A**hole factor

A conclusion has been made, and only after two hours of conversation with my closest friend, (aka my soul twin). Together we pushed, pulled, and trudged through our twisted psyches and a verdict was reached alas. Considering I've been dating for fifteen plus years, two hours ain't half bad. It is not uncommon that as her and I talk things out, one or both of us experience some sort of revelation. In fact, rarely does this fail to occur. Last night definite headway was made. It's like free therapy. Seriously.

The precursor to the convo was a toxic ex trying to claw his way back into my friend's life, (for the fourth time), and her illogical contemplation of it. Also, my simultaneous developing revelations that begged to be shared with a kindred spirit.

It hit me one day while driving, (as thoughts usually do), that I have never been in a relationship with a guy who treated me well. I've dated guys who have treated me well for periods of time, sure. Done nice things for me, yes. But I never kept these guys around for long. I jokingly refer to it as my three month itch. No matter how much I may be into someone in the beginning, how I feel after three months is the ultimate test. The make or break. The ones that make it, the ones I really get involved with, have been the ones who ultimately treated me badly. So I got to thinking about why this is. Why have I never been with someone who was good to me? Consistently good to me. Well, it hasn't happened by chance.

I realized that I've never allowed myself to be in a relationship where a man treated me well. I have let these men treat me poorly; welcomed it and went back countless times for more. Assholes don't just find me, I find them. Everyone meets them. The assholes. Most people discard them. Me? Well, I welcome them, allow them to pull up a chair, make themselves at home, and stay for a bit. In some cases, years. This may not be a conscious choice, but it is still a choice that I myself make. I'm not unlucky while the other girls are lucky to meet the guys that treat them well. I meet the nice guys too I just send them packing for some reason. Usually the reason is that something is missing, there's no connection, or there's not enough physical attraction. What's actually missing? The asshole factor.

I know what you're thinking, we're those girls who like assholes. It's not that cut and dry and it's not something we enjoy. It is so much more then that. Let me attempt to explain.

I'm sure you've heard the saying, "True love is the soul's recognition of it's counterpart in another" (I'm not talking love in all cases but you get the idea). Well that's just what we're dealing with. We recognize in them something that is also in us. We're assholes. Oh yes, we ourselves are proud owners of the asshole factor. We fuck up. A lot. We hurt people, we do things wrong. Some people are straight and narrow, we are not. Some people make normal mistakes, we make epic ones. We have a past speckled with indiscretions and the threat of more in the future, (though I think I'm growing out of it). I refer back to the quote I entered in a post just days ago, and am surprised I didn't realize it then:

"I pair up with these male versions of myself so that I don't have to acknowledge my own fear of making a serious commitment."

So while we're with these guys who wear their asshole status on their sleeves, we feel safe. Yes, it's twisted I agree. The one thing we can count on is that they will mess up. They will hurt us. Then, when we do the same, we won't feel as badly. But the nice guy? The good guy who treats us well? Oh God if we were to hurt him, we couldn't live with ourselves. We don't want to hurt them. We're still assholes and they deserve nice girls.

Armed with this recognition of myself and my part in this matter, I feel so much better. Admitting is the first step, right? Knowing is half the battle, is it not? I realize that the reason guys treat me badly is directly related to my choices (poor as they may be). I have control. I have the power to change this. I may have been saying I want a nice guy, but I don't. Even though I say I'm sick of guys, and wonder why I can't just find a guy like "this" or a guy like "that," I'm making my bed. Voluntarily, though not incredibly consciously (until now). It is valid, I'm sick of guys but what I'm sick of is guys with the asshole factor. I need to check myself.

I had mentioned that I'm raising my standards, and I am. All of these factors are in conjunction with one another and all of them will work together to help me grow out of this stage of my life with guys and be happy, with someone. Because until the asshole factor within myself dies, I won't be ready to take on the nice guy. Here's hoping it jumps off a cliff some time soon.

Company is comforting

Good to know there are others who feel as I do. I can't explain how I fell (well), but this person did, and apparently an entire tumblr. is dedicated to people like us. So there's an audience! I feel a teensy bit better about this. From: http://ilovehateyou.tumblr.com.

This is for the people that care too much. The people who want too much, and at the same time want nothing at all. At least we want to want that. We want to walk away, we want to say no, we want to forget everything, and we want to be detached and not care.

Unfortunately, we can’t walk away. We say yes, and we remember every single little fucking detail, more clearly, and more vividly than when it happened. We are attached.

And we couldn’t care more.

Other quotes that are speaking to me today:

"I pair up with these male versions of myself so that I don't have to acknowledge my own fear of making a serious commitment."

-Wendy Merrill.

Welcome to my brain, Wendy.

And:

“You have the idea that you should be mating for life, but that is not what you really want. You aren’t dealing with the fact that you don’t want more, or you wouldn’t have been with these guys to begin with. When you really want something more, you will have it. In the meantime, please be less hard on yourself, and try to enjoy it.”

-I copied this from a book I was reading, but failed to note the author. My bad.

p.s. Just in case you're missing the connection between the photo and title, these are my comfort foods. Mmmm.

Emotional masochism

So not long after clicking "publish post" on my last entry, he called and asked if I wanted to take the dog to the park with him. And I said? What every emotional masochist says, duh. Yes.

Why not throw some salt in that wound? Hey, lets extend the rehabilitation process of our last meeting by a few weeks. Why not? Oh and hey, bring your camera so you can document it all and pour over it later when you're really in the throws of feeling miserable for yourself. Atta girl.

As always I had so much fun with him and the time spent was too short. Again he asked me to come in at the end and again I said no. Again he asked me to stay with him and again I said no out loud while inside I was screaming yes.

Though I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy, it is comforting to know that one of my close friends is also experiencing an adult crush. Or waves an old one, whatever, I'm not picky. The symptoms are equally deadly. She had this to say:

"I guess some people just get under our skin and stay there. But God, what I wouldn't give to make those butterflies go away."

Amen to that.

Fire extinguished

So the beginning went well, as I've come to learn during my short stint in the adult dating world, most dating beginnings usually do. I've also learned it does not serve you will to slap an opinion on a guy/relationship too soon because once the few weeks it takes for the freak flag to rise fully ensue, you'll simply wind up biting your tongue and doing some explaining to your girlfriends as to why the fabulous guy has turned into a douche seemingly overnight. It also helps you to seem a little less like a bipolar freak. I'm sure my poor mother has her doubts concerning her only daughter.

So anyway, it went well before it didn't. I first felt as though the fact that he was very laid back, casual and whatever-like in regard to making plans and such was a plus. No worry about being pressured into dinner/drinks/movies/blah during the week when I'd rather go to the gym, watch Grey's or do nothing at all. Score. Until of course, that casualness turned into total non-plan making. Period. Oh, he still wanted to do things. He wanted a commitment from me as to when we'd see each other next before he left my presence the last time. What would we do? Who knows. Who cares. Equals? Nada. Yeah, as much as I don't want to date a drill sergeant (Ken), I need a guy to make a plan. I don't want to be forced into the plan, but I want a guy to take the reigns. I have no problem with taking them once in a while, but I stress, once in a while. I'm old fashioned. It's just how I roll.

