Mom sitting

For the past 3 days I've been staying at my parent's place out in the middle of nowhere. I'm taking care of my Mom and the farm. The farm which consists of 5 horses (one of which is a baby), a miniature donkey, 2 dogs and a shit ton of geese and chickens. Yeah, I'm trudging it to the barn every morning at 8am and every evening rather then fighting traffic to and from my 9-5.

The reason? My Mom fell off one of those horses this past weekend and broke her shoulder. On Tuesday she had surgery to put a plate and some screws in there. That woman is scaring me these days. This is the 3rd time she's fallen in as many months and this is the first time she's been seriously hurt. She's a pistol that woman, 54 and running around like a 30-year-old, bless her heart. So I'm here on farm duty until the weekend when my Dad can take over. My boss at work is wonderful, not minding I take off for the week at the drop of the dime. I'm in my email, working from home as much as I can.

So I've been feeding the animals, feeding my parents, running on the trails, reading books and surfing the net. I brought my pooch with me, he loves it out here but boy am I missing my routine.

I didn't realize how much of my own world I'd created until I was taken out of it. My family is great, but I miss the life I've created for myself. I'm happy about this. Some people go "home" to their parent's and never want to leave. To me, home is MY home. My place. And I love that.

I love that, and with that love comes the want for a challenge. I'm ready to spread my wings even more and really vacate my comfort zone. This feeling has been bubbling for quite a while, and recently a solution has floated to the surface. I thought the answer was taking the step to buy a home because, well, that felt like the logical next step in my life. Then I realized it wasn't. A home would just keep me here. The challenge I really want and need is relocation.

I was born and raised in this same town. I didn't go away to college I stayed close to home. I've always stayed close. In my comfort zone. So all aspects came together. I hate the cold, I hibernated this winter. I want to move to the West Coast. San Diego specifically. I've been doing research on location and jobs. The more I learn the more I want it. I'm going to make it happen. It's the change I need. I can leave behind all this past that's been sticking with me and start new. There is no better time for me to do this. I have no obligations and nothing to hold me back. Nothing.

With that said I'm itching to get back to my life that is still here. I'm leaving the 'rent's place tomorrow and already have plans to meet some friends for a happy hour party downtown. So excited. My best guy friend is coming too, who...

Side note: did a little late-night confessing to me Saturday night when I went out with the boys. I often go out with the boys and when I do I AM one of the boys. Seriously. No holding back in front of this girl and damn it, I buy rounds too. We dance, we have fun. This time, me and 10 guys. Guys are so refreshing and easy. No drama, it is what it is. They just want to have a good time and that's just what goes down. Beer and shots. Dancing. Then pizza at the end of the night. Hella good time.

My best guy friend and I have been friends since middle school and we've been there through many boyfriends and girlfriends. He's The Ex's cousin for goodness sake. But we've remained great friends. We have a pact that if neither of us are married by 35, we'll marry each other. This has always been sort of a joke to me, but he confessed on Saturday night just how much it's not a joke to him. He basically wanted confirmation that should the time come, I would not say that I only thought of him as a friend and nothing else because he was counting on me. Pretty sure that was his way of discovering if right now, I only thought of him as a friend. Of course when he'd asked me I had just chased down my second shot of Grey Goose with my Miller Lite and pinkie shook that HELL NO, I would NEVER say that! Ah well. Ignoring that convo and moving right along. So far, so good. He has a girlfriend. He'll be fine. End Side note.

OH, and let me mention that Monday night as I'm packing up my car at 10pm to head to my parent's, who FLEW by? The freaking orange car! WTMF (what the mothafuck)?! The adult crush should have successfully moved this past Friday. NO reason to be cruising past my apartment at that hour. I was sort of saying goodbye to a male friend (nope, not getting into that now), so I'm sure he saw. I'm sure he did. What I'm not sure of, is WHY he was there. But what I do know, is that it BETTER not have been to check on me.

Okay, so I realize I've rambled in all directions. My apologies. Sometimes my brain just jumps from topic to topic and sometimes it feels good to roll with it. This is reality, and sometimes I just can't wrap my posts up and tie them with a bow. My bad.

Falling in love.

Have I got your attention? I thought so.

Well, I'm a dirty little trickster.

Lately, I've noticed that I'm happy with my small, quiet, singular life. My routine, my dog, grocery shopping, decorating, reading. Making lists, setting goals, planning. All very boring I know. I go out, don't get me wrong but I gotta admit, I don't have nearly as much fun as I used to out in the bar scene. I guess that's expected.

