Self-inflicted torture

I tell everyone, including him, that we're friends simply because it's easier. I am not blind to the fact that we get along great as friends yet horribly as lovers. Even when he compliments me and compliments "us" I shake it off and say, "We are great as friends, I like it better this way." Even when he says he thinks we'd be great together. To him, I disagree. I disagree because I know he doesn't fully mean it. I know he can't give me what I'd want from him and I'd simply wind up let down. I'm sparing him, myself, and us that disappointment.

Today when he asked me to answer him honestly I lied. I lied when he asked, "Does any part of you still have a small crush on me?" I said no. When I asked him the same question, he said he did. I don't believe him. So I said what I always do, "we're great as friends."

Since he's dropped me off I've thought of him. I've checked my phone once or twice. I've debated calling him and telling him I lied. But then I stop myself because I know it will get me no where. I'd simply be putting my neck out there and in the past, doing that hasn't served me well with him. We're better this way. It's the only way we can continue to get along, or rather, the only way I can continue to get along with him.

On New Year's Eve he came over while I was getting ready for my party. He came over to give me a New Year's kiss since we wouldn't be together when midnight struck. We kissed. We hadn't kissed in months. We vowed not to kiss anyone else that night. When I came back home, slightly tipsy, I called him and went to his place. I cuddled into bed with him still in my cocktail dress. He held me. He didn't try to do anything other than keep me warm. He didn't try even though we'd slept together before. He didn't try even though I'm sure he knew he probably could. He even said, "I was going to try to have sex with you when you came over, but I'm gonna be the nice guy, and not." I'm glad he didn't. On New Year's Day when he came over (fainting an excuse to need to use my computer even though today he told me he had bought a new one and didn't need mine), he said he was trying to show me that he could be a good guy. I'm skeptical still. There had to have been another reason.

I'm glad he didn't try thought, because I wouldn't have been able to say no yet I would have been able to feel crappy about it. I'd feel crappy about it because it's not just sex with him. I care about him. Ah, the cliche of it all.

I do, truly, enjoy the friendship we have now. We have fun together, act silly together, and really talk to one another. Our relationship has grown considerably. Slowly, but surely, it has become more real.

What I'm wondering is if in fact this crush I have on him will ever go away? It's been going strong for 8 months now. Some of those months we were together, but most we were not. And even during the months we were together, our "together" wasn't much to speak of. It is right for me to deny my feelings, right? I'm sure it is. He's one of those guys that only seems to be interested when he is experiencing denial. The second I give in his interest will lack and the only reason he's popping these questions about me and us is because he's not getting anything from me. I'm sure of it. I think.Am I only experiencing these feelings because there is no one else of interest to speak of? Would another guy cause him to disappear from my mind?

Now if I could just will this crush to go away, I'd be golden.

Ex-factor

The problem with hanging out with an ex, no matter how long it's been since the end, and no matter how much you've convinced yourself that you're over it all and you're now a new shiny person who is capable of a friendship, the problem is, you're wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

If you loved the person at any point in time then that love does not disappear. The relationship ended, and it ended for a reason. Probably a good one. At some point those reasons, no matter how far you've pushed them out of your mind, will resurface. Those unanswered questions will come back up. The questions you'll never truly have an answer for, except you do. You admitted them to yourself long ago, but the presence, well the presence has you being naive again. That closure you created for yourself because he just wasn't worth the time. It'll open up again. Frayed ends. You'll find yourself going through the same old motions. You'll feel that pang of hurt. It'll flood back in as though you never spent all those years building a wall. Fresh cuts as if they were carved the day before. Ouch.

Always, with that person, it will be there. No matter how much you want to prove to them that you've changed. Two years later you're different now. With them, you're not. You'll morph into that sad person. They'll get the best of you. Again. Over and over. You'll never escape it until you escape them.

Relapse

So it seems I need to be a little more clear with myself. Okay, more like harsh.

Dating hiatus does not in any way mean that you should continue to have sex with a guy who has clearly shown he is lazy and has no interest in putting the effort into you that you so deserve.

I relapsed Sunday night and slept with Jimmy. It will be the final time. I'm sure of it because of how I felt afterward. Awful. Definite post depression sunk in immediately. I was so angry with myself. So much so, that I had to leave shortly after the act. I did a fabulous job of ignoring him all weekend which of course made him come on stronger. He's so predictable. Then I ended all of that hard work with giving up in the most extreme way. No more.

I actually left and called The Ex. I needed to talk to someone. At 1am he listened to me babble about what I did, what's wrong with me, why, why, why?? I was a wreck. He just listened and told me to just stop. I'm too good for it, and I know it. He said I am too hard on myself. Sometimes I am so incredibly thankful for him. I think he has grown to be a real friend to me. In some ways.

The next day, I felt even more foolish but immediately began the process of blocking the previous nights' events out of my mind completely. I am ending this nonsense. I know I've said this time and time again.

In other news, Ken has resurfaced and his new angle is that he'd like to be friends. I guess technically he never went away in order to resurface. I have heard from him at least once a week whether it's a text or a phone call. Regardless, this new proposal is coming from the same guy who hated the fact that I had so many guy friends, (I get along great with guys, it's just easy and I have fun with them. Period). He was always adamant about the fact that he did not have friends as girls. If he was hanging out with a girl it was because he was interested in her for other reasons. And last but not least, all my guy friends "just want to fuck" me. Ironic that he now would like to be my friend.

I of course mentioned his "theory." His response is that I could be his first friend as a girl. He just misses me and maybe it will be a disaster, but it could be a good thing too. He threw in how it has taken him a long time to get over me, that he wishes I hadn't closed up on him, i.e. all things that sound like he might not actually be over me. Hmm. Well, I am always up for remaining friends with people. I can do it. My experience is that guys usually can't. I'm skeptical because I think this may just be an angle. But, I rarely turn things down without giving it a shot, so I will. I am in full control of what does and does not happen. I'll keep ya posted on the progress of that one.

Be free to be afraid

I am happy to report that I had a successful first date last night. I met the guy a couple Saturday's ago at a hot spot downtown. We talked a bit, we know some of the same people, he lives and works in DC (not too far), but is in town often to visit friends.

He was in town yesterday, his birthday, to have dinner with his family. He asked if I'd like to meet for a drink after. I rarely go out on a school night, but I work in the city, coincidentally, in the building next door to where he and his fam were having dinner. So I figured why the hell not. Not to mention, I've gotta loosen up a bit. If I want change then I have to change the way I act and react. So I said yes. We decided we'd work out the details yesterday afternoon.

So on schedule I got a text from him saying he expected to be finished with dinner around 9:30ish, would that be okay? Then immediately, my cell phone died. Fab.

That's a wee bit late for me to make the trip back into the city (I love about 20 minutes north). I wasn't too keen on driving home from the city then back down hours later, only to make the trip again in the morning. I made up my mind while still at work that we'd reschedule but I'd have to wait until I got home to do so. My co-worker informed me that I'd have to call because otherwise it just sounded like an excuse. "Sorry it took a while for me to respond, my phone died right when I got your text, and oh, by the way, tonight's not going to work after all. Too late for me." Well I wasn't ready for voice-on-voice. I'm such a scaredy cat. Plus, he was having dinner with his fam....so not trying to interrupt that. So although I told her, of course I'll call, I texted. A whole hour later canceling, but I'd like to do it another time. He wrote write back.

He said he understood, thought I lived closer and well, didn't mind coming coming to get me (an extra 20 minutes north out of his way for heading home), and grabbing a drink close by. Wow, impressive.

I thought on the idea for a minute. I was all set to cancel and do nothing. Once I get in that state of mind it's hard to get out. Another one of my stupid qualities I need to change. But then, the fear crept him. Having him come to my place? Ugh, I'm such a wierdo when it comes to that stuff. I get all uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing for a bit. I grabbed the leash and took the dog for a walk.

I wracked my brain. If I say no it would require me to come up with a lame excuse, i.e. lie. I'd be mad at myself later for still effing with the immature, selfish guys in my life with no one to blame but myself for the lack of new. I'd do nothing but read and watch bad TV if I stayed in. Why do I put myself through so much mental turmoil over such trivial things? Woudn't normal people just say, okay, sounds good! I'm a mess.

