Home sweet home

Well, almost. I'm headed back home today...just after I feed the horses for the evening. I love spending time with my mother, she's great, really. I made her watch Twilight with me today. She liked it. Pretty sure another has been converted (stop judging).

Oh, I'm just oh so ready to get back. I keep thinking of all I need to do when I get there. Check on the cat (obviously), I know he misses us like crazy. Laundry. Lotsa laundry. Grocery shop, get my nails done, return my library books, get new books, ugh. Because Sunday I'm turning right back around and heading up this way for Easter.

But, rather then do all of those things when I get home, I'm hopping in the shower and getting dressed up to go out tonight. I've spent the last 3 1/2 days in sweats, barn clothes and boots with my hair tied back in pony tail and I'm ready for some lip gloss, heels and couple of drinks. I'm even contemplating gold peep toes and a gold clutch tonight...ooh, with a new deep purple top, skinny jeans and a cropped black jacket. Can you tell I'm itching?

Yeah, I'll get to all those obligatory things on Saturday. That's what the weekends are for, right? Right.

Happy Easter everyone!

Mom sitting

For the past 3 days I've been staying at my parent's place out in the middle of nowhere. I'm taking care of my Mom and the farm. The farm which consists of 5 horses (one of which is a baby), a miniature donkey, 2 dogs and a shit ton of geese and chickens. Yeah, I'm trudging it to the barn every morning at 8am and every evening rather then fighting traffic to and from my 9-5.

The reason? My Mom fell off one of those horses this past weekend and broke her shoulder. On Tuesday she had surgery to put a plate and some screws in there. That woman is scaring me these days. This is the 3rd time she's fallen in as many months and this is the first time she's been seriously hurt. She's a pistol that woman, 54 and running around like a 30-year-old, bless her heart. So I'm here on farm duty until the weekend when my Dad can take over. My boss at work is wonderful, not minding I take off for the week at the drop of the dime. I'm in my email, working from home as much as I can.

So I've been feeding the animals, feeding my parents, running on the trails, reading books and surfing the net. I brought my pooch with me, he loves it out here but boy am I missing my routine.

I didn't realize how much of my own world I'd created until I was taken out of it. My family is great, but I miss the life I've created for myself. I'm happy about this. Some people go "home" to their parent's and never want to leave. To me, home is MY home. My place. And I love that.

I love that, and with that love comes the want for a challenge. I'm ready to spread my wings even more and really vacate my comfort zone. This feeling has been bubbling for quite a while, and recently a solution has floated to the surface. I thought the answer was taking the step to buy a home because, well, that felt like the logical next step in my life. Then I realized it wasn't. A home would just keep me here. The challenge I really want and need is relocation.

I was born and raised in this same town. I didn't go away to college I stayed close to home. I've always stayed close. In my comfort zone. So all aspects came together. I hate the cold, I hibernated this winter. I want to move to the West Coast. San Diego specifically. I've been doing research on location and jobs. The more I learn the more I want it. I'm going to make it happen. It's the change I need. I can leave behind all this past that's been sticking with me and start new. There is no better time for me to do this. I have no obligations and nothing to hold me back. Nothing.

With that said I'm itching to get back to my life that is still here. I'm leaving the 'rent's place tomorrow and already have plans to meet some friends for a happy hour party downtown. So excited. My best guy friend is coming too, who...

Side note: did a little late-night confessing to me Saturday night when I went out with the boys. I often go out with the boys and when I do I AM one of the boys. Seriously. No holding back in front of this girl and damn it, I buy rounds too. We dance, we have fun. This time, me and 10 guys. Guys are so refreshing and easy. No drama, it is what it is. They just want to have a good time and that's just what goes down. Beer and shots. Dancing. Then pizza at the end of the night. Hella good time.

My best guy friend and I have been friends since middle school and we've been there through many boyfriends and girlfriends. He's The Ex's cousin for goodness sake. But we've remained great friends. We have a pact that if neither of us are married by 35, we'll marry each other. This has always been sort of a joke to me, but he confessed on Saturday night just how much it's not a joke to him. He basically wanted confirmation that should the time come, I would not say that I only thought of him as a friend and nothing else because he was counting on me. Pretty sure that was his way of discovering if right now, I only thought of him as a friend. Of course when he'd asked me I had just chased down my second shot of Grey Goose with my Miller Lite and pinkie shook that HELL NO, I would NEVER say that! Ah well. Ignoring that convo and moving right along. So far, so good. He has a girlfriend. He'll be fine. End Side note.

