Sweet, sweet pickle

So as mentioned in my last post, I've made my realization that I am ready for something real. The BBD (Bigger, Better Deal).

I'm ready to take something and someone seriously. It is due time to clear out the bullshit and make room for the realness. No more, eh, why not go out with him? From now on, I'm not going out with someone unless I significantly want to. Unless I actually see myself with this person down the road, at least in a dating sense. The, "a girls' gotta eat" motto I've been living by for the past 2 years is officially going out the window. And with that, once I've realized I don't see myself with said person, I will be moving on leaving them behind. No more worries about remaining friends, cordial, etc. No more baggage. Traveling light is the goal.

This comes on the heels of being sick and tired, tired and sick, time and time again with the guys I've been dealing with lately. Hanging out with my very best, oldest friend and her boyfriend who have a great relationship has also helped me see that I'm ready for something like what they have. Pepper in the fact that this past Friday, August 15, was my official 2-year Independent Anniversary. Yup, it had been 2 years to the day since I moved out of the house I had shared with The Ex. It hit me that I've been fucking around for the past 2 years. I'm putting my big girl pants on.

So that brings me to the events of this past weekend. Saturday my best and oldest friend and I decide to go out to dinner and drinks, something that has been long overdue. I rarely get that girl outta house, so armed with my new and improved attitude and her by my side, I was pretty darn excited. I had $100 to expense at any restaurant, a gift given to me by my company for putting in 3 years, and if we couldn't eat that $100 then by god we were gonna drink it. I bought a hot new top that would definitely go with my favorite gold heels. Perfect outfit in mind I was set.

So the best place to eat (and drink) and easily rack up $100 is the lovely hot spot that Jimmy just so happens to work weekends at. She hadn't been out in forever and this hot summer spot wouldn't be open much longer with the season quickly coming to an end, so that is where we set off. Can't lie, I was excited to strut around in front of Jimmy because, gotta say, I looked hot.

It was a gorgeous summer night so clearly we weren't alone in thinking it would be a great idea to sit outside by the water and have dinner. Needless to say, we had to wait for an outside table. We went to the outdoor deck to get a drink or two while we waited. As we casually walked onto the deck, there was Jimmy who reached out and grabbed me as I walked by and pulled me in for a big hug. It was all over his face what he thought when he saw me. How easy men are to read sometimes, I swear. Well, I was completely casual. He was all over it, introducing me to the guys he works with (obviously trying to show off that he knew me), asking when I was going to come see his dog who "misses me terribly," and complimenting how great I looked. (I had even laid out at the pool for a couple hours earlier that day so I'd have a fresh brown tan...I was wearing white shorts and a cream top with gold accessories. Glowing).

I was definitely enjoying waltzing around looking good in a see-what-you-gave-up way, and totally expected him to have that reaction. What I didn't expect was the extent of his reaction. After we were seated at our table, about to order, a guy with a basket of roses came over and handed me a red rose and my friend a pink rose. I looked at him stumped. The man then motioned behind him (clearly he didn't speak a lick of English), and as I followed his look I saw Jimmy on the other side of the bar waving. Presh. I then received a text.

Jimmy: "Oh my God you look really good tonight. I just don't know why I wouldn't try with
you, but I do like you. I think it's that I really don't think you like me, you just say you do."
Me: "Thanks, and thanks for the roses. I did like you, I tried remember? Bad timing I guess. It's cool though.
Jimmy: Well, would you be willing to talk to me again?

I had no idea what to say. My friend had hundreds of ideas, all complete with hurdles and hoops he must jump through before he'd be worthy. I knew I'd never make him do any of those things. Shortly after the last text he came over to our table to talk for a bit, bringing yet another friend to introduce me to. Funny. He asked if I got his text and I said that I had. I was totally playing it cool. He then left us to our appetizer. Finally I responded.

Me: I would but I'm not going to be the one trying. You were acting like a jerk for a while. Why the sudden change of mind?
Jimmy: I am grown up and ready now to start.
Me: Well, we can see what happens.