So when I got back to my apartment I texted him saying that sounded good (in my most normal text voice). I was not normal on the inside.

He called me from the restaurant just before dessert and we had a good little convo. Laughing is always good. It was presh. I texted him my address and just 20 minutes later he let me know he was on his way. So far he was doing it all right.

He arrived and we headed to a local martini bar. We stayed for a few hours and talked a lot. It was good, it was nice. We'll see how it goes.

I'm just proud of myself for getting over the hump. What seemed like nothing, was big for me. The past two years has certainly been a process. I've barely put myself out there and somehow have expected change.

I've chosen guys that were not good enough for me because they were safe. I could leave them when the reality of their inadequacy became something I couldn't ignore any longer. They never left me because I was the best they could do. What's there to be afraid of if I know I'm superior and in control? Well, I can't be happy that way either. It's time to be scared.

Mental prepration

At 10am this morning my mental preparation for the incredibly awkward position I will be putting myself in tomorrow began. Early, I know. I hadn't even had coffee. Already I was pacing the apartment. Finally, I was curled up on my sofa on the phone with my girlfriend unloading info. A pickle before noon on a Saturday, following a night that I didn't even go out. Unheard of for most, but not this girl.

The mental preparation is not complete. Let me explain.

Jimmy began calling me this morning at 9am. He called 2, 3 times. I was in bed. I knew him well enough to know that he wanted something. He calls for no other reason.

Let me stray from the topic for just a moment. I've finally realized that the only reason I've felt like I'm into Jimmy is because he doesn't seem into me. I blame my ego. I knew from the beginning he was all wrong for me and I still know this. I've simply been mystified as to why he stopped showering me with attention and chasing me. I've been consumed with trying to get him to figure out that he wants me again. It's the chase to get him to want to commit. If he did decide he wanted a commitment, I'd be willing to bet that I'd revert right back to being uninterested and pushing him away, as I did in May when he first came at me full force.

I'm happy to report that since this realization I've barely thought about him. Given, it's only been a day or two, but I rarely thought of him yesterday and never wondered if he'd call. When he did call at 10pm, I was surprised. I'd actually forgotten about him! I did answer though, he did ask me to come over, I declined. I told him I was tired. We got off of the phone. I'll admit, I did start to think about him after we got off the phone. Learning that he hadn't gone into work at his second job and had gone to play poker at his brother's just showed me that when he did have free time, he wasn't interested in spending it with me. He didn't even think to call me until he was on his way home. This still upsets me and bruises my ego, but I'm deciding to just get over that. He called me again a half hour later. We talked a little more. I'm not sure what his intention was. He didn't try to see me, we just talked. I probably shouldn't even answer his phone calls but I haven't gotten to that point yet. I'll get there. Baby steps. At this point I don't even plan on talking to him about it. I don't see the point and I'm not sure he'll even notice.

So back to this morning. He started calling me at 9am. Since this whole thing is now on my terms, I didn't give him a call back until I had woken up, washed my face, brushed my teeth, started the coffee, fed the boys, and taken the dog for a walk. Once I was ready, I called.

Jimmy: What are you doing? (yea, no hello, that's the first thing he said).
Me: Nothing.
Jimmy: I've been calling you all morning.
Me: You called me twice.
Jimmy: Well I'm taking (his dog) to the shelter this morning.
Me: What? No! Don't. Just wait a couple weeks. The Ex will take him if you just wait.
Jimmy: I can't wait, I can't do it anymore. I called 411, I got a place and I'm taking him.

We had a little more back and forth. Mostly me getting details. I'm not sure why he decided to call me all morning just to tell me he was doing it. Maybe he wanted to be talked out of it.

When we hung up I texted The Ex and told him the news. I texted him again. No response. I knew his crazy stripper ex girlfriend was staying with him to "take care of him" since he decided to go back to his own place, so I didn't want to call.

Another detour. Yea, he tells me Thursday that he's gonna give it a shot at home for the weekend and see how he does. His crazy stripper ex girlfriend is picking him up and taking him home that day. He says this like it's nothing, but I felt the pang. Her birthday is Sunday, he has to get her something. She wants to do something, blah blah blah. Why is he telling me all of this bullshit? I couldn't hold back any longer...

Me: Well, I'm glad I didn't stay with you like you were trying to get me to the other night since three days later you're with her.
The Ex: I wouldn't have her come get me if you had stayed. I'd probably asked you to.
(yeah right, it's still her birthday this weekend. He still clearly cares).
Me: Right.
The Ex: Besides, you'd probably be busy with Ken or Jimmy anyway.

Then I had flashes of how often I bitch and moan about Jimmy to him. How I was "out" with Ken the other night, and realized he's hearing stuff about me and other guys constantly. He's probably glad to have something to throw at me. Guess I can dish it but I can't take it.

So anyway, I couldn't take it anymore, this was about the dog so I called him. I told him. He actually said, let me talk to (my crazy stripper ex girlfriend). What, why her? Because, I need help. If she'll help me take care of him then I'll take the dog right now. Grrr...my insides were churning as I simultaneously thanked god that I didn't stay and "cuddle" with him that night this past week. What a fucker ya know? Ugh. Anyway. Focus. This is about the dog. He said he'd call me back in 1o.

I called Jimmy and told him to wait. Don't leave yet. I'm trying to talk The Ex into taking him now.

The Ex called back and said yes, he'd take him but not until tomorrow. He's having a big birthday cookout for his cousin at his house today and there will be just too many people there. If he could wait until tomorrow, he'd take him. She'd agreed to help. Ew. I don't want her crazy stripper hands all over that sweet, sweet puppy. Anger and jealousy was boiling inside of me. I did my best to ignore it because more than anything I didn't want the dog to wind up at the pound or worse, put to sleep. But wait, how are we going to do this odd transaction? Oy.

So I called Jimmy and told him. I could hear the relief in his voice. He didn't want to take the dog to the pound. He agreed to wait until tomorrow. I told him, you're going to have to come with me to take the dog.

Jimmy: What, why?
Me: Because, his crazy stripper ex girlfriend is staying with him now, taking care of him, and the only way he can take the dog right now is because she agreed to help since he's basically crippled. She's going to be there. She doesn't like that we talk. This has to be between you and The Ex not me and The Ex.
Jimmy: You've been there before?! I don't want to talk to him!
Me: Yea, well not when she's there, and why not?
Jimmy: I don't know him. I don't want to.
Me: Well, you have to. I'll go with you but you need to come.
Jimmy: Fine.

So, tomorrow, Jimmy and I are going to drive down to MY OLD house that I shared with The Ex and deliver Jimmy's dog to The Ex and his crazy stripper ex girlfriend. I've never seen her in person. I've never seen him with another girl. I've never seen another girl in MY OLD house. I was with The Ex this past Sunday, he's been trying to get back with me, I was with him this past Monday, he tried to get me to stay the night with him. Now he's playing house with her.

I have no idea how this situation is going to affect me but I don't think it is going to be in a positive way. Jimmy is my armor. Although we're not a couple, it will look like we are. I'm going there with someone. God knows I could never and I mean never go by myself. I hate to say it, but I may rather have the dog go to the pound then deliver the dog by myself. Selfish, maybe but I value my heart.

I'm not an overly religious person, but I do believe that things happen for a reason and I believe this is happening for a reason. I'm being put into this position, a position that will provide me with a picture that I'll more than likely never be able to forget. I will not be able to ignore the fact that he moved another girl into "our" house less than a month after I moved out. I'm going to see it first hand. No one should ever have to see what I'm going to see tomorrow, but I need to. It'll be something that will be a barricade that will never allow me to give The Ex a second chance. Something I know I should never do anyway.

This will be my last outing with Jimmy. Once this is over I'll be moving on.

Last one on the bandwagon

So I realize "He's Just Not That Into You" was a phenomenon oh, 2 years ago? Well, I was just lent the book yesterday by a co-worker, (hidden message there?), and devoured it last night.

All in all, an okay book. The question and answer format bugged me. The "workbook" portion at the end of every chapter annoyed the shit outta me. I breezed through what didn't apply to me. I gotta admit, parts of it depressed me. This guy, (the co-author), really thinks us women are this stupid? Are some of us? Jeez, I hope not. But peppered throughout I did find some good advice I fully intend to digest. There were definitely parts that I could relate to.