So once I allowed the fireman to enter my cozy apartment, it was love at first sight. For him. He loved my cozy comfy couches, my big plasma TV. I get it. I love them too. That's why I live here. But you my friend, do not. And you are not my boyfriend. Therefore, you still need to date me. And as we've all learned from He's Just Not That Into You, "hanging out is not dating." Basically, somewhere along the line the fireman simply attempted to nail down a date where we'd "do something" with no plan as to what that something would be. I'd bring up places to eat, etc and he was always uninterested. He even went as far as to ask me to lunch on a Saturday afternoon and then show up at my place "not hungry." I'm serious. He said he wasn't really hungry. Considering our plan was to physically eat lunch, I freaking was. I'm not one of those girls who doesn't eat. I eat and this girl was hungry. I told him this. He had no real reaction.

The final straw was on a different Saturday night about 3 weeks ago. We were both going out in the city with our own separate groups of friends. I was already feeling uninterested by this point, but agreed to us meeting up at some point for a drink. He'd be with his friends, I'd be with mine, no harm done. No one-on-one time. We texted on and off throughout the night and I let him know which neighborhood I was in around 11pm. But, it turned into a serious girl night. One of those good dance nights/one friend gets beligerently drunk nights. You know the kind.

Well the fireman kept calling and I finally was able to answer and actually hear him. He asked if he should come over my way, he was getting into a cab, his friends were staying, he was coming alone. Wtf?! So wait, it's 12:30 am, you're going to come to where I am alone without a car i.e. leach yourself onto me for the night? Ew, no thanks. Not the dynamic I was going for. I told him it probably wasn't a good idea, my friends were pretty drunk and I'd be doing some serious babysitting, another time. It was almost 1am anyway, sorta pointless when last call is at 1:30 and it would take him at least that long to get over to where I was anyway. What was the point?

After that phone call he continued to call and call and call. I'm talking about 15-20 times. I didn't answer. I told him not to come, period end of story. By that time my friend and I were in a late night pizza joint enjoying some greasy food, watching the drunks walk by, and talking to other drunk pizza patrons. I just looked at my phone as he called and called. Totally turned me off. I mean, come on man. Then he started texting me. "Where are you?" "Where are you, babe?" Ugh, babe? Really? Loathe when that comes from guys who have no business using it. Then, "I'm around the corner, where are you?" "I'm here, where are you?" Phone call, phone call, phone call. You get the point. It's after 2am by now. I was so annoyed that he was there but still planned to ignore. I told you not to come, not my problem. So then my friend and I walk out of the pizza place, turn the corner, and who is standing on the corner ON THE FREAKIN' PHONE? You guessed it. The fireman. I wanted to throw up in my mouth.

Long story short, he shows up, no car, no where to stay, too drunk to drive (so he said) and couldn't go home (so he said). We tried to get him to stay at my friend's place in the city but he was just so damn persistent and I am too damn nice. I wound up bringing him home with me with the promise he'd have someone bring him to his car in the morning. On the car ride home I explained how I just wasn't that into him anymore. It was awkward, but it was needed. Especially after that awkward spectacle. Shit, he forced it. He slept on my couch, as he always did. I never let that boy into my bed. In the morning he made no attempts to "call a friend" and my dumb ass drove him to his car. We parted with my agreeing to one more date to see if something might still be there. Damn my niceness. Never fails to be taken advantage of. Why can't I be a cold-hearted bitch when necessary?!

So he went to FL for a week and said he wouldn't call me, I should call him. So of course I didn't. The more time that went by, the more disgusted and turned off I was with his behavior. His lack of effort in an attempt to gain maximum benefits. I mean really. So I decided I'd have yet another talk with him to let him know it was done. I have to. Finalize the deal. Why put myself through anymore? He failed. He's friends with my good friends' boyfriend. There's no sweeping this one under the rug. Believe me, I contemplated it.

So I finally called him last week. The day I call him to break the news is the same day his grandmother has a stroke and he spends the day in the hospital. Fabulous. Totally bad form if I broke the news then. So I listened for about 45 minutes, wished my best, and told him we'd talk later. I figured I should at least wait until his grandmother is OK and out of the hospital. I called him over the weekend--g-mom is still hospitalized and I am still an ass allowing this thing to drag on. I still, have yet, to break the news. But, I've called twice so I feel good about myself. I'm not calling anymore. I don't owe this guy all of that. Done.

So I just spent way much more time than I would have preferred discussing the fireman. Sorry about that.

In other news I just got over the stomach flu. (Wow, aren't I a barrel of fun--failed relationships, stomach flu, fabulous).

P.S. I lied. You know what sealed the deal? As I was explaining to him how there was simply something missing between the two of us, he said, "Why are you playing so hard to get?" I felt like saying (and wish I would have because it's true):

I'm not playing hard to get, I am hard to get.

Quote me on that ish.

A Divine 2009

I'm optimistic about this new year of 2009. Possibly this is simply because I am a relentlessly optimistic person by nature. Regardless, I am.

I am optimistic despite the fact that I've never felt more alone in my life. Alone in my social life, specifically, both sexes. Girlfriends, boyfriends; there's no discrimination.

I'm sure it goes without saying that I am in fact, single. My best friend and her long-time, fabulous boyfriend just got engaged on New Year's Eve. I am SO happy for them. Seriously. They're one of those amazing couples that compliment each other perfectly and have a wonderful, strong relationship. They're that couple you hang out with but never, not for one second, feel like a third wheel. Awesome in every sense. (Teensy bit depressed for little old me). Not showing it. Promise. The majority of my other friends, even my best guy friend most recently, are coupled up. I'm through with casual encounters. This feels good, but at times, baaaad. Painful even. The Ex is gone and gone for good this time. Restraining order boy is also done and done. Jimmy and I are friends, but strictly friends. Like I said, no casual encounters. New boy? Done.

So yep, that leaves me all by my lonesome. I stay in a lot lately. And I mean a lot. I stay in alone a lot. A lot. Except I go to the gym. Oh, an Target.

So why am I optimistic you ask? Well, there is no negativity in my life. There is no poison. The bad people are gone. The new people I choose to let into my life will be positive and I plan on being sure of that. As many of us do around this time, I feel as though I have a clean slate. The skeletons have been yanked, pulled, and drug out, (more times than necessary), and have been laid to a final rest. I've exhausted all opportunities that lie in my past. There are no unanswered questions left to explore in '09.

I've had my heart broken. But it's over. I've been betrayed, disappointed, let down. I plan to live smarter in the coming year. I rang in 2009 with new friends. Yes, it was awkward to get all dressed up in a cocktail dress, drive to the city, park, and walk to a house I'd never been, to a party that housed only one person I knew well and one other I'd met only once before, completely alone. Yes, it was odd. But I had a fabulous time. Everyone was so incredibly fun and friendly. (I realize alcohol was involved, but still). I accepted an invitation that I'm sure I would not have this same time last year.