But regardless, I've been finding fun in the un-fun. I've been attempting to make plans for myself. I've noticed lately that I feel happy doing the mundane but could not figure out why. I mean come on, these things are not exciting. Then, it hit me. I'm falling in love. I'm falling in love with myself; with who I am, who I’m trying to be and the life I'm creating for myself. I've got big plans for myself.

At the same time, I'm ready to share my life with someone. I'm ready for someone to join my routine. I want to come home to someone, cook for someone and have someone cook for me once in a while. I want to run and bike on the trail I've discovered with someone. I want to share all of what makes me happy by myself, with someone. In the past I wanted to be with someone as a distraction. A void needing to be filled. I think that's why they always turned into feeling like an obligation rather than something I enjoyed. I finally feel like I am content with my life, by my boring self, and I want someone to join my plan. And shit, help it out a bit. I don't want to do it alone forever. But even if they don't, I'm happy going at it alone.

All of this takes a lot for me to admit and put down in black and white. I've always wanted to be strong and act as if I am perfectly fine alone, always, in case that is what's in store for me.

Since The Ex, which I realized today is going on 4 years now (I realized I've been saying 2 years for the past 2 years), I've been broken. I've really tried to belittle the heartbreak he caused. How he broke more than just my heart but my spirit. I still think of him daily. I don't know if I'll ever have again what I had with him or if I'll ever love that way again, but I know that I want to. I want it. I want it all over again with someone who won't hurt me. I hope it's out there for me.

I'm no longer afraid of sounding pathetic and hopeless by saying these things. I no longer feel the need to have an attitude that says, I don't need a man. Because the truth is, I don't need a man. I'm happy without one. I'm already in love. But I'd like one.

Double the pleasure

I am currently overflowing with excitement. I am fighting the urge to put exclamation points after all of my sentences (because it's just annoying and feels like the writer is screaming at you). I just wanna jump up and down and shriek! (Let me have one).

Professionally, I'm movin' on up. Just had an awesome, low-key coffee meeting with the managing director of my agency; i.e. the big guy, to discuss my "professional development." It was actually part 2 of a discussion we had before the holiday. He is awesome. I'm so excited to learn more and gain more marketable skills. Not to mention, it's great to hear positive feedback from anyone, not to mention, management. Hell yes!

Personally, I have date number 2 with the fireman tonight. He called me last night. (Perfect timing if you ask me. Our last date was Sunday then he worked 7am-7am Mon to yesterday). I was in the gym so I called him after I was finished. We had a good little convo. I slipped in there that I didn't think the Sat wedding would work out. He was totally cool about it which I was sure he would be. I have a super busy weekend ahead of me, so he asked me out to dinner for tonight.

Is it possible that the love life and the professional life can BOTH be going well at the same time?! I thought that was completely unheard of!

Ah well, early days, early days. But exciting nonetheless!

P.S. I apologize for how many times I just said "awesome" and the use of exclamation points. Trust me, I toned it down as much as I could.

This just happened...

Currently, it's Saturday morning. I'm lounging on my love seat with my lap top on my lap, scanning through the many pages of my tumblr dashboard while watching The Goonies and drinking Cinnamon Spice Dunkin Donuts coffee (God, I love Saturdays). I'm sitting here thinking about how I want to buy a house. Daydreaming about all aspects of it. As I'm sitting here, I glance out my sliding glass door windows.

I'm on the second floor of my apartment building. Behind my building is a very steep, large hill. At the top of the hill the ground levels off to a parking lot that backs up to the next set of apartment buildings. I can see cars driving through the circle up there.

Well, I glance out the sliding glass door windows to see a large Uhaul-looking truck make the turn in the parking lot. Except the truck is not a moving truck, it's a piano moving company truck. Who knew there were moving companies specific to pianos?

Why is this significant to me, you ask? It is significant, especially at the very moment that I'm thinking of my potential new home, because I remember that I have a piano! My piano is an old upright player piano (the kind that you can set to play by itself). The piano used to belong to my grandparents. I took lessons for many years while growing up, and always when I went to my grandparent's house I would play their piano with my Pop. I would play and my younger cousin would dance on the circular braided rug behind me and play with my long hair. When my Pop died, I begged my grandmother to let me have it. She did.

That piano has been sitting in The Exe's parent's basement for four long years. I've never lived in the same place as it. We moved the piano there when we bought the house together, but hadn't finished our basement yet. That was where it was going to go. Obviously that plan went to shit and the piano is still sitting there.