In my opinion, the authors should have just written the book in a normal format throughout. But hey, what do I know? I have no book deals under my belt.

I will say, this book found me at the perfect time. Jimmy is just not that into me. I get it. Below are quotes from the book that I found useful, jotted down, and plan to revisit. Consistently, until it sinks in. (I'm such a quote junky).

The movie is in fact coming out in 2009 with a seriously awesome cast. Check out the trailer.
http://www.imdb.com/rg/VIDEO_PLAY/LINK//video/screenplay/vi4024303897/.

And onto the quotes....

"Don't waste the pretty."

"The word 'busy' is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word 'busy' is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want."

"It's hard. We're taught in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case, look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, no the exception. It's intoxicatingly liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. Because this is what we do: We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoint us. Then we go int hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think is that this great man that we are so excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. We try to come up with some explanation for why they're behaving that way, any explanation, no matter how ridiculous, than the one explanation that's the truth: He's just not that into me."

"Bad boys are bad because they're troubled, as in having little self-respect, lots of pent-up anger, loads of self-loathing, complete lack of faith in any kind of loving relationship."

"Bad boys are actually bad."

"If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start 'figuring him out' please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is."

"Cut your losses and don't waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it? Fine. Here's the answer you're looking for, 'Hang in there, baby. He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!' But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship."

"Oh sure, they say they're busy. They say that they didn't have even a moment in their insanely busy day to pick up the phone. It was just THAT crazy! Bullshit. With the advent of cell phones and speed dialing it is almost impossible NOT to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don't even mean to. We ma try to make you think differently, but we men are just like you. We like taking a break from our generally mundane day to talk to someone we like. It makes us happy. And we like to be happy, just like you. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you."

"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life."

"Don't let the 'honeys' and the 'babys' fool you. His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than 'I'm just not that into you.' Remember, actions speak louder than, 'There's no cell reception where I am right now.'"

"Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside."

"I don't want to be 'sort of dating' someone. I don't want to be 'kinda hanging out' with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me."

"Wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted. And when you do move on and find your right person, believe me, you're not going to wish you had gotten to spend more time with Stinky the Time-Waster or Freddy Can't -Remember-to-Call."

"Love cures commitment-phobia."

I'm resting my hat on this last one. Regarding me, myself, and I.

Off track

In the beginning of the month I mentioned the drawing of a line. I mentioned being fed up with the guys that were in my life. I was ready for something real, I was letting them know, and then I was letting them go. Movin' on and movin' up.

Yet here I am once again perplexed and somewhat annoyed with these two guys.

Jimmy is obviously still around because he said he wanted a chance at something real. I always give a second chance. Especially when I'm the one who caused the damage that ended the first chance anyway. And I really like him and that's reason enough. But let me be real with myself, I've had my doubts about that boy since day one. I've doubted his sincerity and his intentions.

Ken? No excuses. He should have long since been shipped off to the land of the lost boys because I'm just not that into him.

Chalk it up to the fact that I'm frustrated with Jimmy and I, but when Ken called yesterday to see how I had been and asked if I'd meet him for a drink, I said yes. We agreed to meet at 8pm at a place between us both. Oh, why the hell not. Well, apparently, good reason.

He had wanted to meet at 8:30, I felt that was late so he suggested 7:30. He called me as he was leaving the gym around 5:30, I was leaving work. He said he'd try not to be late. I got a hunch that he had things to do. I told him we could do it another time if he couldn't make it that early, I just didn't want to make it a late night. He insisted that he wanted to see me that night so he'd make it work.

He texted me every hour after that to "see how I was making out." Is this some kinda progress report? I joked, since he's a teacher. But seriously, how are we on time? How are you making out? At 6pm, then 7pm, I mean, come on bud. Anxious much?

Sure enough The Ex's radar went off and he called while I was getting ready. I told him what I was doing. He didn't like it, I could tell. He told me to be careful and not to do anything stupid. As if I was in some sort of danger.

I hadn't heard from Jimmy all day so I called him en route in an attempt to avoid receiving a phone call while I was with Ken that I would have to ignore. He didn't answer. Oy vey.

I then shot a text over to Ken to let him know I was on my way. Basically, I hate waiting, plan accordingly. I got to our meeting place at about ten minutes to eight, and called Ken. No answer. I waited. At five after eight I got a text, "On my way." Are you kidding me? He lives at least 20 minutes away. WTF. I'm not even that into this guy, could care less that I hadn't talked to him in a week, and now here I am sitting in a parking lot waiting for his ass. I could've been home curled up in bed with the boys finishing my book that's getting seriously good. I texted him back, "Jeez, guess you really meant 8:30, huh." At 8:20 he called.

Ken: You're gonna kill me
Me: Oh god, why.
Ken: I was fighting with my brother so I left late, then I ran outta gas and had to push my car to the gas station. I think I left my wallet at the gym, (this guy is the most forgetful person I've ever met, seriously. He does this shit all the time). I put $4 in my tank.
Me: Where are you now?
Ken: 695 (which I knew meant he just got on the road to meet me).

I immediately started my car and started backing out of the parking spot. Eff this.

Me: Well, let's just do this another time. All signs are pointing to the fact that that's the best idea. (I barely am interested. You forgot your wallet, i.e. you have no money. I'm not picking up the tab, bub).
Ken: But you're already there. I'm on my way. I really want to see you.
Me: We can do it another time. (Psh, maybe).
Ken: I'm so sorry. I'm so mad at myself. You're mad aren't you? I'd be mad. Ugh, grr, blah.
Me: It's cool, another time.
Ken: Well come to my place!
Me: Nah, not tonight.
Ken: Why not?
Me: Because I'm already on my way home.
Ken: I could come to yours!
Me: Nah, another time. Meeting for a drink to catch up would've been okay but I'm not trying to hang out late or anything. Maybe another time. (Stress maybe).

He tried to linger on the phone. I wasn't up for small talk. I told him I had to go, and I drove home. Pissed.

The reality hit me that Jimmy hadn't even called me back. I felt so alone. I wanted to cry but couldn't. I wanted to drive around and listen to sappy music and smoke cigarettes but I had no cigarettes and didn't want to waste my gas. So I just drove home. Pissed. Mostly at myself.

I took off my freshly applied makeup, replaced my changed outfit for sweats, got a glass of water, and headed to my bed to read while America's Funniest Videos played in the background. I gave the boys lots of lovin' because they never let me down.

The Ex sent me a text:

The Ex: If you're not home you should be thinking about wrapping it up soon, tomorrow is gonna come quick. Be careful and don't do anything dumb. xoxox
Me: Thanks, Dad.

I didn't want to let him know that the plans fell through. It would've given him too much satisfaction.

The Ex: Anytime, when are you going home?
Me: Soon.
The Ex: How soon?
Me: Soon, goof! What's with all the questions, writing a book?
The Ex: Maybe, where are you at?
The Ex: How long are you going to be there?

Okay, this was getting ridiculous. I'm not sending a good message if I respond to every one of his texts while I'm supposed to be out with another guy. Plus, I started thinking that he was probably sending me all of these texts full of nonsense just to have me reaching for my phone continuously, therefore, annoying the shit out of Ken. (Which it would've had I been out with him).

Me: Now you're just being a brat. I see what you're doing slick.
The Ex: I miss you, can't you tell? What am I doing?
The Ex: I'll leave you alone. Have fun, be careful. I was just thinking about you. xoxoxoxoxox

I couldn't fight it any longer so I called Jimmy again. He didn't answer. But this time, he called me right back. He's been studying so much he said. The EMT test at the academy is kicking his ass. He hates test, books, studying. He's nervous he's not going to pass. All he's been doing is studying. I could hear in his voice how exhausted he was. The sound was familiar. "You miss me?" he said.

Me: I do, and I think you may have been right long ago when you said you didn't think you had the time to be talking to someone. (I hadn't planned on bringing this up at this time but it just came out).
Jimmy: Whatever, I'll talk to you later.
Me: What do you mean you'll talk to me later? No.
Jimmy: You say it like there's somebody else!
Me: How in the world did I say it like there's somebody else?? (Seriously, where in the world did that come from)?
Jimmy: That's not fair, you know I've been trying so hard at the academy, it's been so hard and I'm so tired.