They say the way you spend your New Year's Eve celebration is a reflection of how you will spend that new coming year, and I'd like to believe that I will spend 2009 stepping outside of my comfort zone, meeting new positive people, therefore allowing myself and my experiences to change. From new things comes change, and I've been stuck in a holding pattern expecting to find something new in the old. I stumbled upon a yearly horoscope for "the year ahead: 2009" and found this:

"Ditch your ideas about the way things ‘should’ be, because these will only stand in your way. It’s time to let go and experiment. Sometimes control isn’t possible."

And that's just what I plan to do. Call it my, I don't know, New Year's Resolution? Original, I know.

Happy New Year, all. Cheers.

Sophia Loren

"A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its' purpose without obstructing the view."

Chin up

"Chin up. Shoulders back. Walk proud. Strut a little. Don’t lick your wounds: celebrate them. The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor. You’re in a lion fight. Just because you didn’t win doesn’t mean you don’t know how to roar"

— Greys Anatomy

Notable quotes

I'm a quote junky. I'm also a book junky. Put these two characteristics together and what you wind up with is a finished book with a whole lotta dog-eared pages.

As I read a book if I stumble on a quote or excerpt that is to my liking, be it that I relate or simply find it funny and/or enlightening, I dog ear that page so that later I will remember to write it down in my book of quotes. Yes, I am a nerd. Because of my insatiable appetite for books, (which I gotta admit has been suffering since Fall Television has kicked off), all of my books come from the library, i.e. even more reason to be sure to copy that ish down. It's not chilling on my bookshelf for easy access.

Every once in a while I'll read a book that has significant dog-ear potential and I'll feel the need to share. The latest, It's My F---ing Birthday by Merrill Markoe. Funny, witty and easy to read. Pretty darn easy to relate to too if you ask me. Below is a dump of notable quotes, in my humble opinion:


"I have high hopes that this will be the year the dumb girl in my finally dies. She is long overdue for a painless, or even a painful, death. I'm so sick of listening to her try to convince me of things I know don't make any sense: that the plots of romantic movies are plausible; that men who have cheated repeatedly might suddenly decide to turn over a new leaf; that guys who are assholes might turn out to be more considerate in time. I think I have been afraid to kill her completely because I'm worried that she' the only one of us who still has a little hope. I think I'm counting on her hope and her naivety to keep me from falling into the Hole."

"But even more important, from now on I must use my intuition. I must use my ever-growing knowledge of human behavior and all the things I have learned from therapy. When I think I might get involved with someone now I will not sleep with him unless I know for a fact that he loves me. I don't want to be with anyone who is out of touch with his feelings, someone who doesn't want to make a commitment."

"No more ridiculous affairs. Thirty-six years of stupid love is certainly more than enough. No more getting sexual with people I know are totally hopeless."

"No more voluntary participation in bad sex. Identify it quickly, ignite early warning system, get away. This is the nineties for God's sake."

"The only time (these guys) are truly comfortable is when a relationship is just beginning, because then there is pursuit but no commitment. Or at the very end. The middle part--the part that would contain the relationship--makes them feel like they're being suffocated."

"I have to trust my instincts. When I have started to lecture myself in order to bypass them is when I know I need to worry."

"It's ridiculous to always assume my friends know more about what is going on than I do, just because they have read a bunch of pop psychology. I love my friends, but it may be because they are as fucked up as I am."

"Be wary of men who love too much too soon for no reason."

"No more faking orgasms to help an inept guy have better self-esteem than I am exhibiting by faking orgasms in the first place."

"Don't make a big deal out of the fact that there were no guys this year. Perhaps that's a better thing than continuing to get involved with guys who exhibit behavior from the beginning that indicates the whole thing is completely hopeless. So try to remember the above as a coping strategy when I am so crazed with horniness that I want to throw myself off a building."

"Maybe the illusion of progress is as good as progress itself. Maybe I needed to take more risks. Maybe a checkered, goofy love life full of tragedy and strife, full of hideous lows and delusional highs, was better than a long blank period jam-packed with nothing. Maybe this was a message the universe was trying to give me. It was instructing me to stop worrying about trying to get things right and just do something, anything. Be vulnerable. Don't think so much. Live."

"Of course, the sex was awesome as advertised. It was like being part of a really good chemistry experiment. Everything was a turn-on. It felt like the sexual equivalent of a big, cool, chocolate shake. Delicious, with minimal nutritional value, consequences to come later."

"But so what? I would say to myself. I always knew what I was getting into. At least I am living my life on the edge. At least I am taking risks. Isn't this a better way to live then doing nothing? On the drive home I turned the radio up really loud in the hope that it would invade my body enough to change my DNA. Maybe there was some chance that it would help me convince myself I really didn't give a flying fuck. This detachment lasted about thirty-six hours. After that a wave of obsession came in like a tsunami to replace it. And with the obsession came a lot of counterproductive reasoning. The dumb girl's imagination was very sophisticated when it came to obsessing. It was the thing she did best. 'Maybe after a while, if you hang in there, he will get hooked on you the same way you are hooked on him,' she offered, as though she was from some alternate universe where this was a possibility. 'After all, he is only human. You guys are really hot together. And you can't be that hot with someone without feelings creeping in. It's not possible. Ask anyone.'"

"A checkered, goofy love life filled with tragedy and strife is not better than a long blank period. Whoever said is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all did not mean repeatedly, exclusively, and after the age of thirty-five."

"When you have never loved at all, at least you have enough attention span left to get some reading done."

"Just because there is heat in a kiss does not mean there is anything else in that kiss besides heat. And you're a fucking idiot if you think it does."

"But Mike taught me an important lesson about how the whole feeling of falling in love can be a really false read. What you think you feel about a person can change over time. It takes quite a while to be able to see it."

"When I read her quote, 'The first time I looked in his eyes I saw something that I didn't expect to see, ' I immediately thought about how many times I had noticed that something in someone's eyes and been confused by it. It reminded me of the millions of times the dumb girl tried to convince me that every moment of chemistry with a new guy was a crescendo in a symphonic love overture. I think it took me until this year to finally realize that when you see too much in his eyes in the very beginning, you're not looking at the early stages of love, you're looking at the early stages of trouble."

"No more trying to decipher the secret code of others. From now on, take everyone at face value, period. If it seems like there is something complex that I suspect may be in code, remember that the person who is making me feel that way is being an asshole. If I can't understand what they're saying, too bad for them. I can't do all the work. My brain pathways are in exile."

Last one on the bandwagon

So I realize "He's Just Not That Into You" was a phenomenon oh, 2 years ago? Well, I was just lent the book yesterday by a co-worker, (hidden message there?), and devoured it last night.

All in all, an okay book. The question and answer format bugged me. The "workbook" portion at the end of every chapter annoyed the shit outta me. I breezed through what didn't apply to me. I gotta admit, parts of it depressed me. This guy, (the co-author), really thinks us women are this stupid? Are some of us? Jeez, I hope not. But peppered throughout I did find some good advice I fully intend to digest. There were definitely parts that I could relate to.

In my opinion, the authors should have just written the book in a normal format throughout. But hey, what do I know? I have no book deals under my belt.

I will say, this book found me at the perfect time. Jimmy is just not that into me. I get it. Below are quotes from the book that I found useful, jotted down, and plan to revisit. Consistently, until it sinks in. (I'm such a quote junky).

