July 21, 2008
I keep rationalizing, rehashing, and coming up with different ways that I am going to handle him and the feelings I have for him. I'll do this. That didn't work? OK, now I'll do that. No? Fine, I'm just going to do this. I'm not going to do anything! None of it works. What do you do when no matter what you've tried nothing works? You give up. That's the hardest thing to do. Stop thinking about him; stop seeing him, stop wanting him. It makes no imaginable sense. None.
I thought I was on the right track. I thought I was getting somewhere. What the hell did I think? Who knows? I may just need to let it go and succumb to the fact that it’s never going to be anything. He is just not that into me. I hate to sound stuck up or anything, but I'm just not used to that feeling. I've said it before so I'm not going to say it again.
I really don't think I was imagining the fact that I was getting somewhere. I couldn't have been. I definitely was. He was coming to my work and visiting me. He says things that I feel he wouldn't say if he didn't like me. Right? Why would he care if I meet someone if he doesn't like me? Is it all out of convenience though? Is it all simply because I live in his neighborhood so why not? Probably. I can't believe he's got me like this. I don't remember ever having felt this way about someone, and if I did, I usually got him and then after a few weeks was done. Chew 'em up, spit 'em out.
It's just not enough. I want more. All the time I want more. I hate it. I have no idea what I expect or what exactly I want, but I definitely want more.
Saturday night while I was out a friend, who given, I used to date, said he didn't think Jimmy was on my level. He's probably right.
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