FBL

(Future Boyfriend List)

1. Must be able to make me laugh.
   
2. Passionate about something/has some drive.
   
3. Good job/career.
   
4. Low key/easy going but still knows how to have fun.
   
5. Likes to do stuff/make plans (or goes along with my plans).
6. Adventurous.
7. Has a little edge (reformed bad boys welcome)
8. People person - I can bring him out with my friends/fam and not worry about him.
   

Is that asking for too much? Hell to the no.

A**hole factor

A conclusion has been made, and only after two hours of conversation with my closest friend, (aka my soul twin). Together we pushed, pulled, and trudged through our twisted psyches and a verdict was reached alas. Considering I've been dating for fifteen plus years, two hours ain't half bad. It is not uncommon that as her and I talk things out, one or both of us experience some sort of revelation. In fact, rarely does this fail to occur. Last night definite headway was made. It's like free therapy. Seriously.

The precursor to the convo was a toxic ex trying to claw his way back into my friend's life, (for the fourth time), and her illogical contemplation of it. Also, my simultaneous developing revelations that begged to be shared with a kindred spirit.

It hit me one day while driving, (as thoughts usually do), that I have never been in a relationship with a guy who treated me well. I've dated guys who have treated me well for periods of time, sure. Done nice things for me, yes. But I never kept these guys around for long. I jokingly refer to it as my three month itch. No matter how much I may be into someone in the beginning, how I feel after three months is the ultimate test. The make or break. The ones that make it, the ones I really get involved with, have been the ones who ultimately treated me badly. So I got to thinking about why this is. Why have I never been with someone who was good to me? Consistently good to me. Well, it hasn't happened by chance.

I realized that I've never allowed myself to be in a relationship where a man treated me well. I have let these men treat me poorly; welcomed it and went back countless times for more. Assholes don't just find me, I find them. Everyone meets them. The assholes. Most people discard them. Me? Well, I welcome them, allow them to pull up a chair, make themselves at home, and stay for a bit. In some cases, years. This may not be a conscious choice, but it is still a choice that I myself make. I'm not unlucky while the other girls are lucky to meet the guys that treat them well. I meet the nice guys too I just send them packing for some reason. Usually the reason is that something is missing, there's no connection, or there's not enough physical attraction. What's actually missing? The asshole factor.

I know what you're thinking, we're those girls who like assholes. It's not that cut and dry and it's not something we enjoy. It is so much more then that. Let me attempt to explain.

I'm sure you've heard the saying, "True love is the soul's recognition of it's counterpart in another" (I'm not talking love in all cases but you get the idea). Well that's just what we're dealing with. We recognize in them something that is also in us. We're assholes. Oh yes, we ourselves are proud owners of the asshole factor. We fuck up. A lot. We hurt people, we do things wrong. Some people are straight and narrow, we are not. Some people make normal mistakes, we make epic ones. We have a past speckled with indiscretions and the threat of more in the future, (though I think I'm growing out of it). I refer back to the quote I entered in a post just days ago, and am surprised I didn't realize it then:

"I pair up with these male versions of myself so that I don't have to acknowledge my own fear of making a serious commitment."

So while we're with these guys who wear their asshole status on their sleeves, we feel safe. Yes, it's twisted I agree. The one thing we can count on is that they will mess up. They will hurt us. Then, when we do the same, we won't feel as badly. But the nice guy? The good guy who treats us well? Oh God if we were to hurt him, we couldn't live with ourselves. We don't want to hurt them. We're still assholes and they deserve nice girls.

Armed with this recognition of myself and my part in this matter, I feel so much better. Admitting is the first step, right? Knowing is half the battle, is it not? I realize that the reason guys treat me badly is directly related to my choices (poor as they may be). I have control. I have the power to change this. I may have been saying I want a nice guy, but I don't. Even though I say I'm sick of guys, and wonder why I can't just find a guy like "this" or a guy like "that," I'm making my bed. Voluntarily, though not incredibly consciously (until now). It is valid, I'm sick of guys but what I'm sick of is guys with the asshole factor. I need to check myself.

I had mentioned that I'm raising my standards, and I am. All of these factors are in conjunction with one another and all of them will work together to help me grow out of this stage of my life with guys and be happy, with someone. Because until the asshole factor within myself dies, I won't be ready to take on the nice guy. Here's hoping it jumps off a cliff some time soon.

Really? Wait, really??

Last night, well to be accurate, early this morning my cell phone starts ringing. Really? I was in the middle of a dream. It's a Thursday night. I look at my clock then my phone. 2:11am. Who is it? The fireman. Really?? I am immediately angry. You are calling me at 2 in the morning when you know full well that I work in the morning? Really??

Begin tangent: I failed to note that on Saturday 3/14 I ran into the fireman downtown at a bar while partaking in some St. Paddy festivity celebrating. This was the first time I'd seen him since my last courtesy phone call regarding the health of his grandmother, and my decision to leave well enough alone; that I'd done enough in the ending of all of this. (See 3/1 post). I saw him from afar and immediately attempted the duck and hide. I went off to the ladies room so of course as I'm leaving the restroom and heading back to my people who should I unavoidably pass? The fireman. To be blunt, he was a dick. Clearly his ego had experienced some major bruising because he tried to act like he was too good to say hello or chat. When people do that to me, I kill them with kindness. Those people want you to be a bitch to them so that they can go around and say you're a bitch while armed with validation. If you're nice it just makes them feel worse about the fact that a great person rejected them and they still can't have you. So that's just what I did. I made sure I said hello. He tried to act as if he didn't see me, then that he didn't have time to talk, and I'm pretty sure he even tried to be nasty but didn't have the balls to follow through. All of this not only made me feel better about not seeing him anymore, but cleared up any guilt I may have felt for ending it or the need to supply any additional closure to the situation. Done and done. Dickhead. I later heard he went home with a random girl and did the walk of shame back to his car without even saying goodbye to said girl. Oh the small benefits of him being friends with my friends' boyfriend. End tangent.

So needless to say, I was irritated that he called me at such an inconsiderate hour and then proceeded to leave me a lengthy voicemail so that I was awoken minutes later by the message alert. But back to sleep I went.

This morning after I got out of the shower I listened to the message. Basically, he was demanding an explanation (yes, he actually said he wanted an explanation) for the fact that although I told him I did not want to see him anymore because something was missing between us, he heard that I had said that I didn't think he tried hard enough. Wait, really?!? So let me get this straight...it has been weeks since you acted like a dick when I saw you in public and even weeks before that when I actually ended it with you, but you're still going to proceed to call me at 2am demanding explanations as to why it ended? You heard this little fact? You're almost 30 years old. I learned to stop paying attention to he-said, she-said in middle school. OMFG.