I cut him off

Me: I know, I know, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. I'm just saying, I know you're busy and tired and maybe you just don't have the time. It's okay.
Jimmy: Let me study some more and I'll call you back in a little bit.

I thought for sure he wouldn't call me back but an hour later he did. We just talked. He told me about his tests. He told me how hard it all was for him. I told him about work and my friends. I didn't bring up the other subject again. I thought we'd just talk for a bit, and we did.

After we got off the phone I couldn't stop thinking about our short conversation on the subject I've spent almost a week thinking about. What did his reaction mean? Did he call back just to talk because he was trying to show me he wanted to make an effort to make time? Is he just worried I'm going to see someone else so he's stringing me along? I texted him. "Good night, I do miss you...just not sure you have the time to be talking to someone. If that's the case you can tell me, I'll understand. No hard feelings..." I'm sure he was sleeping by then so no response.

After I got out of the shower this morning I grabbed my phone to turn on the internet radio I like to listen to while I get ready for work and saw that I had three missed calls. Hmm, odd. They were all Jimmy. Yay! He saw my text and wanted to talk! He had left a voice mail, so I listened.
Negative. Nothing about the text. Apparently he had a bad morning with his dog that he's been thinking about giving away now that he just doesn't have the time for him.

Can you believe The Ex wants to take the dog? It could just be one of his sneaky ways to get close. Who can decipher the inner workings of The Ex's brain, not I. Jimmy was 100% against giving the dog to The Ex. He looked at me like I had five heads when I brought it up. Guess he's desperate. So he was calling because he wanted me to find out of my ex was serious about taking the dog because he just has had enough. Text him and let him know because he's going into class. Hmph.

Left wanting more

I woke up at around 3am last night and for the life of me, I couldn't go back to sleep. My mind just kept going. Could I not sleep because my mind wouldn't stop or would my mind not stop because I couldn't sleep? I'm not sure. I know that it was thoughts of Jimmy that were occupying my mind. He's the first thing I think of every time I wake up, whether it be in the middle of the night or the morning. He is who I'm thinking of when I check my phone to see if I have any missed calls or texts, always hopeful.

What monopolized my mind were thoughts of talking to him about us. What should I say, should I say anything, is it too soon, should I wait a little longer?

It's been a week and a couple days since he said he was grown, ready, and asked if I'd be willing to give him another shot. Not that long, I know. Factor in that Monday was his first day in the fire fighter's academy, and there's no mystery as to why he's been exhausted working two jobs. The academy has been a major adjustment. I know working until 2am Fri, Sat, and Sun at his second job takes a toll on top of that. I guess I've just wanted this for what feels like forever and having him say he wanted the same thing had me wanting it even more. And wanting it right away.

I'll give it to him, the spare time that he does have that isn't spent sleeping, seems to be time he tries to spend with me. He's not going out with his friends. He's not just hanging out anywhere. He calls me everyday. When something major happens that makes him upset or worried, he calls me. I'm that call.

This weekend was the first weekend since we've decided to "see what happens." On Friday he worked from 7am-4pm at the academy then had to go directly to his second job where he worked from 4pm until 2am. He texted me while working his second job and said that he missed me and hopes I know that and he couldn't wait to see me soon. He called me on his way home from his second job but it was 2am, I was in bed, and didn't really talk to him.

On Saturday after going to the gym he came to the pool with me. How he even woke up at a decent hour after a Friday like that, I have no idea. I'm tired just thinking of his schedule. He had to leave to go to his second job at 3:30. Not much time. We went back to his place, took a shower (and stuff), and then took a nap together with his phone alarm set so he could get up and go to work. I had dinner plans with my friend and needed to head home to get ready anyway. He called me at 8pm from work to see what I was doing and let me know how great earlier was and he couldn't stop thinking about it. Then again around 10ish when he's not supposed to talk on the phone at all. I put it out there and said I'd like to stay with him that night. He said if he wasn't too tired. Not the answer I wanted. And he did call me when he got home, but he didn't mention my coming over or him coming to me, so neither did I.

So I understand he's so busy and tired, but that was the gist of the time we spent together this weekend. And that's not enough for me.

I'm contemplating giving him an out (one I hope he does not take). Just asking if he felt he was right long ago when he said he was so busy and didn't have the extra time to be seeing someone. Is it too quick to jump to that? Should I wait a while and let him get used to the academy? I don't want to be an added pressure. That's why I rarely call him. I let him call me. For the most part I don't ask to see him, I let him come to me. But it's difficult. I feel myself holding back and biting my tongue because I want more. I just remember how I felt when Ken would tell me he wanted more. Ugh, it was a pain in the ass. It pushed me away. I don't want to do that. I would never go about it the way Ken did, but I also don't want to go about it in a way that makes it sound like I don't care (which I always manage to do with guys). I also don't want him to be feeling for me what I felt for Ken.

It all comes down to the fact that I really like him. I don't want his answer to be yes, it seems I just don't have the time, sorry. I don't want that. Should I really ask a question on the basis that I'm only hoping to receive one answer? If I'm going to get a different answer then I don't want to say anything. I'm just torn. I feel like a stupid schoolgirl. Pathetic. Hmph.

In other news, the ex-haircutting personal trainer at my gym called yesterday in an attempt to make our dinner plans. My strategy was to answer when he called and just tell him that I had been seeing someone and recently has gotten serious, sorry, bad timing. This is strictly because I'm not interested in him, it has nothing to do with Jimmy. Swear. Unfortunately, I missed his call. He left me the longest voice mail in the history of voice mails, but ended saying he'd be at the gym tonight. Great. Now I've got to do it in person. I hate confrontation.

I would've called him a back last night, but I went to visit The Ex at his mother's since he recently had surgery and has been and will be laid up for quite a while, and I was there when he had called. Again, there is no emotion attached to seeing him but I still get jealous when he tells me that his ex came up and visited him the night before and spent the night. Why do I get jealous if I don't have feelings for him? I say nothing by the way, I just feel it internally and curse myself for it. I have love for him but it feels like a family-type love. It's all very odd. It was nice to hang out with him and his mom. Mostly his mom. I miss his family. She still has a picture of him and I in a frame in the living room on the bookshelf where all of her children and their significant others are framed. Why not the most recent ex? I like that it was me, not gonna lie. Bad picture, one of us I took myself while we were in Punta Cana, but it was us so I was happy. I win! I commented on it to him, he said he had to turn it around when his ex came over the night before. I got jealous again. I stayed for dinner and that was it. No biggie.

As soon as I got in my car to leave I thought of Jimmy again.

Why can't there be guarantees in life?

Foolish me

I'm so quick to assume the worst these days. He's gonna fuck it up, he's fucking it up, that's it, he has gone and fucked it all up. It's over. I knew it. Geeze. I think I need to cut him just a wee bit of slack. Bring back the good old benefit of the doubt.

Just one night that he didn't call me (after his very first day in the fireman's academy when he had to get up at an ungodly hour), and I assume he's bullshit. Harsh, even for me. I even sent him a "Whatever, you're acting the same" text last night before I went to sleep. Nailing that coffin. He called me today at 4:13pm (he gets out of the academy at 4 so right away) asking why I was so mad at him. Poor guy. It warmed my heart when he said, "I fell asleep, babe!" Aw. Hearing him call me babe and I'm immediately mush. Forgiven.

I'm just so afraid that it's all going to go away and even before it's really begun. That he's going to realize he didn't really mean what he had said and pull away again. That it's not real. That he's not real. I put myself out there and tried with him for at least a couple of weeks. I know this sounds like no time at all, but considering it was my first time chasing a guy, it means a lot to me. Now that he's come back around I'm just so happy to have it and at the same time so afraid to lose it. I think I'm falling in love with this kid. Seriously, what am I getting myself into? I don't care. I'm not going to think about it, analyze it (more than I already have), I'm just going to let it happen. I am thankful to have this feeling for him. It feels so damn good. I'm going with it.

Sweet, sweet pickle

So as mentioned in my last post, I've made my realization that I am ready for something real. The BBD (Bigger, Better Deal).

