Falling in love.

Have I got your attention? I thought so.

Well, I'm a dirty little trickster.

Lately, I've noticed that I'm happy with my small, quiet, singular life. My routine, my dog, grocery shopping, decorating, reading. Making lists, setting goals, planning. All very boring I know. I go out, don't get me wrong but I gotta admit, I don't have nearly as much fun as I used to out in the bar scene. I guess that's expected.

But regardless, I've been finding fun in the un-fun. I've been attempting to make plans for myself. I've noticed lately that I feel happy doing the mundane but could not figure out why. I mean come on, these things are not exciting. Then, it hit me. I'm falling in love. I'm falling in love with myself; with who I am, who I’m trying to be and the life I'm creating for myself. I've got big plans for myself.

At the same time, I'm ready to share my life with someone. I'm ready for someone to join my routine. I want to come home to someone, cook for someone and have someone cook for me once in a while. I want to run and bike on the trail I've discovered with someone. I want to share all of what makes me happy by myself, with someone. In the past I wanted to be with someone as a distraction. A void needing to be filled. I think that's why they always turned into feeling like an obligation rather than something I enjoyed. I finally feel like I am content with my life, by my boring self, and I want someone to join my plan. And shit, help it out a bit. I don't want to do it alone forever. But even if they don't, I'm happy going at it alone.

All of this takes a lot for me to admit and put down in black and white. I've always wanted to be strong and act as if I am perfectly fine alone, always, in case that is what's in store for me.

Since The Ex, which I realized today is going on 4 years now (I realized I've been saying 2 years for the past 2 years), I've been broken. I've really tried to belittle the heartbreak he caused. How he broke more than just my heart but my spirit. I still think of him daily. I don't know if I'll ever have again what I had with him or if I'll ever love that way again, but I know that I want to. I want it. I want it all over again with someone who won't hurt me. I hope it's out there for me.

I'm no longer afraid of sounding pathetic and hopeless by saying these things. I no longer feel the need to have an attitude that says, I don't need a man. Because the truth is, I don't need a man. I'm happy without one. I'm already in love. But I'd like one.

Hiatus:

Ended.

Almost 3 months ago to the day I instituted a dating hiatus. If I'm being totally honest, (which I always am here if no where else), I thought it would be harder to keep than it was. Regardless, dating hiatus is coming to a close. This occurs simultaneously with my attempt to come out of hibernation....hmm, may be interesting.

I'm in no way on the prowl. I'm simply open to dating whereas I was closed before. And, whelp, I actually have a drink date tomorrow night. Just drinks. Ease myself back into the pool. The eager dater has already asked for a dinner date for Friday night, but whoa, let's see how drinks go first, buddy. (I actually said that in a joking manner. Totally serious though). Luckily my friends birthday is today so I told him I wasn't sure if she'd want to do something over the weekend since her birthday is during the week. That will be my out if tomorrow's drinks are a bust.

I'll be sure to report here. Who knows, I may be the groundhog again. One date and I'm back in the hole! We'll see :)

Or not.

Totally wish I could take credit for not giving into Jimmy last night, but although we did not talk and cuddle, it was not due to my strength as an individual. It was solely due to the fact that he never brought it up again. Honestly, I did not mind in the least. He did call, and I did see him, but just because he needed to borrow butter.

I need to get it together.

Rainy Saturday

Today is one of those days when I feel the negative impacts of my dating hiatus. I'm alone and lonely. For me, there's a difference. I spend a lot of my time, I'd say the majority of my time (that I'm not at work), alone yet I do not feel lonely. Today, no such case. I'm lonely.

It's been raining all day. It's cloudy and cold. I want to curl up on the sofa with someone, order dinner and watch a movie. I want someone to want to be with me. To call me and say they want to see me, let's chill and relax. To spoon in bed with. To wake up on Sunday morning and cook breakfast with then get back into bed.

Lately I've had no desire to get all fancied up and go out. Shit, I've had no desire to go out period. So I chill. Alone. Normally I'm okay with that, but today and tonight, I'm lonely.

In other news, I spent a wee bit of time with Jimmy last night and this morning. It's not what you think and I don't think this event is linked to my feeling of loneliness though it very well may be. You be the judge. And judge you probably will. Rightfully so. The time was dog-centric. His dog. Allow me to disclose...