He went on to say how he would've treated me "like a woman" (as opposed to?) and he cares about me and really wanted to be with me, but wants an explanation as to why I said this. Oh, and he hopes I'm doing well.

He followed up this retarded voicemail with a text this morning that read:

Douchebag: I'm sorry about the late call last night. I have no excuse for that.

Oh yes you do, you're a dick.

Note to self: Never again date a guy who is friends with a friend's boyfriend. This only ends with gossip and someone trying to make you out to be the bad guy. Clearly, someone wants me to be the bad guy in this situation when it is obvious that he simply failed. Deal with it. Move on. I owe you nothing.

It's official, the aftermath of this "thing" has lasted longer than the actual dating did.

And now that I have successfully vented, I'm moving on to enjoy this lovely Friday.

Company is comforting

Good to know there are others who feel as I do. I can't explain how I fell (well), but this person did, and apparently an entire tumblr. is dedicated to people like us. So there's an audience! I feel a teensy bit better about this. From: http://ilovehateyou.tumblr.com.

This is for the people that care too much. The people who want too much, and at the same time want nothing at all. At least we want to want that. We want to walk away, we want to say no, we want to forget everything, and we want to be detached and not care.

Unfortunately, we can’t walk away. We say yes, and we remember every single little fucking detail, more clearly, and more vividly than when it happened. We are attached.

And we couldn’t care more.

Other quotes that are speaking to me today:

"I pair up with these male versions of myself so that I don't have to acknowledge my own fear of making a serious commitment."

-Wendy Merrill.

Welcome to my brain, Wendy.

And:

“You have the idea that you should be mating for life, but that is not what you really want. You aren’t dealing with the fact that you don’t want more, or you wouldn’t have been with these guys to begin with. When you really want something more, you will have it. In the meantime, please be less hard on yourself, and try to enjoy it.”

-I copied this from a book I was reading, but failed to note the author. My bad.

p.s. Just in case you're missing the connection between the photo and title, these are my comfort foods. Mmmm.

Fire extinguished

So the beginning went well, as I've come to learn during my short stint in the adult dating world, most dating beginnings usually do. I've also learned it does not serve you will to slap an opinion on a guy/relationship too soon because once the few weeks it takes for the freak flag to rise fully ensue, you'll simply wind up biting your tongue and doing some explaining to your girlfriends as to why the fabulous guy has turned into a douche seemingly overnight. It also helps you to seem a little less like a bipolar freak. I'm sure my poor mother has her doubts concerning her only daughter.

So anyway, it went well before it didn't. I first felt as though the fact that he was very laid back, casual and whatever-like in regard to making plans and such was a plus. No worry about being pressured into dinner/drinks/movies/blah during the week when I'd rather go to the gym, watch Grey's or do nothing at all. Score. Until of course, that casualness turned into total non-plan making. Period. Oh, he still wanted to do things. He wanted a commitment from me as to when we'd see each other next before he left my presence the last time. What would we do? Who knows. Who cares. Equals? Nada. Yeah, as much as I don't want to date a drill sergeant (Ken), I need a guy to make a plan. I don't want to be forced into the plan, but I want a guy to take the reigns. I have no problem with taking them once in a while, but I stress, once in a while. I'm old fashioned. It's just how I roll.

So once I allowed the fireman to enter my cozy apartment, it was love at first sight. For him. He loved my cozy comfy couches, my big plasma TV. I get it. I love them too. That's why I live here. But you my friend, do not. And you are not my boyfriend. Therefore, you still need to date me. And as we've all learned from He's Just Not That Into You, "hanging out is not dating." Basically, somewhere along the line the fireman simply attempted to nail down a date where we'd "do something" with no plan as to what that something would be. I'd bring up places to eat, etc and he was always uninterested. He even went as far as to ask me to lunch on a Saturday afternoon and then show up at my place "not hungry." I'm serious. He said he wasn't really hungry. Considering our plan was to physically eat lunch, I freaking was. I'm not one of those girls who doesn't eat. I eat and this girl was hungry. I told him this. He had no real reaction.

The final straw was on a different Saturday night about 3 weeks ago. We were both going out in the city with our own separate groups of friends. I was already feeling uninterested by this point, but agreed to us meeting up at some point for a drink. He'd be with his friends, I'd be with mine, no harm done. No one-on-one time. We texted on and off throughout the night and I let him know which neighborhood I was in around 11pm. But, it turned into a serious girl night. One of those good dance nights/one friend gets beligerently drunk nights. You know the kind.

Well the fireman kept calling and I finally was able to answer and actually hear him. He asked if he should come over my way, he was getting into a cab, his friends were staying, he was coming alone. Wtf?! So wait, it's 12:30 am, you're going to come to where I am alone without a car i.e. leach yourself onto me for the night? Ew, no thanks. Not the dynamic I was going for. I told him it probably wasn't a good idea, my friends were pretty drunk and I'd be doing some serious babysitting, another time. It was almost 1am anyway, sorta pointless when last call is at 1:30 and it would take him at least that long to get over to where I was anyway. What was the point?

After that phone call he continued to call and call and call. I'm talking about 15-20 times. I didn't answer. I told him not to come, period end of story. By that time my friend and I were in a late night pizza joint enjoying some greasy food, watching the drunks walk by, and talking to other drunk pizza patrons. I just looked at my phone as he called and called. Totally turned me off. I mean, come on man. Then he started texting me. "Where are you?" "Where are you, babe?" Ugh, babe? Really? Loathe when that comes from guys who have no business using it. Then, "I'm around the corner, where are you?" "I'm here, where are you?" Phone call, phone call, phone call. You get the point. It's after 2am by now. I was so annoyed that he was there but still planned to ignore. I told you not to come, not my problem. So then my friend and I walk out of the pizza place, turn the corner, and who is standing on the corner ON THE FREAKIN' PHONE? You guessed it. The fireman. I wanted to throw up in my mouth.

Long story short, he shows up, no car, no where to stay, too drunk to drive (so he said) and couldn't go home (so he said). We tried to get him to stay at my friend's place in the city but he was just so damn persistent and I am too damn nice. I wound up bringing him home with me with the promise he'd have someone bring him to his car in the morning. On the car ride home I explained how I just wasn't that into him anymore. It was awkward, but it was needed. Especially after that awkward spectacle. Shit, he forced it. He slept on my couch, as he always did. I never let that boy into my bed. In the morning he made no attempts to "call a friend" and my dumb ass drove him to his car. We parted with my agreeing to one more date to see if something might still be there. Damn my niceness. Never fails to be taken advantage of. Why can't I be a cold-hearted bitch when necessary?!