The movie is in fact coming out in 2009 with a seriously awesome cast. Check out the trailer.
http://www.imdb.com/rg/VIDEO_PLAY/LINK//video/screenplay/vi4024303897/.

And onto the quotes....

"Don't waste the pretty."

"The word 'busy' is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word 'busy' is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want."

"It's hard. We're taught in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, no the exception. It's intoxicatingly liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. Because this is what we do: We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go int hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they're behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation that's the truth: He's just not that into me."

"Bad boys are bad because they're troubled, as in having little self-respect, lots of pent-up anger, loads of self-loathing, complete lack of faith in any kind of loving relationship."

"Bad boys are actually bad."

"If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start 'figuring him out' please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is."

"Cut your losses and don't waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it? Fine. Here's the answer you're looking for, 'Hang in there, baby. He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!' But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship."

"Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just THAT crazy! Bullshit. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing it is almost impossible NOT to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. We ma try to make you think differently, but we men are just like you. We like taking a break from our generally mundane day to talk to someone we like. It makes us happy. And we like to be happy, just like you. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you."

"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life."

"Don't let the 'honeys' and the 'babys' fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than 'I'm just not that into you.' Remember, actions speak louder than, 'There's no cell reception where I am right now.'"

"Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside."

"I don't want to be 'sort of dating' someone. I don't want to be 'kinda hanging out' with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me."

"Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted. And when you do move on and find your right person, believe me, you're not going to wish you had gotten to spend more time with Stinky the Time-Waster or Freddy Can't -Remember-to-Call."

"Love cures commitment-phobia."

I'm resting my hat on this last one. Regarding me, myself, and I.

Timing is golden

The Ex is making another official attempt to get back together. He never actually stopped trying, he just stopped being vocal about it. He alternates back and forth between inserting himself into my life to remain present, asking me to do things we'd only do if we were a couple, telling me straight up how he feels, and lying back and giving me space. I know he's been trying even when it seems he's not for quite a while. I know he had no idea how to approach me in the beginning of it all. I know because he told me, and I know because I know him.

In my opinion, two recent developments have driven this particular vocalization:

1. He broke his ankle. He is a 6'2" 220lb. baby. Surgery was yesterday. He's staying at his mom's who is taking care of him. He wants me to take care of him. Not gonna happen, bud.

2. I told him about Jimmy and the possible move in. I told him of the first serious attempt we're making. Mainly because it's the reason I used for not being able to take care of him, but also because I wanted him to know. He's terrified. I don't have to tell him how I've got it bad for that kid, he knows me and he can tell. I can tell he's worried.

So, with these two factors coming into play The Ex is coming at me full force. It started Monday, but last night for once in his adult life he actually put into words, in clear sentences without any, "ya knows" how he feels. He came out and asked if we could give it another try.

I finally took the time and effort to explain to him that each time I contemplate letting him back in slightly, he reminds me of how he used to be. I let him know how the Valentine's Day debacle upset me. I let him know how last Sunday when I didn't hear from him, he let me down. I let him know that because he is no longer my boyfriend I don't have to deal with that sorta thing and I'm just not going to. Period. He said he was disappointed in himself as well and that he is going to make the change. That he loves me so much still and has never stopped. I'm his best friend. He sees him and I getting married and having babies. He knows it's going to happen. It has to happen. Hmm...

I haven't given him an inch. I told him how I'm not sure I could ever trust him again nor do I know if I even have the desire to try. I told him how when we broke up, I dealt with the hurt and the pain by myself and got over it by myself. No closure supplied by him. I haven't forgiven him and as long as we are friendly on the surface, I do not hold it against him. I can deal. Taking down the wall and letting him in again though? Not sure that's possible without drudging up the unfinished business. Not sure I even want to try.

Of course he still sees me as the person he wants to marry and have children with, I didn't hurt him. I didn't betray him and let him down. I just left. I decided I wanted and deserved more and I was never going to get it from him. So I let go. I moved on. Right?

However, despite knowing all of this, hearing him say the things he says does send my mind reeling, (obviously or I wouldn't be writing about it today). I can't say his words do not affect me. There is definitely still a part of me that wants to believe in him. I do believe he wants the things he says he does, what I don't believe is he will put the effort it requires into getting any of it.

The bottom line is I have no desire to give him/us another shot right now. I have feelings for Jimmy and I'm exploring that first. I need to. I want to. Sorry bud, but you've put yourself on the back burner and you're not getting bumped up simply because you've successfully expressed emotion. He asked if after Jimmy, could we give it another shot. I still feel like I don't know, which is what I told him. Time and time again I put a glimmer of faith into him. Time and time again he proves he did not deserve it. It's going to stop. He'd have to seriously prove himself. So to sum it up, I'm not thinking about giving him another chance right now, at all.

"When it comes to men that are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do."
-Randy Paush

Smart man.

The B.B.D.

August 11, 2008

The Bigger, Better Deal. Bring it on. I'm ready for it. I'm ready to get excited about someone. I'm ready to fall for someone instead of being excited that someone is falling for me. I'm through with being flattered, I want to be swept away.

I guess it's natural for me to want to relay this info to the two guys that are currently inhabiting my life (and my cell phone) because 1. When I meet Mr. Right I don't want him to peace out once he looks around and sees all these Mr. Wrongs hanging around and 2. I might just want one of them to step up and fill the shoes of Mr. Right.

I've been waiting for the opportune moment to tell Jimmy, actually, not even the opportune moment, just a moment in general. I want to make it a point to tell him I've discovered what I want as if he is going to want anything to do with it. What do I think he is going to do, change? Act differently? Suddenly realize he wants the same thing and we'll proceed to ride off into the sunset? (Yes). I'm pretty sure he wants one thing and it's not the same thing I want. I need to face that. I need to keep telling myself this until myself allows it to sink in for a decent length of time. I need it to stick.

Of course I tell Ken my revelation and immediately he is ready to fill the shoes. He wants to be that guy. He believes he is that guy. Such confidence. And what does he do? Ask me if I'll come over so he can make me dinner and we can talk. What did Jimmy do when I started to tell him? I say started because I didn't even finish before he cut me off and said he had to go. Seriously. That was a blow. That hurt. I felt it through me.

I know I'm feeling restless emotionally when I write a lot (mostly about nothing) and search for comfort in quotes, i.e. someone much smarter than I saying things I can relate to. I try to hold onto the quotes like, "Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you." And it just makes me wonder what is it about me that makes him not remain interested. Reading quotes about just make me think of him. I can't possibly love him. The feelings I have for him are so reminiscent of the feelings I had for John when I was 16, 17, 18. He's the John of 2008. And you know how good that turned out.

I hate how my hands start to shake when I know I'm going to see him. My whole body shakes sometimes but my hands are the worst. I get a nauseous feeling in my stomach. I'd call them butterflies but butterflies sound too sweet and nice. There's nothing sweet and nice about these things. I think about him almost all the time. Definitely at least once a day. Even more so I hate that I have no concrete reason as to why I have these feelings. None. And all I want is to forget about him. All I want is something good and something real and I just don't think I will find it within him.

