voice mails, but ended saying he'd be at the gym tonight. Great. Now I've got to do it in person. I hate confrontation.

I would've called him a back last night, but I went to visit The Ex at his mother's since he recently had surgery and has been and will be laid up for quite a while, and I was there when he had called. Again, there is no emotion attached to seeing him but I still get jealous when he tells me that his ex came up and visited him the night before and spent the night. Why do I get jealous if I don't have feelings for him? I say nothing by the way, I just feel it internally and curse myself for it. I have love for him but it feels like a family-type love. It's all very odd. It was nice to hang out with him and his mom. Mostly his mom. I miss his family. She still has a picture of him and I in a frame in the living room on the bookshelf where all of her children and their significant others are framed. Why not the most recent ex? I like that it was me, not gonna lie. Bad picture, one of us I took myself while we were in Punta Cana, but it was us so I was happy. I win! I commented on it to him, he said he had to turn it around when his ex came over the night before. I got jealous again. I stayed for dinner and that was it. No biggie.

As soon as I got in my car to leave I thought of Jimmy again.

Why can't there be guarantees in life?

Total distress

July 31, 2008

I’m just going to let it happen. Clearly I’m not finished. He probably isn’t too right? I had sex with Jimmy last night. I hope he’s not just using me for sex out of sheer convenience. I hope I’m not being naïve by feeling as though he genuinely likes me. Am I just being foolish and ignoring the signs because I like him so much? Maybe. I can’t help but be hooked on him. I fell for him and I can’t get back up. I’m single so I’m technically not hurting anyone. Unless you count the fact that I’m still talking to Ken (technically), and haven’t’ updated him on Jimmy and my status. Nor have I updated Jimmy on Ken and my status. At two separate points I thought I was done with both of them. Since then, I've hooked up with Ken (last Saturday) and have sorta been talking to him again. And at one point Jimmy and I got into a fight and he said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore and at that point I told Ken. Since then (the very next day), Jimmy took it all back and called me and we’ve been talking again…and hooked up last night. So basically, I’m back to talking to both of them…and hooking up with both of them? Ugh. I don’t want to be doing that. I’d like to look at it like before Jimmy and I hooked up, I hooked up with Ken. It happened, but before Ken I had hooked up with Jimmy, and before that The Ex, John, etc. Not like I’m doing it simultaneously. Obviously I am more concerned about making things work with Jimmy (for some reason), and now that we’ve had sex I plan on keeping away from Ken physically. I will talk to him. Shit, he drunk dialed/texted me four times last night. It sucks because it seems Ken feels for me what I feel for Jimmy.

I just can’t read Jimmy. He made a good point yesterday when he said that when you try to be with girls, they’re not interested. They don’t like it. As soon as you stop trying, they want to be with you. That’s exactly what happened with the two of us. I can’t deny that to him. So I agreed, yes, it’s true. We do. But. If I weren’t interested than this whole thing would’ve just went away. Now I feel like if you did try again or come at me like that, I would want it. I’d want you too. He is stubborn and stuck on not trying anymore. At least that is what he says. I can’t tell where his mind is, what he’s thinking about me and what he’s thinking about us. Part of me feels like he is just afraid, scared and/or too stubborn to give it a shot. The other part thinks I’m looking way too much into it and the truth is just that he was into me, then we had sex, and he wasn’t anymore. And now, since I live near him and obviously still like him, why not play games, fuck around, and have sex with me? I hope that’s not it but I might just be ignoring that because I don’t want to believe it. I definitely don’t want to believe it, that’s for sure. But is it right in front of my face and I just can’t see it because I don’t want to? I’ll never really, truly know. All I can do is decide what I want and not worry so much about his intentions unless I have solid proof that he is using me or he disrespects me and starts to treat me poorly. I will not and cannot be blind to that. Until then, I am single and I am incredibly attracted to this guy. I like him.

I just hate how I sell my short with him. I deserve more than he gives me. I really do. I know that. I let him get away with not treating me up to par because I like him, but why? Why do I let this 23-year-old boy get away with the bare minimum? I don’t like that I do that yet at the same time I can’t stop allowing it to happen. I think I need to stop that, at least. I need to stop making it so easy for him. I need to make him work for it a little bit more at least. I am a 27-year-old attractive woman who many guys would be ecstatic to have a chance to be with. Who go to great lengths to be with me. I can’t just let a kid have it for free. Shit, I’ve had a marriage proposal and another guy ask me to move in with him just this month!

Okay, so new plan. Yes, I had sex with him last night. But, from this point forward he needs to make an effort and come to me. I will not be calling him. He will be calling me. I will not tell him of any other guys because although that makes him jealous and keeps him on his toes, that also pisses him off and makes him act our or, “get even.” I don’t need anymore set backs. I’m just going to be going about my life and keep telling him what I have been…that I’m done with guys! Let’s see if I can actually do it this time.

God, why have I had this ridiculous kindergarten crush for three months now?

I can’t shake it, damn it, I can’t. Over and over I feel like I’ve reached the point where I am done, finished. Then days go by and the old feelings resurface and I see that I’m not at all done. I won’t be done until the feelings stop resurfacing. My mind is ready to be done, but something else is not. I refuse to say my heart, ugh. The good news is that I’m pretty sure each time the feelings come back they are less strong. If we keep going at this rate, hopefully the time will come that the feelings do not come back is sooner rather than later. Little by little they are widdled away. Of course the second they are gone will the same second that he’ll decide to start trying the way I’ve wanted him to all along. Of course by then it will be too late, as always, and I’ll have to fight it. Or worse, I won’t even care.