So he went to FL for a week and said he wouldn't call me, I should call him. So of course I didn't. The more time that went by, the more disgusted and turned off I was with his behavior. His lack of effort in an attempt to gain maximum benefits. I mean really. So I decided I'd have yet another talk with him to let him know it was done. I have to. Finalize the deal. Why put myself through anymore? He failed. He's friends with my good friends' boyfriend. There's no sweeping this one under the rug. Believe me, I contemplated it.

So I finally called him last week. The day I call him to break the news is the same day his grandmother has a stroke and he spends the day in the hospital. Fabulous. Totally bad form if I broke the news then. So I listened for about 45 minutes, wished my best, and told him we'd talk later. I figured I should at least wait until his grandmother is OK and out of the hospital. I called him over the weekend--g-mom is still hospitalized and I am still an ass allowing this thing to drag on. I still, have yet, to break the news. But, I've called twice so I feel good about myself. I'm not calling anymore. I don't owe this guy all of that. Done.

So I just spent way much more time than I would have preferred discussing the fireman. Sorry about that.

In other news I just got over the stomach flu. (Wow, aren't I a barrel of fun--failed relationships, stomach flu, fabulous).

P.S. I lied. You know what sealed the deal? As I was explaining to him how there was simply something missing between the two of us, he said, "Why are you playing so hard to get?" I felt like saying (and wish I would have because it's true):

I'm not playing hard to get, I am hard to get.

Quote me on that ish.

Double the pleasure

I am currently overflowing with excitement. I am fighting the urge to put exclamation points after all of my sentences (because it's just annoying and feels like the writer is screaming at you). I just wanna jump up and down and shriek! (Let me have one).

Professionally, I'm movin' on up. Just had an awesome, low-key coffee meeting with the managing director of my agency; i.e. the big guy, to discuss my "professional development." It was actually part 2 of a discussion we had before the holiday. He is awesome. I'm so excited to learn more and gain more marketable skills. Not to mention, it's great to hear positive feedback from anyone, not to mention, management. Hell yes!

Personally, I have date number 2 with the fireman tonight. He called me last night. (Perfect timing if you ask me. Our last date was Sunday then he worked 7am-7am Mon to yesterday). I was in the gym so I called him after I was finished. We had a good little convo. I slipped in there that I didn't think the Sat wedding would work out. He was totally cool about it which I was sure he would be. I have a super busy weekend ahead of me, so he asked me out to dinner for tonight.

Is it possible that the love life and the professional life can BOTH be going well at the same time?! I thought that was completely unheard of!

Ah well, early days, early days. But exciting nonetheless!

P.S. I apologize for how many times I just said "awesome" and the use of exclamation points. Trust me, I toned it down as much as I could.

I keep my promises

Ah yes, elaborate I shall. It can probably go without saying that the fireman did in fact show last night.

Fast forward fact: I know there's chemistry when I get in my car and I have to shriek. Not scream, just a high pitched shriek. It took all I had to wait till I got outta that parking lot to shriek behind the wheel. Then I smiled to myself a bit. I was still smiling a little even by the time I walked into my apartment. (Go ahead, throw up in your mouth a little. I know you want to. Sorry).

So anyway, as odd as the whole concept was, it held my interest, kept me intrigued, and in hindsight I recognize it's probably just what this girl needed (to feel all that oddness). I am a strange creature at times--especially on the heels of my hibernation where I'd tell even some of my closest friends I'd do something with them and then bail. I couldn't really bail on this. More importantly, I never felt the desire to. Instead of texting with him and talking about plans, it was sort of a game. Texting as a form of dating really gets on my nerves. It feels like such a cop-out. Minimal effort for maximum results. Yes, time spent with me is considered maximum, my friends. You as well ladies (and fellas).

Now let me just add that if the fireman wasn't a friend of a friends boyfriend, I would not have participated. My closest friend vouched for him so it was OK. If I'd gone missing, people would know who to look for. This girl does not recommend doing this sort of thing with a perfect stranger. At least not without some pepper spray on-hand.

Still, I was anxious as shit. It didn't help that while facebook chatting with my old college friend Nick, just hours before date time, he planted a seed that my wandering mind watered like hell. He expressed his unsettling thoughts: maybe the guys' married or living with someone and that's why he "didn't want to talk all day." Thanks a bunch, man. Sheesh. I usually go through a small fit of paranoia right before a first date so I briefly entertained that thought as a genuine possibility. It was vetoed by my friend while on speaker phone as I did my make up, which is always my prime freak-out time. I think it's because once I've carefully applied a full face of fresh make-up there's no turning back. I'm going out that door.

So I rolled up at about five minutes till 7:30. I sat in my car for a bit. What if he was there and saw me pull up? I frantically searched passenger seats of the cars in the parking lot, careful to not be too obvious. What if he saw me looking for him? I saw no one. Suddenly the thought of him watching me walk to the door freaked me out. I didn't want to get there first so I sat there for a bit. I'd watch him walk in and then I'd follow. Yeah, I'll just stroll in a couple minutes after. But then the horror of the thought that he watched me pull up, saw me look around and then saw me sit and wait in my car for a while overcame all other worries and I just got out and headed for the door.

I walked into the bar. Of course the playoff game was still on so the bar was packed. With guys. Everyone turned to see me walk in. Alone. Shit. (I understand people may do this all the time but lil' ole me was like a fish outta water). I figured I'd walk around the bar, swoop the scene and then hit the bathroom which was conveniently located on the other end of the bar and around the corner. If I don't see him on my way out, I'll bounce. I saw him no where. Fuck. What the hell was I doing?? I officially walked the entire length of the bar. No fireman to be found. I turned the corner and there he was, sitting all alone on a bench by the other door. The door to the restaurant. Not the bar. He immediately jumped up, walked over to me and gave me a hug. Shew. bomb dodged. Ego in tact.

He said he couldn't remember if he had said 7 or 7:30 so he'd been there since 6:45 just in case. That warmed my heart a little bit. I told him he could've just called or texted me, but oh, wait, that's right there was a rule against that. :) I definitely probed his reasoning behind the concept. He laughed, said it felt like a really good idea last night. I told him it was memorable, if nothing else. And that it was.