I'm ready to take something and someone seriously. It is due time to clear out the bullshit and make room for the realness. No more, eh, why not go out with him? From now on, I'm not going out with someone unless I significantly want to. Unless I actually see myself with this person down the road, at least in a dating sense. The, "a girls' gotta eat" motto I've been living by for the past 2 years is officially going out the window. And with that, once I've realized I don't see myself with said person, I will be moving on leaving them behind. No more worries about remaining friends, cordial, etc. No more baggage. Traveling light is the goal.

This comes on the heels of being sick and tired, tired and sick, time and time again with the guys I've been dealing with lately. Hanging out with my very best, oldest friend and her boyfriend who have a great relationship has also helped me see that I'm ready for something like what they have. Pepper in the fact that this past Friday, August 15, was my official 2-year Independent Anniversary. Yup, it had been 2 years to the day since I moved out of the house I had shared with The Ex. It hit me that I've been fucking around for the past 2 years. I'm putting my big girl pants on.

So that brings me to the events of this past weekend. Saturday my best and oldest friend and I decide to go out to dinner and drinks, something that has been long overdue. I rarely get that girl outta house, so armed with my new and improved attitude and her by my side, I was pretty darn excited. I had $100 to expense at any restaurant, a gift given to me by my company for putting in 3 years, and if we couldn't eat that $100 then by god we were gonna drink it. I bought a hot new top that would definitely go with my favorite gold heels. Perfect outfit in mind I was set.

So the best place to eat (and drink) and easily rack up $100 is the lovely hot spot that Jimmy just so happens to work weekends at. She hadn't been out in forever and this hot summer spot wouldn't be open much longer with the season quickly coming to an end, so that is where we set off. Can't lie, I was excited to strut around in front of Jimmy because, gotta say, I looked hot.

It was a gorgeous summer night so clearly we weren't alone in thinking it would be a great idea to sit outside by the water and have dinner. Needless to say, we had to wait for an outside table. We went to the outdoor deck to get a drink or two while we waited. As we casually walked onto the deck, there was Jimmy who reached out and grabbed me as I walked by and pulled me in for a big hug. It was all over his face what he thought when he saw me. How easy men are to read sometimes, I swear. Well, I was completely casual. He was all over it, introducing me to the guys he works with (obviously trying to show off that he knew me), asking when I was going to come see his dog who "misses me terribly," and complimenting how great I looked. (I had even laid out at the pool for a couple hours earlier that day so I'd have a fresh brown tan...I was wearing white shorts and a cream top with gold accessories. Glowing).

I was definitely enjoying waltzing around looking good in a see-what-you-gave-up way, and totally expected him to have that reaction. What I didn't expect was the extent of his reaction. After we were seated at our table, about to order, a guy with a basket of roses came over and handed me a red rose and my friend a pink rose. I looked at him stumped. The man then motioned behind him (clearly he didn't speak a lick of English), and as I followed his look I saw Jimmy on the other side of the bar waving. Presh. I then received a text.

Jimmy: "Oh my God you look really good tonight. I just don't know why I wouldn't try with
you, but I do like you. I think it's that I really don't think you like me, you just say you do."
Me: "Thanks, and thanks for the roses. I did like you, I tried remember? Bad timing I guess. It's cool though.
Jimmy: Well, would you be willing to talk to me again?

I had no idea what to say. My friend had hundreds of ideas, all complete with hurdles and hoops he must jump through before he'd be worthy. I knew I'd never make him do any of those things. Shortly after the last text he came over to our table to talk for a bit, bringing yet another friend to introduce me to. Funny. He asked if I got his text and I said that I had. I was totally playing it cool. He then left us to our appetizer. Finally I responded.

Me: I would but I'm not going to be the one trying. You were acting like a jerk for a while. Why the sudden change of mind?
Jimmy: I am grown up and ready now to start.
Me: Well, we can see what happens.

He went on texting me throughout the night saying things like how he has missed me and more about how good I looked. I loved it. I really did. Did I finally get what I had wanted for so long? All it took is for me to stop, give up, and then put myself in his vision? The thought was definitely running through my mind that this kid is an out of sight out of mind type guy and hadn't thought about me at all until I showed up at his work looking fabulous and so he decided he wanted me. Of course once I was no longer there he wouldn't. That he meant it then but didn't mean it indefinitely.

I can't help that I still like him so much, so I put that thought out of my mind temporarily. I decided I'd just go with it. I owe it to myself considering the feelings I have for him that clearly I just can't kick. I stand by the fact that I will not be the one trying anymore. But how fabulous would it be if were finally on the same page? Part of me thinks he has just been afraid all along. Maybe he really is ready, maybe.

My friend and I finished our dinner and stayed for a few hours after before we moved onto another bar around 11:30 to do some serious, much overdue dancing. He wanted me to come to his place and "cuddle" once I got home. He'd be getting off early and would stay up and wait for me. He texted and called me while I was out and I just told him to go to sleep. He was tired. I wasn't going home early, I was having a blast with my girlfriend. I didn't want it to be that easy for him anyway.

Another friend of mine and I headed back there on Sunday for lunch. She's much younger (I actually used to babysit her!), and she was heading to college the next day. It was our going away lunch. I was taking her to an "adult" place I knew she'd love. I know, I was not oblivious to the fact that I was going there twice in one weekend but I swear it had nothing to do with him. These were two things planned out way in advance and just so happened to fall on the same weekend. Trust me, I was embarrassed by this. But still, I did see him again. He was sweet as anything again.

My friend wound up spending the night that night so we couldn't see each other later. He had asked. I'm kind of glad I was unavailable. I don't want to be available to him at the drop of a hat, simply because he decided to change his mind and was ready. (Though I did just 3 days earlier tell him I was ready). But he did walk his dog to my apartment and ask me to come outside to see him for a minute. I did, we talked, we kissed. He asked if I was his baby. Instantly I turn to mush once again. I couldn't be happier to say yes. I asked if he meant all the things he had said the night before. He said of course he did, he wouldn't have said them if he didn't. We kissed more. Mmmm. He came back around past my place on his way home and I went out. We kissed more. Oh, crushing so badly. Shamelessly crushing.

That night I dreamed of him. I kept waking up and asking myself if the things he had said had really happened or not, and then was happy to think that it really had. This is how freaking seriously I like him. Sheer craziness. I could barely sleep just so I could wake myself up to remind myself that it is real. Disgusting, I know.

Yesterday was his first day in the academy (he just got accepted into the fire department, could he GET any hotter?). He called me at his lunch break to let me know how it was going. Again, warms my heart. He asked if we could cuddle that night, I said maybe. I called him when I got out of work, he didn't answer, and then I headed into the gym. I worked out for a little over an hour. He called me twice while I was in the gym. I called him once I got out and immediately he did the, "Where are you?" The gym! "Meeting guys at the gym?" Ugh. I hate that he assumes that I meet guys at the gym, (although, his thoughts are warranted because guys do hit on me at the gym and I had even given my number out that day to a personal trainer. I'll get to that shortly). He wanted to come by. How long would it be until I was home? I told him I had to walk the dog, make dinner, all of that but he could come by after. I called him around 8:30 when I was done walking the dog, no answer. I never heard from him again last night. Did he just fall asleep? Doubt it at 8:30.

I'm just always left feeling confused. Maybe I was right and he only said the things he said because he thought I looked good that night. Otherwise, it's out of sight out of mind for that kid. Or, was he pissed that I didn't answer when I was at the gym and was getting me back? He's so spiteful like that. Hate it. I really just don't know. I dreamed of him last night too. This time though, I dreamed that he came into my bedroom on his way into work and hugged me to say he was sorry for not calling me back last night. I dreamed that when I woke I had an apology text and a phone call. In reality, I woke to nothing. And still nothing. It's noon, lunchtime break for him, and nothing. I feel wretched. I want him to call. I want to hear from him and have him give me a reason that makes it all better.

In other news, The Ex has freaking radar. He called me last night to say hi (also while I was in the gym). I had wanted to let him know about the changes with Jimmy and I anyway. The Ex broke his ankle. He needs to have surgery. He wants me to take care of him. I told him about Jimmy and how his timing couldn't be worse. I've gotta shape up just in case this thing is for real. I'm not trying to do anything to fuck it up. At least for a certain grace period to wait this thing out. Sorry bud, you can't stay here. I'm not taking care of you.

