A**hole factor

A conclusion has been made, and only after two hours of conversation with my closest friend, (aka my soul twin). Together we pushed, pulled, and trudged through our twisted psyches and a verdict was reached alas. Considering I've been dating for fifteen plus years, two hours ain't half bad. It is not uncommon that as her and I talk things out, one or both of us experience some sort of revelation. In fact, rarely does this fail to occur. Last night definite headway was made. It's like free therapy. Seriously.

The precursor to the convo was a toxic ex trying to claw his way back into my friend's life, (for the fourth time), and her illogical contemplation of it. Also, my simultaneous developing revelations that begged to be shared with a kindred spirit.

It hit me one day while driving, (as thoughts usually do), that I have never been in a relationship with a guy who treated me well. I've dated guys who have treated me well for periods of time, sure. Done nice things for me, yes. But I never kept these guys around for long. I jokingly refer to it as my three month itch. No matter how much I may be into someone in the beginning, how I feel after three months is the ultimate test. The make or break. The ones that make it, the ones I really get involved with, have been the ones who ultimately treated me badly. So I got to thinking about why this is. Why have I never been with someone who was good to me? Consistently good to me. Well, it hasn't happened by chance.

I realized that I've never allowed myself to be in a relationship where a man treated me well. I have let these men treat me poorly; welcomed it and went back countless times for more. Assholes don't just find me, I find them. Everyone meets them. The assholes. Most people discard them. Me? Well, I welcome them, allow them to pull up a chair, make themselves at home, and stay for a bit. In some cases, years. This may not be a conscious choice, but it is still a choice that I myself make. I'm not unlucky while the other girls are lucky to meet the guys that treat them well. I meet the nice guys too I just send them packing for some reason. Usually the reason is that something is missing, there's no connection, or there's not enough physical attraction. What's actually missing? The asshole factor.

I know what you're thinking, we're those girls who like assholes. It's not that cut and dry and it's not something we enjoy. It is so much more then that. Let me attempt to explain.

I'm sure you've heard the saying, "True love is the soul's recognition of it's counterpart in another" (I'm not talking love in all cases but you get the idea). Well that's just what we're dealing with. We recognize in them something that is also in us. We're assholes. Oh yes, we ourselves are proud owners of the asshole factor. We fuck up. A lot. We hurt people, we do things wrong. Some people are straight and narrow, we are not. Some people make normal mistakes, we make epic ones. We have a past speckled with indiscretions and the threat of more in the future, (though I think I'm growing out of it). I refer back to the quote I entered in a post just days ago, and am surprised I didn't realize it then:

"I pair up with these male versions of myself so that I don't have to acknowledge my own fear of making a serious commitment."

So while we're with these guys who wear their asshole status on their sleeves, we feel safe. Yes, it's twisted I agree. The one thing we can count on is that they will mess up. They will hurt us. Then, when we do the same, we won't feel as badly. But the nice guy? The good guy who treats us well? Oh God if we were to hurt him, we couldn't live with ourselves. We don't want to hurt them. We're still assholes and they deserve nice girls.

Armed with this recognition of myself and my part in this matter, I feel so much better. Admitting is the first step, right? Knowing is half the battle, is it not? I realize that the reason guys treat me badly is directly related to my choices (poor as they may be). I have control. I have the power to change this. I may have been saying I want a nice guy, but I don't. Even though I say I'm sick of guys, and wonder why I can't just find a guy like "this" or a guy like "that," I'm making my bed. Voluntarily, though not incredibly consciously (until now). It is valid, I'm sick of guys but what I'm sick of is guys with the asshole factor. I need to check myself.

I had mentioned that I'm raising my standards, and I am. All of these factors are in conjunction with one another and all of them will work together to help me grow out of this stage of my life with guys and be happy, with someone. Because until the asshole factor within myself dies, I won't be ready to take on the nice guy. Here's hoping it jumps off a cliff some time soon.

Falling in love.

Have I got your attention? I thought so.

Well, I'm a dirty little trickster.

Lately, I've noticed that I'm happy with my small, quiet, singular life. My routine, my dog, grocery shopping, decorating, reading. Making lists, setting goals, planning. All very boring I know. I go out, don't get me wrong but I gotta admit, I don't have nearly as much fun as I used to out in the bar scene. I guess that's expected.

But regardless, I've been finding fun in the un-fun. I've been attempting to make plans for myself. I've noticed lately that I feel happy doing the mundane but could not figure out why. I mean come on, these things are not exciting. Then, it hit me. I'm falling in love. I'm falling in love with myself; with who I am, who I’m trying to be and the life I'm creating for myself. I've got big plans for myself.

At the same time, I'm ready to share my life with someone. I'm ready for someone to join my routine. I want to come home to someone, cook for someone and have someone cook for me once in a while. I want to run and bike on the trail I've discovered with someone. I want to share all of what makes me happy by myself, with someone. In the past I wanted to be with someone as a distraction. A void needing to be filled. I think that's why they always turned into feeling like an obligation rather than something I enjoyed. I finally feel like I am content with my life, by my boring self, and I want someone to join my plan. And shit, help it out a bit. I don't want to do it alone forever. But even if they don't, I'm happy going at it alone.

All of this takes a lot for me to admit and put down in black and white. I've always wanted to be strong and act as if I am perfectly fine alone, always, in case that is what's in store for me.

Since The Ex, which I realized today is going on 4 years now (I realized I've been saying 2 years for the past 2 years), I've been broken. I've really tried to belittle the heartbreak he caused. How he broke more than just my heart but my spirit. I still think of him daily. I don't know if I'll ever have again what I had with him or if I'll ever love that way again, but I know that I want to. I want it. I want it all over again with someone who won't hurt me. I hope it's out there for me.

I'm no longer afraid of sounding pathetic and hopeless by saying these things. I no longer feel the need to have an attitude that says, I don't need a man. Because the truth is, I don't need a man. I'm happy without one. I'm already in love. But I'd like one.

randomness...let it happen...

This morning while driving into work, I was thinking. I do a lot of my thinking while in the car. For some reason I thought to myself, if I found out I was going to die in a week I would not be happy with my current life. Then I got to thinking why? What is it about my life that I am unhappy with? The only person that can change it would be me.

I am still thinking about this (well, plan to revisit it because right now I'm at work), but I did come to the conclusion that I feel as if I'm in a constant state of waiting. Waiting for things to happen. I'm almost in a place where I'll be happy. I'm on hold. For some reason I feel like I can only be happy with time. I can only get the thing I want that will make me happy, with time. And all of this is just temporary. All of this day-to-day passing the time is simply a temporary state.

One day I'll buy a house. One day I'll travel to Italy. All of these things take time. They take money. Money, takes time. Simultaneously the world keeps moving. People get married, have babies, buy houses, get diagnosed with life-threatening diseases. And here I am. On hold. Waiting. Not cool.

Ready, Set, WAIT!

I'm ready to buy a house. Mentally that is. Financially? Jury's still out on that one. But, first things first. Mentally, I'm ready to be a home-owner. I've been doing some research on the web and checking out prices. I'm sorta getting excited about it, but also getting totally afraid of things like: my credit score, finances, all of the steps, the commitment, can I even do it on my own?! Well, I want to. This is a big, first step for me. Let's see if I can make it happen.

I'm ready to date again. Of course since I'm ready I find no one worth dating.

The "new boy" that I mentioned in the past; let's just call him Insurance boy because he works for an Insurance company (why did I capitalize that)? Anyway, Insurance boy is trying to make a lame-ass come back. That's the thing about texting, makes it so easy for boys to produce lameness.

The cable guy that has been trying to date me since I broke up with The Ex (yes, that's 2-1/2 years for those keeping track), is still yes, trying to date me. Persistence award for him. (Recap: he's called the cable guy because he works for Comcast and hooked me up with free cable when I first moved out and was dirt poor. I now have a nicer place, digital cable that I pay for, and even a flat screen TV. WOO)! But yeah, trying to date even though he says he's not trying to date me, "it's just dinner." Bull.

My mail man is trying to date me. Now, my mail man is a guy I knew from middle school. Small effing world. I discovered he was my mail man a few months ago when he left one of those USPS slips that let you know you have a package at the post office in my mailbox with a cryptic note saying hi and who he was. Now let me just say, he did not include on that wee little note that he was my mailman so it creeped me out. It wasn't until he found me on facebook and told me that I felt slightly relieved. Since then, he's been trying to date me. I'm sorry, but just because I kissed you on a park bench when I was 12, doesn't mean I'm going to have lunch with you at the ripe age of 28. Over the holiday he went as far as holding my packages hostage so he could come by and drop them off himself. Ugh. I couldn't get out of that one, and had to let him stop by. Blah.

But no new boys and that's what I want.

I'm ready for more money, but don't foresee it coming from my current gig. I'm spending the weekends job hunting and tightening up my resume.

Guess I've got big plans for 2009. Who knew?!