He went on texting me throughout the night saying things like how he has missed me and more about how good I looked. I loved it. I really did. Did I finally get what I had wanted for so long? All it took is for me to stop, give up, and then put myself in his vision? The thought was definitely running through my mind that this kid is an out of sight out of mind type guy and hadn't thought about me at all until I showed up at his work looking fabulous and so he decided he wanted me. Of course once I was no longer there he wouldn't. That he meant it then but didn't mean it indefinitely.

I can't help that I still like him so much, so I put that thought out of my mind temporarily. I decided I'd just go with it. I owe it to myself considering the feelings I have for him that clearly I just can't kick. I stand by the fact that I will not be the one trying anymore. But how fabulous would it be if were finally on the same page? Part of me thinks he has just been afraid all along. Maybe he really is ready, maybe.

My friend and I finished our dinner and stayed for a few hours after before we moved onto another bar around 11:30 to do some serious, much overdue dancing. He wanted me to come to his place and "cuddle" once I got home. He'd be getting off early and would stay up and wait for me. He texted and called me while I was out and I just told him to go to sleep. He was tired. I wasn't going home early, I was having a blast with my girlfriend. I didn't want it to be that easy for him anyway.

Another friend of mine and I headed back there on Sunday for lunch. She's much younger (I actually used to babysit her!), and she was heading to college the next day. It was our going away lunch. I was taking her to an "adult" place I knew she'd love. I know, I was not oblivious to the fact that I was going there twice in one weekend but I swear it had nothing to do with him. These were two things planned out way in advance and just so happened to fall on the same weekend. Trust me, I was embarrassed by this. But still, I did see him again. He was sweet as anything again.

My friend wound up spending the night that night so we couldn't see each other later. He had asked. I'm kind of glad I was unavailable. I don't want to be available to him at the drop of a hat, simply because he decided to change his mind and was ready. (Though I did just 3 days earlier tell him I was ready). But he did walk his dog to my apartment and ask me to come outside to see him for a minute. I did, we talked, we kissed. He asked if I was his baby. Instantly I turn to mush once again. I couldn't be happier to say yes. I asked if he meant all the things he had said the night before. He said of course he did, he wouldn't have said them if he didn't. We kissed more. Mmmm. He came back around past my place on his way home and I went out. We kissed more. Oh, crushing so badly. Shamelessly crushing.

That night I dreamed of him. I kept waking up and asking myself if the things he had said had really happened or not, and then was happy to think that it really had. This is how freaking seriously I like him. Sheer craziness. I could barely sleep just so I could wake myself up to remind myself that it is real. Disgusting, I know.

Yesterday was his first day in the academy (he just got accepted into the fire department, could he GET any hotter?). He called me at his lunch break to let me know how it was going. Again, warms my heart. He asked if we could cuddle that night, I said maybe. I called him when I got out of work, he didn't answer, and then I headed into the gym. I worked out for a little over an hour. He called me twice while I was in the gym. I called him once I got out and immediately he did the, "Where are you?" The gym! "Meeting guys at the gym?" Ugh. I hate that he assumes that I meet guys at the gym, (although, his thoughts are warranted because guys do hit on me at the gym and I had even given my number out that day to a personal trainer. I'll get to that shortly). He wanted to come by. How long would it be until I was home? I told him I had to walk the dog, make dinner, all of that but he could come by after. I called him around 8:30 when I was done walking the dog, no answer. I never heard from him again last night. Did he just fall asleep? Doubt it at 8:30.

I'm just always left feeling confused. Maybe I was right and he only said the things he said because he thought I looked good that night. Otherwise, it's out of sight out of mind for that kid. Or, was he pissed that I didn't answer when I was at the gym and was getting me back? He's so spiteful like that. Hate it. I really just don't know. I dreamed of him last night too. This time though, I dreamed that he came into my bedroom on his way into work and hugged me to say he was sorry for not calling me back last night. I dreamed that when I woke I had an apology text and a phone call. In reality, I woke to nothing. And still nothing. It's noon, lunchtime break for him, and nothing. I feel wretched. I want him to call. I want to hear from him and have him give me a reason that makes it all better.