After telling him about Jimmy, he told me to be careful. As if he should be providing advice to me regarding my love life. He knows how bad I have it for Jimmy, he can tell. After we got off the phone he texted me just to tell me how much he loves me. Jeez. I just laugh off these comments. I said, "Wow, you really want someone to take care of you, huh!" He went on to say how he wants me to, I know how much he loves me and when are we going to give it another try? I just told him, again, with the bad timing. He says that he thinks it is going to happen naturally with time. He can think that all he wants but honestly, I have no desire to profess any type of love to him. I think it's officially gone in that way. I couldn't be happier about that.

On another totally separate note (sorta). The personal trainer at the gym who complimented me my hair cut because "he used to cut hair" that I've been chatting without a care with because, duh, he has to be gay, apparently is not. Nope, definitely straight. How do I know? Whelp, he asked me out to dinner last night while I was working on my lats. Fabulous. I have an inability to turn people down, even when I know I ultimately, will do just that. I just feel so bad. I've been talking to him for days just casually, being nice, thinking he wasn't interested. Totally wrong. Damn it. How am I so naive, time and time again? Didn't I learn anything from Ken who always told me that guys aren't my friends, they just want to fuck me? (Harsh right? That's seriously how he put it.)

Ugh, I gave the ex-hair-cutting personal trainer my number. While I'm giving it to him I'm literally thinking of how I'm going to get out of this. I can't stop going to this gym, no way. I can't stop coming. I can't ignore his calls because I'll see him at the gym. I'm going to have to actually come up with a legitimate excuse. I'll just tell him I had been dating someone and it just got serious. Sorry, bad timing. I'll let it down easy. The only other issue I have is there is a trainer at the gym I had been eying for weeks. Pretty sure once it gets out that I gave my number to Larry the ex-hair cutter, I'll never have a chace with the hot trainer. And if that fact doesn't do it, my fake reason surely will. Jeez. Leave it to me. A pickle for sure. Sweet.

Insecurity

August 4, 2008

I feel as though I am insecure, but only under certain circumstances. It’s odd, I know. Insecurity with an asterisk. I think I am attractive and I notice that guys check me out. As self-absorbed as it sounds, I expect guys to pay attention to me and to hit on me. I actually expect the guys I decide to date to fall for me and want to be with me. When I decide to hook up with a guy, it never enters my mind to wonder if I'll hear from them the next day. I assume I will and thus far, I always have.

I am confident in these ways so how could I be insecure? The insecurity comes in when it's time to get personal. All the elements mentioned above are mostly the beginning stages. The firsts.

I get incredibly insecure once the firsts fade away and we start to get to know each other, as in substance. Spending the night with them, bringing them to my apartment, allowing them into my life, these things terrify me. I put if off as long as humanly possible. I don’t want them to see me wake up in the morning or without makeup on. I don’t want them to see me casual or see my apartment, the way that I live. I worry they won’t like me anymore once they know me.

Then there’s the point where we have to start talking about serious things, about getting closer and spending lots of time together. It stops me from being spontaneous with them. Just up and doing things with them. Movie nights in, ugh. I’m not sure where this insecurity comes from. I’m not sure what my hesitation is in getting close to someone. Do I feel like I need to keep men at a distance in order for me to remain interested? I love having my own place to go to away from them. I need to feel separate from them. The less they know, the less they’ve seen, the easier it is for me to remain separate.

I’m at odds with myself because I feel as though I’m want more, that I’m ready for someone. Once I get someone and it reachs that "serious" point, I push them away. Am I always going to push people away or is it just not the right person? It isn’t crazy to assume that at 27 after a long-term, committed relationship (or two dare I say), that I now know what I want and more importantly, what I don’t want and I simply recognize it? Therefore I know right away when it's not there and feel the need to move on?

I’m afraid to put myself out there because I feel like I want something until I get it and I then I have to duck out. I don’t want to make a habit of showing every guy I date how fucked up I am. Then comes the question of whether not I am in fact fucked up or if they’re just the wrong guys? Will I not be fucked up when the right guy comes along? I’d like to think that’s the case.

(Shortly after writing this entry I found an incredible article that I think, illustrates my issue. Possibly, like a guy who chases after a woman with the intention to get her in bed and then once he is successful he loses interest, I as a woman chase after a man with the intention of wanting them to commit and once they do I lose interest. Apparently it is common but easily goes under the radar.) Here's a link to the article. Fab.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Bad-Girls:-Lets-Be-Honest-Ladies,-Arent-You-Only-Into-Him-Because-Hes-Not-Into-You?&id=87022

In other news, I am back and forth over the idea of whether I should say something to Jimmy or not. Should I ignore his phone calls or tell him exactly how I feel? I feel like no matter what I say it won’t come across how I want it and the truth is, I’m not exactly sure what it is that I want from him. Makes it kind of hard to tell him exactly how I feel when I’m not totally sure. Well, I guess that’s not entirely true but the truth just sounds kind of shallow, ego-like.

The truth is I’m upset that he doesn’t want me even though I’m not sure I want him. Regardless, I want him to want me. I want him to be calling me. I want him to want to see me and spend time with me, especially after I just had sex with him. I want him to want to be with me. If I say this in some way it just sounds like I want to be with him. Like I want a relationship or some sort of commitment from him and I’m pretty sure I don’t want that. Yea, I think it’s my ego that wants to be stroked.

Pickle jar

July 16, 2008

I always manage to get myself into pickles. Pickles of all shapes and sizes. I basically live in a pickle jar. One might say I do this to myself or that I like it, thrive on it, whatever. I don't really know. I also don't really mind so maybe that translates to my liking it. I just don't like life to be boring. Is that so crazy? I think not.

The current pickle has me pulled in a number of directions. The Ex has recently proposed marriage. That's right, marriage. The big "I do." Ring an' all. Now, after two years, he is officially trying to get back with me, and hardcore this time. He tried a few months back and its debatable that he's tried even before that. Of course his timing is impeccable because I've finally become comfortable with him in my life as a friend and nothing more. But then there's that love...is it still there or has too much time gone by? I don't know. I'm ignoring that one. He deserves to be on the back burner. I've got issues with today's men. Oh, and another one from yesterday.

Ex number two will be arrested this week. John. Violating that peace order the fucker. I was nice as can be during the past month while he violated the order over and over with emails, letters, and hundreds of text messages. How could I get someone arrested who was crying about how depressed they were and how they wanted me back? It just seemed cruel. Until he went completely delusional on me and in his head manifested the story that I lied in court and deserve no peace order, he has appealed it, and I’ll be seeing him in court. Oh hell no. There is nothing I hate more than domestic violence court. Having only experienced it once, was more than enough in my lifetime. I could feel the white trash seeping into my pores. I'm not trying to pick any of that up. It's just not in my DNA. So here we are again, except this time he's caught himself a criminal charge. I feel badly, I do. But I know he's done this to himself. All he had to do was forget my number for six months. He couldn't do it. I need him to leave me alone. My foot is officially down.

Then there's the face off between the other two blond-haired, blue-eyed boys in my life, (seriously, what’s up with all these guys being blond-haired and blue-eyed?) Ken, 35. Jimmy, 22. Whaaat? Yeah, couldn't be more opposite. I'm seriously crushing on the 22-year-old. The 35-year-old is seriously crushing on me. Isn't that always how it goes down? Ken is probably the smartest option for me and I was definitely all about him at first. And he's freaking hot! I mean the guy has a great body and he's gorgeous. He wants to take me here, take me there, and spend all this time with me. He tells me all the things a girl wants to hear. And the boy knows his way around the hoo-ha if you know what I mean. There's nothing I love more than a guy who knows what's going on down there. Priceless. Mr. Ken has got it down pat. I mean, he should teach that shit he does down there. All of woman kind would benefit from the knowledge being spread. Problem? He wants me to be his freaking girlfriend. Brakes. That's about the point that yours truly starts to shut down, back up, and look for the exit. There is nothing worse than having the lets-just-be-together talk too soon. And he did it. Shot a torpedo right through our fabulous courtship. Immediate halt. Now the "baby" talk and "my girl" stuff is being thrown around in his attempt to throw out there that "I'm still his." Ugh, hate it.