He called me yesterday morning to let me know that he was being evicted from his apartment unless he got rid of his dog by 5pm that day. He called me because at one point in time The Ex was willing to take him. The Ex still was. To make a long story short, I wound up meeting a woman that was keeping the dog for Jimmy last night while Jimmy coached a high school football game. I brought the dog, who I love to pieces, back to my place to keep and cuddle with for the night. Luckily, a coworker of mine who recently (sadly) put his 14-year-old dog down last week wanted to take the dog for him and his family. Fabulous set up for this dog who will bask in the attention he'll receive by being the families only dog.

So after Jimmy was finished with his game he came over to see the dog and hung out at my place for a bit. We didn't mess around. We talked. We laid on the sofa with the dog a bit. It's the oddest thing, but it's clear how content the dog is when Jimmy and I are together. When we hug, he's right in there with us. When we're sitting next to each other on the sofa, he's sure to have part of his furry body on me and the other part on Jimmy. I noticed this fact quite a while ago, but never said anything. Jimmy was actually the one to say it. Even the dog is smart enough to see what Jimmy doesn't.

I spent the night spooning with the great dane. Love him. This morning Jimmy and I drove to my coworker's place to drop off the dog. We hung out for a bit. I'm confident it's a good fit and couldn't be happier for all parties.

Though I found myself smiling while watching Jimmy interact with my coworker, a guy I've worked with for over 4 years who I love and respect like family. I wanted to lean on him or touch him while he talked with them. I wanted to be in a couple with him. I liked traveling with him. I liked being with him. I dreaded seeing our exit coming, knowing it meant our time together would be over and who knows when I'd see him again.

I think I'll always have a soft spot for him. I like him and I can't have him. I play it off while with him that I'm fine and moving on with my Ex. It's a lot less fabulous than I allow him to assume. At one point last night while we sat on opposite sides of the sofa with the dog between us he asked me if I'd missed him. I responded, "I missed Rocky." "Seriously," he said. "I missed you as much as you missed me," I said in a mocking tone. He looked down and said, "I think about you a lot." "Psh," is all I could muster. But that comment combined with that look shot right to my heart and pinched it. He jumped up and planted one little peck on my lips, then went back to his seat.

Ex-factor

The problem with hanging out with an ex, no matter how long it's been since the end, and no matter how much you've convinced yourself that you're over it all and you're now a new shiny person who is capable of a friendship, the problem is, you're wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

If you loved the person at any point in time then that love does not disappear. The relationship ended, and it ended for a reason. Probably a good one. At some point those reasons, no matter how far you've pushed them out of your mind, will resurface. Those unanswered questions will come back up. The questions you'll never truly have an answer for, except you do. You admitted them to yourself long ago, but the presence, well the presence has you being naive again. That closure you created for yourself because he just wasn't worth the time. It'll open up again. Frayed ends. You'll find yourself going through the same old motions. You'll feel that pang of hurt. It'll flood back in as though you never spent all those years building a wall. Fresh cuts as if they were carved the day before. Ouch.

Always, with that person, it will be there. No matter how much you want to prove to them that you've changed. Two years later you're different now. With them, you're not. You'll morph into that sad person. They'll get the best of you. Again. Over and over. You'll never escape it until you escape them.

Relapse

So it seems I need to be a little more clear with myself. Okay, more like harsh.

Dating hiatus does not in any way mean that you should continue to have sex with a guy who has clearly shown he is lazy and has no interest in putting the effort into you that you so deserve.

I relapsed Sunday night and slept with Jimmy. It will be the final time. I'm sure of it because of how I felt afterward. Awful. Definite post depression sunk in immediately. I was so angry with myself. So much so, that I had to leave shortly after the act. I did a fabulous job of ignoring him all weekend which of course made him come on stronger. He's so predictable. Then I ended all of that hard work with giving up in the most extreme way. No more.

I actually left and called The Ex. I needed to talk to someone. At 1am he listened to me babble about what I did, what's wrong with me, why, why, why?? I was a wreck. He just listened and told me to just stop. I'm too good for it, and I know it. He said I am too hard on myself. Sometimes I am so incredibly thankful for him. I think he has grown to be a real friend to me. In some ways.