Mother Theresa once said, "If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive." Does that mean that before I love another I must forgive The Ex or does that just mean that if I ever wanted to love The Ex again I'd need to forgive him? Hmm.

Other's that have got me thinking are...

"Don't seek the because--in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions."
And that makes me feel wretched. It can't be love.

"I didn't want it to mean that much to me." The simplest quote that embodies exactly how I feel and have been feeling for longer than I'm willing to admit.

"I want to be free of you...the way you, obviously, are free of me." I couldn't want that more.

"They say our loves are shaped not by those who love us but by those who refuse to love us." Hello? Yea, my life for the past 2 months has definitely been shaped by this bullshit.

"Maybe I'm not supposed to be over him. I mean, look at how many times I've tried. Maybe there's a reason it's not working." I hate quotes like these because they make me feel like I'm doing the right thing by holding on and need to keep on when my whole being wants to stop. I can't pinpoint that part that won't stop but something is holding on, disagreeing and that part is the bigger more influential part because it is governing all.

"She will chase you around for a while; but there's going to be a day when she's going t stop running in circles around you. She's going to get over you and at that very moment you're going to wish you had let her catch you." This one I fear the most. I hate when it happens and inevitably it does. I have said to myself and three others at least that I'm ready for something real, something good. I've been taking nothing and no one seriously for the past two years, and I do not regret this fact, I needed it. But I am finished with it. I'm ready to be serious. I'm ready to fall for someone who is also falling for me. I want something real. I want something good. I will probably find that and then have Jimmy come cruising back in.

"What appears to be the end is really a new beginning." That's what I need to focus on. This new beginning that I've decided that I want. I'm in no rush for it to happen, I'm just ready and open for it. The B.B.D.

Then I see things like, "If it didn't really matter you wouldn't spend so much time thinking about it." I spend more time thinking about that boy than anything else.

"Ask me why I keep loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you." I hate the word love being sprinkled in there, I'd rather say "like." But that's true to how I feel now regardless.

And then random things happen. I think to myself, if only he knew how good it could be...how he's selling himself short. And then, immediately after, I see a quote that says, "If he only knew how much I need him." And yesterday while sitting at my desk at work I'm thinking about him (as always) a friend sends me a funny video to watch which turns out to be The Muppets singing a song entitled, "Jimmy Boy." Yea, no joke.

The almost comical thing is that it seems Ken feels for me what I feel for Jimmy and in turn I feel for Ken what Jimmy feels for me. Isn't that how it's supposed to go down in middle school? Haven't we graduated and such? Oy vey.

Point of no return

July 11, 2008

It's probably because I have issues with getting close to someone. That has to be it. I am only open to a certain point. I can pretend for a short period of time but once it comes down to it, I clam up. I flake. I'm bluffing the entire time. I don't do it intentionally. I swear. But try too hard to see me, be with; talk to me, or even talk about being with me, and the fear is instantly magnified. I've learned it's hard to come back from that point once it's been reached. Ultimately the point of no return will be reached and it's just a matter of time before it is. I like it take a while to get there, but often I'm in the minority in my relationships when it comes to that issue. Nothing good comes from the "lets slow it down" talk. Nothing. I thought girls were the ones who were supposed to want these relationship things.

That's why I love beginnings. I don't have to worry about any of that messy stuff yet. I can be as charming and fun as I want to be. I can be anything and anyone that I want for a period of time. I like getting them hooked. I enjoy it. Shit, I expect them to. If they don't, I'm offended and damn it, I take it personally. As soon as they are though, I'm turned off. The second they want/expect things like time from me I can't find the door quick enough. Talking of my lack of priorities instantly triggers my planning of an exit strategy that could somehow still keep our relationship on good terms. The beginning only lasts for so long and there's no universal length for that term. It's definitely shorter with some people, case and point, Ken. I especially hate when that happens. I love to stretch the beginning out for as long as I can so as to avoid reaching the messy, difficult part where things start to get real. Why else would I have issues with bringing/letting guys come to my place? It’s the closeness of it. Allowing them to enter my world. Was I always this way or is it because of The Ex? It's hard to tell really since before The Ex I was only 20 and didn't date in the "real world." I dated in high school before him. I lived at home before him. Things are different when you're out on your own and an adult. So, maybe this is how I'd be regardless of the fact that my heart was broken.

Either way, take me to the seriousness too soon and I'll be sure to push you away. All the while acting like I want to hold on because I'm always afraid to let go because God forbid I could be giving up something that could potentially be good once I am in fact ready for something good. What happened to dating? Courting? Hello? Can't we just date for a while and have fun without settling down and spending every weekend night possibly week night together cooking out and cuddling on the couch watching movies? So what if I want to dress up and go out with you. So what if I want you to wine and dine me for a bit.

I act like these are things that I want when they are unattainable. The second there's a chance I could get "what I want," I find things wrong with it. I find reasons why it will not, cannot, work and why I have to begin to make my exit. I'd much rather be in the midst of disaster, heartache. Let me nestle with it longer. Can I stay in the pickle a bit longer, please? I'm not ready to be happy with a guy. I'm just not. So there in begins the conversations of how they don't see me enough, they're not a priority; I need to open up, what's going on in my head, why did I change? Ugh freaking UGH. And why does it always happen so quickly for me when there are plenty of girls out there who actually want all of that behavior? Give it to the girl who wants it guys!

Of course, simultaneously, here I am shamelessly hooked on a guy who isn't the way described above at all. This could be the basis of his appeal to me but I've given up on trying to find justification for the feelings that I feel for him. They are just there and they're not going anywhere anytime soon. I'm dealing with it. I am dealing with the fact that everything makes me think of him no matter where I am, whom I'm with, or what I'm doing. He affects my mood. It's been a long time since a guy has been able to affect my mood and that guy had been my boyfriend for years. This guy hasn't been or done anything significant for me. Yet I have this amazing crush on him. I refuse to describe it as anything more than a silly crush that I just cannot seem to shake. I freaking dream about him. I hate it. I do all the things I wouldn't normally do because I can't help it. There is absolutely no reason for this behavior! No justification. I can't think of one thing about him that makes me want him so much. Why is he so appealing to me? It drives me completely insane. He's seemingly unattainable. I could've had him at one point and I fucked it up. Its reminiscent of how I felt for John when we were younger. How I just wanted to keep him still for a while. Just the thought of being able to keep him for a little while appealed to me so much but at the same time seemed so impossible. He never gives me enough. I always want more. I wish I knew all of this back when he was all about me. When he called me his girl my only response was, I'm not your girl. I wish I could take that back. I wish I knew then that I should've cut off all of the stupid, silly guys that were texting me. I wish I could've done it then and been able to try being with him. Back when he cared. When he got upset and told me that he did. Back when he would call me baby and all he wanted was for me to stay with him. He'd beg me to just spend the night with him. He'd ask me over and over if we were together just because he couldn't believe it. I wish I could have those days and nights back. I was so cocky with it. He was just another guy who fell too hard and too fast that I had to quickly shake.