So we opted to grab a cozy booth in the bar portion of the restaurant. More casual which I prefer for a first date. We had a couple drinks, some food, and a lot of easy, fun talking. He was all smiles. As was I. Nothing short of adorable. I liked him more that night than I did the entire day before. He was great. A real great guy. I know it's great when we're constantly smiling at each other. (OK I just said great in one paragraph more than I have on the rest of this entire blog). There was definitely some consistent cheesing going on in that booth. And I'm not talking about the loaded cheese fries we devoured. Though they were equally fabulous.

It wasn't a late night. We left by 9:30 at the latest. We both had work in the morning, him much earlier than I. He walked me to my car, a hug, and small peck on the cheek and we said our goodbyes.

The date didn't end without him asking me out again. But, (always a but) he asked me to go to a small, very low-key wedding on Saturday. It's brief, noon to 3ish and apparently no big deal if I attend or not. My initial reaction is it is too soon for something like that. Combine that with the fact that I have a hair appointment at 9:45am and then a birthday party in the city at 7 and I just don't think it would work. I told him I thought it might be cutting it a little close, but I'd let him know. The problem is I don't want him to think that I'm turning him down because I don't want to see him again. I definitely do. I haven't heard from him yet, which is absolutely fine. In fact, he had to work a 24-hour shift starting at 7am so technically he's still working. I think I'm just going to let him down easy, but let him know I'd like to see him another time that would work better. A girl should never be too available anyway, right? Right.

I talked to my friend after the date. Told her it was awesome. She says it's good to hear friends go on successful first dates, gives us hope that they're still out there and possible. Even if nothing comes from it. That high from a good first date is fabulous. She said the fireman called his friend (our other friend's boyfriend) after our date and said I was a 10 out of 10. Presh.

So it's possible there may be more of this fireman to come. I just can't get enough of calling him a fireman. Mmm, hot.

First date = Awesome

I'll elaborate later. But just know, it is still possible to have an amazing first date. (I was beginning to lose hope).

Ask and you shall receive

Well, sorta.

I sort of have a date with a new boy tonight. I'm hesitant to document this because the whole thing has the potential to be extremely awkward, embarrassing, and ego-bashing. The deal is, we're supposed to meet at 7:30pm at a restaurant. The catch is that we're not supposed to talk/text all day today. I met him last night, and we're just supposed to show up today. Or, not show up of course.

This guy is a friend of my friend's boyfriend. I met him last Saturday when a group of us went out to watch the NFL Playoffs. He's a fireman. Of course, last night was the same and he came again. Apparently, the fireman has been smitten with me since we met last Saturday. We barely talked besides being introduced. Yesterday we talked a lot. We exchanged numbers but are not supposed to talk, just meet.

So like I said, this has the potential to be totally awkward. 1. One of us might not show up. 2. He is friends with my friend's boyfriend so there are ties. 3. Well, those two are enough aren't they?

So I'm going to show up. He says it'll be awesome. I said unless one of us doesn't show. Not gonna lie, I'm slightly intrigued. Unless of course, he doesn't show. Then I'll hate him forever for making me feel like shit.

Ready, Set, WAIT!

I'm ready to buy a house. Mentally that is. Financially? Jury's still out on that one. But, first things first. Mentally, I'm ready to be a home-owner. I've been doing some research on the web and checking out prices. I'm sorta getting excited about it, but also getting totally afraid of things like: my credit score, finances, all of the steps, the commitment, can I even do it on my own?! Well, I want to. This is a big, first step for me. Let's see if I can make it happen.

I'm ready to date again. Of course since I'm ready I find no one worth dating.

The "new boy" that I mentioned in the past; let's just call him Insurance boy because he works for an Insurance company (why did I capitalize that)? Anyway, Insurance boy is trying to make a lame-ass come back. That's the thing about texting, makes it so easy for boys to produce lameness.

The cable guy that has been trying to date me since I broke up with The Ex (yes, that's 2-1/2 years for those keeping track), is still yes, trying to date me. Persistence award for him. (Recap: he's called the cable guy because he works for Comcast and hooked me up with free cable when I first moved out and was dirt poor. I now have a nicer place, digital cable that I pay for, and even a flat screen TV. WOO)! But yeah, trying to date even though he says he's not trying to date me, "it's just dinner." Bull.

My mail man is trying to date me. Now, my mail man is a guy I knew from middle school. Small effing world. I discovered he was my mail man a few months ago when he left one of those USPS slips that let you know you have a package at the post office in my mailbox with a cryptic note saying hi and who he was. Now let me just say, he did not include on that wee little note that he was my mailman so it creeped me out. It wasn't until he found me on facebook and told me that I felt slightly relieved. Since then, he's been trying to date me. I'm sorry, but just because I kissed you on a park bench when I was 12, doesn't mean I'm going to have lunch with you at the ripe age of 28. Over the holiday he went as far as holding my packages hostage so he could come by and drop them off himself. Ugh. I couldn't get out of that one, and had to let him stop by. Blah.

But no new boys and that's what I want.

I'm ready for more money, but don't foresee it coming from my current gig. I'm spending the weekends job hunting and tightening up my resume.

Guess I've got big plans for 2009. Who knew?!

In other, completely unrelated news, I'm going to a happy hour with a couple ladies after work tonight. So excited that it's Friday! Tomorrow the brother is coming into town and we're gonna meet some people and watch some playoff football. I got nada on Sunday and that's just how I like it. I do, in fact, have Housebunny on DVD (go ahead, judge). The weekend seems to be shaping up nicely. I'll be in touch!

Self-inflicted torture

I tell everyone, including him, that we're friends simply because it's easier. I am not blind to the fact that we get along great as friends yet horribly as lovers. Even when he compliments me and compliments "us" I shake it off and say, "We are great as friends, I like it better this way." Even when he says he thinks we'd be great together. To him, I disagree. I disagree because I know he doesn't fully mean it. I know he can't give me what I'd want from him and I'd simply wind up let down. I'm sparing him, myself, and us that disappointment.

Today when he asked me to answer him honestly I lied. I lied when he asked, "Does any part of you still have a small crush on me?" I said no. When I asked him the same question, he said he did. I don't believe him. So I said what I always do, "we're great as friends."

Since he's dropped me off I've thought of him. I've checked my phone once or twice. I've debated calling him and telling him I lied. But then I stop myself because I know it will get me no where. I'd simply be putting my neck out there and in the past, doing that hasn't served me well with him. We're better this way. It's the only way we can continue to get along, or rather, the only way I can continue to get along with him.