OH, and let me mention that Monday night as I'm packing up my car at 10pm to head to my parent's, who FLEW by? The freaking orange car! WTMF (what the mothafuck)?! The adult crush should have successfully moved this past Friday. NO reason to be cruising past my apartment at that hour. I was sort of saying goodbye to a male friend (nope, not getting into that now), so I'm sure he saw. I'm sure he did. What I'm not sure of, is WHY he was there. But what I do know, is that it BETTER not have been to check on me.

Okay, so I realize I've rambled in all directions. My apologies. Sometimes my brain just jumps from topic to topic and sometimes it feels good to roll with it. This is reality, and sometimes I just can't wrap my posts up and tie them with a bow. My bad.

Escapism

I deleted my myspace account the VERY second I saw my ex's new girlfriend (who he denied he was even interested in as he made feeble attempts to get back with me), posted a picture of them two on her page. Her page wasn't private and I know myself. Me, being the emotional masochist that I am, would check back for new, updated, cute pictures of the happy couple and make myself feel like shit. This was back in November. I did not even think twice. Delete account. Delete. Confirm, delete. Myspace makes it so freaking hard to delete your account it's ridiculous. You need a secret code AND handshake before they'll let you out the door. Well this girl followed through.

I kept my facebook account because I had different circles of friends on there and those I was worried would possibly allow me to catch a glimpse of something I wouldn't want to see, weren't on there. Until now. God knows you can't eat a sandwich while logged in without facebook alerting every friend you have.

Now, everyone and their great uncle are joining facebook and I'm not liking it. I'm getting worried. It was just now, today, that on my lovely 3-year stretch of ex-free, unblemished homepage was broken when a new friend of mine, a new joiner of facebook, posted a collection of pictures that included The Ex's latest trip to Vegas with the girlfriend. Now going on 5 months. Of course I looked. More than once. God fucking damnit. I don't want to delete my facebook account, but I'm thinking I may have to. If I want to live a semi-normal life. I thought about just deleting those specific friends, or not accepting their friendship when they requested. But I just couldn't, even though I knew what doors it would force open.

I'd say, how do guys get over things so quickly? Except it's been 3 years this July since we broke up. I'm just a fucking ridiculous retard.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't been pining for him daily for the past 3 years. But God, I'm not taking trips with guys and this is his second girlfriend since me that he's been this serious with. I'm pathetic. This is not news.

In other, totally unrelated news, if you have yet to check out futureme.org, you should do it. It's a very cool site where you can write an email to yourself that will be sent to you in the future. I did this, apparently exactly one year ago today because I got an email from past me today. Past me made present me cry. I highly recommend giving it a shot and then forgetting that you did. Check out mine.

Subject line: Eternally Hopeful.

Dear FutureMe,

Hey girl. So I hope this email finds you well...also, I hope you completely forgot that you wrote it and it catches you by total and utter surprise.

I guess what I'm feeling for you right now is a lot of hope. I know that I, present day you, am the one who needs to make the moves in order for you (future you), to have accomplished all that I hope for you, so I just hope that I freaking do it! Before I get carried away, let me be more specific about what exactly I'm hopeful for.

I am hopeful for you. And just you. Not anyone in your life, but you. I hope you stopped coasting and are doing something that is challenging you. I hope you're happy doing it, but more so, I hope you're learning, advancing in your career. I hope you've scratched some more things off of that list of things to do by the time you're 30 cause girl, you're seriously close now! I hope that whatever is going on with Josh has been figured out, be it good or bad, and you've either moved forward together or moved on. I don't care if you're single or not. You're fabulous either way and it does not matter. I'm sure that if you are single that you're happy that way. If you're not single, I hope you've learned how to keep yourself in tact while being a part of a couple. It's rough for you, I know that. Just don't forget how important you and what you want are. I hope you've gotten over some of the hurt and betrayal that's been sticking with you the past couple years and trusting isn't so difficult for you.

I hope Otis is happy and doing well! He loves you, you are his world, you know? I hope you're happy with you're living situation! I would love it if you'd bought a house but understand if you haven't yet. You've done some great things in regard to housekeeping your finances but you're not ideal just yet. I hope you've been able to keep saving though! I hope the Cruiser is still running well for you :) I hope you've tried some new things and hopefully been able to take a vacation. At least one. I hope you have realized that you are blessed and you are pretty....I can't say beautiful, but you are definitely pretty. I hope you've been able to see yourself that way.

Wow, so I realize that's a lot to expect! I just want the best for you. I hope I haven't let you down. All in all I want happiness for you. I hope your days of hurting are over and you won't have to experience that again. Good luck girly!!!

xoxoxo, love you,
Past Me

Morning mayhem

DISCLAIMER: if you are eating right now--stop reading. If you have a weak stomach--stop reading. This is not going to be pretty.