As I'm sitting here I am reminded that when I buy my very own home I'll be able to bring that piano that means so much. I'm officially excited.

Ready, Set, WAIT!

I'm ready to buy a house. Mentally that is. Financially? Jury's still out on that one. But, first things first. Mentally, I'm ready to be a home-owner. I've been doing some research on the web and checking out prices. I'm sorta getting excited about it, but also getting totally afraid of things like: my credit score, finances, all of the steps, the commitment, can I even do it on my own?! Well, I want to. This is a big, first step for me. Let's see if I can make it happen.

I'm ready to date again. Of course since I'm ready I find no one worth dating.

The "new boy" that I mentioned in the past; let's just call him Insurance boy because he works for an Insurance company (why did I capitalize that)? Anyway, Insurance boy is trying to make a lame-ass come back. That's the thing about texting, makes it so easy for boys to produce lameness.

The cable guy that has been trying to date me since I broke up with The Ex (yes, that's 2-1/2 years for those keeping track), is still yes, trying to date me. Persistence award for him. (Recap: he's called the cable guy because he works for Comcast and hooked me up with free cable when I first moved out and was dirt poor. I now have a nicer place, digital cable that I pay for, and even a flat screen TV. WOO)! But yeah, trying to date even though he says he's not trying to date me, "it's just dinner." Bull.

My mail man is trying to date me. Now, my mail man is a guy I knew from middle school. Small effing world. I discovered he was my mail man a few months ago when he left one of those USPS slips that let you know you have a package at the post office in my mailbox with a cryptic note saying hi and who he was. Now let me just say, he did not include on that wee little note that he was my mailman so it creeped me out. It wasn't until he found me on facebook and told me that I felt slightly relieved. Since then, he's been trying to date me. I'm sorry, but just because I kissed you on a park bench when I was 12, doesn't mean I'm going to have lunch with you at the ripe age of 28. Over the holiday he went as far as holding my packages hostage so he could come by and drop them off himself. Ugh. I couldn't get out of that one, and had to let him stop by. Blah.

But no new boys and that's what I want.

I'm ready for more money, but don't foresee it coming from my current gig. I'm spending the weekends job hunting and tightening up my resume.

Guess I've got big plans for 2009. Who knew?!

In other, completely unrelated news, I'm going to a happy hour with a couple ladies after work tonight. So excited that it's Friday! Tomorrow the brother is coming into town and we're gonna meet some people and watch some playoff football. I got nada on Sunday and that's just how I like it. I do, in fact, have Housebunny on DVD (go ahead, judge). The weekend seems to be shaping up nicely. I'll be in touch!

Things to do before you turn 30

Reblogged from http://kari-shma.blogspot.com

Bold the ones you’ve done. (Original post found here)

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain (does it count if it was while in a car)?
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula (in the wild, in Cali)
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris (I've visited Paris in Vegas)!
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theatre
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on a television news program as an “expert”
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking with the windows open
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Conclusion: I have a lot to do in two short years.

A Divine 2009

I'm optimistic about this new year of 2009. Possibly this is simply because I am a relentlessly optimistic person by nature. Regardless, I am.

I am optimistic despite the fact that I've never felt more alone in my life. Alone in my social life, specifically, both sexes. Girlfriends, boyfriends; there's no discrimination.

I'm sure it goes without saying that I am in fact, single. My best friend and her long-time, fabulous boyfriend just got engaged on New Year's Eve. I am SO happy for them. Seriously. They're one of those amazing couples that compliment each other perfectly and have a wonderful, strong relationship. They're that couple you hang out with but never, not for one second, feel like a third wheel. Awesome in every sense. (Teensy bit depressed for little old me). Not showing it. Promise. The majority of my other friends, even my best guy friend most recently, are coupled up. I'm through with casual encounters. This feels good, but at times, baaaad. Painful even. The Ex is gone and gone for good this time. Restraining order boy is also done and done. Jimmy and I are friends, but strictly friends. Like I said, no casual encounters. New boy? Done.

So yep, that leaves me all by my lonesome. I stay in a lot lately. And I mean a lot. I stay in alone a lot. A lot. Except I go to the gym. Oh, an Target.

So why am I optimistic you ask? Well, there is no negativity in my life. There is no poison. The bad people are gone. The new people I choose to let into my life will be positive and I plan on being sure of that. As many of us do around this time, I feel as though I have a clean slate. The skeletons have been yanked, pulled, and drug out, (more times than necessary), and have been laid to a final rest. I've exhausted all opportunities that lie in my past. There are no unanswered questions left to explore in '09.