The next day, I felt even more foolish but immediately began the process of blocking the previous nights' events out of my mind completely. I am ending this nonsense. I know I've said this time and time again.

In other news, Ken has resurfaced and his new angle is that he'd like to be friends. I guess technically he never went away in order to resurface. I have heard from him at least once a week whether it's a text or a phone call. Regardless, this new proposal is coming from the same guy who hated the fact that I had so many guy friends, (I get along great with guys, it's just easy and I have fun with them. Period). He was always adamant about the fact that he did not have friends as girls. If he was hanging out with a girl it was because he was interested in her for other reasons. And last but not least, all my guy friends "just want to fuck" me. Ironic that he now would like to be my friend.

I of course mentioned his "theory." His response is that I could be his first friend as a girl. He just misses me and maybe it will be a disaster, but it could be a good thing too. He threw in how it has taken him a long time to get over me, that he wishes I hadn't closed up on him, i.e. all things that sound like he might not actually be over me. Hmm. Well, I am always up for remaining friends with people. I can do it. My experience is that guys usually can't. I'm skeptical because I think this may just be an angle. But, I rarely turn things down without giving it a shot, so I will. I am in full control of what does and does not happen. I'll keep ya posted on the progress of that one.

Ready for the realness

August 10, 2008

I am completely and utterly sick of guys, at least the guys that are currently in my life. I believe the idea that we meet certain people in our lives for a reason. Each person has something to teach or show us. Sometimes they reveal something about ourselves to us. Mirrors. They are all lessons and once the lesson is learned, once they’ve taught or shown us what they are intended to teach or show, we move on; wiser. Until we find the person who is supposed to remain.

Victor taught me not to put up with certain abusive actions. He taught me that a person can be abusive without physically harming you. He showed me the warning signs and he made me realize I should not put up with being treated poorly and should bounce quickly. I learned that lesson the hard way.

The Ex showed me that not all people can live up to there full potential. He showed me that you cannot will someone to change and you cannot help him or her from him or herself. He also taught me that sometimes you have to put you and your happiness first, and that although there was the dream of something and the hope of a future, that future can change and when it has you have to pack up and leave. He taught me how to let go. That was the hardest lesson thus far. A lesson I’m still dealing with.

John taught me that even when there’s passion, there must be something more. He showed me that love sometimes love is not enough and that you cannot settle.

Alan showed me my demons. He helped me see that I hold onto my past like a badge and allow it to hold me back. I lean on it and use it as an excuse when I should never. He let me know that getting over being hurt is a daily struggle, something that you don’t do just once and then move on. It’s something you deal with over and over and you have to do just that. He was the first step in putting my past in the past.

Ken showed me that I have been extremely naïve when it comes to men and their intentions. I believe that all of them just want to be loved, but the truth is, some of them just want me for my body. Some of them are just after one thing and will do/say anything to get it. Ken showed me that body parts govern some men. Yes, I've heard this and known this, but I always believe the good in people and some people just don't have it. He taught me that something things just are what they are, plain and simple. This is something that is difficult to deal with.

Jimmy showed me that, shit, no matter how old you are, you can still get played. I was stupid enough to believe that that was a thing of the past, but no, some guys still think its cool and do it. Every guy I ever dated or slept with always wanted more from me and I was cocky with that assumption. He showed me that although up until this point in my 27 years I may not have been played, does not mean a guy won’t come along and do it and whelp, he did it. He got the best of me and I wont’ be stupid enough to let that happen again.

I guess I’m fed up with guys right now because the most recent lessons I’ve learned from Ken and Jimmy are the most despicable ones. Maybe I’ve always been gullible and naïve and everyone has known this about me but me. Lately I feel like I am being used by all of these guys.

Jimmy calls me when it is convenient for him. It is all about him. I hear from him only if he needs something or has something to tell me. I am here for him. Does he ever ask me about me, my day, my work? No. If I call him at any other time he is completely uninterested.

The Ex is trying to come back into my life but he is lost. He knows that he is lost and I think he thinks that if he were with me than he would find himself. I am now the answer. The Ex is always seeking the answer in another person when the truth is that he needs to find it within himself. If I were to get back with him he would only eventually feel lost and seek to be found in someone else. I am safe though. I am something he knows, something good, and since he doesn’t have me he thinks I am the answer. I’m not. Only he has the answer within himself and until he finds it he will never be happy. Truth be told, I can see him searching for his entire life. Constantly moving on and on through women and circles of friends, never looking within.