You can count on your day being a rocky one when it starts like this:

You're in your bathroom doing your morning routine--brushing your teeth, putting on make up, the ushz. It's not one of those mornings you have GMA on in the background, not even your Internet radio. It's basically quite in your one bedroom apartment. Until you hear a sound out of the ordinary. You know the sound of the dog drinking, the dog eating, the cat in the litter box, the cat running around like a maniac, etc. All things that normally go down in the morning. This sound is none of the above. Curiosity gets the best of you, and you walk down the hallway, through the living room and before you make the turn into the kitchen you discover the source. The dog. The dog you kiss every morning on the mouth, eating a pile of cat poo your cat was nice enough to leave OUTSIDE of the litter box (his little announcement that the box is a wee bit too full for his liking).

Completely grossed out you yell his name, and "NO!" The dog, not used to being yelled at, startles, spitting out a piece of half eaten poo while continuing to chew and swallow what he managed to keep intact. Gag reflux commence. You reach for some paper towels and pick up the remnants, all the while gagging as the dog continues to lick his chops, snort and snarl (he's a slobbery, wrinkly shar-pei, he can't help it). For the remainder of the morning, you cannot look at him without gagging, let alone, even think of kissing him ever again. Ugh.

Ah yes, that indeed is how my glamorous day began. All I can say about the rest of the day is that it didn't get worse. Can't say it got any better though. The highlight? Chipotle for lunch. A girls' gotta do what a girls' gotta do.

FBL

(Future Boyfriend List)

1. Must be able to make me laugh.
   
2. Passionate about something/has some drive.
   
3. Good job/career.
   
4. Low key/easy going but still knows how to have fun.
   
5. Likes to do stuff/make plans (or goes along with my plans).
6. Adventurous.
7. Has a little edge (reformed bad boys welcome)
8. People person - I can bring him out with my friends/fam and not worry about him.
   

Is that asking for too much? Hell to the no.

A**hole factor

A conclusion has been made, and only after two hours of conversation with my closest friend, (aka my soul twin). Together we pushed, pulled, and trudged through our twisted psyches and a verdict was reached alas. Considering I've been dating for fifteen plus years, two hours ain't half bad. It is not uncommon that as her and I talk things out, one or both of us experience some sort of revelation. In fact, rarely does this fail to occur. Last night definite headway was made. It's like free therapy. Seriously.

The precursor to the convo was a toxic ex trying to claw his way back into my friend's life, (for the fourth time), and her illogical contemplation of it. Also, my simultaneous developing revelations that begged to be shared with a kindred spirit.

It hit me one day while driving, (as thoughts usually do), that I have never been in a relationship with a guy who treated me well. I've dated guys who have treated me well for periods of time, sure. Done nice things for me, yes. But I never kept these guys around for long. I jokingly refer to it as my three month itch. No matter how much I may be into someone in the beginning, how I feel after three months is the ultimate test. The make or break. The ones that make it, the ones I really get involved with, have been the ones who ultimately treated me badly. So I got to thinking about why this is. Why have I never been with someone who was good to me? Consistently good to me. Well, it hasn't happened by chance.

I realized that I've never allowed myself to be in a relationship where a man treated me well. I have let these men treat me poorly; welcomed it and went back countless times for more. Assholes don't just find me, I find them. Everyone meets them. The assholes. Most people discard them. Me? Well, I welcome them, allow them to pull up a chair, make themselves at home, and stay for a bit. In some cases, years. This may not be a conscious choice, but it is still a choice that I myself make. I'm not unlucky while the other girls are lucky to meet the guys that treat them well. I meet the nice guys too I just send them packing for some reason. Usually the reason is that something is missing, there's no connection, or there's not enough physical attraction. What's actually missing? The asshole factor.

I know what you're thinking, we're those girls who like assholes. It's not that cut and dry and it's not something we enjoy. It is so much more then that. Let me attempt to explain.

I'm sure you've heard the saying, "True love is the soul's recognition of it's counterpart in another" (I'm not talking love in all cases but you get the idea). Well that's just what we're dealing with. We recognize in them something that is also in us. We're assholes. Oh yes, we ourselves are proud owners of the asshole factor. We fuck up. A lot. We hurt people, we do things wrong. Some people are straight and narrow, we are not. Some people make normal mistakes, we make epic ones. We have a past speckled with indiscretions and the threat of more in the future, (though I think I'm growing out of it). I refer back to the quote I entered in a post just days ago, and am surprised I didn't realize it then:

"I pair up with these male versions of myself so that I don't have to acknowledge my own fear of making a serious commitment."