I've had my heart broken. But it's over. I've been betrayed, disappointed, let down. I plan to live smarter in the coming year. I rang in 2009 with new friends. Yes, it was awkward to get all dressed up in a cocktail dress, drive to the city, park, and walk to a house I'd never been, to a party that housed only one person I knew well and one other I'd met only once before, completely alone. Yes, it was odd. But I had a fabulous time. Everyone was so incredibly fun and friendly. (I realize alcohol was involved, but still). I accepted an invitation that I'm sure I would not have this same time last year.

They say the way you spend your New Year's Eve celebration is a reflection of how you will spend that new coming year, and I'd like to believe that I will spend 2009 stepping outside of my comfort zone, meeting new positive people, therefore allowing myself and my experiences to change. From new things comes change, and I've been stuck in a holding pattern expecting to find something new in the old. I stumbled upon a yearly horoscope for "the year ahead: 2009" and found this:

"Ditch your ideas about the way things ‘should’ be, because these will only stand in your way. It’s time to let go and experiment. Sometimes control isn’t possible."

And that's just what I plan to do. Call it my, I don't know, New Year's Resolution? Original, I know.

Happy New Year, all. Cheers.

Hiatus:

Ended.

Almost 3 months ago to the day I instituted a dating hiatus. If I'm being totally honest, (which I always am here if no where else), I thought it would be harder to keep than it was. Regardless, dating hiatus is coming to a close. This occurs simultaneously with my attempt to come out of hibernation....hmm, may be interesting.

I'm in no way on the prowl. I'm simply open to dating whereas I was closed before. And, whelp, I actually have a drink date tomorrow night. Just drinks. Ease myself back into the pool. The eager dater has already asked for a dinner date for Friday night, but whoa, let's see how drinks go first, buddy. (I actually said that in a joking manner. Totally serious though). Luckily my friends birthday is today so I told him I wasn't sure if she'd want to do something over the weekend since her birthday is during the week. That will be my out if tomorrow's drinks are a bust.

I'll be sure to report here. Who knows, I may be the groundhog again. One date and I'm back in the hole! We'll see :)

Counting Benjis

In this crazy economy, and by crazy what I really mean is awful, frustrating and depressing, I am trying to save money. It is not an easy feat. I'm sure I'm probably preaching to the choir.

Being a single girl in this economy is rough. (Even more so now that I've instituted this little dating hiatus). I envy my co workers and friends that can go shopping for the new season's clothes. I miss living in a home with someone and having dual incomes. I realize this is all a part of growing up and boy have I done a lot of growing in the past two years. I've made sacrifices and I keep on making them. I'm counting on them all paying off at one point. It's got to. I've gone back to my natural hair color and color it myself to ward off high priced salon color treatments. I get my hair cut at the Hair Cuttery for christ's sake! No more manis and pedis. My indulgements are Netflix and my gym membership. The occasional lunch trip to Chipotle. No shopping. Seriously, I can't remember the last time I stepped foot into a mall.

I must say I am proud of myself for at least being able to support myself while paying all of my bills, and still surviving. I joke that once my direct deposit hits my bank account I gotta hurry up and get rid of all of my money to pay rent, bills and loans, but thank god I have the money to pay all of those bills. To be able to live by myself without a roommate and support my two furry four-legged friends. Those two count on me doggone it! (Ignore that bad pun). But I'm doing it.

This dating hiatus has been a blessing. After getting over the initial bout of lonliness that I'm sure will resurface from time to time. But this is the first time in my life I've spent a significant amount of time by myself. I'm realizing this is me, this is it. At least for now. And that's okay. I am capable. I need to live like this is how it could always be. It's amazing to me how much I continue to learn and grow. I've realized that I have no idea what I want. I cannot committ to anything when it comes to guys. Not even dinner. Even if I manage to committ to dinner I can't committ to a time, a place. I have issues. And that's okay. I've been dating as if I want something more, but I don't. Then I wind up ditching these guys once they start to talk about exclusivitey. I like the possibility of a guy, but once I have him the possibility is gone and therefore so is my interest. So dating hiatus has been a great idea and it is a plan I'm sticking with for a while. And I'm not going to decide to get off of the hiatus because I meet a guy. I need to be off of it because I'm ready to be and if I meet a guy AFTER that, fab.

So now here I am focused on saving. I'd like to get out of my one-bedroom apartment and buy a house. How awesome would it be if I could do that on my own? I'm gonna try. Who says I can't?

