Got him?

July 17, 2008

So I think my hard work has paid off. I think I'm back in with Jimmy. I'm not sure how far, what it is, or what it has the potential to become. But I'm sorta in. He's starting to open up to me again and we're definitely talking everyday. Tomorrow is his birthday, 23, (presh), and I'm giving him a gift for sure.

The problem is what do I do about Ken. I can't have them both. Jimmy unfortunately knows about Ken. The thing is, I'm not entirely sure that I'm in with Jimmy so I don't really want to just cut Ken off, but if I continue to hang out with Ken I will certainly lose out on any opportunity with Jimmy. I've been putting Ken off for quite a while and it has not gone unnoticed on his part. Oh no, he's hip to my game. He's trying to figure out why. I feel bad about that. He's a good guy. I'm kinda leaving him there for a bit.

I wish I could explain this amazing crush I have on Jimmy, but I can't. I think of him when I'm with Ken but I never think of Ken when I'm with Jimmy. I think of him all the time really, all the time. I can't say that I see it going anywhere significant. I don't want anything significant so subconsciously I reach for that. Not to mention I'm insanely attracted to him. After we get off the phone I'm already thinking of when I'll talk to him again, and looking forward to it. Ken would get too serious...he's already tried. I don't know that I see Jimmy getting there. I think it will just be child-like fun and that's what I want, safe and nonthreatening.

It sucks because I have this inner turmoil over what I want and what I feel like I should want. At the age of 27 I should want something significant, right? I should be looking to settle down if I ever plan to. But I am feeling exactly the opposite. I'm running from it in fact. And whelp, that's just the way its going to have to be because I'm not about to do something I'm not ready for or don't want simply because of my age. You're only as old as you feel, right? I feel like I'm sewing the wild oats I should've sewn in my early 20s while instead I was settled down and playing house. Well, making up for it now.

The Ex is sitting here asking me to marry him. Saying how he misses us and hopes something good will happen with us soon. It’s so weird to hear all of that from him, and even more weird that I don't really have a reaction to it other than a stunned one. I feel numb to it.

I would've wanted that two years ago. But now, I want to be free. The second I feel my freedom being threatened I cringe. Oh no, don't take it away yet. I'm just not finished being free!