Now the real question is if I did have him back this way, would I push him away again like I did with him and like i do with all of the others? Do I only think I want all of that back because I don't have it? Hmm...I wonder.

All I know is that I'm fucked up.

"Right now, in this moment, we have love. It will leave, and it will come again, and when it does I'll give up everything and take it. Just like an addict. Like dry grass in new rain. It's not something I'm proud of, necessarily. Then again, maybe I am. That's it, I guess. That's all I know."

-Katie Crouch

New layers

March 22, 2008

It seems letting everything, (and by everything I mean everyone), go was just what I needed in order to allow myself to realize what it was I really wanted; a feeling I’ve been waiting impatiently to make an appearance for the past two years. The realization did not take long. Well, let me clarify. From the moment I decided to "let it all go," it did not take long for me to realize what I wanted. In turn, when thinking in terms of after the wake of the break up with The Ex, the revelation took significantly long. But that's to be expected, right?

Anyway, with this said revelation I’ve discovered the answers to many of the questions that have been plaguing me. I understand much of what had been going on in my head these past months and have decided that although thus far 2008, (in it’s few short months), has been a year of trials and tribulations, it will also be one of clarity and action.

Although I hate to do it I attribute some of the clarity to Alan. I think he came into my life to smack me awake and make me realize what I’ve been doing to men and my relationships with them. Something no friend or family member had the ability to do. He helped me realize that the feelings of hesitation and fear I had been feeling were not natural and not me. Not the me I usually was. I kept resting on the fact that I had simply changed and this was the new me, the new bitter, cynical, terrified me. I don't want to be that. Yes, I'm changed by the hurt I experienced but not that much. He could see the me I used to be and he wanted it. It was not for him and him not for me, but he made me see how cynical I was being because of my past experience and he made me see that it wasn’t something that should remain permanent. He put me on the road to getting over it and seriously moving on, just not with him. I specifically remember him telling me that you don't just get over the hurt once, you get over it every day. Until the pain is less and you get over it weekly, monthly. It's just not a one time deal. It's something that stays with you.

But it had to be Alan, John could never have had the capacity to see what was going on right in front of his face. He could never have begun to understand why I was acting the way I was but Alan could. And not only could he see it, he put it in my face and I needed that. This was his purpose and he served it. I needed to move on from him and I did. I let him go. I let Brandon go. Letting go sounds so elementary but to me it has always been a big thing. It has always been something that is difficult for me to do. The Valentine’s Day debacle of 2008 (as it will be forever be remembered), put the idea of reigniting anything with The Ex to rest before it was ever able to hurt me. And thank God for the divine intervention that put that silly idea to a swift halt. A true blessing in disguise and The Ex is done (yet again).

With all that on the shelf and me left with me, I was able to think about me and allow myself to develop the space for someone new. It wasn’t something I did it just happened. That realization was a shocker and of course it made me look right to John. Luckily, he came to me before I ever had to go to him…

One text from John, which turned into an entire text-message conversation, made me realize that I was ready, but more importantly, I was ready to be with him. It just hit me while driving as revelations often do, that I was ready. That I missed him and he missed me so what the hell had we been doing. All the “ick” feelings of being in a relationship dissolved just like that. All of a sudden I knew what I wanted and thank God for that feeling. Now it was just a matter of whether or not he would forgive me, believe me, and take me back after all I'd put him through. And he did. He didn’t waste a second coming to talk to me about it and it was just that simple. As it should be I guess. We actually managed to make up, lay out exactly what we both wanted, and arrange seeing each other all via text messaging…up until he showed up at my door, picked me up, and kissed me.

I realize now that all those insecure issues I had when it came to John existed because I was nowhere near ready for a relationship, not one in the magnitude of what he wanted. I was foolish to think I could be in a relationship. Looking back I can see that. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if there’s one thing I’ve successfully learned this year it’s that hindsight is most definitely 20/20. I hated it then because this is the type of person I typically am and want to be. I wanted to be that way then. I wanted to WANT to be with him but I couldn’t make myself. I needed the time to go by.

So here we are one month later together. Together and I couldn’t be happier. Everything seems to have fallen into place for the moment. Crazy how it has happened. I just hope it lasts. We’re talking about moving in together when my lease is up…in just four months…we’ll see how it goes. I haven’t told my parents anything about it, but I’m 27 years old, I can make my own decisions.

And that’s just what I decided to do this time around with John. I decided not to care about what anyone would think or say, not to be concerned with it in the least. I know that John is far from perfect and I know he has his issues. He’s a little rough around the edges. But God he makes me happy. I love the way I feel when I’m around him and I’ve loved that feeling since I was 16. When I sit and think about it I get nervous assuming that this may be it. That him and I may just work out for the long run. I’m just sick and tired of games and dating. I’m ready to just settle down and be with someone, for real with someone.

Guess this is as good a segway as any to go ahead and state that here we are a month later and I’m having doubts about his sincerity/commitment/honesty. Typical doubts? Maybe. We all begin to doubt (or so I’d like to think we all do), once the commitment is stated and final. After the initial honeymoon period when you don’t give a shit about anything but being together 24/7, eff the “are we spending too much time together” thoughts, cheesing at each other, talking on the phone until ungodly hours, and having sex two, three times a night and a couple in the morning too, of course. Getting up for breakfast and then getting back into bed. Ah, love it. Yea, after the excitement of all that dies down there seems to be the classic “power struggle.” Who has more power? Who wears the pants? Who’s running things? Ugh, hate that…especially when I start to feel like it’s not me, which I inevitably do when I really like someone and decide I don’t’ want to play that game. If I don’t like them that much I’m happy to strut around in the pants. So I guess it’s possibly that the doubts I’m having are normal fears present at the beginning of any relationship. But in my case, I’d like to think that after The Ex I’m pretty intuitive when it comes to recognizing the red flags of insincerity and I’m afraid I’m starting to see them coming from him. Any other time, having not experienced what I have, I would’ve kept going on blind and happy only to be hit with the actual disappointment much later once it’s impossible to ignore. Since this is not my first rodeo I see subtle changes, the power shift, him strutting around in the pants, and I don’t like it. I’m terrified. Of course voicing the fear only sends me ten steps further down the power stairs…so that’s outta the question.

The extremely frustrating part of all of this is how badly John has wanted to be with me for the past two years. How I’ve worn the pants loyally and faithfully that entire time. Now that I want to be for real and be with him, what he’s said he has wanted more than anything, he’s switching up on me, (possibly).

So I’m fearful that this is the classic “thrill of the chase” scenario gone badly. He wanted me when he thought he couldn’t have me. So of course he wanted me REALLY badly. The fact that he couldn’t have me made him want me all that much more, you know the drill. Well, now that he has me…eh, it’s ok. I hate that. It builds up a certain expectation that is not lived up to.

THEN comes the possibility that I could just still be afraid because of my last experience. I’m so terrified that The Ex is going to happen all over again that I think it is. I think he’s going to do what The Ex did. How do I know if I’ve learned from a past experience so I’m smarter this time and can spot the red flags before they hurt me, or if I’m making the next guy pay for The Exes mistakes?

Let me just refer back to a previous entry from this past January, 2 months ago, when I was just beginning to feel the early stages of “readiness,” only while with the wrong guy….