In other, completely unrelated news, I'm going to a happy hour with a couple ladies after work tonight. So excited that it's Friday! Tomorrow the brother is coming into town and we're gonna meet some people and watch some playoff football. I got nada on Sunday and that's just how I like it. I do, in fact, have Housebunny on DVD (go ahead, judge). The weekend seems to be shaping up nicely. I'll be in touch!

Disappointment

Why does it seem that everyone in my life, outside of my family members, manage to disappoint me at some point? I don't mean small disappointments like, bailing on a night out on the town, I mean, the realization that a friend is not the friend I once thought they were. I'm not swearing perfection here, exactly the opposite in fact. I'm terribly worried that it's me--me being the common denominator in this plaguing fact and all.

I've always gotten along better with guys as friends than with girls. Guys are so uncomplicated. You really do not have to worry about them judging you or talking behind your back. They're blunt. Everything is just out there. I operate that same exact way. I put it out there. I can't conceal a feeling if I tried. It hurts to try. I'm painfully honest with my friends. Sometimes I think they can't handle it.

My girlfriend relationships have always been a roller coaster. I have one solid friend that I've been friends with forever, but I swear the only reason why is because she's engaged and we live separate lives. The friends I spend time with day to day seem to change. It's as if I can only handle being "best" friends with one person at a time, but that friendship doesn't sustain. We drift and I don't know why. What is it I'm doing wrong?

Most recently, the latest drift has been plaguing me more than any other of the past. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and friendships aren't as easy to find. Not like you can chat up someone in the hallway or during a class. Those days are most certainly over (and they ain't making a comeback either). Yes, this may be true but mostly it's because I thought I had finally found a friendship I'd always wanted. Something rare. But it somehow slipped between my fingers. We're still friends, but it's not the same. We're more like acquaintances. We used to talk everyday, knew everything going on in one another0s' lives, and now I feel like a stranger. I'm not sure why the change happened. She doesn't seem to care. Which makes me think it must be me.

The worst part it is, I've felt this way in general for quite a while--this blaming of myself for dwindling friendships. I had never told anyone. Ever. Frankly, it's embarrassing. But, I told her. I told her how I feared it was me. I confided in her this embarrassing fact because I thought she'd always be there. I knew she'd be honest with me. She told me there was no way it was me.

I've tried to talk to her about this feeling quite a bit in the past 6 months but I've gotten no straight answer to speak of, and still nothing has changed. First, she came to me and said it was a birth control she was on that she found had side effects that put her in a nasty slump. She apologized. She blamed herself entirely. She said all of her relationships had suffered. She got off the birth control. That was in June. Since then she has always said she's so busy with work and freelance work. So busy. No time for friends. None. (All of this without my asking anything. I've given up making attempts). But I see she makes time for other friends somehow. I see it in hte updates on her facebook for Christ's sake. Honestly, I feel like she's been trying to break up with me but just keeps beating around the bush. It's hurtful. I wish I knew why.

Sometimes I think I'm too trusting of people. Too open. It makes me want to hole up and not trust anyone because inevitably, they'll let me down. I'm going to try to fight this feeling because I know it leads no where good. I'm going to try to just be carefree and act as if I'm not bothered. But it's hard work to suppress feelings of hurt.

Self-inflicted torture

I tell everyone, including him, that we're friends simply because it's easier. I am not blind to the fact that we get along great as friends yet horribly as lovers. Even when he compliments me and compliments "us" I shake it off and say, "We are great as friends, I like it better this way." Even when he says he thinks we'd be great together. To him, I disagree. I disagree because I know he doesn't fully mean it. I know he can't give me what I'd want from him and I'd simply wind up let down. I'm sparing him, myself, and us that disappointment.

Today when he asked me to answer him honestly I lied. I lied when he asked, "Does any part of you still have a small crush on me?" I said no. When I asked him the same question, he said he did. I don't believe him. So I said what I always do, "we're great as friends."

Since he's dropped me off I've thought of him. I've checked my phone once or twice. I've debated calling him and telling him I lied. But then I stop myself because I know it will get me no where. I'd simply be putting my neck out there and in the past, doing that hasn't served me well with him. We're better this way. It's the only way we can continue to get along, or rather, the only way I can continue to get along with him.

On New Year's Eve he came over while I was getting ready for my party. He came over to give me a New Year's kiss since we wouldn't be together when midnight struck. We kissed. We hadn't kissed in months. We vowed not to kiss anyone else that night. When I came back home, slightly tipsy, I called him and went to his place. I cuddled into bed with him still in my cocktail dress. He held me. He didn't try to do anything other than keep me warm. He didn't try even though we'd slept together before. He didn't try even though I'm sure he knew he probably could. He even said, "I was going to try to have sex with you when you came over, but I'm gonna be the nice guy, and not." I'm glad he didn't. On New Year's Day when he came over (fainting an excuse to need to use my computer even though today he told me he had bought a new one and didn't need mine), he said he was trying to show me that he could be a good guy. I'm skeptical still. There had to have been another reason.

I'm glad he didn't try thought, because I wouldn't have been able to say no yet I would have been able to feel crappy about it. I'd feel crappy about it because it's not just sex with him. I care about him. Ah, the cliche of it all.

I do, truly, enjoy the friendship we have now. We have fun together, act silly together, and really talk to one another. Our relationship has grown considerably. Slowly, but surely, it has become more real.

What I'm wondering is if in fact this crush I have on him will ever go away? It's been going strong for 8 months now. Some of those months we were together, but most we were not. And even during the months we were together, our "together" wasn't much to speak of. It is right for me to deny my feelings, right? I'm sure it is. He's one of those guys that only seems to be interested when he is experiencing denial. The second I give in his interest will lack and the only reason he's popping these questions about me and us is because he's not getting anything from me. I'm sure of it. I think.Am I only experiencing these feelings because there is no one else of interest to speak of? Would another guy cause him to disappear from my mind?

Now if I could just will this crush to go away, I'd be golden.

Hiatus:

Ended.

Almost 3 months ago to the day I instituted a dating hiatus. If I'm being totally honest, (which I always am here if no where else), I thought it would be harder to keep than it was. Regardless, dating hiatus is coming to a close. This occurs simultaneously with my attempt to come out of hibernation....hmm, may be interesting.

I'm in no way on the prowl. I'm simply open to dating whereas I was closed before. And, whelp, I actually have a drink date tomorrow night. Just drinks. Ease myself back into the pool. The eager dater has already asked for a dinner date for Friday night, but whoa, let's see how drinks go first, buddy. (I actually said that in a joking manner. Totally serious though). Luckily my friends birthday is today so I told him I wasn't sure if she'd want to do something over the weekend since her birthday is during the week. That will be my out if tomorrow's drinks are a bust.

I'll be sure to report here. Who knows, I may be the groundhog again. One date and I'm back in the hole! We'll see :)

Ex-factor

The problem with hanging out with an ex, no matter how long it's been since the end, and no matter how much you've convinced yourself that you're over it all and you're now a new shiny person who is capable of a friendship, the problem is, you're wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

If you loved the person at any point in time then that love does not disappear. The relationship ended, and it ended for a reason. Probably a good one. At some point those reasons, no matter how far you've pushed them out of your mind, will resurface. Those unanswered questions will come back up. The questions you'll never truly have an answer for, except you do. You admitted them to yourself long ago, but the presence, well the presence has you being naive again. That closure you created for yourself because he just wasn't worth the time. It'll open up again. Frayed ends. You'll find yourself going through the same old motions. You'll feel that pang of hurt. It'll flood back in as though you never spent all those years building a wall. Fresh cuts as if they were carved the day before. Ouch.

Always, with that person, it will be there. No matter how much you want to prove to them that you've changed. Two years later you're different now. With them, you're not. You'll morph into that sad person. They'll get the best of you. Again. Over and over. You'll never escape it until you escape them.

Relapse

So it seems I need to be a little more clear with myself. Okay, more like harsh.

Dating hiatus does not in any way mean that you should continue to have sex with a guy who has clearly shown he is lazy and has no interest in putting the effort into you that you so deserve.

I relapsed Sunday night and slept with Jimmy. It will be the final time. I'm sure of it because of how I felt afterward. Awful. Definite post depression sunk in immediately. I was so angry with myself. So much so, that I had to leave shortly after the act. I did a fabulous job of ignoring him all weekend which of course made him come on stronger. He's so predictable. Then I ended all of that hard work with giving up in the most extreme way. No more.

I actually left and called The Ex. I needed to talk to someone. At 1am he listened to me babble about what I did, what's wrong with me, why, why, why?? I was a wreck. He just listened and told me to just stop. I'm too good for it, and I know it. He said I am too hard on myself. Sometimes I am so incredibly thankful for him. I think he has grown to be a real friend to me. In some ways.

The next day, I felt even more foolish but immediately began the process of blocking the previous nights' events out of my mind completely. I am ending this nonsense. I know I've said this time and time again.