Total distress

July 31, 2008

I’m just going to let it happen. Clearly I’m not finished. He probably isn’t too right? I had sex with Jimmy last night. I hope he’s not just using me for sex out of sheer convenience. I hope I’m not being naïve by feeling as though he genuinely likes me. Am I just being foolish and ignoring the signs because I like him so much? Maybe. I can’t help but be hooked on him. I fell for him and I can’t get back up. I’m single so I’m technically not hurting anyone. Unless you count the fact that I’m still talking to Ken (technically), and haven’t’ updated him on Jimmy and my status. Nor have I updated Jimmy on Ken and my status. At two separate points I thought I was done with both of them. Since then, I've hooked up with Ken (last Saturday) and have sorta been talking to him again. And at one point Jimmy and I got into a fight and he said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore and at that point I told Ken. Since then (the very next day), Jimmy took it all back and called me and we’ve been talking again…and hooked up last night. So basically, I’m back to talking to both of them…and hooking up with both of them? Ugh. I don’t want to be doing that. I’d like to look at it like before Jimmy and I hooked up, I hooked up with Ken. It happened, but before Ken I had hooked up with Jimmy, and before that The Ex, John, etc. Not like I’m doing it simultaneously. Obviously I am more concerned about making things work with Jimmy (for some reason), and now that we’ve had sex I plan on keeping away from Ken physically. I will talk to him. Shit, he drunk dialed/texted me four times last night. It sucks because it seems Ken feels for me what I feel for Jimmy.

I just can’t read Jimmy. He made a good point yesterday when he said that when you try to be with girls, they’re not interested. They don’t like it. As soon as you stop trying, they want to be with you. That’s exactly what happened with the two of us. I can’t deny that to him. So I agreed, yes, it’s true. We do. But. If I weren’t interested than this whole thing would’ve just went away. Now I feel like if you did try again or come at me like that, I would want it. I’d want you too. He is stubborn and stuck on not trying anymore. At least that is what he says. I can’t tell where his mind is, what he’s thinking about me and what he’s thinking about us. Part of me feels like he is just afraid, scared and/or too stubborn to give it a shot. The other part thinks I’m looking way too much into it and the truth is just that he was into me, then we had sex, and he wasn’t anymore. And now, since I live near him and obviously still like him, why not play games, fuck around, and have sex with me? I hope that’s not it but I might just be ignoring that because I don’t want to believe it. I definitely don’t want to believe it, that’s for sure. But is it right in front of my face and I just can’t see it because I don’t want to? I’ll never really, truly know. All I can do is decide what I want and not worry so much about his intentions unless I have solid proof that he is using me or he disrespects me and starts to treat me poorly. I will not and cannot be blind to that. Until then, I am single and I am incredibly attracted to this guy. I like him.

I just hate how I sell my short with him. I deserve more than he gives me. I really do. I know that. I let him get away with not treating me up to par because I like him, but why? Why do I let this 23-year-old boy get away with the bare minimum? I don’t like that I do that yet at the same time I can’t stop allowing it to happen. I think I need to stop that, at least. I need to stop making it so easy for him. I need to make him work for it a little bit more at least. I am a 27-year-old attractive woman who many guys would be ecstatic to have a chance to be with. Who go to great lengths to be with me. I can’t just let a kid have it for free. Shit, I’ve had a marriage proposal and another guy ask me to move in with him just this month!

Okay, so new plan. Yes, I had sex with him last night. But, from this point forward he needs to make an effort and come to me. I will not be calling him. He will be calling me. I will not tell him of any other guys because although that makes him jealous and keeps him on his toes, that also pisses him off and makes him act our or, “get even.” I don’t need anymore set backs. I’m just going to be going about my life and keep telling him what I have been…that I’m done with guys! Let’s see if I can actually do it this time.

God, why have I had this ridiculous kindergarten crush for three months now?

I can’t shake it, damn it, I can’t. Over and over I feel like I’ve reached the point where I am done, finished. Then days go by and the old feelings resurface and I see that I’m not at all done. I won’t be done until the feelings stop resurfacing. My mind is ready to be done, but something else is not. I refuse to say my heart, ugh. The good news is that I’m pretty sure each time the feelings come back they are less strong. If we keep going at this rate, hopefully the time will come that the feelings do not come back is sooner rather than later. Little by little they are widdled away. Of course the second they are gone will the same second that he’ll decide to start trying the way I’ve wanted him to all along. Of course by then it will be too late, as always, and I’ll have to fight it. Or worse, I won’t even care.