Total distress

July 31, 2008

I’m just going to let it happen. Clearly I’m not finished. He probably isn’t too right? I had sex with Jimmy last night. I hope he’s not just using me for sex out of sheer convenience. I hope I’m not being naïve by feeling as though he genuinely likes me. Am I just being foolish and ignoring the signs because I like him so much? Maybe. I can’t help but be hooked on him. I fell for him and I can’t get back up. I’m single so I’m technically not hurting anyone. Unless you count the fact that I’m still talking to Ken (technically), and haven’t’ updated him on Jimmy and my status. Nor have I updated Jimmy on Ken and my status. At two separate points I thought I was done with both of them. Since then, I've hooked up with Ken (last Saturday) and have sorta been talking to him again. And at one point Jimmy and I got into a fight and he said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore and at that point I told Ken. Since then (the very next day), Jimmy took it all back and called me and we’ve been talking again…and hooked up last night. So basically, I’m back to talking to both of them…and hooking up with both of them? Ugh. I don’t want to be doing that. I’d like to look at it like before Jimmy and I hooked up, I hooked up with Ken. It happened, but before Ken I had hooked up with Jimmy, and before that The Ex, John, etc. Not like I’m doing it simultaneously. Obviously I am more concerned about making things work with Jimmy (for some reason), and now that we’ve had sex I plan on keeping away from Ken physically. I will talk to him. Shit, he drunk dialed/texted me four times last night. It sucks because it seems Ken feels for me what I feel for Jimmy.

I just can’t read Jimmy. He made a good point yesterday when he said that when you try to be with girls, they’re not interested. They don’t like it. As soon as you stop trying, they want to be with you. That’s exactly what happened with the two of us. I can’t deny that to him. So I agreed, yes, it’s true. We do. But. If I weren’t interested than this whole thing would’ve just went away. Now I feel like if you did try again or come at me like that, I would want it. I’d want you too. He is stubborn and stuck on not trying anymore. At least that is what he says. I can’t tell where his mind is, what he’s thinking about me and what he’s thinking about us. Part of me feels like he is just afraid, scared and/or too stubborn to give it a shot. The other part thinks I’m looking way too much into it and the truth is just that he was into me, then we had sex, and he wasn’t anymore. And now, since I live near him and obviously still like him, why not play games, fuck around, and have sex with me? I hope that’s not it but I might just be ignoring that because I don’t want to believe it. I definitely don’t want to believe it, that’s for sure. But is it right in front of my face and I just can’t see it because I don’t want to? I’ll never really, truly know. All I can do is decide what I want and not worry so much about his intentions unless I have solid proof that he is using me or he disrespects me and starts to treat me poorly. I will not and cannot be blind to that. Until then, I am single and I am incredibly attracted to this guy. I like him.

I just hate how I sell my short with him. I deserve more than he gives me. I really do. I know that. I let him get away with not treating me up to par because I like him, but why? Why do I let this 23-year-old boy get away with the bare minimum? I don’t like that I do that yet at the same time I can’t stop allowing it to happen. I think I need to stop that, at least. I need to stop making it so easy for him. I need to make him work for it a little bit more at least. I am a 27-year-old attractive woman who many guys would be ecstatic to have a chance to be with. Who go to great lengths to be with me. I can’t just let a kid have it for free. Shit, I’ve had a marriage proposal and another guy ask me to move in with him just this month!

Okay, so new plan. Yes, I had sex with him last night. But, from this point forward he needs to make an effort and come to me. I will not be calling him. He will be calling me. I will not tell him of any other guys because although that makes him jealous and keeps him on his toes, that also pisses him off and makes him act our or, “get even.” I don’t need anymore set backs. I’m just going to be going about my life and keep telling him what I have been…that I’m done with guys! Let’s see if I can actually do it this time.

God, why have I had this ridiculous kindergarten crush for three months now?

I can’t shake it, damn it, I can’t. Over and over I feel like I’ve reached the point where I am done, finished. Then days go by and the old feelings resurface and I see that I’m not at all done. I won’t be done until the feelings stop resurfacing. My mind is ready to be done, but something else is not. I refuse to say my heart, ugh. The good news is that I’m pretty sure each time the feelings come back they are less strong. If we keep going at this rate, hopefully the time will come that the feelings do not come back is sooner rather than later. Little by little they are widdled away. Of course the second they are gone will the same second that he’ll decide to start trying the way I’ve wanted him to all along. Of course by then it will be too late, as always, and I’ll have to fight it. Or worse, I won’t even care.