On New Year's Eve he came over while I was getting ready for my party. He came over to give me a New Year's kiss since we wouldn't be together when midnight struck. We kissed. We hadn't kissed in months. We vowed not to kiss anyone else that night. When I came back home, slightly tipsy, I called him and went to his place. I cuddled into bed with him still in my cocktail dress. He held me. He didn't try to do anything other than keep me warm. He didn't try even though we'd slept together before. He didn't try even though I'm sure he knew he probably could. He even said, "I was going to try to have sex with you when you came over, but I'm gonna be the nice guy, and not." I'm glad he didn't. On New Year's Day when he came over (fainting an excuse to need to use my computer even though today he told me he had bought a new one and didn't need mine), he said he was trying to show me that he could be a good guy. I'm skeptical still. There had to have been another reason.

I'm glad he didn't try thought, because I wouldn't have been able to say no yet I would have been able to feel crappy about it. I'd feel crappy about it because it's not just sex with him. I care about him. Ah, the cliche of it all.

I do, truly, enjoy the friendship we have now. We have fun together, act silly together, and really talk to one another. Our relationship has grown considerably. Slowly, but surely, it has become more real.

What I'm wondering is if in fact this crush I have on him will ever go away? It's been going strong for 8 months now. Some of those months we were together, but most we were not. And even during the months we were together, our "together" wasn't much to speak of. It is right for me to deny my feelings, right? I'm sure it is. He's one of those guys that only seems to be interested when he is experiencing denial. The second I give in his interest will lack and the only reason he's popping these questions about me and us is because he's not getting anything from me. I'm sure of it. I think.Am I only experiencing these feelings because there is no one else of interest to speak of? Would another guy cause him to disappear from my mind?

Now if I could just will this crush to go away, I'd be golden.

Hiatus:

Ended.

Almost 3 months ago to the day I instituted a dating hiatus. If I'm being totally honest, (which I always am here if no where else), I thought it would be harder to keep than it was. Regardless, dating hiatus is coming to a close. This occurs simultaneously with my attempt to come out of hibernation....hmm, may be interesting.

I'm in no way on the prowl. I'm simply open to dating whereas I was closed before. And, whelp, I actually have a drink date tomorrow night. Just drinks. Ease myself back into the pool. The eager dater has already asked for a dinner date for Friday night, but whoa, let's see how drinks go first, buddy. (I actually said that in a joking manner. Totally serious though). Luckily my friends birthday is today so I told him I wasn't sure if she'd want to do something over the weekend since her birthday is during the week. That will be my out if tomorrow's drinks are a bust.

I'll be sure to report here. Who knows, I may be the groundhog again. One date and I'm back in the hole! We'll see :)

Or not.

Totally wish I could take credit for not giving into Jimmy last night, but although we did not talk and cuddle, it was not due to my strength as an individual. It was solely due to the fact that he never brought it up again. Honestly, I did not mind in the least. He did call, and I did see him, but just because he needed to borrow butter.

I need to get it together.

I'll probably follow my own lead and be an idiot

Because after weeks, heck, over a month of the Jimmy (who I'd rather simply refer to as the adult crush), and I being friends legitimately and myself saying over and over that I like it that way (even if I do admit to still slightly crushing on him, outwardly we've been nothing but friends), he called me today in an attempt to be more than just friends. Not in so many words but I know what he's eluding to.

I did drunk call him Saturday night. And then called back with a lame excuse to come pick up my Dark Night DVD. Like I needed it at 2am. I just wanted to see him because I was tipsy. Nothing happened. I didn't want anything to happen. I just was tipsy and wanted to see him. I always call him when I'm drunk. He's who I want to talk to. He always entertains my silliness and talks to me on my ride home. I think he likes it just as much as I do.

He came by yesterday to borrow an iPod attachment from me. He's so freaking cute.

Today he asked if he could come over after his game and talk, maybe cuddle a little.

I'm such an asshole because I'm thinking about it. Jeez. Sheesh. Ugh!

I keep telling myself that his lease is up in 4 measly months and he's going to move. I know that once he moves I'll never see him again. I'm pretty darn sure of it. So what's the problem in entertaining seeing him here and there for the next 4 months. We've been friends for a while. I'd like to keep the friendship there and not go any further.

We'll see.

Tell me you love me...

Are these five words grouped together some sort of new phenomenon among men? Is saying this to girls all the rage? Or perhaps, is it just the guys that I entertain?

As The Ex said these words to me this weekend before we got off the phone, "Tell me you love me" I realized that was it. It's final. Every guy is saying these words to me. Granted, I was with The Ex for 5+ years and said those words to him more times than I could count with incredible feeling behind it. But he had never said those words to me. "Tell me you love me."

When Jimmy first said it me I was in a compromising position. A position where it would be considered bad form to start rattling off questions and insecurities regarding those words. After a slight stumble, I just went with it. Eff it. He knew it wasn't true. Come on. Throughout our dating time he continued to say that to me while on the phone, together, whatever. I chalked it up to his age and immaturity. Even Ken said that to me at one point. Hinting around the "L" word.

Guy friends of mine say it to me all the time. I flat out tell my guy friends that I love them. I have one guy friend who says I love you every time we hang up. I'm okay with it.

But "Tell me you love me" from guys I've been or are involved with seems to be a pattern. Is this normal? Aren't guys typically supposed to be the ones who avoid that word like the plague? Has anyone else noticed this odd phenomenon or is it really just me?

Regardless, I don't like it. I don't like being told to express a feeling and I'm too nice to say no. After a couple stalling, "What? No! You're an idiot! Why's" I give in and say it. And it always sounds awful coming out of my mouth. I hear myself and cringe. Then they say, I love you too. Or Jimmy's priceless, "No you don't, you liar!" Well, duh. I fought sayin' the three little words tooth and nail before only saying them because you told me to. If you want the truth then wait for me to give it up willingly.

Ex-factor

The problem with hanging out with an ex, no matter how long it's been since the end, and no matter how much you've convinced yourself that you're over it all and you're now a new shiny person who is capable of a friendship, the problem is, you're wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

If you loved the person at any point in time then that love does not disappear. The relationship ended, and it ended for a reason. Probably a good one. At some point those reasons, no matter how far you've pushed them out of your mind, will resurface. Those unanswered questions will come back up. The questions you'll never truly have an answer for, except you do. You admitted them to yourself long ago, but the presence, well the presence has you being naive again. That closure you created for yourself because he just wasn't worth the time. It'll open up again. Frayed ends. You'll find yourself going through the same old motions. You'll feel that pang of hurt. It'll flood back in as though you never spent all those years building a wall. Fresh cuts as if they were carved the day before. Ouch.