So while we're with these guys who wear their asshole status on their sleeves, we feel safe. Yes, it's twisted I agree. The one thing we can count on is that they will mess up. They will hurt us. Then, when we do the same, we won't feel as badly. But the nice guy? The good guy who treats us well? Oh God if we were to hurt him, we couldn't live with ourselves. We don't want to hurt them. We're still assholes and they deserve nice girls.

Armed with this recognition of myself and my part in this matter, I feel so much better. Admitting is the first step, right? Knowing is half the battle, is it not? I realize that the reason guys treat me badly is directly related to my choices (poor as they may be). I have control. I have the power to change this. I may have been saying I want a nice guy, but I don't. Even though I say I'm sick of guys, and wonder why I can't just find a guy like "this" or a guy like "that," I'm making my bed. Voluntarily, though not incredibly consciously (until now). It is valid, I'm sick of guys but what I'm sick of is guys with the asshole factor. I need to check myself.

I had mentioned that I'm raising my standards, and I am. All of these factors are in conjunction with one another and all of them will work together to help me grow out of this stage of my life with guys and be happy, with someone. Because until the asshole factor within myself dies, I won't be ready to take on the nice guy. Here's hoping it jumps off a cliff some time soon.

Weekend pleasantries

I mentioned once before that I've recently found fun in the un-fun and today is no different. Despite the dreary weather, I've been having a lovely Saturday and plan to have an even better Saturday night...maybe even get into a little trouble. I'm just sayin'...

I went to get my nails done today. It's been so long since I've done that. I get that the economy is in the crapper and now is the time I should be cutting out this type of frivolous spending but that $30 has made me feel fabulous. I'm a nail-biter and try as I might, I can't get these stubs to grow before they're attacked. It wasn't until Thursday at work when a co-worker told me he was surprised I didn't have long nails; that I look like the type that would have longer nails. My other co-worker (and friend so it's okay) chimed in with, "Yea, not mechanic hands." Well that sealed the deal. Time to visit the salon. It's the end of winter, hands are dry, cuticles disgusting, it was warranted.

I then went to the grocery store and stocked up on lots of healthy, fresh foods. Salmon filets, fruits, veggies, and the yummy avocado you see pictured (aka my addiction).

So despite the rain I'm going to take the pup for a walk before putting in a load of laundry, drinking some tea, and then scanning my closet for tonight's outfit. I have two new tops that have yet to be worn out so it shouldn't be tough. Tonight the plan is simply to go out with a girlfriend, maybe two or three. I'm feeling good about it.

Netflix movie of the week is Secret Life of Bees so I plan on spending my Sunday relaxing and watching that.

All of the above may sound incredibly lame and boring but they bring this girl pure bliss. It's the little things.

p.s. I'm consciously choosing to not mention the negative things that continue to try to jump into the forefront of my brain while I continue to push them to the back:

-I would have love to do/have done all of the above things with someone. I am slightly lonely and ready for a plus one.

-Yesterday was The Ex's sister's wedding. I wasn't there. She was (and I'm not referring to his sister). The reception was right across the street from where I live.

-I'm pretty sure the adult crush has got to be moving out this weekend. He said he needed to be out by the 31st (Tues). I haven't heard from him and refuse to call him but can't stop thinking about the fact that this could be it.

p.p.s (I never know if it's supposed to be p.p.s or p.s.s) I did not and will not be calling the fireman to "explain" myself. I thought about it. There's nothing I hate more than someone having an incorrect view regarding me. Although I'm not interested in him, I did not however say that he didn't try hard enough. Everyone around us (his friends and mine) go on record having said that and for some reason it was put into my mouth. Insert bad guy. Moi. But, I decided that letting it go would serve me much better. For one, the more I think about it the more pissed I am that he thinks I actually owe him an explanation, and two, calling him and discussing it would force me to have to be honest, therefore only fanning the he-said she-said fire. Subject closed.

New layout

So I found a new layout today. I googled. I like it, except for one small (but very important) thing. The date of the post won't show up. I can't figure out how to change it. The "undefined, undefined, undefined" is driving me nuts. What's a girl to do? So if anyone can provide any insight, comments are welcomed.

In the meantime, remind me to add "tech savvy" to my future boyfriend list (which apparently I've just started). Now that I think about it, a future boyfriend characteristic list is not a bad idea considering I've decided today that I am officially raising my standards.

So as I add characteristics to my FBL (future boyfriend list), I'll update the list totally random-like. Oooh, nothing I like more than a new list!

FBL

• tech savvy (not a must, but def a plus)
  

Side note: with this new layout comes a "labels" section and what is at the top of my label list? As in, what do I blog about most? Right up there with dating (for obvious reasons). Adult crush. 31 posts. Damn it. 32. Hmph.

Really? Wait, really??