In other news, The Ex has freaking radar. He called me last night to say hi (also while I was in the gym). I had wanted to let him know about the changes with Jimmy and I anyway. The Ex broke his ankle. He needs to have surgery. He wants me to take care of him. I told him about Jimmy and how his timing couldn't be worse. I've gotta shape up just in case this thing is for real. I'm not trying to do anything to fuck it up. At least for a certain grace period to wait this thing out. Sorry bud, you can't stay here. I'm not taking care of you.

After telling him about Jimmy, he told me to be careful. As if he should be providing advice to me regarding my love life. He knows how bad I have it for Jimmy, he can tell. After we got off the phone he texted me just to tell me how much he loves me. Jeez. I just laugh off these comments. I said, "Wow, you really want someone to take care of you, huh!" He went on to say how he wants me to, I know how much he loves me and when are we going to give it another try? I just told him, again, with the bad timing. He says that he thinks it is going to happen naturally with time. He can think that all he wants but honestly, I have no desire to profess any type of love to him. I think it's officially gone in that way. I couldn't be happier about that.

On another totally separate note (sorta). The personal trainer at the gym who complimented me my hair cut because "he used to cut hair" that I've been chatting without a care with because, duh, he has to be gay, apparently is not. Nope, definitely straight. How do I know? Whelp, he asked me out to dinner last night while I was working on my lats. Fabulous. I have an inability to turn people down, even when I know I ultimately, will do just that. I just feel so bad. I've been talking to him for days just casually, being nice, thinking he wasn't interested. Totally wrong. Damn it. How am I so naive, time and time again? Didn't I learn anything from Ken who always told me that guys aren't my friends, they just want to fuck me? (Harsh right? That's seriously how he put it.)

Ugh, I gave the ex-hair-cutting personal trainer my number. While I'm giving it to him I'm literally thinking of how I'm going to get out of this. I can't stop going to this gym, no way. I can't stop coming. I can't ignore his calls because I'll see him at the gym. I'm going to have to actually come up with a legitimate excuse. I'll just tell him I had been dating someone and it just got serious. Sorry, bad timing. I'll let it down easy. The only other issue I have is there is a trainer at the gym I had been eying for weeks. Pretty sure once it gets out that I gave my number to Larry the ex-hair cutter, I'll never have a chace with the hot trainer. And if that fact doesn't do it, my fake reason surely will. Jeez. Leave it to me. A pickle for sure. Sweet.

The B.B.D.

August 11, 2008

The Bigger, Better Deal. Bring it on. I'm ready for it. I'm ready to get excited about someone. I'm ready to fall for someone instead of being excited that someone is falling for me. I'm through with being flattered, I want to be swept away.

I guess it's natural for me to want to relay this info to the two guys that are currently inhabiting my life (and my cell phone) because 1. When I meet Mr. Right I don't want him to peace out once he looks around and sees all these Mr. Wrongs hanging around and 2. I might just want one of them to step up and fill the shoes of Mr. Right.

I've been waiting for the opportune moment to tell Jimmy, actually, not even the opportune moment, just a moment in general. I want to make it a point to tell him I've discovered what I want as if he is going to want anything to do with it. What do I think he is going to do, change? Act differently? Suddenly realize he wants the same thing and we'll proceed to ride off into the sunset? (Yes). I'm pretty sure he wants one thing and it's not the same thing I want. I need to face that. I need to keep telling myself this until myself allows it to sink in for a decent length of time. I need it to stick.

Of course I tell Ken my revelation and immediately he is ready to fill the shoes. He wants to be that guy. He believes he is that guy. Such confidence. And what does he do? Ask me if I'll come over so he can make me dinner and we can talk. What did Jimmy do when I started to tell him? I say started because I didn't even finish before he cut me off and said he had to go. Seriously. That was a blow. That hurt. I felt it through me.