Always, with that person, it will be there. No matter how much you want to prove to them that you've changed. Two years later you're different now. With them, you're not. You'll morph into that sad person. They'll get the best of you. Again. Over and over. You'll never escape it until you escape them.

La dee da dee da

I'm covering my ears and singing to block out the sounds of judging. No judgment, (please)?

Guess I'll start with the portion of my tale that's the most judge worthy. Jump right into the meat of it. Let me just first start out by saying, (well second since first I'd like to ask you kindly not to judge), that I am happy with my decisions (for the most part) and do not feel dreadful. Funny how looking at something with a different attitude, a new perspective, can change the entire outcome.

Ahem...

I hung out with Jimmy last night and yes we hooked up. Yes, after I said I was done, finished, finito exactly one week ago today. (Insert judgment here).

I have to say that rather than feeling dreadful today I feel liberated. I'm officially and proudly over the crush. I no longer want anything from him nor do I feel disappointed or dissed by him. I have to assume I got over the crush after deciding not to talk to him and not to care anymore. It worked. I don't know how we humans do it, (I assume it happens for us all), but I love how I can will a feeling into eventual reality. Sometimes it takes longer than other times, but ultimately I reach the emotional state of being I've set out for.

It all began when I ran into him while I was walking my dog after work. He was throwing the football with his roommate. He immediately got that ear-to-ear, adorably childish grin on his face when he saw me, yelled my name and then ran up to me. I was on my cell phone with James trying to persuade him to come up to my neck of the woods to watch some Monday night football. Of course Jimmy proceeded to act like the child he is and yell loudly (so as to be sure the person on the other end of the line would hear him), to get off of the phone, who am I talking to, and is it a guy?? He even grabbed the phone at one point and talked to James for a bit. Oy. Thank goodness it wasn't The Ex.

I hadn't seen him in over 2 weeks. Feelings: nada besides simply sheer physical attraction and the fact that he was playing football, hot. Oh, and the realization that we were wearing the same exact jersey. Presh. Still, all in all good.

He called me a couple times after the walk. I talked to him for a bit. Nothing big. It's funny how he seems to think I cease to exist when he hasn't seen me for a while and then once he does see me he is immediately shocked and consumed with my existence and can't get enough. As if he honestly forgot about me.

I went to watch Monday night football with James and The Ex. The plan was to just go with James, but once The Ex got wind that James and I were going together he insisted on tagging along. James was literally walking out the door when The Ex called him on his way home from work and insisted on coming along. James had to wait for him to shower, change, the whole deal. I don't mind that he comes but it changes the dynamic a wee bit. He still just doesn't seem comfortable with the two of us hanging out alone. Oh well. Such is life.

While I was out I got a few texts from Jimmy asking if we could hang out. Begging really. Outwardly begging. I knew what it was all about. The old feelings of "I shouldn't" were present, but something new was also. I wanted to. And I wanted to not for the same reasons that I used to want to. I wanted to because I felt totally in control. I'm not that pansy, what if this, what if that girl anymore when it comes to him. Yes, I still find him attractive (I didn't have a lobotomy), but I'm not searching for more than satisfying that physical attraction. I'm single. He's single. Part of me did want to show off my new improved self.

The Ex dropped me off (this is sorta why I say I don't feel badly "for the most part." It's The Exes involvement in the scenario, which there is more of that I will get to later on). So The Ex dropped me off and after a quick freshen up I went to see Jimmy. During the freshen up The Ex called (I think to see if I'd answer...curious as to whether I'd be involved in a late-night visit). He wanted to say good night and let me know he was almost home. Nice.

Shortly after hanging up with The Ex I headed for Jimmy's. Hanging out with him was fun. We talked, we laughed, etc. ETC. Lets just call it as it is, ya know? I had fun joking around with him and being the girl that is in control instead of the girl that wanted more. I talked to him about The Ex and he offered advice. He threw in the appropriate jealous annoyed comments, but also said I can't hold back and should just give him a chance. I didn't want to spend the night because, duh, I'll sleep better in my own bed and a girls' gotta work in the morning! HE seemed to be the girl that wanted more and I was eating it up. Isn't that how human nature works? We want what we can't have. As soon as we have it we don't want it anymore, but take it away, and by god we wanted that! Oh the tables, how they turn and there's nothing I like more than when they are a turnin' in my favor.

The truth is, it felt like we were friends and I like that feeling so much better than the previous feelings of the Jimmy and I saga. What this was, was the ultimate summer fling. Inappropriate, hot, and utterly convenient, lasting from May until September. Who could ask for more? And that's just it, no one should have ever asked for more. Yet that's just what I did; went ahead and killed it with the illusion of wanting more. Let me be straight with myself and say that I knew from the beginning I didn't want anything serious with him. I just got a little side-tracked. I blame the sex haze, which then caused my ego to be bruised and then I might as well have been Alice falling down the hole to Wonderland constantly seeking my ego to be repaired by him. Stepping back from him and alleviating the idea (or more like coming to my senses) that it couldn't and shouldn't be something more, allowed me to see it for how it is, how it was, and of course, how it should be. (Shout out to Salt 'N' Pepa for that one, didja catch it)?

Bottom line is there's a reason I crushed on him on the first place and it's because without all the pressure he is a funny, adorable, entertaining guy and definitely someone I can be friends with. Potential boyfriend material? Not so much. No news there. So I'm back and I'm walking on solid ground. Last night felt like closure and there's nothing this girl likes more than closure followed by some redemption, and topped with friendship so my relationships do not feel trashy and pointless. Make no mistake, no judgment coming from this direction for those relationships that don't.

Funny though, in a sort of sad way he asked if that would be the last time we would be together like that. I told him I didn't know, duh. And he asked that I let him know if I'm getting back with The Ex so we can be together one more time. He wants to know when it's going to be the last time. I'm not sure how to take that, but I feel like it's a little bit sort of, maybe in the realm of sweet. He told me he's probably moving. I'm thinking that will bring a close to our final chapter. We see each other now mostly in passing, coincidences and if it's planned then it's last minute and I only agree because of how close he really is. This is a shame considering I feel like I've just now discovered how to enjoy him in a new way, a way I could probably enjoy worry free indefinitely.

As a joke, because he gave me such a hard time for not calling or answering his calls after our last escapade, I sent him a text this afternoon that simply said, "So I'm texting you so you can't say you didn't hear from me the next day like you said last time ;)" He immediately called me. I mean a second later. So quickly that I thought possibly it was an incredible coincidence, but no, he had received the text and was calling. Calling because he wanted to know why I cared considering I had admitted last night that "it was just sex." I told him I had been kidding last night (though I wasn't), and he went on to tell me to stop lying and just be for real with him. He seemed serious so I settled with, how about we don't label it. He liked that. We chatted a bit. Nonsense really. I ended the convo so as to avoid wanting more. Perfect, and I still feel wonderful about the entire situation. It's obvious by my blogs that I was consumed with analyzing that situation and I'm happy to finally put it to rest.