Last night, well to be accurate, early this morning my cell phone starts ringing. Really? I was in the middle of a dream. It's a Thursday night. I look at my clock then my phone. 2:11am. Who is it? The fireman. Really?? I am immediately angry. You are calling me at 2 in the morning when you know full well that I work in the morning? Really??

Begin tangent: I failed to note that on Saturday 3/14 I ran into the fireman downtown at a bar while partaking in some St. Paddy festivity celebrating. This was the first time I'd seen him since my last courtesy phone call regarding the health of his grandmother, and my decision to leave well enough alone; that I'd done enough in the ending of all of this. (See 3/1 post). I saw him from afar and immediately attempted the duck and hide. I went off to the ladies room so of course as I'm leaving the restroom and heading back to my people who should I unavoidably pass? The fireman. To be blunt, he was a dick. Clearly his ego had experienced some major bruising because he tried to act like he was too good to say hello or chat. When people do that to me, I kill them with kindness. Those people want you to be a bitch to them so that they can go around and say you're a bitch while armed with validation. If you're nice it just makes them feel worse about the fact that a great person rejected them and they still can't have you. So that's just what I did. I made sure I said hello. He tried to act as if he didn't see me, then that he didn't have time to talk, and I'm pretty sure he even tried to be nasty but didn't have the balls to follow through. All of this not only made me feel better about not seeing him anymore, but cleared up any guilt I may have felt for ending it or the need to supply any additional closure to the situation. Done and done. Dickhead. I later heard he went home with a random girl and did the walk of shame back to his car without even saying goodbye to said girl. Oh the small benefits of him being friends with my friends' boyfriend. End tangent.

So needless to say, I was irritated that he called me at such an inconsiderate hour and then proceeded to leave me a lengthy voicemail so that I was awoken minutes later by the message alert. But back to sleep I went.

This morning after I got out of the shower I listened to the message. Basically, he was demanding an explanation (yes, he actually said he wanted an explanation) for the fact that although I told him I did not want to see him anymore because something was missing between us, he heard that I had said that I didn't think he tried hard enough. Wait, really?!? So let me get this straight...it has been weeks since you acted like a dick when I saw you in public and even weeks before that when I actually ended it with you, but you're still going to proceed to call me at 2am demanding explanations as to why it ended? You heard this little fact? You're almost 30 years old. I learned to stop paying attention to he-said, she-said in middle school. OMFG.

He went on to say how he would've treated me "like a woman" (as opposed to?) and he cares about me and really wanted to be with me, but wants an explanation as to why I said this. Oh, and he hopes I'm doing well.

He followed up this retarded voicemail with a text this morning that read:

Douchebag: I'm sorry about the late call last night. I have no excuse for that.

Oh yes you do, you're a dick.

Note to self: Never again date a guy who is friends with a friend's boyfriend. This only ends with gossip and someone trying to make you out to be the bad guy. Clearly, someone wants me to be the bad guy in this situation when it is obvious that he simply failed. Deal with it. Move on. I owe you nothing.

It's official, the aftermath of this "thing" has lasted longer than the actual dating did.

And now that I have successfully vented, I'm moving on to enjoy this lovely Friday.

Company is comforting

Good to know there are others who feel as I do. I can't explain how I fell (well), but this person did, and apparently an entire tumblr. is dedicated to people like us. So there's an audience! I feel a teensy bit better about this. From: http://ilovehateyou.tumblr.com.

This is for the people that care too much. The people who want too much, and at the same time want nothing at all. At least we want to want that. We want to walk away, we want to say no, we want to forget everything, and we want to be detached and not care.

Unfortunately, we can’t walk away. We say yes, and we remember every single little fucking detail, more clearly, and more vividly than when it happened. We are attached.

And we couldn’t care more.

Other quotes that are speaking to me today:

"I pair up with these male versions of myself so that I don't have to acknowledge my own fear of making a serious commitment."

-Wendy Merrill.

Welcome to my brain, Wendy.

And:

“You have the idea that you should be mating for life, but that is not what you really want. You aren’t dealing with the fact that you don’t want more, or you wouldn’t have been with these guys to begin with. When you really want something more, you will have it. In the meantime, please be less hard on yourself, and try to enjoy it.”

-I copied this from a book I was reading, but failed to note the author. My bad.

p.s. Just in case you're missing the connection between the photo and title, these are my comfort foods. Mmmm.

Emotional masochism

So not long after clicking "publish post" on my last entry, he called and asked if I wanted to take the dog to the park with him. And I said? What every emotional masochist says, duh. Yes.

Why not throw some salt in that wound? Hey, lets extend the rehabilitation process of our last meeting by a few weeks. Why not? Oh and hey, bring your camera so you can document it all and pour over it later when you're really in the throws of feeling miserable for yourself. Atta girl.