In other news, Ken has resurfaced and his new angle is that he'd like to be friends. I guess technically he never went away in order to resurface. I have heard from him at least once a week whether it's a text or a phone call. Regardless, this new proposal is coming from the same guy who hated the fact that I had so many guy friends, (I get along great with guys, it's just easy and I have fun with them. Period). He was always adamant about the fact that he did not have friends as girls. If he was hanging out with a girl it was because he was interested in her for other reasons. And last but not least, all my guy friends "just want to fuck" me. Ironic that he now would like to be my friend.

I of course mentioned his "theory." His response is that I could be his first friend as a girl. He just misses me and maybe it will be a disaster, but it could be a good thing too. He threw in how it has taken him a long time to get over me, that he wishes I hadn't closed up on him, i.e. all things that sound like he might not actually be over me. Hmm. Well, I am always up for remaining friends with people. I can do it. My experience is that guys usually can't. I'm skeptical because I think this may just be an angle. But, I rarely turn things down without giving it a shot, so I will. I am in full control of what does and does not happen. I'll keep ya posted on the progress of that one.

Be free to be afraid

I am happy to report that I had a successful first date last night. I met the guy a couple Saturday's ago at a hot spot downtown. We talked a bit, we know some of the same people, he lives and works in DC (not too far), but is in town often to visit friends.

He was in town yesterday, his birthday, to have dinner with his family. He asked if I'd like to meet for a drink after. I rarely go out on a school night, but I work in the city, coincidentally, in the building next door to where he and his fam were having dinner. So I figured why the hell not. Not to mention, I've gotta loosen up a bit. If I want change then I have to change the way I act and react. So I said yes. We decided we'd work out the details yesterday afternoon.

So on schedule I got a text from him saying he expected to be finished with dinner around 9:30ish, would that be okay? Then immediately, my cell phone died. Fab.

That's a wee bit late for me to make the trip back into the city (I love about 20 minutes north). I wasn't too keen on driving home from the city then back down hours later, only to make the trip again in the morning. I made up my mind while still at work that we'd reschedule but I'd have to wait until I got home to do so. My co-worker informed me that I'd have to call because otherwise it just sounded like an excuse. "Sorry it took a while for me to respond, my phone died right when I got your text, and oh, by the way, tonight's not going to work after all. Too late for me." Well I wasn't ready for voice-on-voice. I'm such a scaredy cat. Plus, he was having dinner with his fam....so not trying to interrupt that. So although I told her, of course I'll call, I texted. A whole hour later canceling, but I'd like to do it another time. He wrote write back.

He said he understood, thought I lived closer and well, didn't mind coming coming to get me (an extra 20 minutes north out of his way for heading home), and grabbing a drink close by. Wow, impressive.

I thought on the idea for a minute. I was all set to cancel and do nothing. Once I get in that state of mind it's hard to get out. Another one of my stupid qualities I need to change. But then, the fear crept him. Having him come to my place? Ugh, I'm such a wierdo when it comes to that stuff. I get all uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing for a bit. I grabbed the leash and took the dog for a walk.

I wracked my brain. If I say no it would require me to come up with a lame excuse, i.e. lie. I'd be mad at myself later for still effing with the immature, selfish guys in my life with no one to blame but myself for the lack of new. I'd do nothing but read and watch bad TV if I stayed in. Why do I put myself through so much mental turmoil over such trivial things? Woudn't normal people just say, okay, sounds good! I'm a mess.

So when I got back to my apartment I texted him saying that sounded good (in my most normal text voice). I was not normal on the inside.

He called me from the restaurant just before dessert and we had a good little convo. Laughing is always good. It was presh. I texted him my address and just 20 minutes later he let me know he was on his way. So far he was doing it all right.

He arrived and we headed to a local martini bar. We stayed for a few hours and talked a lot. It was good, it was nice. We'll see how it goes.

I'm just proud of myself for getting over the hump. What seemed like nothing, was big for me. The past two years has certainly been a process. I've barely put myself out there and somehow have expected change.

I've chosen guys that were not good enough for me because they were safe. I could leave them when the reality of their inadequacy became something I couldn't ignore any longer. They never left me because I was the best they could do. What's there to be afraid of if I know I'm superior and in control? Well, I can't be happy that way either. It's time to be scared.

Off track

In the beginning of the month I mentioned the drawing of a line. I mentioned being fed up with the guys that were in my life. I was ready for something real, I was letting them know, and then I was letting them go. Movin' on and movin' up.

Yet here I am once again perplexed and somewhat annoyed with these two guys.

Jimmy is obviously still around because he said he wanted a chance at something real. I always give a second chance. Especially when I'm the one who caused the damage that ended the first chance anyway. And I really like him and that's reason enough. But let me be real with myself, I've had my doubts about that boy since day one. I've doubted his sincerity and his intentions.

Ken? No excuses. He should have long since been shipped off to the land of the lost boys because I'm just not that into him.

Chalk it up to the fact that I'm frustrated with Jimmy and I, but when Ken called yesterday to see how I had been and asked if I'd meet him for a drink, I said yes. We agreed to meet at 8pm at a place between us both. Oh, why the hell not. Well, apparently, good reason.

He had wanted to meet at 8:30, I felt that was late so he suggested 7:30. He called me as he was leaving the gym around 5:30, I was leaving work. He said he'd try not to be late. I got a hunch that he had things to do. I told him we could do it another time if he couldn't make it that early, I just didn't want to make it a late night. He insisted that he wanted to see me that night so he'd make it work.

He texted me every hour after that to "see how I was making out." Is this some kinda progress report? I joked, since he's a teacher. But seriously, how are we on time? How are you making out? At 6pm, then 7pm, I mean, come on bud. Anxious much?

Sure enough The Ex's radar went off and he called while I was getting ready. I told him what I was doing. He didn't like it, I could tell. He told me to be careful and not to do anything stupid. As if I was in some sort of danger.

I hadn't heard from Jimmy all day so I called him en route in an attempt to avoid receiving a phone call while I was with Ken that I would have to ignore. He didn't answer. Oy vey.

I then shot a text over to Ken to let him know I was on my way. Basically, I hate waiting, plan accordingly. I got to our meeting place at about ten minutes to eight, and called Ken. No answer. I waited. At five after eight I got a text, "On my way." Are you kidding me? He lives at least 20 minutes away. WTF. I'm not even that into this guy, could care less that I hadn't talked to him in a week, and now here I am sitting in a parking lot waiting for his ass. I could've been home curled up in bed with the boys finishing my book that's getting seriously good. I texted him back, "Jeez, guess you really meant 8:30, huh." At 8:20 he called.

Ken: You're gonna kill me
Me: Oh god, why.
Ken: I was fighting with my brother so I left late, then I ran outta gas and had to push my car to the gas station. I think I left my wallet at the gym, (this guy is the most forgetful person I've ever met, seriously. He does this shit all the time). I put $4 in my tank.
Me: Where are you now?
Ken: 695 (which I knew meant he just got on the road to meet me).

I immediately started my car and started backing out of the parking spot. Eff this.

Me: Well, let's just do this another time. All signs are pointing to the fact that that's the best idea. (I barely am interested. You forgot your wallet, i.e. you have no money. I'm not picking up the tab, bub).
Ken: But you're already there. I'm on my way. I really want to see you.
Me: We can do it another time. (Psh, maybe).
Ken: I'm so sorry. I'm so mad at myself. You're mad aren't you? I'd be mad. Ugh, grr, blah.
Me: It's cool, another time.
Ken: Well come to my place!
Me: Nah, not tonight.
Ken: Why not?
Me: Because I'm already on my way home.
Ken: I could come to yours!
Me: Nah, another time. Meeting for a drink to catch up would've been okay but I'm not trying to hang out late or anything. Maybe another time. (Stress maybe).

He tried to linger on the phone. I wasn't up for small talk. I told him I had to go, and I drove home. Pissed.

The reality hit me that Jimmy hadn't even called me back. I felt so alone. I wanted to cry but couldn't. I wanted to drive around and listen to sappy music and smoke cigarettes but I had no cigarettes and didn't want to waste my gas. So I just drove home. Pissed. Mostly at myself.

I took off my freshly applied makeup, replaced my changed outfit for sweats, got a glass of water, and headed to my bed to read while America's Funniest Videos played in the background. I gave the boys lots of lovin' because they never let me down.

The Ex sent me a text:

The Ex: If you're not home you should be thinking about wrapping it up soon, tomorrow is gonna come quick. Be careful and don't do anything dumb. xoxox
Me: Thanks, Dad.

I didn't want to let him know that the plans fell through. It would've given him too much satisfaction.

The Ex: Anytime, when are you going home?
Me: Soon.
The Ex: How soon?
Me: Soon, goof! What's with all the questions, writing a book?
The Ex: Maybe, where are you at?
The Ex: How long are you going to be there?

Okay, this was getting ridiculous. I'm not sending a good message if I respond to every one of his texts while I'm supposed to be out with another guy. Plus, I started thinking that he was probably sending me all of these texts full of nonsense just to have me reaching for my phone continuously, therefore, annoying the shit out of Ken. (Which it would've had I been out with him).