I am so disgusted by the awful truth that Ken has shown me that although I know this may be a universal truth, I associate him with that truth. I probably always will and therefore, will never be able to trust him. There's no chance I'll be able to say, "he's different," even if it's just something I chose to tell myself.

The question is, have I learned all the lessons I've needed to learn? Am I officially schooled now? Is there a reason why I’m being faced with all of these trials when it comes to relationships? Is there some sort of plan laid out for me that require me to learn all of these things? I’d like to think so. I know I’m nowhere near perfect and I feel like I did need to learn these lessons. As each layer is revealed I feel the sensation that I have been sheltered. I can’t help but wonder if I could have been perfectly happy meeting someone good without having to learn all of these truths though. I’m sure I needed to, mainly because I am attracted to, and typically go for the bad guy. This is an unhealthy pattern of mine, I know. Something that I need to grow out of and possibly this is the message I’ve been intended to learn all along. Well, I’ve got it. I’ve got it, okay?

I’m tired of the lessons; I’m tired of the bad guys. Haven’t I done my time? I’m a good person.

So with all of these lessons coming full circle, I’ve realized that I’m ready for something real. I’m ready to start something good. I’m tired of this dating game and these awful guys. I’m ready to fall for someone and I’m ready for that someone to be good. My wish at this point, is that someone, somewhere has learned a lesson or two from mine. God knows we can’t live long enough to make all of the mistakes so we’ve got to learn from others. Maybe my mistakes, my trials, my lessons, can save someone a little heartache from learning them for themselves.

The hard way

July 18, 2008

Looks like I’ve learned fast that when you putting yourself out there for the wrong person you can can be made to feel pretty darn foolish. I can’t believe he has had the power over me to make me feel like I want to cry. Thank God no real tears emerged. He definitely altered my mood to make me feel like doing nothing but stay in alone and feel sorry for myself on a Friday night, and that just pisses me off to no end. How is it that so many guys want so much from me, so much more than I’m even willing or capable of giving at the moment, yet the one guy I do want to give to couldn’t be less interested if he tried? Why do things work that way? Why does he only see me as a girl of convenience when I am so much more than that? Why am I receiving texts from Ken that illustrate exactly what I want to say to Jimmy?

Wee bit o' background

I am a twenty-something single girl who loves to write. I write solely for myself. I find it incredibly therapeutic. I could be completely and utterly confused about a situation and just the simple act of sitting down and flushing out the randomness that is in my head leads me to my conclusion. Usually. I pay no attention to punctuation being used correctly, (so I apologize in advance if the lack of expertise annoys some readers), spelling, or tenses. I just write. Wow, I just assumed people will actually read this.

Once upon a time I used to write by hand. Journaling I always called it simply because I loathe the term diary. Ugh. I felt writing by hand was so much more personal than typing away at a keyboard. Well, I've since put that theory to rest and type all of my brain dumps onto my laptop. Honestly, if a thought hits me and I'm at work type it up in an email and send it to myself then transfer it over later. If I'm nowhere near a computer I pull out my Palm and type whatever I'm thinking into the memos section. It's weird, I know, but it's what I do.

So I've been journaling in Microsoft word for over a year now and I guess I'm ready to take the next step and put it all out there. Why not, ya know? The thing is, I thought I'd start where the document on my computer starts so the first entries I post are going to be old. I will bring it all up to date so I can eventually start blogging about present day. For a bit this blog will be a mix of journal entries, quotes, song lyrics, photos, etc. Anything that catches my eye really. Hence, sheer randomness.

Tiny tidbit, names of men have been changed in an attempt to remain anonymous. The Ex will always be referred to as such; The Ex. (I think this is my subconscious not wanting him to somehow telepathically feel pleasure/know that I am writing/thinking about him. I apologize in advance if this causes confusion but let's be serious, whose life isn't confusing?

"How can I know what I think unless I see what I write? My writing is the submarine or spaceship which takes me to the unknown worlds within my head. And the adventure is endless and inexhaustible. If I learn to build the right vehicle, then I can discover even more territories."
-Erica Jong