As always I had so much fun with him and the time spent was too short. Again he asked me to come in at the end and again I said no. Again he asked me to stay with him and again I said no out loud while inside I was screaming yes.

Though I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy, it is comforting to know that one of my close friends is also experiencing an adult crush. Or waves an old one, whatever, I'm not picky. The symptoms are equally deadly. She had this to say:

"I guess some people just get under our skin and stay there. But God, what I wouldn't give to make those butterflies go away."

Amen to that.

I hate orange cars

I've come to the unsettling, uncomfortable and altogether agonizing conclusion that this annoying crush will not disappear entirely until he does. No worries, I'm not contemplating offing him. I'm thinking more along the lines of his fast-approaching relocation. I'm thanking all things holy that he will be moving a fair distance away in just a couple short weeks. The fact that he'll no longer inhabit the same apartment complex as I fills me with priceless bliss. And most of that last sentence is a blatant lie. But I'm hopeful that eventually it will ring true.

I'm finding comfort in the notion that I'll no longer feel the pathetic urge to break my neck looking out my window when I hear an engine sounding similar to his fast, obnoxious sports car. Hopefully my stomach will stop dropping each time I see orange cars driving around the neighborhood. Every time I see a freaking orange taxi (because lucky for me we have those around these parts believe it or not), my stomach immediately reaches my feet. I am a pathetic excuse for a grown woman.

I'm pretty sure my drunken mind will still default to him. He will be who I want to dial and text. I'll still be reminded of him for no reason that makes any sense, and I'll still think of him. But I'm hoping (gosh I'm saying hoping a lot), that these things will no longer be magnified for days/weeks after I see him because I won't be seeing him.

Needless to say, I saw him yesterday for the first time in over a month. Oh hi, welcome back tongue-tied, gooey-legged, twelve-year-old girl self. I don't understand what it is. I can't figure it out and possibly that is the very reason that it plagues me so.

Oh, but it felt so good to hug him and I could tell the feeling was mutual as he continued to ask for more hugs, each time holding me closer and longer. He lifted me up even. He lingered. He didn't want me to go after the reason for the meet up was complete. He tried to keep the conversation going. Sometimes I think he's just like me in that he makes a conscious effort to act as if he doesn't care, as if he isn't into me. Other times I think I don't matter to him at all. And each time I feel those two polar opposite feelings, I feel them to be intensely true.

He asked me if I'd missed him. He asked me if I would stay with him one last night before he left. He drives me nuts. (And he literally just drove by as I'm typing this). FML.

I vow that I will never again date, hell, associate with a guy who writes their rent checks to the same place I do each month. I'll no longer confuse an adult crush as a fun, exciting thing to explore. This has been painful for close to a year. I'm incredibly embarrassed by it all.

I can't say enough how hopeful I am that the end is near.

In other news, last night I attended a bull roast with my brother and, for the lack of a better description due to my fuzzy brain, a large collection of married couples. This was clearly their big night out which consisted of an aged DJ who alternated been 70’s dance music, every line-dance song ever created, and Beyonce. They were taking full advantage of this “night on the town.” I on the other hand felt like a social leper. No one knew what to say to me so they asked me about work. Fun topic. Then, after that topic was thoroughly explored, they asked me for the update on the bar scene. Yup, pretty much sums up their opinion of my life. Work and bars. Simultaneously ultrasound photos circulated around the table. Oohs and ahhs percolated at the view of an alien-like, blurry, black and white photo that I couldn’t make out to be human but accepted it as so. I’m not knocking procreation and marriage it’s just a totally different world than the one I currently inhabit.

I wanted to leave mere minutes after arriving. My girlfriends were out having dinner and drinks just miles away. I was itching to join my own kind. I stayed for a courtesy three hours that felt like a lifetime. Then I high-tailed it to the bar to meet my ladies. Apparently my emotions were written all over my face, along with “buy me a shot” because that is exactly what ensued. One particular guy bought me shot after shot along with a drink every time he ordered one for himself. When he lagged, his friend filled in. At one point, a girl even bought my girlfriend and I shots from across the bar, and the bartender stepped up and passed around free shots as well. I did not buy one single drink. We shut the place down. Last to leave, and no one pushed us out the door. It was exactly what I needed. We danced, we drank, this outcast shook it like a polaroid picture. And the previous hellish three hours were erased from my memory.

We then proceeded to go back to my place where we polished off an entire bowl of chili con queso dip and Tostitos and I drunk texted.