Me: Now you're just being a brat. I see what you're doing slick.
The Ex: I miss you, can't you tell? What am I doing?
The Ex: I'll leave you alone. Have fun, be careful. I was just thinking about you. xoxoxoxoxox

I couldn't fight it any longer so I called Jimmy again. He didn't answer. But this time, he called me right back. He's been studying so much he said. The EMT test at the academy is kicking his ass. He hates test, books, studying. He's nervous he's not going to pass. All he's been doing is studying. I could hear in his voice how exhausted he was. The sound was familiar. "You miss me?" he said.

Me: I do, and I think you may have been right long ago when you said you didn't think you had the time to be talking to someone. (I hadn't planned on bringing this up at this time but it just came out).
Jimmy: Whatever, I'll talk to you later.
Me: What do you mean you'll talk to me later? No.
Jimmy: You say it like there's somebody else!
Me: How in the world did I say it like there's somebody else?? (Seriously, where in the world did that come from)?
Jimmy: That's not fair, you know I've been trying so hard at the academy, it's been so hard and I'm so tired.

I cut him off

Me: I know, I know, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. I'm just saying, I know you're busy and tired and maybe you just don't have the time. It's okay.
Jimmy: Let me study some more and I'll call you back in a little bit.

I thought for sure he wouldn't call me back but an hour later he did. We just talked. He told me about his tests. He told me how hard it all was for him. I told him about work and my friends. I didn't bring up the other subject again. I thought we'd just talk for a bit, and we did.

After we got off the phone I couldn't stop thinking about our short conversation on the subject I've spent almost a week thinking about. What did his reaction mean? Did he call back just to talk because he was trying to show me he wanted to make an effort to make time? Is he just worried I'm going to see someone else so he's stringing me along? I texted him. "Good night, I do miss you...just not sure you have the time to be talking to someone. If that's the case you can tell me, I'll understand. No hard feelings..." I'm sure he was sleeping by then so no response.

After I got out of the shower this morning I grabbed my phone to turn on the internet radio I like to listen to while I get ready for work and saw that I had three missed calls. Hmm, odd. They were all Jimmy. Yay! He saw my text and wanted to talk! He had left a voice mail, so I listened.
Negative. Nothing about the text. Apparently he had a bad morning with his dog that he's been thinking about giving away now that he just doesn't have the time for him.

Can you believe The Ex wants to take the dog? It could just be one of his sneaky ways to get close. Who can decipher the inner workings of The Ex's brain, not I. Jimmy was 100% against giving the dog to The Ex. He looked at me like I had five heads when I brought it up. Guess he's desperate. So he was calling because he wanted me to find out of my ex was serious about taking the dog because he just has had enough. Text him and let him know because he's going into class. Hmph.

Timing is golden

The Ex is making another official attempt to get back together. He never actually stopped trying, he just stopped being vocal about it. He alternates back and forth between inserting himself into my life to remain present, asking me to do things we'd only do if we were a couple, telling me straight up how he feels, and lying back and giving me space. I know he's been trying even when it seems he's not for quite a while. I know he had no idea how to approach me in the beginning of it all. I know because he told me, and I know because I know him.

In my opinion, two recent developments have driven this particular vocalization:

1. He broke his ankle. He is a 6'2" 220lb. baby. Surgery was yesterday. He's staying at his mom's who is taking care of him. He wants me to take care of him. Not gonna happen, bud.

2. I told him about Jimmy and the possible move in. I told him of the first serious attempt we're making. Mainly because it's the reason I used for not being able to take care of him, but also because I wanted him to know. He's terrified. I don't have to tell him how I've got it bad for that kid, he knows me and he can tell. I can tell he's worried.

So, with these two factors coming into play The Ex is coming at me full force. It started Monday, but last night for once in his adult life he actually put into words, in clear sentences without any, "ya knows" how he feels. He came out and asked if we could give it another try.

I finally took the time and effort to explain to him that each time I contemplate letting him back in slightly, he reminds me of how he used to be. I let him know how the Valentine's Day debacle upset me. I let him know how last Sunday when I didn't hear from him, he let me down. I let him know that because he is no longer my boyfriend I don't have to deal with that sorta thing and I'm just not going to. Period. He said he was disappointed in himself as well and that he is going to make the change. That he loves me so much still and has never stopped. I'm his best friend. He sees him and I getting married and having babies. He knows it's going to happen. It has to happen. Hmm...

I haven't given him an inch. I told him how I'm not sure I could ever trust him again nor do I know if I even have the desire to try. I told him how when we broke up, I dealt with the hurt and the pain by myself and got over it by myself. No closure supplied by him. I haven't forgiven him and as long as we are friendly on the surface, I do not hold it against him. I can deal. Taking down the wall and letting him in again though? Not sure that's possible without drudging up the unfinished business. Not sure I even want to try.

Of course he still sees me as the person he wants to marry and have children with, I didn't hurt him. I didn't betray him and let him down. I just left. I decided I wanted and deserved more and I was never going to get it from him. So I let go. I moved on. Right?

However, despite knowing all of this, hearing him say the things he says does send my mind reeling, (obviously or I wouldn't be writing about it today). I can't say his words do not affect me. There is definitely still a part of me that wants to believe in him. I do believe he wants the things he says he does, what I don't believe is he will put the effort it requires into getting any of it.

The bottom line is I have no desire to give him/us another shot right now. I have feelings for Jimmy and I'm exploring that first. I need to. I want to. Sorry bud, but you've put yourself on the back burner and you're not getting bumped up simply because you've successfully expressed emotion. He asked if after Jimmy, could we give it another shot. I still feel like I don't know, which is what I told him. Time and time again I put a glimmer of faith into him. Time and time again he proves he did not deserve it. It's going to stop. He'd have to seriously prove himself. So to sum it up, I'm not thinking about giving him another chance right now, at all.

"When it comes to men that are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do."
-Randy Paush

Smart man.

Just letting it happen...

Follow your heart. Don't worry about what other's think or say. What's meant to be will be. Dont' be afraid to take a chance. It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. So many cliches, so little time.

Is there truth to any of them? Is there something to be said for making spontaneous decisions rather than carefully thought out "smart" ones? Should everything be done in a respectable sequence? Do following the unspoken relationship rules equal pure and utter bliss while coloring outside the lines will surely lead to disaster and regret?

I'm pretty sure no one knows the answer to these questions but more than likely have asked them to themselves, their girlfriends, and/or their significant others. None of which have ever had the answer. Time is the only answer. Oh, how time will tell.

For the past two years I've been the careful, cautious, calculating one. The 3Cs. Wow.

I've been living in hiding. Tiptoeing around relationships. Testing the water but ultimately deciding I'd rather hang back and stay dry. I've been following quite the script. A routine I've got down for sure and what's more boring then a one woman routine?

Maybe it's time to throw all caution to the wind. Be spontaneous. Take a chance. Live a little. Let things get a bit messy, remind myself I'm really living.

Jimmy has suggested moving in together. Crazy, I know. Sudden, quick, yes. Possible disaster? Definitely. I feel crazy just writing this. I feel the judgment. Sitting alone at my computer typing, I feel myself being judged.

My initial reaction is no. Duh. Crazy, psycho babble this boy is talking. He is not serious. He's serious though. He looks hurt when I bring up all of the worries, what ifs, and assumptions. His eyes start to roll. Leave it up to me to muck up an exciting idea with worries. He doesn't care. He doesn't agree. We're together anyway, right? Is his reaction. You said you wanted something real, something serious. Just sleep on it, he says.

Maybe I need to take a chance. Maybe it's time I go out on the wire and go after something I keep saying I want. Time to follow up some of this talking with some action. It doesn't have to be permanent. If it doesn't work, he can move it. Yes, he can be the one to move out. I know this isn't the attitude you should have going into something like this, but it's true.

The more I think about it the more I like the idea. I understand how crazy it seems but I'm not sure I care. I worried more about moving in with John who I'd known for 12+ years. Ken asked me to move in with him and I didn't even entertain the thought. What's with guys being so quick to co-habitate these days anyway? Seriously.

Well, it's not a definite. It's a possibility. It may not ever happen. But I realize, I'd be okay with it. We'll see how this thing plays out.

Sweet, sweet pickle

So as mentioned in my last post, I've made my realization that I am ready for something real. The BBD (Bigger, Better Deal).

I'm ready to take something and someone seriously. It is due time to clear out the bullshit and make room for the realness. No more, eh, why not go out with him? From now on, I'm not going out with someone unless I significantly want to. Unless I actually see myself with this person down the road, at least in a dating sense. The, "a girls' gotta eat" motto I've been living by for the past 2 years is officially going out the window. And with that, once I've realized I don't see myself with said person, I will be moving on leaving them behind. No more worries about remaining friends, cordial, etc. No more baggage. Traveling light is the goal.