So moving on to why I feel content with last night's decision but only, "for the most part." The part I don't feel good about is the proximity of its' timing to certain other events. Once again I'm going to ask for the ceasing of judgment at this point.

Ahem...

(I'm gonna ease into this one)

So I mentioned that I've been spending a bit of time with The Ex and by what I've said already I think it's clear that this little tidbit remains true. On Saturday I allowed him to come up to my parent's place with me for their end of summer shindig, as friends. I made it clear to all that we are just friends. What did my mother do when she saw him? Cried. Yup, she freakin' cried. She would not stop hugging him and was actually crying real tears. Get it together, Mom! Jeez, we're playing it cool and she was totally not helping. It was only a matter of time before my Dad had him out in the garage and they were discussing tools and work. I barely saw him the entire time we were there. They really had missed him, it was evident in how they talked his ear off all night.

We got back to my place around 11ish and I let him spend the night because the spending of the night was because of sheer exhaustion and not in the hopes of getting busy. He was so exhausted that he literally fell asleep on my couch mere minutes after our arrival. When I was ready I woke him and let him know I was going into bed and he could stay or join. Of course he joined. There was cuddling, but no funny business. Whelp, not until morning. Yea I went ahead and complicated the situation by having sex with The Ex. Damn it.

So if you're thinking backward in your head, doing the elementary math required, you'll see that Sunday morning I slept with The Ex, and Monday night I slept with Jimmy. Yup, call me what I am, a hoe. (Insert MORE judgment here).

Top that with I hung out with The Ex Monday night beforehand and allowed him to buy me dinner and drinks and then upon his dropping me off I skirted over to my new boy toy's and wow, there is no argument involved with the idea that I am a freakin' hoe.

And let me just back up a second. Actions that are starting to make me nervous when it comes to The Ex which I have no doubt stem from the complicating of things: while I'm on my cell phone Monday night, clearly texting, he tries to look over my shoulder and see who I'm texting/what I'm texting. This went on the entire night. At one point he literally stole my phone from me and proceeded to text back my friend Ryan with "Ur a fag." Thank god it had been Ryan I was texting back at the ime and not Jimmy. After he texted that he definitely tried to look through it more as I chased him around the pool table. I have no doubt that Jimmy was who he was looking for. That is the target he was most certainly wanted to hit. Times like that I am so thankful for my Palm Centro Smartphone that is so deliciously complicated that no one knows how to operate it. It wasn't the first time a guy's snooping had been blocked simply because he couldn't figure out how to work it. When I finally got my phone back and yelled at him then went outside with James, he rolled his eyes at me. I could tell he was annoyed that I cared that he had taken my phone. He wanted me to not give a shit about any other guys and any drama he may cause between us. Sorry but, you're not there. Throughout the night he continued to try to sneak my phone out of my purse. Calling me shortly after he dropped me off also worries me. He disguised it as saying good night, but I know he was checking on me. He didn't ask anything, but he didn't have to.

I justify my actions by thinking of it as security. Maybe the blow that will occur after The Ex effs up will be less of a tremor if I'm having a little fun on the side. If I have my own secrets, it won't be so hard to deal with the possibility that some of his may eventually come out should there be any. And by gosh, that boy hurt me badly. He owes me. What goes around comes around. (Got anymore cliches that work in my benefit)?

Technically, I'm single and not doing anything wrong. Immediately after the act I warned The Ex that I had wanted to avoid doing that because it complicates things. Okay, maybe it was a statement at the time but it turned into a warning when I went ahead and complicated them. He brushed my warning off by saying that this is us we're talking about, things won't get complicated. Problem is, the me that was involved in the us he's referring to no longer exists. He just hasn't realized that yet.

Relapse

So it seems I need to be a little more clear with myself. Okay, more like harsh.

Dating hiatus does not in any way mean that you should continue to have sex with a guy who has clearly shown he is lazy and has no interest in putting the effort into you that you so deserve.

I relapsed Sunday night and slept with Jimmy. It will be the final time. I'm sure of it because of how I felt afterward. Awful. Definite post depression sunk in immediately. I was so angry with myself. So much so, that I had to leave shortly after the act. I did a fabulous job of ignoring him all weekend which of course made him come on stronger. He's so predictable. Then I ended all of that hard work with giving up in the most extreme way. No more.

I actually left and called The Ex. I needed to talk to someone. At 1am he listened to me babble about what I did, what's wrong with me, why, why, why?? I was a wreck. He just listened and told me to just stop. I'm too good for it, and I know it. He said I am too hard on myself. Sometimes I am so incredibly thankful for him. I think he has grown to be a real friend to me. In some ways.

The next day, I felt even more foolish but immediately began the process of blocking the previous nights' events out of my mind completely. I am ending this nonsense. I know I've said this time and time again.

In other news, Ken has resurfaced and his new angle is that he'd like to be friends. I guess technically he never went away in order to resurface. I have heard from him at least once a week whether it's a text or a phone call. Regardless, this new proposal is coming from the same guy who hated the fact that I had so many guy friends, (I get along great with guys, it's just easy and I have fun with them. Period). He was always adamant about the fact that he did not have friends as girls. If he was hanging out with a girl it was because he was interested in her for other reasons. And last but not least, all my guy friends "just want to fuck" me. Ironic that he now would like to be my friend.

I of course mentioned his "theory." His response is that I could be his first friend as a girl. He just misses me and maybe it will be a disaster, but it could be a good thing too. He threw in how it has taken him a long time to get over me, that he wishes I hadn't closed up on him, i.e. all things that sound like he might not actually be over me. Hmm. Well, I am always up for remaining friends with people. I can do it. My experience is that guys usually can't. I'm skeptical because I think this may just be an angle. But, I rarely turn things down without giving it a shot, so I will. I am in full control of what does and does not happen. I'll keep ya posted on the progress of that one.