Regardless, a blast was had by all and I was reminded that although it would be nice to have a hubby and a bun in the oven, it’s not for me, not now. It’s easy to look at those my age living another lifestyle and feel I’m missing out, before I stop myself and think about what I want. Me. Despite my age, there is nothing I should feel is expected of me at this stage in my life. I’m single. I’m happy. And that’s OK. Shit, that’s fabulous.

Falling in love.

Have I got your attention? I thought so.

Well, I'm a dirty little trickster.

Lately, I've noticed that I'm happy with my small, quiet, singular life. My routine, my dog, grocery shopping, decorating, reading. Making lists, setting goals, planning. All very boring I know. I go out, don't get me wrong but I gotta admit, I don't have nearly as much fun as I used to out in the bar scene. I guess that's expected.

But regardless, I've been finding fun in the un-fun. I've been attempting to make plans for myself. I've noticed lately that I feel happy doing the mundane but could not figure out why. I mean come on, these things are not exciting. Then, it hit me. I'm falling in love. I'm falling in love with myself; with who I am, who I’m trying to be and the life I'm creating for myself. I've got big plans for myself.

At the same time, I'm ready to share my life with someone. I'm ready for someone to join my routine. I want to come home to someone, cook for someone and have someone cook for me once in a while. I want to run and bike on the trail I've discovered with someone. I want to share all of what makes me happy by myself, with someone. In the past I wanted to be with someone as a distraction. A void needing to be filled. I think that's why they always turned into feeling like an obligation rather than something I enjoyed. I finally feel like I am content with my life, by my boring self, and I want someone to join my plan. And shit, help it out a bit. I don't want to do it alone forever. But even if they don't, I'm happy going at it alone.

All of this takes a lot for me to admit and put down in black and white. I've always wanted to be strong and act as if I am perfectly fine alone, always, in case that is what's in store for me.

Since The Ex, which I realized today is going on 4 years now (I realized I've been saying 2 years for the past 2 years), I've been broken. I've really tried to belittle the heartbreak he caused. How he broke more than just my heart but my spirit. I still think of him daily. I don't know if I'll ever have again what I had with him or if I'll ever love that way again, but I know that I want to. I want it. I want it all over again with someone who won't hurt me. I hope it's out there for me.

I'm no longer afraid of sounding pathetic and hopeless by saying these things. I no longer feel the need to have an attitude that says, I don't need a man. Because the truth is, I don't need a man. I'm happy without one. I'm already in love. But I'd like one.

I'm in love with today...

Having a snow day is like that bonus day to get things done. Yes, in theory it’s a nice idea to get things done over the weekend but let’s be serious. You wanna have a little fun and then you feel like you deserve to relax before Monday arrives and it’s back to the grind.

But having that extra day, wow. Not only do I get to watch the shows I always miss like Rachel Ray and Ellen, but so far today I’ve done 2 loads of laundry, swept and swiffered the kitchen floor, bathroom floor and entryway, dusted all furniture, cleaned all mirrors/TVs and vacuumed. I finished up a book I started just yesterday. Holler.

And it just started snowing again, love.

P.S. It has not gone unnoticed that I owe this blog a serious update. I really am going to go into detail about the fireman and all of those events. I really do promise I will. I want to. For reals. I'm weird though. I can't force myself to write about certain things...it'll hit me that I gotta get it out and then watch the eff out. Total uninhibited brain dump. Be prepared. It should be coming soon.

Fire extinguished

So the beginning went well, as I've come to learn during my short stint in the adult dating world, most dating beginnings usually do. I've also learned it does not serve you will to slap an opinion on a guy/relationship too soon because once the few weeks it takes for the freak flag to rise fully ensue, you'll simply wind up biting your tongue and doing some explaining to your girlfriends as to why the fabulous guy has turned into a douche seemingly overnight. It also helps you to seem a little less like a bipolar freak. I'm sure my poor mother has her doubts concerning her only daughter.

So anyway, it went well before it didn't. I first felt as though the fact that he was very laid back, casual and whatever-like in regard to making plans and such was a plus. No worry about being pressured into dinner/drinks/movies/blah during the week when I'd rather go to the gym, watch Grey's or do nothing at all. Score. Until of course, that casualness turned into total non-plan making. Period. Oh, he still wanted to do things. He wanted a commitment from me as to when we'd see each other next before he left my presence the last time. What would we do? Who knows. Who cares. Equals? Nada. Yeah, as much as I don't want to date a drill sergeant (Ken), I need a guy to make a plan. I don't want to be forced into the plan, but I want a guy to take the reigns. I have no problem with taking them once in a while, but I stress, once in a while. I'm old fashioned. It's just how I roll.