This comes on the heels of being sick and tired, tired and sick, time and time again with the guys I've been dealing with lately. Hanging out with my very best, oldest friend and her boyfriend who have a great relationship has also helped me see that I'm ready for something like what they have. Pepper in the fact that this past Friday, August 15, was my official 2-year Independent Anniversary. Yup, it had been 2 years to the day since I moved out of the house I had shared with The Ex. It hit me that I've been fucking around for the past 2 years. I'm putting my big girl pants on.

So that brings me to the events of this past weekend. Saturday my best and oldest friend and I decide to go out to dinner and drinks, something that has been long overdue. I rarely get that girl outta house, so armed with my new and improved attitude and her by my side, I was pretty darn excited. I had $100 to expense at any restaurant, a gift given to me by my company for putting in 3 years, and if we couldn't eat that $100 then by god we were gonna drink it. I bought a hot new top that would definitely go with my favorite gold heels. Perfect outfit in mind I was set.

So the best place to eat (and drink) and easily rack up $100 is the lovely hot spot that Jimmy just so happens to work weekends at. She hadn't been out in forever and this hot summer spot wouldn't be open much longer with the season quickly coming to an end, so that is where we set off. Can't lie, I was excited to strut around in front of Jimmy because, gotta say, I looked hot.

It was a gorgeous summer night so clearly we weren't alone in thinking it would be a great idea to sit outside by the water and have dinner. Needless to say, we had to wait for an outside table. We went to the outdoor deck to get a drink or two while we waited. As we casually walked onto the deck, there was Jimmy who reached out and grabbed me as I walked by and pulled me in for a big hug. It was all over his face what he thought when he saw me. How easy men are to read sometimes, I swear. Well, I was completely casual. He was all over it, introducing me to the guys he works with (obviously trying to show off that he knew me), asking when I was going to come see his dog who "misses me terribly," and complimenting how great I looked. (I had even laid out at the pool for a couple hours earlier that day so I'd have a fresh brown tan...I was wearing white shorts and a cream top with gold accessories. Glowing).

I was definitely enjoying waltzing around looking good in a see-what-you-gave-up way, and totally expected him to have that reaction. What I didn't expect was the extent of his reaction. After we were seated at our table, about to order, a guy with a basket of roses came over and handed me a red rose and my friend a pink rose. I looked at him stumped. The man then motioned behind him (clearly he didn't speak a lick of English), and as I followed his look I saw Jimmy on the other side of the bar waving. Presh. I then received a text.

Jimmy: "Oh my God you look really good tonight. I just don't know why I wouldn't try with
you, but I do like you. I think it's that I really don't think you like me, you just say you do."
Me: "Thanks, and thanks for the roses. I did like you, I tried remember? Bad timing I guess. It's cool though.
Jimmy: Well, would you be willing to talk to me again?

I had no idea what to say. My friend had hundreds of ideas, all complete with hurdles and hoops he must jump through before he'd be worthy. I knew I'd never make him do any of those things. Shortly after the last text he came over to our table to talk for a bit, bringing yet another friend to introduce me to. Funny. He asked if I got his text and I said that I had. I was totally playing it cool. He then left us to our appetizer. Finally I responded.

Me: I would but I'm not going to be the one trying. You were acting like a jerk for a while. Why the sudden change of mind?
Jimmy: I am grown up and ready now to start.
Me: Well, we can see what happens.

He went on texting me throughout the night saying things like how he has missed me and more about how good I looked. I loved it. I really did. Did I finally get what I had wanted for so long? All it took is for me to stop, give up, and then put myself in his vision? The thought was definitely running through my mind that this kid is an out of sight out of mind type guy and hadn't thought about me at all until I showed up at his work looking fabulous and so he decided he wanted me. Of course once I was no longer there he wouldn't. That he meant it then but didn't mean it indefinitely.

I can't help that I still like him so much, so I put that thought out of my mind temporarily. I decided I'd just go with it. I owe it to myself considering the feelings I have for him that clearly I just can't kick. I stand by the fact that I will not be the one trying anymore. But how fabulous would it be if were finally on the same page? Part of me thinks he has just been afraid all along. Maybe he really is ready, maybe.

My friend and I finished our dinner and stayed for a few hours after before we moved onto another bar around 11:30 to do some serious, much overdue dancing. He wanted me to come to his place and "cuddle" once I got home. He'd be getting off early and would stay up and wait for me. He texted and called me while I was out and I just told him to go to sleep. He was tired. I wasn't going home early, I was having a blast with my girlfriend. I didn't want it to be that easy for him anyway.

Another friend of mine and I headed back there on Sunday for lunch. She's much younger (I actually used to babysit her!), and she was heading to college the next day. It was our going away lunch. I was taking her to an "adult" place I knew she'd love. I know, I was not oblivious to the fact that I was going there twice in one weekend but I swear it had nothing to do with him. These were two things planned out way in advance and just so happened to fall on the same weekend. Trust me, I was embarrassed by this. But still, I did see him again. He was sweet as anything again.

My friend wound up spending the night that night so we couldn't see each other later. He had asked. I'm kind of glad I was unavailable. I don't want to be available to him at the drop of a hat, simply because he decided to change his mind and was ready. (Though I did just 3 days earlier tell him I was ready). But he did walk his dog to my apartment and ask me to come outside to see him for a minute. I did, we talked, we kissed. He asked if I was his baby. Instantly I turn to mush once again. I couldn't be happier to say yes. I asked if he meant all the things he had said the night before. He said of course he did, he wouldn't have said them if he didn't. We kissed more. Mmmm. He came back around past my place on his way home and I went out. We kissed more. Oh, crushing so badly. Shamelessly crushing.

That night I dreamed of him. I kept waking up and asking myself if the things he had said had really happened or not, and then was happy to think that it really had. This is how freaking seriously I like him. Sheer craziness. I could barely sleep just so I could wake myself up to remind myself that it is real. Disgusting, I know.

Yesterday was his first day in the academy (he just got accepted into the fire department, could he GET any hotter?). He called me at his lunch break to let me know how it was going. Again, warms my heart. He asked if we could cuddle that night, I said maybe. I called him when I got out of work, he didn't answer, and then I headed into the gym. I worked out for a little over an hour. He called me twice while I was in the gym. I called him once I got out and immediately he did the, "Where are you?" The gym! "Meeting guys at the gym?" Ugh. I hate that he assumes that I meet guys at the gym, (although, his thoughts are warranted because guys do hit on me at the gym and I had even given my number out that day to a personal trainer. I'll get to that shortly). He wanted to come by. How long would it be until I was home? I told him I had to walk the dog, make dinner, all of that but he could come by after. I called him around 8:30 when I was done walking the dog, no answer. I never heard from him again last night. Did he just fall asleep? Doubt it at 8:30.

I'm just always left feeling confused. Maybe I was right and he only said the things he said because he thought I looked good that night. Otherwise, it's out of sight out of mind for that kid. Or, was he pissed that I didn't answer when I was at the gym and was getting me back? He's so spiteful like that. Hate it. I really just don't know. I dreamed of him last night too. This time though, I dreamed that he came into my bedroom on his way into work and hugged me to say he was sorry for not calling me back last night. I dreamed that when I woke I had an apology text and a phone call. In reality, I woke to nothing. And still nothing. It's noon, lunchtime break for him, and nothing. I feel wretched. I want him to call. I want to hear from him and have him give me a reason that makes it all better.

In other news, The Ex has freaking radar. He called me last night to say hi (also while I was in the gym). I had wanted to let him know about the changes with Jimmy and I anyway. The Ex broke his ankle. He needs to have surgery. He wants me to take care of him. I told him about Jimmy and how his timing couldn't be worse. I've gotta shape up just in case this thing is for real. I'm not trying to do anything to fuck it up. At least for a certain grace period to wait this thing out. Sorry bud, you can't stay here. I'm not taking care of you.

After telling him about Jimmy, he told me to be careful. As if he should be providing advice to me regarding my love life. He knows how bad I have it for Jimmy, he can tell. After we got off the phone he texted me just to tell me how much he loves me. Jeez. I just laugh off these comments. I said, "Wow, you really want someone to take care of you, huh!" He went on to say how he wants me to, I know how much he loves me and when are we going to give it another try? I just told him, again, with the bad timing. He says that he thinks it is going to happen naturally with time. He can think that all he wants but honestly, I have no desire to profess any type of love to him. I think it's officially gone in that way. I couldn't be happier about that.

On another totally separate note (sorta). The personal trainer at the gym who complimented me my hair cut because "he used to cut hair" that I've been chatting without a care with because, duh, he has to be gay, apparently is not. Nope, definitely straight. How do I know? Whelp, he asked me out to dinner last night while I was working on my lats. Fabulous. I have an inability to turn people down, even when I know I ultimately, will do just that. I just feel so bad. I've been talking to him for days just casually, being nice, thinking he wasn't interested. Totally wrong. Damn it. How am I so naive, time and time again? Didn't I learn anything from Ken who always told me that guys aren't my friends, they just want to fuck me? (Harsh right? That's seriously how he put it.)