I know I'm feeling restless emotionally when I write a lot (mostly about nothing) and search for comfort in quotes, i.e. someone much smarter than I saying things I can relate to. I try to hold onto the quotes like, "Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you." And it just makes me wonder what is it about me that makes him not remain interested. Reading quotes about just make me think of him. I can't possibly love him. The feelings I have for him are so reminiscent of the feelings I had for John when I was 16, 17, 18. He's the John of 2008. And you know how good that turned out.

I hate how my hands start to shake when I know I'm going to see him. My whole body shakes sometimes but my hands are the worst. I get a nauseous feeling in my stomach. I'd call them butterflies but butterflies sound too sweet and nice. There's nothing sweet and nice about these things. I think about him almost all the time. Definitely at least once a day. Even more so I hate that I have no concrete reason as to why I have these feelings. None. And all I want is to forget about him. All I want is something good and something real and I just don't think I will find it within him.

Mother Theresa once said, "If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive." Does that mean that before I love another I must forgive The Ex or does that just mean that if I ever wanted to love The Ex again I'd need to forgive him? Hmm.

Other's that have got me thinking are...

"Don't seek the because--in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions."
And that makes me feel wretched. It can't be love.

"I didn't want it to mean that much to me." The simplest quote that embodies exactly how I feel and have been feeling for longer than I'm willing to admit.

"I want to be free of you...the way you, obviously, are free of me." I couldn't want that more.

"They say our loves are shaped not by those who love us but by those who refuse to love us." Hello? Yea, my life for the past 2 months has definitely been shaped by this bullshit.

"Maybe I'm not supposed to be over him. I mean, look at how many times I've tried. Maybe there's a reason it's not working." I hate quotes like these because they make me feel like I'm doing the right thing by holding on and need to keep on when my whole being wants to stop. I can't pinpoint that part that won't stop but something is holding on, disagreeing and that part is the bigger more influential part because it is governing all.

"She will chase you around for a while; but there's going to be a day when she's going t stop running in circles around you. She's going to get over you and at that very moment you're going to wish you had let her catch you." This one I fear the most. I hate when it happens and inevitably it does. I have said to myself and three others at least that I'm ready for something real, something good. I've been taking nothing and no one seriously for the past two years, and I do not regret this fact, I needed it. But I am finished with it. I'm ready to be serious. I'm ready to fall for someone who is also falling for me. I want something real. I want something good. I will probably find that and then have Jimmy come cruising back in.

"What appears to be the end is really a new beginning." That's what I need to focus on. This new beginning that I've decided that I want. I'm in no rush for it to happen, I'm just ready and open for it. The B.B.D.

Then I see things like, "If it didn't really matter you wouldn't spend so much time thinking about it." I spend more time thinking about that boy than anything else.

"Ask me why I keep loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you." I hate the word love being sprinkled in there, I'd rather say "like." But that's true to how I feel now regardless.

And then random things happen. I think to myself, if only he knew how good it could be...how he's selling himself short. And then, immediately after, I see a quote that says, "If he only knew how much I need him." And yesterday while sitting at my desk at work I'm thinking about him (as always) a friend sends me a funny video to watch which turns out to be The Muppets singing a song entitled, "Jimmy Boy." Yea, no joke.

The almost comical thing is that it seems Ken feels for me what I feel for Jimmy and in turn I feel for Ken what Jimmy feels for me. Isn't that how it's supposed to go down in middle school? Haven't we graduated and such? Oy vey.

Ready for the realness

August 10, 2008

I am completely and utterly sick of guys, at least the guys that are currently in my life. I believe the idea that we meet certain people in our lives for a reason. Each person has something to teach or show us. Sometimes they reveal something about ourselves to us. Mirrors. They are all lessons and once the lesson is learned, once they’ve taught or shown us what they are intended to teach or show, we move on; wiser. Until we find the person who is supposed to remain.

Victor taught me not to put up with certain abusive actions. He taught me that a person can be abusive without physically harming you. He showed me the warning signs and he made me realize I should not put up with being treated poorly and should bounce quickly. I learned that lesson the hard way.