“Because the truth about me is that though I am cautious, guarded, and hesitant; once I decide to let that go I am incredibly serious and loyal. And whelp, I am certainly that way with every guy because rarely does a guy make the cut. I take pride in preserving that part of myself. My worry, (among many), is that guys go along saying things without anything serious attached to the words, nothing emotionally backing it up. But after holding out I decide to give in only to find that while I’m feeling something real they have what they tried so hard for which they no longer want it. They were consumed in the chase, the mystery of me. And didn’t realize that once they broke my walls down all that is left is me.

Maybe it’s because I’m such a mystery and so hard to read that they guys just want to crack my code.

Either way, I have yet to open up. I still have myself in tact. He’s knocking on that wall (sometimes kicking it). I can see myself taking it down; I feel it coming. I feel that I am falling for him. I feel that I’m about to throw all caution to the wind. The cynicism that has recently taken up residence within me this past year is subsiding. The softhearted, trusting romantic is beginning to return and she just doesn’t want to get burned again. Not after the last wild fire that took so long to put out.

Crazy how I just woke up one day and everything had changed. I have to say, I am grateful for the change. I missed the romantic part of myself.

So now I just have some ghosts from the past to work through. I’ll do that. I will.

I just feel like I’m ready. Where love, couples, and all things mushy took a back seat in my mind and world for so long, I’m finally open to the idea of it—with him.”

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

-Sex and the City

I go back and forth between feeling like I’m overacting and being stupid, to feeling like I need to do something before it’s too late and I wind up back in the same situation I previously was in. I just can’t stand this feeling and I don’t know what to do about it. This is precisely why I sometimes feel as though it’s better to be alone, because at least I don’t have to deal with these feelings of disappointment and possible paranoia. I decide how I feel all the time and it’s usually pretty good. I dictate my mood at all times and no one else has a say. When I’m not in a relationship all I have are people in my life who want me in one with them. I mean, the past two weekends we’ve already gone without seeing each other on two separate nights (last weekend Fri this weekend Sat), and he hasn’t cared. This being the same guy who got upset when I didn't want to see him during the week as well as on the weekends. This being the same guy who specifically asked me in the beginning of all of this if we could see each other during the week and I said, yes, of course we can. And we did for a minute there, but now we don’t. And not only do we not see each other during the week, we actually go weekend nights without seeing each other and he is OK with it! WTF? Tell me that is not a change…please. Seriously.

I am a strong believer in sex being the barometer of a relationship and last night when at his house, he had me do ALL the work both times that we did it. Given, I’m ok with taking the reigns once in a while. But again, I know John. John likes to do his thing and make me feel good. He didn’t seem concerned in putting it on me at all last night. As if he doesn’t need to anymore. Ugh.

I guess I just thought that I wouldn’t have to go through this stuff with him. He put everything out there all the time and I thought we were going to avoid playing these games. I thought we were being up front and for real to each other, that we were going to be on the same team all the time. I should’ve known that men and women could never be that way all the time no matter what they may say. And I should definitely know better than to think that John is going to go through with something that he says he will.

Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe all of this is nothing. But this going noted. I am documenting the fact that I feel this way when I did and I’m not going to forget it. I am going into this with my eyes open and my head clear. I am not going to allow things to cloud over like I did in the past. I am going to use what I learned that’s for damn sure. In addition, what I’m regretfully going to do is start playing the game, the power tug of war. I am going to make myself not incredibly available, make him work for it. I was prepared to throw all of that out of the window, but John hasn’t done this before. He might not be tired of it the way that I am. I guess I can’t blame him for strutting in the pants considering he had been skirting it with me for quite some time. So fine, he has had his moment. But if we’re gonna do this, and someone is going to wear the pants, well then it’s going to be me damn it. Cause shit, I’m good at the game.

I tell ya, hindsight may definitely be 20/20 and I’m a regular Dr. Phil after the fact in deciphering why I felt the way I felt and did what I did…but sometimes I’d give anything to know while in the moment. Anything.

Me vs. Me

February 2, 2008

I feel as though I am always at odds with no one other than myself. Maybe the root of this is the relentless idea that I have no idea what I want, but regardless, I’m constantly feeling this way. The consistent argument seems to be time vs. want—pretty sure that’s just about accurate. I’m always afraid that what I (seem to) want is to be by myself. I am perfectly content when I am alone (not physically necessarily). But my fear is that at this time in my life I should be building something with someone. I should be forcing myself to be comfortable with the idea of being with someone so that I won’t be alone when I’m old(er).

Simultaneously I am infuriated with myself for thinking of my life in such minuscule terms. As a fabulous friend of mine once said to me, “There is more to (you) than all of these guys. There is so much more to you than this.”

I need to remember that and stop stressing about this somewhat insignificant portion of my life. There is so much more that I need to work on. I am 27 years old. I am 27 years old and I live in a one-bedroom apartment. It’s difficult for me to make ends meet each month. I am thankful that I can pay all of my bills by myself and that I live in this one bedroom apartment by myself. I am in some ways proud of myself, I truly am. But I feel like I should be doing more by now. I would feel better if I were in a town home by myself while struggling to make ends meet each month. I would feel better if I were making more money, (but who am I kidding, everyone says that). But lets be serious…I have $50 to hold me over for the next two weeks. That’s after paying my rent and water bill, putting enough gas in my car for one week of driving to and from work, and since I’m being honest here, then I should probably admit to a couple of unnecessary, borderline irresponsible purchases as well. Oy vey.

1. I won an amazing pair of vintage boots on eBay. Let me please note that this was not in any way some random, impulse purchase. Tall camel/tan leather boots have been on my list of “wants” (literally, there is a running list in the mini notebook I keep in my purse) since the fall season began. I have constantly been on the hunt and incessantly, to no avail. Price is usually what vetoes the purchase; as in too high. But after a random search on eBay for tall tan boots I found a perfect pair of vintage boots being auctioned off—perfect in that they encompassed all I was coveting. The auction ended that night and the price was only at $16.99. I refrained from bidding but instead opting for simply “watching.” After a couple hours the price was at about $20, give or take. So I figured, oh, what the hell I’ll make a bid. So I bid and bid until I was the winning bidder, (eBay is addicting like that isn't it? Once you make the decision to bid you keep going until you win). Once I was the winning bidder at just $25.10, I stopped and vowed to not bid again. I will go no higher. I didn’t even enter a maximum bid so I assumed for sure that in the throws of the last minutes of the auction that the ten bidders prior to me would dominate. I thought for a moment about setting up a text message alert but then refrained after finding out how complicated it all seemed. Besides, I wasn’t going to outbid anyone, what was the point. Just as I’d hoped I forgot completely about the auction. Until all of a sudden I was lying in bed about to go to sleep and I remembered. I sprung from bed for my laptop, hopped back in bed, and started it up. Low and behold, I won! For just $25.10 plus $10 in shipping. Wow, really? No one out bid me. Joy! Then sorrow. Shit, I actually have to buy them now. Okay, so $36 of unforeseen costs, done. And hey, that was an amazing deal. I took comfort in scratching a high ticket “want” from my list and spending so little while doing so.