Ugh, I gave the ex-hair-cutting personal trainer my number. While I'm giving it to him I'm literally thinking of how I'm going to get out of this. I can't stop going to this gym, no way. I can't stop coming. I can't ignore his calls because I'll see him at the gym. I'm going to have to actually come up with a legitimate excuse. I'll just tell him I had been dating someone and it just got serious. Sorry, bad timing. I'll let it down easy. The only other issue I have is there is a trainer at the gym I had been eying for weeks. Pretty sure once it gets out that I gave my number to Larry the ex-hair cutter, I'll never have a chace with the hot trainer. And if that fact doesn't do it, my fake reason surely will. Jeez. Leave it to me. A pickle for sure. Sweet.

The B.B.D.

August 11, 2008

The Bigger, Better Deal. Bring it on. I'm ready for it. I'm ready to get excited about someone. I'm ready to fall for someone instead of being excited that someone is falling for me. I'm through with being flattered, I want to be swept away.

I guess it's natural for me to want to relay this info to the two guys that are currently inhabiting my life (and my cell phone) because 1. When I meet Mr. Right I don't want him to peace out once he looks around and sees all these Mr. Wrongs hanging around and 2. I might just want one of them to step up and fill the shoes of Mr. Right.

I've been waiting for the opportune moment to tell Jimmy, actually, not even the opportune moment, just a moment in general. I want to make it a point to tell him I've discovered what I want as if he is going to want anything to do with it. What do I think he is going to do, change? Act differently? Suddenly realize he wants the same thing and we'll proceed to ride off into the sunset? (Yes). I'm pretty sure he wants one thing and it's not the same thing I want. I need to face that. I need to keep telling myself this until myself allows it to sink in for a decent length of time. I need it to stick.

Of course I tell Ken my revelation and immediately he is ready to fill the shoes. He wants to be that guy. He believes he is that guy. Such confidence. And what does he do? Ask me if I'll come over so he can make me dinner and we can talk. What did Jimmy do when I started to tell him? I say started because I didn't even finish before he cut me off and said he had to go. Seriously. That was a blow. That hurt. I felt it through me.

I know I'm feeling restless emotionally when I write a lot (mostly about nothing) and search for comfort in quotes, i.e. someone much smarter than I saying things I can relate to. I try to hold onto the quotes like, "Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you." And it just makes me wonder what is it about me that makes him not remain interested. Reading quotes about just make me think of him. I can't possibly love him. The feelings I have for him are so reminiscent of the feelings I had for John when I was 16, 17, 18. He's the John of 2008. And you know how good that turned out.

I hate how my hands start to shake when I know I'm going to see him. My whole body shakes sometimes but my hands are the worst. I get a nauseous feeling in my stomach. I'd call them butterflies but butterflies sound too sweet and nice. There's nothing sweet and nice about these things. I think about him almost all the time. Definitely at least once a day. Even more so I hate that I have no concrete reason as to why I have these feelings. None. And all I want is to forget about him. All I want is something good and something real and I just don't think I will find it within him.

Mother Theresa once said, "If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive." Does that mean that before I love another I must forgive The Ex or does that just mean that if I ever wanted to love The Ex again I'd need to forgive him? Hmm.

Other's that have got me thinking are...

"Don't seek the because--in love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions."
And that makes me feel wretched. It can't be love.

"I didn't want it to mean that much to me." The simplest quote that embodies exactly how I feel and have been feeling for longer than I'm willing to admit.

"I want to be free of you...the way you, obviously, are free of me." I couldn't want that more.

"They say our loves are shaped not by those who love us but by those who refuse to love us." Hello? Yea, my life for the past 2 months has definitely been shaped by this bullshit.

"Maybe I'm not supposed to be over him. I mean, look at how many times I've tried. Maybe there's a reason it's not working." I hate quotes like these because they make me feel like I'm doing the right thing by holding on and need to keep on when my whole being wants to stop. I can't pinpoint that part that won't stop but something is holding on, disagreeing and that part is the bigger more influential part because it is governing all.

"She will chase you around for a while; but there's going to be a day when she's going t stop running in circles around you. She's going to get over you and at that very moment you're going to wish you had let her catch you." This one I fear the most. I hate when it happens and inevitably it does. I have said to myself and three others at least that I'm ready for something real, something good. I've been taking nothing and no one seriously for the past two years, and I do not regret this fact, I needed it. But I am finished with it. I'm ready to be serious. I'm ready to fall for someone who is also falling for me. I want something real. I want something good. I will probably find that and then have Jimmy come cruising back in.

"What appears to be the end is really a new beginning." That's what I need to focus on. This new beginning that I've decided that I want. I'm in no rush for it to happen, I'm just ready and open for it. The B.B.D.

Then I see things like, "If it didn't really matter you wouldn't spend so much time thinking about it." I spend more time thinking about that boy than anything else.

"Ask me why I keep loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you." I hate the word love being sprinkled in there, I'd rather say "like." But that's true to how I feel now regardless.

And then random things happen. I think to myself, if only he knew how good it could be...how he's selling himself short. And then, immediately after, I see a quote that says, "If he only knew how much I need him." And yesterday while sitting at my desk at work I'm thinking about him (as always) a friend sends me a funny video to watch which turns out to be The Muppets singing a song entitled, "Jimmy Boy." Yea, no joke.

The almost comical thing is that it seems Ken feels for me what I feel for Jimmy and in turn I feel for Ken what Jimmy feels for me. Isn't that how it's supposed to go down in middle school? Haven't we graduated and such? Oy vey.

Ready for the realness

August 10, 2008

I am completely and utterly sick of guys, at least the guys that are currently in my life. I believe the idea that we meet certain people in our lives for a reason. Each person has something to teach or show us. Sometimes they reveal something about ourselves to us. Mirrors. They are all lessons and once the lesson is learned, once they’ve taught or shown us what they are intended to teach or show, we move on; wiser. Until we find the person who is supposed to remain.

Victor taught me not to put up with certain abusive actions. He taught me that a person can be abusive without physically harming you. He showed me the warning signs and he made me realize I should not put up with being treated poorly and should bounce quickly. I learned that lesson the hard way.

The Ex showed me that not all people can live up to there full potential. He showed me that you cannot will someone to change and you cannot help him or her from him or herself. He also taught me that sometimes you have to put you and your happiness first, and that although there was the dream of something and the hope of a future, that future can change and when it has you have to pack up and leave. He taught me how to let go. That was the hardest lesson thus far. A lesson I’m still dealing with.

John taught me that even when there’s passion, there must be something more. He showed me that love sometimes love is not enough and that you cannot settle.

Alan showed me my demons. He helped me see that I hold onto my past like a badge and allow it to hold me back. I lean on it and use it as an excuse when I should never. He let me know that getting over being hurt is a daily struggle, something that you don’t do just once and then move on. It’s something you deal with over and over and you have to do just that. He was the first step in putting my past in the past.

Ken showed me that I have been extremely naïve when it comes to men and their intentions. I believe that all of them just want to be loved, but the truth is, some of them just want me for my body. Some of them are just after one thing and will do/say anything to get it. Ken showed me that body parts govern some men. Yes, I've heard this and known this, but I always believe the good in people and some people just don't have it. He taught me that something things just are what they are, plain and simple. This is something that is difficult to deal with.

Jimmy showed me that, shit, no matter how old you are, you can still get played. I was stupid enough to believe that that was a thing of the past, but no, some guys still think its cool and do it. Every guy I ever dated or slept with always wanted more from me and I was cocky with that assumption. He showed me that although up until this point in my 27 years I may not have been played, does not mean a guy won’t come along and do it and whelp, he did it. He got the best of me and I wont’ be stupid enough to let that happen again.

I guess I’m fed up with guys right now because the most recent lessons I’ve learned from Ken and Jimmy are the most despicable ones. Maybe I’ve always been gullible and naïve and everyone has known this about me but me. Lately I feel like I am being used by all of these guys.

Jimmy calls me when it is convenient for him. It is all about him. I hear from him only if he needs something or has something to tell me. I am here for him. Does he ever ask me about me, my day, my work? No. If I call him at any other time he is completely uninterested.

The Ex is trying to come back into my life but he is lost. He knows that he is lost and I think he thinks that if he were with me than he would find himself. I am now the answer. The Ex is always seeking the answer in another person when the truth is that he needs to find it within himself. If I were to get back with him he would only eventually feel lost and seek to be found in someone else. I am safe though. I am something he knows, something good, and since he doesn’t have me he thinks I am the answer. I’m not. Only he has the answer within himself and until he finds it he will never be happy. Truth be told, I can see him searching for his entire life. Constantly moving on and on through women and circles of friends, never looking within.

I am so disgusted by the awful truth that Ken has shown me that although I know this may be a universal truth, I associate him with that truth. I probably always will and therefore, will never be able to trust him. There's no chance I'll be able to say, "he's different," even if it's just something I chose to tell myself.