Dating hiatus

You heard it here first (as if you'd hear it anywhere else). I'm going on a bit of a dating hiatus, which basically means that I'm going to be spending a lot of time with myself. If I have mentally prepared myself for this it won't feel quite as pathetic while I'm spending the majority of my Friday and Saturday nights chilling in with the boys, reading, watching movies, organizing my closets and other various nooks and crannies of my apartment. This may sound like a death sentence to some but it is pure bliss for me. I could occupy myself with busy things around the apartment for quite a while and be perfectly satisfied. I'll be sure to make dinner/drink plans with the girls throughout as well. Armed with my library card, my Netflix subscription, and a treasure in my nightstand, I should be good (at least for a bit).

This hiatus does not mean that I will turn down a guy that I feel has potential. No, not at all. It just means that my mind and goals are elsewhere and dating is not my concern. I'm not looking.

One of the elsewhere goals is to end the cycle of mediocre men and seriously bid adue to the exes hanging around. Another goal is to save some serious money so I can start making some changes in my life: redecorate my apartment, one day get out of my one bedroom apartment, have a bit of nest egg.

I understand that this may lead to a completely boring blog, so because of that, I will leave you with an entertaining story that will surely have you rolling your eyes and possibly give you a bit of a chuckle.

First, let me say that I have stuck to my guns when it came to ending the cycle with Jimmy. (Backtrack: he wound up keeping the dog. Yes, after he refused to go to The Ex's with me that fateful morning, had me in tears thinking I'd have to go alone because I couldn't stand the thought of the dog in the pound, had me calling my girlfriend who offered to temporarily take him, drove all the way to her place with the dog, he called and had changed his mind...while he was at his second job...just 3 hours later. He wouldn' t be off work until 2am so I was to keep the dog until then. I couldn't leave him in my apartment so I had to cancel the plans I had to go out with friends. My Sunday before Labor Day was ruined).

I've talked to him twice since that day. Once to return the dog's food and bowls, and the other for him to bitch and complain because one of his friends saw me out at a boxing match with a table full of guys. Yes, I was there. Yes, I was the only girl. And yes, I had a fabulous time. Call me a tom girl but I love some serious full contact sports. Sexy.

So, he calls me last night after I haven't heard from him in 3 days (which was only for him to bitch about me being with guys), asking if he had left his diamond stud earrings at my place. I knew he hadn't. He then asked if I had any cheap earrings he could borrow. Ugh, of course he wanted something. I did. He asked if I could bring them up to him. Come get them yourself if you want them, I said! He begged I just bring them up, he had just gotten out of the shower. Me being the nice person I am, agreed.

I get to his apartment and he opens the door but is hiding his body behind it. Just his head is poking around. My first reaction is that he doesn't want to let me in and just wants me to hand him the earrings. I hesitate for a second before he tells me to come in. I see behind him that the place is completely dark except for a couple of candles lit. I walk past him. "What, are you getting romantic with yourself or something?" I say. Before turning around to see that he is completely naked. Yes, naked and coming at me. Dancing toward me really. OMG, seriously? Wow. I laugh at him. What else could I do? He went on to hug and kiss me and baby this, baby that talk to me, trying to get me to do this and that, and whelp, it just wasn't happening. He realized quickly that I wasn't that easy but didn't put on his clothes. Nope, he was clearly comfy naked. He danced around like a goof ball. It was really pretty comical!

But lets be serious, I've barely talked to you and you coax me to your place under false pretenses and expect me to give it up. Sorry bud, I'm not and never will be your booty call. I'm not that girl.

He realized it wasn't happening and went and got dressed. I played with the dog who I'm hopelessly in love with for a bit before leaving.

He later called me 3 times at 1:30am. I didn't answer.

Dating hiatus has officially begun.

Be free to be afraid

I am happy to report that I had a successful first date last night. I met the guy a couple Saturday's ago at a hot spot downtown. We talked a bit, we know some of the same people, he lives and works in DC (not too far), but is in town often to visit friends.

He was in town yesterday, his birthday, to have dinner with his family. He asked if I'd like to meet for a drink after. I rarely go out on a school night, but I work in the city, coincidentally, in the building next door to where he and his fam were having dinner. So I figured why the hell not. Not to mention, I've gotta loosen up a bit. If I want change then I have to change the way I act and react. So I said yes. We decided we'd work out the details yesterday afternoon.

So on schedule I got a text from him saying he expected to be finished with dinner around 9:30ish, would that be okay? Then immediately, my cell phone died. Fab.

That's a wee bit late for me to make the trip back into the city (I love about 20 minutes north). I wasn't too keen on driving home from the city then back down hours later, only to make the trip again in the morning. I made up my mind while still at work that we'd reschedule but I'd have to wait until I got home to do so. My co-worker informed me that I'd have to call because otherwise it just sounded like an excuse. "Sorry it took a while for me to respond, my phone died right when I got your text, and oh, by the way, tonight's not going to work after all. Too late for me." Well I wasn't ready for voice-on-voice. I'm such a scaredy cat. Plus, he was having dinner with his fam....so not trying to interrupt that. So although I told her, of course I'll call, I texted. A whole hour later canceling, but I'd like to do it another time. He wrote write back.

He said he understood, thought I lived closer and well, didn't mind coming coming to get me (an extra 20 minutes north out of his way for heading home), and grabbing a drink close by. Wow, impressive.

I thought on the idea for a minute. I was all set to cancel and do nothing. Once I get in that state of mind it's hard to get out. Another one of my stupid qualities I need to change. But then, the fear crept him. Having him come to my place? Ugh, I'm such a wierdo when it comes to that stuff. I get all uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing for a bit. I grabbed the leash and took the dog for a walk.

I wracked my brain. If I say no it would require me to come up with a lame excuse, i.e. lie. I'd be mad at myself later for still effing with the immature, selfish guys in my life with no one to blame but myself for the lack of new. I'd do nothing but read and watch bad TV if I stayed in. Why do I put myself through so much mental turmoil over such trivial things? Woudn't normal people just say, okay, sounds good! I'm a mess.

So when I got back to my apartment I texted him saying that sounded good (in my most normal text voice). I was not normal on the inside.

He called me from the restaurant just before dessert and we had a good little convo. Laughing is always good. It was presh. I texted him my address and just 20 minutes later he let me know he was on his way. So far he was doing it all right.

He arrived and we headed to a local martini bar. We stayed for a few hours and talked a lot. It was good, it was nice. We'll see how it goes.

I'm just proud of myself for getting over the hump. What seemed like nothing, was big for me. The past two years has certainly been a process. I've barely put myself out there and somehow have expected change.

I've chosen guys that were not good enough for me because they were safe. I could leave them when the reality of their inadequacy became something I couldn't ignore any longer. They never left me because I was the best they could do. What's there to be afraid of if I know I'm superior and in control? Well, I can't be happy that way either. It's time to be scared.