Jimmy, oy vey. Hot boy. Everything about him says bad and oh so damn good. He couldn't be more wrong for me if he tried thus the basis of his appeal. Mmm, he's scrumptious. He's not good in bed. No, in that arena he's your typical 22-year-old guy. It's a shame. I feel like I could teach him if he were willing. Its a challenge, and once I'm presented with a challenge I rarely lose interest. Of course meeting him while I was still with John and hanging out with him during the gray period of our break up, didn't exactly give us the best jumping off point; nah, not at all. We started seeing each other immediately after John and I broke up. It was adorable. He was so excited that we were "talking." Presh. Then he got insanely jealous, but came right out with it. He doesn't try to hide it or cover it up with other issues (like Ken). It is what it is and he's vocal about it. Surprisingly mature (unlike the 35-year-old). But, it led to our demise. I play games. I'm used to guys falling head over heels right away and wanting me for them. Jimmy fell right in line with that. The only thing he didn't fall in line with is hanging around as I messed around in cutting the other guys off. He bounced! Totally peaced out on me. He couldn’t' do it, didn't want to deal with it, so he bailed and rightfully so.

During the weekend that Jimmy was expecting me to "get my priorities in order" and "figure out what I wanted" I met Ken. Meeting Ken during THIS gray period distracted me for a bit, all the while confirming Jimmy's decision that I was nothing but a lying little player. I wanted Jimmy to be nothing anyway so I was happy for the distraction of Ken. I felt like he was what I "should" be interested in. Yet slowly but surely Jimmy crept back into my head. Now I can't get the fucker out and now that Ken is being so lame and disappointing, I really want Jimmy back.

So I've been working overtime to try to get back in good with him. Well, maybe not overtime but the fact that I’m working at all is out of character for me. I'm doing it though. It seems to be working too! I love every little moment that I feel like he's giving in. Like yesterday when he was working downtown and stopped at my work. Just stood outside my building and called and asked me to come down. We just hung out for about a half hour. It was adorable. I love how he starts to call me before and after his games to let me know how his teams did. I love when he calls me on the way to work and on the way home. I love it all. There are some things I'm missing still. And I'm not completely sure that he wants me for anything other than sex yet, but I have an inkling that it may be more than that. He's definitely making me pay a little. Reveling in it all just a little even. But I think he likes me the way I like him. He's definitely extremely cautious when it comes to me. There's a huge wall. I feel it almost all the time. There are brief (and I mean brief, as in mere seconds) that it comes down and he'll say a couple true things. All of that just adds to his appeal to me. I find it challenging and intriguing. If it comes too easy I lose interest. Even when HE came too easy I lost interest! But here I am, trying to set the pride aside for someone that I can't get out of my head, and I'm ashamed to say, my dreams sometimes too. Yes, its that bad. An adult crush at its absolute worst.

Point of no return

July 11, 2008

It's probably because I have issues with getting close to someone. That has to be it. I am only open to a certain point. I can pretend for a short period of time but once it comes down to it, I clam up. I flake. I'm bluffing the entire time. I don't do it intentionally. I swear. But try too hard to see me, be with; talk to me, or even talk about being with me, and the fear is instantly magnified. I've learned it's hard to come back from that point once it's been reached. Ultimately the point of no return will be reached and it's just a matter of time before it is. I like it take a while to get there, but often I'm in the minority in my relationships when it comes to that issue. Nothing good comes from the "lets slow it down" talk. Nothing. I thought girls were the ones who were supposed to want these relationship things.

That's why I love beginnings. I don't have to worry about any of that messy stuff yet. I can be as charming and fun as I want to be. I can be anything and anyone that I want for a period of time. I like getting them hooked. I enjoy it. Shit, I expect them to. If they don't, I'm offended and damn it, I take it personally. As soon as they are though, I'm turned off. The second they want/expect things like time from me I can't find the door quick enough. Talking of my lack of priorities instantly triggers my planning of an exit strategy that could somehow still keep our relationship on good terms. The beginning only lasts for so long and there's no universal length for that term. It's definitely shorter with some people, case and point, Ken. I especially hate when that happens. I love to stretch the beginning out for as long as I can so as to avoid reaching the messy, difficult part where things start to get real. Why else would I have issues with bringing/letting guys come to my place? It’s the closeness of it. Allowing them to enter my world. Was I always this way or is it because of The Ex? It's hard to tell really since before The Ex I was only 20 and didn't date in the "real world." I dated in high school before him. I lived at home before him. Things are different when you're out on your own and an adult. So, maybe this is how I'd be regardless of the fact that my heart was broken.

Either way, take me to the seriousness too soon and I'll be sure to push you away. All the while acting like I want to hold on because I'm always afraid to let go because God forbid I could be giving up something that could potentially be good once I am in fact ready for something good. What happened to dating? Courting? Hello? Can't we just date for a while and have fun without settling down and spending every weekend night possibly week night together cooking out and cuddling on the couch watching movies? So what if I want to dress up and go out with you. So what if I want you to wine and dine me for a bit.

I act like these are things that I want when they are unattainable. The second there's a chance I could get "what I want," I find things wrong with it. I find reasons why it will not, cannot, work and why I have to begin to make my exit. I'd much rather be in the midst of disaster, heartache. Let me nestle with it longer. Can I stay in the pickle a bit longer, please? I'm not ready to be happy with a guy. I'm just not. So there in begins the conversations of how they don't see me enough, they're not a priority; I need to open up, what's going on in my head, why did I change? Ugh freaking UGH. And why does it always happen so quickly for me when there are plenty of girls out there who actually want all of that behavior? Give it to the girl who wants it guys!

Of course, simultaneously, here I am shamelessly hooked on a guy who isn't the way described above at all. This could be the basis of his appeal to me but I've given up on trying to find justification for the feelings that I feel for him. They are just there and they're not going anywhere anytime soon. I'm dealing with it. I am dealing with the fact that everything makes me think of him no matter where I am, whom I'm with, or what I'm doing. He affects my mood. It's been a long time since a guy has been able to affect my mood and that guy had been my boyfriend for years. This guy hasn't been or done anything significant for me. Yet I have this amazing crush on him. I refuse to describe it as anything more than a silly crush that I just cannot seem to shake. I freaking dream about him. I hate it. I do all the things I wouldn't normally do because I can't help it. There is absolutely no reason for this behavior! No justification. I can't think of one thing about him that makes me want him so much. Why is he so appealing to me? It drives me completely insane. He's seemingly unattainable. I could've had him at one point and I fucked it up. Its reminiscent of how I felt for John when we were younger. How I just wanted to keep him still for a while. Just the thought of being able to keep him for a little while appealed to me so much but at the same time seemed so impossible. He never gives me enough. I always want more. I wish I knew all of this back when he was all about me. When he called me his girl my only response was, I'm not your girl. I wish I could take that back. I wish I knew then that I should've cut off all of the stupid, silly guys that were texting me. I wish I could've done it then and been able to try being with him. Back when he cared. When he got upset and told me that he did. Back when he would call me baby and all he wanted was for me to stay with him. He'd beg me to just spend the night with him. He'd ask me over and over if we were together just because he couldn't believe it. I wish I could have those days and nights back. I was so cocky with it. He was just another guy who fell too hard and too fast that I had to quickly shake.

Now the real question is if I did have him back this way, would I push him away again like I did with him and like i do with all of the others? Do I only think I want all of that back because I don't have it? Hmm...I wonder.

All I know is that I'm fucked up.

"Right now, in this moment, we have love. It will leave, and it will come again, and when it does I'll give up everything and take it. Just like an addict. Like dry grass in new rain. It's not something I'm proud of, necessarily. Then again, maybe I am. That's it, I guess. That's all I know."