So once I allowed the fireman to enter my cozy apartment, it was love at first sight. For him. He loved my cozy comfy couches, my big plasma TV. I get it. I love them too. That's why I live here. But you my friend, do not. And you are not my boyfriend. Therefore, you still need to date me. And as we've all learned from He's Just Not That Into You, "hanging out is not dating." Basically, somewhere along the line the fireman simply attempted to nail down a date where we'd "do something" with no plan as to what that something would be. I'd bring up places to eat, etc and he was always uninterested. He even went as far as to ask me to lunch on a Saturday afternoon and then show up at my place "not hungry." I'm serious. He said he wasn't really hungry. Considering our plan was to physically eat lunch, I freaking was. I'm not one of those girls who doesn't eat. I eat and this girl was hungry. I told him this. He had no real reaction.

The final straw was on a different Saturday night about 3 weeks ago. We were both going out in the city with our own separate groups of friends. I was already feeling uninterested by this point, but agreed to us meeting up at some point for a drink. He'd be with his friends, I'd be with mine, no harm done. No one-on-one time. We texted on and off throughout the night and I let him know which neighborhood I was in around 11pm. But, it turned into a serious girl night. One of those good dance nights/one friend gets beligerently drunk nights. You know the kind.

Well the fireman kept calling and I finally was able to answer and actually hear him. He asked if he should come over my way, he was getting into a cab, his friends were staying, he was coming alone. Wtf?! So wait, it's 12:30 am, you're going to come to where I am alone without a car i.e. leach yourself onto me for the night? Ew, no thanks. Not the dynamic I was going for. I told him it probably wasn't a good idea, my friends were pretty drunk and I'd be doing some serious babysitting, another time. It was almost 1am anyway, sorta pointless when last call is at 1:30 and it would take him at least that long to get over to where I was anyway. What was the point?

After that phone call he continued to call and call and call. I'm talking about 15-20 times. I didn't answer. I told him not to come, period end of story. By that time my friend and I were in a late night pizza joint enjoying some greasy food, watching the drunks walk by, and talking to other drunk pizza patrons. I just looked at my phone as he called and called. Totally turned me off. I mean, come on man. Then he started texting me. "Where are you?" "Where are you, babe?" Ugh, babe? Really? Loathe when that comes from guys who have no business using it. Then, "I'm around the corner, where are you?" "I'm here, where are you?" Phone call, phone call, phone call. You get the point. It's after 2am by now. I was so annoyed that he was there but still planned to ignore. I told you not to come, not my problem. So then my friend and I walk out of the pizza place, turn the corner, and who is standing on the corner ON THE FREAKIN' PHONE? You guessed it. The fireman. I wanted to throw up in my mouth.

Long story short, he shows up, no car, no where to stay, too drunk to drive (so he said) and couldn't go home (so he said). We tried to get him to stay at my friend's place in the city but he was just so damn persistent and I am too damn nice. I wound up bringing him home with me with the promise he'd have someone bring him to his car in the morning. On the car ride home I explained how I just wasn't that into him anymore. It was awkward, but it was needed. Especially after that awkward spectacle. Shit, he forced it. He slept on my couch, as he always did. I never let that boy into my bed. In the morning he made no attempts to "call a friend" and my dumb ass drove him to his car. We parted with my agreeing to one more date to see if something might still be there. Damn my niceness. Never fails to be taken advantage of. Why can't I be a cold-hearted bitch when necessary?!

So he went to FL for a week and said he wouldn't call me, I should call him. So of course I didn't. The more time that went by, the more disgusted and turned off I was with his behavior. His lack of effort in an attempt to gain maximum benefits. I mean really. So I decided I'd have yet another talk with him to let him know it was done. I have to. Finalize the deal. Why put myself through anymore? He failed. He's friends with my good friends' boyfriend. There's no sweeping this one under the rug. Believe me, I contemplated it.

So I finally called him last week. The day I call him to break the news is the same day his grandmother has a stroke and he spends the day in the hospital. Fabulous. Totally bad form if I broke the news then. So I listened for about 45 minutes, wished my best, and told him we'd talk later. I figured I should at least wait until his grandmother is OK and out of the hospital. I called him over the weekend--g-mom is still hospitalized and I am still an ass allowing this thing to drag on. I still, have yet, to break the news. But, I've called twice so I feel good about myself. I'm not calling anymore. I don't owe this guy all of that. Done.

So I just spent way much more time than I would have preferred discussing the fireman. Sorry about that.

In other news I just got over the stomach flu. (Wow, aren't I a barrel of fun--failed relationships, stomach flu, fabulous).

P.S. I lied. You know what sealed the deal? As I was explaining to him how there was simply something missing between the two of us, he said, "Why are you playing so hard to get?" I felt like saying (and wish I would have because it's true):

I'm not playing hard to get, I am hard to get.

Quote me on that ish.