The question is, have I learned all the lessons I've needed to learn? Am I officially schooled now? Is there a reason why I’m being faced with all of these trials when it comes to relationships? Is there some sort of plan laid out for me that require me to learn all of these things? I’d like to think so. I know I’m nowhere near perfect and I feel like I did need to learn these lessons. As each layer is revealed I feel the sensation that I have been sheltered. I can’t help but wonder if I could have been perfectly happy meeting someone good without having to learn all of these truths though. I’m sure I needed to, mainly because I am attracted to, and typically go for the bad guy. This is an unhealthy pattern of mine, I know. Something that I need to grow out of and possibly this is the message I’ve been intended to learn all along. Well, I’ve got it. I’ve got it, okay?

I’m tired of the lessons; I’m tired of the bad guys. Haven’t I done my time? I’m a good person.

So with all of these lessons coming full circle, I’ve realized that I’m ready for something real. I’m ready to start something good. I’m tired of this dating game and these awful guys. I’m ready to fall for someone and I’m ready for that someone to be good. My wish at this point, is that someone, somewhere has learned a lesson or two from mine. God knows we can’t live long enough to make all of the mistakes so we’ve got to learn from others. Maybe my mistakes, my trials, my lessons, can save someone a little heartache from learning them for themselves.

The line has been drawn

August 3, 2008

I give him so much while he gives the bare minimum. He really makes no effort at all yet I fall to his feet. I never act this way. Never have I acted that way, even in my immature youth when I should’ve been and most girls were. They all wised up and here I am making up for lost time. I’ve always had guys respect me and want more from me than sex. I always made them work for the sex and even if I gave it up early, they always came back for more. I would’ve never given it up early if I didn’t know that they respected me and wanted more than to get laid. Yet here I am at 27 allowing a 23 year old to take advantage of me and use me for sex, basically. I need to stop avoiding what is clearly going on. It makes me so angry. I want to yell at him. I want to scream at him. I want to tell him how great of a girl I am and how much I have going for me, but it wouldn’t matter. He doesn’t care. He calls me when he has something to tell me but doesn’t care about me or what’s may be going on with me. Never has he shown an interest my life. He is completely and entirely self-serving. Why is that okay? He is working me and I’m allowing him to, telling myself that I’m just letting it happen because I’m single and its not hurting anyone. What I realize is that it is hurting someone because it’s hurting me. I am not and never will be the girl who is okay with casual sex unless I am the party that feels casual about it. I have to at least know that the guy wants more from me. This shit eats me up and pisses me off. How dare he. And what the fuck am I doing taking what I can get from this boy. Acting as if he’s god’s gift and has a lot to offer me. He has nothing to offer me, because he’s not offering anything. I think it began as an ego thing and it’s been a game to me in the fact that he hasn’t been hooked and I’ve wanted to get him hooked. I want the tables to turn to my favor again. It’s a power/control thing that I’m used to, and want to always have. I’ve been trying to get it back. I’ve been trying to win. I’m hurting myself in the process and allowing myself to feel used. Its not worth “winning.” I just wanted to prove to myself that if I turned this around and he was trying and hooked on me again, that it wouldn’t have just been sex. He would’ve wanted more. Yes, he’s attractive but he’s no the best looking guy in the world. Yes, he’s funny but he’s also exhausting. Yes, he has a lot going for him but he’s in no way shown that he wants to share any of that with me. Nor do I want to share any of mine with him. The times that its just him and I and there’s nothing to say, either on the phone or together, it’s awkward. You’ve humored yourself saying that it is a crush and foolish, that you’re making up for the lost time of inappropriate dating in your 20s, those are excuses, face it, this is not you. Let it go.

Stop. You have nothing to prove to that boy, or to yourself. You know your worth even if he doesn’t. You never allowed a man to treat you this way in the past, so why start now? The more that you play into this game in an attempt to feel as though you’ve won, the further you go down in the battle and the worse you will then feel in the end. It’s not worth it. It is not about him. It happened. Learn from it and move on. So what if it happened now and so what if it was him and you’re mad. Would it have been better if it were an older guy? Would it have been easier if it had happened when you were younger? You were out of the dating pool for years. You were out of it when this sort of thing should have been occurring. Of course you’re naïve to its signs. You were in relationships from 17-25. You recognize what it is so stop ignoring it. You are an attractive, smart, college-educated woman with her own career that allows her to stand on her own two feet and take care of herself all by herself. You are not dependent on anyone. You are so much better than this, and what he is doing so stop giving yourself away for free. Stop feeling bad about the lack of attention and minor effort that he makes. You can’t change it and you can’t change him, all you can do is decide what you will and will not accept. Be real with yourself for one second, do you really want to change him? Do you really, and I mean really, want to be with him like that? It is time to stop being accepting of it. It’s time to demand more or nothing at all. You are too damn good for this shit!

I’m not saying I can’t talk to him. I can talk to him. But I will not be allowing the behavior anymore. I’m bringing the real me back because for some reason she has been being suppressed for him with no good reason to speak of. Done and done with all of that nonsense, and not done as in its time to start playing the game done, (where its not really done its simply another route in an attempt to get the best of him), just done period. Seriously.

On another note, I’m not sure if its just because I’ve been off for the past week and spent a lot of time with myself, but I feel like I’m missing the closeness of a relationship. I understand that it could be because of the stay-cation, but I also recognize that I haven’t felt this longing in quite a while. Its not for a specific person, in fact, its for a person that I don’t currently know. That’s what I want, someone I don’t know who doesn’t know me who doesn’t know who I know. Maybe I feel that way because it seems less attainable, i.e. can remain an unrequited longing that I can simply rest on rather than something I can make a reality because I know I could if I wanted to. Ken, The Ex, John. Yea, I could have a relationship if I wanted one, with one of them. I don’t want one with one of them, but I feel like I want one. I miss the closeness, the cuddling and watching movies in bed, breakfast on Sundays followed by more cuddling in bed. I want that. I’m ready for that. I’m not going to go looking for that or start it up with someone who I clearly have already discovered I don’t want it with, but if it happens I’m open to it.

In the meantime, I’m going to continue to work at work and work at the gym. I need to cut any physical relationship with guys that don’t meet the criteria I want (Jimmy). Do I tell him I want more? Probably not, he’ll assume I want it with him when I’m pretty sure I don’t. If he was different and wanted it, I might, but that’s all hypothetical.

The odd thing is that I have found myself thinking about John while I’ve been off this week. This is the first time since the incident two months ago that I’ve found myself thinking about him and missing him. Maybe it’s because I want what him and I had, but with someone else. I miss what him and I had. I found myself charging my old cell phone just so I could go through it and see all the sweet text messages that he used to send me. I’m thankful to still have had them because they helped with the Jimmy realization. John really loved me. John, at one point, was really very sweet to me. It warmed my heart to read the things he had written to me. I feel bad for blowing so much of it off. I feel bad for being bothered by it all. It was all too much for me. I can’t help my feelings about it but I do feel bad for them. He put all of his pride aside to try to get me back and love me. All he really wanted was to love me and for me to love him back. I am not disregarding his short comings and I’m not thinking of being with him (ever) again, I’m just, for the first time in over two months, remembering that there was more than negative things attached to him. Reminds me why I put up with all the bullshit for so many years. There is a good side buried there. I’m grateful that those messages helped me to realize my worth.

New layers

March 22, 2008

It seems letting everything, (and by everything I mean everyone), go was just what I needed in order to allow myself to realize what it was I really wanted; a feeling I’ve been waiting impatiently to make an appearance for the past two years. The realization did not take long. Well, let me clarify. From the moment I decided to "let it all go," it did not take long for me to realize what I wanted. In turn, when thinking in terms of after the wake of the break up with The Ex, the revelation took significantly long. But that's to be expected, right?

Anyway, with this said revelation I’ve discovered the answers to many of the questions that have been plaguing me. I understand much of what had been going on in my head these past months and have decided that although thus far 2008, (in it’s few short months), has been a year of trials and tribulations, it will also be one of clarity and action.

Although I hate to do it I attribute some of the clarity to Alan. I think he came into my life to smack me awake and make me realize what I’ve been doing to men and my relationships with them. Something no friend or family member had the ability to do. He helped me realize that the feelings of hesitation and fear I had been feeling were not natural and not me. Not the me I usually was. I kept resting on the fact that I had simply changed and this was the new me, the new bitter, cynical, terrified me. I don't want to be that. Yes, I'm changed by the hurt I experienced but not that much. He could see the me I used to be and he wanted it. It was not for him and him not for me, but he made me see how cynical I was being because of my past experience and he made me see that it wasn’t something that should remain permanent. He put me on the road to getting over it and seriously moving on, just not with him. I specifically remember him telling me that you don't just get over the hurt once, you get over it every day. Until the pain is less and you get over it weekly, monthly. It's just not a one time deal. It's something that stays with you.