The Ex showed me that not all people can live up to there full potential. He showed me that you cannot will someone to change and you cannot help him or her from him or herself. He also taught me that sometimes you have to put you and your happiness first, and that although there was the dream of something and the hope of a future, that future can change and when it has you have to pack up and leave. He taught me how to let go. That was the hardest lesson thus far. A lesson I’m still dealing with.

John taught me that even when there’s passion, there must be something more. He showed me that love sometimes love is not enough and that you cannot settle.

Alan showed me my demons. He helped me see that I hold onto my past like a badge and allow it to hold me back. I lean on it and use it as an excuse when I should never. He let me know that getting over being hurt is a daily struggle, something that you don’t do just once and then move on. It’s something you deal with over and over and you have to do just that. He was the first step in putting my past in the past.

Ken showed me that I have been extremely naïve when it comes to men and their intentions. I believe that all of them just want to be loved, but the truth is, some of them just want me for my body. Some of them are just after one thing and will do/say anything to get it. Ken showed me that body parts govern some men. Yes, I've heard this and known this, but I always believe the good in people and some people just don't have it. He taught me that something things just are what they are, plain and simple. This is something that is difficult to deal with.

Jimmy showed me that, shit, no matter how old you are, you can still get played. I was stupid enough to believe that that was a thing of the past, but no, some guys still think its cool and do it. Every guy I ever dated or slept with always wanted more from me and I was cocky with that assumption. He showed me that although up until this point in my 27 years I may not have been played, does not mean a guy won’t come along and do it and whelp, he did it. He got the best of me and I wont’ be stupid enough to let that happen again.

I guess I’m fed up with guys right now because the most recent lessons I’ve learned from Ken and Jimmy are the most despicable ones. Maybe I’ve always been gullible and naïve and everyone has known this about me but me. Lately I feel like I am being used by all of these guys.

Jimmy calls me when it is convenient for him. It is all about him. I hear from him only if he needs something or has something to tell me. I am here for him. Does he ever ask me about me, my day, my work? No. If I call him at any other time he is completely uninterested.

The Ex is trying to come back into my life but he is lost. He knows that he is lost and I think he thinks that if he were with me than he would find himself. I am now the answer. The Ex is always seeking the answer in another person when the truth is that he needs to find it within himself. If I were to get back with him he would only eventually feel lost and seek to be found in someone else. I am safe though. I am something he knows, something good, and since he doesn’t have me he thinks I am the answer. I’m not. Only he has the answer within himself and until he finds it he will never be happy. Truth be told, I can see him searching for his entire life. Constantly moving on and on through women and circles of friends, never looking within.

I am so disgusted by the awful truth that Ken has shown me that although I know this may be a universal truth, I associate him with that truth. I probably always will and therefore, will never be able to trust him. There's no chance I'll be able to say, "he's different," even if it's just something I chose to tell myself.

The question is, have I learned all the lessons I've needed to learn? Am I officially schooled now? Is there a reason why I’m being faced with all of these trials when it comes to relationships? Is there some sort of plan laid out for me that require me to learn all of these things? I’d like to think so. I know I’m nowhere near perfect and I feel like I did need to learn these lessons. As each layer is revealed I feel the sensation that I have been sheltered. I can’t help but wonder if I could have been perfectly happy meeting someone good without having to learn all of these truths though. I’m sure I needed to, mainly because I am attracted to, and typically go for the bad guy. This is an unhealthy pattern of mine, I know. Something that I need to grow out of and possibly this is the message I’ve been intended to learn all along. Well, I’ve got it. I’ve got it, okay?

I’m tired of the lessons; I’m tired of the bad guys. Haven’t I done my time? I’m a good person.

So with all of these lessons coming full circle, I’ve realized that I’m ready for something real. I’m ready to start something good. I’m tired of this dating game and these awful guys. I’m ready to fall for someone and I’m ready for that someone to be good. My wish at this point, is that someone, somewhere has learned a lesson or two from mine. God knows we can’t live long enough to make all of the mistakes so we’ve got to learn from others. Maybe my mistakes, my trials, my lessons, can save someone a little heartache from learning them for themselves.