2. I agreed to go over to the mall during lunch with a coworker because, well, I just can’t resist an opportunity to go to the mall. If you ask, I'm going. Just to browse of course, duh. Even if I’m not the one shopping I enjoy all that has to do with shopping; the only requirement being that items are being looked at, tried on, and purchased—not necessarily by me. I vowed to window shop. I’d just bought boots! But one trip to the Gap sale rack and all caution was thrown to the wind. How taunting are those sale racks? Ugh. But seriously, I picked up an incredible sweater for just $9.97. A thick, cable knit long sweater complete with pockets that had started at $68. This purchase was, in every sense of the word, a steal. Except I paid for it. But just $10. And okay, one more thing. This utterly adorable red short sleeve shirt with feminine ruffles for just $8.97. It will be perfect for the Blue Man Group show I am going to on February 15^th—red for Valentine’s Day. Plus, it’s short sleeve and lightweight so I’ll be wearing it in the spring and summer as well. Longevity—perfect.

So with a grand total of just $21, for two substantial items and $36 for the fulfillment of an incredible want, how could I feel guilty? Whelp, easily once I realized that with these incredible deals I had spent a total of about $60 and had left myself with just $50 for the next two weeks. Yep, I have $50 for gas, food (for myself and my pets) and any other needs that may pop up, i.e. I’m just about out of coffee, creamer, bread, and milk (all essentials). All because I spent $60 on things I did not “need” rather than $60 on groceries or nights out with the ladies for the next two weeks. Tiny sacrifices.

On another completely opposing note, my ex and by ex I mean The Ex—I am cognizant of the fact that considering my habit in keeping exes around, a distinction is required—shit, I’m going out with my most recent ex tonight!

Wait, I feel the need to backtrack for a second for I have just had a revelation – imagine that. Is it odd that I consider The Ex my one and only ex? I have technically had two boyfriends since the ex, yet I consider him to be my one true ex. Guess that’s a little key as to how I subconsciously feel about my past two relationships—they might as well not have existed. Hmm…can’t imagine why they didn’t end in complete and utter bliss.

Back to the ex, he wants to take me out for Valentine’s Day. He has been trying to convince me that this is a good idea for the past week and a half. I consistently have outwardly disagreed. Until today when after hundreds (okay at least 10) rebuffs, I am sitting here considering it—guess that’s pretty typical in it self. As much as I realize this tidbit about myself, I’d be willing to bet that he recognizes it as well—hence the persistence on his part. Oy, all I can say is oy vey…oh, and also that I will most certainly not be sharing this recent development with anyone. No one. Not him, not a friend not a family member. No one. And also, I’ll be hoping that it disappears entirely before I ever need to vocalize it.

Rehab

by: Rihanna

“Baby, baby when we first met I never felt something so strong. You were like my lover and my best friend all wrapped into one with a ribbon on it. And all of a sudden you went and left; I didn’t know how to follow. It’s like a shock that spun me around and now my heart’s dead. I feel so empty and hollow.

And I’ll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you. Don’t’ even recognize the way you hurt me, do you? It’s gonna take a miracle to bring me back and you’re the one to blame. And now I feel like, oh…

You’re the reason why I’m thinking I don’t want to smoke on these cigarettes no more. I guess that’s what I get for wishful thinking. I should’ve never let you enter my door. Next time you wanna go on leave, I should just let you go on and do it. Cause now I’m using like I bleed. Its like I checked into rehab and baby you’re my disease. I gotta check into rehab cause baby you’re my disease.

Damn, and it crazy when you’re love sick? You’d do anything for the one you love. ‘Cause anytime that you needed me I’d be there. It’s like you were my favorite drug. The only problem is that you were using me in a different way that I was using you. Now that I know its not meant to be you gotta go I gotta wean myself off of you.

And I’ll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you. Don’t even recognize the ways you’ve hurt me, do you? Its gonna take a miracle to bring me back and you’re the one to blame. Cause now I feel like oh, you’re the reason why I’m thinking I don’t wanna smoke on these cigarettes not more. I guess that’s what I get for wishful thinking. I should’ve never let you into my door. Next time you wanna go on and leave I should just let you go on and do it. Cause now I’m using like I bleed. Its like I checked into rehab and baby you’re my disease. I gotta check into rehab cause baby you’re my disease.”

Changing my mind like I change my underwear

January 2, 2007

I have come to the unsettling conclusion that I have no idea what I want. Not exactly, not indefinitely. I know what I want at any given, specific moment but inevitably that want will change to something directly opposing. My wants are constantly evolving. At times I want contradictory things. Like Erica Jong, I constantly battle with the two halves of myself that require different needs and have different wants. One half is fulfilled only at the expense of other while that other is merely suppressed—only to resurface and want its needs met with time. My wants change almost daily, but definitely weekly. This is a definite problem when others are involved in my life. Guys specifically because this is the change that is always occurring; what I want in the realm of the opposite sex. The only conclusion I can rest on is that I just do not know what it is that I want right now.

This would be okay if I weren’t taking other people along in the wake of my ever-changing mind—if actual people’s feelings weren’t being affected.

Will I ever settle? Will there come a time that I’ll know what I want and remain content or will I always be evolving and changing, restless? Right now I’d give my right arm to know what I want and stick with it.

“I've become a real believer in not defining every single thing. Seems like every time you think you've figured out what something is, it just becomes something else. Just live.”

Making a comeback

December 30, 2007

I think it is incredibly possible that I am seriously falling for him right now in a potentially very big way. So of course while I am deliriously happy, I am simultaneously petrified. All the typical questions arise: Do I really know him, really? What is he capable or not capable of doing in the realm of hurting me? Can he be trusted? Does he feel the same or is this just how he is with all girls?

Because the truth about me is that though I am cautious, guarded, and hesitant; once I decide to let that go I am incredibly serious and loyal. And whelp, I am certainly that way with every guy because rarely does a guy make the cut. I take pride in preserving that part of myself. My worry (among many) is that guys go along saying things without anything serious attached to the words, nothing emotionally backing it up. But after holding out I decide to give in only to find that while I’m feeling something real they have what they tried so hard for and they no longer want it. They were consumed in the chase, the mystery of me. And didn’t realize that once they broke my walls down all that is left is me.

Maybe it’s because I’m such a mystery and so hard to read that they guys just want to crack my code.

Either way, I have yet to open up. I still have myself in tact. He’s knocking on that wall (sometimes kicking it). I can see myself taking it down; I feel it coming. I feel that I am falling for him. I feel that I’m about to throw all caution to the wind. The cynicism that has recently taken up residence within me this past year is subsiding. The softhearted, trusting romantic is beginning to return and she just doesn’t want to get burned again. Not after the last wild fire that took so long to put out.

Crazy how I just woke up one day and everything had changed. I have to say, I am grateful for the change. I missed the romantic part of myself.

So now I just have some ghosts from the past to work through. I’ll do that. I will.

I just feel like I’m ready. Where love, couples, and all things mushy took a back seat in my mind and world for so long, I’m finally open to the idea of it—with him.

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”
-Sex and the City