But it had to be Alan, John could never have had the capacity to see what was going on right in front of his face. He could never have begun to understand why I was acting the way I was but Alan could. And not only could he see it, he put it in my face and I needed that. This was his purpose and he served it. I needed to move on from him and I did. I let him go. I let Brandon go. Letting go sounds so elementary but to me it has always been a big thing. It has always been something that is difficult for me to do. The Valentine’s Day debacle of 2008 (as it will be forever be remembered), put the idea of reigniting anything with The Ex to rest before it was ever able to hurt me. And thank God for the divine intervention that put that silly idea to a swift halt. A true blessing in disguise and The Ex is done (yet again).

With all that on the shelf and me left with me, I was able to think about me and allow myself to develop the space for someone new. It wasn’t something I did it just happened. That realization was a shocker and of course it made me look right to John. Luckily, he came to me before I ever had to go to him…

One text from John, which turned into an entire text-message conversation, made me realize that I was ready, but more importantly, I was ready to be with him. It just hit me while driving as revelations often do, that I was ready. That I missed him and he missed me so what the hell had we been doing. All the “ick” feelings of being in a relationship dissolved just like that. All of a sudden I knew what I wanted and thank God for that feeling. Now it was just a matter of whether or not he would forgive me, believe me, and take me back after all I'd put him through. And he did. He didn’t waste a second coming to talk to me about it and it was just that simple. As it should be I guess. We actually managed to make up, lay out exactly what we both wanted, and arrange seeing each other all via text messaging…up until he showed up at my door, picked me up, and kissed me.

I realize now that all those insecure issues I had when it came to John existed because I was nowhere near ready for a relationship, not one in the magnitude of what he wanted. I was foolish to think I could be in a relationship. Looking back I can see that. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if there’s one thing I’ve successfully learned this year it’s that hindsight is most definitely 20/20. I hated it then because this is the type of person I typically am and want to be. I wanted to be that way then. I wanted to WANT to be with him but I couldn’t make myself. I needed the time to go by.

So here we are one month later together. Together and I couldn’t be happier. Everything seems to have fallen into place for the moment. Crazy how it has happened. I just hope it lasts. We’re talking about moving in together when my lease is up…in just four months…we’ll see how it goes. I haven’t told my parents anything about it, but I’m 27 years old, I can make my own decisions.

And that’s just what I decided to do this time around with John. I decided not to care about what anyone would think or say, not to be concerned with it in the least. I know that John is far from perfect and I know he has his issues. He’s a little rough around the edges. But God he makes me happy. I love the way I feel when I’m around him and I’ve loved that feeling since I was 16. When I sit and think about it I get nervous assuming that this may be it. That him and I may just work out for the long run. I’m just sick and tired of games and dating. I’m ready to just settle down and be with someone, for real with someone.

Guess this is as good a segway as any to go ahead and state that here we are a month later and I’m having doubts about his sincerity/commitment/honesty. Typical doubts? Maybe. We all begin to doubt (or so I’d like to think we all do), once the commitment is stated and final. After the initial honeymoon period when you don’t give a shit about anything but being together 24/7, eff the “are we spending too much time together” thoughts, cheesing at each other, talking on the phone until ungodly hours, and having sex two, three times a night and a couple in the morning too, of course. Getting up for breakfast and then getting back into bed. Ah, love it. Yea, after the excitement of all that dies down there seems to be the classic “power struggle.” Who has more power? Who wears the pants? Who’s running things? Ugh, hate that…especially when I start to feel like it’s not me, which I inevitably do when I really like someone and decide I don’t’ want to play that game. If I don’t like them that much I’m happy to strut around in the pants. So I guess it’s possibly that the doubts I’m having are normal fears present at the beginning of any relationship. But in my case, I’d like to think that after The Ex I’m pretty intuitive when it comes to recognizing the red flags of insincerity and I’m afraid I’m starting to see them coming from him. Any other time, having not experienced what I have, I would’ve kept going on blind and happy only to be hit with the actual disappointment much later once it’s impossible to ignore. Since this is not my first rodeo I see subtle changes, the power shift, him strutting around in the pants, and I don’t like it. I’m terrified. Of course voicing the fear only sends me ten steps further down the power stairs…so that’s outta the question.

The extremely frustrating part of all of this is how badly John has wanted to be with me for the past two years. How I’ve worn the pants loyally and faithfully that entire time. Now that I want to be for real and be with him, what he’s said he has wanted more than anything, he’s switching up on me, (possibly).

So I’m fearful that this is the classic “thrill of the chase” scenario gone badly. He wanted me when he thought he couldn’t have me. So of course he wanted me REALLY badly. The fact that he couldn’t have me made him want me all that much more, you know the drill. Well, now that he has me…eh, it’s ok. I hate that. It builds up a certain expectation that is not lived up to.

THEN comes the possibility that I could just still be afraid because of my last experience. I’m so terrified that The Ex is going to happen all over again that I think it is. I think he’s going to do what The Ex did. How do I know if I’ve learned from a past experience so I’m smarter this time and can spot the red flags before they hurt me, or if I’m making the next guy pay for The Exes mistakes?

Let me just refer back to a previous entry from this past January, 2 months ago, when I was just beginning to feel the early stages of “readiness,” only while with the wrong guy….

“Because the truth about me is that though I am cautious, guarded, and hesitant; once I decide to let that go I am incredibly serious and loyal. And whelp, I am certainly that way with every guy because rarely does a guy make the cut. I take pride in preserving that part of myself. My worry, (among many), is that guys go along saying things without anything serious attached to the words, nothing emotionally backing it up. But after holding out I decide to give in only to find that while I’m feeling something real they have what they tried so hard for which they no longer want it. They were consumed in the chase, the mystery of me. And didn’t realize that once they broke my walls down all that is left is me.

Maybe it’s because I’m such a mystery and so hard to read that they guys just want to crack my code.

Either way, I have yet to open up. I still have myself in tact. He’s knocking on that wall (sometimes kicking it). I can see myself taking it down; I feel it coming. I feel that I am falling for him. I feel that I’m about to throw all caution to the wind. The cynicism that has recently taken up residence within me this past year is subsiding. The softhearted, trusting romantic is beginning to return and she just doesn’t want to get burned again. Not after the last wild fire that took so long to put out.

Crazy how I just woke up one day and everything had changed. I have to say, I am grateful for the change. I missed the romantic part of myself.

So now I just have some ghosts from the past to work through. I’ll do that. I will.

I just feel like I’m ready. Where love, couples, and all things mushy took a back seat in my mind and world for so long, I’m finally open to the idea of it—with him.”

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

-Sex and the City

I go back and forth between feeling like I’m overacting and being stupid, to feeling like I need to do something before it’s too late and I wind up back in the same situation I previously was in. I just can’t stand this feeling and I don’t know what to do about it. This is precisely why I sometimes feel as though it’s better to be alone, because at least I don’t have to deal with these feelings of disappointment and possible paranoia. I decide how I feel all the time and it’s usually pretty good. I dictate my mood at all times and no one else has a say. When I’m not in a relationship all I have are people in my life who want me in one with them. I mean, the past two weekends we’ve already gone without seeing each other on two separate nights (last weekend Fri this weekend Sat), and he hasn’t cared. This being the same guy who got upset when I didn't want to see him during the week as well as on the weekends. This being the same guy who specifically asked me in the beginning of all of this if we could see each other during the week and I said, yes, of course we can. And we did for a minute there, but now we don’t. And not only do we not see each other during the week, we actually go weekend nights without seeing each other and he is OK with it! WTF? Tell me that is not a change…please. Seriously.

I am a strong believer in sex being the barometer of a relationship and last night when at his house, he had me do ALL the work both times that we did it. Given, I’m ok with taking the reigns once in a while. But again, I know John. John likes to do his thing and make me feel good. He didn’t seem concerned in putting it on me at all last night. As if he doesn’t need to anymore. Ugh.

I guess I just thought that I wouldn’t have to go through this stuff with him. He put everything out there all the time and I thought we were going to avoid playing these games. I thought we were being up front and for real to each other, that we were going to be on the same team all the time. I should’ve known that men and women could never be that way all the time no matter what they may say. And I should definitely know better than to think that John is going to go through with something that he says he will.

Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe all of this is nothing. But this going noted. I am documenting the fact that I feel this way when I did and I’m not going to forget it. I am going into this with my eyes open and my head clear. I am not going to allow things to cloud over like I did in the past. I am going to use what I learned that’s for damn sure. In addition, what I’m regretfully going to do is start playing the game, the power tug of war. I am going to make myself not incredibly available, make him work for it. I was prepared to throw all of that out of the window, but John hasn’t done this before. He might not be tired of it the way that I am. I guess I can’t blame him for strutting in the pants considering he had been skirting it with me for quite some time. So fine, he has had his moment. But if we’re gonna do this, and someone is going to wear the pants, well then it’s going to be me damn it. Cause shit, I’m good at the game.

I tell ya, hindsight may definitely be 20/20 and I’m a regular Dr. Phil after the fact in deciphering why I felt the way I felt and did what I did…but sometimes I’d give anything to know while in the moment. Anything.