Insecurity

August 4, 2008

I feel as though I am insecure, but only under certain circumstances. It’s odd, I know. Insecurity with an asterisk. I think I am attractive and I notice that guys check me out. As self-absorbed as it sounds, I expect guys to pay attention to me and to hit on me. I actually expect the guys I decide to date to fall for me and want to be with me. When I decide to hook up with a guy, it never enters my mind to wonder if I'll hear from them the next day. I assume I will and thus far, I always have.

I am confident in these ways so how could I be insecure? The insecurity comes in when it's time to get personal. All the elements mentioned above are mostly the beginning stages. The firsts.

I get incredibly insecure once the firsts fade away and we start to get to know each other, as in substance. Spending the night with them, bringing them to my apartment, allowing them into my life, these things terrify me. I put if off as long as humanly possible. I don’t want them to see me wake up in the morning or without makeup on. I don’t want them to see me casual or see my apartment, the way that I live. I worry they won’t like me anymore once they know me.

Then there’s the point where we have to start talking about serious things, about getting closer and spending lots of time together. It stops me from being spontaneous with them. Just up and doing things with them. Movie nights in, ugh. I’m not sure where this insecurity comes from. I’m not sure what my hesitation is in getting close to someone. Do I feel like I need to keep men at a distance in order for me to remain interested? I love having my own place to go to away from them. I need to feel separate from them. The less they know, the less they’ve seen, the easier it is for me to remain separate.

I’m at odds with myself because I feel as though I’m want more, that I’m ready for someone. Once I get someone and it reachs that "serious" point, I push them away. Am I always going to push people away or is it just not the right person? It isn’t crazy to assume that at 27 after a long-term, committed relationship (or two dare I say), that I now know what I want and more importantly, what I don’t want and I simply recognize it? Therefore I know right away when it's not there and feel the need to move on?

I’m afraid to put myself out there because I feel like I want something until I get it and I then I have to duck out. I don’t want to make a habit of showing every guy I date how fucked up I am. Then comes the question of whether not I am in fact fucked up or if they’re just the wrong guys? Will I not be fucked up when the right guy comes along? I’d like to think that’s the case.

(Shortly after writing this entry I found an incredible article that I think, illustrates my issue. Possibly, like a guy who chases after a woman with the intention to get her in bed and then once he is successful he loses interest, I as a woman chase after a man with the intention of wanting them to commit and once they do I lose interest. Apparently it is common but easily goes under the radar.) Here's a link to the article. Fab.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Bad-Girls:-Lets-Be-Honest-Ladies,-Arent-You-Only-Into-Him-Because-Hes-Not-Into-You?&id=87022

In other news, I am back and forth over the idea of whether I should say something to Jimmy or not. Should I ignore his phone calls or tell him exactly how I feel? I feel like no matter what I say it won’t come across how I want it and the truth is, I’m not exactly sure what it is that I want from him. Makes it kind of hard to tell him exactly how I feel when I’m not totally sure. Well, I guess that’s not entirely true but the truth just sounds kind of shallow, ego-like.

The truth is I’m upset that he doesn’t want me even though I’m not sure I want him. Regardless, I want him to want me. I want him to be calling me. I want him to want to see me and spend time with me, especially after I just had sex with him. I want him to want to be with me. If I say this in some way it just sounds like I want to be with him. Like I want a relationship or some sort of commitment from him and I’m pretty sure I don’t want that. Yea, I think it’s my ego that wants to be stroked.