-Katie Crouch

Sick and tired

April 8, 2008

I wish I could write about what’s going on right now except I don’t even know. Something is seriously up with him and he doesn’t want to talk to me about it. I’m starting to think that he may be incapable of having the real relationship that he says he so desperately wants. Maybe my first suspicions were correct in that he wanted all of me so badly because I wouldn’t give it to him. He didn’t give up for the past two years because I kept him chasing me and now that I’ve stopped running he realizes he doesn’t really want me. Maybe he’s where I was and has no idea what he wants. Well, I can’t do this shit all over again. I’m sick of the guy how tries and tries to convince me to be with them, then to open up, then to love them, to trust them, and to move in with them while I am incredibly cautious and skeptical. Then, after much thought I give in only to regret it by having been correct all along. I’m sick and tired of men who don’t understand what they are doing or what they want. I cannot take it anymore.

Of course I, once again in my life, am going off on nothing but assumptions because he does not want to talk to me about what is going on with him. This is great. I can sit around and just wonder to myself. Fabulous. This being the same guy who just wanted to make me happy, who just wanted to show me how much he cared about me, and boasted about how well he would be treat me, absolutely fabulous.

Me vs. Me

February 2, 2008

I feel as though I am always at odds with no one other than myself. Maybe the root of this is the relentless idea that I have no idea what I want, but regardless, I’m constantly feeling this way. The consistent argument seems to be time vs. want—pretty sure that’s just about accurate. I’m always afraid that what I (seem to) want is to be by myself. I am perfectly content when I am alone (not physically necessarily). But my fear is that at this time in my life I should be building something with someone. I should be forcing myself to be comfortable with the idea of being with someone so that I won’t be alone when I’m old(er).

Simultaneously I am infuriated with myself for thinking of my life in such minuscule terms. As a fabulous friend of mine once said to me, “There is more to (you) than all of these guys. There is so much more to you than this.”

I need to remember that and stop stressing about this somewhat insignificant portion of my life. There is so much more that I need to work on. I am 27 years old. I am 27 years old and I live in a one-bedroom apartment. It’s difficult for me to make ends meet each month. I am thankful that I can pay all of my bills by myself and that I live in this one bedroom apartment by myself. I am in some ways proud of myself, I truly am. But I feel like I should be doing more by now. I would feel better if I were in a town home by myself while struggling to make ends meet each month. I would feel better if I were making more money, (but who am I kidding, everyone says that). But lets be serious…I have $50 to hold me over for the next two weeks. That’s after paying my rent and water bill, putting enough gas in my car for one week of driving to and from work, and since I’m being honest here, then I should probably admit to a couple of unnecessary, borderline irresponsible purchases as well. Oy vey.

1. I won an amazing pair of vintage boots on eBay. Let me please note that this was not in any way some random, impulse purchase. Tall camel/tan leather boots have been on my list of “wants” (literally, there is a running list in the mini notebook I keep in my purse) since the fall season began. I have constantly been on the hunt and incessantly, to no avail. Price is usually what vetoes the purchase; as in too high. But after a random search on eBay for tall tan boots I found a perfect pair of vintage boots being auctioned off—perfect in that they encompassed all I was coveting. The auction ended that night and the price was only at $16.99. I refrained from bidding but instead opting for simply “watching.” After a couple hours the price was at about $20, give or take. So I figured, oh, what the hell I’ll make a bid. So I bid and bid until I was the winning bidder, (eBay is addicting like that isn't it? Once you make the decision to bid you keep going until you win). Once I was the winning bidder at just $25.10, I stopped and vowed to not bid again. I will go no higher. I didn’t even enter a maximum bid so I assumed for sure that in the throws of the last minutes of the auction that the ten bidders prior to me would dominate. I thought for a moment about setting up a text message alert but then refrained after finding out how complicated it all seemed. Besides, I wasn’t going to outbid anyone, what was the point. Just as I’d hoped I forgot completely about the auction. Until all of a sudden I was lying in bed about to go to sleep and I remembered. I sprung from bed for my laptop, hopped back in bed, and started it up. Low and behold, I won! For just $25.10 plus $10 in shipping. Wow, really? No one out bid me. Joy! Then sorrow. Shit, I actually have to buy them now. Okay, so $36 of unforeseen costs, done. And hey, that was an amazing deal. I took comfort in scratching a high ticket “want” from my list and spending so little while doing so.

2. I agreed to go over to the mall during lunch with a coworker because, well, I just can’t resist an opportunity to go to the mall. If you ask, I'm going. Just to browse of course, duh. Even if I’m not the one shopping I enjoy all that has to do with shopping; the only requirement being that items are being looked at, tried on, and purchased—not necessarily by me. I vowed to window shop. I’d just bought boots! But one trip to the Gap sale rack and all caution was thrown to the wind. How taunting are those sale racks? Ugh. But seriously, I picked up an incredible sweater for just $9.97. A thick, cable knit long sweater complete with pockets that had started at $68. This purchase was, in every sense of the word, a steal. Except I paid for it. But just $10. And okay, one more thing. This utterly adorable red short sleeve shirt with feminine ruffles for just $8.97. It will be perfect for the Blue Man Group show I am going to on February 15^th—red for Valentine’s Day. Plus, it’s short sleeve and lightweight so I’ll be wearing it in the spring and summer as well. Longevity—perfect.

So with a grand total of just $21, for two substantial items and $36 for the fulfillment of an incredible want, how could I feel guilty? Whelp, easily once I realized that with these incredible deals I had spent a total of about $60 and had left myself with just $50 for the next two weeks. Yep, I have $50 for gas, food (for myself and my pets) and any other needs that may pop up, i.e. I’m just about out of coffee, creamer, bread, and milk (all essentials). All because I spent $60 on things I did not “need” rather than $60 on groceries or nights out with the ladies for the next two weeks. Tiny sacrifices.

On another completely opposing note, my ex and by ex I mean The Ex—I am cognizant of the fact that considering my habit in keeping exes around, a distinction is required—shit, I’m going out with my most recent ex tonight!

Wait, I feel the need to backtrack for a second for I have just had a revelation – imagine that. Is it odd that I consider The Ex my one and only ex? I have technically had two boyfriends since the ex, yet I consider him to be my one true ex. Guess that’s a little key as to how I subconsciously feel about my past two relationships—they might as well not have existed. Hmm…can’t imagine why they didn’t end in complete and utter bliss.

Back to the ex, he wants to take me out for Valentine’s Day. He has been trying to convince me that this is a good idea for the past week and a half. I consistently have outwardly disagreed. Until today when after hundreds (okay at least 10) rebuffs, I am sitting here considering it—guess that’s pretty typical in it self. As much as I realize this tidbit about myself, I’d be willing to bet that he recognizes it as well—hence the persistence on his part. Oy, all I can say is oy vey…oh, and also that I will most certainly not be sharing this recent development with anyone. No one. Not him, not a friend not a family member. No one. And also, I’ll be hoping that it disappears entirely before I ever need to vocalize it.

Rehab

by: Rihanna

“Baby, baby when we first met I never felt something so strong. You were like my lover and my best friend all wrapped into one with a ribbon on it. And all of a sudden you went and left; I didn’t know how to follow. It’s like a shock that spun me around and now my heart’s dead. I feel so empty and hollow.

And I’ll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you. Don’t’ even recognize the way you hurt me, do you? It’s gonna take a miracle to bring me back and you’re the one to blame. And now I feel like, oh…

You’re the reason why I’m thinking I don’t want to smoke on these cigarettes no more. I guess that’s what I get for wishful thinking. I should’ve never let you enter my door. Next time you wanna go on leave, I should just let you go on and do it. Cause now I’m using like I bleed. Its like I checked into rehab and baby you’re my disease. I gotta check into rehab cause baby you’re my disease.

Damn, and it crazy when you’re love sick? You’d do anything for the one you love. ‘Cause anytime that you needed me I’d be there. It’s like you were my favorite drug. The only problem is that you were using me in a different way that I was using you. Now that I know its not meant to be you gotta go I gotta wean myself off of you.

And I’ll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you. Don’t even recognize the ways you’ve hurt me, do you? Its gonna take a miracle to bring me back and you’re the one to blame. Cause now I feel like oh, you’re the reason why I’m thinking I don’t wanna smoke on these cigarettes not more. I guess that’s what I get for wishful thinking. I should’ve never let you into my door. Next time you wanna go on and leave I should just let you go on and do it. Cause now I’m using like I bleed. Its like I checked into rehab and baby you’re my disease. I gotta check into rehab cause baby you’re my disease.”